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RAW SATIRE    
Monday Night Heat?   

September 21, 2004

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week:  Kane lost his baby thanks to an attack by Abe Orton.  Shelton Benjamin made his big return to help his favorite racist Randy Orton.  Aaaand, the DIVA SEARCH 2004 cut out Mountina so we’ll find out the winner…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)
 

Here’s Vince McMahon out to announce his announcements.  Maybe it’s that he’s officially changing Smackdown’s name to Thunder.  Or Thunderocity.  Or maybe he’ll apologize for the weekend bender that was Randy’s title reign.  Wait…wait…it’s an announcement that affects the entire locker room, right?  

Uh…Mandatory hair bonnets

VM:  I’m almost ready to make my huge gigantic announcement that will change the face of wrestling, but first, I’d like Eric Bischoff to come out here.  Eric?

Here’s Eric, pimp cane and all.  He looks a tad drunker than usual.  I’m guessing it has something to do with the fact that he just found out that he’s going to get his PPV bonus this month.  Extra Hookers!  Bonus!!  Err…OMG SPOILERS~! in that last sentence.  Eric crawls in.

VM:  Thank you.  My big announcement is that WWE RAW will soon be presenting WWE Taboo Tuesday!
EB:  Where we all sit around and play Taboo?
VM:  Uh…I guess.  If the fans vote for that….
EB:  Taboo Tuesday is a stupid name for a PPV.
VM:  What would you rather it be called?
EB:  Beer Drinkin’ Puppy Lovers?
VM:  Anyway, the first half of my big announcement is the Tuesday PPV with stuff chosen by the fans.  Like…What color Maven’s tights will be.
EB:  Maven’s going to be on the PPV?
VM:  If the fans vote for it…so probably not.  No.
EB:  Besides everybody already knew about that.
VM:  They DID?!  How?
EB:  It’s been all over the internet now…for like a month.
VM:  Damn you, Dave Meltzer!
EB:  Plus, I think Linda talked about it in the last conference call.
VM:  Dammit.  Well…my next big announcement is that Eric Bischoff will be facing a returning WWE Superstar….
EB:  Is it Mideon?
VM:  No.
EB:  Kevin Nash?
VM:  No.
EB:  Barry Horowitz?
VM:  Uh…no.  It’s Eugene.

Hey, hey, hey!  It’s Eugene!!

ED:  Huzzah!  I am back!  Now, internet fans go online and vote for my match with my Uncle Eric to be a WORKRATE~! match.  I already have a program set up to tweak the voting anyway, but all the support of my fans helps.
VM:  Oh god.  Maybe turning over an entire PPV to the internet fans is a bad idea.
EB:  This could very well be the most boring PPV ever.
VM:  Or at the very least the most Benoit-centric.
ED:  OMG BENOIT~!
EB:  Hey, Eugene…if you tell all your internet chat buddies to vote for some…lesser people…like, you know, Kane or Orton, we’ll give you some of this Undertaker ice cream bar, circa 1998.
ED:  Ice cream that does a ZOMBIE SIT UP!!

Then Eugene punches Bischoff and tells fans to vote for “more Cruiserweights” and not more Kane.  Vince storms off.

(ads)

Victoria and My Darling Stacy v. Trish Stratus and Molly Holly

Victoria grabs Molly’s feet and drags her around the ring for a while providing me SECONDS of entertainment followed by MINUTES of disappointment at being entertained by that.  It’s kind of like your last date.  My Darling Stacy shows off her flexibility by getting the pin on Molly.  She’s the only girl on the brand who hasn’t won the title.  Come on, guys.  She deserves at least one little title run.  Coming up in a few minutes…a Lita update?  Feh.  I thought it’d be something awesome.  Like a thousand dollars for me.

(ads)

Smackdown is celebrating it’s fifth anniversary?  So what?  I bet they haven’t been as consistantly awesome as me and my RAW Sat…well…never mind.  We’ll call it a draw.

Randy Orton is backstage reading.  He can read?!  He’s a leg up on the competition.  Well, it IS RAW Magazine.  Ooohh…look.  A pretty picture of Victoria.  Liar!  Vince sneaks up on him.

VM:  What’s that you’re reading?
RO:  RAW Magazine.  I can’t believe I lost the title.
VM:  I can.  Business was down.
RO:  Oh.  Sigh.  I guess I’ll never get back in the main event with the fans voting.
VM:  Sure you can.  Er…maybe? 
RO:  No, I can’t.  At the end of the night, only three letters matter.
VM:  RKO?  WWE?  VKM?  RAW?  Uh…DDP?
RO:  No.  URL.
VM:  That was unexpectedly clever.
RO:  It wasn’t very clever at all.
VM:  But still.  Bonus points for…something….
RO:  Thanks.

Superstar Teddy Grahams is in the audience.

Here’s an interview with WWE RAW Superstar, Abe Orton.

AO:  I’d just like to say that Kane should have known what he was getting into when he wrestled me.  You don’t wrestle Abe Orton and get away with it.
JR:  Are you Test?
AO:  No!  No.
JR:  Because if you’re not, you certainly went to the Test School of Appearance and Acting.
AO:  Oh, yeah.  TSAA.  I got my degree in goose herding.
JR:  So…you don’t feel bad at all for killing little X-Pac?
AO:  Are you kidding?  I did the fans a favor.  X-Pac sucks remember?  I fully expect to be wrestling for the title at Taboo Tuesday.
JR:  That would be crazy go nuts.  Thanks for joining us

….

AO:  Are we out?
TEJ:  Not quite yet.
AO:  Oh.  Sorry.
TEJ:  It’s (sniff) ok.  I didn’t want this show to go well anyway.  Waaaaaaah….
AO:  Gr….

(ads)

JBL and Mick Foley are going to be debating the issues important to wrestling fans like “Which candidate’s daughters have nicer asses” and “Boxers or briefs?”  But, I don’t live in Miami, so now I’ll NEVER know who to vote for.  Dammit.

Todd Grisham is standing by outside Lita’s hospital room/some arena hallway and he’ll have news about Lita’s baby coming up soon.

The Hurricane (w/ Some Kind of Denver Broncos Float) v. Tajiri (w/ Rhyno)

Hurricane gets some women to take off their shirts by throwing beads off of the float.  Yay!  Who is the heel in this match?  Obviously it’s…uh…the crowd for not appreciating this awesome cruiserweight action?  Or maybe WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan?  Tajiri rolls up Hurricane for the pin.  Are they just feuding because they’re the only other two tag teams?  Huh.  Hurricane is so pissed that he jobbed to Tajiri that he tells the girls to put their shirts back on.  Booo!  He is the heel.

As you all know, the big dramatic cliff hanger at the end of last season was what was to become of baby X-Pac the kind of result of a union between Kane and Lita.  Now for the dramatic conclusion, Todd Grisham standing by….

TG:  This angle sucks.  Please tell me that it’s almost over.
KN:  Well, Todd, the writers are in there arguing right now.  It’s about 50/50 that this angle can be saved.  I feel awful you know?  For me, for Matt Hardy, for X-Pac, for Lita….
TG:  50/50, huh?  I like those odds.  End this crap now.
KN:  But first, I’ve got a bone to pick.  Abe Orton…you’re a dead man.
TG:  No.  No!  Just let it go.  He sucks too.  Nobody wants to see you two fight again.
KN:  Not even on PPV, Todd?  On Taboo Tuesday?
TG:  NO!

Shawn Michaels v. Chris Jericho
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Chris has cut his hair making him 30% less impressive.  Maybe he could lose a hair v. hair match or something.  Chris and Shawn trade some restholds while I note that the crowd seems really bored.  I guess RAW is all out of heels.  They should’ve brought back Gangrel to this show.  They could have done a BROOD REUNION!  Speaking of Brood reunions, Chris Tian is out to commentate on how happy he is that they didn’t do a Brood reunion.  Michaels and Jericho get WWE RAW Referee Earl Hebner to throw Tian out before he ruins the match.  They can’t even hear the commentary!

(ads)

J.R. mentions that Jericho has won way more I.C. titles than Shawn, which kinda just proves that one of these two is a huge jobber.  And it’s not Shawn.  Shawn locks in the figure four, just to piss off Flair.  Jericho tries for the Walls, but Michaels isn’t standing for that…er…or lying on his back for that matter.  Tyson Tomko runs out to see if that actually is a friggin’ “Tyson Tomko” sign in the crowd.  Yes, we’ve found his one fan.  This all provides just enough distraction for Christian to come in and beat up Shawn Michaels and tell him that while Shawn may be the “Show Stopper,” Christian is the “Showcase Showdown”.  A new car!

This Week on Smackdown:  Todd Grisham stands outside a fake hospital room and giggles while Kane screams and cries.  I honestly don’t remember that.  I DO remember Hnnrnnr raping Michael Cole.  Yep, Paul Heyman is definitely booking again.

(ads)

Evolution is backstage.  Is this honestly the first time they’ve appeared on TV tonight?  Wow.

RF:  Woo!  Hey, Triple, By GAWD, H?  What are you doing over there?!
HHH:  I’m trying to get my copy of Afterglow open.  Damn these confounding CD wrappers.
DBD:  I will get it OPEN!

Dave hits the Osprey Bomb to the CD.

HHH:  That didn’t help.  In fact, that only made things worse.
RF:  It’s all right, I’ll take his old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY!  WOO!
DBD:  Oh NO!  Not my old LADY!!
RF:  Everything will be fine.  We’ll just pin Orton and we’ll be the winners.
HHH:  Oh man, I think you scratched it.

Here’s some highlights of DIVASEARCH 2004!  I don’t remember ANY of this crap happening.

(ads)

Maven v. Sylvain Grenier (w/ Rob Conway)

Maven?  What the hell, dude?  For the season premier of RAW this looks a lot like Heat.  Maybe they’re trying to attach themselves to the juggernaught that is the Heat audience.  The crowd chants U-S-A but this show hasn’t been on that network for, like, 5 years.  You'’ think they would’ve learned by now.  Maven pins Grenier.  Maven is less of a jobber than Rhyno and Tajiri, I guess.  Hell, it’s no friggin’ wonder Hurricane is turning heel.  How do you think HE feels?

(ads)

Back to the near hospital.

TG:  Doctor!  Please tell me that this story is OVER!
DTP:  I recently got fired.  I don’t care.
TG:  That was Dr. Tom Prichard with the Lita report.
KN:  Lita is DEAD!
TG:  No way!  YES!!!  I mean…uh…how awful.
KN:  It’s true.  She doesn’t have a pulse.  And look at the baby.  It’s dead too!
TG:  Ew….Wow.  She’s not even blinking.  What an actress.

Kane leans over the corpse.

KN:  Wanna try for another one, baby?
LT:  ….
KN:  Hold on a second.  This isn’t Lita…this is my Lita Real Doll.
TG:  Then what the hell is…this?
KN:  Oh yeah!  My chicken parmesan.  I was letting it slow cook in the super hot latex womb.

Todd Grisham vomits up his innards.  Todd Grisham has fallen.

KN:  Well then where is Lita and what has happened to my child?
LT:  I’m right here and I’m fine.
KN:  What about the baby?
LT:  That thing is gone.  I guess you could say I had an Abe Orton!
KN:  Oh…OH!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
LT:  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Freeze Frame.

(ads)

Nova says that fat people like to hang out with people who are fatter than them and shows a picture of Stephanie and Triple H.  No wonder they hate you.

DIVASEARCH 2004!!

JC:  There’s only two girls left.  Carmella, the “girl friend” of some stupid ass NFL player and…uh…Lance Storm.
LS:  Halle Berry.
JC:  Whatever.  Now it’s time to finally find out who won….

Here’s Trish Stratus for the…uh…?

TS:  I’m out here so that the crowd can see at least part of this legitimate.  Lance, you’re a good wrestler and you’re Canadian.  But you’re a dude, so you probably shouldn’t win.  However, Carmella, you’re a naked robot which means you probably shouldn’t win either.  But I don’t really give a crap either way.  See you next week.
JC:  All right, thanks Trish.  Now we can officially say that the winner is….

Carmella explodes.

JC:  Uh…LANCE STORM!!
LS:  OH MY GOD!  I FREAKING DID IT!  IN YOUR FACE JADE GOPHER!
JC:  Lance, do you have a comment on the biggest win of your career?
LS:  If I could be serious for a minute.  I’d like to thank Vince McMahon and The Rock for this opportunity.  Tommy and Rob for standing by me.  Hulk for making me believe in myself when nobody else could.  Carmella for being a stupid robot and to all my fans out there who voted for me!  Now, if you will all rise for the playing of the Canadian national anthem.

Look for Lance to debut his new character “Booger Red” in the next few weeks.

(ads)

Evolution v. Chris Benoit, Shelton Benjamin, and Randy Orton

Wow, Shelton is smaller than I remember him.  Usually people come back bigger.  I was expecting him to have breast implants.  He’s the new Shaniqua.  Benoit starts with some chops and restholds OMG BENOIT~!  Then Orton comes in and hits an OMG CHINLOCK~! and everybody hates it.  I hate the double standard in wrestling.  Dave hasn’t even come close to tagging in, which sucks because he’s probably the best wrestler in that ring.  Things get crazy go nuts and everybody bails to fight outside the ring.  There, HHH hits the PEDIGREE TO ORTON~! and Dave hits him with the SUPER CLOSELINE knocking Orton out.  Oh no!  Now he’ll NEVER make anybody fall over.

(ads)

Flair has Shelton in the Figure Four.  I will say this…better than Shawn.  Sorry, HBK.  Benoit hits a bunch of suplexes which pretty much describes his contribution to the wrestling industry.  Say, what happened to his undying friendship with William Regal did they forget about that?  Shelton takes out Batista, bt with Benoit out, things aren’t looking good.  Suddenly Randy Orton teleports to the ring via the power of YJStinger and punches HHH, tags himself into the match and then Flair Flops.  OH MAN!  That’s kinda like falling over.  Orton wins!  Randy poses and soaks up the cheers of the 30 people that stayed after they found out who won the Diva Search.

Next Week:  Shawn Michaels has a crisis of faith as he persecutes Chris Tian.  Kane is in for a shock when Lita zaps his balls.  And the second match for Taboo Tuesday is announced and it’s awesome!  HHH v. Maven for the World Title!

 

Lance and Rob Are Friends
Chapter Eighteen:  UuuuuooooEehh?

Backstage in a dark room, earlier in the day.
HH:  So the plan is in motion, dude?
Mystery Man:  Oh yes.  Yes it is.
HH:  Thank you for the help, brother.  You’re risking a lot to do this, why?
Mystery Man:  I have my reasons.  Just know that the Mountie ALWAYS gets his man.
HH:  So you’re just going to sneak into the ring and shock her with your cattle prod?
MT:  Which will short circuit her.  And the bloody cotton ball dress that you and Dreamer made for her will be an excellent insulator so nobody else gets shocked.
HH:  But what about me and Brooke, brother?  That’s why I got involved.
MT:  Trust me, Mr. Hogan, you’ll have plenty of opportunity.  You’ll be on Smackdown
this week.  Drop her name whenever you want.  Say, like, “Yeah, brother, I remember when Smackdown started 5 years ago, I watched it with my daughter 15 year old international singing sensation Brooke Hogan.
HH:  I love it.

Mantaur gores the Mountie through the door.

PO:  Yar now be the summer of our discontent!

Elsewhere, later, Lance and Rob are celebrating by spraying champagne all over.

LS:  WOOOO!  I can’t believe it!  WE WON!
RVD:  Now we can by 1,957 hot dogs!  Yeah!  All right!!
LS:  Don’t you mean, “We can afford to keep chasing the jade gopher?”
RVD:  Er…yeah. 
LS:  Do you want some champagne, Tommy?
TD:  UuuuuooooEehh?

Tommy takes the bottle and smashes it over his head.

TD:  aaaaaHARDCORE!
RVD:  Duuuuuude, he lost a lot of blood.
LS:  But wasn’t it all worth it?!  I’m the RAW DIVA OF THE YEAR!
VM:  I just wanted to congratulate the Diva Search winner.  Where’s Carmella?
RVD:  She…uh…like, exploded?
LS:  So…I won the Diva Search.

Vince gulps.

VM:  I’m going to…go consult my lawyers.
LS:  WOOO!  Lance Storm!  Diva of the year!
RVD:  Yeah!  All Right!!
TD:  Somebody get me some blood.

To be continued….

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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