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Episode IV: A New Hope (Part One)

May 12, 2004

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


The evil Empire of Vince McMahon rules the wrestling world. Only a small band of Rebels under the command of a man named "Eric" could possibly hope to defeat them. Impartial commentators David Meltzer and Bryan Alvarez discuss....
Meltzer: The thing I don't understand is that WCW is being portrayed as the FACES.
Bryan: Well, it's not like we'll see Rick Steiner or anything....
Meltzer: Oh, God, don't say that. What do the polls say?
Bryan: Well... 53% would rather watch WOW, 14% say RAW will be better, and 33% say Mark Madden is fat.
Meltzer: WOW?
Bryan: Women of Wrestling.
Meltzer: Oh, yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah.
Anyway, on with our story....

At the heart of the sinking ship, the WCW Offices, mindless drones Tony and Stevie Ray roam the halls....
Tony: MY GOD, LOOKIT THE ACTION. This is the greatest battle in the history of battles!!
Stevie: Tony, Tony... can I ax you a question, Tony?
Tony: Sure, Stevie, go ahe—
Stevie: Yak fight! Yak fight!
Tony: (turning smugly to the camera) Oh, I see. He can only talk in catchphrases, folks!
Stevie: What was that, Tony?

Suddenly a blast from the Titan Towers rocks WCW.

Oh, that's it. That's their move!! WCW will never get up!!

Eric Bischoff enters.

Bischoff: Not if I have anything to do with it! Stevie, I'm entrusting you with the plans to McMahon's "Secret Gimmick." If it gets out, we're done for.... But we'll stop them. HEAR THAT, MCMAHON? IT'S ON!!! IT'S ON!!!
Stevie: Suckas gots to know!!
Stevie, Tony and Bischoff exit. Enter HHH with the Hardyz, Too Cool, and Dean Malenko.
HHH: That's it, my little workers, destroy this WCW filth. Look, it's Lash Leroux! Don't let him get away.
Tenay: My god! Hunter Hearst Helmsley! I can see you've been using your Weider Muscle Builder?!
HHH: Tenay! Where's Bischoff?
Tenay: I dunno what you're talking about.
HHH pedigrees Tenay. Enter Tazz looking very excited.
Tazz: Brutha, I found Eric Bischoff!
HHH: Bring him to me.
Tazz: Then will I get pushed?
HHH: No.
Tazz frowns and tears form in his eyes. Meanwhile, Tony and Stevie have found an escape.
Tony: A rental car! Stevie is the greatest announcer ever in the history of announcers!
Stevie: Tony, what're all them yaks doin' out here?

As they take off in the "greatest rental car in the history of rental cars," WWF sensors pick them up.

Sir! We've found two WCW announcers jumping ship! Should we pick them up?
Stone Cold: Hell, son, if we picked up every two bit announcer on the market what would we do with our two bit announcers? Huh? Where would Michael Cole or Kevin Kelly or poor Jonathan Coachman go? HUH?!?!
Benoit: I'm sorry I ever bothered you, sir. You proved me wrong.
Austin: Damn straight I did. And that's the bottom line, 'cause STONE COLD SAID SO!!

Meanwhile, Tazz stalks his victim in the WCW Offices....

Common', Bischoff. I can smell ya'. I'm a t'ug you know. I'm gonna choke your sorry ass out. I'm from the Red Hook Section 'a Brooklyn brotha. Guess who's commin' for ya'? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Bischoff: My God. Vince Russo isn't out there is he?
Tazz: No, no, no.... It's Tazz, brutha. The 'Uman Wreckin' Machine. You know... Tazz.
Bischoff: I'm sorry. Doesn't ring a bell. Oh wait... are you that really tall guy that looks like Nash?
Tazz: Ahahahaha... that's Test, good ol' EB.
Bischoff: Wait are you that short—
Tazz: Yeah—
Bischoff: Hardcore—
Tazz: Yeah!—
Bischoff: —Little rascal, Crash?
At this point Tazz leaps at Bischoff, looking for the Tazzmission. Bischoff counters with his EZ-E Kick O' Doom.
Tazz: Aw, come on. You ain't expectin' me to sell that are you?
Bischoff: Hey, listen, you aren't going over me!
Tazz: Aw, dammit....
Tazz goes down. Big Show comes in and chokeslams Bischoff.
HHH: Good job, Show. Have you lost a little weight?
Big Show: (finishes swallowing Tazz) Aw, shucks, boss....
HHH: So, Bischoff, where's the plans for the ultimate gimmick?
Bischoff: I don't know what you're talking about. I have the plans for the nWo....
HHH: Dammit, Bischoff! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!! It's MY TIME!!!
Big Show: Want I should eat him, boss?
HHH: No... I don't think so. Not yet, Show... just arrest him.
Kurt Angle: If the internet writers find out about this, we'll be in trouble. It's true, it's true.
HHH: Shut up, Kurt. We'll just have J.R. say something in his Ross Report.

Finally, Tony and Stevie arrive at the Nitro/Thunder tapings in East El Dorado, AR.
Tony: We are here for what's shaping up to be a great Nitro! Hey, where's the arena?
Stevie: Tony!
Enter the old Thunder set, now propped up on some wheels. On it is a bunch of midgets.
Tony: It's the CRUISERWEIGHTS!! Look, there's Shannon Moore and Shane Helms, Jamie Knoble and Evan Kourageous, the Jung Dragons, Kidman, Misterio, Chavo Guerrero Jr., they're all here to SAVE US!!
Rey Misterio: Yeah, whatever, Fat Boyee. Shane, Shannon, help me lift these strawberries onto the stage....
The cruiserweights capture Stevie and Tony and drag them off through the desert, finally winding up at a small hemp farm inhabited by the Road Dogg, Konan, and oddly, Lance Storm.
Road Dogg: LANCE!! LANCE!!
Storm: What? Why am I even here?
Dogg: 'Cause we need somebody legit to cover for us; now tell K-Dogg to get us some good shit this time. We've already got Jannety picking for us.
Storm: I can't believe this. I was born to wrestle, bred to win, and now I'm taking orders from a no-talent mid-carder on a marijuana farm....
Storm approaches where Konan is talking to Rey and Kidman, who have brought out their finest washed-up wrestlers. Koko B. Ware, Viscera, Mideon, Sid, Bret Hart, Sandman, and finally at the end, two announcers Tony and Stevie.
Hart: I can't believe this! I go from being champion of the world to a one-line joke in a stupid-ass play.
Konan: You know what, Bret Hart, you should do more walkin' and less talkin'! Odelay! All right, for my next tour for my new AAA, I'm gonna need a big guy to be my heel, but Viscera you're too fat, so Sid, show me some moves. Viva La RAZA!
Sid jumps down off the Thunder stage, and every bone in his body snaps in five different places.
Tony: That was gruesome, let's see that again!!
The replay indeed shows that Sid folded up like a card table.
Konan: Hey! Com'on, Rey Rey, why you trying to push over shoddy merchandise on me like that? I thought you were 'bout it 'bout it.
Rey: I gotta feed my need for these horns, man. I gotta help the cruiserweights.
Stevie: Booker T is the best champion ever, Tony!
Konan: Hey! What's this? Announcers? I don't have any of those yet. What's your name?
Tony: I'm Tony Schiavone and alongside me, as always, is Stevie Ray! I'm fluent in over six different move calls. "Whatta maneuver that was!" And my partner here has quite the ability. He's the best color commentator in the history of our great sport!
Stevie: It's on like a neck bone now, sucka!
Konan: All right, that's enough from you cranberries. Lizzance Stizzorm, come take these two and give them the prep tapes for working our shows.
Everyone exits.

Meanwhile, over at Madison Square Garden, before
HHH: Whaddyu mean you couldn't find the plans?
Lawler: I searched the entire office and the only thing I found were these copies of Chyna's Playboy and the Terri Runnels Blow-Up Doll! PUPPIES!!!
HHH: (Grabbing the Playboys) Gimme those! (After pondering for a second, he grabs the blow-up doll too) That too!
Stone Cold: Aw, hell, son. I fergot to tell ya that two WCW announcers escaped.
HHH: Dammit! Find them!!!

Meanwhile, Lance Storm is going over the new AAA with Tony and Stevie.

And that's a springboard moonsault.
Tony: How about I say, "OH, what a maneuver that time!" and Stevie says—
Stevie: —in the ring like a chicken wing, Tony.
Storm: Ugh. Whatever.
Tony: So, where are we anyway? We've gotta get to Nitro in an hour.
Storm: Well, if you could find a hotbed for wrestling, this is the planet it's farthest from. Wait... Nitro? Are you guys in the Monday Night Wars?
Tony: I wouldn't call them "Wars" so much as slaughters.
Stevie: Who's that, Tony? Kwang?
Stevie pulls out a tape recorder.
Storm: Hey! What's that you're playing?
Bischoff: Help us, Ric Flair! You're our only hope!!
Storm: Eric Bischoff is pleading to Ric Flair? Wow! Things must be bad!! Don't go anywhere, I'm going to go talk to Konan.

Meanwhile, out in the desert....
Jericho: Look, sir. Madden!
Stone Cold: Well, if it ain't old fat ass himself. How you doin', Mark?
Madden: Oh, God. It wasn't me! Honest!!! Nash told me to do it!
Jericho: Looks like he stowed away in the trunk. Never to announce WCW agayn!
Madden: (rolling his blubber over and weeping) It's true—all of it! I ate Elix Skipper to sustain myself during the journey!
Stone Cold: It was five minutes long.
Jericho: Well, we might have an opening hosting Byte This if you tell us where Tony and Stevie went.
Madden: The Cruiserweights took them! Rey and Kidman... they took them away!!
Stone Cold: (Austin stunners Madden) DTA, Mark. Let's go find them little bitches.

At the Dawg/Dogg Pound....
Road Dogg: You're late for dinner!
Storm: Sorry. I didn't know the time.
Road Dogg: OH YOU DIDN'T KNOW? Your ass better CALL Somebodyyyyyyy!!!!!
Konan: Whatever, yo yo yo, lemme speak on this! Ortega! Err... tacos... are for dinner.
Storm: Those announcers we hired belong to Ric Flair.
Konan: Flair? That crazy old cranberry, don't need announcers. Viva la salsa!!
Storm: Anyway, I'm going to go off to wrestle for OVW. Maybe someday I can be on RAW.
Konan: What, like Mark Henry? No, no, no. You're my only draw for AAA.
Tony: (runs in, out of breath) Stevie Ray just made the greatest escape in the history of escapes!
Storm: Oh no!
Road Dogg: It's too dark out now. Go out and find them tomorrow. And get Rowdy!!

The next day....
Tony: It's the dawning of a NEW DAY for WCW!!
Storm: Shut up! There he is! Fighting with those XPW guys with a slap jack.
Stevie: Sucka Fruit Booty. Sucka Fruit Booty!
Storm: The hell?
Stevie has laid out Damien Steele, Sabu, and Jimmie the Homeless Guy with his slap jack. Suddenly out of nowhere, a rap track plays and New Jack begins creaming people with a computer keyboard.
New Jack: That's justify-able Homicide numba 33!
Voice: WOOO!!!
New Jack: Shit! Workrate! I'm out of here!!
Exit New Jack, enter Ric Flair.
Ric Flair: Wooo! LANCE—Wooo—BY GOD STORM!! Get up. Get up. Comm'on get your ass up, Storm. WOOO!! Stylin' and profilin' WOOO!!
Storm: Ric Flair!
Flair: Wooo! Shut up, Fat Boy! Come on, Lance. Let's go to my home, where I'll show you how to be a JET FLYIN', LIMO RIDIN', WHEELIN'—WOOO!—DEALIN' SON OF A GUN! WOOO!
Storm: Whatever.

Later that day at the home of Ric Flair....
Storm: One of these announcers — Stevie — seems to have a message for you.
Flair: Hell, everybody has a message for the Naitcha Boy! Wooo! Play it, Stevie!
Bischoff: Ric Flair... this is Eric Bischoff. I know that we've had some problems in the past, Ric. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the heart attack angle. I'm sorry about the going crazy angle. I'm sorry, Ric. The WWF is beating us badly. And now they have an angle that is so powerful, it will destroy WCW forever. You've gotta help me, Ric! Bail out WCW one last time! Help us, Ric Flair. You're our only hope!
Flair: Do you remember who trained you to wrestle, boy?
Storm: The Harts?
Flair: Wooo! That's right!! CALGARY—BY GOD WOOO!—STAMPEDE WRESTLING! Stu Hart gave me this book to give to you.
Storm: A book?
Flair: Not just any book, boy! Oh no! It's THE Book. You're going to become a booker, like me before you.
Storm: But you were a terrible booker.
Flair: Bah! That's what Konan keeps telling you. But Konan thinks that he's the God of booking, so what does he know? But beware the power of the book! It can lead you to the dark side... like a certain pupil of mine—
Storm: HHH!
Flair: That's right. I taught him all I know about wheeling—Wooo!—and dealing and limo riding, jet flying—Wooo!—and what'd he do? He turned to the Dark Side!
Storm: You mean he turned heel? Hell, I'm a heel. You're a heel.
Flair: No, boy! Heel, Face, they're all the same now. I mean he got himself booked with McMahon. He made himself be champion of the world!
Storm: Umm... so did you.
Flair: Don't smart mouth me, boy! Wooo! I can take your girl on a ride on Space Mountain she will NEVER forget! WOOO! Anyway, you need to learn the book if you're going to come with me to meet Bischoff in Atlanta.
Storm: All the way to Atlanta? Can't we just conference call?
Flair: It's the headquarters of WCW, the greatest company in the business of professional—Wooo—wrestling. WOOO!
Tony: You tell 'em, Ric!
Stevie: Can I ax you a question, Tony!?!?

All exit headed for Nitro in East El Dorado, AR, on their way, they run across the ruins of the old Thunder set.
Tony: My GOD! Lookit the carnage! They've killed all the cruiserweights!
Stevie: What was THAT?!
Storm: Oh no! Poor Rey Misterio... thrown like a javelin into the Turner Tron. And Chavo! Powerbombed through the stage! Who could have done this?!?!
Tony: It was Kevin Nash! Big Sexy was in the HOUSE!
Flair: No. No! Nash would have made sure that there were cameras! No this is the work of HHH. Dammit!—Wooo!—look at Kidman! He's been lodged in the windchime! Look at him spinning in there! Damn you, Helmsley! WOOO!
Storm: Oh, no! Konan! Road Dogg!

Storm races off and returns to the farm... only to see Konan and Road Dogg on the television jobbing to Essa Rios and K-Kwik on Jakked.
Storm: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Storm returns to Flair, Tony and Stevie, who have just finished burying the cruiserweights (a feeling not that unfamiliar to them).
Storm: They got Konan and Road Dogg!
Flair: See? See that, Storm? WOOO! Now you know we must—Wooo—beat Vince McMahon at his own game! WOOO!

They arrive at just outside of Nitro.
Flair: WCW.... You will never find a greater hive of men with no workrate and no drawing power. Don't let them get to you, kid.
William Regal: Excuse me, gentlemen. You wouldn't perchance be going to Nitro would you? If so, I'm afraid you must give the announcers to me!
Tony: It's the greatest Television Champion of All Time!!! LORD STEVEN REGAL IS HERE TONIGHT!!
Stevie: My brotha is the World Heavyweight Champion, Tony!
Flair: No! It's a trap. REGAL! You work for the enemy—Wooo!—you work for the enemy now. No dice.
Regal: That's it. I didn't want to have to resort to violence.
Flair: Uh-uh. It's not going down like that! You will job to me tonight — Wooo! I've got the book, son!
Regal: Dammit! Mr. McMahon will hear of this.
Flair: You tell Vince I said hello! WOOOO! Lance, let's go find some back up....

The group cautiously approaches the high school that Nitro will be taping in.

Terry Taylor:
Ric Flair? Lance Storm? Good to see you, guys. Listen. Tony and Stevie, can't come back here...
Flair: Why not?
Taylor: No announcers in the locker room. Sorry.
Storm: Fine. Tony, Stevie, stay here while we go in, all right?
As Flair goes off in search of hired hands for their group, Lance wanders over to catering.
Scott Steiner: Hey! Don'chu touch that, or the man with the largest arms in the world will make you scream his name, and all his freaks will hear you cry, "Don't hurt me, Big Bad Booty Daddy! Don't hurt me!"
DDP: Believe him! I know. BANG!!
Steiner: Shuttup, bitch.
DDP: Yes, sir.
Storm: I don't want any problems. I just want a Snickers; I'm hungry.
Steiner: You don't know when to shut up do ya? I'm wanted for beating up fans in every state from here to Florida!
Flair returns to find Storm in the grasp of Scott Steiner.
Flair: Scotty. Let him go.
Steiner: Up yours, Flair!

Flair chops Steiner. (Wooo!) Steiner no-sells.

Oh my god!! A fight! Run for your lives!!
DISQO overturns the catering table and cowers behind it. Flair chops Steiner again. This time, Steiner sells it and goes down.
Flair: Who do you think you are? Kronik? I don't think so, pal. You sell when I hit you, Fat Boy! Lance, I'd like you to meet our new business partners. Dubba J, Jeff Jarrett, and the meanest toughest sumbitch you'll ever meet! Wooo!
Storm: Oh, God. Don't tell me it's Road Warrior Animal.
Awesome: Grrrr!
Storm: Mike Awesome? Well... better than Animal.
Jarrett: Shut up, slappy. Now of course, there is the issue of payment.
Flair: I will give you $100 dollars and a night with—Wooo!—my almost-daughter-in-law, Miss Hancock.
Storm: We can't give them Miss Hancock. We don't even know where she is. And isn't she pregnant with Vince Russo's love child?
Flair: Stuff it, Lance, the Naitcha Boy is trying to deal, here.
Jarrett: Sounds good, Flair. I'll come with you.
Storm: What do you even have to offer?
Jarrett: I'll can take the Nielsen from a 1.4 to a 2.1 in two 15-minute segments.
Storm: So can Dusty Rhodes, and I bet he works a lot cheaper.
Dusty: Clubberin'. We be clubberin'. (Dusty grabs his crotch)
Storm: God. Never mind.
Jarrett: My rental is parked in the "Bunny Lot."
Awesome: RRRRrrrrBunnies!!
Flair: Fine. We'll meet you there.
Suddenly WWF talent rushes the locker room!
X-Pac: Ok, which of you jerk-offs has Tony and Stevie? Huh? Which one?
Storm and Flair sneak out the back, circling around front to pick up Tony and Stevie.
DDP: It was... aw geez... where'd they go? They were with Jarrett and Awesome!
X-Pac: Is that true, Jeff?
Jarrett: Come on, X-Pac. Would I do anything like that to my old buddies in the WWF? I just came to WCW to be the champion. Nothin' to do with J.R. — that slappy.
X-Pac: You're right. What was I thinking? I'm sorry.
X-Pac leaves as does Awesome. As Jarrett gathers up his guitar, Little Guido walks in.
Guido: Eyyy! Jarrett. Paul E.'s lookin' for you!
Jarrett: I told you. I don't deal with third-rate, slappy bookers, slappy.
Guido: Yeah, well then Paul E. told me to break your knee caps!
Vito: Eyyy! Guido!
Guido: (Turning to look at Vito) Eyyy! Vit—

Jarrett hits Guido over the head with the guitar.

Two-bit comedy-act slappy. Thanks, Vito.
Vito: Fuhgeddaboudit. Thank you for selling for me.
Jarrett exits.



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