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Kane Didn't Start the Fire   

July 15, 2003

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week:  Austinberg took control of the show and he wasted no time killing off Tommy Dreamer once and for all (but not before Kane got in his shots).  Triple H couldn’t make the show because he had too many Strawberry Daiquiris.  Also, Test and Kevin Nash engaged in an epic battle of the cripples.

No cheers or booing?  Whoa…now I don’t know who is the face and who is the heel!

(Opening Credits.  Hey…When you think of  Kane, do you think of scary girls?  Kevin Dunn does!)

We start out with a Highlight Reel?  No pyro tonight!  Cheap asses.  Chris Jericho’s special guest this week is a man that wasn’t at RAW last week…Oh, is it Hacksaw Jim Dougan?  No.  It’s Eric Bischoff in his Vince McMahon neck brace. 

They’re out there to bemoan the lack of Kane on the show.  Apparently, since he’s been so great at taking out wrestlers backstage, Vince has asked them to send him to the WWE home offices to get rid of some office personnel.  Cost cutting measures and all.  Then Bischoff shows us exclusive footage from last week’s RAW, thanks to Kane’s Dream Coffin which was seized when Kane went crazy last week..  Oh, boy!  I guess. 

(Eric Bischoff Presents Stan’s Used Casket Shop Presents Kane’s Dream Coffin Presents WWE RAW Presents a clip from Austinberg Presents WWE RAW Presents WWE RAW Last Week)

Rob Van Dam is just finishing building a wall.  Amy Wynn Pastor he is not.  Oh, God.  I just made a Trading Spaces joke.  The Satire is not long for the world.

RVD:  Hmm…The red matches the color in Kane’s tights.  I think he’ll like it.

Here’s Kane.

KN:  Get away from me, Rob.
RVD:  Hey!  Kane!  I made you a wall.

KN:  Uh…in this arena.
RVD:  Yeah!

KN:  In Montreal.
RVD:  Yeah…
KN:  Where I’ll get to see it maybe, twice a year?
RVD:  Uh….

KN:   No wonder I fricking hate you.
RVD:  My coy smile and charming good looks?

KN:  Through the wall you go.

Kane tosses RVD through the wall.  It leads out into a hallway.  What if people wanted to get through that hallway?  Geez.  What a stupidly placed wall, Rob. 

(back to reality)

Eric says that that attack is why Kane was sent home (after all who really cares about Rico or Tommy Dreamer?)  Austinberg is out to protest, because he was going to use Kane as his doppelganger tonight, so that he could go around and attack wrestlers who annoyed him and blame it on Kane.  Blame it on the Kane.  Yeah.  Yeah.  Yeah.  Eric says that later tonight, J.R. will have a special interview with Kane for us.  Oh boy.  I guess.  He’s a monster, but is he a monster on the outside?  Find out TONIGHT.

Hey!  That means your announcers are Good Ole The Coach and Jerry Lawler.  I miss Howler Monkey.


I love Erin.  Seriously, my TV is telling me.  This is like an Online Onslaught Chat spun horribly out of control.

Kevin Nash, Scott Steiner and Trish Stratus (w/ My Darling Stacy) v. Test, Stevie Richards and Victoria

When I envision the perfect match in my head…this is SOOOO not it.  Especially with the women.  What’s up with that, anyway?  Stevie Richards has been on two RAWs in a row.  What a coup for him!  Nash and Test wheel themselves down to ring side and chase each other around the ring.  Wheel chair fight!  Then Nash sees Richards and remembers back when he heard that Stevie was running around calling himself “Big Stevie Cool”.  So, Nash, in all his rage, powerbombs Stevie.  Nash wins.  Huzzah.

Backstage, Chris Jericho is hanging around eating Eric Bischoff’s cheese tray.  Eric says that the only way for things to be normal again in RAW land is if they can get Austin fired and get Goldberg to be himself again on RAW.  Jericho has an idea.  Drunken Badminton!  Eric goes to get the net while Jericho pours the beer.


Lance Storm Cubed is angry because his new superpowers were kept off RAW last week because of Austinberg’s jealousy.  The crowd thinks this is boring because it’s not a match.

Lance Storm Cubed v. Maven

The Rock!  He wasn’t supposed to be there until next week!  Wait…oh.  It’s just Maven.  He’s coming off his great…uh…loss last night against HHH.   Lance Storm Cubed is fooled by Maven, remembering that he ALWAYS jobs to The Rock.  No!  Don’t believe that he’s The Rock, Lance!   Noooooooo…Oops.  Lance jobbed.  Maven is excited!  He’s on a one week winning streak!

J.R. tells Random Crew Member that he’s afraid to interview Kane.  Why didn’t you send Terri?  It’d be funny to watch her melt when she gets set on fire.  Oops.  Gave the ending away.

La French Guys are in the ring standing around.  That’s all people EVER do on this show.   They’re happy that Eric is back to play Drunk Badminton with them.  Oh, and they’re happy that it’s France’s Independence Day.  Batista Day.  For Randy Orton, EVERY day is Batista Day.  They’re going to sing the French National Anthem (“Hey, Crazy Lady!”) while we go to commercial.  Viva La French Guys!


Here’s Bubba, D-Von, and Spike TV Dudley to save the day.  They take out La French Fries, and then they sing the National Anthem.  Since when is “Welcome To the Jungle” the National Anthem.  Oh…must be Dudleyville.  Ads again…uh…right…What a productive segment.


The Evolution v. The Dudley Boyz
Elimination Tag Team Match

The Elimination rules help out by wasting plenty of time!  Triple Naitch gives everyone the finger to show that he’s still “The Man”.  Spike goes up top to do some serious damage, but come on, this Spike Dudley we’re talking about here.  He jobs to Randy Orton when he falls over.  Then D-Von comes in, and HHH threatens to hold him down if he doesn’t fall over, so D-Von jobs to Randy too.  D-Von tries to get a table out from under the ring so that he can make the fans happy, but the ad break isn’t having any of that. 


Bubba starts hitting everyone, but then Randy Orton comes over and gets the pin when Bubba trips over Triple H’s crutches.  Poor Bubba.  Everybody jobs to Randy Orton.  Sometimes. Randy is so excited that he begins drooling blood.

RVD is backstage yelling at Eric Bischoff…

RVD:  That was my hemp net.
EB:  We just want to play a game of doubles badminton.  Me and Chris against La French Guys.
RVD:  Dude.  Can I have some cheese?
EB:  Rob, other than your net, why did you come in here?
RVD:  Uh…I wanted to wrestle somebody next week…Uh….
EB:  Was it HHH?
RVD:  No.  Um….
EB:  Kane?
RVD:  Hehehehe…needs more Kane, dude….hehehehe…
EB:  Oh for Pete’s sake.  You can fight Kane next week.
RVD:  Cheese!


Chris Jericho is done with badminton and is drumming up signatures for his anti-Austin movement.  So far he’s got La French Guys, Rico, Jackie Gayda, Stevie Richards, Victoria, Chris Tian, and Lance Storm Cubed (that’s THREE extra signatures!).  Wow.  Linda sure will listen to these jobbers!  Jericho should have started a WEB POLL that always works.  Hey!  It’s the Ghost of Tommy Dreamer come to warn them about the error of their ways.  Too bad nobody pays attention to him.  How typical.

Theodore Long and Rodney Mack are a-thuggin’ and a-buggin’ all the way to the bank.  Theodore says that a Snoop Dogg should be the new GM of RAW.  YES!

(Next Week…)

SD:  Fo shizzle, Kane-dizzle.  You shouldn’t be so mean, man.  Chill.
KN:  ….
RVD:  You are SO, deep, Snoop.
SD:  RVD, you’re alright, man.  You’re going straight to the mizzain evizzent.
RVD:  Dude.



Rodney Mack (w/ Theodore Long) v. Rosie

I miss Facezor.  Rodney steals a win…oh who am I kidding, Rosie is a HUGE jobber.  Both literally and…uh…literally.  Hurricane comes out to save Rosie from future humiliation.  No!  Don’t pick HIM as a tag team partner.  NO!!  What superhero is he?  The Blob?  Actually that’d be a neat crossover.  Trish can be Striperella their manager.  Then that stripper can sue the WWE too!  This is gonna go great!

Jericho asks HHH and the rest of Evolution to sign his petition.  HHH signs it and then makes Jericho job.  HHH is the best backstage politician!


Booker T v. Chris Tian
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

This is the 1000th meeting between the two.  They’re scheduled for 1500.  It’s in their contracts, I checked.  Chris Tian gets the pin with the help of the ropes (HEEL TURN for the ropes!), but Austinberg isn’t having any of that.  Why the hell does Austinberg care?   Then Booker T wins the match.  Good for him.  Frosties for no one this week!  Wendys is all out.

Eric Bischoff tries to call random numbers on the phone again.  He gets Linda McMahon.  He asks her out for a night at the club.  This one NEVER works, Eric.

Kane shows up at the interview, and he gives J.R. a big red box.  I hope it’s a puppy!  Or the Big Show!  He learned that one from his brother.


Gail Kim v. Molly Holly

Don’t tell me THIS is the main event?  Oh man…working to keep…self…awake.  More Kane…coming soon.  Gail Kim wins after the West Coast Pop.  Rey Misterio is rolling in his bed.  He should see a sleep therapist for that.  He’ll roll right on out one of these days.

J.R. opens the present.  It’s a lamp.  “I had my house feng shuied.  It doesn’t go with the aura of my curtains.”  Kane explains.


Kane and J.R. in Stamford.

KN:  Please don’t make fun of me or my lamp.
JR:  Kane, why are you wearing a towel?
N:  Everyone should have a towel.  Plus, I hate Tazz.
JR:  Why did you wear a mask?
KN:  Well…my hideous scars?
JR:  Geez.  Kane, you look like and ugly Austinberg.  You don’t have any scars.
KN:  *Jim.  Shut up!  You’re going to ruin my gimmick.*
JR:  Come on, Kane.  It’s over.  You can’t keep this up.
KN:  Since 1997, I’ve had hideous scars from a fire that killed my parents, and possibly The Undertaker and Paul Bearer who raised me.
Random Staff Guy:  Actually, we’d rather you not mention that storyline.  Nobody remembers it.
KN:  Oh.  But…if I’m not hideously scarred, why did X-Pac have to teach me to talk?
JR:  Uh….
KN:  See?  This is what I mean.  I don’t make any friggin’ sense anymore.  Geez.
JR:  Well…At least we proved Katie Vick wasn’t all that crazy now.  After a few beers, you might not look so bad.  

RSG:  Could you guys leave X-Pac and Katie Vick out of this too?

Meanwhile, in Indiana, here’s Austinberg…

AB:  Don’t do it, Kane!
KN:  Do what?
AB:  Ruin all those years of building yourself up!  Or else you’ll end up jobbing to Rico on Heat!
JR:  But he’s the big Red Machine!  By GAWD! 

Then, J.R. gets so excited he drops the lamp on the floor.  Oops.  Kane lifts up his hands and throws them down, starting J.R. on fire.  Oops again.  Pass the BBQ sauce.  Hey!  Here’s Eric Bischoff.

EB:  See, Austinberg?  This is what happens when you come out and talk.  That’s why Linda is going to fire you during our date next week.
AB:  What?
JR:  Oh!  Oh, God!  I’m on fire!
EB:  SHUT UP!  Next week, Austinberg!  You’ve go the rest of the week to sit around and do whatever you want, and then we’re going to pay to fly you out to RAW until the top of the hour, and then we can fire you.
AB:  I’m gonna Stunner Linda!

Next Week:  Kane sets RVD’s singlet on fire, and RVD doesn’t notice.  Austinberg Stunners Linda.  Rock gives us the match that we’ve been waiting for since the last time we saw Rock…that’ s right:  Maven v. Rock!  NEXT WEEK!

Kane didn’t start the fire.  J.R. was always burning, with a sauce yearning.



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RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
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RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
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PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
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RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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