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RAW SATIRE    
Zen and the Art of Evolution   

December 14, 2004

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week:  It may have happened on Smackdown, but I feel compelled to let you know that at WWE Armoire Gettin’, John Bradshaw Leyfield got all the armoires, but he traded them for a cabinet.  Nobody knows who the WWE World Champion is, because Vince McMahon vacated it.  The women main evented last week, will the push contine…TONIGHT?!
 
(Opening Credits)

Eric Bischoff storms out holding the WWE World Title.  The little placard says “Vacant”.  It’s not a good sign that they have one of those made up.  Eric doesn’t look very happy.  Maybe his vacation was crappy.  Ugh.  What a terrible rhyme.  Hey!  Look!  It’s promo time. 

 
Eric Bischoff:  I’m gone for a month and look what’s happened.  Nobody’s boozing it up with Coach.  The World Title was with HHH, then with Stevie Richards, then with Vince McMahon and now it’s with some guy named Vacant, who a cursory examination of WWE.com’s RAW roster shows doesn’t even work here.  Then again, the roster showed Goldberg until a few weeks ago, so maybe this is some new guy I know nothing about.  If it is, I’m sorry Vacant, but I can’t take any chances, because I’d rather just have no champion for a few weeks, than some new guy.  By the way, what was up with MAVEN running RAW?  I thought for sure we’d be able to find a reason for somebody to replace him.  Man.  Let’s hear from three people.

Backstage…WOAH!  Benoit, Edge, and Triple H are all EXACTLY the same height.  Either Edge and Hunter shrunk over the weekend or this is one WACKY camera angle. 

Chris Benoit:  Hi.  I think they should just give the title to Vacant.  I’ve had my shot at the title, but he’s a young buck who’s earned my respect and a run with the title.
Edge: Oh shut up.  Your buddy Vacant has held the World title a bunch of times.  I’ve never even won it once.  Look at this web print out I got from Eugene. 

February 13, 1997 Vacant d. Shawn Michaels
September 19, 1998 Vacant d. Steve Austin, Undertaker and Kane
September 20, 1999 Vacant d. Vince McMahon

See?  And all those reigns were CRAP!  Give me a shot first.

Triple H:  I am commited to hold Vacant down.  Err…What the hell are we talking about.  This segment is crap.
CB:  No it’s not!  You take that back.
EG:  Why don’t YOU take your face back?

They all run at each other and pull each other’s hair.  Benoit misses the mullet.  Bischoff screams for a while and everybody gets booked in matches.  Ooooh…MATCHES?!  Booo.

(ads)

Edge v. Randy Orton

Edge runs around the ring for a while as his new music plays.  It certainly is…loud?  Loud is probably the nicest thing to say about it.  Randy comes out and everybody chants “RKO”, but he’s not over.  No, sir.  I don’t care how many “Most Favourite Wrestler” votes you all gave him on your RSPW ballots.  Randy stares intently over at Edge waiting for him to fall over, but Edge doesn’t give way.  OH!  A true battle of wills.  Both guys go for a dropkick and sprain each other’s ankles.  Hmmm….Uh…We’ll be right back.

(ads)

Randy has Edge in the OMG CHINLOCK~! to start.  However, Edge quickly is able to reverse it into a kinda thing where he’s lying on his back and taking a nap.  Randy sells it by slapping the mat rhythmically and falling slowly asleep.  When both guys wake up, they get back to the “Real” wrestling.  That’s right, random punching.  Randy goes for the RKO, but he slips off and lands on his ass.  Luckily for him, Edge knocks himself out trying to get a knot out of his hair, and he falls over.  Randy wins!

Backstage, in the Evolution locker room.

Triple H:  Man, I’ve gotta find some way to convince Eric Bischoff to let me have the World Title.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”:  Didn’t he already let you ONCE?
HHH:  Yeah, but for some reason he’s just not doing it this time.
Ric Flair:  Well, you know what I say, Hunter.  Let’s take his old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY!  WOO!
HHH:  Who you callin’ fat?  Haven’t you read my book?
RF:  No.
HHH:  Hmph.
DBD:  Somebody should leave a long rambling message on his voice MAIL!
HHH:  There is of course, only one way to settle this.
DBD:  Of COURSE!
RF:  Tiddlywinks?
HHH:  Oh, Ric, you so old school.  One…Two…Three…Not it!
DBD:  Not IT!
RF:  To be the man, you have to not be the man!
HHH:  Sorry, Ric.
DBD:  You didn’t even say not IT!
RF:  No, tit?  That would be awful.
HHH:  Err…You could stand to lose a little tit, Naitch.
RF:  But then what would people chop?
HHH:  Err...Good point?

(ads)

Go to house shows or ELSE!  Hey, hey!  There’s a show coming to Minnesota on January 14th.  Anybody else planning to go?  Because I’ll probably be there.

A bunch of Diva Search Girls are shooting T-Shirts at various audience members.  They seem to be having WAY too much fun doing that.  Hey, those are old Billy Gunn shirts they couldn’t sell.  Abe Orton comes out to join in the fun.

Abe Orton:  Hey, ladies.
Girl:  Ew!  Shoot him with a Job Squad shirt!

Josh Matthews pegs Abe in the face with a shirt.

AO:  Thankfully, the nature of the construction of my face allows it to bounce off without hitting me at all. 

Abe grabs Josh around the throat, but he’s interrupted by Lita.

Lita:  Hey, Abe, why don’t you pick on someone your own size?  Like WWE Women’s Champion, Lita?!
AO:  Sounds like you’re ready for another Abe Orton!
LT:  I’ve got a better plan, how about YOU get ready, because I’m bearing good news of great joy that will be for all people.
Carlito Caribbean Cool:  We’re coming to RAW?
LT:  No.  For behold unto you, my child wasn’t born, but soon this show will once again have MORE KANE!
Jesus:  God bless us every one.

Abe Orton runs up the ramp but is engulfed in a wall of flame.

Booker T:  Oops.  My bad.  Damn, I gotta stop doing that.
CCC:  What are you doing here?
BT:  This isn’t Smackdown?
CCC:  No, man.  I made that same mistake though.  Let’s get out of here.
BT:  Man, I thought Lita hated being married to Kane.
CCC:  Eh, who knows.
BT:  Matt Hardy’s gonna be pissed.
CCC:  Who?

(ads)

Triple H attended the premier of his movie.  He was the only one.

The Mountie is applying heavy coats of what appears to be oatmeal to Chris Tian.  Tyson Tomko looks perplexed.

Chris Tian:  What the hell are you doing, dude?
The Mountie:  I’m…er…applying a heavy coat of oatmeal?
CT:  Jesus.
Jesus:  God bless us every one.
CT:  Shut up.  Tomko, does this look all right.
Tyson Tomko:  ….
CT:  I KNEW IT!  You’re gonna pay for this, Mountie!
MT:  Correction:  I am GETTING paid FOR this.
Eugene Dinsmore:  Hey!  I recognize you!
CT:  What?  Preposterous!
ED:  No, no.  You’re Chris Tian.  The guy who used to be one half of a pretty awesome tag team.
CT:  Stress on the world USED.  Or is that USED TO?
ED:  Either way.  You look kinda down?  What’s wrong?  You made my most favourite wrestler voting.
CT:  Really?  Was I number one?
ED:  No, no.  You were number three.  Right behind Chris Benoit and Alexis Laree.
CT:  Oh.  Eugene, I think my career is a joke.
ED:  Because of the Giant Tree outfit?
CT:  Well that, and look at who my only friend is now that Trish dumped me.  Tyson friggin’ Tomko.
TT:  ….
CT:  Oh, shut up.
Mick Foley:  Hey, guys.  Seein’ how many people we can crowd onto one screen?  I’m down.
MT:  You’re in my light!
CT:  Mick Foley?!  What the hell are you doing here?
MF:  Wandering aimlessly backstage.  Has anyone seen a little ducky with a sailor hat on?
ED:  No, but that sounds adorable.
MF:  Hey, Eugene!  I love your biting internet commentary!
ED:  Thanks, man!
MF:  I’m just kidding.  You’re a hack.
CT:  Hey, Mick.  You want a Cherry Coke?  Sodas Rule!
MF:  You keep working on that one.
CT:  I’m TURNING INTO EDGE!!

In Eric Bischoff’s Office.

Eric Bischoff:  Ok, so you’re ready to sign.
Nova:  Of course I am.  I invented signing contracts.
EB:  Riiiiight.
NV:  Do you think that ECW PPV thing will get off the ground so that I can get pushed as something other than “that guy in a blue jumpsuit”.
EB:  Probably not.
NV:  Damn.
Chris Benoit:  GIVE ME THE TITLE OR I’M GONNA MAKE YOU TAP!
EB:  What the hell happened to your buddy Vacant?
CB:  He’s been holding me down for years.  I totally spaced on the fact that he beat me for the WCW title before I left.
EB:  So now YOU want the title.
CB:  Sure.  Or else I’m gonna make you tap out.
EB:  No.
CB:  Aw…Shucks.

(ads)

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” and Triple H (w/ Ric Flair) v. Chrises Jericho and Benoit

Dave doesn’t toe point and I’m highly disappointed.  He’s been neglecting his floofy poses lately.  Benoit starts the match by complaining to everyone who will listen and not fall asleep that he should be the World Champion because he was the last champion who wasn’t Triple H.  You know, he’s actually making a little bit of sense there.  Which is sad.  And kind of scary.  Triple H responds by chocking Jericho with the tag rope.  Dave and Flair converse outside the ring about whether it’s ham or turkey for Thanksgiving.  Dave is sick of TURKEY, but Flair thinks Jewish girls are hot.  Dave reminds Flair that Jewish girls don’t eat Christmas dinner, they eat dinner for COUNTCHOCULUKAH.  Touche.

(ads)

Flair is freaking out about how he can’t have his cake and eat it too, and Triple H has to punch him to shut him up.  Benoit, desperate to make SOMEBODY tap out tonight, grabs Hunter in America’s #1 Resthold, The Crippler Crossface.  Meanwhile, Jericho goes for the Lionsault on Batista, but J.R. miscalls it as the “Lion Tamer” and Batista, trying his hardest to sell the right move, kicks his legs back behind his back, nailing Jericho in the face.  With Jericho out, it’s an easy victory for Dave after a spine buster to Benoit.  Triple H is pissed, probably because he was still attached to Benoit.

(ads)

Mick Foley is out….

Mick Foley:  Kerry lost, which means that you pretty much screwed me out of that cushy job as a presidential speech writer I was going to beg for, thanks a lot America.  So I guess it’s back to this wrestling crap, and you know what that means.  PROMOS!  But seriously folks, other than trying to sell you my book, “Wrestlers as Kids so You Feel Weird About Whacking Off to Lita” I’m here to advertise the Smackdown in Iraq show, here’s some shots of last year’s show.

The troops celebrate and dance with their favorite wrestlers Farooq and Rikishi.

MF:  Oh, snap.  Bad choice on that one.  Anyway, I don’t think anyone would oppose my support of the troops.
Muhammad Hassan:  Oh, yeah!  Think again!
MF:  What problem could the Amish possibly have with me supporting our troops.
MH:  We don’t…believe in guns?
MF:  What?
Crowd:  WHAT?
Sean Cold Val Venis:  WHAT?
MH:  All right, let me be straight with you, and all you Americans out there.  We’re not really Amish.  We’re just two guys looking to get over.
Khosrow Daivari:  Yeah.  W….
MH:  You still just say “Chickens”.
KD:  Oh, man.  Fine.  CHICKENS!
MH:  So let me say!
Crowd:  WHAT?
MH:  THAT I REALLY WANT!
Crowd:  WHAT?
MH:  TO GET OVER ANY WAY THAT I CAN!
Crowd:  WHAT?!
MF:  Well, why don’t you have a match with me?  That’d get you over.
MH:  Uh…I dunno.
MF:  What?!
Crowd:  What?
SCVV:  WHAT?!
MH:  You’ve still got some of that Orton stank on you.  Yeah.  That’s no good for my first match.  Come on, my little Amish buddy, let’s go find us seven virgins.  Maybe if you’re good, I’ll let you see one of their ankles.
KD:  CHICKENS!
MF:  That’s my stank.

(ads)

You know, I’d totally order Wrestlemania this year if they brought in Austin and Lil’ John and had them have a What-Off.

Todd Grisham is with Trish.

Todd Grisham:  Trish, why am I fated to this life?
Trish Stratus:  Aren’t you going to ask about my broken nose?
TG:  I’m guessing you’re faking an injury so that you are allowed to bring a weapon into the ring legally that would otherwise be banned.
TS:  Uh…yeah.
TG:  Wow.  Clever.
TS:  Don’t be so depressed.  Hey, at least you’re not Lita!
TG:  Oh, Lita.  Bane of my existence.  Why do her crappy angles haunt me so?
TS:  Dude, you should see a….

Lita comes flying into view, diving headfirst through Todd Grisham’s chest and into the ground nearly breaking her neck.

Hey it’s Another Girl.  She’s talking to Eric Bischoff.

Another Girl:  Hi, I hear you guys are handing out jobs to just about anybody.
Eric Bischoff:  Just about anybody who can’t wrestle.
AG:  I’m just about anybody who can’t wrestle!
EB:  Congratulations!  You’re probably almost hired.
Edge:  Can a girl get a salad, huh?
AG:  Go away.  Your hair is nicer than mine.
EG:  Can I have the title?  I’ve never had the title before!
EB:  Probably not!
EG:  Come on!!  Come ON!  Huh?  Huh?
EB:  Go comb your hair.
EG:  And get ready to receive my title!  I got ya!

Edge runs off.

(ads)

Shelton Benjamin, Eugene and William Regal v. Chris Tian, Tyson Tomko, and Maven

Maven’s got some sort of pink, rainbowy ensemble going for him.  Ah, they’re in the South.  No wonder.  Eugene pull out Socko, and nobody talks to him for the rest of the match.  Regal kind of, wanders off or something somewhere around here.  Chris Tian and Tyson Tomko brawl with some fans in the front row who admit to liking Edge’s catch phrases.  Eugene hit’s the Stunner to J.R., in the greatest moment of J.R.’s life.  However, the two contestants in the ring are quickly running out of things to do, so Maven rolls up Shelton for the quick pin.  Are you ready for Maven:  Intercontinental Title Holder?  Yeah?  Isn’t it AWESOME?!

Eric Bischoff is playing cars ontop of the World Title.

Eric Bischoff:  Pchew vrrooooom “oh no” pcccccckkkk!
Triple H:  Playin’ cars, huh?
EB:  You know it!
HHH:  Listen, I’d REALLY like the World Title.
EB:  I’ll bet you would.
HHH:  And Soooo…if you’d like to give it to me.
EB:  You know that we’re doing the Elimination Chamber dealie, right?
HHH:  Oh, yeah.  Of course.  I’m just saying, if you need somebody to hold onto the belt for you for a few weeks….
EB:  You’d be the guy.
HHH:  Well, I mean…Not me…I’d be flattered if you asked.  I’d love to, mind, but I mean SOMEBODY….
EB:  Did you like that new Sarah McLaughlin CD/DVD set?
HHH:  Afterglow Live?  Oh, totally….
EB:  I don’t want the world title to bunch your panties.  Sorry, Hunter.
HHH:  Dammit!

(ads)

Edge, Chris Benoit and Evolution are in the ring with Eric Bischoff.

Eric Bischoff:  You all know why I’ve called you out here.
Edge:  To announce that crappy Elimination Chamber thing.
Chris Benoit:  Yeah we heard it.
EB:  You DID?!  When did you start watching this show?
EG:  I forgot which channel football was on.
CB:  Without Survivor, I’ve been forced to turn to wrestling for my entertainment needs.
Triple H:  Ick.  I’d hate to be in that position.  Me?  I like CSI episodes where they catch the killer by taping trees together.
EB:  I hear there’s a six DVD box set of those coming out.
HHH:  I am SO there.
EB:  Well, maybe I SHOULD give the belt to HHH.
CB:  That’s not fair.
HHH:  Don’t just give it to me.  Give it to ALL of Evolution, for we are of one being, one mind, one purpose.
EG:  How very zen.
Ric Flair:  Hunter completes us.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”:  Like VOLTRON!
EG:  Or Power Rangers.
DBD:  No, no, VOLTRON!
EB:  Whatever.  The point is, at the next PPV, New Year’s Day Bowl-O-Rama, it’ll be Triple H v. Edge v. Chris Benoit v. Chris Jericho (who has no chance of winning) v. Randy Orton v. “DAVE” BATISTA “DAVIDSON”!
DBD:  ME?!
HHH:  Man, that sucks.  I’m totally gonna job to Dave now.
DBD:  I am the CHAMPION!  Let’s celebrate with cookies and MILK!

Dave and Hunter lock into a collar and elbow tie-up as Dave tries to hug Hunter.  Ric Flair protests the lack of Flairs in this match by chopping Bischoff’s back as he makes his way up the ramp.  Edge and Benoit shrug and begin punching.  Chris Jericho runs out to protest his presence in the match as the obvious first elimination.  Then everyone falls to the ground laughing at Randy Orton’s music, but they fell down, and hey, that’s a win for Orton in my book.  WHO WILL WIN THE ELIMINATION CHAMBER FOR THE TITLE?!  Probably Kevin Nash.  Or maybe, Edge.  Hell, I don’t know.

Next Week:  Recap Show, Which means I’m taking the WEEK OFF, BABY!  Yeah!  You’ll probably see a bunch of clips of X-Pac and Chyna going at it with a commentary track by Todd Grisham and Ivory.  Plus, the music video for the new hit song, “It’s Not My Fault” by Abe Orton featuring Diversity Five.

 

Lance and Rob Are Friends
Chapter 29:  One Is the Loneliest Number

Lance and Rob are stopped at a rest stop in the middle of the night.  Lance awakens.

Lance Storm:  What?  Huh?  What time is it?
Rob Van Dam:  It’s 4:20.  It’s ALWAYS 4:20 when you’re R-V-D!
LS:  I don’t just mean your catchphrase, Rob, what TIM…oh…It’s 4:20.
RVD:  See?
LS:  That’s weird.  We should get back out onto the road.  Tommy’s probably peddling after us as we speak.
RVD:  Where do you want to go, dude?
LS:  I don’t know, Rob.  Why don’t you choose.
RVD:  Me?  Choose where we’re going?  Why would you want that?
LS:  Because I trust you, Rob.  Trust is what friends are for.
RVD:  Duuude, I’m sorry I broke you open hardway with all those chairs.
LS:  Errr…forget about that.  Just pick a destination.
RVD:  Third Star from the Right and straight on ‘til morning!
LS:  Err…Maybe you’d better let me pick the destination.
RVD:  That’s not what the Flying Aqua Snake tells me.
LS:  Who do you trust more, the Aqua Snake or me?
RVD:  I’m just saying, the snake makes some good points.
LS:  What does that sign up ahead say?
RVD:  Uh…Texas next three rights.
LS:  The “Lone Star State”.  I think your animal guide gave you jumbled information, Rob.
RVD:  Animal guide?  Duude, you need to lay off the Peyote.
LS:  I’m so stoned right now.  Just drive.

Close behind….

Tommy Dreamer:  My legs are tired, but I am hard core.  I AM HARDCORE!!

Paul Heyman pulls up alongside him in a hearse.

Paul Heyman:  Hey, Tommy.  How’s it going.
TD:  I AM HARDCORE!
PH:  You sure are.  Hnnrnnr stole this hearse for me.  I’m going to chase Lance and Rob.
TD:  What about me?
PH:  You just keep on truckin’ there, buddy.

Tommy keeps peddling so hard that his knees bleed as Paul rolls past him.  Elsewhere….

The Mountie:  I can’t believe the lack of respect I get around here.  Why the hell doesn’t anybody like my oatmeal treatments?  They build softer skin!  What’s that on TV?

TV Announcer:  Local Police in Texas have reported that notorious fugitives Lance Storm and Rob Van Dam have been spotted near the Texas/Louisiana border.  These fugitives are wanted for questioning in the case of a destroyed Canadian police station as well as the possible unearthing of the Fabled Lost City of Atlantis in, of all places, Lake Michigan.  The suspects are considered to be armed with chairs and Power Ranger Underoos, but not dangerous because wrestling’s so totally fake.

TM:  Think what you will, madam, but tell me, does THIS look fake?

Mountie punches at a nearby staff person, and misses by six inches as he stomps the ground

Tough Enough Jessie:  Don’t hit me…Waaaaah…
TM:  HaHA!  Exactly.  See?  Girl on TV?

Mantaur jumps out of the vat of oatmeal and gores Mountie, but the oatmeal is so sticky that Mountie is carried off into the sunset and straight on ‘til morning.

One….

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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