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RAW SATIRE    
The Shocking Truth About Lita's Ass Baby!   

July 13, 2004

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night:  Triple H couldn’t beat Chris Benoit…And hell, I’ve beaten Chris Benoit three times this week.  Matt Hardy used the Power of Lita to beat up poor poor Kane.  And Hey…it was better than The Great American Bash!  You know what else will be?  RAW…TONIGHT!

Hot Damn, we’re starting backstage with Evolution….

DBD:  I won my MATCH!
RF:  Don’t rub it in or I’ll take a ride on space mountain with your old lady, Fat Boy…WOO!

DBD:  Don’t remind me of how old I AM!
RF:  HUH?!
HHH:  Dave is like three years older than you.
RF:  Oh.
RO:  Guys, we have to get back on point here.  Hunter, you didn’t win last night, and neither did you Ric.
HHH:  Neither did you, Randy.
RO:  Yeah, but me losing was a conspiracy.  How the hell did I lose to Edge.  I think HHH is holding me down.
HHH:  I’ll show you being held down…PEDIGREE TO ORTON!

RF:  WOO!  Now what are we going to do about this Eugene business?
HHH:  Uh…Well…you see…We’re going to…umm….

RF:  You haven’t had ever had a plan have you?
HHH:  Uh…sure I have.

DBD:  Shh…Here he COMES!
ED:  Hehehehe…”comes”.

DBD:  Actually, according to my dictionary the preferred spelling is….
HHH:  Ehem…Uh…Hey, Eugene.  Uh…How’s it goin’?
ED:  Sorry I accidentally hit you 27 times with a chair, Hunter.
HHH:  Nah…it’s cool.  Hey…uh…go talk to Eric.
ED:  Ok.

Eugene leaves.

RF:  You can’t just keep dumping off all your problems on everybody else.
HHH:  Can too!  I’m a McMahon!

DBD:  I’m a McMahon TOO!
HHH:  No you’re not.

DBD: 
L

RF:  AH!

(Opening Credits)

It’s 7/11 and I could use a slushy.  Everybody donate slushy money to my Paypal account.  Oh wait.  It’s 7/12?  Damn.

Edge v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

This is NOT for Edge’s newly won Intercontinental Title…because…uh…I guess they got bored of title matches?  Too many goddamn title matches.  It’s time for a break.  The Announcers make sure we all recognize that Edge is only the third man to win the WWE Intercontinental Title five times with Rob Van Dam and Chris Jericho, joining them in the proverbial Loser’s Lounge of Mid-Card Mediocrity.  Dave comes out and poses.  Even Edge rolls his eyes.  If frickin’ Edge is rolling his eyes at your entrance, it’s time to stop trying.  They battle back and forth for a while, with neither wanting to sell so much that their push abruptly end.  So they just wander around the ring making dynamic faces at each other.  Then Randy Orton comes out.

(ads)

Randy Orton leaves.  That was, by far, the greatest part of this match.  Dave asks, “Who is the MAN?”  Uhh…Ric Flair?  Right?  Do I win a copy of his book?  Edge goes for a spear but ends up eating the turnbuckle.  Shades of George “The Animal” Steele.  Man, if ANYBODY were playing George Steele in this match, I was sure it was going to be RAW Referee Jack Doan.  Edge hits a top rope drop kick, which is more action than I thought I’d ever see in this match.  However, Edge is worn down from all the OMG CHINLOCKS~! last night, so he just rolls Dave up and pulls his tights to pick up the win.  Uh…Face turn by Dave?  Edge says that he’s now taken out ½ of Evolution.  Yes…Dave and Randy sure as hell look “taken out” there, Edge.  Mission Accomplished.

Eugene is in Uncle Eric’s Office.

ED:  Hey, Yo.  You wanted to see me Uncle Eric?
EB:  Yes.  I’m giving you a title match tonight against Chris Benoit.
ED:  OMG BENOIT~!

EB:  We’re hoping the combination of excitement about blogging about your title experience, touching Chris Benoit in his manly areas and Nacho Cheese will cause you to explode.
ED:  And come back next week like Todd Grisham.

EB:  Eh…no.  Go back to OVW.
ED:  Oh.  Damn.
EB:  Now go wrestle.

(ads)

Here’s Lawler.

JL:  As I know everybody is REALLY excited about WWE Diva Search 2004!  I know I am.  So we thought we’d bring out one of the hopefuls.  Give it up everybody for…Mountina!
MT:  This is highly embarrassing.

JL:  Hahaha!  So, I heard you can do something sexy with your tongue, what is it?
MT:  Have you seen three men chasing a fish and a gopher?
JL:  No, no, not that!  The OTHER crazy thing you can do with your tongue!
MT:  Uh…I can tie a Twizzler so it says “Do Me” or “Dome”, depending on how you read it….
JL:  OH BABY!  Show us some dance moves!

Mountie walks away.

JL:  Mountina everybody!  Remind me to get her number, JR.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is with Ric Flair.  Todd is trying to papercut himself to death with Ric’s book.

RF:  Hey!  I sold one!  And you’re putting it to good use too, kid!
TG:  Why, Ric, WHY?!  Why can’t RAW make any sense?!
RF:  Because…uh…Your Mom.  WOO!
TH:  Hey!  It’s me!  The Hurricane!
RF:  You’re not “The Hurricane”…I know your dirty little secret.  You’re Shane Helms of Three Count.
SR:  Man, I’ve been telling him that for a year now. 

Flair makes a ring around Rosey. 

TH:  Oh yeah…well…uh…will you sign this copy of your book?  
RF:  Yeah sure, kid.  Who should I make it out to?  Haha…Never mind, I’ve got it.  So have you had a chance to read it?
TH:  Yessir.
RF:  And what did you think?
TH:  Well…I mean…it was all right.  Not quite as good as Scott Keith’s….

Flair goes nuts and kills Hurricane.

SR:  Aw damn.  Look what happened, Todd, The Nature Boy killed The Hurricane.
TG:  Wow.
TH:  Nah.  I’m fine.  My Hurripowers saved me.

Todd runs after Ric to tell him how much better Lou Albano’s book was.

(ads)

Rhyno (w/ Tajiri) v. Rob Conway (w/ Sylvan Grenier)

Rhyno and Tajiri make such a cute couple.  You can tell Tajiri is THRILLED to finally have something to do.  He attacks Sylvan while Rhyno steals Edge’s finisher.  Rhyno and Tajiri win.  This match was so short, let’s watch the replay!

(ads)

Tyson Tomko (w/ Trish Stratus) v. Maven (w/ Nidia)

JR and Lawler are SO TOTALLY confused about why Maven and Nidia are together.  Uh…Gee…I dunno.  Wait…I’m not supposed to remember Tough Enough, am I?  Oh.  Never mind then.  ‘Cept what happened to that Taylor chick?  That chick was fiiiiine.  Even better than Tough Enough Jessie…Oh don’t cry.  What the hell was I talking about?  This match is straight out of the Main Event of OVW.  All we need now are the Bashams.  Nidia just bedazzled her outfit before she came out.  I just figured it out.  Heel Divas:  Can Dress Themselves.  Face Divas:  Can’t Dress Themselves.  Wow.  That revelation is a load off my mind.  Is this match still going on?  Oops.  No it isn’t.  Tomko won with the Tribute to Test.

William Regal is shooting the breeze with Chris Benoit.

WR:  I say, I want you to kick Eugene’s ass tonight.
CB:  Huh?!
WR:  I hate that frickin’ nerd.
CB:  I’m with you.  I hope he doesn’t try to grab my man parts.

(ads)

It’s HIGHLIGHT REEL TIME!

CJ:  Please Welcome, Lita.
LT:  Hi, Chris.
CJ:  how the hell did Matt Hardy win, and I couldn’t even get a win?
LT:  We in the business call that the “Dave Davidson” effect.
CJ:  Hmph.  Well…Hey!  At least you’re showing young single mothers that they too can wear 40% of a top and thongs.
LT:  And how!
CJ:  All right, this is getting boring.  It needs something…I just can’t put my finger on it…needs more…lemon juice?  No…Paprika?  No…Oh wait!  MORE KANE!

Kane trots out.

CJ:  Sorry about that whole coffee thing a few years ago.
KN:  Right on.
LT:  Kane I asked you to come out here for one reason.  You’re not my baby daddy.
KN:  I’m…I’m not?
LT:  Nope.  I just realized that you and I only did anal and you can’t have a baby in your ass.
CJ:  That’s gross.
KN:  I’m pretty sure that’s what happened with Mark Henry and Mae Young.  Err…I mean…Oh no!  I’m devastated!
LT:  Plus Tori called and told me that burnt Lil’ Kane doesn’t actually work.
KN:  Oh…man.  You guys got me.  I’m a fraud.

Kane leaves.

CJ:  Just between the two of us and everyone else, Lita, I’m not really sorry about the coffee thing.
KN:  THAT’S IT!  YOU’RE DOOMED!

(ads)

Chris Jericho v. Kane

A feud over a feud over coffee…from several years ago.  This is my favorite feud ever.  Jericho flies around the ring and tries to hit Kane with all his crazy “moves” but Kane won’t have any of it.  He’s not losing to these little guys two nights in a row.  Where the hell is Matt Hardy anyway?  Off selling his victory?  Heat?  The world may never know.  Of course without Test and A-Train Heat’s looking a little bare nowadays.  How do you like them Garrison Cade/Val Venis matches?  Kane punches OVW RAW Referee Chris Kay in the nuts and gets disqualified.  And really, who doesn’t want to punch Chris Kay in the nuts?

(ads)

Lawler is out.

JL:  Everybody loves Divas, so here’s another one!  What’s your name little girl?
LS:  Uh…Lance Storm.
JL:  Sounds Hot.  And I understand you make your own clothes?
LS:  Uh…no.
RVD:  Play along, dude!
TD:  The crowd is turning against you!
LS:  I’ve got puppies.
JL:  Well…one more Diva to go!  This is the greatest contest ever!

On Smackdown:  John Cena was stripped of the US Title…He still had the US Title?

(ads)

The Hurricane v. Ric Flair

Bret Hart and Mick Foley are in the crowd holding signs that say “I have a Shotgun” and “I’m going to get Hardcore with your daughter” respectively.  JYD is in the crowd holding a sign that says “Grab Them Cakes”.  Will do.  Flair’s ear explodes.  HOLY CRAP!  Mick Foley has psychic powers!  Flair is too hardcore to notice the blood streaming from his face though.  A sign in the crowd says it’s Hurricane’s birthday.  His birthday present is jobbing to the Figure Four.  Hell, it’s better than what I got last year.  Dixie Cups.

(ads)

New Hampshire’s Governer Speedy McMuffins says it’s great to have the WWE in town because nothing the hell else happens in New Hampshire.

Finally someone hot in this Diva Search.

JL:  Hey there sweet tits, what’s your name?
JM:  Uh…I’m Josh Matthews.  Can I go back to Smackdown?
JL:  No, silly.  This is the RAW Diva Search.  I understand you were in Playboy!
JM:  Uh…no.  I’m a dude.
JL:  Come on!  Don’t be shy about it.
JM:  Can I go now?
JL:  Wow, things just got hotter!  Tune in Thursday for more!

Chris Benoit is with Eugene….

CB:  You hear me?
ED:  Yeah…Yeah…No man parts.
CB:  I know you’re excited about wrestling me, and about workrate, but just calm down and try to have a good…non icky…match.
ED:  Just let me go change my pants.
CB:  Ok, see that’s what I’m talking about….

(ads)

Eugene v. Chris Benoit
For the WWE World Heavyweight Title

Eugene immediately goes for the Man parts.  I knew he couldn’t hold himself back.  Failing in this attempt, Eugene instead locks in the Crossface.  The crowd goes nuts because somebody other than Benoit finally did it right.  Now we don’t even need Benoit.  What else does he have left?  Suplexes?  JR shills the fact that Benoit has a bruised sternum.  I think we all know what that means.  A broken heart.  Poor Benoit.  Wait…I don’t care.  Triple H runs out and things get crazy go nuts.  With the help of Dave Davidson, Ric Flair and a PEDIGREE TO ORTON Hunter beats down Benoit (bless his broken heart) and Flair kicks Eugene in the face.  Regal runs out to try to get some face time, but he’s horribly stopped when he trips and falls over.  Orton wins!

Next Week:  Eugene v. Triple H…The Reckoning.  The Diva Search Heats Up when one of them sues Lawler for Sexual Harassment.  Chris Jericho spills coffee all over Chris Benoit…Nice Try, buddy.

 

Lance and Rob Are Friends
Chapter Nine:  “What are You Guys Doing Back Here”

LS:  Well…back at RAW.  I guess wrestling isn’t SO bad.  I heard they need heels for Heat.
TD:  Well you should have thought about that months ago.  If you had, we wouldn’t be here right now.
LS:  Dammit.  I’m such an idiot.
RVD:  Yeah!  All right!!
TD:  All right, you’re on second.  Just go out there and be hot.  Lawler will do the selling for you.
LS:  “Be Hot”…What is that supposed to mean?  I’m a dude.  Dudes can’t be hot.
TD:  Speak for yourself.
RVD:  Yeah, dude.  I’m a dude, dude, and I’m hot.  

LS:  This is so embarrassing…and I think Mountina over there is staring at us.
TD:  I think she likes me.  TeeHee.
TM:  The Mountina always gets her man!
Kevin Dunn:  Mountina you’re on.
TM:  See you later, sluts.
LS:  Why…I oughta throw my shoe at him.
TD:  There’ll be time for that later.  Let’s get something to eat.

At catering….

LS:  Rob…I can’t believe you ate all the Fritos.
RVD:  I finally got some!  Yeah!  All right!!
TD:  Well at least SOMEBODY is getting some.
HHH:  And that’s how we’ll beat up Eugene AND Benoit.
RF:  Oh, yeah.  BRILLIANT master plan, boss.
HHH:  Thanks.
LS:  It’s Triple H!  Cheese it!
HHH:  Hey, Tommy!  Rob.  Who’s your hot friend?
LS:  Hunter, it’s me.  La…Ow!
TD:  That’s Halle Berry.  She’s ready to get HARDCORE!
HHH:  Great.  But what are you guys doing back here?  Tommy you’re retired.  Shouldn’t you be off giving Beulah the ol’ Singapore Cane?
TD:  I can’t.  Not until I find this gopher.  The Rock said so.
HHH:  Oh…well…good for you.  And Rob…Aren’t you supposed to be feuding with Rene Dupree over on Smackdown?
RVD:  Woah…is that tonight?
HHH:  Well technically no…but….
RVD:  Good, because I totally thought I spaced out on that one.
HHH:  Uh…right….
RF:  Psst…Hey you!
LS:  Me?
RF:  Yeah.  How’d you like to go for a ride on Space Mountain?
LS:  No thanks.
RF:  Come on!  I’m Ric Flair, honey!  A legend.  You’ll get far with me.  Woo!  To be the MAN YOU’VE GOT TO BEAT THE MAN!
LS:  Uh….
KD:  Halle, you’re on.
TD:  Good Luck, Halle.
RVD:  Yeah, right on, Lance!
TD:  ROB!
RVD:  Can anybody else see that floating picture of Bea Arthur?
RF:  Absolutely!  WOO!

Lance wanders off.

TD:  Truly there goes the greatest man of our time.
RVD:  Maybe we should go out there….
TD:  And make sure he gives a good impression?
RVD:  And get some popcorn.
TD:  Either way…good idea.

Tommy and Rob wander off.

HHH:  All right, so how about this…We cover Benoit and Eugene in peanut butter and then roll them in seeds….
RF:  I see where you’re going with this….

To be continued!

E-MAIL MATT    
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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