Wrestling News, Analysis and Commentary

News  -/-  Recaps  -/-  Columns  -/-  Features  -/-  Reference  -/-  Archives  -/-  Interact  -/-  Site Info

Donate to Online Onslaught!
     Daily Onslaught
     Obtuse Angle
     RAW Satire
     The Broad

     Inside the Ropes
     OOld Tyme
         Rasslin' Revue
     Title Wave
Crashing the

     Smarky Awards
     Big in Japan
     Guest Columnists
     2 Out of 3 Falls
     Devil's Due
     The Ring
     The Little Things
SK Rants
The Mac Files
     Sq'd Circle Jerk
     RAW vs. SD!:
         Brand Battle
     Cheap Heat 
     Year in Review
     Monday Wars
     Road to WM 

     Title Histories
     Real Names
     PPV Results
     Smart Glossary
     Message Boards
     Live Chat 
     OO History

If you attend a live show, or have any other news for us, just send an e-mail to this address!  We'd also love to hear from you if you've got suggestions or complaints about the site...  let us have it!

Zombie Linda Strikes!   

July 22, 2003

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week:  Jim Ross figures to need a lot less Kane in the future.  Austinberg was threatened with a good being fired by both Eric Bischoff and Chris Jericho.  Somebody wake up Shawn Michaels, quick!  He has a match TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Hey, speaking of Easy-E, old Eric is in the ring.  He’s wearing a suitcoat over his leather jacket tonight for his big date with Linda!  Oh boy!  Wait…Where’s Theme From WrestleMania!  They can’t be bothering to give LINDA new music, can they?  Holy crap!  Shouldn’t it be a generic rock song with some Motorhead lyrics?

“Unnngh…Here’s Linda!
She’s the CEO!

She’s the queen ho!”

Awesome.  I’m the new Jimmy Hart.  Anyway, here’s Linda who is out with flowers for Eric.  Aw.  Such a cute couple.  Wait, if she has a new song and a video package, does that mean she’s going to be a regular character?  Oh boy!  It’ll be like the return of Yeti!  I loved Yeti.  Linda is about to tell Eric that she just wants to be friends, but here’s Stone Man Still Austinberg.  Austinberg is about to Stunner Eric, when Linda steps in.

LM:  Austinberg, you can’t go around here stunnering everybody.
AB:  What?  I don’t understand your kooky deadpan style.
LM:  I am the most entertaining of the McMahons, Still.
AB:  Well, yeah…but…

EB:  But nothing, let’s go baby.
LM:  Austinberg, I’m afraid the WWE Board of Directors has decided that if you continue to attack people, especially Kane, you’ll have to split up.

EB: That’d be AWESOME!
AB:  But, beating up Kane is SO much fun.
LM:  I know.  Back when he was Isaac Yankem, we’d have him swing by the McMansion and hit him with sticks for a few hours.  But you’ll have to stop it, or you’ll be fired.

EB:  Alright! Let’s go back to the hotel!
AB:  But, I have matches!
LM:  Only in matches then.  Now both of you take the night off.  Eric, you especially.  You really creep me out.  Besides, everybody knows about my elicit love affair with Brock

Brock is at the top for the ramp.

BL:  Here comes the PAIN, Linda.
LM:  In a minute, dear.  Now.  Everybody out of the ring.  I’m bemoaning the lack of wrestling on this show. 

This show needs ADS, baby, ADS!  SOMEBODY has to pay for Linda’s new theme music.  I miss “Oh!  Oh!  Wrestlemania!” already.


Hey!  It’s the guys from UPN’S “The Mullets”, there is nothing I care about less than this.

Molly Holly and Victoria (w/ Stevie Richards) v. Gail Kim and Trish Stratus

Wait…I lied.  THIS I care less about.  Stevie is absolutely THRILLED that he made it onto RAW.  Molly has boobies.  So does everybody else in this match.  Including Stevie.  Gail Kim is so bored with this match that she falls asleep whilst running up the ropes.  Oops.  Molly covers up the spot by yelling, “You screwed up a spot you stupid, ho!  I should have the women’s title, not some girl who can’t even run up the ropes.”  Gail gets all sad, and Victoria rolls her up.  Best part of the match was Stevie’s fuzzy hat.  Fuzzy fuzzy hat.

The Latest WWE.Com poll!  I LOVE these!  This week’s question:  Should J.R. press charges against Kane?  Yes.  No.  Maybe.  The bastard deserved it.  Well, that’s a little harsh.


Here’s Terri who says that sometimes before the end of RAW, Kane will be wandering by this camera and she’ll be there!  Hey!  It’s Chris Jericho who does a little dance as he wanders by.  He’s got a match with the dancin’ prayer warrior, Shawn Michaels later, you know.  Then Austinberg and Bischoff wander by and complain about being sent home by Linda McMahon.  Eric invites Austinberg to help him waste his dinner reservations at Rainbow’s Bar and Strip.  Austinberg wisely shys away.  Lots of wandering here and nothing going on.  I love this segment.

Here’s the Evolution theme, now made a generic rock song with lyrics by Lemmy.  Wonderful:

“Unnnng…He’s the Game
And there’s Triple Naitch!
Randy Orton is Lame!
The winner is Triple H!”

Good times.  Good times.  Randy Orton tries very hard to be relevant, but he fails.  So here’s Triple Naitch:

TN:  WOOO!  I took your old lady to star with me in Disney’s new production of Space Mountain, fat boy!
HHH:  You’re still the man, Naitch.
RO:  But I beat up, Mick Foley!  And the Dudleyz!  I win!  ME!
HHH:  Are you still here?
RO:  *sigh*  Yeah.  But only because I have a match.  Right after the ad break.


Randy Orton (w/ Ric Flair) v. Val Venis

Oh, Legend Killer Randy Orton will really get over with this win over Val Venis.  Oh, yeah!  Wait.  No.  Hunter is on commentary, and he’s talking about holding down Randy Orton by talking about himself during the match.  That’s a pretty neat job there, Hunter.  Orton stands around for a while, and Val falls over.  “That’s his move!” says HHH.  He’s better than Coach. 

Triple H comes down and tells Orton to put a shirt on before Naitch starts grabbin’ boobies.  HHH points out the Evolution slogan “Game.  Lame.  Wooo!”  That’s great.

HHH:  Now, you know.  I know there’s nobody out there who can best me in a wrestling match.  Nope.  Nobody at all.  In fact if somebody were to come down right now, it wouldn’t be somebody who could beat me.  Nope.  So…let’s check the weather.  85 and sunny…Uh…today in sports…

Here’s Austinberg!  HHH is mad that somebody interupted his rambling.

AB:  Hey!  Hunter Hearst Helmsley!  Sorry I’m late, but I was Spearing The Rock!
HHH:  I told everybody not to call me by my real name anymore!  ARG!
AB:  Yeah, well.  You’re next.  Now give me a beer.

HHH:  Oh yeah?  Well, let’s touch noses. 

AB:  Oh, shoot.  I can’t, or else Linda will fire me.
HHH:  Well…uh…wanna make out?
AB:  Nah.  But we could have a match some time.
HHH:  Yeah…that’ll be nice.  I guess.

Poor HHH.


Backstage, the Evolution is chatting.

HHH4Life:  Sry, dudz!  Stoopid AOL keeps cutting I!
Gr8LukingGRLR0:  U cn beet Austenburg!!!  I belive in u!!
HHH4Life:  Thanx!!!~!  UR Hot! 
Gr8LukingGRLR0:  OMG!  That r0x0rz of U!
HHH4Life:  I’m logging off.
HHH4Life has logged off.
Gr8LukingGRLR0:  a/s/l?
WoO74:  19/M/L.A.
Gr8LukingGRLR0:  OMG!  18/f/L.A.

Let’s leave that one alone, shall we?  Hey!  Look!  Chris Jericho!


Chris Jericho v. Shawn Michaels

Shawn doesn’t get his extra pyro tonight.  I guess Kane killing off office staff didn’t save them enough money.  Coach says that only cool people know what bling bling is.  Too easy.  Ric Flair comes out halfway through the match, so I guess they’re done chatting.  Randy must be a skilled chatter.  Shawn tries for the Superkick but the ad break blocks it!  OH!  Heel turn by the ad break!


Lawler appologizes for the dastardly actions of the heel break, but promises that the live crowd was bored to death by a rest hold during the break, so we didn’t miss anything.  This is anything but Crazy Go Nuts.  Shawn gets a Superkick in under the ad break, but when Randy Orton runs down, he feels compelled to fall over.  He does!  Jericho gets him in the Walls of Jericho and gets the biggest win of his career!  Shawn Michaels jobs!  Next week:  Chris Jericho jobs to Maven!  Maven gets his heat back from that loss when Jericho was Undisputed Champion!


Lance Storm Cubed thinks that a movie about triplets who help insomniacs would be a great idea for a movie.  He passes the script on to Rob Reiner.  It will star Luke Wilson, Owen Wilson, and Tom Hanks as wacky misunderstood wrestling triplets with hearts of gold.  Coming next Spring!  From WWE Films.  Hahahahahaha…WWE Films is a front for a money laundering scheme, silly Reiner.

Hey!  The Rock is backstage to come out and make his big appearance.  Wait…here’s Kane.  WWE Films needs more Kane.  He’s wearing shackles, but that doesn’t stop him from killing The Rock.  Neither do any of his police guards.  I guess nobody loves The Rock anymore.  Oh no!  The People’s Crotch!


Terri, Ivory, and the APA went to the Middle East to “entertain” the troops.  I get how Terri, and Ivory, and even Bradshaw can “entertain”, but…what is Ron Simmons doing there?  Nobody is invited to the APA invitational.

Test v. Booker T.
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

But, Test isn’t Chris Tian!   I don’t get it.  Wait.  Chris Tian is watching on a monitor in the back.  He’s the only guy who does that.  Scott Steiner comes out with My Darling Stacy to give us a better view of Stacy’s ass.  Thanks, Scott!  Test is bowing to the power of the ass, and Booker rolls him up.  Booker retains!  The Ass is the most over face on the roster.  Even more over than John Cena.  I guess Coach Nash was unavailable for comment?

WWE.Com POLL:  Should J.R. sue?  In the lead is “The Bastard deserved it”.  One vote for “He should sue that bastard Austinberg!  I’ll get you yet Austinberg!  If it’s the last thing I dooooooo!”

Rob Van Dam is backstage.  Wow.


Hey!  It’s the Faces the greatest and best of the roster who will never wrestle on RAW.  The Hurricane is among them.

TH:  Why am I with these jobbers, Rosie?  I beat The Rock.
RS:  I don’t know, man.  I belong here.
TH:  Nah, man.  Fat Samoans are coming back.  Ask Rikishi.  Hey!  Let’s make you into a superhero!!  Then we can end my partner search!
RS:  Well…This idea sounds stupid, but I’ve got nothing better to do.  So, whatever.
TH:  What kind of hero should you be?  Do you have powers?
RS:  I’m fat.
TH:  That’s great.  Uh…Fat Retro Jersey Boy!

Hey!  It’s Smackdown Referee Goldust Sparks back from his tour of Asia!

GD:  I’ve got a great idea!  You can be the Fat Ugly Crustacean Krusader.

See, now that doesn’t even make sense.  Why would he want to be the…oh.  Teehee.  Like Aquaman.

Hey!  Kane sure is taking his sweet time to get to the friggin’ ring.


Kane v. Rob Van Dam

Well, I shouldn’t even bother to do that, because the match never happens.  Rob runs out, and a fan throws a bag of Chili Cheese Fritos, and Rob says “Finally!” and leaves.  So Kane just kind of stalks around for a while, disappointed that he won’t get to win a match now,  until Arn Anderson and Johnny Ace come out to appease him.  1..2...Johnny Ace!  Just kidding, CRZ, Johnny Ace jobbed.  But Kane thirsts for more of himself, and he pulls Linda McMahon out of her little hiding spot behind the curtains (where she hides so that she can whip the wrestlers with wet towels after matches), and hits her with a Tombstone.  Zombie sit up by Linda!  Linda cannot be harmed!  Kane freaks out!  We’re out of time!

Next Week:  Linda and Kane have a forty minute Zombie Match.  Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair will log on and find love!  With each other!!  Finally, we get an answer:  Austinberg and HHH at Summerslam, or not?  The world kinda sorta doesn’t care.

The Rock died?  Well, we still have Maven.


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.