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RAW SATIRE    
Tasty Turnbuckles, Toasty Todd, and Ummm...
Probably Some Other T-Words, Too   

June 1, 2004

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week:  Triple H and Shawn Michaels ran around the arena for a while and Eric Bischoff was NOT HAPPY.  Chris Jericho did…uh…something involving his back and a table.  And Kane got Lita to give him some lovin’.

(Opening Credits)

La Resistance v. Team CHARISMA~!
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

All four men are supposed to be CANADIAN~! because we are in CANADIAN LAND~!  We’re also in Montreal, so La Resistance gets huge face heat, despite the fact that Conway is from, like, Hoboken, and Grenier is from…uh…France…right?  He’s still supposed to be from France?  Edge tries some pineapple flavored offense, but the crowd doesn’t care.  Benoit locks in the Sharpshooter, and everyone cheers because BRET HART BRET HART BRET HART YOU SON OF A BITCH…woah…woah…wait a second.  Bret Hart?!  Let’s go to commercial and forget about that cracker.

(ads)

Sylvan locks in the CHINLOCK~!  The crowd goes nuts.  Damn.  What the hell kind of bizzaro world did I enter into?  Isn’t this guy main-eventing soon?  Why is he in this fricking match?  Benoit is on defense.  Call him Chris Ben Wallace.  That joke is probably the last one I’ll ever throw out there to my NBA homies.  Edge flips out and beats the crap out of Benoit.  The crowd boos and Edge is elated to finally get a response.  So elated that he misses himself getting pinned.  Damn.

(ads)

The crowd drools all over itself as La Resistance tries to search out some popcorn.

Todd Grisham is standing by with Randy Orton

TG:  Randy, how do you plan on not sucking tonight?
RO:  I’m going to fight my good friend Shelton Benjamin.
TG:  I thought you hated Shelton Benjamin.
RO:  No.  I think he’s a great guy.  Later, we’re renting a paddle boat together.
TG:  And you don’t want to not fight him?
RO:  That’s silly talk.
TG:  What of Triple H?
HHH:  Randy and I were just going to go hit the local drinking establishments together.
TG:  NO!  NO!  YOU HATE EACHOTHER!
HHH:  What the hell is this guy talking about young Randall?
RO:  I dunno, Hunter, ol’ pal.

Grisham runs screaming from the room.

RO:   Ok.  Well…let’s go hit the bars.
HHH:  Shut up, dumbass.
RO:  Aren’t we best buds, Jean-Paul?
HHH:  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!

Now, backstage to Eric Bischoff’s office and William Regal.

WR:  Why are we still doing this?
EB:  What?

WR:  Putting up with Eugene.
EB:  The bastard is my sister’s son.  That bitch is keeping him on TV…hold on, that’s my cell… 

Eugene wanders in.

EG:  Hello, gentlemen.  How are you all doing?
WR:  For god sakes, boy, zip up your trousers.

EG:  I was…uh…I….

EB:  Ugh…You were frickin’ watching the tape of you and Benoit teaming again.

EG:  Err…Yes.
WR:  Ugh.
JC:  Hey, baby!  It’s me!  The Coach!
WR:  Huh?!

JC:  I’m just getting as much face time as possible while I still have hair.
EG:  You are all pitiful wretches.

JC:  That’s it, I’ll see YOU in the ring.

….

JC:  Uh…right now.
EG:  Oh.  Ok. 

(ads)

Now in the ring….

JC:  God, I hate you.  You’re the lamest ass internet columnist in the whole fricking world.
EG:  Oh yeah, just you wait until I tell Dave Meltzer you said that!
JC:  Oh yeah, well, just wait until I tell Bradshaw that you said THAT!

EG:  Oh YEAH?!  Well I stopped watching Smackdown!  

JC:  It took you this long?

EG:  I have a thing for Josh Matthews.

JC:  Who doesn’t?!  That chick is HOT!

KN:  Oh, man, dudes?  What’s going on.  Talking about Josh Matthews?

JC:  Hell yeah.

KN:  That chick is HOT!  Dudes, I don’t care what anybody says.  You two are cool by me.

EG:  Well I think that if there’s one thing this show doesn’t need, it’s more Kane.
KN:  OH NO YOU DIDN’T!
JC:  Dude, how big of a dumbass can you be?  I mean…damn….

Kane chokeslams Eugene.

EG:  You work too stiff. 

Lightning strikes the ring

Voice of the Undertaker:  QUIT EXPOSING THE BUSINESS!
KN:  LEAVE ME ALONE!

(ads)

Backstage again.

EB:  OH MAN!  What a dumbass.  You knew he couldn’t keep his criticism of Kane down.
JC:  Yeah, what a dumbass your sister raised.
EB:  Totally.  But that’s no big surprise seeing what a bitch she is.  Hold on, that’s my cell….
WR:  How dare you two do that and not let me in on the plan!  I’m STILL pissed off you let him keep me from wrestling last week, now you don’t get me choice seats to see him piss off Kane?

Victoria v. Jazz

This is non-title…because God forbid they have two title matches on this show, right?  Victoria is still shaking her ass.  We get it, you poop.  Geez.  Can you BE the Ass woman on the same show with My Darling Stacy?  I guess if Billy Gunn and Rikishi can do it, so can they.  Hey!  Now that Morgan Webb is out of work, maybe the WWE can hire her.  They’re looking for a nice piece of ass, right?  And that folks, was your Morgan Webb moment of the month.  Jazz tries to do some moves, wait…I don’t care.  This is a women’s match.  Uh…how about them T-Wol…aw…damn.  Victoria wins.  WHY WAS THIS NON-TITLE?!  The announcers mention Gail Kim.  Points for continuity.  That gives them…uh…-3999 points for the night.

(ads)

Shelton Benjamin v. Randy Orton (w/ “Dave” Batista “Davidson”)

This is ALSO non-title.  Maybe I should have a match, and make IT non-title.  That’d be neato keen.   Dave is out there to make sure that Randy doesn’t win.  He gets up on the ring apron and Randy uses the distraction to try to take off the turnbuckle.  Dave and the ref discuss the Stanley Cup.  Randy…uh…no.  Dave and the ref debate quantum physics.  Randy…uh…no.  Shelton Benjamin is all like, “COME ON AND DO IT BITCH!”  Dave and the ref read the dictionary together.  Randy eats the turnbuckle.  Mmmm…tastes like pickles.

(ads)

Dave hits Shelton with the Osprey Bomb to prevent him from falling down.  Wow.  That’s pretty devious there, Dave.  Randy tries the cover.  Oh!  He got you, Dave!  Shelton kicks out.  Orton sets Shelton up to fall over, but Shelton comes back with a powerslam.  That’s his…move…I…guess?  Damn.  Everybody hits the freaking powerslam.  Shelton wins.  I guess this means he’ll be taking on Randy Orton at Bagged Groceries.

(ads)

Here to address Diva Search 2004 is Todd Grisham and My Darling Stacy.

TG:  Stacy, what the hell is going on around here?  Nothing makes sense!
MDS:  I dunno, Todd.  I’m just looking forward to the Diva search.
TG:  No  you’re not.  This girl is going to come in and take your job!
MDS:  No, silly.  I’m a wrestler now.  I’m taking on La Resistance for the tag team titles.
TG:  You’re just a piece of ass.
MDS:  How dare you.  That’s it, I’m leaving!
TG:  What the hell was that all about?

KN:  I don’t know, dude.
TG:  AH!  IT’S KANE!!

KN:  Don’t worry.  I wanted to give you fifty dollars.

Todd Grisham lights himself on fire.

TG:  HAHA!  I saved you the trouble!
KN:  Uh…So you DON’T want $50?
MDS:  What the hell is his problem?
TG:  OW!

Rest in Peace, Todd.  Out in the ring….

HHH:  Hey!  In just a few short days, Shawn Michaels and I will be wrestling.  But this isn’t the first time I’ve wrestled.  Oh no!  You need video proof?  Here’s some right now!

Video of HHH’s epic matches with Kevin Nash, Scott Steiner, and Hulk Hogan.

HHH:  Whoops.  That’s…not…right.  Uh…well you’ll all just have to trust me there.  Hey!  None of those guys are here any more.  This was the best video package ever!  Thanks to Nibblins for putting it all together.

Backstage a Sort Of Pissed Off Fish rides by on a motorcycle driven by a Jade Gopher.

(ads)

Eric Bischoff tells Johnny “Swol” Nitro to go get Eugene.  Johnny nails Bischoff with the Heart Punch!  Hootie HOO!

Matt Hardy (w/ Lita) v. Garrison Cade

Matt Fact:  Matt saved big money on car insurance by switching to Geico.

Matt hides because he thinks Lillian said “Garrison Kane”, and who knows she probably did.  Cade goes for the Stroke, but Matt blocks it by yelling “VeeeeeeeeOooooonnnaaaah!” which causes the crowd to eat a croissant.  Matt goes all the way up to the SECOND ROPE for the medium risk maneuver.  Then he hits the Twist of Fate.  Matt wins.  Nobody, besides Lillian and me, mentions Kane.  Uh…I guess that means that whole thing was over.  WHAT AS THE QUESTION!  Dammit, don’t make me throw myself off a building!

Last week on Smackdown, John Cena won a match.  Huzzah!

Eugene is in Eric’s office.

EB:  Hey, Eugene!  Tonight you’ll be wrestling Kane.
EG:  As with anything involving Kane, I’d hardly call it wrestling.
EB:  He’s going to kick your ass.
EG:  So I’m going to have to carry him by selling.  Typical.
EB:  He may very well KILL you.
EG:  Kill my career you mean.
EB:  Give me a hug, just in case you die.
EG:  Ok, Uncle Eric.
EB:  Ew…you got grease all over my jacket.
EG:  You can save it to use on your hair.

(ads)

It’s time for the Highlight Reel with Trish Stratus and Tyson Tomko.

Trish says that Chris Tian isn’t there because of those crazy go nuts injuries he sustained a few weeks ago.  What a baby.  She says that Jericho’s furniture is tacky.  Well, I’ve got to admit, I’m not sure what the hell those cardboard Xs are supposed to be.  Trish turns on the Jeritron 5000 and she and Tyson play Mario Kart Double Dash for the next 20 minutes.  Then Jericho runs out because he doesn’t want the picture to burn in.  But it’s TOO LATE!  OH!  Then Tyson and Trish take turns sitting on Jericho’s face.  Man, I already downloaded this video on the Internet.   I mean…uh…OMG BENOIT~!

Kane…uh…mumbles to himself.  Takin’ up the slack for Ric Flair!

(ads)

Kane v. Eugene

Kane throws some punches at Eugene but they slide off the grease shield that Eugene has put up.  Then Eugene goes for some old tyme moves or as we in the biz like to call them “rest holds”.  Whoa, wait a second.  Is this the Main Event?  No friggin’ way.  Eugene is in the main event?  No way.  Eugene realizes this himself and starts marking out.  It’s not a pretty site.  If you’ve ever watched yourself mark out in the mirror, and I know you have, you’ll know what I mean.  But as Kane soon learns, you can’t hurt somebody who’s marking out.  Kane gets pissed off and lights Eugene on fire.  Thankfully, the Cheeto crumbs act as a buffer stopping the fire from consuming the blubber.  Chris Benoit runs out and Eugene immediately stops, drops, and humps the canvas.  Kane is so sickened he runs off in disgust.

 

Lance and Rob are Friends
Chapter Four:  Is That a Gorilla Following Us?

LS:  Where…Where am I?
RVD:  On the Canadian border, dude.
LS:  No.  NO!  Go back!
TD:  No way!  We were chasing the Jade Gopher to Montreal when we got a call on our radio to help with a boarder crossing situation.
LS:  But we’re not even real cops!
RVD:  Duuude…we’ve got a car.  That’s totally close enough.

They pull over and get out.

TD:  Get out of the car or else I’m going to get HARDCORE!
GMS:  What’s up, dudes.
RVD:  Grand Master Sexay?
GMS:  Dude.  I was just on my way to RAW.
RVD:  Me too, dude.
LS:  Neither of you work on RAW.  You got fired and you’re on Smackdown.
GMS:  Who’s the buzzkill?
RVD:  Oh, that’s Lance.  He’s cool.  He helped me find the Fabled Lost City of Atlantis.
TD:  Wait…so can I get HARDCORE?!
GMS:  Hehehehehehe
RVD:  Hehehehehehehe
GMS:  Hehehehehehehe
RVD:  He said hard.

Tommy nails Grand Master Sexay with a Singapore Cane.

RVD:  What was that for, dude?
TD:  He broke the law.
RVD:  Yeah!  All Right!!
LS:  Guys…what the hell is that?
RVD:  That gorilla?  Oh.  I don’t know.
LS:  Is that Gorilla following us?

TM:  I’ve been spotted!  Run!

The Mountie drops his gorilla suit and jumps into a river.

LS:  Was that The Mountie?
TD:  No time for that.  To Montreal!
RVD:  Yeah!  All Right!

To Be Continued.

E-MAIL MATT    
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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