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Episode IV: A New Hope (Part Three)

May 14, 2004

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com



Meanwhile, Ric Flair is WALKING!
Elsewhere, HHH is talking to Steve Blackman....
HHH: Ross told me to come down here and scare off some ECW guys. Where are they?
Steve Blackman: I told them to go in and grab some t-shirts. They should be in the lobby. Something was odd. Doesn't Don Callis have long brown hair?
HHH: Yeah?
Steve Blackman: He must have cut it short and bleached it white, then. Huh.
HHH: Short white hair? Shit....
HHH exits.
Steve Blackman: I've got more charisma in my left nunchuku than he does in his whole body. I should be main-eventing Pay Per Views. Damn him for ending my great feud with Al Snow. I was so over.
Meanwhile, Ric Flair is still WALKING.

The rest of the WCW Six has found the
Livewire set. A very bored-looking Dean Malenko sits in a chair.
Malenko: Hey, guys! I didn't know we signed you! Shoot, they'll probably put you in the Radicalz with me. That means less of a cut of Radicalz merchandise. Man. Have you guys seen Michael Cole? We were supposed to do a thing for Livewire about how I use lifts to increase my height to five foot, but I haven't seen him.
Awesome powerbombs Malenko and his chair through the floor. Storm looks at Jarrett, who just shrugs.
Storm: Well... umm... okay. I'll look over this way, behind the monitors. Mike, you go over to the camera pit. Jeff, stay here unless Cole comes.
While Storm and Awesome leave, the phone begins ringing.
Jarrett: Um... hello?
Benoit: Hi, is Dean there?
Jarrett: (gravelly voice) Yeah, I'm right here, Chris.
Benoit: HEY! I know that voice. Jarrett! Come back to job to Chyna in "House Keeping" matches, eh?
Jarrett: Dammit, Slappy Benoit! I carried your slappy ass in those bunkhouse matches!
Benoit: Wait a minute... where's Dean?

Jarrett slams down the phone.

Jarrett: Shit! Lance! Hurry up! Benoit knows we're here!!!

Storm begins digging through the boxes of "Steve Austin Bendy Straws" to find where they've hidden Bischoff.
Bischoff: Hey! Who're you? You're too short to be an upper-carder. Say, are you wrestling on Metal?
Storm: I wish! No, I'm Lance Storm and I'm from Calgary... Alberta, Canada. I'm here with Ric Flair.
Bischoff: Flair? Where is he?
Just then, the door bursts open and Perry Saturn, K-Kwik and Too Cool rush through.
K-Kwik: Somebody say "Move Tha Thing!

The WCW guys start fighting back, but it's looking grim. Suddenly Bischoff has an idea!

Lance! Mike! Jeff! Through here!
Storm: The garbage chute? That's not very original, Eric.
Bischoff: You're getting killed. Let's just get down there.
The gang jumps down the garbage chute and land in a huge dumpster outside Titan Towers.
Lance: Look at all this crap! The Austin 3:16 Alarm clock: "No Matter What Time It Is, It's Always 3:16!" A Rock Calendar: "It Doesn't Matter What Day It Is!" for all 365 days of the year.
Jarrett: Ooo! Even some really good collectibles. A Beaver Cleavage bobble-head doll. A Kane Doll that changes from face to heel when you pull his string. A Chris Jericho action figure that doesn't miss spots. Hey! A life-sized Vic Venom doll!
Russo: I'm not a doll, Jarrett. I made you tha champ! Have a bit more respect!
Jarrett: Yeah, but then you asked me to drop it to Bertha Faye.
Russo: She's a fat chick! It woulda been funny. A fat chick world champ! It woulda been ratings GOLD, Jarrett! Ya can't buy an angle like that. Then I woulda swerved everybody and put the title on Judy Bagwell! Then Judy would have a menage-a-trois on Nitro with Scott Hall and a midget. We coulda hired TAZZ! I'm a fucking genius!!!
Storm: Riiiiiiight.

Meanwhile, Ric Flair has found the XFL report and mailed it to the stockholders. WWF stock plummets 12 points, then gains them all back, then loses them, then gains them. Ric Flair begins WALKING.

In a WWF Office....
HHH: Steph, Ric Flair is here!
Stephanie: Really? He's kind of old.... Oh! I've got it! We'll do a gimmick where I'm banging him to make daddy jealous with him banging Trish and all. Ummm... then, we'll do an angle with Vince and Flair falling in love and skipping through a field of roses.
Hunter kicks over the desk to find Pat Patterson there whispering.
HHH: Get out of here, Patterson.
Patterson: Geez, Hunter, I'm just trying to book a good angle.

Angle: Esse?!? Esse Rios? Are you in here?
Angle: Who are you?
Tony: Umm... we're the Spanish Announcers. Que latrina es?
Angle: Whatever. Have you seen, Esse Rios?
Stevie: He's goin' to the top, Tony!
Angle: Thanks, but my name's not "Tony." Say, why are our Spanish announcers a fat white guy and a big black guy?
Stevie spots an old copy of WWF Magazine.
Stevie: Kwang! It's Kwang!!
Tony: I think we should be going. Stevie... I mean, Pedro, let's go to the gift shop for a little bit.
Stevie and Tony leave a very puzzled Kurt Angle, and a vibrating cell phone behind.
Storm: They're not answering.
Bischoff: Hey, are you dialing right? Try speed dial!
Storm hits the speed dial on the cell phone.
Jimmy Baron: This is Jimmy Baron with WCW Road Report. I made it all the way over here to Antarctica, but the scientists tell me that there's no Nitro scheduled for here. I'm freezing! What's going on!?!?!
Storm: Um... er... stay there. We'll let you know.
Baron: This isn't about all the times I tried calling in to Nitro and Thunder collect is it? I'm sorry! HELP ME! THE PENGUINS ARE TRYING TO KILL ME!!!

Storm hangs up. Suddenly, a truck pulls up to the dumpster.

Duke Droese:
Live the gimmick. That's what Vince always said. That's why he fired me. I wasn't "living the gimmick." Well, I'm ready to show Vince that I can live the gimmick! I'm ready to come back! I'm ready to be a star. I'm ready to empty your trash!
Bischoff: Droese! DROESE!! Don't you come near us! Everybody knows that all you need to do to get pushed in the WWF is rub the right executives the right way. (he winks) Blow them away! Suck up! (he winks again)
Droese: (to himself) Live the gimmick, Duke. Live the gimmick.
Duke slams the lid shut and locks it. Storm frantically begins dialing again.

Meanwhile, at the Los SuperAstros set....
Tony: Boy, that was a close one, Stevie Ray! We almost got killed by Kurt Angle!
Stevie: Ten-time tag-team champions, Tony!
The cell phone begins vibrating again.
Tony: This reminds me of that funny noise in my bedroom.... Hey! It's the phone! Pick it up, Stevie!
Stevie: (picking up the phone) Suckas gots to know!
Storm: Thank, God! Stevie! Come down here and help us! We're in the dumpster by the loading docks.
Stevie: Tony! Tony!

Stevie runs out and hits Duke with the slapjack. Duke doesn't sell. Stevie shoot-kicks Duke in the balls.
Droese: OWW!! HEY!! That's not upholding kayfabe! Shit! I said "kayfabe"! That's not living the gimmick! Dammit! Now McMahon will never hire me. I've gotta go back to working high schools in Florida.
Duke climbs into his garbage truck and begins driving back to Miami.
Jarrett: Thanks for saving us there, slappy! Now let's slap on out of here. Where's Flair?

Flair is in a corridor strutting, after having temporarily gotten the better of McMahon.
HHH: Is that right, Flair? Well I AM THE GAME. And I am that damn good!
Flair: Oh yeah! Well I told the stockholders about your little XFL!
HHH: There are no more stockholders, you old fool.
Flair: That's the same thing I told your old lady as I was taking her for a ride on Space Mountain ALL NIGHT LONG!—WOOOO!
HHH: Face it, old man, you can't hang with me any more.
Flair: Is that right, Fat Boy? Well tonight! Right here! I'm going to challenge you! Tonight the WWF is going down. I'm going over you, boy!
HHH: I don't think so, Flair. I'm the master of politics in booking! I'm going over.
Flair: Uh, uh! You're tapping out to the figure—WOOO!—Four.
HHH: No, no, no, no. I'll reach the ropes. Then I'll Pedigree you!
Flair: Dammit! Wait. Foot on the ropes!
Triple H begins seething. Meanwhile, nearby....
Nash: You know, Hunter's really getting good at this politics thing.
Hall: Yeah, but shouldn't you be cheering for Flair? I mean you work for WCW.
Nash: But what about the Kliq, Scotty?
Hall: Oh, yeah. Pass the tequila.
Nash: Don't you think that you should stop drinking?
Hall: Hey, I'll stop when the party stops.
Nash: Party? What party?
Hall: The one down there.
Nash: Down where?
Hall: (doing the crotch chop) Down there!
Hall and Nash high five. Somewhere, Bret Hart and Bill Goldberg are deeply offended. Elsewhere, the gang is now wandering the halls of Titan Towers.
Bischoff: Flair? Ric?!
Russo: Flaiya?! FLAIYA?! I want to screw ya dauta, Ric! (Out of nowhere, Kanyon runs in and Diamond Cuts Russo.) 
Kanyon: BANG!
Kanyon exits.
Jarrett: I think I just saw Al Snow going down that hall. I'm going to go slap that slappy. Come on, Mike.
Jarrett and Awesome go running after Al Snow.
Bischoff: Shit! Jarrett, Awesome! Get back here! Dammit. Let's go try to find Flair.
Storm: Um... boss... we've got a problem...
Rounding the corner is Kai En Tai.
Bischoff: Geez, Lance, It's just Kai En Tai.
Taka: I'm sure by now, you silly fools know that we aren't JUST KAI EN TAI, We are EEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLL!
Funaki: INDEED!
Storm and Bischoff have no trouble fending off Kai En Tai, however, eventually they get backed up to a dead end. Suddenly, Edge and Christian run out and nail Storm with a "Con-chair-to."
Edge: Rock on! We totally showed fellow Canadian Lance Storm!
Christian: That totally reeks of awesomeness!
La Parka: Ok, that does it! I was willing to sit and watch Kai En Tai steal my gimmick, but by the EEEEEVIIIIIL Skull of Skeletor, I'm not going to let you do my chair gimmick any more! Then, when I'm done, I'll pour two, one for me and one for my HOMIEZ!!
La Parka doles out chairshots to E+C and Kai En Tai, and Bischoff and Storm run off to find Flair. As they approach the lobby, they run into Jarrett and Awesome.
Jarrett: Hey, slappys!
Bischoff: What happened with you and Snow?
Jarrett: Oh, never mind, it was just Patterson in a wig.
Bischoff: Oh.
Storm: My God! It's Ric!!
The gang turns to see Flair and Triple H arguing over the stipulations of their match.
HHH: It'll be a retirement match!
Flair: Fine! But it'll be FIRST—Wooo!—BLOOD!!
HHH: Fine. But the heels always win first-blood matches. We'll both open each other up, but the ref'll see you bleeding first. Then, I'll win. You retire.
Flair: No! No! DUSTY FINISH!! I'll have a second ref run out and reverse the decision!
HHH: Fine, I'll have the first ref restart the match! Standard rules. Pedigree, pin. You're too old to hang with me, Ric.
Flair: Dammit! DAMMIT!!! Fine, Hunter. You got me. I'm retired. Bischoff! I quit. Hear me, Bischoff?! I QUIT! I'm sick of this damn business. I'm gonna go run for governor of North Carolina again. WOOO!
Flair walks off muttering to himself about "Lt. Governor Arn Anderson."
Bischoff: Shit! Flair's gone crazy again!
HHH: Now, I'm gonna beat your ass too, Bischoff...
La Parka whacks HHH over the head with the chair, and begins dancing.
Storm: Let's go!!
The WCW gang run off to their rental with Tony and Stevie waddling after them.
Tony: This has been the most exciting adventure in the history of adventures! Stay tuned for more right after this!!
Stevie: What's with all them yaks, Tony?

• Weider Muscle Builder. HHH and a young boy discuss the fruits of standing half-naked in a locker room.
• XFL: They Hate We.
• WCW:
The Revenge of Greedy Sins. You'll never believe what will happen when we change our voiceovers for Pay Per Views.

The gang has reached Nitro in Minneapolis just in time for the pre-Nitro meeting.
Johnny Ace: Aw, man. Bischoff? Does that mean I'm not the booker anymore?
Bischoff: Sorry, Johnny. Stevie here has a copy of the plans for the WWF's ultimate gimmick. I fear that the WWF's been following us, so we don't have much time to counter-program.
A booking meeting is called to rewrite Nitro just hours before Nitro starts (something that the workers are quite used to). When it's over, a trembling Terry Taylor comes out to make a statement to the boys.
Taylor: We're screwed. Sorry, boys. We might as well just truck me out there as the Red Rooster and Chavo out as the Gobbledy Gooker and have a turkey-on-a-pole match for the hour against RAW.
Crowd: Shut up, Russo.
Taylor: Just to give you the magnitude, I've read the plans, and if it happens, this gimmick could get Billy Gunn over.
Many in the crowd begin weeping. Some ask if "that ECW" thing is still around. Somewhere, Tommy Dreamer is chanting ECW in his hospital bed.
Storm: How do we stop it?
Taylor: There's only one thing we CAN do. See, the gimmick is written to counter all of our heavyweight "star power" with, you know, good storytelling. But if we were somehow able to counter-program, you know, wrestling, then I think we could do it!
Rick Steiner: That's impossible! No one wants to see a bunch of pansies out there doing flips. They want to see me out there blowing up five seconds into a match and saying, "You want some? Come get some. You don't like me? Bite me!"
Storm: It's not impossible. In Japan, good matches draw really well.
Ace: He's right!
Storm: Sure, it'll take some time...
Russo: Don't buy that "takin' time" shit! I just used it when I was sca-yad! He's sca-yad just like I was! I say we put the cruiserweight title on RALPHUS!! Hahahahahaha! I'm a fuckin' genius!!
Crowd: Shut up, Russo!
Taylor: So tonight, Nash, Steiners, Luger... step aside and let the Kidmans, the O'Haires, and the Storms of this world show you how it's done.

Minutes before Nitro begins....
Storm: Jeff, Mike. Where are you guys going? We could use your drawing power.
Jarrett: Listen, slappy, Awesome and I just found out that we're jobbing tonight. We don't like that. So instead, we're goin' to try to get ECW back. If that don't work we'll feud with the Dupps in dark matches. See ya later, Slappy!
Storm: Dammit. Now what?

Nitro begins with the announcement that anyone who hasn't had a good match in the last ten years has been fired. That leaves the company with about one-third of it's former roster. They spend an hour on a (newly dug-up) cruiserweight battle royal. It draws good numbers. RAW starts with Austin sitting in a chair drinking beer for fifteen minutes.
RAW 5.5, Nitro 1.2

HHH: Holy shit! Nitro drew a full point?! That's it! Put me in the last quarter. I'll beat their asses!
Pritchard: You know, Stephanie. I think that they might have something here. Maybe we should unleash the fury of the ultimate gimmick, now.
Stephanie: No. Not yet. Let's let Hunter do the last head-to-head quarter-hour against Rock.
Pritchard: Again? Oh Man....

Meanwhile, Nitro programs a kickass fifteen-minute Kanyon v. Hugh Morris v. O'Haire match for the U.S. Title. RAW counters with a segment where Rock and Kevin Kelly visit the hospital so that Kevin can finally conclusively prove that he's not a hermaphrodite.
RAW 4.2, Nitro 2.5

In quarter-hour #3, RAW throws out 15 minutes of XFL Commercials. Nitro counters with Chavo Guerrero v. Crowbar and the return of Booker T.
RAW 3.6, Nitro 3.1

Stephanie: Last quarter-hour in the head-to-head, Hunter. First match of the night. If it doesn't work, we're going to do the Ultimate Gimmick next. Rock's still at the hospital thought... so... um...
HHH: I'll work Big Show and Billy.
Pritchard: NO!!!
Stephanie: All right! Big Show v. Hunter v. Billy Gunn!!

The main event for Nitro is announced as Booker T. v. Lance Storm.
Storm: I don't want the belt.
Bischoff: Sure you do! We're actually going to win tonight! I just need you to have a good match. Maybe our Pay Per View will actually have a buyrate!
Storm: But...
Flair: Do it, kid!
Storm: Ric Flair?!?
Flair: Shhh! They can't hear me! Only you can.
Storm: What the fuck kind of sense does that make?
Flair: Kid, let me ask you something. How long did you hang out with Konnan and Road Dogg? How many times did you wrestle Van Dam?
Storm: I see your point.

In the last head-to-head quarter-hour of the night, RAW's match of Billy Gunn v. HHH v. Big Show never really started, as Gunn blew up walking to the ring and just kind of lay there throughout the match; then it stopped about halfway through when Tazz choked out Big Show from inside, releasing Max Mini, and (oddly enough) Mark Henry. Tazz cut a great promo about being a "t'ug," but everyone watching was preoccupied noticing that Max Mini was about a foot and a half taller than Tazz. Meanwhile, Storm and Booker had a good match that was made even better by the shocking return of Jeff Jarrett and Mike Awesome, who'd been missing for the last several weeks. Storm went over Booker clean, and he and Jarrett brawled with Awesome and Booker.

RAW: 3.5, Nitro 3.7
Oh my God!! WE WON A QUARTER-HOUR!! I'm the GOD of wrestling!

Meanwhile over at RAW, Rock hadn't gotten back in time for the rest of the show; Austin was found passed out with an empty cooler next to him, and HHH was crying about his segment getting beat. So Stephanie, in all of her ultimate wisdom, conferred the Ultimate Gimmick on the feud between herself and Trish Stratus. No one but Jerry Lawler and Vince Russo was impressed — although Russo thought that they should have added Judy Bagwell to the mix. Meanwhile, over at Nitro, Eric Bischoff was about to reward everyone for all their hard work.
Bischoff: Well, we did it! Like I said before, it's ON now, Vince! But I'd like to give special recognition to the three people who helped us out-draw RAW in the last quarter-hour. Kevin Nash, Rick Steiner, and Hulk Hogan, come on up here! The t-shirt commercials that you were in during that quarter-hour were just awesome, and I think totally blew the viewers away! I'm sorry I ever doubted your drawing power. Next week, I'm going to have an even better final quarter-hour! Nash/Steiner/Page/Hogan v. The Cat/Goldberg/Steiner/Dustin Rhodes. Hell Yeah! Then we'll reform the nWo. It's on, Vince!!
Crowd: Groan.
Tony: It's a NEW DAY for WCW!!
Stevie: Tony, Tony, Can I ax you a question?

So, the vicious cycle continues.


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