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PPV Satire: Armoire Gettin'?   

December 15, 2003

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: HHH didn't show up, helping build tonight's big match against Goldberg and Kane. Randy Orton was totally awesome, doing…uh…whatever it is he does again. Chris Jericho wasn't quite sure that he wanted to put the Walls of Jericho on Trish…While they were clothed I mean. So what will happen…TONIGHT?

It's time for WWE Armoire Gettin' where the winner of each match gets a brand new Armoire! That's neat. Where's my match? Speaking of matches, did you know Rico beat John Hnnrnnr on Heat? What the hell, huh?

Booker T v. Mark Henry (w/ Theodore Long)

For those of you newer fans, WCW used to start off their PPVs with fast paced cruiserweight matches in order to get the crowd excited for the rest of the card. This represents the…uh…opposite of that philosophy. Hey, you won't be disappointed for the rest of the card though, because you can always turn to your favorite house plant "Planty" and say, "At least Mark Henry isn't still wrestling." At that point, Planty will fall over. ORTON WINS!! Just kidding. Booker T wins. Theodore Long is buggin'. Mark Henry just wants a hug. Awww…. Booker isn't real sure what an armoire is, but he's sure it'll look great next to his lifesize statue of Stevie Ray.

Actually that IS Stevie Ray. Poor Stevie. Yaks are keepin' him down.

Eric Bischoff isn't sure what that last segment was all about. Chris Jericho and Chris Tian break up his train of thought, and thank him for letting them grope the womens tonight. Jericho is a little less enthusiastic. He thought it'd be a nice idea to grope Trish at first, but then he heard that it was all you can eat night at Sizzler, and he really wanted to go. Bischoff sighs and turns on Survivor.

Mick Foley is out to ramble on about how he likes watching WWE PPVs. Now's not the time to shill for that, Mick. My Darling Stacy comes out in her cheerleader outfit to shut him up. Next up on the people coming out list: Randy Orton. He's out to gloat about his big win over your houseplant, but Foley refuses to give him an armoire. He'll have to earn it in a match…NOW! Geez, when are the ads, I want to go get a drink. What do you mean this is a PPV? Where's the announcer match?

Randy Orton v. Rob Van Dam
For the WWE Intercontinental Title with Guest Referee Mick Foley

Rob, in order to show his increasing dissatisfaction with the WWE management, falls over upon entering the ring. Mick tells Orton to make something up for a minute to waste some time before picking up the win. Orton dances a jig, and Flair runs out to join the dance line. Foley gives up and declares Randy the winner. Randy can't wait to take his new armoire and fight the dragon. Oh, and he's happy that he's the new champion. A little too happy. Van Dam can't believe the indignity of the management not allowing him to get a move in.

A video recaps the epic Badger/Mushroom feud.

Chrises Jericho and Tian v. Trish Stratus and Lita
Like, Totally a Battle of the Sexes…or Like, Whatever

Jericho is having some trouble attacking Trish, because he's in LUV! OMG! I guess he didn't get her text messages. Christian, however, has no problem, because he realizes that he's probably not ever getting laid anyway. Lita comes in and takes the advantage, but that doesn't last long as everyone quickly realizes that Lita can't throw a punch, so letting her be in charge was a pretty crappy idea. Christian knocks over Trish, and Jericho comes to her rescue, realizing that Trish probably could use an armoire. Christian, though, has a diabolical scheme which includes rolling Trish up and getting the furniture all for himself! Jericho is sad. He didn't get to feel up anybody AND he didn't get any steak. He settles for coping a feel of Lillian as they leave, but it's just not the same.

Shawn Michaels v. "Dave" Batista "Davidson"

Shawn goes through about 20 shades of "disappointed" when he remembers that Dave is his opponent. Dave goes through about 20 shades of "oily". Flair comes out to tell Michaels that he's overweight and that he (Flair) took Whyspyr a few miles over to Space Mountain roughly 24 hours ago (woo!). Michaels fills with righteous fury that Flair would covet his wife, and Superkicks damn near everything he can Superkick. One of those things was Dave Davidson, so Shawn wins! Batista wakes up a few seconds later and is mighty pissed. Now Randy will be able to take all the dragon hunting glory for his own. He was really hoping for an Armoire +2 v. Superkicks and Dragons. I think they sell those over at Pier One.

Maven v. Matt Hardy Version One

This is a continuation of their feud from the International version of Heat that you didn't see. Unless you're in Europe. Then you saw Version de la Heat Internationale or some crazy crap like that. Batista is STILL out there and he's not leaving until he gets his damned armoire. Maven tries to settle him down, but gets dropped on his head for his troubles. Matt Hardy runs over and gets the pin and then runs off. MATT HARDY HAS DEFEATED THE ROCK!! Errr..wait. Somewhere, Zach Gowan is saying "That used to be ME there, man." Probably to his houseplant. Planty. You guys are so unoriginal.

Batista is now storming around backstage throwing things and crying and trying to tell people that he's a big boy and he shouldn't lose all the time. Flair tries to calm him down.

RF: Woooo! You think you're big. To be the big boy, you've got to BEAT the big boy! WOOO!
DBD: Like those little STATUES?!
RF: No…what I mean is….
DBD: Big Boss MAN?
RF: Dave, you're WOOO missin' the point here. To….
DBD: Big Show? Big John Studd? Notorious B.I.G.? Two of those guys are DEAD!
RF: Um…Why don't we just go in this room without a camera so I can hit you in the face with this baseball bat?

They go into the room.

Rosey/Hurricane v. Storm/Venis v. La Resistance v. Test/Steiner v. Cade/Jindrak v. The Dudley Boyz v. ???/???
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

I'm totally having Wrestlemania Challenge flashbacks here. When are they going to fight L.O.D. in a STEEL cage? Who did what? He did? Well, can they get Droz? Ooooh…How about Sunny? They can just say she's Rikishi's brother or something. Oh forget it. The Ducks were robbed not making it into this match. As it is, the Dudleyz beat everybody all the way up to the mystery team narrowly avoiding a pop dance number, a giant penis, two guys who actually know what armoire means, a really slow kick, and a drop kick to get to the finals. And the Mystery team is….

High Voltage v. The Dudley Boyz
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

It's Kenny Kaos and Robbie RAGE BY GAWD!!! Uh…wait….

Ric Flair and "Dave" Batista "Davidson" v. The Dudley Boyz
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Eric Bischoff really likes this idea as it stops the item throwing and baseball bat assults that are already too common in the wrestling world. Flair, realizing this is probably his last chance to win a friggin' title (and an armoire to boot!) lowblows everyone and struts around the ring. Dave comes in and hits D-Von with his finisher and D-Von mutters, "My Deacon, My Deacon, why have you forsaken me?" Batista would be touched that D-Von remembered except for the fact that he thought D-Von said "My Bacon! My Bacon! Why didn't I bring any with me?" Mmm…Bacon. Batista and Flair win!

Ivory v. Molly Holly
For the WWE Women's Title

I'm pretty sure the WWE booked this match just so Rick would have justification to give this show a thumbs in the middle. Molly shows tremendous cleavage when she cuts up Lawler's orange for him. Who gave Lawler a knife? Or an orange for that matter. That makes me hungry. Not for fruit though…steak would be good. Is Sizzler still open? Maybe I can catch a late run with Jericho. Molly wins. After the match Flair runs out with an Evolution shirt and tells Molly to put it on. Molly takes the shirt but looks conflicted. Tune in tomorrow to find out if Molly joins Evolution. Or don't. See if I care. Sniffle.

Kane v. Triple H v. TOMMY F'N DREAMER v. Bill Goldberg
For the WWE World Title

Kane tries to wish Goldberg a Merry Christmas, and Goldberg gets all offended and SPEARS Kane. Geez, way to get into the Holiday Spirit, Scrooge McGoldberg. HHH comes to the defense of Santa lovers everywhere when he throws the Spanish Announce Table at Goldberg. Tommy Dreamer tries to get involved, but Kane just throws him into the crowd. Poor Tommy. Kane and HHH spend a couple minutes sharing Yuletide cheer and singing "Joy to the World." Goldberg gets involved again, but it's all for naught, as Kane hits him with a jug of eggnog and knocks him out. Then Evolution runs down to the ring and shows Kane all their shiny belts, and in a jealous fury Kane starts yelling at the referee to let him have a belt so that he can be like all of the cool kids. Then, Tommy Dreamer sneaks back into the ring and gets the pin on Goldberg. TOMMY DREAMER IS THE NEW WORLD CHAMPION! But before Justin Credible can make the inevitable challenge, HHH Pedigrees him and picks up the win and the title. And an armoire. The Evolution has a matching bedroom set! Though I'm pretty sure they don't know it yet. Kane is mad that he missed two World Title changes in the two minutes he was lusting after taking off Evolution's belts. Errr…Good night, folks!

Tomorrow Night: HHH plays Santa to Evolution: a pony to Dave, a yearlong pass to Disney World to Naitch, and a PEDIGREE TO ORTON. Kane demonstrates how pissed off he is by lighting Lillian on fire. Steve Austin may or may not be there depending on how many signatures they have. Can they hit 20 by the time the week is out?




EB: Guys, I know you love your new belts, and your new armoires….
HHH: Hell yeah! I can't wait to go slay the dragon!
EB: Isn't that Shawn Michaels who does that?
HHH: I have no clue what the hell Al Snow was talking about.
RF: What do you want, fat boy? Wooo!
EB: Uh…I was just wondering if you wanted to trade your belts or armoires for what's behind Door #3?
HHH: Is it HHH's Door #3?
EB: No.
RO: I wanna do it! Let's take the door! Let's take the door!
RF: Wooo! Space Mountain Fat Boy! WOOOOO!!
HHH: All right, we'll trade all our armoire for whatever's behind the door.
EB: And your prize is….
HHH: ….
RO: ….
DBD: ….
RF: ….
EB: Well?
HHH: It's uh….
RO: A…um…
RF: wooo?
DBD: It's a box full of Nathan Jones BOBBLE HEADS! YAY!!!
EB: Didgeridoo us a favor and take them off our hands. Seriously these things were taking up a bunch of space in the warehouse. Suckers. 
HHH: Dammit, Orton.



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