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RAW SATIRE    
Advantage: Wrestling   

July 27, 2004

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week:  Triple H told Eugene to stay at home and post bad poetry to his blog.  Kurt Angle’s room looked like a cross between a disco and a washed up wrestler.  “Dave” Batista “Davidson” got all sorts of screen time because he was in his HOMETOWN, which is where he won’t be…TONIGHT!
  
Coach tells one of the twins that they’re cut from DIVA SEARCH 2004!!  Then he eliminates the wrong one.  Oh well.  Nobody’ll notice.  Now split from her other half, this twin is my favorite to finish third behind Josh Matthews and That Girl the WWE Wants to Win.  I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that both girls are wearing scrunchies as skirts. I’m all for that

trend.  Also, if you’re paying attention, Amy Weber is obviously a wrestling fan, as she totally understand the concept of “cheap face heat” in that Steelers jersey.  God, can you tell I’m stalling for time now?  I hate recaping a match that’s four minutes…SIXTY?  Damn.  I can only hope that somebody passes out or something and an interview breaks out.

This video package makes me want to order Vengeance.  Hey…wait a minute.

Edge, Chris Jericho, Matt Hardy, Hurricane, Some Kind of Denver Broncos Float, William Regal, Tyson Tomko, Stevie Richards, The Returning Rodney Mack, Sylvan Grenier, Val Venis, Rob Conway, Rhyno, Tajiri, The Last of the Mohicans, No Wait Here’s Another Mohican, Some Ducks, Drunky Smurf, BooBerry, Maven…wait…MAVEN?!…Nevermind, Raven, That’s So Raven, Kraven, Some Other Guy, Oscar Winning Actor Ric Flair, Randy Orton and “Dave” Batista “Davidson”
In a Battle Royale for a Shot at the WWE World Title at SummerSlam.

Eric Bischoff comes out and books this match much to the surprise and delight of…well…Val Venis kind of perks up.  I guess it’s better than working Heat…or worse yet, International Heat.  They should do a title change on International Heat.  That’d TOTALLY mess everybody up.  I’m really looking forward to the Tyson Tomko v. Chris Benoit Summerslam Main event.  Or Stevie Richards v. Triple H.  Hey, they even did an angle to set that up a few months ago!  Regal and Tomko are eliminated when the ring collapses.  Somebody get Rosey out of there!

(ads)

There’s only, like, ten people left in this match.  I hate when they take commercial breaks during battle royals.  What fun are they if you don’t get to see everybody get thrown over the ropes.  I mean, what if one of them lands on their face?  When did Rodney Mack come back anyway?  Did I miss the memo?  Things would be much easier for me if the WWE started sending me memos. 

Dear Matt:  

Thursdays are heretofore to be referred to as “Casual Beef Thursdays”.  

In the event that some WWE wrestlers find this offensive, we will switch back to our former name, “Box Social Day.”

Thanks,

-The Management

(ads)

There’s only a couple of people left and Maven is one of them.  I never suspected the big Maven push.  In fact, he eliminates Ric Flair.  No kidding.  Jericho throws Edge out.  Or maybe Edge throws Jericho out.  Jim Ross isn’t really making this very clear for me.  I can’t wait for their match at SummerSlam….

JR:  By GAWD what a fantastic suplex there on…er…by Edge…maybe?
JL:  When are we going to get to see the puppies, J.R.?
JR:  Well, King, I might imagine that we might see some lovely young ladies after this match and it might be over soon as Edge goes for the Walls of Jericho….

Maven gets thrown out by Randy Orton.  Orton did something!  It’s down to him and Jericho.  Uh-oh.  One of these two men is in line for a push.  And it isn’t WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda.  Jericho goes and stands on the ropes while Orton stares really hard into the crowd.  Then, Jericho falls over.  ORTON WINS!  I guess that means that Orton gets the Title shot at SummerSlam.  I guess none of these guys thought to turn the lights off and run into the ring to get a title shot?  One of these days I want, like, Stevie Richards to give it a shot.  Just to see how far he can get with it.  Just turn out the lights, run out and say, “It is I!  Stevie Richards!  You.  Me.  SummerSlam, Benoit!”  What’s Benoit going to say?  No?

(ads)

DIVA SEARCH 2004!!

JC:  Hey, I’m the Coach, and tonight, the RAW Divas are going to have to seduce a former WWE Superstar!  With that, come with me, Halle and we’ll get started.
LS:  I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Coach pulls Lance through the door and throws open the curtain.

UGK:  Ugabugabugaboo…Wait…Damn…Lance?
LS:  Kamala?  What the hell, dude?
UGK:  Man, they called my fat ass down here to scare the crap out of some girls, I never thought they'd call you down here.
LS:  I’m actually in the contest.
UGK:  You’re a diva?
LS:  Well…let’s just forget about that for a second.  Man…I never thought they’d get you.  I was thinking it’d be Scott Hall, Randy Savage, or Berzerker.
SH:  Hey, yo, mang.  They did call me, but I was too hung over to get the message.
LS:  Then why are you here?
SH:  This isn’t rehab?
XP:  Aw, damn.  Sorry, Scott.
SH:  Let’s go get hammered and watch the sex tape.
TB:  HUSS!  HUSS!
RS:  OH YEAH!  DIG IT!
LS:  Ok, this is getting weird, I’m out of here.
JYD:  Grab them cakes!!

Outside….

JC:  Ok, that was great!  Now, Mountina, it’s you’re turn!
MT:  What?

Inside….

UGK:  OgabuggabuggaAH
MT:  Yikes!

Mountie pulls out his tazer and jams it into Kamala’s gut.

MT:  AHHHHHH!
UGK:  AAHHHHHH!  Dam….
MT:  Stay Down!  Stay Down!
UGK:  ….
MT:  Kamala?  What the hell are you doing here?

Back Outside….

JC:  Ok, up next is…does anybody else smell bacon?

(ads)

At the Democratic National Convention….

IV:  HI THERE!  IVORY HERE!  WE’RE TOTALLY JAZZED TO BE HERE!  AT THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION!  ISN’T THAT RIGHT!  WWE CEO LINDA MCMAHON!
LM:  Yes.  Ivory.  We are.  Very excited.  To be he…BRAINS!
IV:  HERE’S A BUNCH OF PICTURES!  OF WWE PEOPLE!  TALKING TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE!  YAY!

Video of the convention, including Mick Foley asking Carrot Top which book was better, his or Flair’s, and Bret Hart asking John Edwards if he could talk to Owen.

IV:  THAT WAS REALLY GREAT!  NOW TO COMMENT ON THE STATE OF THE NATION!  STACY KEIBLER!
MDS:  I’d like world peace and uh…what does that cue card say?  I’d like to ask John Kerry what his stance on health…care is?
JK:  Well.  Miss Keibler.  I like Health Care.
IV:  THA….
JK:  No.  Wait.  I’m anti-Health Care.
IV:  BACK TO….
JK:  Wait.  Wait.  I’m pro-Health Care.
IV:  BACK TO YOU J….
JK:  Wait.  Braaaaaains….
LM:  Braaaaaaains….
JK:   BRAAAAAAAINS!

Coach tells us to vote for the Diva we want to win, or we’ll never see them in a bikini again.  Wait!  Wait!  Let me go get my tape!

Backstage with Evolution….

DBD:  I can’t believe I LOST!
RF:  You lost?  YOU LOST?!  I got eliminated by Maven, for God’s sake.  MAVEN?!  WOO!  I’m going to take his old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY!  WOO!
DBD:  WOO!
RF:  Knock that off.

DBD: 
L
RF:  AH!

RO:  Who’s the man?  Who’s the man?  Is it Ric Flair?  No!  No!  It’s ME!  PRETTY RANDY ORTON!
RF:  I’m the man!  Read my book!
RO:  Well, you say “To be the man, you’ve got to beat the man” right?
RF:  That’s right!  WOO!
RO:  Well doesn’t that mean that Rico is The Man?
RF:  Wha?
HHH:  Hahaha…He’s got you there, Ric.
RF:  This isn’t over!
HHH:  Speaking of not being over, congrats on your win, Randy.
RO:  Uh…thanks…I guess.
HHH:  But don’t get me wrong, Randy, you’re headed for a PEDIGREE TO ORTON at Summerslam after I win tonight.
RO:  Uh…oh.  Ok.  Geez.  Good luck out there, asshole.
HHH:  In my experience, there’s no such thing as luck.
RF:  THAT’S MY LINE!

(ads)

Chris Benoit v. Triple H
Iron Man Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Title

Whoever scores the most pins, submissions, countouts or disqualifications in sixty minutes wins.  It’s like wrestling’s version of Pong.  Well, anyway…Mike Chioda lays out the rules for the combatants.  He asks if HHH has any questions.  He doesn’t.  He asks if Benoit has any questions.  Yes. 

CB:  If a train leaves Pittsburgh traveling 155 mph with eight passengers paying an average of .02 dollars per mile, heading West towards Akron, at the same moment that a similar train heads north from Santa Fe heading towards Salt Lake City at 100 kph with seven passengers at an average of .97 per 2 kilometers.  What then is the speed of the train relative to a North American flying swallow flying between Denver and Atlanta?
HHH:  Uh…X?
MC:  That’s a trick question!  Nobody rides trains anymore.

Fall One:

Triple H and Chris Benoit take a nap.  I guess they’ve got to pace themselves a little bit.  They break up the inaction by rolling around and working some restholds.  This already has a better workrate than Lesnar/Angle.  An epic stare down breaks out.  Benoit reads the Sports Section.  Hell, Ricky Williams has better workrate than the Angle/Lesnar match.  Man, you know what Iron Man matches need?  More Kane.  Think of the possibilities of a Kane/Undertaker Iron Man match.  I’ll let your groins settle down.  Benoit rolls HHH up and gets the pin.  Huzzah!

1-0  Advantage:  Benoit.

Is it over yet?

(ads)

Fall Two:

HHH punches Benoit in the back for ten minutes.  Benoit starts spitting out blood.  Oh no!  Well…Either that or he just drank a lot of Hawaiian punch and now his spit looks all read.  Or some Tahitian Treat.  I’m going with the beverages on this one.  Both guys are so exhausted, they fall asleep again on the outside.

(ads)

They’re really giving it their all here tonight, folks.  HHH and Benoit trade teasing their finishers which kind of loses its effect since they still have another, like, 40 minutes to go.  HHH blocks the Sharpshooter.  It’s funny, because back in the day people used to think that it really took some talent to do an Iron Man match, but look what shlubs we’ve got doing it now.  I mean, what the hell have you done for me lately Benoit?  The crowd chants for the Steelers.  That Amy Weber is a crafty one.  PEDIGREE TO BENOIT!

1-1 Advantage:  Deuce

Benoit leaves for a little while and gets counted out.

1-2 Advantage:  Triple H

(ads)

Chris Benoit is back.  Where the hell did he go?  To get coffee?  Perhaps an apple danish?  I suppose all that punch left him a little wanting.  He’d best slow it down however, he has to pace his eating if he wants to last the rest of the half hour.  HHH looks at the clock and when he sees the time remaining he starts crying.  Benoit eats an ice cream cone.  Triple H hits the spinebuster.  And he actually does it right.  Take that Mr. Crappy Entrance Guy Davidson!  He gets the pin.  I can’t believe Benoit jobbed to that!  HA!

1-3 Advantage:  Miss Sharipova

(ads)

I like all these commercial breaks.  It’s like little 4 minute matches.  I still miss all the lame backstage segments of Evolution playing Scrabble or Eric Bischoff trying to sell his nosehair on eBay, but this’ll have to do.  Benoit sets in with the Sharpshooter.  HHH arches back and it makes him look like a little HHH chair that Benoit is sitting backwards in.  If they had it on Shopzone, and I had a job, I’d totally buy the HHH chair.  Then I’d sit backwards and make popeye faces and pretend I was Chris Benoit.  Perhaps realizing how stupid this all looks, HHH taps out.

2-3 Advantage:  Trogdor

Benoit locks in the Crossface and the crowd is all “OMG BENOIT~!”  Oh come off it, you guys.  You couldn’t give a crap about this all earlier, now suddenly it’s all “Oh, I hope you win Chris Benoit!  Our sports teams suck and we’d like you to win!”  Pfft.  Whatever.  HHH sells the pain of the Crossface by yelling, “Ow!  My sholder…or perhaps my neck!”  If you really wanted to get out of the Crossface wouldn’t you just bite Benoit’s hand off?  That’s what Junkyard Dog would do.  WWJYDD?  Grab them cakes of course.  HHH tries to grab them cakes, but misses and Mike Chioda thinks he tapped out.  Boo!

3-3 Advantage:  Huckleberry Hound.

Batista and Ric Flair look lost as they stumble towards the ring

(ads)

Where’s Orton, huh?  This sounds like it’s going to all fall apart and lead to a PEDIGREE TO ORTON!  Mike Chioda is so tired from reffing 50 minutes of stop and go action and he passes out.  Orton wins! 

1-3-3 Advantage:  Not Orton

Dave and Ric attack Benoit and bust him open.  Benoit’s losing blood and tired, that doesn’t particularity bode well for him.  Bischoff sends down WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan, but when HHH can’t get the pinfall, Flair shoots Doan.  When all looks bleak for Chris Benoit and the night is falling, suddenly, a pale pasty rider emerges from the crowd to save him.  Eugene enters the ring armed with his copy of “Pure Dynamite” and nails Flair.  Dave tries to pose and intimidate Eugene, but Eugene doesn’t know the meaning of Fear.  When Dave offers to look it up for him in the dictionary, Eugene hits him with the Stunner.  Austinberg would be proud if he wasn’t so drunk.  HHH runs over to fight with Eugene, but Eugene nails HHH with the SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT!  That’s HHH’s move!  Oh no!  Eugene runs out and celebrates.  Benoit covers.  1…2…….3!  Huzzah!

1-4-3 Winner:  WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda

HHH drools.

Next Week:  Randy Orton gets called out for being so friggin’ lazy.  Mike Chioda defends against Huckleberry Hound.  More matches than two!  Promise!!

Lance and Rob Are Friends
Chapter Eleven : Have you been rowing that thing indoors all day?

LS:  Well, Josh, what do you have to say for yourself?
JM:  I guess it’s not so bad.  I mean, if this were Smackdown, I would have been fired.  I think.
RVD:  Yeah.  I wish I were on Smackdown.
LS:  Uh…Rob…you know what?  Never mind.
RVD:  Yeah!  All Right!!
JM:  It’s too bad I never got to see Kamala.  He was my inspiration for getting into wrestling.
TD:  Yeah, I remember when Tazz ripped that Kamala poster off your wall.  That was HARDCORE!
JM:  What a whiny bitch that guy was.
LS:  I think he was just sad that all the girls were taller than him.
RVD:  Shhh!  I’m trying to watch the Iron Chef:  Chicken Nuggets Battle!
LS:  Rob, you are the strangest person I’ve ever met.  There’s not even a TV in here.
TD:  So what happened to Kamala?
LS:  Oh, he’ll be fine.  Papa Shango did a voodoo ritual to bring him back.
TD:  Good stuff.
CJF:  Arr…it’s me!  Yer old friend Cap’n Jack Foley!
LS:  Mick, aren’t you still supposed to be in Boston?
CJF:  Aye.  But I got lost.
LS:  No you didn’t.  I saw you on the video package earlier.
CJF:  Aye.  That be a hologram Mick Foley.  

TD:  Ric Flair says in his book that hologram Mick Foley will always be known as a glorified Lazer Blazer.
CJF:  Arrr…it be true.  Sigh.  Somebody push me back out to sea.
LS:  Have you been rowing that thing indoors all day?
CJF:  Uh…Aye.  While you give me a shove, I’m going to sing a piratey song.  “Billy Jean is not my wench.  Nay, she’s just some girl who let me dock in her port, and the parrot be not mine”

RVD jumps up and slams a chair in Captain Jack’s face.

RVD:  I SAID I WAS WATCHING IRON CHEF!
LS:  Whoa.
TD:  With that kind of attitude, we’re either going to find the jade gopher in no time or get arrested…uh…again.
RVD:  Yeah!  All right!!

Elsewhere 

MT:  Little do you know.  Little do you know…Mountina always gets her man. 

Kamala squashes Mountina.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
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RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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