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RAW SATIRE    
Ass O'Plenty!   

December 3, 2003

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week:  Raw Roulette in Salt Lake City, because when I think of gambling, the first thing I think of is “Utah”.  Lita got her hands on Chris Tian, Victoria’s Thong, and a Coal Miner’s Glove!  The build began for the greatest PPV main event of all time:  Triple H v. Kane v. Goldberg v. TOMMY F’N DREAMER.

(Opening Credits)

Eric Bischoff from backstage welcomes us to RAW and notes that, while this week they do not have a fun wheel to spin, they do have a rubber ducky to squeak.  *Squeak Squeak*!  What’s that rubber ducky?  A Michaels/RVD v. Kane/Orton/Davidson match?  I dunno….  Bischoff apparently doesno, and he books the match on the spot.

Goldberg is out, and he says that he’s not going to wait until Armageddon, he wants to whine and complain right now.  Besides, he’s got a Bar Mitzvah to attend in 13 days and he doesn’t know if he’ll make it to the PPV.  Eric Bischoff is not impressed.

EB:  You’d better be at the PPV or else you’ll make rubber ducky sad.
RD:  Squeak Squeak!
GB:  Well, if it means that much to one of my animal friends….
EB:  It does.  Man, it’s a good thing I run this show now.  Me talking about running the show is in no way leading to the eventual announcement of someone else running the show.

Hey!  It’s Mick Foley!  What a complete shock.  He’s carrying around some papers so this MUST be an important interview.  Or maybe they’re just afraid he’ll forget his lines.

MF:  Uh…let me see here…Dear Mr. Foley, we’d appreciate it if you came down and read this…da..dadadada…Uh…Oh here it is.  Eric Bischoff, I’m going to be on a Detective Show starring Mick Foley as the lovable detective, Jeff Hardy as his wacky stoned out sidekick, and Lita Librarian to class the joint up a bit!!
EB:  Mick, what does that have to do with me here tonight?  You know, with you taking over for Austin and what not?
MF:  Speaking of Austin, I’m going to be signing paperbacks of “Tietam Brown” in Austin next week.
EB:  Mick, give me those papers and I’ll just point to the lines we want you to read.
MF:  No, no, I’ve got it (leafing through the pages)…uh…Ah!  Here we go.  Goldberg gets to be in the main event tonight.  Shut up, Eric.  No, no.  Wait…yes.  I’m rehiring Austin.  A Moons Over My Hammy?  That’s ridiculous.  The only thing wrong with this show is you.  All right.  That’s it for me!  Good night everybody!

Foley wanders off while Bischoff chases after him trying to get him to announce that he’s taking over as the co-general manager.  Much to the dismay of Lillian Garcia, J.R. sends around a petition to get Austin rehired as the ring announcer.

(ads)

Jonathan Coachman is backstage with an irate Eric Bischoff, who is deeply concerned with the lack of wrestling on this show.  Coach tries to convince him that the viewership doesn’t actually like the “Wrestling” part of WWE.  Bischoff calls Linda McMahon to complain, but she says that any good former attempted rapist should know that the WWE’s market research says that audiences like 15 minute promos and bra and panties matches and hate Chris Benoit and Sean O’Haire.  Then she hangs up the phone.  Bischoff can’t disagree, EVERYBODY loves Bra and Panties matches.

Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak v. The Dudley Boyz
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

The simple fact that there is more screen time given to Cade’s ass than to dropkicks is simply wrong.  The finish comes as Cade is distracted by Bubba’s pasty white thighs, and allows himself to get pantsed and rolled up by D-Von.  Cade is pissed off that the Dudleyz DARE treat the Chosen One like that, however the entire crowd had already gone to concessions when they saw Cade’s ass, so his whining gets no response.

Al Snow and Coach are backstage wondering if it’s Heat yet when Mick Foley wanders by.

MF:  Did you know that I’m supposed to be the new Co-GM of RAW?
JC:  Yes, Mick, Eric Bischoff told us.
MF:  That’s so weird.  Maybe I should start complaining about how many titles there are, or how nobody cares about X-Pac.  That’s still edgy…right?
AS:  Mick, making fun of X-Pac hasn’t been edgy for years.
XP:  And it really does a number on my feeling of self worth.
MF:  Look it’s Al Snow and X-Pac!  I didn’t know I was at Suckapalooza.
JC:  You mean this is Suckapalooza?  I got in free…Damn I shouldn’t have paid $50 admission.
BT:  Did somebody say, “Sucka”?  That’s my gimmick, dogs.  Who be stealin’ my gimmick?
MF:  Man, now I remember why I left.  I’m going to wander off thisaway.
AS:  Uh…Mick.
MF:  Yeah, Al?
AS:  Don’t you want to book a match while you’re here?
MF:  Like between X-Pac and Booker T?
AS:  I was thinking something more along the lines of another Classic Announcer Duel!
MF:  You know, now that you mention it, nothing would be more crazy go nuts than a classic announcer duel!  Coach, if you lose to Lawler tonight you’re fired.
JC:  Well…what if I beat him?
MF:  I don’t know.  Maybe I’ll send you a fruit basket or something.
JC:  That sounds nice.  I’m in.

(ads)

Booker T v. Test (w/ My Darling Stacy)

Booker comes out with legs aflurry, but Test is able to no-sell it with aplomb.  Stacy finally gets sick of just coming out and pouting about not being with me every week, so she jumps in the ring and powerbombs Test.  Booker takes advantage of the situation and gets the win.  Post match, I share the wealth, and my Darling Stacy shows everyone in the crowd that she wears undergarments.  Mark Henry is confused by this concept and arrives to chase off any who dare to constrain themselves from the feeling of a fresh spring breeze on your groinal region.  Theodore Long doesn’t want to be playa hatin’, but he decides that maybe Mark shouldn’t be sharing this with the audience.

Lita and Trish are standing around backstage, no doubt discussing their loves.

LT:  So Trish, how about it?  Have you and Jericho…you know?
TS:  Knitted sweaters together?
LT:  No…YOU know….
TS:  Gone on a long moonlit walk?
LT:  Come on!  A little humpity there, a little bumpity there.  You know what I’m talking about.  Yeah.
TS:  OMG!  No!  Chris and I are saving ourselves for marriage!
LT:  But Jericho is already married….
TS:  Well…technically….
LT:  And didn’t you already do the sleepy time safety dance with Vince?
TS:  God, you still remember that angle?
LT:  Woof, woof.  I love doggies.
TS:  Maybe you’re right.  Maybe we should just get it over with tonight.  I bought this special bra for the occasion, and besides I made Chris this to show my devotion….
LT:  A macaroni sun on a piece of blue construction paper….
TS:  With glitter on it.  He lights up my life.  Just like the sun.
LT:  I’ve got to get out of this angle.  You’re totally ruining my street cred.

(ads)

J.R. has a spastic attack in trying to get people to log on to WWE.com to sign the petition to rehire Steve Austin as the ring announcer.  Hmm…I don’t know.  If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from HHH it’s that anyone who signs this kind of petition is a pimply 13 year old.  Let’s read down the list of who’s signed it thus far.

Your Mom (she did!  I should probably sign it then)
IfYouSmellala87
StonColdRulz!

JuggaloPimp
Hoes4Jesus
Scott Keith

I have it on good authority that Juggalo Pimp is actually Jim Ross.

Terri is standing by with Dave “Batista” Davidson.  Oh God….

TR:  Hi, Dave.
DBD:  AH!
TR:  What do you think about Shawn Michaels?
DBD:  I think he’s short like YOU!
TR:  So?
DBD:  I’m tall!  I get PUSHED!
TR:  You can’t really expect to win, can you?
DBD:  I am CONFUSED!
TR:  Well.  Thank you for the interview.
DBD:  It was your PLEASURE!  HAHAHAHA Dave made a FUNNY!

Booker T needs medical attention after hearing about Mark Henry’s crotch.

Test is back out with My Darling Stacy, but this time they’ve got Scott Steiner tagging along.  Test says that he’s embarassed for the WWE that we’ve gone a good 20 minutes without seeing another man’s ass on the screen, so both he and Steiner remove their pants.  They ask Stacy if she’d like to try bouncing quarters off of them, but Mick Foley interrupts and fires both Test and Steiner for trying to get Stacy to waste her money.  Test and Steiner both ramble on and on about how they will be the next tag team champions even though they aren’t in a feud for the titles.  Foley (and everyone else) ignores them and pulls up Stacy’s skirt again.  This is God’s work that Mick and I are doing here, people.

(ads)

Test is yelling at Eric Bischoff about having gotten fired.  Bischoff starts to say that he’ll fix the situation, and then realizes that it’s only Test and so he kicks Test out of the room.

???:  Good…Now I want you to fire Triple H.
EB:  God, is that you?
???:  Uh…Yes.  And fire Goldberg too.  That’ll learn him for killing my son.
EB:  Whatever you sa…HEY!
KN:  What?
EB:  Quit standing just off camera and pretending you’re God.
KN:  What a spoilsport.

Lance Storm and Val Venis v. La Resistance

Mick Foley, on commentary, says that he thinks Conway and Dupree are sexy and that he’d like to see them pushed, if you know what I mean.  The crowd chants “USA”, so I guess they really ARE behind Conway like Mick suggests.  Wow.  What a genius.  Lance and Val hit their new finisher (The Penis Attack) and get the win.  Mick tries to get Conway and Dupree to recite the Big Mac commercial song, but when neither of them know it, he declares them UnAmerican, and tells them to cut their hair and get new tights.  And then he fires them.

Trish tells Jericho that she’s never felt this way about a guy before.  Jericho returns the compliment and says that it’s nice to finally be able to touch a Barbie with real live nipples.

Chris Jericho and Trish Stratus v. Rico and Miss Jackie

Jackie’s pants are cut out in such a way as to see her ass, but it’s not nearly as exciting as one might have hoped.  Trish’s outfit is constructed in such a way that you can tell that not only does she have real live nipples, but another part that Barbie doesn’t have.  And no, I’m not talking about a third arm.  That’d be kind of neat, though.  Trish sees Jackie and immediately gets the chills and runs out of the ring.  Jericho and Rico share a few minutes speaking to each other about hair care tips and sideburn management.  Oddly enough I’m taking “Barbery 337:  Hair Care Tips and Sideburn Management” as an elective next semester.  I wonder if Rico can come in and do a lecture.  Jackie distracts herself with trying to find a way to show off more ass, and Trish uses this opportunity to roll back in and win the match.  Jericho is sad that he never got to hear points 4 and 5 in Rico’s sermon on proper usage of gels and mousses.

Bischoff is trying to convince Kane to stop lighting the pizza guys on fire.  Kane notes that if they run away screaming before delivering the pizza, and don’t come back within 30 minutes, all these pizzas are free.  Bischoff marvels at Kane’s ingenuity.

(ads)

Matt Hardy Version 1 v. Chris Tian (w/ Lita)

The crowd immediately chants “Boring”, not only because both guys are heels, but because the match starts off with 24 minutes of Christian reading a cookbook aloud to the audience while Matt dances a little jig in the other corner.  Things pick up after that, however, and by “pick up”, of course, I mean “end” when Matt jigs over to Chris and hits him with the cook book.  A winner is Matt!  Not, me.  Matt Hardy.  Though I’m a winner too.  Molly Holly runs out to bring the MH quotient to 3, and rams Lita’s head into the stairs.  Lita begins sobbing, and Chris Tian can’t help but be amused.

(ads)

Jonathan Coachman v. Jerry “The King” Lawler

Lawler uses the Old Memphis trick of hitting Coach in the face, and picks  up the win.  Coach starts crying, because if there’s one thing we need more of tonight, it’s not Kane, but crying.  Lawler and the crowd sing “Nananana, nananana, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye”, but J.R. has his own special version:

Na.  Nana.  Uh…
Love in an Elevator.
Livin’ It up
While I’m goin’ down
Uh…Hey…
Goodbye.
STONE COLD
STONE COLD
BY GAWD!

Booker T comes out and sings “Na.  Nananana, nananana nananana Word Up”.

Coach finally leaves and the singing concludes.

(ads)

A shot of a member of the crowd signing the petition.  Tommy Dreamer is helping pass it out.  One woman asks, “This is where we sign to get refunds, right?”  Dreamer nods, and then canes her when she looks away.

Jericho and Christian are backstage scheming.

CT:  Well, I said it.  Five cents says that you can’t lay Trish, get it on video, and distribute it across the Internet.
CJ:  Come on, I already made her the queen of the WWE prom.  This wasn’t even part of the bet.
CT:  What are you chicken?
CJ:  I consider myself to be more of a club sandwich.  What about you and Lita?
CT:  Are you kidding?  We’re halfway through a series of DVDs.  I heard Val was interested in being our publisher.
CJ:  I don’t know, Chris…Trish is different.  You know?
CT:  Are you saying the bet is off?  Come on, Jericho, think of what you could do with this nickel.  Why you could buy the Hart Family Mansion, and turn the Dungeon into a rumpus room, or a tribute museum to the genius of Vince McMahon, Shawn Michaels and Goldberg.
CJ:  Well…I guess.  All right, I’m in.

Outside, Trish cries, rips up her macaroni sun, puts her frumpy glasses and sweatsuit back on and runs off to join a nunnery.  Somewhere, Rachel Lee Cook is crying, eating ice cream and saying “I feel you sister.”  More crying!  Huzzah!

(ads)

Shawn Michaels/Goldberg/Rob Van Dam v. Randy Orton/”Dave” Batista “Davidson” /Kane (w/ Ric Flair)

RVD starts things off, but in his ongoing quest to show the WWE what’s what, he decides not to wrestle until after yet another commercial break.

(ads)

That’s right.  Bow to the will of RVD.  The announcers wonder where HHH is, and X-Pac runs out to tell them that he spilled his YJ Stinger and so instead of running in tonight, he’s going to pout instead.  Will he cry though?  That’s the real question.  Michaels and Batista get some work in, but when Michaels realizes that he’s no match for the tallosity of Batista, he tags out to Goldberg.  Goldberg who is still courageously not recovering from a shattered ankle (right?) quickly finds himself face to face with Kane.  They exchange longing glances for a moment, and then Goldberg tells Kane that he should grow a goatee and they can try to merge and become Gone.  Kane doesn’t get it so he leaves, with Goldberg chasing after him.  Orton, seeing his opportunity, asks RVD if he would pretty please fall over with pretty Randy Orton on top.  RVD isn’t buying it, not even after Flair assures him that if he doesn’t fall over this instant it means a sure ride for his old lady on Space Mountain.  Foley runs out to try to settle things, but accidentally runs into Orton, causing Orton to fall over.  His own move used against him!  RVD goes for the pin, and Mick is more than happy to make the count. 

After the match, Eric Bischoff runs out and says that he heard that Mick was planning on firing the entire heel side of the roster.

EB:  Is that true?
MF:  Nah, nobody’s getting fired.  April Fools!
EB:  Mick, it’s December.
MF:  Uh…You just got Punk’D?
Viacom Rep:  Yeah…We’d prefer to keep MTV references off WWE programming and vice versa from now on.  Okay?
EB:  Quit pretending to abuse your power, Foley!  We almost didn’t have any tag teams there.
MF:  We don’t have any GOOD tag teams now.
EB:  Oh…right.  What the hell was I thinking anyway?  I WAS worried that Steiner, Test, Coach and La Resistance were going to that OTHER show though.
MF:  What…TNA?  Hey, that’d be kind of neat.  Test could go over A.J. Styles and Steiner could join 3 Live Crew.  And La Resistance could become “Pink Shirt Security” and feud with Coach over who stole the cookie from the cookie jar.
RC:  Who me?
JC:  Yes, you.
RC:  Couldn’t be.
JC:  Then who?
RC:  Mark Henry stole the cookie from the cookie jar.
MH:  It’s true!  All of it!  And then I ate the cookie…waah ah aaaaah (CRYING~!).  It was…sniff…delicious.
EB:  Uh…I meant Smackdown.
MF:  Would Paul Heyman really be stupid enough to take in that bunch of rejects?
EB:  He hired Nathan Jones, Matt Morgan and The Bashams didn’t he?
MF:  Whoops, yep.  Ah well.  Have a nice day, Eric.
EB:  You too, Mick.

The closing shot is of a dumbfounded Foley who doesn’t quite know how to respond to a response to his classic response.

Next Week:  Foley Responds!  To punish Stacy for getting them not fired, Test and Steiner make her churn butter and it’s HOT BABY!  Trish confronts Jericho, breaks it off with him, and forces him to make a fool of himself in public to win Molly Ringwald’s affections.

Until next week, don’t eat poisoned food!

E-MAIL MATT    
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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