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RAW SATIRE    
The Diva You Want Ain't the Diva you Need!   

June 22, 2004

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week:  Triple H made friends with the Internet.  Shawn Michaels broke a nail for your sins.  Also, RAW was on way past your bed time and you had to read the Satire to find out how it ended, didn’t you?  DIDN’T you?!  And you’ll do it again…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

OH MY GOD!  IT’S MAVEN!! 

MV:  Ey!

Then some Other Guy comes out.

TR:  FINALLY The Rock has come BACK…Home!  What the hell are y’all doin’ here?
EB:  Well…uh…Rock…We accidentally advertised this show tonight as a Smackdown house show and…well…these are the only three people who showed up…sooo…we moved the show to your house.
Fan #1:  Where’s The Undertaker?!

KN:  I ATE HIM!
Voice of the Undertaker:  NO YOU DIDN’T!  NOW QUIT EXPOSING THE BUSINESS!
Fan #2:  Hey, The Rock, your wife is hot.  Does the price of a ticket pay for me to hit that shi….

TR:  NO!
Fan #2:  So I guess that means Grandma is out of the question too?

TR:  Yes!

GMTR:  Speak for yourself, sonny!  Do you want a piece of The Rock’s Grandma’s pie?

TR:  Ew…Ew…EW!
Fan #3:  Look everybody!  I’ve got Mick Foley!
MF:  Let me go!  Let me…hey!  I’ve…Rock!  Help!

TR:  Ok, that’s it!  Everybody out of here!  Go to the Arena and leave the Rock alone!
RO:  Yeah, come on, guys.  We’re all too good to have matches in The Rock’s house.

TR:  What ever you popcorn fart!
Fan #3:  Come on, Rock, you can try harder than that!

TR:  You used to collect Troll Dolls.
Fan #2:  Oooooh…Ouch….

Randy breaks down in tears.

EB:  All right, that’s it!  The Rock has done us all a big favor by making Randy cry on national TV…international if you count (ugh) Canada, so let’s all just leave the guy in peace.  We’ll fill the arena by papering the city.  RAW IS WCW!
TR:  Yeah, get out of here you ass pirates.  Except you, Shane and Rosey.  You’re not getting on RAW tonight anyway.  Let’s go eat all the Rock’s pickles.  Molly, come on, baby, The Rock digs his chicks bald. 

Edge hits Orton in the face with a hammer.

(ads)

At the arena, Eric Bischoff is talking to Chris Benoit.

EB:  What do you want?
CB:  I’m deeply disturbed by the lack of wrestling on this show.

EB:  Well don’t worry because we’ve got three matches scheduled for tonight!
CB:  Three?

EB:  Yes, sir.  Including…get this…a women’s title match!  SCORE!
CB:  Would it be ok if I…uh…vomit?

EB:  Please do.
CB:  Don’t you think it’s about time we got rid of that Eugene kid?  I’m tired ok him stealing my jocks.

EB:  Hopefully HHH will kill that bastard.  Hold on, that’s my cell….

Victoria v. Trish Stratus (w/ Tyson Tomko)
For the WWE Women’s Title

Victoria comes out in a pant suit that positively screams “GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO”.  You know what Victoria needs?  Hammer Pants.  I’m just sayin’.  Tomko gets involved by touching the ropes.  BASTARD!  Victoria nails an admittedly kind of cool moonsault, which is knocked down a notch because of a) a stupid dance not involving Hammer Pants and b) I was eating Rollos and thus not paying any attention.  Trish rolls Victoria up and cheats to win.  Man, where’s the crazy go nuts action?  Oh wait, then Stevie Richards shows up in drag.  And throws his shoes at Trish.  Coming in August:  Stevie Richards, WWE Women’s Champion.  Raven will be so proud.

In Chicago, some bitches and hoes stand in a line.  Let’s take a peak at some of the action.

JC:  Hey there, now, it’s me the Coach!
SG:  And I’m WWE Diva Search Co-ordinator, Some Girl.
JC:  Ha HA!  Hey there, some girl.  I’ve found the Diva I’M searching for, let’s go have sex.
SG:  No.
JC:  Ha HA!
SG:  Can the first contestant come in.
JC:  For the record please state your name.
TEJ:  Tough Enough Jessie.
JC:  Do you have any modeling experience?
TEJ:  I used to tell Paul Heyman that people were hurt on Smackdown?
SG:  You’re kind of skinny.
AS:  Tough Enough Jessie, I’m afraid you’re cut.
TEJ:  WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(ads)

Tape of Shawn Michaels saving the life of Marty Jannetty.  Coming up on WWE Behind the Curtain, NEXT on Spike TV.

Eric Bischoff is standing around with William Regal.

WR:  And then I said, “Well, it certainly isn’t a cheese log.”
EB:  Hahahahahahaha…I don’t get it.
WR:  Hahah…ehh…I guess you had to be there, chap.
EB:  I guess.
WR:  Can you just finally cut me loose of all this Eugene garbage?  Please?  I’m tired of him eating all my Cheetos.
EB:  …(sigh)
WR:  What’s wrong?
EB:  I miss Rob popping in there to ask for Cheetos. 
WR:  Uh…ok.  So how about a match?
EB:  Sure.  Whatever.  I don’t care any more.  You’re on next.

(ads)

William Regal v. Kane

Regal hasn’t even taken his pants off.  Who wrestles with their pants on?  Ok, Steve Blackman, but come on.  This match needs a little more Kane.  Kane slams Regal’s head into the ropes and this time it HURTS!  I guess it’s going to take a while for William to work his way back into what we in the biz call “ring shape”.  I think the tie is a nice touch though.  That can stay.  No pants and a tie.  He’ll be like the bastard son of IRS.  As for the booking of this match.  Come on.  This is the same William Regal who wrestled a bear?  The same William Regal who turned himself into a car and broke Goldberg’s arm?  The same William Regal who captured Saddam Hussein with only a can of seafoam green paint and a chicklet?  The same William Regal who comes packaged in 13 different flavors including Key Lime Pie and Milk?  No.  I don’t think it is.  NOBODY should be knocked out after just one stupid and simple move.  NOBODY!

(ads)

Ehhh…except maybe Spike Dudley

Kane is in Bischoff’s office.

EB:  Why did you knock him out right away?  I thought you think the show needed more you?
KN:  It does.  I’ve still got something big planned later.
EB:  Oh, man.  You’re not talking about the big “Kane banged Lita” announcement are you?
KN:  No, no.  I’ve got a big vaudeville act worked up.
EB:  Really?
KN:  Uh…no.

Back in Chicago….

JC:  Could you please, for the record state your name.
CC:  Uh…My name is Chavita Classic.
JC:  Hey there, sweet ass.
SG:  Are you Chavo Classic?
CC:  Oh, man.  I messed up!  I need a job!
JC:   We’ll see you later.  WINK WINK

Randy Orton and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” v. Edge Tian and Chris Jericho

Randy is still wiping off tears.  Dave poses like a girl.  The winner of this match doesn’t lose his hair highlighting privileges for the rest of the month.  Edge and Dave fight for a while and I go get some more Rollos.  Damn.  I’m going to get fat doing this crap.  Have you seen Meltzer’s predicted Summerslam card?  Sharkboy v. A Duck where the hell does that guy get his information?  Sharkboy isn’t even IN the WWE.  He’s wrestling Popeye in TNA.  Chris Jericho falls over and he’s out.  He just entered the match.  Ok…this is even worse than Frickin’ Regal.  I mean, yeah, Orton wins, but DAMN.  DAMN YOU WWE!  You hear me?  I can’t wait until you go out of busi….

(ads)

I guess they’re going to go keep going, but with Edge and his tag team partner…the TAG ROPE.  Randy asks Edge very nicely to fall over and Edge says no.  What a bastard.  So then Dave nails him with the Osprey Bomb.  Evolution wins. 

Over in Chicago….

JC:  Sigh…Next.  State your whatever…and stuff….
JM:  Hi, I’m WWE Smackdown Reporter Josh Matthews.
SG:  Wow.  I’ve gotta say, you’re the best looking chick we’ve had in here all day.
JM:  That’s weird.
JC:  Ohh…Oh yeah…we need to see you in the bikini competition.  Wait here I’m going to go get my camera.
JM:  I’m just here to interview the contestants.
SG:  Shhh…I really think you have a chance to go all the way in this one, honey.
JM:  Really?  Huh.

Smackdown your vote.  OR ELSE VICTORIA WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!

(ads)

My Darling Stacy is backstage with Matt Hardy.

MDS:  Hi, Matt.  Finally over that case of Chokeslamitis?
MH:  Shut up, Stacy.  Can you keep a secret?
MDS:  LITA’S PREGNANT?!
MH:  I know, I watched RAW last week.  Can you keep a secret from me?
MDS:  Matt Hardy wears Lita’s thongs on his face.
MH:  Uh…despite my best judgement, I’m going to share this news with you.  What about you America, can YOU keep a secret?!

Uh…Yeah…I guess….

MDS:  WAH!  I Ring Pop?!  Grape, the flavor of marriage…Oh…Matt…I’m flattered, but my heart belongs to another.
MH:  It’s for Lita, you idiot.
MDS:  Oh.  Well…great for you then.  Wow, I’ve GOT to tell Lita!
MH:  No…no…Aw crap, why did I tell you?
MDS:  Because we conveniently ran into each other in this hallway with this camera.
CGS:  Yo.
MH:  Right.  Right.  Maybe Jeff was right.  I’ve GOT to get out of this place.

Over on Smackdown, Paul Heyman made the biggest threat ever to Paul Bearer, he’s going to fill his coffin with Oatmeal.  OH GOD!  THE CARBS!!

HHH, Ric Flair, and Eugene get out of their limo….

ED:  And so I told them, “Go watch Kabuki/Muta and tell me that again, you mark!”
RF:  I took Muta’s old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN FAT BOY!  WOOO!
ED:  Oh, Ric, you’re such a heel.
RF:  I’m going to kill you while you sleep.
HHH:  Hehehe…After spending all day with you Eugene, I can officially say that I’m not going crazy.  Not crazy at all.
ED:  You really have changed, Hunter.  I don’t understand what those rude folks on the Internet have against you.
HHH:  Yeah.  They’ve got no reason to hate me, except that they’re all 38 year old virgins who live with their moms and sleep in Hulk and Friends footie pajamas.  Or live in…shudder…Ohio.  Ick.

(ads)

Matt Hardy is out.  Uh-Oh. 

MH:  Lita…Lita!  You’ve made my Father’s Day complete.  Now, I’ve got something I’ve got to ask you.

Lita comes out.

LT:  Matt, there’s something I’ve got to tell you too.
MH:  Me first.  Lita, will you marry me?
LT:  Uh…oohh…It’s grape.  Uh….
KN:  HAHA!  You can’t propose to her!
MH:  Why not?
KN:  Because I have video of me proposing to her after I drugged her in Vegas last week!
LT:  No you don’t.
KN:  Oh.  Right.  I was supposed to say that it was my baby.
MH:  Lita, is this true?
LT:  It’s true, Matt.  Kane is my baby daddy.
JR:  And now we’re going to take questions from the audience.
Fan #1:  Girl, how you gonna let this man, violate you like that?  You want your baby to grow up a big ugly dentist?
LT:  I was young, and stupid…and maybe a little bit drunk.
Fan #3:  Hey, Kane, have you ever heard of a CONDOM?!
KN:  I used one, actually.  One of those new heated ones.  And it…uh…melted.
Fan #3:  Follow up?
JR:  Go ahead.
Fan #3:  Lita, are you prepared to have a plastic condom baby?
SH:  Hey, yo.  Or a foot?
LH:  Huh?
JR:  That’s it for now, folks.  Stay tuned next week for an indepth look at Kane’s sensitive relationship with his father, now a gigantic bowl of oatmeal.
KN:  HE NEVER LOVED ME!

(ads)

Matt Hardy is storming off.  Lita tries to stop him, but he isn’t having any of this angle.  Back to Smackdown.  Wait…NO!

Back in Chicago….

JC:  The winners from Chicago are Josh Matthews, Chavita and this stick!
SG:  I’ve gotta say…I didn’t even get a vote.
JC:  Shut up.
TEJ:  WAAAAAAAAH!

Eugene is stretching with Evolution.

ED:  Check out my body.  Yeah!
DBD:  You are FAT!
HHH:  What did I tell you, Dave?
DBD:  Oh, sorry, you are BIG BONED!!
RO:  Oh, can we stop mollycoddling this idiot?  You’re fat and stupid and everybody hates you.
HHH:  Eugene, do you want to?
ED:  No, no.  I insist, you go.
HHH: PEDIGREE TO ORTON!
RF:  WOO!
EB:  It’s match time!
HHH:  Yeah!  Time to put Eugene over!
EB:  HAHAHAHAHA
DBD:  HahahahahahahaHA!
RF:  HAHAHAHAHAHAHWOO!
RO:  Owwww….
ED:   HAHAHAHA…HEY!

(ads)

Eugene v. Triple H (w/ Ric Flair)

Hunter lets Eugene get a few moves in to give him a bit of a comfort zone and then starts calling spots loudly to make Eugene look bad.  “Eugene, Fall on your ass,” he says.  Eugene ignores him and strikes a pose.  Vogue Vogue Vogue Vogue.  Thanks, Esther.  Eugene goes for the test of strength, and HHH falls over.  Oh, he’s pissed.  Orton wins, baby.

(ads)

HHH tries to Pedigree Eugene, but Eugene has complained about enough Triple H matches to know that the only way to counter a Pedigree is to do a backdrop.  Go for the Walls of Jericho so you can Slingshot him!  HHH loves that spot!  Eugene hits the Rock Bottom and somewhere Rock drops his pickle in disgust.  Eugene feels no pain as he marks out at the fact that HHH is going to job to him.  Chris Benoit runs out because he is absolutely sick of this match.  No overrun this week dammit.  Benoit nails Eugene with a chair.  OMG HEEL TURN BY BENOIT~!  Or…Maybe not.  I dunno.  HHH hits Benoit with a Pedigree.  Wow.  This match was…not so good.  That’s ok though.  I’ve got Rollos.

Next Week:  Inside Shelton Benjamin’s hand injury, find out why this wussy won’t wrestle!  Kane and Lita pick out blankies.  Chris Benoit loses the World Title to Eric Bischoff’s Sister.

 

Lance and Rob are Friends
Chapter Seven:  “That’s the gravy.”

In Miami….

LS:  All right, here we are…in…Miami, Florida  Far…Far away from my family, far far away from Canada.
RVD:  Duuuude…Let’s go to that J-Lo restaurant and eat all their breadsticks.
TD:  Breadsticks are HARDCORE!!
LS:  Is that Don Johnson?
TM:  Yes.  It is me.  The world famous Crockett.  And this is my Afro-American partner, Tubbs.
TR:  What’s goin’ on, daddy!  The Rock got himself a new job!  Working on the Miami Vice movie, baby!  Yeah!
RVD:  We’ve found it!  The Fabled Lost City of Atlantis!  Yeah!  All Right!!
TR:  Oh!  Right!  Hey guys!  How’s it goin’? 
LS:  Have you seen the fish and the gopher?  That’s why you’re here right?
TR:  Oh, yeah, daddy.  The Rock is lookin’ hard in between takes of this hot new movie!
LS:  They’re not making a Miami Vice movie!!
TR:  They’re not?!  Then who is this handsome, strong, brave man?
TM:  They’re on to me!  Go go Mountie Rocket Pack!

The Mountie blasts off and lands face first in Cuba.

TM:  That was weird.
TR:  Yeah.
RVD:  Hey!  I’ve got it!
LS:  The Jade Gopher and the Sort-of-Pissed-Off Fish!?
RVD:  Yeah!  All Right!!
LS:  Rob…this is…Carmen Sandiego?
CS:  You caught me this time, gumshoes, but I’ll get my sentence reduced to time served.  You’ll see.
TD:  Time served?  You stole PITTSBURGH!!
CS:  Nobody missed it.
TR:  True that.
LS:  Have you…uh…seen a fish and a gopher drive by on a motorcycle?
CS:  Uh…no.
TD:  Dammit.
RVD:  Let’s eat!

At Madre’s….

LS:  Mmm…This Marc Antony burger is actually pretty good.  I love the three onion ring platter.
TD:  Let’s just hope they don’t have to make it four.
TR:  The Rock hopes to work with J-Lo some day, daddy!  Yeah!  The Rock is the new Ben Affleck!
LS:  Shhh!  Do you want us to get kicked out?
RVD:  Yeah!  All Right!!  The J-Lo booty platter is great!  Two huge rump roasts to satiate my munchies and all this brown stuff coming out of the middle.
TD:  Ew…what the hell is that?
LS:  That’s the gravy.
TD:  Ew….
LS:  Let’s just pay the bill and see if we can’t get any leads on the gopher.
RVD:  Duude…where’s The Rock.
TD:  He left.
LS:  Dammit…we don’t have any money!
Waiter:  Looks like SOMEBODY will be washing dishes for exactly seven days!
LS:  Damn!
TD:  Damn!
RVD:  Yeah!  All Right!!
 

E-MAIL MATT    
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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