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Episode IV: A New Hope (Part Two)

May 13, 2004

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com



At Titan Towers things don't look so good for WCW. The WWF is holding a booking meeting to see how they are going to counter this week's Nitro. Around the table sit Bruce Pritchard, HHH, Stephanie McMahon, Jim Ross, and a smallish man in a lucha mask.
Bruce Pritchard: We could... um... push some of the smaller guys. You know, Jericho, Benoit, Tazz...
HHH: Big Show ate Tazz. And as for Jericho and Benoit, don't be ridiculous. They'll never draw like me.
Lucha: Yeah! They can't draw like Huntah! I say we book a' eight-way lesbian battle royal for the WWF title in a bowl a jello. Last woman ta orgasm wins the f'in' World Title! Then betta yet, we could have Mae and Moolah do a run in.
JR: Hey! Who are you?
Lucha: I'm... uh... El Lucha Libre, famed Mexican supastah turned porn video store own... I mean wrestling writah.
HHH: (Ripping the mask off Russo) Get your ass out of here, Russo.
Russo: HEY! Don't you tell me what ta do! I made you, Huntah! You weren't nothin' until I came up with DX! Then I made you a stah! You ain't nothin' without me!
HHH pedigrees Russo.
JR: Pedigree! That damn Cerebral Assassin! He's an assassin that's cerebral, I tell ya!
Stephanie: Thank you... uh... Hunter. Now, as I was saying... um... LINE!
JR: Oh god. "This angle I have written..."
Stephanie: Oh, right. This angle I have written will end WCW once and for all.
Pritchard: But, won't the stockholders revolt? I mean we're talking monopoly here.
DISQO: No, Monopoly is the little game with the horsey! Hahahahahah!!
HHH: Um, DISQO, you're trying to be comic relief at the wrong meeting.
DISQO: Whoops, sorry.
Stephanie: Right. Well... um... the stockholders won't be a problem. (she beams because she said that one without any help)
Pritchard: Why wouldn't they?
Stephanie: Um... because... um—
JR: Aw, geez. "Because Daddy bought..."
Stephanie: Because daddy bought all the stock back. He's the only stockholder now.
JR: This is worse than an XFL player trying to make a fair catch. There ain't no fair catches in the XFL, folks.

Meanwhile at the Bunny Lot, Mike Awesome and Jarrett hang back, seeing a chubby guy in a hat and several haggard-looking wrestlers standing near his rental.
Heyman: Come out of there, Jarrett! I know you're in there!! Quit hiding under the back seat like an f'n pansy. Come out and get EXTREME!!
Jarrett: I'm over here, Paul.
Heyman: Well, of course you are. Listen, about what happened to Guido—
Jarrett: I blasted him with a guitar, slappy. He was slappin' where he shouldn't.
Heyman: Right. Well, you know that I'm down to my last few workers, and these guys — let's keep this between us — they haven't been paid since 1995, and some of them are beginning to get suspicious, that I'm, you know, broke.
Jarrett: No shit, Slap Nuts.
Heyman: Listen, I just want you to work the May PPV. Give RVD a little rub, and then I could get myself a TV deal. Hey, I could even get a little side job for your buddy here.... What do you say, Mike? Wanna come back and work for Uncle Paul?
Heyman: No! No! I'd put you over Tommy! In a flaming tables match! Yeah!
Tommy: (from a wheel chair) But Paul!—
Heyman: Tommy, you know to keep quiet while I'm dealing!
Tommy: Sorry, sir.
Heyman: That's right. Now, Jeff, to sweeten the deal, I'll give you the EXCLUSIVE Dawn Marie shower photos, absolutely free.
Jarrett: Let me get this straight, you want me to give the rub to a guy who doesn't even work for you anymore—
Heyman: Right—
Jarrett: For a bunch of pictures that you already put out on your website—
Heyman: I know we'd see things the same way!! EC F'N W IS BACK!!

Dreamer leads the boys in a half-hearted "E-C-Dub" chant.

You've gotta be kidding me. Ugh. Let's get out of here, Mike.
Heyman: Dammit. Okay, guys, let's go talk to the "Home Shopping Network." Maybe we can get a deal doing run-ins during the "Wooden Jewelry Hour."
Everybody but Dreamer: Ugh.
Dreamer: Yeah! EC F'N W BABY!!
Exit the ECW guys. Enter Lance and Ric along with Stevie and Tony.
Storm: What a piece-of-crap rental car.
Jarrett: Hey! If you think that this sweet 1983 Volkswagen station wagon that WCW sprung for is crap, Slappy McSlapperslap, then... um.... Just get in.
X-Pac: There they are! I can't believe you lied to me, Jeff! Well, SUCK IT!!!
Jarrett: Hurry! Get in!!
Jeff and X-Pac trade rights while Ric, Awesome, Lance, Stevie and Tony pile into the car. Jeff hits a suplex, jumps into the car, and peels away.
Edge: This totally reeks of heinosity. Those reekazoids are getting away!
Christian: You said it, brother. I can't believe they got away from X-Pac. He is totally coolerific.
Edge: That catchphrase totally sucked the proverbial bone. Let's go get sodas.
Christian: Soda's RULE!! (They high five.)

Meanwhile, on the way to Atlanta, Jeff is having some trouble.

Jarrett: Aw geez. I can't switch gears! It's gunked up by something!
Tony: It may be because Stevie just spilled the largest drink in the history of gas-station drinks on the stick!
Stevie: Jeff Jarrett?! What's he doin' here, Tony?!
Awesome: GRRR!!
Ric Flair: Jarrett! JARRETT! Hurry up! There's some WWF Semis coming this way!
Jarrett: I see them! Hold on!
Jarrett is finally able to get out of first gear and speeds away from the semis.

Meanwhile, at an undisclosed hotel in Atlanta, HHH stands with Eric Bischoff as Stephanie and J.R. plan the doom of WCW.
Bischoff: Stephanie?!? I'm getting beaten by Stephanie?!?! God....
Stephanie: Shut up, Eric! Now what should I wear for the death of WCW?
HHH: Why don't you just wear a shirt and no bra. That usually works for you.
Stephanie: Yeah, but I think I'm going WITH the bra this time...
Everyone stares at her in shock.
Stephanie: Oh, fine. I'll just go without. Now, Eric, I want you to tell me, where's the next WCW Pay Per View going to be?
Bischoff: I'm not going to tell YOU! Hahahahah! Take that, bitch!

HHH slaps Bischoff in the back of the head.

Fine if you're not going to tell us then we'll just... um... just...
JR: (rolling his eyes) "We'll just ruin you here in your home base." (Bischoff buries his head in his hands.)  
Stephanie: —ruin you in your home base! Yeah! We'll take away all the drawing power you have left right here in your backyard!
Bischoff: But, Turner will take us off TBS! We'll lose Thunder and I-Watch Wednesdays!!
Stephanie: Well, I'll spare Atlanta if you... um...
JR: "Don't tell me how great my acting is."
Stephanie: We'll spare Atlanta if you don't tell me how great my acting is.

HHH smacks J.R. on the back of the head.
HHH: What she means is, we'll give you Atlanta, if you tell us where Nitro is tonight.
Bischoff stares off into the distance for a few seconds, thinking of all the great moments that he once had here. Filling the Georgia Dome for Goldberg v. Hogan. Monster Trucks. Nitro tapings that actually drew good ratings. Pay Per Views that had buyrates.
Bischoff: Biloxi.... (weeping) Nitro's in Biloxi....
Stephanie: There. See? I told you that my breasts could make a man do anything I told him to. Now let's destroy WCW's draw in Atlanta. Then program a Rock promo to start RAW.

The WWF books a Hardy Boyz appearance a few blocks from WCW's On-Sale in Atlanta. WCW only sells one ticket. That was to Hawk, who was hoping that he could get a job forming LOD 3000 with Animal. Or perhaps main event a Pay Per View against him. Nitro's opener of Kwee Wee v. Cat does a .000001 v. RAW's 1-hour 20-minute Rock promo, which does a 6.3. Bob Ryder calls WWF's numbers "disappointing," but notes that Nitro's numbers showed a significant climb over last week's .00000000000000001 for an hour-long Kevin Nash promo about Scott Hall's weekend.
Bischoff: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, on the road to Atlanta, Ric Flair has just had a heart attack.
Storm: Ric! Are you okay?
Flair: GACK!!!! Wait. Yeah. Just an old angle coming back to me. Sorry. Wooo! Now let's practice booking a good card.
Lance begins writing. When he's finished, everyone in the car begins laughing.
Storm: What's wrong?
Jarrett: You just booked Norman Smiley to go over you in the opening match.
Storm: Well, yeah, I just figured that he's over; he's entertaining. He could use a little push.
Flair: Kid. You're missing the whole point of being a wrestler/booker. Here's how I would have booked it. I go over Scott Steiner in the main event.
Storm: But wait... didn't you tell me not to abuse the book?
Flair: Wait!—Wooo!—then I'd have him get his heat back by squashing 35 cruiserweights in 11 seconds! WOOO!
Jarrett: Now you're talking! I'd just hit some slappy with my guitar and call Gene a Jurassic Slapass. That'll get my heat back!
Flair: You got it, Jarrett!
Awesome: Awesome win match!!
Flair: There. See? Even Mike gets it.
While Storm mulls over this, the gang reaches Atlanta. The WCW banners are gone from WCW Headquarters, Nitro from Atlanta in a few weeks has been canceled.
Tony: My God! Lookit the carnage! What's happened here?
Flair: The WWF. The sound of a million TVs flipping past Nitro, and turning to RAW.... They've destroyed our drawing power here.
Stevie: Yaks from Yak University, Tony!

Suddenly, Jarrett sees a car with Raven and a "mystery woman" in it driving away.

Hey, slappys! There goes some of those WWF, slappys!!

Some good ol' chasin' music plays as the WCW Six chase Raven and the "mystery woman" all the way to Stamford, CN.

There it is! WWF Headquarters! Let's go in there and get that idiot Vince McSlappy!
Flair: Jarrett! JARRETT!! Are you stupid?!?! There are other ways of getting in...
The gang approach Titan Towers dressed in costumes.
Steve Blackman: I can't believe I'm stuck on guard duty for that prima donna, Hunter. I'm the lethal weapon, dammit. It's party time. I can get excited. Watch: this is my house.
Elix Skipper: No, it's not! This is MY HOUSE! I BUILT THIS HOUSE!!

Blackman canes Skipper.

Steve Blackman:
Now how can I help you gentleman.
Flair: We're from—wh—um... ECW. We're looking for contracts.
Steve Blackman: Does J.R. know you're here?
Storm: No. We... uh... just decided to come here today.
Steve Blackman: Can I get your names?
Flair: Sure. I'm Don —WOOO—er... I mean, Don Callis. Smell my biting smart humor! TNN SUCKS!! ROOOOLLLLERJAM!!!
Storm: I am Little Guido. Where is my pizza?
Jeff Jarrett: I'm Danny Doring, slappy. Careful I don't slap you with my Danna—slappy.
Awesome: CHICKENS!!!!!!!!!!! GRRR!
Steve Blackman: Wow. You've lost a lot of weight, Roadkill.
Tony: I'm Joey Styles. The greatest announcer in the history of announcers except for Tony Schiavone!
Steve Blackman: Riiiight.... And you?
Stevie: Froot Bootie! Froot Bootie!
Flair: That's... uh... Joel Gertner. He's just not feeling well.
Steve Blackman: But, he's black.
Flair: Are you calling Cyrus a liar, Fat Boy?
Steve Blackman: Whatever. They don't pay me enough to argue. I'll tell J.R. you're here. Until then, help yourself to some complimentary "WWF The Magazine" t-shirts.

They enter Titan Towers, put on the stylish t-shirts and duck into the old "Los Super Astros" set. Dust is quickly collecting. Max Mini sits, forgotten in the corner.

J — J.R.? Am... am... I on... Jakked... yet?
Big Show ducks in and devours Max Mini, and skips merrily away, not noticing the six men standing behind the unsold life-size cutouts of "Papi Chulo."
Storm: Now what? We're here.
Flair: I've got it! I'll find out what the XFL lost last week and e-mail it to all the stock holders. That'll provide a distraction while you find out what happened to Bischoff.
Flair exits in search of the documents room.
Jarrett: I'm tired of all this slappin' around. Why do we want to find Bischoff anyway? He can't give us those big-money contracts anymore.
Storm: Because, if somehow we can sabotage the WWF, then we can start to win the war again. And you know what happens then? Endorsements. Shoes, pizza, you name it.
Jarrett: You mean I could do another TracFone Ad?
Storm: Or that. Sure, Jeff.
Tony: Stevie's found out where Eric Bischoff is. Stevie did it. What a shocking swerve! It's all here on this monitor!
Storm: Hey! He is on the monitor. He's being held somewhere on the Livewire set. Let's go! Stevie, Tony, stay here and wait. If anyone comes in, say you're the Spanish announcers. Here's a TracFone; keep it with you.
Storm, Jarrett and Awesome exit.



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