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RAW SATIRE    
One Year of Satiring...
Here, Have Some Cake and a Frosty!   

October 21, 2003

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Well…this is my one year anniversary.  What started out as a means to make a one note joke about how the Katie Vick angle was only a few small tweaks away from being the funniest angle in the history of the WWE has spread to an entire year of mindnumbing columns.  Look back and remember the days of Jeff Hardy’s spot blowing, Steve Austin’s no-showing, Lance Storm’s Action Figure breaking, and HHH’s mannequin-love making, shows booked by Tommy Dreamer and fun facts about Lita.  We look ahead now, to PEDIGREES TO RANDY ORTON, Jericho’s Canadian courting, More and More of that wacky Kane, and another HHH title reign.  A special thanks to CRZ, Jeb Tennyson Lund, and Rick Scaia for making this possible.  And to All of You for putting up with me.  ON WITH THE SHOW!

Last Week:  Triple H wasn’t there, but the Mid-carders were, and EVERYBODY got a match.  Chris Jericho turned face…maybe…when he helped Trish Stratus.  Shane McMahon layed out a challenge to a sleeping Kane.  Will Kane respond?  Find out…TONIGHT!

CJ:  Did…did I just get mentioned in the intro?
HHH:  Yeah.  Who cares.  You’re lame, Jericho.  Get out.
CJ:  All my work, and I get kicked out before the show even starts.
HHH:  I heard Bischoff is looking for somebody to hang out with.  Go hang out with him. 

Jericho leaves.

HHH:  Loser.
RO:  So…I hear there’s a big party tonight.
RF:  Wooo!  By Gawd, it’s the one year anniversary of RAW!  Woooo!
RO:  Uh…wasn’t it just the TENTH Anniversary of RAW?
HHH:  Randy….
RO:  Ok.  Ok.  Geez.  Sorry.
HHH:  Everybody has been asked to bring something to the party tonight.  People can’t get in without something for the potluck.  RVD bought a bunch of Fritos, Booker just bought some Wendy’s, I think, Dreamer’s bringing bread sticks, La Resistance is bringing punch and pie, Trish is bringing Tuna Salad….
RO:  Huh?
HHH:  See because….
RO:  Oh, wait.  I get it.
HHH:  Right.  Anyway, any guesses as to what we’re going to bring?
RO:  Uh…some Jello?
RF:  I don’t get it.  How does that fit our gimmick?
RO:  Because there’s always room on the card for HHH?
HHH:  Hehehehe…No.  A cake of course.
RF:  Uh…Woo?
RO:  How does THAT fit our gimmick?  I’d think Rob would bring a cake, because just like a cake he’s always bak….
HHH:  Shut up.  I want some goddamn cake.  That’s how it fits our gimmick.  Stephanie baked this last night.  I’m going off to the wedding rehearsal.  I got Lemmy to work up a kickass version of “Here Comes Mrs. The Game”, so I’m going to give the cake to you.  DON’T LOSE IT!
RO:  Why is it in a briefcase?
HHH:  Because it PEDIGREE TO ORTON!
RF:  You’re still the champ!  WOO!

(Opening Credits)

Stone Cold Steve Austin is out, and he’s reading Chapter 26, “You’re Still Not Fused Yet, What the Hell is Wrong With You?!?”  Austin says that he got a note this morning that somebody was going to call him out at the beginning of the show.  It’s nice that everybody waited until the show started to do this.  Test is wheeled out by My Darling Stacy who knows that it’s nice to help the handicapped.  Test is pissed off that Austin let Shane McMahon break his foot, and wants to know what that was all aboot.  Austin isn’t having ANY of that though, because he knows very well that Test LOVES being injured taking time off just like his idol Coach Nash.  Test is sad because Austin saw through his clever ruse.  Test is about to ask Austin to apologize to My Darling Stacy, but she releases the brake on his wheel chair and Test slowly rolls into Austin.  STUNNER TO TEST!  Austin was provoked!  For kicks, Lawler brings up the time when Austin beat up Santa.  J.R. is shocked that ANYBODY remembers that.  That was way back in the ‘90s.

Eric Bischoff appears on the Titan Tron and says that he was thinking that maybe it’d be a good idea to keep booking matches for this Survivor Series deal they’re working on.  So, he’ll turn over the secret document that Vince McMahon used to set up the first Austinberg fusion, IF Austin’s team can defeat his team at Survivor Series.  At what?  Parcheesi?  Bischoff’s team already has Scott Steiner and Chris Jericho, in case you’re wondering.  Jericho seems pleased, but Steiner is wearing his old Chainmail +1 v. Cruiserweights, just in case Jericho tries anything.  Austin is ok with all this, mostly because Goldberg is the only one who remembers where Austin put the remote, and he isn’t telling.

Austin starts drinking beers left and right and Stacy dumps one down the front of her shirt.  Austin can’t stay mad at poor Stacy, so he lets her go without a Stunner this time.

(ads)

Shane McMahon is backstage with an entourage of cops.  Man, you’d think he was Goldberg or something. 

Rene Dupree and Rob Conway v. The Dudley Boyz
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

The Dudley Boyz are dedicating this match to the late great Road Warrior Hawk.  That’s nice.  Dupree and Conway are dedicating this match to the late great Sylvan Grenier, who died in a Fondue Pot accident last week.  Apparently, however, he’s still expected to make the party tonight, so, good for him.  The Dudleyz win because their guy is actually dead, and it wouldn’t be much of a tribute match if they didn’t win it.  Of course, they used the classic Road Warrior move of jamming Conway in the eye with a huge foam spike taped to football pads.  Ah, memories.  We’ll miss you, Hawk!

(ads.  You know…At least Vince has a sense of humor over the whole XFL thing.  Whenever I see this commercial though, I can’t help but thinking “Oh no!  Look out, it’s Rey Misterio!  He might run at you!!”  I mean, come on.  He weighs, what, 10 lbs?)

Bischoff is trying to get Jericho and Steiner to work together, but Jericho keeps calling Steiner “Chains for Brains” and Steiner keeps threatening to get freaky with Jericho’s peaks.  Which is either a threat or a pick-up line.  Knowing Steiner, it’s both.

Terri is backstage with Randy Orton and Ric Flair.  Oh, boy.

TR:  Let’s get this out of the way.
RF:  AH!
TR:  What’s in the briefcase?  Seems lighter this week.
RO:  It’s a cake for the big party tonight.  HHH entrusted it to us.
RF:  Terri!  WOOO!  I took your old lady on a ride on Space Mountain last night, WOO!
TR:  Huh?
RF:  What I’m trying to say is…Somebody is gonna get to eat cake tonight.
TR:  Huh?
RF:  Maven…WOOO!  BY GOD…uh…MAVEN!!  You and me.  Tonight!  WOOOO!!!
RO:  Naitch, I’m tired of carrying around this cake, can we go now?
RF:  Sure thing.

As they leave, Booker T comes in.

BT:  Man, Terri, have you seen the cops come by here?
TR:  No, they’re all standing around Shane McMahon.
BT:  Whew.  I’ve gotta get these burgers somewhere safe.  They’re hot, man.
TR:  Aren’t they supp…oh…oooooh…BOOKER!  I thought you were past that stage.
BT:  There’s just something about that damn Wendy girl.  Biatch doesn’t deserve my money.
TR:  Couldn’t you have just gone to KFC or something?
BT:  Why’d you have to get all racial on this, Terri?
RO:  You didn’t get any Frosties did you?
BT:  Not for your punk ass.
RO:  Wrestle you for one.
BT:  Hell yeah.  Let’s go.

(ads.  Look out, football players, it’s Hurricane!!  He might job to you!!)

Booker T v. Randy Orton
For a Frostie

Unfortunately, in his time off, Booker has forgotten how to have a singles match.  Orton does him one better by standing in one corner and waiting for Booker to fall over.  Orton tries for the pin during a mid-match Spinerooni, but he gets kicked in the face.  Eventually, Orton and Booker agree to share a Frostie.  That’s nice.  Way to resolve your conflict in a peaceful way guys!  Booker then remembers that Austin is trying to put a team together, and pleads to be on it so that he has something to do at the PPV.  Booker is the MASTER at planning ahead.

Michaels/Goldberg is up next?  Yeah right.

(ads)

Shawn Michaels v. Whoops…See I told You

Mark Henry and Theodore Long are backstage beating up Goldberg.  I guess they’re tired of being held down by “Da Man™ (Bobby Heenan).”  I wonder why nobody ever asked Goldberg to take the fall for three cents.  Hey, two cents is still two more cents than you had before.  As the beating reaches completion, Theodore says “Big Money, Big Money, Big Money and STOP!  No, whammies, buhleeDAT, playa.” 

(ads)

As Goldberg lay on the floor getting the WWE medical staffs famous “tickle test”, Shawn Michaels complains that Mark Henry is trying to steal his heat.  Austin doesn’t care however, as he’s contemplating punching Shawn for wearing such a stupid looking outfit.  Don’t do it!  You’ll get fired!!  Aw, hell.  Do it.  It’s worth it.

Chris Jericho and Scott Steiner v. Rob Van Dam and Lance Storm Squared

Steiner makes sure to bring the correct chainmail for this match.  Rob shows his disgust at the way the WWE is treating him by pointing at himself, but NOT saying his name.  That rebel.  Steiner hits a belly-to-belly suplex, and a picture of Vince McMahon smiling appears on the bottom corner of the screen with a 1 next to him while a cash register sound plays.  Hey, this is catchy.  I can’t wait until Angle and Lesner fight again.  When the counter hits 10, Steiner finally realizes that he owes Vince a small home, and leaves the ring.  Jericho sees this as the opportunity he needs to get himself on the show more and pins RVD while the Lances dance outside.  Jericho wins.  Take that, HHH!

Bischoff is backstage with Goldberg.  Bischoff accuses Goldberg of faking and Goldberg sits up.

GB:  Yeah.  I’d never sell for Mark Henry.  Honestly though, what were you thinking putting our match on so early in the show?
EB:  Oh, I was just messing with you.  I knew you were going to get attacked.
GB:  You WHAT?
EB:  Careful there.  Don’t go all Austinberg on me.  Say…what are you bringing to the party?
GB:  A nice tomato soup.  I don’t eat defenseless little animals.
EB:  So you probably won’t like my Kitty Stew?
GB:  Ew.  NO!
EB:  Good.  More for the rest of us then.

(ads)

Ric Flair was on the phone with Teddy Long.  Let’s listen in.

RF:  Can you hear me now?
TL:  Yeah.  What do you want, playa?
RF:  WOOOO!
TL:  Did you just call me to “Woooo”?
RF:  Yeah.
TL:  Can we get our money?  Teddy Long’s got bills to pay, playa.
RF:  Uh…no.  See, Goldberg won’t sell for Mark Henry.
TL:  Aw, hell.
RF:  Try again when Jazz heals up.

The Police are still backstage.  STING has made his RAW DEBUT!  What a huge angle!

Also backstage…is there anything happening in the ring on this show?  Chris Jericho tries his lines on Trish Stratus.

CJ:  Hey, baby.  Do you want to do the naked Walls of Jericho?
TS:  No.  That’d hurt.
CJ:  Oh.  Yeah.  You maybe.  Let’s go have sex.
TS:  I’ve got a match coming up.
CJ:  But after that?
TS:  Wait…aren’t you married?
CJ:  Yeah, but I’m also rich and famous.
TS:  Hmm…I like your style.  Stop wearing such crappy pants and we’ll talk.

Aww…what a cute couple.  Almost as cute as when Jeff Hardy used to drug her.

Randy Orton is…for God’s Sake…BACKSTAGE!  He’s trying to find his tights so he doesn’t feel so…clothed.  Suddenly, Jindrak and Cade break in and try to steal the nickles.  Maybe Cade thinks it’ll help his dad in NWA?

MJ:  Dude, this the best plan ever!  We’ll show these guys for not letting us on RAW last week.
GC:  Yeah!  We’ll steal all HHH’s nickels!  We’ll be able to afford decent entrance music!
MJ:  Let’s not go that far.  Ugh.  Uh…this is way too fricking heavy.  Well, we’re here, what else can we steal?
GC:  Wait, here’s another briefcase!  It’s light and makes squishy noises.
MJ:  Ew.  Oh well, take it anyway.  Let’s go!

Orton returns to find the cake missing.  OH NO!

(ads)

Randy Orton tries to tell Ric about the case of the missing cake, but Flair is too busy stretching out for his match to pay any attention.  Randy tries to hire some detectives, but it doesn’t go well.

MH:  Another case for the VeeeeeeOoooonAH!
JH:  Dude.  Have you seen my body paint?
MH:  Jeff, we’ve got a case to work here, man.  The Hardy Boyz and the Case of the Cake Culprit!
JH:  I think I ate the cake frosting.
MH:  That was your body paint.
JH:  Oh, that explains it.  Case solved.
MH:  Ugh.  Lita Librarian, do some research, who might have stolen the cake?
LT:  Uh…RVD?  I dunno.  Trish has put on a few pounds.
JH:  Imagi tells me that I’m the best that I can be.
MH:  This is hopeless.  Shannon Moore, back to Smackdown!
SM:  But I want to stay!  Rosey called me from this payphone, and we were going to practice.
MH:  Practice in the car.  Let’s go.

Trish Stratus and Lita Version 1 v. Molly Holly and Victoria (w/ Stevie Richards)

Lita Fact:  Lita Librarian has only one book.  “A R.O.A.D. Less Traveled”, available now!
Lita Fact: 
Lita loves guys in mesh shirts.

Oh boy!  It’s women’s match time.  It’s time to go crazy go nuts.  J.R. notes that Victoria is a former women’s champion.  Lawler loves Molly’s ass.  I guess it’s an aquired taste, eh, Jer?  So is everyone else in the division.  Stevie is obviously sick of having to sit ringside at all these fricking matches and so he attacks Trish.  Victoria wins!  Everybody starts beating up Lita, until a mesh shirt wearing Chris Tian comes down, chasing everyone off and getting Lita all worked up.  I get it.  The Canadian Chrises are out to get some ass.  Good for them.

(ads)

Ric Flair v. Maven

Maven tries some dropkicks to start, but Flair and pretty much everyone else alive has that move scouted.  Maven goes for a roll-up, but Flair uses his manboobs for leverage and gets to the top.  Flair wins!  I guess that showed Maven, huh? 

Flair goes backstage and Orton tells him that he lost the cake.  Flair accuses Orton of eating it, but Orton begs off.  Stunned by this prowess, Flair begs off too.   Meanwhile, The Police run by and after Flair and Sting have a chance to exchange pleasantries, we go to the….

(ads)

Kane is coming out escorted by The Police.  Kane says that he knew the show needed a little more him, so he just dropped by to see what was up.  Kane says that his feud with Shane is all about “Yo Momma”.  Yo Momma so fat, Shane, that when she accompanied your sister to the PPV last Sunday, everybody thought Big Show ate Albert and put on a wig.  I guess it’s no more jam and Shawn Michaels’ between these two.  It’s escalated to a war of words (Kane and Shane’s 101 Greatest 8th Grade Insults will be available later this year from Shopzone.com).

HHH has been watching the show during the rehearsal, and uses his glass of Chez Stinger (the Man’s Wine) to teleport himself in front of Cade and Jindrak and take the cake back.  Then he Pedigrees those stupid midcarders for being so stupid as to try to get over on him.

(ads)

HHH:  Guys.  You let my cake get stolen.
RF:  It was Orton.  He hates you.
HHH:  Is this true, Randy?
RO:  No!  NO!  I love you man.
HHH:  Yeah.  C’mere you.  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!
RF:  Wooo!  That was great.  And you got the cake!  Somebody should tell Jeff.
HHH:  Nah.  Let him go.  Screw the rest of rehearsal.  I’m hungry.  Who wants cake.
RF:  Wooo!  Give a little slice to the NATURE BOY!

Shawn Michaels v. Bill Goldberg
For the WWE World Title

Shawn comes down to the ring bearing a cross.  This is holy war here, folks.  There’s a Survivor Series match in this.  Goldberg/A-Train/Barry Horowitz/Paul Heyman v. Shawn Michaels/Chris Tian/Reverend D-Von/Brother Love.  That’s money right there.  Forget about the 10 man tag.  Shawn gets out of the way of a SPEAR and Hebner takes it.  Well, that’s it for this match.  Sure enough, no sooner can you say “Hey, Shawn Michaels, a run in is occurring,” than we see the returning “Dave” Batista “Davidson”, who is a tall guy afire.  Spinebuster to Michaels!!  Spinebuster to Goldberg!  Powerbomb to Goldberg!!  The rest of Evolution is out to congratulate Batista and award him with not only the rest of the cake, but a SHINY NEW NICKLE!  What can stop Batista now?!

Next Week:  Hot Dave Davidson action takes RAW by storm again.  HHH goes back on vacation, and Chris Jericho is there to eat up segments again.  Kane will make his match with Shane at Survivor Series a “Sudden Death Match”, in which the first to kill his Zombie opponent 5 times wins.

At the party.

HHH:  This party sucks.  There’s no cake.
DBD:  We ate it, Hunter.
HHH:  Oh…Right.
KN:  Why isn’t anyone eating my Marshmallows?
SA:  You cooked them outside in the dumpster.
KN:  Isn’t that where you guys light your fires?
RF:  Woooo!  Who wants to see the Nature Boy table Dance?  WOOOOO!
LSs:  Oh, man!  Right in our jello.  We spent 15 minutes making that.
BT:  This party is dead, sucka.  Nobody’s eating my burgers.
EB:  Maybe because you put them next to Jericho’s stinking Moose Burgers.
CJ:  At least they’re real Moose, catfood boy.
EB:  It said “Cat Food”, I thought that meant it was made out of cats.
RVD:  Man, aren’t you guys gonna eat any of this?  I’m so HUNGRY!
TD:  This party is lame.  Even ECW catering was better than this.

Sorry guys, maybe next year?

E-MAIL MATT    
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
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RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
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RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
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RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
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RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
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RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
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RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
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RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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