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RAW SATIRE    
Austin's a Sheriff
(But He Sure is Not a Deputy) 

December 30, 2003

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week:  What, did YOU watch?  I didn’t.  Clip shows give me the hiccups.  Also, I’m pretty sure I remembered what happened on RAW this year.  Uh…let’s see…HHH won…uh…There was that whole thing with Austin…The other thing with…what’s his face.  Yeah.  That guy.  You know who I’m talking about…

(Opening Credits)

So…They did that Foley intro…then they took it down right away.  Huh.  Speaking of Old Saint Mick, here’s his music.  Woah!  I hate to say this, but Foley is lookin’ good!  He got the ear back, lost a ton of weight, picked up some tattoos, hair cut.  Hell, he can even wear tights now.  AND he’s the Intercontinental Champion!  No wonder he took off two weeks ago, he wanted to get into tip top shape for this week.  I guess his Christmas Cookies must have been made of Stacker Two and he drank only eggnog YJStinger.  Oh.  Is that supposed to be Randy Orton?  He’s really let himself go.  Orton threatens Lilian with a Christmas Cookie straight to the hips if she doesn’t announce that he won last week.  She does.  Then he tells her to call him Pretty Randy Orton, The Bestest Wrestler Guy Ever There Was.  She does.  Somebody’s cooking up a holiday special!  Booker T makes his way out and wonders where the Kwanza at.  What this show needs right now is Albert and Paul Heyman singing the Dreidel song.  Seriously.  If only Goldberg weren’t deactivated.  Randy says that he’s got Booker’s Kwanza right here, and the two agree to have a match later tonight.  Mark Henry runs out and beats up on Booker.  Theodore Long stays “Don’t let the Man know about Kwanza or he’ll start marketing it.  Buhlee Dat.”

Henry and Long walk backstage where they are met by Eric Bischoff.  Bischoff says that it is not in the best interest of this holiday season to fight one’s brother.  Especially if they are not feuding anymore.  Henry is filled with the Kwanza spirit, and runs away crying.  Long wants a favor, but Bischoff isn’t biting, it’s better to be the giver than the demander, Teddy.  It’s a Christmas lesson that you must learn by next week if you want your present.

(ads)

Rob Van Dam v. Scott Steiner

In order to better stick it to the evil WWE Management, Rob comes out drunk on way too much eggnog.  Steiner tries to get his thrilling suplex offense going, but the drunk Van Dam just staggers off into the crowd.  Steiner, momentarily confused by this stunning display of psychology by Van Dam decides to take his mind off the rigors of the match and does some relaxing pushups.  At eight, however, his muscles explode and Van Dam staggers back into the ring, slips of the remains of Steiner’s career and pins him.  A winner is Rob!  Rob is so thrilled at this victory that he almost doesn’t go home and cry himself to sleep with a bottle of peppermint schnapps.

Oh, I’m just funnin’ you, folks.  Rob Van Dam won after Scott Steiner forgot to low blow him.

This classic HBK moment is the time where he almost carried Sid to a nearly watchable few moves.  It’s a Christmas Miracle!  In January.

(ads)

Chris Tian is whining to Chris Jericho….

CT:  Is a girl really better than your old pal, Chris Tian?
CJ:  Would YOU have sex with me?
CT:  I’ve been waiting for you to ask me that for three years!
CJ:  Uh…let me rephrase that…Where are YOUR boobies?
CT:  All right.  Fine.  Have it your way.  I guess SOMEBODY isn’t getting a present this year.
CJ:  What did you get me?
CT:  Fruit Cake.
CJ:  Thank God I sent you away then.
CT:  The Magical Fruit Cake of Defeating HHH!
CJ:   Doh!

Here’s a shot of Titan Towers in Lovely Stamford, Connecticut.  Not Pictured:   Ugly Stamford, Connecticut.  Jonathan Coachman is standing by, talking about how the Board of Directors is meeting to determine what is to be done about Stone Cold Steve Austin.  I think the answer is obvious.  Put him out to stud.  It’s either that or the glue factory.  Wait…what’s going on here?  Maybe Vince can clear things up.

VM:  I just flew in on Sable and boy are my arms tired.
JC:  Right…Hey, Vince.  What exactly is going on in here tonight?
VM:  Why, it’s the office Christmas Party.  I’m planning on hitting on Torrie until I’m too drunk, and then I’ll start hitting on Nidia.  Then I’ll know it’s time to pass out face first into my personal toilet.
JC:  What about the Steve Austin meeting?
VM:  Oh…that’s tonight too?  Dammit.  Well, Coach, as you may or may not know (depending on how closely you follow our shows), about 14 ½ people want us to hire back Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I figure, why the hell not. 
JC:  So you’re not going to oppose him?
VM:  That’s the beauty, Coach.  See, I know that the Board will do whatever I tell them not to do, so by telling them to do what I know they want to do, I force them to do the opposite.
JC:  Oooo…but what if they know that you know that they’ll do what you don’t want them to do.
VM:  Then I’ll fire them all and replace them with Nathan Jones Bobble Heads.
JC:  Oooo….

Smackdown went to Iraq, yes, but the RAW crew went somewhere too…Let’s take a special look at the WWE…At the Alamo….

Tour Guide:  Remember, if you get shot at, put these Davey Crockett hats on.
HHH:  Wow, you guys!  This is, like, totally an active Warzone!
RO:  Yeah, a RAW IS WAR ZONE!
HHH:  We haven’t used that name in years.  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!
RF:  WOOO!  This is the best Warzone ever!  I’m going to take one of these enemy women hostage and make them ride Space Mountain All NIGHT LONG!  WOOO!
DBD:  I have a MUSKET!!
Tour Guide:  Uh…guys…I…uh…This is just a tourist attraction.  Please don’t fire at the staff.
LS:  Speaking of Staffs, have you guys seen my PENIS!  Oh, man, my wrestling career is a joke.
HHH:  The Canadians are invading the Alamo!  Everyone put on their bullet proof vests!
Tour Guide:  Bullet proof…what?  Seriously, Mr. Davidson, please put the musket down.
HHH:  You dropped us off in a warzone and you didn’t bring any bullet proof vests?  What is the matter with you?
SM:  Yeah,  seriously.  Hurry up and go get some.  Get one with little mirrors on it.
Tour Guide:  Mr. Michaels, you’re from San Antonio.  Surely you remember that the Alamo hasn’t been an active battle ground for centuries.
HHH:  You mean does he…snicker…Remember the Alamo?
SM:  AHAHAHAHAH
HHH:  AHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA
SH:  AHAHAHAHAHAHA
KN:  AHAHAHAHAHAHA
SH:  Hey, Kev.  I hear they’ve got some muskets down there.
KN:  Down where?
SH:  Uh…at the gift shop?
HHH:  Crap!  Dave!  The Canadians are invading our boarders!  Shoot him!
DBD:  Got HIM!
LS:  NO!  You’ve wounded Val Venis!
VV:  Don’t worry about me, Lance.  I was never going to get pushed anyway.

TS:  I’m ready to perform on America’s troops.  I mean for….
HHH:  The Canadians have got breasts!  Run!!
Tour Guide:  This is still better than the time Ozzy came.

(ads)

The Dudley Boyz provide a counter point to Mick Foley leaving last night.

BRD:  I dunno.  Maybe he got amnesia again.  That happens sometimes.
DD:  You know what, I bet it was the work of that damn Tommy Dreamer!!
BBD:  Damn that Dreamer! 
DD:  You know what I hate more than Tommy Dreamers?
BBD:  What?
DD:  Lava Lamps.
BBD:  Geez, I said I was sorry!  I even gave you the receipt.  How was I supposed to know you were allergic?  I mean, who is allergic to lava lamps?
DD:  I’ll have you know it’s a common condition in our family.  Why, Little Snot…That’s not important.  I TOLD you, I wanted the Lion King DVD, man.
BBD:  Sorry.  Sorry, ok.  Let’s just go beat somebody up.
DD:  TESTIFY!

Scoop Slam McGee and Two Punch Knockout Larry v. The Dudley Boyz
Special Guest Referee Ric Flair

Wow!  Scoop Slam and Two Punch are HUGE Indy Starz~!  NWA-TNA must be fuming that the WWE got to these two and their patented fighting styles before they did.  To be honest, Two Punch Knockout’s name is a little deceiving.  Firstly, because his name isn’t Larry, it’s Manuel.  Secondly, because he gets knocked out after two punches, he’s never knocked anybody out himself.  Well, unless you count himself.  Scoop Slam makes the mistake of tagging out to Two Punch, who gets knocked out after two punches from Bubba.  That’s his move!  Kinda.  Flair starts flailing around and calls for the bell.  The Dudleyz are disqualified after violation of WWE Rule 87A Paragraph 3 which states “Thou Shalt Not Impersonate Dusty Rhodes While Also Failing to Clubber, in fact…Why Don’t We Just Not Impersonate Dusty, Ok, Guys?”  Wow!  I guess that’s like a Dusty Finish! 

Here’s a Classic Shawn Michaels Moment!  Here’s him doing a line of coke off of X-Pac’s back with Nash and Hall.  Those were the days, eh, guys?

(ads)

Bischoff is backstage talking to the referees about WWE Referees Undressed 2:  RAW Referees Exposed and Uncensored.  Everybody is really excited.  Then Bischoff tells them to start DQing people who use closed fists.  Does this mean Rob Van Dam is finally going to get pushed?

Coach is still in Stamford.  To pass the time he’s making little towers out of olives and toothpicks.  Vince comes by mumbling to himself. 

JC:  What’s all that mumbling about?
VM:  There comes a time in a man’s life when he has to take candy from his children and hit them across the face with it.  So it must be with me and the WWE fans.
JC:  Huh?
VM:  You see, this angle started off great.  Nobody signs the petition, Austin comes on TV and cries, says “What?  You want to see me cry?  What?” and then everybody feels so sad that they let Austin back onto RAW.  But now fourteen whole people have signed the petition.  I mean…what the hell, you know?  Who knew we still had fourteen fans that could spell?
JC:  What does that have to do with candy?
VM:  Well, now the fans must pay.  You want Austin back?  We’ll give him back, but in a way such that you’ll hate having him back, and then you’ll want him to leave.  Then when he DOES leave (again) you’ll say:  “Where’s Austin?  I miss him!  I wish Stone Cold was back!”  So we’ll bring him back again, we’ll pop a nice buyrate, sell some shirts, and then fire him again.  The bloody cycle continues.
JC:  What does that have to do with candy?
VM:  How the hell should I know?

My Darling Stacy, Trish and Lita are backstage with Terri.  They’re all wearing Santa Costumes.  YES!  MY ANNUAL STUPID HOLIDAY THEMED MATCH WISHES HAVE COME TRUE!  Santa read my letter!  Terri asks them what they got for Christmas.  “AAH!” was a real popular gift this year.  I hear they ran out at Amazon.  Lita needs to lay off the Christmas Ham.  Oh, who am I kidding.  I’d still hit it.  Oops.  Hi there, Stacy.  I should have said that one in parenthesis (as an “aside”).  Austin tries to back them all over with a truck, but there’ll be no vehicular homicide on THIS RAW.  He has to wait until at least next year before we can resume killings.  Terri asks Steve what’s what?  “What?” is her only response.  He’s so focused on fiddling with things in his truck he forgot to say “AAH!”

(ads)

Randy Orton v. Booker T.
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Booker T doesn’t fall down right away, much to the consternation of Randy Orton.  However, Booker quickly flashes back to his ongoing feud with Mark Henry and falls into a huddled mass of quivering T.  Orton goes for the pin, but just as he does, Kane runs out to add more him to your Holiday Season.  Dude, my holidays SO needed more Kane.  Kane sees Booker T and attacks.  That’s not very festive.  What did he spill Cocoa on you or something?  Geez.  Some people just ruin the season for everyone.

(ads)

Here’s another Classic Shawn Michaels Moment.  Here Shawn Michaels humps a flag.  Awesome stuff.

Coach has moved on to making origami ducks out of napkins when Linda McMahon strolls by….

JC:  Do YOU have anything to say about Steve Austin?
LM:  Steviekins, if you can hear me, just because you’re not a the Christmas Party this year doesn’t mean that we can’t have our annual whiskey fueled tryst.
JC:  I’m sorry, I fell asleep while you were talking.  Can you repeat that?
LM:  You know Coach, I’ve always thought that you had a nicely shaped head.  Let’s go grab some drinks and then I’ll wax it for you.
JC:  Well, folks.  I’m about to make the biggest mistake of my life.  Back to you, J.R. and King.

Poor Brock.

Jericho runs into Trish backstage.  Uh Oh.  Bad acting ahoy, Cap’n!  “Get out of my Crunch Berries, those have to last us until the voyage home.”  Aye Aye!

CJ:  Trish, listen, I was writing down what we were going to say next in this angle, and then I though, how about you just take your shirt off.
TS:  No.
CJ:  Damn.  Ok.  Well…I got you this Christmas present.
TS:  You ass!  I’m Jewish!

She slaps him.

CJ:  Ow!  Geez.  I’m sorry.  
TS:  I’m just kidding.  I’m not Jewish.
CJ:  Well, then I got you this Christmas Present….
TS:  Canadian Christmas was LAST MONTH

She slaps him.

CJ:  OW!  Geez, I…HEY!
TS:  Oh, fine.  What is it?  Uh…A bottle of rum?
CJ:  How about that!  Let’s get drunk and screw.
TS:  No.
CJ:  Aw shucks.  I never get the ladies.

Young love is so sweet.

(ads)

Austin gets a call in his truck.  “Hello?  What?  What?  What?  I’m just messing with you.  Yes, I can here you now.  No, it isn’t good.  Stop calling me you creepy bastard.  Hello?  Hello?  Dammit.”

Lita, Trish Stratus and My Darling Stacy v. Victoria, Molly and Jackie Gayda

Ivory must feel AWFUL being left out of this match.  Stacy, let us go in search of my North Pole.  Man…I think I made that SAME joke last year.  Lita is actually wearing her ring clothes under her outfit.  What a rebel.  Victoria has a little pig tail thing going on that is oddly distracting.  She also killed Jackie, so who the hell knows what happened to her.  Trish and Molly play “Who can do the most actual moves while showing off the least skin” annoying me greatly.  I mean, geez, this is my Holiday Gimmick Match, kids, let’s lighten up the mood a bit.  Trish beats Molly, but the real winner is Crazy Go Nuts Victoria who beats up Molly after the match and then starts convulsing.  She’s like Golem for the Holidays.  This match was there.  But Stacy…she was THERE.  You know?

Austin is still fiddling with things in his truck.  The phone rings again.  “Hello?  Return to RAW?  Why?  I already have.  Be Co-General Manager again?  But that would be going against the storylines you’ve so carefully laid out.  What do you mean ‘I don’t Care?’  No, I will not wear that on national TV.  Well screw you too.”  Then Austin speeds off crashing into a TV light, the garage door and Tommy Dreamer.  Merry Christmas, Tommy!

(ads)

Lawler and Ross are talking about how cool Vince is for quintuple reverse psychologying Austin into quitting again.  But wait…there’s more….

Shawn Michaels, RAW Satire’s Wrestler of the Year, is out to dance around.  Will he have a match…TONIGHT?

Yes.

(ads)

Shawn Michaels v. Triple H (w/ Ric Flair)
For the WWE World Title

Shawn has homefield advantage, which I hear is great this time of year.  Triple H takes advantage, but HHH having the advantage makes Baby Jesus cry, so Shawn takes the advantage right back from him.  At this point, I’d like to acknowledge Guy in the Front Row with the nWo shirt.

Dear Sir,

It seems to me that you’re not quite sure what year it is.  I assure you, many of us have that same problem, a problem complicated even further by the coming New Year.  I’m here to help.  It is 2003.  It is not 1998.  I’m sorry for any confusion that we might have caused.  Or perhaps you are a dreamer.  No TOMMY F’N DREAMER to be sure, but a dreamer nonetheless.  I respect that.  Dream on little dreamer, but I’m afraid you’ll need to buy a new shirt.  I hear the Evolution shirts are nice, if you’d still like to support a stable.

Thank You for Your Time,
-Matthew Hocking, Esq

(ads)

Yes, yes.  Keep waving the nWo shirt, you brave little toaster.  Shawn locks in the Figure Four while Flair’s head turns a lovely shade of purple.  Like a plum.  A sugar plum perhaps?  The announcers can’t help but go on and on about the new closed fist rule.  I bet this lasts…uh…it’s over already.  Ok.  HHH works his way out of the Figure Four and hits Earl.  Bischoff runs out and gets into the ring.  Shawn is incredulous, but he hits the Superkick anyway.  Shawn flops down to make the cover, but WAIT!  Bischoff counts them both down and HHH is still the Dance Dance World Champion!  Bischoff offers to go to the instant replay…HE WAS OUT OF BOUNDS DAMMIT!  I DON’T CARE IF HE WAS PUSHED, HE WOULD STILL HAVE BEEN OUT OF BOUNDS!!  What the hell were we talking about again?  Oh right.  Shawn weeps and prances away to find out what Jesus has to say about all this nonsense. 

Just as the show is about to go off the air, however, it’s STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!!  He’s back and this time he’s not running things over!  No, this time he’s wearing a little cowboy hat, holding a cap gun and wearing a ridiculously oversized badge.

EB:  What the hell is going on?
SA:  *sigh*  Oh, man.  I hate myself right now.  Let’s see…what the hell did they want me to say?  Riiiiiiight…”Bam Bam, pardner…ech…I’m Sheriff Steve Austin.”
EB:  What the hell are you talking about?
SA:  I’m a Sheriff.  Steve Austin.  Aw…hell…I don’t really know either.  Shawn Michaels gets a rematch.  You get a Stunner.  I get a paycheck. 

STUNNER TO BISCHOFF!

Next Week:  Sheriff Steve Austin and Deputy Dreamer leave the Trauma Ward and round up some Cowpokes.  Rob Van Dam beats HHH via “Closed Fist DQ”, and doesn’t get the World Title.  RVD cries.  The Women’s Division gets back to normal when I gloss over their match!

Happy Holidays from all of us at RAW Satire.

E-MAIL MATT    
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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