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got Kane?   

June 3, 2003

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week:  Chris Jericho promised that The Rock would be here tonight.  Austinberg presented Eric Bischoff presents “Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake”.  And Ric Flair let his true colors shine through by bringing Cyndi Lauper back into the WWE.  Your true colors shining though…

Wait…Before the (Openening Credits) it’s Maven!!  He’s leaving after jobbing on Heat to Whoever He Jobbed to This Week.  The Rock is standing behind him.  He flashes the People’s Booty.  Then he kisses a baby.  The Rock is a big old face.

(Opening Credits)

Jerry Lawler says “Please go to WWE.com.  Please!  We’ll put a cookie on your computer!”

Trish Stratus, Ivory, and Jacqueline v. Jazz (w/Teddy Long), Molly Holly, and Victoria (w/ Stevie Richards)

Wait.  Scratch that.  Stevie isn’t there after all.  Oh, well.  Hey!  This is the ENTIRE women’s division.  Every single one of them.  I can’t TELL you how little I care.  Man.

I could really go for some candy right now.  EYE candy.  Bwahahaha, I kill me.  Uh.  Ivory wins.  Rick Scaia has informed me that Ivory is “Crazy Go Nuts”.  Well…He is the boss.

StoneMan Still Austinberg is pushing the Batmobile up to the arena.  Still having troubles with that, eh, Still?


Stacy Keibler finally puts it all to rest.  She was dating Test because she thought that if Stephanie was dating such an ugly guy, he must have had a huge…you know…boat.  To go sailing on.  Stacy loves sailing.  Turns out he just had a dinghy.  Test is sad.  He says, “It’s not the size of the boat in sailing, it’s the motion of the ocean!”  Poor, Test.  He doesn’t mention that Stacy shouldn’t go sailing without proper floatation devices.

The Hurricane v. Lance Storm, In a Puddle

It should be a valiant fight!  Oh.  Wait.  Here’s Randy Orton who is out to bemoan the lack of wrestling on this show.  Oh, well.  The Ring Crew gets out their mops and cleans up Storm.  Triple H and Triple Naitch  come out to drone on about Natalie Portman or something.  I don’t know.  I never listen to these guys.

HHH:  That Natalie Portman is the Game-uh!
RO:  I’m Randy Orton.  Remember RNN?
RF:  I took Natalie Portman on a ride on Space Mountain, Fat Boy.  Wooo!
HHH:  She really is That Damn Good.
RO:  Seriously, I used to be relevant and funny.
RF:  She’s limo ridin’, jet flyin’, kiss stealin’, wheelin’ and dealin’ just like me.  WOOOO!
RO:  Guys!  Come on!  I’m trying to get over again.
HHH:  Why aren’t you talking about Natalie Portman, Randy?

Chris Nowinski: 
She went to my alma mater.

RF:  Almond what?

Shawn Michaels prances out.

SM:  I will convert Natalie Portman, that silly Jew.
RF:  Wow, you’ve really got the stuff.  I’m going to pass the torch to you again…
SM:  Are you going to talk about that room of yours where you go cry again?
RF:  You bet.
HHH:  Uh…This segment has gone on just about long enough.

Kevin Nash comes out.

KN:  Am I too late to talk about Natalie Portman?
SM:  I’m afraid so, Kev.

Hurricane comes out and hits everybody with a chair.  Dammit, this is HIS segment.

HC:  Natalie Portman is hot, biatch.  Stand Back, my dinghy is coming through. 

Oh, fine.  That whole last segment was actually about Bad Blood or something. 


Scott Steiner (w/ Stacy Keibler) v. Stevie Richards

Where’s Victoria?  Don’t tell me they broke up!  OH HOW MY HEART ACHES!  Stacy doesn’t want to be with Steiner, either.  She’s recently learned that there’s a reason he’s always talking about his arms.  It takes the freaks attention off the rest of his body.  Stacy just wants to end up with somebody halfway decent looking for once.  Is that so hard?  Stevie loses because he’s absolutely irrelevant.  Test comes out with a picture of a happy stick figure in a dinghy, to show Stacy how happy she could be with him.  Wait, that’s a picture of a happy STACY in a dinghy, to show her how happy she was.  Oh.  Eric Bischoff comes out to let Stacy, Test and Steiner know that nobody cares.


Austinberg is backstage in his Batsuit.  Eric Bischoff comes back in, and Still challenges him to a triathlon match at “Beer Drinkin’ Puppy Lovers”.  Bischoff agrees to the match.

Step 1:  A hardcore game of Candyland, in which the losing player must eat an actual Gumdrop Forest

Step 2:  Barbwire Sack Race.  The contestants race through a field of barbed wire wearing only a potato sack. 

Step 3:  “I’d Drink That”.  Contestants name off liquids one by one.  The other contestant either says “I’d Drink That” and attempts to drink the substance, or passes.  The penalty for passing is a kick in the groin by Steve Blackman. For example:

EB:  A cup of olive oil.
AB:  I’d Drink that! *Gulp*
EB:  Ok, your turn.
AB:  A cup of battery acid.
EB:  No way.  That’s not fair!
SB:  Hiyah!
EB:  OW!
AB:  Who’s next?  

First one to pass out loses.  The winner gets medical attention.


Terri asks Austinberg if this is a good idea with his match against Chris Jericho coming up.  Austinberg says “What?”  Then the video screen in the office shows that Jericho is painting flowers on the Batmobile.  Austinberg says “Quick Eric, to the Bat Cave” and jumps into the closet.


Lawler says that the results are in and people voted that they would visit WWE.com if they put up a bunch of stupid polls.  Oh, they did not!

Chris Tian comes out with the Intercontinental Title to take over for Jericho who is doing some major detailing on the roses. 

CT:  Ladies and Gentleman, the greatest wrestler in the world!  Maven!
The Rock:  What the hell are you talking about?
CT:  Hey, Maven!  Try not to get absorbed by The Rock.  One super being is enough.
TR:  I do enough jobbing as it is.  I’m not going to absorb that jobber.
CT:  Don’t talk about The Rock like that!

The Rock get sick of this crap and wanders out into the crowd and gets robbed by some guys.  Chris Jericho is done being an artist and asks Rock what it’s like to be speared by Austinberg, but Rock is being groped by some guy in leather chaps.  Shawn, get out of there!  Oh, I’m kidding.  Rock has run away because he’s turned face and it’s time for him to go.  Booker T. comes out to complain that nobody in this segment has mentioned that he’s supposed to win the I.C. Title at “Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake”.  Then Rock comes back out and dances around.


Austinberg asks Chris Jericho and Chris Tian if they’ve seen Alfred so that he can find out “Who’s Next”.  The Canadians feign innocence, so Austingberg spears Tommy Dreamer.  Then Austinberg remembers his match with Jericho and Stunners himself for forgetting.

Kane (w/ Rob Van Dam) v. Rene Dupre (w/ Sylvan Grenier)

Rob giggles about the fact that one of the French guys is named “Rene”.  Then he tells Kane about it, and Kane laughs so hard that he jobs.

Austinberg is out and he tells RVD to leave, but RVD has already wandered off to find some Fritos. 

AB:  Kane, I just Stunnered myself.  And you just lost to a guy named Rene.  What the hell is wrong with us?
AB:  Kane, you need more Kane.
AB:  Chokeslam that guy in the front row taking pictures of my ass.
AB:  What?  Did you forget how to talk again?  Don’t make me resign X-Pac!
KN:  Oh, God, no.  I can talk.  I’m just depressed is all.
AB:  Will this help?

Austinberg Jackhammers Kane.  I don’t think that helped.


HHH is standing in front of The Referee’s Door?!  What the hell?  That’s just ridiculous.  I guess it’s too much door for one superstar.

Triple H goes back to Orton and Flair and tells them he just assured that the Hell in a Cell wouldn’t happen.  Orton is sad because this isn’t helping him get over.  Flair is excited because now he won’t have to take that Flair Flip off the top of the cage they were planning.

Jericho and Chris Tian are excited to take on Booker T and Goldust because they’ve got some continuity, which reminds them that Black Gold broke up because they were big jobbers together.


Black Gold v. Chris Jericho and Chris Tian

Wrestling is soooo….booooring…


Ah…Booker T. hits Chris Tian with a Scissors.  Ow.  Chris Tian jobs faster than an overworked Wendy’s clerk.  Austinberg comes out to complain about the stabbing, but he decides spearing Charles Robinson would be more fun, so he does that instead.


Now nobody wants to be a referee in the Hell in A Cell Match because referees get hurt too often.  Especially when HHH or Austinberg are involved.  Austinberg says that he’ll just hire another referee to work that match and takes off one of his socks.  Socko is going to ref the match!


Triple H, Ric Flair and Randy Orton v. Shawn Michaels, Kevin Nash and The Hurricane

Wait, why is Hurricane hanging around with these jobbers?  Everybody takes turns playing Randy Orton.  Randy Orton is sad.  Earl Hebner falls asleep and misses when Randy Orton pins Hurricane, but nobody cares.   Then Kevin Nash powerbombs everybody!  RAW IS RUN BY DIESEL POWER!  Which explains all the smoke.

Next Week:  Kevin Nash powerbombs everything that moves, and even some stuff that doesn’t.  Austinberg’s feuds with Kane, Eric Bischoff and Chris Jericho get confused as Austinberg races Kane in a sack race to Canada.   And more wrestling.  More wrestling?  Nah.

Until next time then.


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