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Where the Hell are the 
Chili Cheese Fritos?   

July 1, 2003

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week:  Kane unmasked and, honestly, I was shocked that he didn’t have a little more of himself.  Triple H, Triple Naitch and Randy Orton continued evolving the wrestling industry to better and longer rest holds!  Austinberg went about the scary task of cubing Lance Storm.

Hey!  It’s time for the Highlight Reel with Chris Jericho.  Tonight’s special guest is my beautiful girl, Stacy Keibler.  Uh-oh.  She’s being stalked by Scott Steiner.  Scott tries to grope Stacy but he gets kicked in the nuts.  HAHAHAHA, get him Stacy.  Jericho tries to hit on her, but she deflects him by talking about his small penis.  She said penis!  Then Steiner tries, but she reminds him that his “freakzilla” has been crushed by steriods.  Test comes out to try to get him some of my girl, but…he’s Test.  Come on.  Eric Bischoff is out to say that Austinberg ate some bad beef stix from Austinberg presents WWE RAW presents a vending machine backstage and he won’t be here tonight. 

Then he sees everybody in the ring and decides that they should have a match later tonight with everybody in the ring.  Not my darling Stacy!  Wait, didn’t they just do the same thing over on Smackdown with Big Show, Stephanie and Zachy One Legs?


Lance Storm Cubed is talking about how they are happy that Austinberg isn’t here, because now they can cut one of their world class promos like from WCW!  Oh…wait…here’s Austinberg.  Apparently, beef stix alone are not enough to keep him from running out to attack Lances.

Lance Storm Cubed v. Stone Man Still Austinberg

Rodney Mack and Theodore Long are out to protest Austinberg’s failure to include more ethnic foods in his vending machine.  Austinberg throws up beef stix all over Rodney and then hits him with the Jackhammer.  Then Austinberg goes back home.  Poor Lance Storm Cubed and Teddy Long just have to look on and cry that nobody cares about them.

Backstage, Kane is hanging out on his Dream Coffin, when Eric Bischoff walks in.

EB:  Tazz?  What the hell are you doing here?
KN:  What?  It’s me.  Kane.

EB:  Get out of here!  Where’s the mask?

KN:  ….

EB:  Oh…wait.  Hahahaha.  What’s with the towel?

KN:  Bad Hair cut.  Besides.  You should always take a towel with you wherever you go.

EB:  Hey!  Can I borrow the dream coffin?  I want to go back to when I was running WCW!

KN:  …No.

EB:  Fine!  RVD is going to get your title shot against HHH!
KN:  Ok.  He’s going to job anyway.
EB:  Damn you Kane!

All the women!  One match!  NEXT!


Ivory v. Molly Holly v. Jacqueline v. Victoria v. Trish Stratus v. Gail Kim v. Jazz (w/ Teddy Long)
A Battle Royal…wait…A Battle Royal?  Huh?  For the Women’s Title

A Battle Royal, eh?  Gail Kim comes out, she’s new you know?  You’d think they’d showcase her talents in something OTHER than a battle royal.  She must REALLY suck.  Not that that’s a bad thing.  You know what I could care less about?  This here match.  Why isn’t Stacy in THIS match?  Or Randy Orton?  Order of Elimination?  Ivory, Jackie, Molly, Sleepy, Dopey, Victoria, Trish and Doc.  Jazz wasn’t eliminated.  Instead she fell over and ran away.  I do that in battle royals all the time. Is “royals” a word?  MSWord doesn’t think so.  Wow.  Typing is more interesting than this match.  Gail Kim wins.  A title in her first appearance!  She’s the new Jerry Lynn!!


Booker T. and Chris Tian are standing around in the crowd when Dean Malenko and The Red Rooster tell them to go have their match.  And then Booker is like, “Oh, man, dawg, I’ve got a match?  Dayum.”  And Chris Tian is all like “Oh, man, I’ve got a match?  Where my peeps at, Dean?”  Then Dean puts Chris in the Texas Cloverleaf.  You don’t talk to Dean Malenko and get away with it.


Booker T v. Chris Tian
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Chris is still suffering the ill effects of talking to Dean Malenko.  Booker tries to take advantage of this, but he doesn’t have any moves that affect people’s legs.  Or any arm bars.  Not even arm BARS.  Then Booker hits Christian with some Texas Toast.  Aha!  Chris Tian is injured by things with the word Texas in them!  It’s his kryptonite.  Texas krytponite.  But Christian hits Booker with a giant waffle!  That’s his move!  I guess.   Mmm…waffles.  Eric Bischoff comes out to stop this before somebody gets syrup on poor Charles Robinson.  Too late.  He’s stuck to the bottom left turnbuckle.  I guess they’ll have to wrestle around him.

Rob Van Dam is standing around backstage when he sees Kane’s Dream Coffin.

RVD:  Yes!  I’m totally going back in time to meet Bob Marley and then I’m going to go back 5 minutes ago and eat some waffles.
KN:  Rob, you’re being ridiculous.  You can’t use my coffin anyway.
RVD:  Alright, fine.  Dude.  Do you have any Chili Cheese Fritos?

KN:  Do I look like I have any Chili Cheese Fritos, Rob?
RVD:  Uh…yeah?
KN:  I hate you, Rob.
RVD:  I hate Alf.


How can you hate Alf?

Chris Jericho and Test v. Scott Steiner and My Darling Stacy Keibler

Jericho comes out in a shiny jacket which is successful in distracting Steiner long enough for Test to get his hands on Stacy.  That stupid…ugh…I wish I could have been there to stop this, but they won’t let me into Buffalo any more because of this one incident.  It was way blown out of proportion.  I have NO idea how that goat got up on the roof.  Oh…uh…Stacy powerslams Test, but her ankle is still in pain from last week, and she falls over and Test gets the pin.  Bastard.


Wow!  Continuing our YEAR of highlights leading to WrestleMania here’s Lawrence Taylor pinning Bam Bam Bigalow.  Lawrence Taylor of course went on to win 37 heavyweight titles and become the biggest drawing worker in the history of the business.

Maven v. Rico (w/ Jackie Gayda)

Rico prances around the ring kicking things.  Poor Charles Robinson.  Then he notices that he’s fighting The Rock.  Rico falls over in fear.  Maven tries to go for his finisher, but he can’t remember quite what it was, and Rico rolls him up.  Holy crap!  Rico pins The Rock!  First Triple Naitch, now The Rock!  Next week:  Rico pins Austinberg!


Last week, Triple Naitch and Randy Orton talked about Fat boys, taking old ladies on Space Mountain and beating up Mick Foley.  This week:  Tommy F’N Dreamer.

Randy Orton (w/ Ric Flair) v. Tommy Dreamer

Oh!  F’N Hardcore!  Here’s a five minute collar and elbow tie-up!!  I hope that gets over! Dreamer goes hardcore and beats the hell out of Orton.  Flair tries interfering, but Tommy is too much of a badass for that stuff.  Flair goes down!  However, Orton knows the secret to beating Tommy Dreamer, wait until he falls over.  That of course, is Orton’s move.  Dreamer has no problem with this, because he’s made a career out of just falling over and jobbing.  This truly is a winning combination!  A feud is born!

Rob Van Dam is backstage with Eric Bischoff.

RVD:  Eric, do you have any Chili Cheese Fritos?
EB:  Rob, I’m a busy man.  Can we talk about this later?
RVD:  Are you using Kane to get ratings?
EB:  Yes.
RVD:  Dude…you like are a total genius!
EB:  Rob…get out of my bathroom.
RVD:  Not until you tell me where you hid the hammer pants, man.
EB:  Rob.  I don’t know WHERE the hammer pants are.
RVD:  Oh.  Right.  Do you have any Chili Cheese Fritos?


Eric Bischoff tells Terri to go and interview Kane.  Terri doesn’t want to because it might interfere with her busy schedule of plastic surgery and make-up needed to maintain her.  Bischoff tells Terri to do it or else she’ll get fired.  Terri didn’t know that she hadn’t been fired weeks ago.

La Resistance v. Spike Dudley and The Hurricane

The fans chant “boring”.  They obviously realize that Lance Storm Cubed is the perfect partner for The Hurricane.  Apparently The Hurricane is looking for a full time tag team partner.  Spike Dudley was his first choice?  Wait.  Snake Eyes was his first choice, and then he jobbed and Lady Jaye didn’t like Snake Eyes anymore.  What the hell ever happened to Captain Gridiron?  Anyway, Spike gets in the match which can ONLY lead to crazy go nuts amounts of jobbing.  The guys from not France hit la Croisandwich, which is their finisher!  Awesome!

Terri wanders around some boxes looking for Kane.  When she doesn’t find him, she just draws a stick figure on one of the boxes and interviews it.  Best interview on the show so far!


Rob Van Dam v. Triple H
For the WWE World Title

What?  No Flair?  Rob starts kicking Triple H, and HHH laughs because he’s happy that he’ll never have to job, ever again.  There’s Flair.  Watch the time, Triple Natich!


Triple H starts hitting Rob’s leg but RVD doesn’t sell anything.  HHH is mad because he just got done wrestling Kane and Kevin Nash and just ONCE he’d like to wrestle somebody who sells his funky restholds.  Don’t look now, HHH, but next up is Austinberg!  Flair hits RVD with the belt, and everybody thinks that that’s the end, but Eric Bischoff has a surprise!  They still have 5 minutes to fill before TNN’s crappy “babes” special!  Ahahahahaha!  Here’s Randy Orton to waste some time.  Way to waste some time, there Randy.  Triple H is sick of watching everybody else waste time and he hits ANOTHER resthold.  That HHH is the master.  Wait…no…there’s the pin.  HHH wins!  Incredible!

Here’s Kane to make the show have just a little more of him.  He teases chokeslamming HHH by tickling HHH’s chin.  That Kane is a big old tease.  Kane decides to chokeslam RVD instead.  That’s a pretty crappy way to treat your former tag team partner who you hate.  Actually, it’s pretty ok.  No.  Wait.  Kane is indecisive.  He chokeslams Bischoff.  What if he gets fired and ends up on Smackdown?! Here’s a shot of Kane.  Everybody is in Shock!  Kane is AUSTINBERG!  Holy Crap!  When did THAT happen?

Next Week:  The show needs a little more…Austinberg?  Randy Orton’s inexplicable push continues when he beats Booker T with a collar and elbow tie-up.  Kevin Nash and Shawn Michaels are so bored backstage that they actually hit on Terri.  Poor Terri.

I need something to eat.


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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