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A Very Speciaul Aunniversaury!  

October 12, 2004

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


I'd just like to take a moment to thank everybody who has read this column and/or written to me over the last two years.  You all are awesome.  Special thanks to CRZ, The Rick, and JTL for giving me my breaks.  Now, on with YEAR THREE!


HHH:  Man, I’m so hungry I could eat Stephanie right now.  Damned Intercontinental flights.  I can’t even get this bag of peanuts open.  Dammit.
DBD:  Let me see THOSE!


HHH:  That…didn’t help.

RF:  WOO!  There’s a party goin’ on tonight!  Did y’all see the gigantic cake out there?  The Nature boy will be eating ALL night long.  WOO!
HHH:  Oh, damn.  That’s tonight, isn’t it.  So much for rockin’ out to some Sarah M.  I’ve got to master some ceremonies or some crap.

Chris Jeriucho walks by….

CJ:  Hey, nerds.
HHH:  What did you just say to me?
CJ:  I said:  “Hey!  Nerds!!”  Somebody brought nerds to the potluck.
HHH:  What the crap?  How can they expect me, The Game, to bring something to the lousy pot luck?  Pfft.
CJ:  Well then, you’re uninvited.  You should have just brought some cheese and crackers or something.
HHH:  We don’t bring nothin’ nowhere.
RF:  Actually, we put a cake in a briefcase last year.
HHH:  Wow.  Yeah.  I remember that.
RO:  I lost that cake!  Good thing the one we have this year is, like, 2 stories tall.
HHH:  What the hell are you doing here?
RO:  Just dropping off this cheese and bean casserole.
HHH:  Ah, dammit.  Even Orton brought something.

DBD:  I feel left OUT!
HHH:  I’ve got an idea.  We’ve got two hours, let’s move out.

They leave.

RO:  What the hell was that about?
CJ:  They forgot to bring something to the potluck.
RO:  Oh.  Huh.  What’s that noise.
RVD:  Oh, sorry dude.  I was just eating this giant ice sculpture of Mauven.
MV:  That’s NOT an ice sculpture.  Ow.
RVD:  Who wants some brownies.
RO:  Shouldn’t we wait until after the show to eat those?
RVD:  Yeah!  All right!!
RO:  I’m gonna go get some….

HHH runs in….

RF:  Haha!  That’s why you’re the champ.

Last Week:  Triuple H celebrated his first week of not feuding with Raundy Ortoun by eating a whole vat of paste.  Abe Ortoun continued to show why he is the front runner for the “Best Interview in the Business” award by attacking Kaune with pictures of Shawn Stasiak.  Eudge tried to gain some votes by kissing Kane and Liuta’s dead baby, whose dead baby will he kiss…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Hey!  We’re in friggin’ ENGLAND TONIGHT, DADDY!  Wow!  The picture is really blurry like we’re just waking up from some kind of drug induced haze, which is a pretty accurate description of living in England, actually.  There’s a giant cake on one side of the ramp, and a giant British flag on the other.  Glad to know that the 2nd Sativersary is an event celebrated Worldwide!  If WCW was still around it would be celebrated ON Worldwide.  On a side note:  Hey, Manchester!  Get a better ventilation system.  I’m dying in here.

My Darling Staucy v. Trish Stratuus
For the WWE Women’s Title

Stacy is wearing a neat outfit, but uh…maybe you should buy yourself some wrestling gear, hon.  Real wrestlers don’t wear skirts.  But then again, constantly lifting up Stacy’s skirt to show her panties is probably the best use of a women’s title match…uh…ever.  Trish wins after the girls roll around for just long enough.  This match needed some more Kane.  In what can only be described as a pathetic replacement for the afformentionted more Kane, Moully, Niduia, Victouria, and Gauil Kim run out and stand around for a little while.  What they’re doing there, I don’t know.  Where’s Jauzz?  They mill around for a few seconds and then leave.  RATINGS~!  The crowd, of course, loves it.  Brits can’t get enough of those American asses.


Novua wants to sell you some pills.  I’m not entirely sure I would buy pills from Nova.  But then again, he invented pills, so…hey.  I dunno.  I’ll wait for George Bush to see if they’re safe before I start importing them from OVW.

Here are the infamous Pauge Three Girls.  How many people outside of Horny Internet guys actually know about them in the U.S.  How do I know about them you ask?  I…uh…I do my research?  Yeah….

Lots of research.

Williaum Regaul and Euugene v. La Resistaunce
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

William Regal is shocked because for the first time in his career, he’s actually really over.  Even Eugene is getting a “Bein’ British Rub” tonight.  Plus, I think British people REALLY love Internet nerds.  Especially British women.  Right ladies?  Right?  Have I told you all how hot I was lately?  Officially endorsed by Jeb Tennyson Lund I was.  Conway and Grenier are booed, not because they are French, or because they pretend to be French, but because they USED to pretend they were French.  Really, that’s as good a reason as any.  Go back to Gaul you wussies!  The crowd chants and cheers alongside every move.  Holy cow!  This crowd is absolutely crazy go nuts.  Regal outcheats Grenier and he and Eugene win the tag team titles!  YAY!  Good job, WWE.  You capitalized on a good situation.

(ads…Do I really want someone named Sway…er…I mean, Swauy…telling me who to vote for?)

Eric Bischouff restarts the match because William Regal was flagged for excessive celebration.  Dammit, Regal.  Where’s that British Reserve when you need it?

Williaum Regaul and Euugene v. La Resistaunce
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Eugene is getting beat up by La Resistance, which is more than I can say for Regal, who is enjoying some fish and chips from a fish and chips vendor.  But, then Regal goes all The Rouck and hits Conway with a underperforming, but critically well-received action movie.  Conway is devastated.  Really, I think he’s just sad that he was passed over for Eye Scream Man.  Then Grenier hits Regal in the chest with a flagpole.  La Resistance wins.  The crowd is not particularly impressed.  I’m right there with you…uh…England.


La Resistance walk by the Bischoffice, and he compliments them on their win.  But he also notes that they did absolutely nothing to help him out with the ultimate goal of RAW which is to kill off Eugene.  Conway starts to apologize, but Bischoff isn’t hearing it.  I guess they’ll fight the losers of the “HHH Consolation Prize Challenge”.  Queen Frostine/Chris Benoit v. La Resistance at Taboo Tuesday!

Back in the Evolution Locker Room….

HHH:  Well…what do we have?
RF:  Three packets of unopenable airline peanuts, one packet of Certs breath mints, a half a pack of Juicy Fruit gum, and…a truffle?
HHH:  Ok, this is crap guys.  We’ve got to think harder.
RF:  What if I took their old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY!! WOOO!
HHH:  Uh…no.
RF:  We could put it all in a blender and say they were protein shakes?
HHH:  Not too bad.  Not too bad.  Keep thinking though.  Man, even Kane baked a bunch of chicken in his Lita Real Doll.
DBD:  Let’s buy something from CONCESSIONS!
HHH:  Dave, you are the future of this business.
DBD:  But, I’m almost FOURTY!
HHH:  That’s all right.  We’re only goin’ like another year or two.
RF:  We’ve got your back, Trips.
DBD:  And we’ve got your front TOO!
HHH:  Great!  Thanks guys.
RF:  If anybody tries to take you out from behind, we’ll get in there FIRST.  We’re gonna saddle up behind you and take care of YOU!.  Nobody Double teams HHH but US!
DBD:  We love you HUNTER!
HHH:  Uh….

Here’s Abe Orton….

JR:  Why did you try to kill Kane last week?
AO:  Hey, I tried to kill Kane last week because I’m awesome.
JR:  What was with those stupid pictures of Meat?
AO:  I dunno.  What the hell do you want from me?  I’m the new Teust.
JR:  Toast?
AO:  No, no.  “Teust”.  It’s British.
JR:  Oh.
AO:  Man, do I suck.  How do I keep getting away with this crap?
TEJ:  Hey!  Down with the WWE!  Wait…you guys are in England?  I LOVE Europe.  Waaah!  Waaaaaaaaaah!

Kane looks distraught.  Kane loves Tough Enough Jessie.


The Hurricaune and Some Kind of Manchester United Floaut v. Val Veunis and Stevie Richaurds

This match is over before it begins, as Kane runs out and beats everybody up and then wastes on Val with a chair.  I guess that’s for not letting Tough Enough Jessie onto the plane.  She really SHOULD be here for the Satirebration.  The WWE really got their money’s worth by sending these guys over, huh?  They sent over guys for Heat, too.  Val crawls up the ramp because he knows the cameras will follow him.  He’s getting more screen time than he has in YEARS!  Then Kane caves in his skull.  Well…it was worth it.


Here’s Randy Orton.

RO:  Man, I should be main eventing this next PPV.  What the hell is the matter with these bookers.  But now I’ve got to wrestle Triple Naitch.  Yes, old, boring, annoying, pansy-ass Triple Naitch.  What hast I done to be forsaken so?  WHAT HAST I DONE?!  Why if Triple Naitch were here right now, I’d take off my mustard yellow suit and throw it at him in disgust.

Flair’s music fires up, and he shuffles out.

RF:  Where the hell is the cotton candy guy?  Hey!  Hey!  I need, like five thousand cones of cotton candy. 
Giles the Vendour:  I’m not sure we have any cotton candy scones, guv.
RF:  No…no…CONES!  Not scones.  Hey, don’t make me chop you, fat boy.
RO:  I really respected you, Ric.  You were my idol growing up.  What the hell has happened to you?
RF:  I’m old and CRAZY!  WOO!  I’m LUCKY to be hanging around with anybody, much less HHH.
RO:  Well…at least everybody will love my casserole.
RF:  I’ll tell you what.  Let’s get a huge ass limo, some chicks with bad teeth and let’s go light up the town!  Screw buying all these friggin’ cotton candy scones.
GtV:  Oh. 
RO:  Not tonight, Ric.  This suit is due back at the suit story by midnight.
RF:  Darn.  Scone me then, kid.
GtV:  Yes sir, Mister….
RF:  Flair.  You spell that B-I-N-G-O.
GtV:  What?
RF:  Oh.  Sorry.  B-I-U-N-G-O.
GtV:  Riiiiight.


The Page Four Girls:  Not nearly as impressive.

Rhyuno v. Chris Jeuricho

Rhyno and Jericho brawl for a while, which obviously favors Rhyno, because…uh…Jericho sucks at brawling.  Jericho gets control however, by shooting Rhyno in the face with a scrunchie, and attempts the Lionsault.  That move hasn’t hit since the late 90s, however, and so Jericho is down.  Chris Tiaun and Tyson Toumko take advantage and attack.  I hope Hurricane wins the title shot, just to mess with their heads.  Couch comes out and tells them to restart the match as a tag match.  I guess I’m willing to do THAT in exchange for bemoaning the lack of wrestling on this show.


Rhyuno and Chris Jeuricho v. Chris Tiaun and Tyson Toumko

I guess Taujiri got dumped?  Poor Tajiri.  Rhyno and Jericho aren’t too pleased with this arrangement, mostly because both guys are more interested in doing something with the Intercontinental Title so long as they’re on a different continent and all.  Tian and Tomko are just happy to be here and … respectively.  Jericho picks up the win, but finds himself on the bad end of an OSPREY BOMB~! from “Dave” Batista “Davidson” who was out trying to get some “chips” for their meal, and thought it might be nice to beat someone up.  Dave puts on the I.C. belt because his underwear keeps slipping.

Chris Benouit, Edge, and Shawn Michauels are backstage.

CB:  You suck.
EG:  You are the one who sucks.
SM:  Am I the only one in this room who can give a good interview?
CB:  Yes.
EG:  No.
SM:  What?
EG:  More like, what’s up jibblies!
SM:  I hate you.
CB:  Guys, how are we ever going to work together tonight if we can’t get along.
SM:  Shut up, restholds.
CB:  Grrr….


Over on Smackdown:  Razor Ramon won the U.S. Title.  Congrats!  Also, John Cena got beat up at a bar and lost his smile.  Poor, John.

Launce Storm will fight Caurmella in either an aerobics match, an evening gown match, or an underoos challenge.  I bet you can guess which one he’d like you to pick!


Chris Benouit, Shawn Michaeuls, and Eudge v. Evoulution

The crowd chants for Michaels as Benoit takes control of the match.  See?  Even British crowds don’t care about Benoit.  Triple H avoids his potential opponents, as, to be completely honest with you, he’d rather wrestle Queen Frostine.  Benoit and Flair trade chops, and the crowd finally starts paying attention to the match.  Flair falls over.  Orton wins?  Triple H and Batista are PISSED the Randy is able to sneaks such attacks underneath their guard.  Then we play “Mime Wrestling” for a minute.  Toummy Dreamer is a man in a box.


Everybody fights while Michaels prances around the ring.  THAT’S how you get votes.  If Kerry REALLY wants to win this election, he should run around the audience high fiving everybody while Bush talks.  People love that kind of stuff.  The ensuing exchange should go something like:

Moderator:  Mr. Kerry, please, we’re trying to hold a prestigious presidential debate here.
JK:  I’m sorry, Mr. Moderator, but I LOVES ME SOME AMERICA!  GIVE IT UP, PEOPLE!!
GWB:  Uh…well…er…what my opponent is ignoring is that winning a war is hard work.  He says that we’re in the wrong war, wrong place, wrong time, but what about Poland’s feelings?  Huh?
Moderator:  Senator Kerry?  A rebuttal?
JK:  K-DAWG IN THE HIZZOUSE!  We’re gonna light this place up, yo!  Now show me some love!

Kerry runs through the audience high fiving people as girls take their tops off.  Bush is flustered.

Moderator:  Senator PLEASE!
JK:  What’s the matter?  You don’t like…Braaaaaaaaiiins…Braaaaaaiiiins….
GWB:  There he goes again, folks.  First he DOESN’T like brains.  Now he does.  You need a decisive leader.  Like me.  I said I liked tea cozies and I refuse to change my position no matter what.

Flair and Batista fight outside the ring about who is going to pay for the 1,000 cups of tea they just ordered while Triple H finds himself in the nasty predicament of getting superkicked.  However, before HBK can steal a meaningless victory, Edge tags himself in and pins Hunter.  He grabs a mic after the match.

EG:  YEAH!  Haha!  A winner is me!  Now vote for me, and I won’t ever talk on this show again.
HBK:  Oh no you don’t.  I know your tricks.
CB:  Vote for me, because you friggin’ know you love PPV matches that are 50% restholds.  You KNOW you do.
HBK:  All right.  Why don’t we just take a poll of the crowd….

Eric Bischoff rushes out.

EB:  Oh, no!  No polls.  Come on, guys, that’s how we ended up with this mess in the first place.  Here’s what we do.  Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Edge Spears Michaels and Benoit.

EG:  Paper, bitches!

Next Week:  In an epic Chili Cookoff, Shawn Michaels, Edge and Chris Benoit try to convince people that one of them can beat HHH, but none of them can.  We’re only one day away from Taboo Tuesday and we still don’t know what My Darling Stacy will be wearing!  All hell breaks loose when Kane and Abe Orton finally get a hold of the Lita Real Doll.


Lance And Rob Are Friends
Special Satire 2nd Anniversary Edition


LS:  Wow.  This pea soup is really good, Tommy.  When did you find time to make this.
TD:  Pea soup?  I just got a bowl full of water from the Thames.


LS:  Ew…Wait, why are we in England?  The jade gopher isn’t over here.
TD:  Getting more cultured is HARDCORE!
LS:  I guess….

Three steps to the left….

RVD:  AH!  Don’t eat my soul!  Please!!
ALF:  I’m not going to eat your soul, silly.
RVD:  You’re not?
ALF:  No way, Jose.  ALF eats pussy.
RVD:  Yeah!  All right!!
ALF:  No problemo!

Across the room….

CJ:  So what did you finally get, Hunter?
HHH:  These…uh…penis shaped raviolis? 
CJ:  You asshole.  That’s what Val brought.  Just because Kane caved his head in doesn’t mean that you can steal his potluck item.
HHH:  Sure it does.  Right Naitch?

Everyone turns and looks at Flair who is shoving ravioli in his pants.

RF:  Man of 1,000 penises.  WOO!
RO:  Man, this party is lame.  I wish somebody would have brought some REAL party food like cotton candy scone flavored protein shakes.
RF:  See?  I TOLD YOU!

At the other end of the table….

DBD:  Yay!  Who brought TRUFFLES!
MT:  I did.  Because I knew you loved them.  Mr. Davidson, I need your help.
DBD:  Errr…OK?
MT:  Yes!  Viva La Resistance!!
RC:  Are you talking about us?
MT:  No.
RC:  Oh.  Syvain, go get some more French bread!
TD:  Breadsticks are HARDCORE!
WR:  Would anyone care for a spot of tea?  Haha!  I’m really in my element here.
RO:  Your element is totally boring.

Regal and Orton get into a shoving match, which leads to an all out food-fight brawl.  RVD and ALF hide under the giant purple elephant and finish their brownies.

MT:  Hahahahahaha…everything is going according to pla….

Mantaur gores Mountie through the cake.  Aw dammit.  Now it’s all sweaty.

To Be Continued….

Thank You and Good Night!!


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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