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RAW SATIRE    
RAW is ORTON, And Orton Doesn't
Know What the Hell He's Doing   

November 30, 2004

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week:  Chris Benoit bored the hell out of everyone as he accomplished absolutely nothing in his week of RAW.  Triple H faked an injury so that he could teach “Dave” Batista “Davidson” a valuable lesson:  Tobacco is Wacko When You’re a Teen!  Plus, it was my birthday, will it be my birthday again…TONIGHT?!

Uh…no.

(Opening Credits)
 

The ring is filling up with random people.  Hey!  Which jobber will be the one to win the title?  Will it be Viscera?  That’d be awesome.  Hey, it’s Vince!  He’s the new Randy Orton, I guess?

Vince McMahon:  Hey, everybody.  I can’t believe they called me out here to do this.  Man, I’m hung over right now.

So hey, here’s the thing, last week we screwed up.  REALLY bad.  So, instead of having a battle royal for the World Title, tonight, we’re just going to have a battle royal to kill some time.  Hell, it’s better than REAL wrestling, right?  Besides, I heard TNA is going under.  I mean, isn’t that great?  What else are you going to watch?  Football.  OH BOY!  GREEN BAY!  Pfft.  You know you’re going to watch the battle royal, and you’re going to love every excruciating second of it.  So…here we goooo!!

Ric Flair, “Dave” Batista “Davidson,” Sylvan Grenier, Rob Conway, “Sean Cold” Val Venis, Master Chief, Master Shake, Eugene, William Regal, Viscera, Chris Tian, Tyson Tomko, Chris Jericho, Jonathan Coachman, Some Kind of Denver Broncos Float, Haku, Haiku, The Hurricane, Maven, Edge, Abe Orton, Shelton Benjamin, The Ducks, Tajiri, Rhyno, Test…no wait he was fired…, Chris Benoit, Lilian Garcia, Stevie Richards, Snake Eyes
For the WWE World Title…Maybe…No?  For the Title Shot, Then.

Viscera is too fat to get into the ring, so he’s already out.  What?  The Denver Broncos Float can make it in, but YOU can’t?  Sean Cold hits everybody with a STUNNER, and J.R. falls over.  Orton wins!  But he’s the GM, and he can’t win anyway, so back to the match.  It’s nice to see the ducks getting a push again.  But then they get eliminated by Abe.  Well…whatever.  They quack and chase the refs up the ramp.  Eugene eliminates Maven by telling him that dropkicks do not equal a moveset.  Abe Orton bellows.

(ads)

Hey!  Where’d everybody go?  Batista and Abe have a brief square off, where they argue about the validity of the elections in the Ukraine.  Then the other wrestlers pull Abe away before Abe and Dave fuse to become Ave Ortista, baby killing, Oregon Trail Lover.  Dave gets so pissed off that someone would DARE stop his argument, that he eliminates Ric Flair who goes crazy and eats the ring apron.  The ducks come back out to quack at J.R. for ignoring the match to talk about his new hat.  Then they get distracted by how nice J.R.’s new hat is.  Almost everybody else is eliminated when Thor, God of Thunder comes down and starts zapping everybody.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”:  Dude, knock that OFF!
Thor, God of Thunder:  Whoops!  Isn’t this the Triple H/Maven match?
Chris Jericho:  No, that was a few weeks ago.
TGoT:  Oh.  Damn.  Sorry about all this, then.
Chris Benoit:  Don’t worry aboot it.  Hey!  Didn’t you used to produce that old WCW B show?
TGoT:  That was a dark and painful point in my life.  I’d rather not talk about That Which Bore My Name.
DBD:  I don’t know what you’re talking ABOUT!

HHH kicks out anyway.  Just in case.

(ads)

Stevie Richards has knocked everybody down, causing one guy in the 48th row, section 112 to chant “E-C-Dub!”  Everybody stands up and throws Stevie into the air.  We’ve got what?  Jericho, Edge, Batista, Shelton and Benoit.  Shelton is eliminated first because he’s black.  Dave tosses Jericho, but is eliminated himself when Edge sneaks up behind him and says, “BOO!”  Edge and Benoit both agree to disagree and leave the ring at the same time.  What a conundrum!  Lilian Garcia announces the winner as Tyson Tomko.  I guess….

(ads)

Backstage, Randy Orton is watching the video of Edge and Benoit. 

Randy Orton:  I’m not sure what the hell is going on.
Vince McMahon:  Welcome to the wonderful world of being a booker in the WWE.  NONE of us are sure.
RO:  But still…I mean, what the hell do I do?
VM:  You’re the GM.  Make something up.
RO:  Boobies on Parade?
VM:  Ok.  Good one.  But I mean about the World Title situation.
RO:  Randy Orton wins?
VM:  Come on, you’re not thinking.
RO:  Uh…Give the title to Kane?  It needs more Kane.
VM:  I’ll tell you what, let me know when you’ve got a REAL answer.

Vince leaves.

Edge:  Is he gone?
RO:  Yeah.  What do you want?
EG:  The title?
RO:  But you and Benoit agreed to disagree!
EG:  That was just a clever ruse on my part.  This way I didn’t have to win the match, and I already KNEW that you wouldn’t pick that boring dumbass Benoit.  
RO:  Hmm…you make a convincing argument.
EG:  Come on.  Can a girl get a salad?  Huh?  Huh?
RO:  On second thought.  I’m gonna wander off camera.
EG:  What?!  No!  Wait!  COME BACK!!

In an entirely different backstage area….

Maven:  I can’t believe this.  I should be the number one contender.
Shelton Benjamin:  For what?  Heat?
MV:  No!  For the World Title!
SB:  Let’s be fair, here, man.  I’m SHOCKED you’ve made it this long on RAW.
MV:  Yeah.  Me too.

Eugene jumps in.

Eugene Dinsmore:  Hey!  I read on a message board that Maven was turning heel tonight.
MV:  All right!  A new gimmick!
ED:  You mean A gimmick.
MV:  Right.
SB:  Aren’t there already too many heels on Heat?
ED:  Hey, what do you suppose Heat looks like this week anyway?!  Everybody was on RAW….
MV:  Oh God!  My show!!
William Regal:  Godspeed little man.

Maven dashes off.  Elsewhere….

Randy Orton:  Woah…Off camera is…a halllway.  And another camera.  
Mountie:  Hello, Mr. Orton.
RO:  The Mountie?
MT:  I’m the new make-up artist for RAW.
RO:  Oh.  Do you have anything for these blemishes?
MT:  Honestly, I’m just here working under cover.  Have you seen Lance Storm?
RO:  No.  Man, I’ve gotta find some place I can go that’s off camera so that….
Chris Benoit:  Randy!
RO:  I can avoid running into Benoit.
CB:  What?
Val Venis:  What?
RO:  Uh…I was talking about a different Chris Benoit.
CB:  Oh.  Yeah.  I get that a lot.  Give me a title shot.
RO:  No way.  You’re way boring.
CB:  I am not.
RO:  I’m going back off camera this way.
Edge:  Hey, man!
RO:  I’m drinking this YJStinger.

Orton dematerializes.

CB:  Damn.
EG:  You’re tellin’ me.
MT:  Does this shirt make my manboobs look big?

(ads)

Orton materializes on the entrance ramp.

Randy Orton:  Ok, here’s the thing.  Originally, I was thinking that instead of giving the World Title shot to Benoit or Edge, I would put it up for grabs in the Eugene/Regal v. La Resitance match.  But I’m no idiot.  Instead I’m going to put it up for grabs in a triple threat match.  Because I AM stupid.  Also, I want everybody to watch too old people to go at it, so I’m booking Flair/Lawler and there’s NOTHING you can say about it, because I’m the GM.  Man, Vince was right.  Forcing people to sit through this crap is neato.

Victoria/Lita v. Trish Stratus/Molly Holly

Only heel Divas may have last names.  Except My Darling Stacy.  She can have as many names as she wants.  Man, this is the ENTIRE division right here, kids.  Molly has huge hips.  They completely eclipse the video screen.  Victoria’s major contribution to this match?  Ripping her panties.  That’s gonna cost about 30 cents to replace.  Lita cleavages her way around the ring and eventually pins Trish by kicking her in the Kane mask.  Does this mean that Lita is the World Champion?  I guess not.

(ads)

Muhammad Hassan:  I don’t want anybody to forget we exist.  I mean, seriously, how many of these segments do you suppose we can do before you guys decide we aren’t going to show up?  Man, how many did Nova get again?  Maybe we should go back to OVW for a while.  It would give creative a chance to come up with something better than “Amish Guys” for us.  Right?
Khosrow Daivari:  CHICKENS!

Jerry Lawler v. Ric Flair

These two work an “old school” style match, which means that they both stand around for twelve minutes, and then both go for the thumb to the eye.  What’re the odds that Orton just set this match up to make them both fall over?  In any event, Lawler’s finisher is the Piledriver, and I’m pretty sure you couldn’t do that to Flair without killing him dead, so we’re pretty much stuck with Ric winning.  Happy birthday, Jerry.  Flair throws his hands in the air, and celebrates like he just doesn’t care.

Orton is back backstage.

Randy Orton:  Hey, Mountie.  Other girl.
Josh Matthews:  I’m Josh Matthews.
RO:  Right.  Whatever.
Mountie:  I don’t wanna.
RO:  Shut up.

(ads)

Shelton Benjamin:  Doin’ it for the kids.

Randy Orton is back in the ring and introducing the girls.  He tells them to get undressed for our pleasure.  Mountie is wearing “Hard Rock Café:  Hoboken” boxers.  Josh Matthews is wearing a lime green teddy.  My Darling Stacy is wearing strategically placed Dill Pickle Potatoe chips.  Good work, darling.  Orton drools for a while, and then everybody leaves.  This was, by far, the greatest segment of the night.  My Darling Stacy has a nice ass.

(ads)

Triple H is a vampire.  In other news, Cat Schwartz should NOT be hosting things.

La Resistance v. Eugene and William Regal
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Regal wrestles the majority of this match while Eugene surfs his laptop complaining about what a jack off Hardcore Holly is.  Yeah.  He finally takes the HOT TAG~! And rolls around the ring until La Resistance is just too tired to fight.  That’s a brilliant strategy.  Kind of the opposite of Kamala.  Eugene wins and some kids rush the ring and jump all over William Regal’s prone body.   Ok.  EW!  Ukranian election officials charge them with corruption and hit them with batons.  Meanwhile, Maven runs out and reformats Eugene’s hard drive.  OOOOH!

(ads)

Trish runs into Jericho backstage….

Trish Stratus:  Well…this is awkward.
Chris Jericho:  Why?  I mean that relationship with Christian worked GREAT, right?
TS:  Don’t be bitter!
CJ:  Is that what you were thinking when you had Chris….
TS:  That’s just far enough right there.
CJ:  Probably.  So what did you want?
TS:  We were just casually bumping into each other.
CJ:  Oh.  No kidding?  Take care then.
TS:  See you.
CJ:  Wait.  I want you to wrestle Lita next week.
TS:  What?  Why?
CJ:  You’ve got something better?  
TS:  Eh…never mind.  Ok.

Elsewhere, OMG PANTIES~!  And ELSEWHERE….

Ric Flair:  What the hell, man?
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”:  What’s wrong, Triple NAITCH?!
RF:  I’ll tell you what’s wrong!  You ELIMINATED ME!
DBD:  I was DISTRACTED!
RF:  Now HHH will NEVER WIN!
Triple H:  Win what?
RF:  The match tonight.
HHH:  Oh, hell.  That’s tonight, huh?
RF:  Yeah.
HHH:  Ooooh…Damn!
DBD:  Bad LUCK!

(ads)

Edge v. Chris Benoit v. Triple H
For the WWE World Title

HHH plays his “smart” card by standing outside and looking confused as to whether or not this is actually his match.  It works for about ten minutes, too, until he gets pulled into the match by an errant cup throw by Edge. Nobody can take a distinct advantage, however, because we have, like, twenty more minutes of show to fill.  Benoit shocks and pleases the crowd by reciting passages from his favorite new book.

And lo, up on the hill, what was it she saw?
The wind hissed at her, its cold staved off
only by her burning desire to see Ernie
yet again.  Was it?  Could it be?  Yes!
Ernie stood upon the hill, his chiseled chest
gleaming at her, as a beacon guiding her
ship.  It would be his engorged throbbing
ship that would dock in her port that night.
And yet, the only thing that pierced her mind
at that moment was the simple question:
“Did I leave the iron plugged in?”

(ads)

Triple H has fallen out of the ring and over the barrier now.  I guess Orton wins.  But he CAN’T!  THE MATCH MUST GO ON~!  Benoit rolls Edge over into the Crippler Chinlock.  I guess Edge didn’t want his make-up to get ruined.  Mountie worked VERY HARD on that foundation.  Edge counters by flopping over onto his back.  As Benoit is pinned, Edge taps out.  So…who won?  Randy Orton wanders out, looking desperately confused.  Just wait until he hears about the finish of this match.  Did Dusty get the WWE book too?  The credits begin to roll, when just then, Stevie Richards falls from the sky and lands on Benoit.  1...2...3...STEVIE RICHARDS IS THE WWE WORLD CHAMPION~!

Next Week:  Jericho desperately tries to reason with the new World Champion, but succeeds only in booking a Highlight Reel.  Randy Orton goes through camera withdrawl after being forced to stand outside and think about what he’s done.  Oh, and Lita finally beats Trish for the Women’s title, only to lose it immediately to Mountie.

 

Lance and Rob Are Friends
Chapter 27: Look Behind You a Three Headed Monkey!

Lance Storm:  Paul E, listen.  I appreciate that you’re trying to cash in on ECW’s recent popularity surge…and it took a lot of foresight to plan this out 30 weeks ahead of time, but I’m retired.  I’m just not interested.
RVD:  Yeah!  What he said!
Paul Heyman:  Don’t you miss the action and excitement of the ECW Show, Rob?  
RVD:  Yeah!  All right!!
LS:  ROB!  You’re not helping.
PH:  WELCOME BACK TO THE ECW ARENA!
Justin Credible:  O-61?  O-61?
PH:  Justin!  What the hell are you doing?!
JC:  I dunno…all these people showed up…so I just figured….
Tommy Dreamer:  Think about it, Lance!  We could be heroes!  Bringing back ECW like this.
LS:  You were in on this the whole time!  Dragging us around trying to find the Jade Gopher.  While all the while you were…wait…why did you guys make us drive all over the country?
PH:  Stalling for time?
LS:  Oh.
TD:  Yeah.  Did you really think I’d be living at the bottom of Lake Michigan with The Rock?
RVD:  In the Fabled Lost City of Atlantis.
LS:  But the Rock was right there.
PH:  Oh there’s a simple explanation for that.

LS:  And that is….

PH:  The Rock was the only actor we could hire that was stupid enough to work this angle?
LS:  Oh.
PH:  So now, my plan is to buy out NWA-TNA, turn it into ECW and hire Tough Enough Jessie’s band of misfit toys.  But you, Lance, I want you and Rob to be the corner stones of my new ECW!  
RVD:  No way, dude!
PH:  WHAT?!  Why not?
RVD:  Quite simply, Paul, you have done nothing to earn our trust.  While your run as Smackdown’s general manager proved that you are still creatively gifted, it also showed your downfall as a booker.  Smackdown became fiscally poor, the storylines focused less and less on some of the better mid-card workers and instead fell to a stable of solid and over workers that constantly got better angles than anybody else, creating an even bigger seperation between upper and mid-carders than before you took over.  Furthermore, you made the brand look foolish by quitting on national TV on Monday Night RAW, instead of exploiting the possible lucrative opportunities presented before you by being a part of both programs.  You were “rewarded,” correctly I might add, by being sent home by the WWE’s creative department, stripped of your power, and left to log reports that were largely ignored by the company.  Only recently have you returned, and since that time you’ve aligned yourself with the easily manipulated Dudley Boyz and Jon Heidenreich who will never draw a dime.  Not exactly the actions of a business man who should be trusted with my career, much less the start-up of a company which is four years in the grave now.  Sure, strong DVD sales look good on paper, but it’s not enough to convince me that rejoining you will ultimately be in my best interest.
LS:  Yeah.  What he said.
PH:  Well, if you don’t WANT to join me, then I will FORCE you to.  D-Von, get the tables!
LS:  Look behind you!  A three headed monkey!!

Everyone turns, and Rob and Lance jump into Tommy Dreamer’s station wagon and speed off away from Philly.

PH:  Dammit, Tommy!  After them!
TD:  That was my car!
PH:  Ride my bike.
TD:  Bike riding is HARDCORE!
JC:  B-8?  B-8?
PH:  JUSTIN!
JC:  Sorry.  Sorry.
Jon Hnnrnnr:  And now, a poem lamenting the loss of our heroes.

Alas, the Storm is Gone
RVD is lost as well.
They didn’t want to join ECW,
Now the will go to hell.
For when Tommy catches up,
Fiery Vengence will appear
Tommy is so hardcore,
He will not shed a tear.
Lance and Rob are friends
But they are slow learners
Because one does not MESS
With Little Jon HNNRNNR!

PH:  Shut the hell up.

Elsewhere….

Mountie:  Doing make-up is hard work.  Geez.  I’ve got to put all this crap awa….

Mantaur leaps from the makeup case and gores Mountie….

3.…
 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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