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RAW SATIRE    
A Chicken in Every Pot, A Car in Every
Garage, and an Evolution in Every Segment! 

November 23, 2004

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Writer’s Note:  Tonight, for the sake of former wrestling columnist and riverboat gambler “Tennessee” Jeb Lund, I’m going to be spelling out the names of the wrestlers in their first line of speech.  Hopefully now the Internet’s version of cuddly cartoon mouse Brain will be able to follow along.  I mean, he’s been asking about this for two years now, which makes me think he’s never understood a single one of these things.  Uh…lemme know what YOU my loyal reader thinks.  That’s right.  You know who you are.  Geez, get to e-mailing already.  I’ll wait.  Er…maybe read the Satire first.  Oh.  And send me a birthday present.  I accept PayPal!
 
Last Week:  RAW was Mavetacular when Sunday Night Heat’s Maven took control.  But, HHH kicked out.  It sure did look like Evolution was going to split up, but will they do it in a few weeks or will they do it…TONIGHT?!

Shelton Benjamin:  What the hell?  What are you doing here?
Trish Stratus:  I’m wearing this towel for our Monday Night Football skit.

SB:  Oh, that got cancelled.
TS:  What?  Why?
SB:  Something about “not wanting to remind fans that football is on.”
TS:  But Kansas City sucks.
SB:  I don’t make the rules, man.  I just follow them.
Test:  Hi.  What’s going on?
TS:  What the hell are you doing back here?  You got fired.
TT:  I know, but dig this, I’m here to pitch my new gimmick to Vince.
SB:  Let’s hear it.
TT:  I am professional body guard turned wrestler turned NBA Baller turned assault artist turned rapper:  Ron R. Test.
TS:  Uh….
SB:  Yeah….
Ron Simmons:  That was gonna be my gimmick, man.  Damn.
Vince McMahon:  You’re ALL fired.
SB:  What?
TS:  What?
Steve Austin:  What?
VM:  I’m just kidding.  Happy Thanksgiving everybody.
TT:  Whew.
VM:  Except you:  Test, Faarooq. and Austin.  Get the hell out of my building.
RS:  Damn.  

(Opening Credits)

Oh crap.  This week the General Manager is Chris Benoit, and he’s truly putting the “general man” back into “General Manager”.

Chris Benoit:  That’s right!  It’s me!  The Cripplin’ Canadian!  I’m trying!  To sound real excited!  Maven v. Abe!  J.R. v. Coach!  Dave v. Jericho!  Lita v. Moly v. Trish!  Me v. Triple H!  Honestly, folks, I know that’s just not the kind of hot wrestling action you’d expect from a show booked by Chris Benoit, but to be honest with you, my plans got all messed up.  I had this really cool idea for putting up a piece of paper outside my office and anybody who wanted to wrestle a straight technical match could sign up and I’d book it.  Well, all that happened was that Jericho drew the Fozzy sign on the top, Batista wrote in “Osprey v. FISH,” then Eugene crossed out “FISH” and wrote “POOP,” then Orton came by and carved “R.O. + R.O. = <3” through the paper and into my door. So I’m just booking out of my ass right now folks, and I honestly can’t remember any of the good wrestlers on Heat’s names, so you’re stuck with this crappy card.  Sorry. 

Ricky Steamboat comes out and shakes his head in disgust, causing Benoit to weep at his inadequacy. 

Maven v. Abe Orton

Maven is still RIDING HIGH, BABY!  HHH may have kicked out of a bunch of crap last week, but Maven, man, Maven is riding this wave all the way to the main event.  I mean, who the crap is Abe Orton but just some guy?  So what he killed some babies a couple months ago, the only one who was involved in that storyline and is still on TV is Lita, and she’s doing this thing with Trish right now.  No, sir.  This one will be all the Mavin Event.  Abe kicks Maven to start.  That gets the pin.  Uh…Better luck next year, Maven.

(ads)

Backstage, Evolution is speaking.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley:  Man, did you see that last week?  That was AWESOME!
Ric Flair:  You took their old ladies on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN FAT BOY!  WOO!
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”:  I booked the main EVENT!
HHH:  YOU BASTARD!  YOU wrote in me against Benoit.  That’s it, you’re out of Evolution!
DBD:  Oh NO!
RF:  Hunter, Hunter!  He didn’t mean that.  He wrote in for a seagull to face a fish.
DBD:  It was an OSPREY!
RF:  Fine, a seagull to face an osprey….
DBD:  No….
RF:  Benoit booked the main event.
HHH:  A seagull vers…What the crap, Dave?  Man, what the hell is wrong with you?  Did Randy make you fall over too much?  Are those tattoos choking you out?  You’re an idiot.
DBD:  I am NOT!  Ric says SO!
HHH:  What the hell?
RF:  Hunter, he’s just having some trouble….
DBD:  Ric says I can go to community COLLEGE!
HHH:  Ric, don’t encourage him.
DBD:  L
RF:  AH!  Knock that off!
DBD:  SNIFF!
HHH:  Here’s an idea, go get your little dictionary and look up the word “loser.”

Dave runs out to the car and pages through the dictionary.  He comes back.

DBD:  You drew a picture of me next to IT!
HHH:  Hot damn, I’m the cerebral assassin.
RF:  That’s just not cool, Man.
DBD:  I have to go be in my MATCH!
HHH:  Yeah?  Try not to job on your way out there.

Tajiri sneaks up behind Dave and rolls him up for the three.

HHH:  Can’t even do that right.  Geez.

In the ring….

My Darling Stacy:  Ok, enough of me giving away all those crappy T-Shirts that weren’t selling at the merch counter.  Who would have thought nobody wanted half-off Gail Kim Tees or Val Venis “Check Out My Cock” baby Tees?  In any event, I was just out here to tell everyone that for his birthday this Wednesday, I bought my Matt a ECW DVD!  YAY!  See you soon, honey!

Err…that’s great, but I’ve already got one of those.  Maybe I can exchange it for…uh…that Metal Gear game.  Here’s Nova for the two point conversion.

Nova:  Hey there, fatty.
MDS:  What?
SA:  What?
Vince:  I told you to get the hell out of here!
SA:  Dammit.
NV:  You heard me.  You’re a fat ass.  Geez, look at all that chub.
MDS:  What’s really going on here?
NV:  Look at that.  ECW.  I used to be something.  I used to be a STAR!
MDS:  You can still be a star.
NV:  No, no.  What the hell?  I INVENTED ECW!  Why am I here?

Stand Back!

The Hurricane:  Stay away from her!  She needs to be safe until Matt’s Birthday Party!
NV:  What the hell are you?
TH:  I’m The Hurricane!  The WWE’s resident Super Hero, citizen Nova.
NV:  I remember when I used to be a superhero.  OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE?!

Nova starts to whip Hurricane with Hulk Hogan’s weight belt, whipping away years of pain and neglect.  Some Kind of Denver Broncos Float wheels out to observe the proceedings which is enough to send Nova packing.  Probably back to OVW.  Ok, ok, not yet.

Backstage, two random girls are talking about Evolution.

Barbi:  So, like, what do you think of Evolution?!
Arbi:  What?  Is that, like, a new perfume?
Barbi:  No, it’s a professional wrestling super group.
Arbi:  Wrestling?  Ew.  Who watches that crap?
Barbi:  Then why are you hanging out backstage?
Arbi:  Because I want to have sex with Randy Orton.
Barbi:  Me too!  Yay!
Arbi:  Yay!  Triple H is such a pathetic jerk.  He should be nicer to Dave.
Barbi:  But I thought you just said….
Arbi:  I’m moving along the plot.
Barbi:  Oh, to avoid the presence of the Voice of the….
Arbi:  Ixnay on the Oicvay….
Barbi:  I don’t speak French.

Dave and Ric walk by….

Ric Flair:  Come on, Hunter, doesn‘t mean it.
Barbi:  We love you, Naitch!
Arbi:  Why am I named after a sandwich shop?
RF:  I love you too, girls.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”:  Is it his time of the MONTH?!
RF:  If I’ve explained this once, I’ve explained it a HUNDRED times, Dave, boys don’t have that kind of…thing.
DBD:  Then why is he such a meany HEAD?!
RF:  I think it’s the steroids.
DBD:  But I take a million of them and I’m not MEAN!
RF:  Shhh…shh…

(ads)

Chris Jericho v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” (w/ Ric Flair)

Dave stomps down to the ring and punches Jericho a few times.  Jericho gets in a few offensive maneuvers, but truth be told, nothing is going to happen in regards to Chris Jericho until it’s his week to run RAW.  Then he’ll be the subject of a totally exciting and amazing one week push!  So, in any event, Dave goes for the OSPREY BOMB~! But he decides against it and instead mills around aimlessly for a while outside the ring.  Dave is a strategy master!  I heard members of MENSA routinely lose to him at Snakes and Ladders.  Or Chutes and Ladders.  Whatever.  Jericho begins rolling to the outside and Batista turns and breaks Ric Flair over Jericho’s face.  The ref disqualifies Dave for Flair’s interference.  That’s hardly fair.  Last I checked, Ric Flair is an offensive maneuver.

(ads)

Evolution has congregated again….

Ric Flair:  WOO!  Evolution night on RAW!
Chris Benoit:  Hey!
Ric Flair:  Shut up!
Triple H:  Way to lose the match, Dave.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”:  I thought Ric interfering was a MOVE!
RF:  Me too, actually.
HHH:  Well, he isn’t.  You screwed up.  Now you owe me a hundred dollars.
DBD:  No I DON’T!
HHH:  Did I forget to say that?  Dammit.
DBD:  Ha HA!
HHH:  Shut up.  In fact….

PEDIGREE TO DAVE~!

Ric has a heart attack in shock as HHH grins evilly.  Meanwhile, Todd Grisham is with Edge….

Todd Grisham:  What’s goin’ on.  This is Todd Grisham here with Edge.
Edge:  Uh…didn’t you sacrifice yourself last week?
TG:  No.  No.  I…NO!  I don’t know what you’re talking about.
EG:  Fine, you know what?  Whatever.  I’m going to go talk to random people.

Edge approaches a production worker.

EG:  You don’t work here.
Tough Enough Jessie:  Not anymore thanks to you.  I hate you!  Waaaaah….  

Edge wanders over to some guy.

EG:  Hey, dude, Edge for World Title, right?
Ricky Steamboat:  Whatever, man.  So long as they don’t make me spit fire again.
TG:  Hello?  Interview over here.
Chris Benoit:  Interview me.
TG:  I’d…rather not.
CB:  I’m the GM.  I said INTERVIEW ME!
TG:  A little help, Edge?  This guy’s going to ramble on until we run out of time for you!

Edge punches Steamboat in the stomach causing him to breathe fire all over Todd Grisham.

CB:  So much for that interview.

(ads)

Chris Benoit reveals to Coach that while he SAID J.R., he meant J. Rhyno.  And the J stands for “Jobbin’.”  Coach can’t be TOO disappointed, I guess.

Rhyno v. Jonathan Coachman

Rhyno gores Coach and wins.  Wow.  That was the best match ever.  Certainly the best tonight.  Rhyno needs more Kane.  He should have come in wearing a mask and claiming to be Kane’s long lost second cousin Phillipe.  Phillipe was Paul Bearer’s other son, by all accounts a wonderful young man with a growth deformity that crammed the figure of a seven foot tall monster into a body that was only three feet tall.  Ridiculed and teased all his life for his hunched stockiness, he finally lashed out setting fire to all the tables in the lunchroom one day and putting all the kids who were teasing him through them.  Unfortunately, one of his eyebrows caught fire and left him a scared victim of his own assaults.  Eventually that healed over, but nobody ever knew because Rhyno loved his TV star brother so much, he continued to wear the protective mask long after it was necessary.

Lita looks lost.

(ads)

Molly Holly v. Lita v. Trish Stratus
For the WWE Women’s Title

Trish is wearing a Kane mask to piss off Lita.  Somewhere Kane, X-Pac, and Lil’ Phillipe are seething.  THIS is your WWE Women’s division.  Except Victoria.  Speaking of, I was listening to WWE The Music Volume 6 the other night, and is that Stevie Richards doing the “Go” part?  Poor Stevie.  Lita tries to get the pin on Molly, but Trish gets there first.  Don’t worry, Molly.  Every division needs their jobber.  Trish retains the title.  She celebrates by chokeslamming Lita straight to hell.

Backstage with…You’ll never believe this…EVOLUTION!

Ric Flair:  Ok.  So, I want you to make up with HHH.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”:  I don’t want TO!
RF:  Listen, I know it sucks, but the only way we’ll ever win matches is if we’re with him.  We can’t lose too many if we’re hanging around with him, right?
DBD:  I guess NOT!
RF:  So it’s a deal?
DBD:  Only if he buys me some cotton CANDY!
RF:  You and your demands…well, I’ll see what I can do.

(ads)

In an attempt to make Shelton Benjamin seem more hardcore and ghetto, here are several intimidatingly cut shots of house cats and freshly mowed lawns on the mean streets of Orangeburg.

Shelton Benjamin, Eugene and William Regal v. Chris Tian and La Resistance (w/ Tyson Tomko)

Regal immediately pulls out a cot and takes a nap leading me to suspect that he will be used sparingly in this match.  Eugene gets to roll around for a little while before the big boys take over and starts suplexing everybody like it’s Friday at Suplex McCheesy’s.  Try the Crispy McCheesy Steak Sandwich.  Shelton gets the pin and the win.  Regal rolls over.  Eugene rolls around the ring.  Shelton eats some rolls.  Some kids jump into the ring, but are big booted by Ron R. Test.

Hassan and Dalvari tremble in fear of our “flying machines”.  But unfortunately, traveling by horse and buggy to an even means they can never make it in time for their match.  If only their were a faster way.  It’s tough being Amish.  But the nice part?  CHICKENS!

(ads)

Over on Smackdown:  Introducing WWE U.S. Champion:  The Marine!  What would Jesus do?  Punch somebody in the kidney.

Batista leaves muttering.  Ric Flair calls over for medical assistance, but the best he can do are WWE Doctors Stevie Richards and Val Venis.  Woah, since when has Val been bald?

Ric Flair:  What is it?  Do you think it’s serious?
Stevie Richards:  Looks like he just kinda collapsed here.
Val Venis:  Aha!  He was hit over the head by a largish picture dictionary.
SR:  Brilliant!
VV:  That means the culprit is….
SR:  The Genius?
VV:  Err…Batista.
SR:  Oh.  Good call.
Chris Benoit:  Doctor, can he make it to the ring for our match?
VV:  Uh…I dunno.  He survived a fatal car crash, not to mention Zombie brain eating…uh…nuclear strike.  My prognosis?  Probably next week.
CB:  That’s too late!  I need him tonight!  It’s my only night as GM!
SR:  Well, I wouldn’t know that because I only show up on Heat.
VV:  Yeah.  This is in God’s hands now.
CB:  You mean mine?
VV:  No, no.  His.
CB:  Damn.
Edge:  Benoit, I want to have a match.  I signed your little sheet.
CB:  Fine, let’s go wrestle right now.
EG:  I booked myself in a panties on a pole match against Stacy.
CB:  Shut up and get to the ring.
EG:  Fiiiiine.

(ads)

Chris Benoit v. Edge
In the Confines of a Steel Cage

Benoit tries to lock in some restholds to start, but Edge isn’t having any of it so he pushes off and stands in one corner.  Dude, that’s no way to gain the love of the Internet public.  We loves our restholds.  The two argue about whose neck was the one that was most broken, but that discussion only devolves into some pointless brawling.  Backstage, Batista watches the match and wonders what happened to the Osprey/Fish or Panties on a pole matches.  You and me both, sister.

(ads)

The guys are using the cage to their advantage now, sticking their tongues out between the links because they know the audience can’t get at them.  Benoit starts head butting the hell out of Edge, trying to shake a good promo loose, I guess.  It doesn’t work though, as he just ends up getting dizzy and walking around in circles.  Edge tries to take advantage of this and he spears at Benoit, but he misses and Benoit falls over out to the outside.  Benoit and Orton win.  Edge cries because he didn’t get a pony for Thanksgiving.  Batista comes out and says that HHH better get to the ring right away to see what he found backstage.  Looks like he’s about to start what he’s finished.

(ads)

Hunter shambles on out.  There is an intense staredown.

Triple H:  What?  What is it?
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”:  I could beat you for the TITLE!
HHH:  Says you.
DBD:  But I’ve got something even worse for YOU!
HHH:  What’s that?
DBD: A HUG!

Dave and Hunter hug.

HHH:  That’s right.  OMG SWERVED~!
DBD:  I love Hunter like a FATHER!
HHH:  That’s right, Davey.  Later we’re going for ice cream.
DBD:  YAY!

Randy Orton spins out.

Randy Orton:  Not so fast!  I’ve got big plans for you next week.  You might not want to get fat.
HHH:  What?
RO:  All the superstars from RAW and Heat, guys like Maven and Jericho and Viscera and…uh…Maven and Jericho and probably Abe Orton an d Tyson Tomko…other people too…anybody backstage that day, will be taking you on in a Battle Royal for the WWE World Title.
HHH:  Oh, hells no.
RO:  Oh hells yes!
HHH:  But that match would have to take the whole two hours give or take a women’s match….
RO:  And really, could you blame me for dropping it?
HHH:  And there’d be nobody on Heat.
RO:  I’ve got that covered.
HHH:   What?
RO:  We’re gonna run an hour of stock footage of Sgt. Slaughter saluting various kitchenware for an hour instead of Heat.
HHH:  Man.  You’ve got ME beat.

Next Week:  Things are Crazy Go Nuts as the aforementioned battle royal happens.  Who wins the title?  My money is on Todd Grisham.  My birthday is over, but the celebration is only beginning as My Darling Stacy prances around the ring for the first hour.

Chris Benoit:  Hey!  He’s not hurt!  Ring the bell, dammit!
Vince McMahon:  Uh…the show is over.  It’s been over for about ten minutes now.
CB:  Damn.

 

Lance and Rob Are Friends
Chapter 26:  Four Score…Good for Them

Lance Storm:  Why are we way the hell out here?
Tommy Dreamer:  What do you mean?
LS:  Well, we usually start at RAW and work from there.  Tonight were’ out in the middle of this street.  What the hell?
TD:  The jade gopher should be coming by any minute.  I got a call saying it would.
LS:  If you insist.
Rob Van Dam:  Woah…Did anybody see that ECW DVD?  I was on there.
LS:  Of course you were, Rob.  You were a major guy in ECW.  We all were.
RVD:  Yeah!  All right!!
LS:  Unfortunately, we were paid thirteen cents per night…when we got paid at all.
RVD:  Bummer.  I could have bought, like, a thousand chicken wings with that money.
TD:  Oops I fell down this hole.

Tommy falls down a sewer grating.

RVD:  That hole just, like, materialized out of thin air.
LS:  No it didn’t.  We just weren’t paying attention.
RVD:  Yeah!  All right!!
LS:  Tommy are you ok, down there?

Suddenly, two shadowy figures jump out from an alleyway and knock out Lance and Rob with steel chairs.  They drag them off.

The Mountie:  Aw, dammit!  Who the hell ELSE could be after these guys?  I better tail them. You will soon be in prison, Storm and Van Dam!  You hear me?!  YOU WILL…Oops I fell down this hole.

Mountie stands up in the sewage….

MT:  Uh…Hello?  Tommy?  Are you there.  Oh.  Hey, Tommy.  Why are you running at me?

Mantaur gores Mountie into the sewage.  Meanwhile, out in a field.

LS:  Ow…Where the hell are we?
RVD:  I hope we’re in Candy Land!
???:? ??????  Not quite, Rob.
LS:  I know that voice!  What are you doing?
???:  You haven’t figured it out yet?
RVD:  I know that voice too!  Teddy Ruxpin!  You’ve come back to me!

Paul Heyman steps out from behind the motorcycle, painted green and wearing a green sweat suit. 

Paul Heyman:  That’s right!  It’s been ME ALL ALONG!!  Saturn, Balls, take them to the ECW arena!
LS:  NOOOOOOO!
RVD:  Yeah!  All right!!
LS:  No pay, remember?
RVD:  Oh, no.  Duuuuude.

4.…

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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