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RAW SATIRE    
Punctuate This Sentence:
Needs More Kane Baby 

August 3, 2004

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week:  Triple H fell just short of beating RAW Referee Mike Chioda in a One Hour Bra and Panties Diva Search Huckleberry Hound match.  The fur really started to fly when the DIVA SEARCH 2004 competitors squared off in epic staredowns with Kamala.  And…uh…nothing else happened.  Seriously.  So…hopefully something happens…TONIGHT!

(Opening Cred…)
 
 

The its are stopped by the disembodied voice of HHH.  Ooh…Spooky!  

Hunter comes out and he’s got a mic.  I hope he serenades us with the rest of the RAW song.  Or at least his own theme.  He could sing it like a lounge singer.  That would rule the school.  “It’s all about the Gaaaame, and how you plaaaaaaaaay it!”

 
HHH:  I know what you’re all thinking, you idiots, but I’m not going to come out here and sing my theme song!  No.  I’m not even going to talk about Nibblins.  No, sir.  You know why?  Because I’m SO PISSED OFF that I lost the Ironed Shirt match last week.  I mean…damn.  And you know what pisses me off even more?  Eugene went on that new hotspot for old, washed up wrestling columnists….
Fan:  Online Onslaught?
HHH:  No, no.  The other one.
Fan:  PwInsider?
HHH:  No….
Fan:  Wrestleline?
HHH:  Uh…no…that really awful one….
Fan:  Oh, 411?
HHH:  Yeah…but not.  Anyway, what I was trying to say was that he posted that my match with Benoit was **, that Benoit carried me, and that the overbooked ending saved the match.  I’m going to KILL THAT KID!

Here’s William Regal for the block.

WR:  Not so fast, Mr. Pants.
HHH:  What do you want vampire?
WR:  Ah Ah Ah!  You shouldn’t talk, you’re a vampire too!  Anyway, remember when we were in WCW?  And you were Terra Ryzing?
HHH:  Yeah?
WR:  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  “Terra Ryzing.”  WCW sucked, didn’t it?
HHH:  Hehehehe…yeah.  Yeah.  Are you going to defend Eugene’s honor or something?
WR:  Nah.  He can do that all by himself.  Or not.  Whatever.  Let’s go get hammered.
HHH:  DID SOMEBODY SAY HAMMER?!
WR:  Oh, crap.  I’m out of here.

Regal runs backstage while HHH sulks because he can’t find his sledgehammer.

(ads)

DIVA SEARCH 2004 UPDATE:  A blonde was eliminated.  Not that one.  Not that one.  Nope.  There you go.

Rhyno and Tajiri v. La Resistance

Tajiri and Rhyno need a snazzy team name if they’re going to be tag team champions.  Like “The Mighty Bees” or “Hot Damn It’s Another Tag Team of Midcarders We Don’t Know What to Do With Separately”.  That last one would go great on a T-Shirt.  This isn’t for the Tag Team Titles, huh?  That’s too bad.  It should be noted that I don’t really care about what’s going on in this match…in fact Rhyno and Tajiri won, like, a sentence and a half ago.  But I’ve got space to fill, y’all.  Space to fill…yeah…who wants pizza?

(ads)

Randy Orton is ready to talk to Millionaire Todd Grisham

TG:  I am not a Millionaire.
RO:  Well, I am.  And at SummerSlam, I’m going to become the youngest WWE World Champion ever.  Even younger than Minnesota Vikings Defensive Tackle Kevin Williams.
TG:  You mean Brock Lesnar, right?
RO:  No.  Todd, do these tattoos make me look fat?
TG:  Because, I’m pretty sure Kevin Williams never won a WWE World Title.
RO:  No, no.  He did.  I’m seriously thinking about maybe getting some more thinning tattoos over these ones.
TG:  I hate you and everything you stand for.
RO:  Now, we’re going to take a break from this interview so that I may try to open my copy of the first season of Heathcliff on DVD.
TG:  All right, that’s it.  I QUIT!  You hear me out there?
RVD:  Duuuude…you can’t quit?  Who’s going to explain my presence on RAW?

Todd Grisham throws himself into a nearby deep fryer.

RO:  Hey, Rob.  Wanna watch Heathcliff with me?
RVD:  I’m watching it right now…IN MY MIND! 

Over on Smackdown:  Dolla Dolla Bills, Y’all.

Lita is in the ladies room with My Darling Stacy. 

LT:  …so you see, that’s where babies come from.
MDS:  In the ass?
LT:  Never mind.  Anyway, have fun tonight in your ongoing battle with Trish.

Matt Hardy walks in.

MH:  Woah!  Hey, hey!  Sorry.
LT:  MATT!  What are you doing in here?
MH:  I thought nobody was in here!  I swear!  I just wanted to spy on…I mean see what it was like.  I always thought there’d be jelly bean dispensers.
MDS:  I’m out of here, I’ve got to get ready for my “match”.
MH:  Lita, I’m glad I…uh…accidentally barged into the ladies room, because I wanted to ask you something.
LT:  What?  You can ask me anything, Matt!
VV:  He’s going to ask you to marry him dumbass.
LT&MH:  VAL VENIS!
LT:  Val, how long have YOU been in here?
VV:  Since Thursday.
TT:  Don’t do it, Matt!
LT, MH, & VV:  TEST?!
MH:  How long have YOU been in here?
TT:  Four months.  How do you think I hurt my neck?  Lookin’ under the stalls too many times!

Val, Matt and Test start to high five, but look sheepishly away when Lita stares at them.

MH:  So why shouldn’t I marry Lita, again?
TT:  Just trust me.  I’ve been down this road.  It’s not going to end well for you, man.  Sure, you’ll have the best match of your life against Lita’s brother at SummerSlam, and then you’ll fade into obscurity while FRIGGING TRIPLE H WRESTLES VINCE MCMAHON FOR GOD KNOWS WHAT REASON, AND THEN YOU’LL STAND AROUND AND DO NOTHING FOR THE REST OF YOUR CAREER AND HE’LL MARRY YOUR GIRL, DAMMIT!!
MH:  Uh….
VV:  Plus she’s a total slut.
TT:  Yeah.
MH:  They’ve got you there.
LT:  Hmph.

(ads)

Some Kind of Denver Broncos Float (w/ My Darling Stacy) v. Tyson Tomko (w/ Trish Stratus)

Stacy rides out on the float.  I guess it was only a matter of time before Rosey gave up on trying to get Shane to start up three count again, but damn.  I didn’t think he’d become a float.  I feel bad for Trish.  No, really.  I’ve got to imagine that it’s much much easier to manage Chris Tian than it is to manage Tyson Tomko.  I mean, really.  Stacy flips around while the float drives around the ring.  Woah, how did the float get IN the ring?  I’ve GOT to pay better attention.  Well, I will say this, this match is doing a better job of keeping my attention than anything else tonight.  Tomko kicks the Float in the face and gets the pin. 

(ads)

It’s time for the Highlight Reel with Chris Jericho!

CJ:  What’s up everybody?  Here’s this week’s guest…EDGE!
EG:  Man…what were you doing eliminating me last week?
CJ:  I was confused.  I thought I was eliminating myself.
EG:  Huh?
CJ:  I was listening to Jim Ross on commentary, and he said that Chris Jericho was in trouble, and I thought, “I remember when the Intercontinental Title meant that you were the number one contender” and I remembered that Edge was the Intercontinental Champion, so if I was Edge, and Chris Jericho was on the apron, so I took the liberty of eliminating…uh…me.
EG:  Oh.  Well…that…makes sense…I guess?
CJ:  But just you wait, because I’ll have the opportunity to win that title from you at SummerSlam when it’s Edge v. Batista v. Chris Jericho.

Edge punches Jericho and throws a hissy fit.  I guess he was hoping he could wrestle to marry Lita?  Oh wait, that hasn’t been announced yet.  Way to break kayfabe there, Adam.  I bet you made Ric Flair cry.  Jericho gets back up and punches him.  I hoep you’ve learned your lesson, Edge.

(ads)

Triple H v. William Regal

Regal attacks before HHH’s music can get going, pissing off the front row fans who were counting on being able to save their shirts that were covered in Triple H spit.  Oh, settle down, kids, if you’re lucky maybe Kane will sweat on you later.  The match never really gets started, because Triple H gets DQ’d for punching Regal in the face with brass knuckles, but really, that’s not a disqualification so much as it is poetic justice.  But I guess you can’t win a match via poetic justice.  HHH goes outside and finds his sledgehammer.  Who the hell put it under the ring?  That’s the last place I would look.  It’s no wonder he couldn’t find it.  HHH is so excited that he found that damned hammer that he smashes in Regal’s face with it.  Then, when officials get William strapped to a stretcher, HHH goes bowling with him.  Blood covers everything.  That’s important later.

(ads)

Bischoff and Hunter are backstage….

HHH:  and Garfield is a fat cat.  As in FAT CAT.  He’s the parasitic bourgeoisie he feeds off the fruits of Jon’s labor and continually causes him problems while never giving anything in return.
EB:  So what then, is Nermal?
HHH:  Well, Nermal is the toiling intellectual.  Of the same ilk as the bourgeoisie, but embraced fully by the other classes.  However, his only purpose is to point out how great he himself is, while the fat cats try to exile him.
EB:  Huh.  Uh…yeah.  You and Eugene are fighting next week.  Now what are the political implications of Hagar the Horrible?
HHH:  Don’t get me started on how the duck is representative of the liberal media.

Here’s Coach with this week’s DIVA SEARCH 2004!!  Each Diva has a few seconds to prove they deserve to be in.

Carmella:  I deserve to be in because they totally told me I was going to win.
Halle:  Uh…I need the money so that I can continue my chase of the jade gopher (what?) I mean, because I’m so hot.

Mountina:  I deserve to win because if I don’t, I’ll probably end up in jail again.  Sigh.

Amy Weber wins points again this week for actually mentioning people who are on the show.  She actually watches wrestling for God’s sake.

Kane and Lita are backstage….

KN:  Lita!  I think we should give sex one more try.
LT:  Well…I don’t know….
KN:  Come on, admit it.  You need a little more KANE BABY!  YEAH!
LT:  Uh….
KN:  I’m going to kill Matt Hardy at SummerSlam, that way you’ll HAVE to love me.
LT:  I don’t know, Kane.  I just get the feeling that our home life would be a little…stressed.  I’m not much of a cleaner, and you cook by lighting everything on fire.  I don’t think we’re right for each other.  I think we should just be friends.
Crowd:  Oh, Snap!

Kane drips all over Lita in response.

(ads)

Maven v. Kane

Say it with me now…”Maven is just happy to be out here tonight.”  He won’t be in, like, 30 seconds when Kane kills him, but whatever.  It’s the small victories that prevail.  Maven tries to jump out of the ring, but misses the outside and Kane just kind of kicks him.  Huh.  Note the ring:  Perfectly clean.  Either the WWE has a great cleaning crew, or William Regal has some of the cleanest blood ever.  Kane hits Maven with the chokeslam.  Damn.  I really thought Maven had a chance at that one.  At SummerSlam, Lita will marry the winner of the Kane/Hardy match.  Geez, what the hell?  What a slut.  Though if I knew it was THAT easy to get married, I would have done that a long frigging time ago.  Next Month:  Matt Hocking Presents WWE RAW Satire Presents a Match on International Heat:  Matt Hocking v. A Broomstick, Natalie Portman will marry the winner.  Hot damn!

(ads)

Coach is out again, this time so that the Divas can show off their stripper moves.  Man, Lance can grind.

(ads)

Evolution v. Team Canada

Dave poses on the ramp, and I realize that it’s been a long frigging night.  The crowd immediately chants “Y2J” and “OMG BENOIT~!”.  No “Edge” chants though.  Poor Edge.  I don’t suppose there’s any chance Elix Skipper will show up in this Team Canada, huh?  Damn.  Flair works most of this first part of the match against no one because the Canadians can’t tell each other apart.  Too much blond hair and too many Chrises, I guess.  At least I can tell Edge and Benoit apart.  The faces finally get it straight and clear the ring.  Jericho and Edge look longingly at each other.  Aw.

(ads)

OMG CHINLOCK~!  Randy has that MASTERED.  Triple H may THINK he’s the game, but he can’t chinlock like a MoFo like Randy.  Everybody trades finishers.  Jericho somehow ends up with Nomar Garciaparra.  I don’t think that’s with in Chris’ salary cap limits.  Benoit takes down Flair and tries to get him to tap out, but Flair’s not the legal man.  He’s the…ILLEGAL MAN!  That’d make a good movie title.  Jericho punches Edge in the back of the head because Edge is a whiny baby.  Orton walks over and Benoit falls over.  Orton wins!  What the hell?  I guess it’s time for the RANDY ORTON PUSH-O-RAMA!

Next Week:  I introduce my new bride Natalie Portman to My Darling Stacy…hilarity ensues.  The Big Randy Orton push continues when Randy makes Triple H fall over, and he’ll get a…PEDIGREE TO ORTON!  “Who Wants To Marry Lita” continues.

Due to time constraints Lance and Rob are Friends will be seen next week at its regular time.  Hopefully next week they won’t be forced to eat out of the dumpster like they would have been this week.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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