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RAW SATIRE    
Of Mantaur and Ice Cream...  

August 10, 2004

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week:  DIVA SEARCH 2004 kicked off some sort of Booty Train…you know what?  I think there would be NO negative feedback to Diva Search 2004, if they called it “the RAW $250,000 Booty Train” from the start.  In a messy moment, William Regal tried to suck his own blood.  And guess what?  Randy Orton beat Chris Benoit.  What kind of zany things will happen…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

DIVA SEARCH 2004!!

JC:  All right, folks, it’s that moment you’ve all been waiting for!
LS:  Shouldn’t that be “The moment for which you’ve all been waiting?”
JC:  Bite me.  The next loser is…. 

Hey!  Hey!  It’s Randy Orton…uh…the loser is Randy Orton?

RO:  The loser is the other twin.  Now you girls, quick, distract the audience while I talk!
JC:  Hold on…who forgot to wind up Carmella?  Aw…dammit….
RO:  Ehem.  Benoit?!  It’s time to end the beginning of what we all started here.  Some may say that my push to the World Title has come out of nowhere, but to them I say, “Hey, I’ve known about it for months.”  Now, maybe I’ve suffered one too many PEDIGREES TO ME, but I’m pretty sure that I rule the school around here.  To prove it, let me take an informal poll.  Hey girls, how many of YOU are former Intercontinental Champions?
MT:  Well…uh….
LS:  Yeah, the thing is.
RVD:  Duuuuude…this episode of Sesame Street sucks…where’s Oscar?
OtG:  Eating Cans!
RVD:  Yeah!  All Right!!
RO:  Well…uh…you see what this proves is…um…that I’m going to win my World Title Match against Chris Benoit?

Speaking of Chris Benoit…here he is!

CB:  Hey…uh…Randy.  What’s this all aboot?
  

Between the Divas, Randy and Benoit we’ve got some…OMG ACTING~!  Benoit drags Orton down by his arm and Randy taps out.  I love when the wrestlers tap out in non-matches.  What good does that do?  Besides earn you valuable Ken Shamrock Points that you can spend in the Ken Shamrock Catalogue.  I’m THIS close to a Ken 

Shamrock beer cozy.  Somebody put me in an armbar!

(ads)

Victoria, Nidia and My Darling Stacy v. Molly Holly, Gail Kim and Jazz

It’s almost the entire division!  Except for Trish and Stevie.  Stacy is in the ring most of the time, proving that she’s starting to osmose some of my mad wrestling skillz.  Unfortunately for you, I went to the Coach Nash school of wrestling.  I have my degrees in Big Boots and TV/VCR Repair.  Stacy hits the Sidewalk slam on Gail.  That’s my girl.  All the girls leave the ring to do their hair, except Nidia, because, let’s be honest it’s beyond repair.  Nidia wins!  I guess!  Trish Stratus comes out with Tyson Tomko, who has the belt.  Crap, did Tyson win the Women’s Title at a house show?  I HATE it when they do that.  I guess not.  The girls all leave together while J.R. and King idly wonder whether or not they’re going on strike.  Maybe they’re going to ask to be traded to Smackdown where they get to ride around in cars.  Weeee fun!!

(ads)

In an undisclosed hotel…hallway?  With chairs?  And a TV?  It’s the William Regal and Eugene show!

EG:  No, no.  Let’s NOT get a hotel room, Eugene.  Who needs a room when you can sleep in the HALL?!
WR:  It’s what we do in England.  There are no hotel rooms, just lots of hallways.  And we LIKE it!  Now hold this pan up and collect my blood.  I want to make smoothies.

EG:  That’s gross.  I’m going to go make a post about it on my new hotspot, www.hotwrestlingcrap.org.  We’re going to have Meltzer and Keith and that guy everybody thought was Sunny and…uh…probably JTL.

WR:  I don’t know what the bloody hell you’re talking about.  Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to wander aimlessly into this closet.

Regal leaves.

EG:  Finally!  Now I can go down the hall to get some ice…hmm…out of order, eh?  Well, I know one place that’s SURE to have ice!!

On Smackdown:  “HNNRNNR!  HNNRNNR!  Jon H-NN-R-NN-R!”

Lita is backstage crying, in what looks like…some kind of Dungeons and Dragons play area?  Uh…What the hell is with the set choices this week?  Matt Hardy walks in.

MH:  Dude, ok, I’ve totally been working on my level 12 Dwarf.  I’ve got his charisma up thanks to some beard bows, but I’m still concerned about his THACO.  Lita, what armor class is your halfling?  I think I could spare this “dusty chainmail +1 v. locusts”….
LT:  Matt, I can’t think about razing the gnoll village right now.  I’m sorry.  We’ll have to cast magic missile and snuggle under our coats of many colours later.

MH:  What’s wrong?
LT:  The baby isn’t yours.  We did a DNA test.

MH:  You can do that before it’s born?
LT:  Uh…yeah.  Anyway, you’re not the baby daddy, and I don’t know who is….

MH:  Well, I mean…it’s gotta be Kane, right?  Right?
LT:  Well…uh….

WHO Is Lita’s Baby Daddy?

Is it….

Kane?
Jeff Hardy?
Vince McMahon?
Theodore R. Long?
Val Venis?
Esse Rios?
Mantaur?
Big Dick Dudley?
John Elway?

Find out soon on WWE RAW!

(ads)

This is a contract signing for the “Til Death Do Us Part” Match where the winner of the Kane/Matt Hardy match wins Lita.  You know, again, why didn’t Kane just drug here and video tape himself marrying her?  He’d be sure to get a world title push then!  Lita signs the contract, as does Kane, but Matt wants to think it over.  I know, I’m not sure I’d want to marry Lita either.  I mean, it was fun for a while, sure, but it’s time to move on.  Kane is laughing for some reason.  I think WWE Lawyer Maximum Seltzer is tickling him under the table.  I think everybody’d be a lot happier of there were pie.  It’s hard to be pissy when you’re eating apple pie.  Matt finally signs the contract, but then he flips out and attacks the table.  Dude, chill.  The table didn’t impregnate your girlfriend.

OR DID IT?!

(ads)

The Divas are here and this week to get your votes, they’re eating ice cream!  Or in the case of Carmella, holding it while it melts.  Somebody wind her back up!  (Writers note:  Amy Weber scores points AGAIN for actually mentioning the show she was on).

MT:  In Canada, you don’t eat ice cream, ice cream eats you!  Hahahaha…but seriously folks, you’ve got to keep me around or else I’ll never catch those rule breakers!
JM:  But I don’t want to win.
Some Production Guy:  Come on, do SOMETHING.

JM:  Hi, I’m Josh Matthews.  Please don’t vote for me.

SPG:  With the ICE CREAM.
JM:  I’m lactose intolerant.
SPG:  Vote for Josh!
JM:  NO!

LS:  Uh…here’s some ice c…hey…where’d the ice cream go?
RVD:  Oh, dude.  Sorry.  I forgot that was for you.
TD:  You’re ruining our chances to win!
RVD:  Yeah!  All Right!!  Err…I mean…duuuude….
LS:  Uh…vote for me.  Halle Berry.

(ads)

Chris Jericho v. Edge

J.R.’s head explodes.  Oops.  He still manages to work in that Chris Benoit is in this match though.  Really?  Woah.  He’s totally going to lose by count out then.  Edge and Jericho almost have an Austinberg moment, but their hair just got all tangled up.  They work to untangle that, and Edge ends up tossing Jericho into the front row right over between the girl wearing a Eugene costume and the guys trying to spell HHH Sucks…er…”sux”.

(ads)

Is this match STILL going on?  The crowd is just dying to boo somebody.  Poor WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton.  I love the “Patton Sucks” chant though.  Cleveland really knows what’s happening.  Jericho wins the match by cheating, making him the heel, I guess, though the crowd seems to hate Edge more.  “Dave” Batista “Davidson” runs out and beats up Edge while Jericho looks on approvingly.  The best part of this whole segment is that Batista didn’t pose.

Eugene pulls in on his moped.

(ads)

Eugene is in the ring and on the mic.

EG:  Triple H!  Triple H!  I know you’re here and dying to get screen time!  So why don’t you come out here and face the music?  Huh big boy?  I’m tired of you holding me down and ruining the great workrate of this RAW program.  Sunday night, I’m going to go ****1/8 on your ass, but first why don’t you come out here so I can show you what WORKRATE REALLY IS?!

Triple H appears on the Titan Tron…and he’s in the hallway!  Oh no!

HHH:  HAHA!  I bet you didn’t expect this!  While you were out trying to find me in the arena, I was on my way here, to this very hallway, to try to kill William Regal.
WR:  Hello, then!
HHH:  But…I think he kind of likes this.
WR:  What can I say?  Bondage is my thing.
HHH:  So…uhh…I can’t begin to tell you how uncomfortable this whole thing is.  But know this, at Summerslam…I’m totally going to cave in your skull with a sledgehammer.  So THERE!
EG:  This promo was lame.  DUD.
HHH:  ERRRR!  YOU ARE SO DEAD!!

Eugene trots off to declare victory on his blog.

(ads)

Tajiri and Rhyno v. Mr. Wookles and The Red Ferret
In a Two Minute Challenge to See If Rhyno and Tajiri Get a PPV Bonus

Tajiri spends the entirety of the match pointing at the clock and yelling, “Hurry up fatty!”  “Sense of Urgency” doesn’t exactly go with Rhyno’s offense.  Rob Conway and Sylvan Grenier run out and distract the referee by throwing croissants at him.  What a waste.  Those could have made perfectly good Croisandwiches.  I guess they don’t want THEIR PPV bonuses either?  I think that goatee on Conway is weird.  It’s like Alternate Universe Conway.  Time expires.  Wookles/Ferret win!  Expect to see more of them on a Cable Access channel near you!

(ads)

The WWE RAW Divas Challenge the contestants of DIVA SEARCH 2004 to a match of Dodgeball.  Dodgeball?  That is, like, SO June.  Will the match be scripted?  Who wants to bet no matter what the script says Carmella is first out because she doesn’t know what’s going on?  Lance Storm declares it “on”.

Smackdown Hype!:  Tazz needs a step stool.  ‘Lil Undertaker is the best heel on Smackdown.  There, I said it.

Ric Flair is with Triple H backstage….

RF:  Hunter, you really took Regal’s old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, fat boy!  WOO!
HHH:  Do you really think so?  I mean…I think he kind of liked getting tied up and beaten like that.
RF:  Really?  Damn.
RO:  Hey guys!  I guess you really showed Eugene, huh, Hunter?
HHH:  What’s that supposed to mean?
RO:  Well…I mean…damn, dude.  That was pretty pathetic.  I’ve done a better job of convincing the online community that I’ll make a worthy WWE World Champion.
HHH:  Oh, is that right?
RO:  Pretty much.
HHH:  Oh yeah, well how would you feel if I…PEDIGREE TO ORTON!
RF:  Haha!  You’ve still got it, Hunter.  WOO!
HHH:  Shut up and grab my things.
RF:  Yes sir.

(ads)

Chris Benoit v. Randy Orton and Triple H (w/ Ric Flair)

DAMN Benoit is pissed.  Eugene is supposed to support his fellow workrate freak, man.  Randy tries to talk Benoit into falling over, but when that doesn’t work, he settles in for the OMG CHINLOCK~!  Benoit beats up Triple H for a while, but Orton makes the save.  These two are like an old married couple they are.  They fight and fight and fight, but in the end, Randy is still there for Hunter.  It’s kind of sweet, in a not ver sweet way.  Benoit goes for the Sharpshooter, but is distracted by Ric Flair taking off his shirt.  Benoit goes to tell him to put it back on, but the ref has already disqualified Evolution for public nudity.  I guess they’re very strict about manboobs in Ohio.  Watch out, Rick.  And Ric.  Eugene finally comes out, but Hunter has already hit a Pedigree on Benoit.  Isn’t Randy fighting Benoit?  What the hell?  To make matters even more disturbingly confusing, Eugene attacks Orton and Flair.  Uh…hey…whatever works.  STUNNER TO FLAIR BY GAWD!

Next Week:  The Divas from DIVA SEARCH 2004 try to get votes by washing Coach’s head.  New WWE World Champion Randy Orton sets up his first title feud…VAL VENIS!  Lita and Kane register at Target.

When will that be?  You’ll have to wait and see!

 

Lance and Rob Are Friends
Chapter Twelve: I don’t think it had hooves
.

LS:  I can’t BELIEVE you ate all the ice cream.  You ruined my chances of winning the cash!
RVD:  Dude, I already said I was sorry.  I just seemed like the thing to do.
LS:  How did it “seem like the thing to do”?
RVD:  I was like…woah, I bet I could chug all this ice cream, and then The Ghost of Christmas past was all like, “No you can’t” and I was all like, “Yuh, huh!”  And so then he bet me eleven peach wine coolers that I couldn’t, and I totally did!  Yeah!  All right!!
LS:  Wine coolers, huh?  I could really go for one of those about now.  Where di…Ghost of Christmas Past?!
RVD:  Forget about it, Tommy downed them in, like, 20 seconds.
TD:  I told you I was HARDCORE!

Tommy falls off the chandelier

LS:  Woah…we’d better get him to the hospital.
TD:  No, no!  I’m cool.  I’m cool.  Just kind of prop my head up there.
LS:  Your tailbone is in the way.
TD:  EC-Dub!  EC-Dub!
RVD:  Woah, I just had a flashback that I wasn’t getting my paycheck.
LS:  You’re NOT!  You haven’t been on Smackdown in months!
RVD:  Yeah!  All Right!!
MN:  Hey guys.
LS:  MANTAUR?!
MN:  Yeah.  Have you guys seen, Lita?  I’ve been looking for her for the past couple days.  I want to let her know, if the baby is mine, I’ll be there for her.
LS:  I don’t think it had hooves.
MN:  Oh, phew.  Well, I’m out of here then.  Later!

Mantaur whinnies and charges through a wall.

RVD:  I’ll have to fix that.
LT:  Who was that?
LS:  Mantaur.  I don’t think he’s the father of your child.  What made you get with him anyway?
LT:  He helped me roll up a Minotaur for one of my campaigns.
TD:  Hey, Lita, will you have sex with my pelvis?  I think it’s over there by my shin.
LT:  Of course!

Later….

RVD:  I’m getting worried.
LS:  Don’t worry, as soon as we win this Diva Search, we’ll be back after that monkey!
RVD:  No, I think someone is watching us.
LS:  You ALWAYS say that.  Who is it this time?  The CIA?  The Gummi Bears?  Babar the Elephant?
RVD:  Yeah…I probably just need to settle down.  Where’s my stash? 

Elsewhere….

MT:  Yes, find your stash, but know this…you shouldn’t mess with Mountina, because Mountina always gets her…. 

Mountina is gored through the wall by Mantuar.

RVD:  Duuude, I’m gonna have to fix that.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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