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RAW SATIRE    
What's Long, Boring, and Makes No Sense?   

March 9, 2004

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week:  Evolution learned the REAL meaning of Christmas when mean old Triple H left them with no presents.  Kane was not feeling any love as he decided to set everyone on fire.  The Rock enlisted the help of his Planeteers to bring him back.  The Power may be Yours but will it stay yours…TONIGHT?

(Opening Credits)

Eerie chanting fills the arena as a casket sits alone in the ring.  So, who do you suppose is in there?  Hercules?  Jack Tunney?  Katie Vick?  Ring of Honor?  This Joke?  Kane decides that the earlier we get more of him the better.  He runs out and tells Papa Shango that if he thinks that a measly old casket is going to scare Kane, he’s got another thing comin’.  I wish I had another thing comin’.  Like a paycheck.  Wasn’t I supposed to retire?  WTF?!  Of course maybe the “NEEDS MORE KANE”  sign on Smackdown (Thanks, OpTard) counters the “This Show Needs a little more Kane” sign from last week’s RAW making my retirement irrelevant.  Ow.  My head hurts.  Kane opens the casket and finds an urn.  The Urn of Inner Peace?  The Urn of Great Triumph?  Katie Vick’s Ashes?  OH!  It’s the Undertaker’s urn.  That dastardly Papa Shango has stolen it again!  Maybe Kane can make a nice chain out of it.  Kane is so enraged at this obvious disrespect for years of storylines that he throws the casket out of the ring.  Ok.  He doesn’t actually do that.  He tries.  Oh, how he tries.  But he has to have Lillian Garcia and The Guy Who Used a Crane to Raise Those Crosses…err Symbols Last Week help him out.  To thank her for her hard work, Kane lights Lillian on fire.  The pleather!  It melts!  Inside the base of the casket?  Candy!  This is the best RAW ever!  Has that Casket been there all night?  Did the International Heat guys have to wrestle around it?  I’m just saying…that’d be inconvenient.  Now there’s dirt all over in the ring too.  This segment is just not very clean.  Suddenly, the ring starts moving around.  Wow!  Eddie Guerrero has tricked out the RAW ring!  That kicks ass!  Kane starts bopping around when suddenly….

BONG!

Uh oh!  Midnight.  Kane turns into a pumpkin.  Cross v. Pumpkin, ONLY AT WRESTLEMANIA!!

(ads)

Rob Van Dam, Booker T and The Dudley Boyz v. Garrison “Lance” Cade, Mark Jindrak and La Resistance

RVD fights the man by having his music interrupt Booker’s at random intervals.  These guys HAVE to stay a tag team for a while now, because…geez…those editors spent four whole minutes on that package, and damned if they’re not going to squeeze every drop they can out of it.  Apparently, Jindrak and Cade are a “great young team”.  I’m like my own WCW hotline.  Some stuff happens as everybody tries to get their moves in all at once and end up just running into each other instead.  Suddenly, Jindrak hits a DROPKICK~! on Booker, and picks up the win.  Jindrak and Cade win?  Huh?

Backstage, Chris Jericho is talking on the phone.

CJ:  No, no, baby.  I swear you’re what matters most to me.  Yeah.  I’m going to win that match at WrestleMania for you!  Yeah.  I know how dastardly that Chris Tian can be.  I will, I’ll watch my back.  I only wish that you could be there with me.  Yes.  Yes I remembered my sweater.  I’m wearing my BAYBE DOLL T-shirt because I want to sell merchandise.  I don’t think I’ll catch a chill.  MOOOOooom!!

Suddenly Christian attacks and Jericho’s knee is wounded.  Oh no!  Christian picks up the phone.

CT:  Hey, baby.  After WrestleMania, I’m going to grab your booty and I’m never gonna let go.  Yeah!  You’re gonna be on your back, just like Jericho’s on HIS back.  Or maybe you’ll be on his back just like he’s on yours.  Or something nasty like…Oh.  Hello, Mrs. Jericho.  I’m sorry.  Yes, ma’am.  Well, he started…yes, ma’am.  I’m sorry ma’am.  I’ll tell him (you’re supposed to put on a sweater).  I’ll try to be nicer.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I DO mean it, Mrs. Jericho.

Christian hops into a car to get away.  The camera pans over to show Trish in the driver’s seat.

TS:  Dammit!  They weren’t supposed to see that!
CT:  Just drive.  DRIVE!  Our show is a joke.

(ads)

Some Guy is standing by with Booker and Rob Van Dam.

SG:  What’s up dudes?  I’m the new WWE backstage repor….
BT:  Shut up.  I can’t believe we got ourselves a MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA!
RVD:  ….
BT:  What’s wrong man?  C’mon.  It’s the Booker-man, ya’ll.  You can tell me.
RVD:  ….
BT:  What’s your problem, sucka?  You don’t want to share your feelings with the Booker-man?
SG:  Actually, I think he’s still mesmerized by the whole TV thing last week.
BT:  Yo!  Rob!  I think it’s 4:20.
RVD:  Woah.  I was totally having, like, an out of body experience.
BT:  Oh yeah?  What did you see?
RVD:  Hungry Hungry Hippos.  Everywhere!  Gobblin’ up all the planets in the solar system.  The Pink Hippo was going after Earth and I was like, “NO!  NO!  Don’t eat the Earth, Pink Hungry Hungry Hippo!  For, if Earth doesn’t exist, neither will Milton Bradley, and if Milton Bradley doesn’t exist than neither will you.  And the Cleveland Indians will be without an outfielder.  So, don’t eat it!  But then the Green Hungry Hungry Hippo swallowed both me and Earth.  That’s the story of how I almost saved Earth.
BT:  Man.  I don’t know why I didn’t listen to Kane when he said “Don’t team with him, Booker.  He’s going to drive you nuts, Booker.”  Damn.
RVD:  And then, Chuck Norris came and said, “I don’t know where all you monkey wranglers went, but…

Elsewhere, the Rock is speaking to the producer just off camera.

TR:  How’s the Rock’s green hair?  I can’t believe you guys are gonna be painting the Rock BLUE later.  It’ll be Blue Man Rock.  ALL RIGHT!  Hey, Tough Enough Jessie, you’re lookin’ HOT tonight.  How about a little strudel.  No…no…don’t cry.  Aw, geez, the Rock wasn’t tryin’ to harass you baby.  He was just tryin’ to get a little of her ass!  Oh.  That came out all wrong, baby.  What the Rock is trying to say is….
HC:  Hello, Rocky.
TR:  Well, if it isn’t The Rock’s old pal, The Hurricane!
HC:  You never call anymore.
TR:  How’s your heat holding up, man?

HC:  It’s not even MY Heat, it’s
Stevie’s.  Oh, you mean the “heat” that you gave me?  Gone.  ALL GONE!

TR:  I’m sure you’ll get it back, baby.  Just ask HHH to job for you.
HC:  Ha.  Ha.  Hey…is your hair…GREEN?!
TR:  I know!  Isn’t it wild?  It’s for my new Captain Planet gimmick.  It’s wild, man.
HC:  YOU’RE STEALING MY GODDAMN HEAT AGAIN, YOU BASTARD!
TR:  Hey!  There’s plenty of room for two green superheros, Suga.  Stay positive!
HC:  I hope Walking Tall bombs just as bad as Rundown.  I saw Walking Tall on Kaazaa last night, and it sucked.
TR:  Hey!  That’s not nice.  You, fatty, what did YOU think of my awesome new movie?
RS:  YOU KILLED JESUS!
HC:  He accidentally downloaded The Passion.
TR:  That’s something with that little midget puppet man, isn’t it?
RS:  Puppet…Jesus?
JC:  I’m Jesus!
TR:  COACH?!

HC: 
Maven?

MV:  This is…a little weird.
JC:  Holy crap.  I think I’m getting a little queasy.
TR:  The Rock is gonna run that way.  Coach, you run that way.  Maven, you run that way.  Let’s never speak of this again.

The all run in the same direction and fall over each other.

RO:  Yes!
HHH:  That only counts as one.
RO:  Damn you.
HHH:  PEDI….
RO:  I’ll be good.

(ads)

The Hurricane and Suga Rosey v. Ric Flair, Randy Orton and “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

Batista says, “I don’t want to wrestle YOU.” and Hurricane falls over.  Orton wins!  Orton gets on the mic and says that while the past is the past and the future is the past of the even more distant future, the present is now past and Mick Foley should know that this is his life.  Ric Flair promises a ride on Space Mountain for the fat boy’s old lady.

(ads)

Matt Hardy v. Chris Benoit

Matt Fact:  Matt is going to job.
Matt Fact:  Matt occasionally cheats on Lita.

Matt seems psychic as he jobs within the opening minute of the match.  J.R. is waddling down to interview him.  In the meantime, it’s time for poetry corner with Jeff….

I’ve got a secret.
You’re the only one I can tell.
Imagi is my nation,
I think he’s really swell.
If you don’t like it,
You can suck my thumb.
I really love Imagi
And I really want you to come.
Join the Imagi-Nation
I think you’ll like our style.
You can drive on our volcano,
And pass the time a while.
A While.
A Whale.
A Wail.
AWAIL!
AWOL!
Where does the time go?
Am I crazy…or am I just…
2Xtreme.

(ads)

Benoit is with J.R.

JR:  Chris, I understand that you’ve got something to say.
CB:  Yo, yo yo yo yo yo YO!  YO!  Actually, J.R., I can’t keep this rapping gimmick up.
JR:  Why not?
CB:  I can’t rock the bling when I don’t have any, ya’lls.  So, with my next gimmick, I hope to get some mad bling, yo.
JR:  And that is?
CB:  Chris Benoit, Mighty Pirate.  ARR!
JR:  Have you defeated the Sword Master of Melee Island?
CB:  How appropriate, you fight like a cow.

Shawn Michaels prances out.

SM:  Woah!  WOAH!  No stealing on my show, Chris.  Thou shalt not steal.
CB:  Arr!  I could get ye a deal on a mighty eyepatch!
SM: I CONDEM…Dude…Really?
CB:  Indeed.
SM:  Oh…Sign me up then.

They start to shake, but the force of the handshake accidentally swings their heads too close together and they KISS!  OMG!  A camera flashes from the entrance ramp.

HHH:  HAHAHA!  I wonder what Whyspyr and Nancy will have to say about this?
CB:  You can’t use that picture to blackmail us out of plundering your booty at Mania.
SM:  The crazy old pirate is right.  It was just one kiss.  Nothin’ wrong with that.
HHH:  Send to…Whyspyr@WashedUpNitroGi….
SM:  WAIT!  Geez.  Ok.  What do you want?
HHH:  Nothin’.  Just to play with your egos a bit.
SM:  Leggo my Ego!
HHH:  Yeah.  You both have huge egos.
CB:  Arr, hey Triple Pot, this be a kettle and both ye be black.
RVD:  I don’t know what you’re talking about, man.  But I like the sash.  It’s a nice touch.
CB:  Sunday, Hunter!  WrestleMania 20!  I’m going to plunder all your booty.
HHH:  Uh…right.  I’m just going to go get this film develop….

Suddenly, Randy Orton runs out because he forgot to mention something in his promo earlier.  He collides with HHH, who drops the camera.  The camera shatters into a million pieces and the film is exposed.

HHH:  NOOOO!  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!

(ads)

Mick Foley is backstage.  He sees Spike Dudley.

MF:  Spike?  What are you even doing back here?
SD:  They need somebody to fill in. 
Tommy Dreamer was sent to OVW after the McMahon Incident a few weeks ago.

MF:  Oh…damn.  Sorry you don’t have a MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA!
SD:  Oh, it’s cool.  I was on International Heat.  I hear I’m huge in France.

Lita v. Molly Holly

Molly with the CHINLOCK~! to stall while J.R. talks about how Molly is going to be balder than Kevin Nash after Mania.  After she gets the signal that he’s done pimpin’, Molly pins Lita.  Molly’s trying to get the CHINLOCK~! over as a finisher.  AWESOME!  Victoria comes out and bares her cleavage at Molly.  Molly runs away because she’d rather save her beatings for when she’s getting paid better to take them.

(ads)

Steve Austin walks out to the ring, sadly void of his Power Wheels of Xtreme Justice.  He gets on the mic and says that Brock Lesnar is a big whiny baby who is trying to take his ball and go home, and that the WWE doesn’t have room for anybody who doesn’t want to be there.  Austin also says that Goldberg is locked in his basement and won’t come out until the WWE promises to put on a show with just dogs in the audience to raise money for some charity that Goldberg started to change the constitution to recognize that dogs are people too.  Then Austin moans and says, “What (what?) kind of crappy feud have I gotten myself involved in?  Ugh, I’m going to go drink.  Maybe with my WrestleMania check I can buy my ring back.”

(ads)

Stevie Richards v. Chris Jericho

Quick, who’s the heel here?  If you said “Neither…or possibly both,” you’re right!  Huzzah for you!  Jericho is winning until Trish’s music starts.  Jericho pauses and waits for his little lady to make her way down here to cheer him on, when suddenly he sees that it’s not Trish at all, it’s Christian in pleather pants, a “WWE Divas” Baby T and a cowboy hat.  Jericho says, “Close enough” and leaves.  But then he gets counted out!  Oh that dastardly Chris Tian!  Jericho runs back to beat up Stevie Richards to show the REAL Trish that he’s still higher up on the card that Stevie, even though he lost.

(ads)

My Darling Stacy and Miss Jackie are in Eric Bischoff’s office.  Johnny Cage approaches.

JCA:  Hey, ladies.  I’m John Hennigan.
MDS:  Hnnr…
JCA:  Johnny Cage.
JG:  Wow!  Is it really you?
JCA:  Oh, yeah.
JG:  I saw you pull out a girl’s spine once.
JCA:  Uh…yeah.  Totally did that.  I got 5000 points too.
MDS:  That set the Women’s liberation movement back 50 years, you pig.  Come on, Jackie, let’s go get dressed up for our clothes ripping match over who gets to be naked.
JG:  We’ll show those men.
JCA:  What the hell was that all about?
EB:  My boy, come drink with me.  It’s the only way the show makes sense anymore.

(ads)

J.R. and Lawler plug RAW’s Mania matches.  Cole does the duty for Smackdown.  Where’s Tazz?

(ads)

The Rock calls Mick Foley out to the ring.

TR:  I wanted to get confetti for the occasion, Mick, but the confetti store was all out, so here.

Rock rips a page out of the news paper and throws it at Mick.

MF:  Aw, Rock.  That was sweet.
TR:  After everything you did for me, Mick.  You deserve it.  After all, if it weren’t for The Rock’s This Is Your Life segment, The Rock might not be in movies today.

MF:  I know. 
Vince punches me once a week.  He also throws things at Vince Russo whenever he sees him.

TR:  Anyway, since most people don’t care about your life, let’s bring out some old lady!

Sable is out.

SB:  Mick!  Remember back in the day when I used to fix you pie?
MF:  And
Marc Mero always said that he just wanted to watch?

TR:  Woah, what the hell are you guys talking about?
MF:  It’s nothing sick, Rock.  Sable here used to bake pies while Marc and I watched TV.
TR:  Oh.
SB:  And then we’d have sex.
TR:  WHAT?!
MF:  With the pies.
TR:  Oh.  Wait WHAT?!
SB:  Yeah.  It was all the rage back then.
TR:  The Rock doesn’t even want to think of your crusty old ass having sex with a pie.
MF:  Then there was strip charades nights.  Remember those?
SB:  Oh yeah.  And then we’d play hide the Jenga.

TR:  Ok.  Stop.  The Rock can’t stop vomiting.  Let me bring out an influential member of your life who you DIDN’T simulate sex with…
Superfly Jimmy SNUKA!!

Superfly is out.

MF:  You’ve shrunk!
SF:  Brothamuffinottersraccoonbacontopropemickfoleyohyeahbrotha!
MF:  Huh?
TR:  Oh, that Jimmy Snuka.  He so crazy!
MF:  Wait a second.  This isn’t even Jimmy Snuka at all!  It’s Tazz dressed up in a Jimmy Snuka kids Halloween costume and drugged so I couldn’t understand what he was saying!
TR:  Hahaha…Raccoon Bacon.  Jimmy, you so crazy!  I may have to steal that and put it on a shirt.  “Raccoon Bacon?  Better take him out of the oven!”
TZ:  Rocketbustasbrotharocketbustas.
MF:  Come on, what does that Raccoon Bacon stuff even MEAN?
TR:  You know.  Raccoo…ok.  You know what?  The Rock’s going to confess.  The Rock couldn’t wake the Real Superfly up from his nap, but The Rock thought the segment would bomb without a little Snuka action, so The Rock hired this Jimmy Snuka impersonator.

MF:  Rock…The only thing that would make this segment any worse is
Yurple.

TZ:  Umansuplexmachinebrotha!  TAZZBROTHA!
SB:  You wanna go back to Smackdown, Tazz?  C’mon.  Let’s go back to Smackdown.

TZ:  Lookatsablebrothalookat
dawnbrotha.

They leave.

TR:  Well, Mick, it’s funny you should mention that, because…Well…our next guest is….

Backstage…

HHH:  Who the hell are you?
YP:  I’m Yurple!  Do you want a balloon that looks like a piggy?
HHH:  Are you callin’ me fat?
YP:  No!  I love chubby people.
HHH:  So you’re callin’ me fat.
YP:  Uh…How about a snake?  That’s a fun one.  I don’t even have to do anything, you can just have this balloon!
HHH:  What are you saying about my penis?  WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, LADY?!
YP:  How about I make you one that looks like Robert Frost….
HHH:  Oh, that’s it.  PEDIGREE TO YURPLE!  Anybody who writes about “Leaves of Grass” is an idiot.
DBD:  I believe that was WALT WHITMAN!
HHH:  Don’t YOU start in on me.  You’re livin’ on borrowed time.  You AND the rest of Aloe Lotion.

In the ring…

TR:  Well.  That about sums up your life, Mick.  It was long.  It was boring, and it made no sense.
MF:  Wow.  You’re right, Rock.  That was the most accurate description of my life ever.  Thanks, man.

Orton and Flair run out to attack Rock and Foley.  They start to falter, but Batista runs out and hits Rock with Robert Frost knocking him out cold.  Foley puts up a mighty struggle, but he ends up tripping on a stray piece of newspaper and falling over.  Evolution end the show with their arms raised in victory.  Then the ring starts shaking again and they all fall over.

HHH:  That’s only one!

Next Week:  The Road To WrestleMania cont…oh…nevermind.  Who will be the World Champion?  The answer might surprise you (Pete Rose).  After revenge against the Dastardly Papa Shango has been taken, Kane will return to chokeslamming random people on the roster, just like the old days.

SPECIAL RAW SATIRE WRESTLEMANIA PREDICTIONS~!

Garrison “Lance” Cade and Mark Jindrak v. The Dudley Boyz v. La Resistance v. RVD and Booker T
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

A surprise fifth entrant will be revealed as Kronik!  Booker T and RVD will still win.

Chris Jericho v. Chris Tian
For One Canadian Dollar and Possibly Trish

Jericho will be about to win when suddenly Trish will come out and show him her boobies.  Jericho will jump out of the ring so that he might be in a better position to grab them, but it was a SHOCKING SWERVE~!  Jericho loses the match by count-out and loses the dollar.  Christian gets Trish, and hopefully uses the dollar to buy a better shirt.

Molly Holly v. Victoria
In a Hair v. WWE Women’s Title Match

Victoria will seem to have an early advantage when she’ll be distracted by Stevie “I’m Just Happy to Be Out Here Tonight” Richards.  She’ll try to convince Stevie to go to the back until she’s finished, but it’s too late!  Molly rolls up Victoria and gets the win.  Then she shaves her head anyway.  Bitch.

The Rock and Sock Connection v. Evolution
For Visiting Rights at the Hospital with Yurple

Evolution finds out the hard way that Rock’s Tattoo is actually part of some ancient voodoo curse that is slowly taking over his body and allowing him to make normal every day chicken into “jerk” chicken with a simple sideways glance.  Foley falls over early because he’s fat and clumsy, but a crafty Rock uses Orton’s celebration as an opening to get sit at the commentator’s table and promote his new movie.  Flair and Batista are sick of traveling with Orton, however, and Foley wins with a punch to the nuts.

80 Cruiserweight (except Paul London) Challenge to Fight Chavo Guerrero
For the WWE Cruiserweight Title

Paul London will enter the match in a mask under the name El Pollo Diablo, and be the first one eliminated.  Everyone expects Rey Misterio to win, but here’s a secret bit of insider information:  Ultimo Dragon is HHH in a mask.  It’s true.  The only reason he’s never on Smackdown is that cutting all those promos on RAW gets him extra winded, too winded to be a spot machine.  But if HHH is losing one belt early on in the night, he’s going to win this one.  HHH…I mean, Ultimo Dragon (wink) beats Chavo after the PEDRAGON TO ORTON!  Any questions about whether or not he meets the Cruiserweight weight limit will be answered with a sledgehammer to your face.  No matter who asks them.  So wear some sort of facial guard.

The World’s Greatest Tag Team v. The Basham Brothers v. The APA v. Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

An even MORE “swollen” Shaniqua will provide an early distraction that gives the Bashams the edge, but Nidia will run out and they’ll have a boob fight.  Then Stephanie McMahon will run out and it’ll be a three way boob fight and these chumps will go home.

Shaniqua v. Nidia v. Stephanie McMahon
Three Way BoobFight

Ah, a WrestleMania classic!  Nidia will gain an early edge when her former cousin-in-law Nunzio will feel bad for her and beat up the other two.  Speaking of Edge, he won’t be there.  Stephanie wins when her shrieking causes the eardrums of Nidia and Shaniqua to explode and their boobs to deflate.

John Cena v. The Big Show
For the Oft Defended WWE U.S. Title

There’s no doubt that Big Show has been a fighting champion, so it will be announced that this match is Non-Title on Heat, 7 hours before the match actually occurs.  Then everybody will forget that stipulation.  The Big Show will accidently eat Cena’s lock and chain and have to be rushed to the hospital.  No Contest!

My Darling Stacy and Jackie Gayda v. Torrie Wilson and Sable
In a Playboy Evening Gown Match, Thank God

Stacy and Torrie will decide that WCW pride is more important than any old Playboy contract, and they’ll beat the other two bloody.  Then Stacy will beat up Torrie and say that she’s getting the band back together, which is funny because Stacy was never in Diversity Five, but whatever.  If it means the return of Spice, I’ll take it.  Zach Gowen will come out, because he thought this was an “Evening Gowen” match, and he’ll be shot by WWE Security Snipers.

Kurt Angle v. Eddie Guerrero
For the WWE Heavyweight Title

Kurt will force Eddie to drink some booze before the match, and Eddie will drive the lowrider into a ditch.  Then he’ll come out filled with the urge for Latino Vengeance (or perhaps just the urge to Pee).  But it is all for naught, as Kurt Angle represents the goodwill of the American Public for its soldiers, and this is an election year.  Kurt wins.

Cross v. Pumpkin
60 Minute Iron Man Match

It will be a ************** classic.  But feed will cut out for this part and all you’ll get to see is a QVC Corrugated Cardboard special.

Kane v. Papa Shango v. Maybe The Undertaker if his Hair is Long Enough
In a What Will Fall From the Ceiling Next Match

Kane, Papa and Taker have 40 minutes to try to out do each other as to what crazy stuff they can make fall from the MSG roof.  Kane and Papa will put up a good effort, but Undertaker will win in the 11th hour (of Mania coverage) when he drops from the ceiling…himself!  The two takers will clean house on the competition and then, later that day, be available to clean YOUR house for only $14/hour.

Chris Benoit, Mighty Pirate v. Shawn Michaels v. Triple H
For the WWE World Title

This whole story has been a SHOCKING SWERVE~!  It turns out that all three guys don’t care about the World Title.  All they care about is cash money and hoes.  To that effect they decide that they’re going to reform Degeneration X with HHH as its leader.  Benoit will fight back the tears as he says that sticking it to the stupid Internet fans is the happiest moment of his life.  The World Title will be held up, only to be awarded to WWE Hall of Famer Pete Rose the next night on RAW.

Goldberg v. Brock Lesnar
With Special Guest Referee Stone Cold Steve Austin

With both guys leaving at the end of the match, I think it will be a no contest.  Special Guest Referee Stone Cold Steve Austin will stunner them both and pull off his “Stone Cold” shirt to reveal a “DX” shirt, and then he’ll drink beers and celebrate with a newly reformed DX consisting of Shawn Michaels, HHH, Chris Benoit, Spike Dudley and That New Announcer Guy.

Vince McMahon v. Matt Hocking
For the WWE Stacy Title

This contest will be announced as a MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA on Heat 5 minutes prior to Wrestlemania (18 hours before this match takes place).  It will be a hard fought contest, but we have to send the fans home happy, so I win after a quadruple 480-degree somersault Ice Tiger SpaceStar Press onto Vince through 8 tables, 14 chairs and a small Volvo.  MSG will rock with thunderous applause.

Hope you enjoy it!  See you next week!

E-MAIL MATT    
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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