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Matt Hardy?  Jamie Noble's Toybox?
Which Brand IS This? 

August 12, 2003

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week:  Shane McMahon got his bad hair all messed up by Eric Bischoff and Kane, oh AND he almost died.  Kevin Nash and Chris Jericho promoted a HAIR VS. HAIR match that will set the wrestling world AFIRE.  Austinberg accidentally booked himself into an elimination chamber, but what will become of his NECK?  Find out…not tonight…

Rosey is backstage with Austinberg…

RS:  Check it out, Still.  “We Like the Backstreet Boys, *Nsync too…”
AB:  Did you just SAY an asterisk?
RS:  Uh..no.
AB:  What did you want?
RS:  Can you bring in Evan Kourageous and trade Smackdown for Shannon Moore?  I’m thinking of getting the band back together!
AB:  Evan who?  Wait…getting the…you’re not reforming the nWo again, are you?
RS:  No, man.  THREE COUNT

Here’s The Hurricane

TH:  No.  NO!  NO!!!
AB:  Shannon Moore, huh?  Isn’t that…like…Daffney?  

RS:  No, that’s Shannon Ward.  How about Evan Kourageous?
AB:  Wait a minute.  No.  I can’t stand that guy.

TH:  Yeah.  He can’t stand that guy.  Now just give me my green dot, and I’ll leave.
RS:  But!  Three Count!  Three Count!
TH:  Stop that!
RS:  “Sing along with Three Count…”

TH:  Austinberg, make him stop.
AB:  I’m sick off all y’all.

(Opening Credits)

Spike TV?  You mean like Spike Lee?  Wow!

Here’s Eric Bischoff to start the show off right!  He says that he’s glad that Shane almost died last week, because now there’s no reason for any McMahons to be on this show.  Not that he’d mind, McMahons = Ratingz.  Plus, he could have gotten to see the McMahon’s Boobies.  That only happens with Stephanie.  And it only happened ONCE.  Oh, wait.  Twice.  Hey, here’s J.R.!  Sooner Bloomers!  Eric asks J.R. why he’s out there, and J.R. says that it’s to bemoan the lack of wrestling on this show.  Then J.R. says that he’s going to sue Eric Bischoff’s ass for putting him in a room with Kane.  Wasn’t that Austinberg that did that?  Oh, never mind.  Don’t let previous angles get in the way of the angles of today.  I’ve LEARNED from Vince Russo.

Undertaker and Bradshaw come out, because this is a matter for WRESTLER’S COURT!

Mark Lloyd:  Hey, folks.  It’s time for another exciting edition of “Wrestler’s Court”.  The Plantiff in this case, Jim “J.R.” Ross is suing Eric “Eazy-E” Bischoff for damages incurred when, Kane, under the direction of Mr. Bischoff burned J.R. alive.  The defendant is countersuing for being forced to wear this dorky jacket.  Who will win in this case of “Less Kane v. Beat Shane”?

AB:  All Rise!  The honorable Judge Undertaker presiding.  Your honor, this is case number 3826, the case of Ross v. Bischoff.  You may be seated.
EB:  There’s no chairs.
AB:  Then stand.
UT:  Alright, I’ve got to get going.  My bike is double parked.  Let’s hear the cases.
JR:  He had Kane burn me, dammit.
BS:  Who wants a beer?
AB:  Oh!  Me!  Me!
EB:  In my defense…
UT:  We only have a prosecutor right now.  Our defense attorney, Nunzio, got sent to OVW.

EB:  That’s not fair!
UT:  Are you arguing with me?  In my yard?

BS:  He sure is!  Let’s bring him to the showers.
AB:  Objection!  That’s his response to everything.
UT:  Sustained.  Bradshaw, keep your pants on.  This is a civil suit.
JR:  Burned, by GAWD!
CJ:  Is this going to take much longer?  I have to take a wizz.
UT:  Chris Jericho motions for a bathroom break, anyone care to second?
AB:  Hold on…

Austinberg says rather than having a wrestler’s court, they’re just going to have a Bischoff/Kane match later tonight.  Then EVERYBODY (but the fans) will be happy.  Everybody (but the fans) agrees that this is the best course of action.  Wait, I think Stevie Richards is objecting to it, but nobody pays any attention.  Poor, Stevie.


Triple H poses and growls!  I need a drink.  How about this POWER FLUID?!  Thanks, Hunter.  You really ARE the Game.

Nobody has taken Coach away to his box, yet.  He is defiant in his quest to remain RAW’s Number One announcer.  Funaki waits in the wings for him to let his guard down.

Rico and Miss Jackie v. Scott Steiner and My Darling Stacy

Stacy and Jackie trade pin covers, but fail to do the Indy Appreciation Spot.  Geez.  Back to my room and OVW (respectively) for you.  Rico and Steiner are afraid that they will be shown up, so they go outside to brawl with Test.  Good show.  Not this show.  I was saying that as like…a…uh…thing.  You know.  Yeah.  Jackie wins after blowing a spot, and almost killing Stacy.  HEY!  I guess Stacy doesn’t have the backstage power to get a push. 

Steiner is mad, because Stacy needs a real man, and he’s a genetic freak.  You jobbed to me.  Hahahahaha.  Test said that he’s mad too, and they challenge me to a mach for Stacy again.  Oh geez.  Somebody get me some different music, I want to be repackaged as a bad ass.

Ric Flair is mad because he has to fight Austinberg AGAIN tonight!

RF:  I’m mad because I have to fight Austinberg AGAIN tonight!  Woo.
HHH:  Oh yeah, well, I have to fight FIVE guys in an elimination chamber, with an injured groin.
RO:  Four guys.  I’ll help you out, champ.
HHH:  Go away Orton.  Your ass is the FIRST one I’m pinning.  I don’t care what the order of entry is.  You’re just The Lame.  What did you do to deserve an entry in the Elimination Chamber?
RO:  I…uh…got a cool tattoo on my arm?
RF:  Wooo!  I took your old lady on a ride on Space Mountain last night!  WOO!
HHH:  See?  Triple Naitch DESERVES to be in there.  Not everybody takes your old lady on a ride on Space Mountain, Randy.  I’m tired of people screwing with me.  I want to screw everybody else.
RO:  Oh crap, does that mean we need to rub your groin again?
HHH:   No I meant all the girls.  The girls.  Shawn Michaels.  I mean uh…PEDIGREE!

HHH Pedigrees Orton.  Bwahahaha.  Best RAW EVER!


Here’s Kane’s Box.  Will Kane be inside…TONIGHT?

La Croissants v. The Dudley Boyz
Non-Title Match for Not the WWE World Tag Team Titles

The French guys decide that they don’t like to have matches, and just start hitting the Dudleyz with flags representing their supposed countries.  Spike can’t run in to make the save, because he can’t find the Dudleyville National Flag.


Molly Holly runs into Goldust who brings in Lance Storm Cubed.  Lance Storm Cubed says “I’m pleased to meet you, would you like go and have sex later?”  Molly is a VIRGIN!  Geez, didn’t Christopher Nowinski tell you that she still had Paul Heyman?  Lance Storm Cubed puts on some Goldust makeup and chases some midgets!  CRAZY go nuts!

Kevin Nash is combing his lovely locks when Shawn Michaels comes by and they fight over the mirror for a minute.  Then Austinberg walks by and tells them that it’s HIS mirror, and hit hits them both in the head with it.  Seven Years bad angles for Austinberg!  He can team with Kane!

It’s Booker T!  Wait…Apparently, Booker forgot to eat his Hungry Man dinner and blew off the ship the stars of the WWE were sailing.  I guess we’ll have to settle for Intercontinental Champion Chris Tian.


He won the title in Des Moines, Iowa.  Yeah right.  I’ve been to Des Moines, and NOTHING is going on there, much less title changes.  Chris Tian challenges anybody from the back.  Spike Dudley comes out with the Dudleyville national flag to make the save for his brothers.  I guess we have a match!

Spike TV Dudley v. Chris Tian
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Spike puts up a good fight to debut his new network, but it’s all for naught because he’s Spike Dudley, TV or not.  Lawler asks Coach if he’s ever seen the programming on Spike TV.  Gee, Jerry, I don’t know.  Is it still the same programming as it always was on TNN?  Yes?  Well then he probably has.

Kane is about to leave his box when Eric Bischoff approaches.

EB:  Hey, look.  We have a match, and I was just wondering if you wanted to go over me?  Real quick like.
KN:  Like a “finger poke of doom” type thing?
EB:  Yeah.  That’d be fine.
KN:  Uh…no.
EB:  Why ever not?
KN:  Because, it didn’t work for Hogan/Nash, it’s not going to work tonight.
EB:  Oh, man.  But it worked for HHH/HBK and…uh…the New Age Outlaws.
KN:  Shut up.


J.R. is back out to put Coach in his box.  I’m somehow expecting this to lead to a shocking swerve where J.R. turns on Austin and starts up a stable with Kane and Bischoff.  That’d be neat.

Kane v. Eric Bischoff

Kane’s music goes on forever doesn’t it.  Eric tries to get Kane to pin him, but Kane gets distracted by hitting on the hot popcorn vendor in row five.  “Gimme some of that ass,” Kane says.  He gets counted out.  Oh well, it’ll all be worth it if he gets him a piece of that ass.  Wait, RVD is out and he wants him some hot popcorn vendor.  Wait, no, he just wants some popcorn.  Kane hits RVD with a chair, and leaves with the girl.  The girl leaves the popcorn for when RVD regains consciousness!  A winner is everybody!

Trish is oiling her breasts.  I guess that means she’s up NEXT!  Or maybe she just likes oiling her breasts, I don’t know.


Terri is asking Gail Kim about her shocking heel turn last week.  She said she was tired of being booed for blowing spots, so now she can just chalk up those boos to her heel turn.  That’s what I call good thinking.

Gail Kim v. Trish Stratus v. Molly Holly
For the WWE Women’s Title

Oh come on.  Just give Stacy the title, and maybe I’ll watch.  Trish and Gail blow some spots right away for some Jeff Hardy-like in ring action.  Molly isn’t blowing spots, and she cheats to win!  She’s Molly Guererro.  Why not?  It’s not like there are any Holly’s around.

Triple H has the exciting news that Randy Orton will take at least one ref bump tonight.  Flair can’t wait to see it.  Randy models the ref shirt in the background and Flair tries to grab his man boobs.  You know, why don’t they sell those ref shirts?  I’d buy a billion of them things.


Here’s an Old Lady.  She’s trying to cross the street, but Rosey is standing in the middle singing “Britney Spears is kind of cute, I watch TRL, on MTV.  Everybody!  Three Count!  1!  2! 3!”  When she asks him to move, he asks her if she wants to be one of the Nitro Girls, and she hits him.  Hurricane come in to tell him to stop this crap, but Rosey is dancing in the streets.  Shannon Moore tries to go out and join him, but Matt Hardy hits him with the Twist of Fate.

Austinberg is considering bringing in Meng so that he can finally trade him for that Jerry Flynn pizza card that’s been keeping him awake at night.  Eric Bischoff thinks that that is a terrible idea.  In anger, Austinberg books Bischoff v. Shane McMahon at SummerSlam.  A match sure to be worth…uh…10…15 whole cents of you bill.


Theodore Long drank some bad Hateraid.  Estimates on his recovery are sometime between now and the next time he shows up on RAW or Heat. 

Rodney Mack v. The Hurricane

If I were to pick a match to get the crowd excited…this would certainly not be one of them.  Hurricane wins after he jumped around and Rodney got sleepy.  Rosey makes his big entrance and tells Rodney that he’s auditioning for the Tank Abbot role.  Rodney is still asleep.


It’s time for the Chris Jericho Highlight Reel.  He brings out Kevin Nash, and they threaten each other’s hair.  Nash says that he should have his own show called “Nash Eye for the Canadian Guy” where he helps Canadian wrestlers pick out new looks.  I hope he does Benoit first!  Then Nash pulls out Jamie Knoble’s Briefcase of Adult Pleasure.  What the hell?  Smackdown crossovers?  Oh, man.  This can only lead me one place.

Nash tries to cut off Jericho’s hair with a vibrator.  That’s not exactly going to work, Kev.  Jericho runs away anyway, because he can just SMELL the Billy Gunn on it.  Nashole.

Hey!  Randy Orton has stolen Shawn Michael’s Referee Biker Shorts.  THAT’S where they went!


AHAHAHAHA!  Austinberg dresses in a supply closet!

Austinberg v. Ric Flair
With Biker Shorts Wearing Referee Randy Orton

Austinberg isn’t having any of this nonsense.  He should get to book the matches!  As a result, he refuses to sell until Ric actually punches him in the junk and then kicks his knee.  Ouch.  

Shawn Michaels comes out to take back his biker shorts, but then realizes he’d have to touch The Lame to get them.  So instead, Austinberg just spears everyone and counts the pinfall himself.  That’s what I call action!  Still needs more Kane though.

Next Week:  The Elimination Chamber becomes the Elimi-Date Chamber in an inexplicable crossover that likely leads to Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho going on a date.  Kevin Nash will lose his hair so that he can reprise his role as Super Shredder in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 4:  How Shredder got his Ooze Back.  Shane McMahon will be back, and trying not to die!

Join us Friday for more Hot Satire Action!


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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