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RAW SATIRE    
90% Jericho, 90% of the Time! 

September 23, 2003

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night:  Austinberg began his reign of awesomeness after winning  the WWE World Title.  Shane McMahon flopped from high places and met up with Mick Foley.  Chris Tian got the difficult 23456 in Yahtzee and retained the Intercontinental Title

(Opening Credits)

Lillian Garcia introduces Al Snow and Jonathan Coachman who won the WWE Announcer Titles last night.  The Announcer Glass Ceiling has been BROKEN!  J.R. and Jerry Lawler can’t hold them down ANY MORE!

Here’s the World Champion Stone Man Still Austinberg!  It’s funny to see him carrying around the belt like that, not because he usually wears it, but because he’s not HHH.  I miss HHH.  He was like my comfort blanket.  At least I can be assured that the only two guys on Smackdown who will ever have the title are Brock Lesner and Kurt Angle.  Austinberg says that HHH should have known better, the bees are tired of HHH as champion.  Suddenly, his music hits, and Austinberg comes down the entrance ramp again.  Wha?

WAIT  Austinberg is holding his YJStinger!  Oh, man!  He teleported backstage and made another entrance just to soak in more pops.  Austinberg is a glory hound.  He chugs a few Beeweisers.  This brings out Eric Bischoff to complain about the lack of wrestling Austinberg is providing.  He says that he created both parts of Austinberg by firing one from WCW and pushing one.  Eric puts his hand on Austinberg’s shoulder and asks him if he’s listening, but Austinberg stopped paying attention before Eric even came out, and so he decides to spear Bischoff instead.  AUSTINBERG IS A HOUSE AFIRE!

(ads)

Rob Van Dam v. Chris Tian
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Rob tries to break out the Travel Yahtzee again, but Christian no sells Rob’s attempt at good natured fun.  I know you don’t like this match, but there’s no need to get bitchy about it, Chris.  Rob tries to wrestle, but he’s distracted by HHH on the Titan Tron holding a sign that says “You miss my party, you job.”  Rob tries to go for the Five Star, but Charles Robinson points up at the screen, and RVD lets himself fall.  Poor Rob.  He just can’t get anything to go right for him.  Christian rolls over to get the win, and then pulls a ladder out of RVD’s singlet.  What the hell was that in there for?  Christian decides that now would be a good time to jump off a very high place, and he does!  Right on to RVD!  Ass sweat flies everywhere!! 

Chris Jericho is backstage with Eric Bischoff….

CJ:  Dammit, Eric, I was in 90% of the segments last night, and everybody is STILL just talking about Austinberg.
EB:  Well…to be fair, you were talking about him in 90% of the 90% of the segements.
CJ:  Damn your moon math, Bischoff.
EB:  Ow.  My rib cage.
CJ:  Well, that’s what you get for trying to put an end to Austinberg’s bee drinking habits.
EB:  I only wish he’d stop drinking it all so that I could teleport around the country and visit strip clubs all day.
CJ:  That’d be great.
EB:  Yeah.  Instead I just have to go home and download fake Lita porn on my lap top.
CJ:  Uh…say, can I get a world title shot?
EB:  That’s a rather sudden appearance of plot.
CJ:  Well, it’s why I’m here.
EB:  Sure, why not.  It’s not like we pre-book our main events or anything.
CJ:  Great, let me go get my main eventing shoes.
EB:  Be careful, I think Dean Malenko is wearing them around trying to convince Lita he’s over 4 feet tall mark.
CJ:  No midgets for Lita, eh?  Damned shame, she doesn’t know what she’s missing out on.

(ads)

Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak come out for a match, but Evolution puts a stop to that.  Yes, God forbid there be wrestling this late into the show.

HHH:  Dude, what the hell were you guys thinking?  The Heat tapings are over.
GC:  Austinberg said…
HHH:  Austinberg said nothing.  He doesn’t book this show, I do!
RO:  Then why did you book yourself to lose the World Title?

PEDIGREE TO ORTON!

HHH:  HA!  You stupid dork.  Anyway, like I said, you guys are terrible.  No RAW for you.
MJ:  In WCW I was, like, a main eventer, man.  Ever hear of a little thing called the Natural Born Thrillers?
RF:  Oh, yeah!  WOOO!  You guys were like my posse for finding all the hotest babes on the town, baby!
MJ:  See?  Even Naitch likes us.
RF:  And every week you’d just bring me Shannon Moore.  What the hell?
HHH:  Alright, that’s it.  It’s time to wrap this Hot Segment up.  Austinberg, you may have the title and the YJStinger, but I licked all the bagels backstage, so now you don’t have anything to snack on.  As for you two idiots…uh…go have a match backstage with the rest of the Lance Storms or something.
MJ:  Yes, sir.

(ads)

Theodore Long is out, and not only is he against Stacker 2 YJStinger (Project Haterade for Whitey), but he’s running for president.  Apparently, he’s Pro-Thuggin’ and Buggin’, while Anti-Whitey and Being Held Down.  No clue what his view on the economy would be, but it must be ok if he can afford suits like this, buhlee that.  He’s instantly better than any of the current Democratic party front runners.  Theodore says it’s time for a White Boy Challenge.  Oh, how I’ve missed these.  Hey!  Mark Henry is actually black even.  This works out very well!

Mark Henry (w/ Theodore Long and Rodney Mack) v. Tommy F’N DREAMER~!

There’s no clock or no DQ, so I guess the challenge is just to be the coolest cat on the planet.  Tommy Dreamer has that in spades.  Tommy Kendo sticks everything in sight, but unfortunately, his cane gets tied up in Mark Henry’s dreads, and Henry is able to hit the powerslam for the win.  Oh, he’s just jealous that he’s not as cool.  Thanks for coming out tonight anyway, Tommy!  Next week you’ll win for sure.

(ads)

Maven, Cade and Jindrak all break into the Evolution locker room to attack HHH!

HHH:  Oh, geez!  It’s The Rock!  Ric, go get beat up while I make my escape!
RF:  You got it, champ!
RO:  He’s not even the champ anymore.  Hell, I BEAT Shawn Michaels, man.
RF:  He’s got a point, Hunter.
HHH:  Damn you, Orton!
MV:  I’m not even The Rock.  Geez.  I’m Maven.  I won Tough Enough?
RF:  Shaniqua?
MV:  No….
RF:  Oh.  Well, I took your old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN anyway, fat boy!  Wooo!
MV:  I remember when that was Torrie.  Sigh.
RF:  Are you trying to steal my boy’s woman?
HHH:  Wasn’t that Stacy?
RF:  No, first it was Torrie, then for a while it was Daffney, THEN it was Stacy.
MJ:  Yeah, and before him, Stacy was with Lenny and Lody and Los Fabulosos and then it was Stasiak, The Dudleyz, Vince, Test, Steiner, Test again….
HHH:  The women in this industry really get around, don’t they?
RF:  You have no idea, brother.
GC:  Doesn’t anybody remember that we came in here to fight?
RO:  Kinda…That was so long ago.
GC:  Five minutes?
HHH:  I know this is a plot by all of you young guys to force me out of the main event.  I’m not falling for it!  PEDIGREE TO ALL Y’ALLS!
RF:  Uh…
HHH:  EXCEPT FLAIR!

That was the hottest segment ever!

Yikes!  The voice in my head is telling me that Camera Six is my worst case scenario…what does that even mean?  Is it some sort of code?  I wonder if it didn’t mean Motel Six.  Yeah, I’d hate to stay there every night.  Actually, I think this is more Meltzer Code and the WWE is telling me “Smackdown Sucks”, so I’ll take it to heart.  I’m distracted enough to fail to notice Trish Stratus and Lita walking past Chris Jericho and Chirs Tian.

CJ:  Look at those fine pieces of ass.
CT:  Dude, didn’t your wife just have a kid or something?
CJ:  You think that’ll hurt my chances?
CT:  With Lita?  Nah.  Though I think Trish likes guys with shorter hair.
CJ:  That’s not what I heard.
CT:  Oh don’t start in on that whole conspiracy again….
AB:  What whole conspiracy?
CJ:  What are you doing here?
AB:  I heard the word ass so I teleported over.
CJ:  Oh, we were just talking about Trish and Lita.
AB:  Oh.  That’s unfortunate.  Hey, Christian, since you like digging in RVD’s singlet so much, I thought you could do it again next week.
CT:  It’s already on my “To Do” list, after “download fake Morgan Webb porn”.
CJ:  No kidding?  That’s on MY list too!
AB:  Who?
CT:  She’s a…never mind…what’s this about RVD’s singlet?
AB:  You can dig in it all you want NEXT WEEK IN A LADDER MATCH!
CT:  Ok.
CJ:  Dude you’ve got to check out this car Rob Conway crapped out last night….

(ads)

Gail Kim and Molly Holly v. Lita and Trish Stratus

Lita Fact:  Lita loves all cats and dogs, so I guess she loves pussies.
Lita Fact:  Lita doesn’t wear thongs outside her pants anymore because Jeff stole them all.

Uh…didn’t I JUST recap this match?  Then Why bother doing it again?  It should be able to keep my attention, right? Especially if Lita keeps landing on her head like she does about 75 times during this match. Alas, I, much like the honorable Dave Meltzer, must pick a match to fall asleep during, and this seems to be a good a choice as any. Wait…never mind. Lita is loading up the red mist. This match might go well after all! Wait. Is that blood? Oh. More people should bust open Randy Orton like that. I’m just saying. Hey, did Lita just win this match? She did. Dammit.

That was…relatively painless.

Jericho is backstage with Bischoff again.

EB:  What the hell are you doing back here?
CJ:  Isn’t this great?  I just keep wandering up to people backstage, and they start rolling the cameras thinking something interesting is going to happen!
EB:  And then what?
CJ:  I deliver my witty one liners and eat up half the show!
EB:  That’s great!
CJ:  You better believe it Eric Assclown!
EB:  Hey!  We’re both heels!
CJ:  Sorry.  Say, do you want to be the special guest referee for the match tonight?
EB:  No, but I do want to be the special guest enforcer.
CJ:  Why?
EB:  That looks better on a resume.  Referee just means I get knocked out from a chop.

(ads)

Stacy and Steiner are backstage too.  Who would have expected THAT swerve?

SK:  I’m the most valuable title in the WWE!
SS:  Why the hell did you hit me last night?
SK:  Oh.  I don’t particularly like you.  Plus, Matt willed it so.
SS:  I guess that makes sense.
TT:  Ah!  My two love slaves!  Get my bags.
SK:  Why?  It’s not like you have a match or anything.
SS:  Yeah, why are we here when we could be having wild threesomes in Mexico or something?
SK:  Ew.
TT:  Yeah.  That wasn’t cool.  I’ve got a better idea.  Let’s see who can throw my bags the furthest!
SS:  Oh!  Me first!

As exciting as that might be, here’s an even MORE exciting hospital!  Kane is still topless, easily topping my list of disturbing things I’ve seen today.

KN:  Hey, Shane.
SM:  Kane!  DAMN YOU!  I’m going to kill you!
KN:  Dude, I brough you a scone and this morning’s paper.
SM:  Kane, it’s 10/9c.
KN:  It’s harder to find an “undisclosed location” than you might think.  Are you ok?  You took a nasty spill into that boiler room.
SM:  Oh, it wasn’t anything.  The DDT Mick gave me hurt worse.
KN:  Here, let me get you some strawberry jam.

Kane spills jam all over Shane!  Shane has a crimson mask!  Kane leans over to wipe it off, but he accidently pushes Shane’s bed through the wall (RVD:  Can’t I work ANYWHERE?).  Shane rolls down the hall for a little while while Kane pushes security guards out of the way of his mission to clean Shane’s face.  However, when Shane collides head on with a nurse carrying a bed pan, Kane can’t help but stop and laugh.  Freeze Frame!

(ads)

Hurricane and Rosey v. Rob Conway and Rene Dupree (w/ Sylvan Grenier)

Sylvan of course was injured last night when the Dudley Boyz accidentally drove over him five times on their way out of the arena.  Of course the arena empties out at the start of Shane’s music.  Rosey tries to dance around, and the resulting jiggle hypnotizes Conway, which allows Rosey to get the pin.  The Dudz run out to make sure that nobody else in the tag division gets over.

(ads)

The WWE announced their “Championship Tag Team” with Hip Hop to fight Breast cancer, or vote, or make the world safer for shrews or something.  Along with Vince, the WWE was represented by Bradshaw and Maven.  Ok, come on, guys.  A partnership with Hip Hop and the guys you dredge up are an old billionaire, a redneck who owns a slave, and Maven, the second whitest black guy in the company (behind Rodney Mack)?  Whatever.  It would have been GREAT for business if Teddy Long had showed up.

TL:  The WWE and Hip Hop be Thuggin’ and Buggin’ playas to stop the Man, that is to say, whitey, from haterizin’ on all these shrews out there.
Russell Simons: 
Buhlee dat!

Garrison Cade, Mark Jindrak and Maven v. Triple H, Ric Flair and Randy Orton

Maven comes to the ring with a bull and a big black thing crudely drawn on his arm with Sharpie, causing Triple H to shout, “Look out guys!  It’s MAVEN!”  To which Ric Flair responded, “AHAHAHAHAHA WOOO!”  Maven gets depressed and leaves, so I guess this is a handicapped match.  Randy Orton plays Randy Orton throughout the match and tries to get people to fall over, but Cade and Jindrak are to green to know what to do, so Orton just tags out.  Near the end of the match, Orton calls for Jindrak and Cade to turn heel with him so that they can take over the WWE, but Hunter hits the PEDIGREE TO ORTON to stop any such nonsense.  For a brief moment, Cade sees his own reflection and thinks he’s Jeff Jarrett and starts to leave for NWA-TNA when Flair rolls him up for the win!  Triple H grabs a microphone and says, “What the hell is going on?  Chris Jericho has been in twice as many segments as me!  I’m out of here!”  I guess that’s it for him then.

(ads)

We go LIVE to Hollywood for the Rock at his movie premier!

ML:  Hey Maven!  What the hell?  How did you get from Washington DC to LA in two minutes?  You can’t even get across LA in two minutes!!
TR:  What the hell are you talking about?  I’m the Rock!  The Great One!  It’s my movie premier!
ML:  Uh…Whatever, Maven.
TR:  Whatever, Michael Cole wannabe.  Fine.  Whatever.  I drank a can of YJStinger and teleported over here.
ML:  Wow!  That stuff is great!
CW:  Hello…uh…Rock.
ML:  Oh, no Mr. Walken, this is Maven.
CW:  Oh.  I don’t know who that is.  SECURITY!
TR:  Dammit, Lloyd!  Now I’m going to get thrown out of my own movie premier!  I just wanted to take this time to thank Vince and all the boys in the back….
CW:  You don’t mean it, Maven.

Rock is taken away.

ML:  So, Chris, what do you think about RAW?
CW:  Needs more Kane.

(ads)

Chris Jericho v. Stone Man Still Austinberg
For The WWE World Title with Special Enforcer Eric Bischoff

Austinberg and Jericho trade the advantage for a short time, with Jericho always cheating.  Austinberg gets frustrated and goes outside to spear the steel steps.  They were asking for it.  Jericho hits a Lionsault (kinda) and goes for the pin, and Bischoff comes in to try for the fast count!  Austinberg has had enough of all this cheating, and he uses the powers granted to him by Stacker 2 YJStinger to Jackhammer Bischoff and Jericho at the same time!  NO!  Austinberg, you can’t keep beating up Bischoff like this, remember?!  I hope he doesn’t get fired.  He DOES however, retain the World Title.

Next Week:  All Jericho all the time continues as he takes credit for making HHH quit!  Austinberg faces the punishment of beating up Eric Bischoff”  “Eating RVD Singlet Cheese”.  And Kane visits Shane in the hospital, and brings his colony of Fire Ants as a gift.  Hilarity ensues!

Join me then.  OR ELSE!

E-MAIL MATT    
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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