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Cookies and Videogames:
The Placating of Batista  

January 11, 2005

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Author’s Note:  Big things coming for fans of the Satire next week.  Stay tuned.
Last Night:  Triple H won the Elimidate Chamber because he told Shawn Michaels how pretty he was.  Maven and Shelton Benjamin had the longest and best match of all time.  And Jerry Lawler lost his match, and my bet is he’ll still be a loser…TONIGHT!

Speaking of Triple H, here he is with Ric Flair.  He’s got the mic and the belt.

Triple H:  Oh, ho, ho, ho.  Look at this crap.  I’m totally the champion again.  And what can you do about it?  NOTHING, bitches!  At this point, the only guy who can be champion other than me, and apparently Stevie Richards…and that “Vacant” dude, is my homie Nibblins, and Nibblins has sworn that he won’t come at my title.  Well, actually he just meowed and then purred, but I know what he meant.  We’ve got a thing, Nibblins and I. But I couldn’t have won this title alone.  No, sir.  Because I had help from my best friend in the whole wide world.
Ric Flair:  Aw shucks.  You shouldn’t have.

Dave comes out.  Aw…Dave looks so nice in his clip-on tie and his nice new suit.  The sunglasses aren’t working for him, though.  They shake hands and hug, but it was not to last, however, as Randy Orton comes out to spoil the party.

Randy Orton:  Not so fast!  I may have suffered a career threatening paper cut last night, but I still know irony when I see it!
HHH:  Irony?
RO:  Or lying, or…you know, whatever.  Anyway, what I was trying to say was that Dave is being taken for granted, and plus we really need some more faces to fight against you, because there’s no sense in pushing Benoit and Jericho.  So to this end, I’ve got footage from last night’s PPV that proves that Triple H doesn’t have Dave’s best interests in mind.  
HHH:  No you don’t because I destroyed that footage before you could air it.
RO:  Ah, but I Tivoed it.
HHH:  You don’t know how to work a Tivo.
RO:  Yeah…well…shut up.  Hey.  Wait.  I just remembered that they posted this footage on WWE.com.
HHH:  Damn you, the Internet.  You can’t prove anything, Orton!  Let’s leave.  I’ll buy you some ice cream, Dave.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”:  I want to see the FOOTAGE!

Randy Orton tries to start up Media Player, but his computer crashes.

RO:  Hold on, it’ll be up in just a second here.  Ah.  There we go.  Buffering…Buffering….

Buffering, Buffering, Buffering…Some really grainy footage of what may be Triple H or may be Chewbacca, not helping a blob shaped like Batista when he was about to fall over.

DBD:  That blob looks like ME!
RO:  See?  What did that video teach you?
DBD:  I will never trust Chewie AGAIN!
HHH:  Yeah.  That was totally Chewbacca.  I was knocked out at that point.
RO:  But you came back and won the match didn’t you?
HHH:  Sure I did.  I got my second wind.  
RO:  Oh yeah?  Well…You suck.  Good luck when they decide to beat you up, Dave.

Randy Orton is the least convincing debater ever.  Here to help his cause however, is Eric Bischoff. 

Eric Bischoff:  Despite all signs pointing to the fact that I should do the opposite, I’m going to give the WWE World Title shot to Randy Orton at the Royal Rumble.
HHH:  What?  Why?
RO:  Yeah.  Why?
EB:  Because I’m a dick, and I totally hate the audience watching at home.
HHH:  I can shenanigans!  There was an angle where Randy doesn’t get any more title shots!
EB:  That doesn’t count any more, it happened too many weeks ago.
HHH:  Damn!
EB:  But I’m not going to let this all happen without a pointless match.  So tonight it is Orton v. Batista for the #1 Contendership!  TONIGHT!!

The Announcers consider this briefly, but the fact is Lawler can’t think straight since he jobbed.  That wouldn’t have gone down in Memphis.  You hear me?  Lawler will get his heat back any way he can, dammit!


Shane McMahon makes his glorious return to WWE Television to announce to an enthusiastic group of Japanese photographers than the WWE was going to come to Japan, where Kane and The Undertaker will battle Mothra and Godzilla in a battle across Tokyo’s skyline.

Shelton Benjamin v. Maven
To Qualify for the Royal Rumble

Maven might qualify for the Royal Rumble if it was on Heat.  I’m kidding, I’m actually really glad to see this rematch from last night’s epic war, which we’re already talking about in the same breath as things like Flair/Steamboat or Berzerker/British Bulldog.  Shelton and Maven spend the first ten minutes of the match sizing each other up for potential weaknesses, and Shelton strikes by yelling, “You’re MAVEN!”  Maven falls victim to this crippling accusation, and allows himself to be pinned for the good of the RAW brand.  Guess there won’t be an I.C. Title defense, eh?


Mohammed Hassan and Khosrow Daivari are out.  Hassan has gotten himself ahold of a mic.

Mohammed Hassan:  I did the impossible!  I did what Tazz could not!  I beat Jerry Lawler. How about that?  Now, I will wrestle and even greater challenger so that hopefully I can work my way up from wrestling announcers to the main event in just a short number of years!

Boy, he’s in for a sad surprise, isn’t he?

The Hurricane (w/ Some Kind of Sad Denver Broncos Float) v. Mohammed Hassan (w/ Khosrow Daivari)

Don’t worry, Broncos Float, there’s always next year, so long as Jake Plummer gets off his second job as a lumberjack in time for training camp.  J.R. scoffs that Hassan “claims to be from Detroit”.  Uh…nobody would CLAIM to be from Detroit unless it was, sadly, true.  Hurricane is pinned with the Suicide Bomber in about 12 seconds, giving him ample time to go to the back and get ready for his big date with Jennifer Aniston.  Hurricane won’t cheat on you, Jennifer.  He’s a hair man.

Dave and Hunter are backstage….

Triple H:  Hey, Dave!  What’s on your mind, buddy?
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”:  ….
HHH:  What is it?
DBD:  Would you travel down the Oregon Trail with ME?
HHH:  Sure, I guess.  You mean like the game?  Yeah.  That’d be ok.
DBD:  I hope you don’t get whooping cough and DIE!
HHH:  What?
Steve Austin:  What?
Sean Cold Val Venis:  What?
DBD:  You heard ME!

Elsewhere, Edge is lost.


Rhyno v. Edge
To Qualify for the Royal Rumble

The crowd chants “ECW” for Edge.  Edge and Christian Wrule!  Rhyno takes control of the match for just long enough to wonder if the commentators will remember that Edge was the one who introduced Rhyno to the WWE audience in the first place.  By the time I’m done saying to myself, “Uh…no,” Rhyno is tapping out to Edge sitting on his neck.  Edge grabs a mic and calls out Shawn Michaels, but unfortunately, we’re too close to the break.  Poor Edge can’t buy a break, can he?  The production guys tell Edge to buy them a few minutes, so Edge begins singing all the lyrics he knows to the Cardigans’ Greatest Hits.


Edge:  Love me, Love me.  Say that y…Oh.  We’re back?  Shawn Michaels, get out here!

HBK prances out….

Shawn Michaels:  Everybody loves me!  But I’m here to put over new people, so why are you asking me to come out and hog your screen time?
Edge:  You screwed me
HBK:  Shawn Michaels didn’t screw Edge!  Edge Screwed Edge.
ED:  Nuh Uh!  That’s physically impossible.
HBK:  I was like you once.  Whiny, insecure, afraid I wasn’t going to get pushed.  But then again, at least I was over, huh?  You want a push?  Win the Royal Rumble.
ED:  You know very well that isn’t going to happen.
HBK:  Yeah.  Yeah.  You’re probably right. 

Edge and Shawn get into a completely random slap fight that ends with both men deciding to take a nap while security blocks out the light.  Shawn snores.


Edge and Shawn are now playing Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots in the lobby.  Meanwhile, Nova graces us with his presence.

Nova:  You know what I hate most about the WWE?  The feeling like I have to reinvent the wheel every time I come out here to become popular!  The wheel I invented that first time was good enough.  But because I have to come out here and do SOMETHING, I’m going to say that I think the WWE could do with a little less Kane.

Kane comes out to try to make the save for himself.  He lights Lillian on fire in the process.

Kane:  A little LESS ME?!
NV:  I don’t want to say you’re fat, but nowadays when you lumber around the ring, you really lumber AROUND THE RING!

Kane shoves a bunch of Flintstones vitamins into Nova’s mouth.  I heard you can die if you do that.  Spit them out, Nova!  Spit them out!  Before he can however, he’s saved by Abe Orton, who is there to make sure they stretch this feud until at least WrestleMania.  Abe hits him with the Snitskrieg, and Kane throws up some blood.  Meanwhile, in one corner, Nova is coughing up grape Dinos.  Some medics arrive to pump his stomach.


HHH is backstage again, this time with Ric Flair.

Triple H:  Man, Naitch, I want to deliver another PEDIGREE TO ORTON so bad right now.  I hate that guy.
Ric Flair:  We’ve got bigger problems than that.  He’s out there playing WOO Oregon Trail, trying to get you to die before you get to the Snake River.
HHH:  Tell him to knock it off.  He’s got a match to prepare for.
RF:  He won’t listen to me.  Not even after I told him that I was going to take his old lady for a ride on Space Mountain.  Fat boy.  Woo.
HHH:  Just tell him that I said if he keeps this up he’s grounded.

I guess Eugene’s knee fell part.  Expect posts all throughout the internet detailing why this loss devastates the WWE.

Chrises Jericho and Benoit v. Christian and Tyson Tomko

Christian requested this match because he loves to lose.  It’s his favorite part of every week.  The crowd is all like OMG BENOIT~! so Jericho starts the match.  Tomko shows us why the WWE loves big men, as he stumbles around the ring and throws an occasional clothesline or powerslam.  Benoit comes in and nails chops and suplexes, expanding his moveset for the past few matches beyond restholds and punching.  After a bit of milling about, Benoit decided to lock Christian in the Crossface, which gives Jericho time to put Tomko in the Walls and get him to tap out.  Well, both members of the team jobbed.  Nice work, Christian!

Triple H and Flair are backstage again.

Ric Flair:  He threw the computer at me
Triple H:  Now he’s not playing Oregon Trail!  Problem solved
RF:  I think this problem is bigger than you’re willing to admit.
HHH:  Go buy him a cookie.  That’ll fix it.
RF:  You’re the greatest!  WOO!


Apparently, Lita finally died last night.  We here at RAW Satire wish her all the best in her future endeavors.

Maria Tennyson Lund v. Christy Hemme
In a Lingerie Pillow Fight

This was pure wrestling at its finest, though I must say, I think the WWE misses Lance Storm in matches like this.  The girls spend a few minutes looking out for their own and putting Lillian out with their pillows.  Is it too early to nominate this for match of the year?  Christy busts out some sweet mat based combos while Maria counters with high flying Lucha stuff.  Christy gets the last laugh, however, pulling out the Tiger Driver ‘91 to finish off Maria.  Five stars, easily.  After the match, the girls jump on the bed.


Chris Masters will be bringing his generic name to a WWE Dark Match Near YOU 

Randy Orton v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”
In a Number One Contender’s Match

Triple H and Triple Naitch make entrances too, but not necessarily in support of Dave.  That’s kinda discomforting.  The crowd asks Triple H if he’s seen the X-Pac/Chyna tape, and Triple H throws up.  Dave does the cabbage patch and the toe point to start things off.  Orton, completely overwhelmed by this strategy, decides to stare at Batista’s calves trying to get Dave’s calves to fall over.  It doesn’t work.  Poor Randy.  Triple H begins clapping, because the crowd is so quiet.  Let’s take a break.


Orton has control of the match now, and you know what that means.  CHINLOCKS AHOY!  Dave even gets in on the action, with what J.R. calls a “redefinition of the rear chinlock” which means “that sucked.”  Eventually, Hunter gets amazingly bored with waiting for somebody to try to win the match, so he jumps up on the apron and offers Dave a chair to whack Randy with.  Dave however, doesn’t want to beat Randy that way, because Orton is really easy to beat as it is.  But then one of Dave’s calves gives out and he falls over.  Orton Wins.  Dave can’t believe it.  Neither can Orton.  He’s going to main event ANOTHER PPV, folks!  Him and JBL!  But, I mean, at least it’s not Hardcore Holly again.

The show ends with Dave and Hunter trying desperately to remember who is supposed to have the chair in the closing shot.  So Ric takes it, and wails on Lillian Garcia.  It’s a BRAND NEW FEUD!!

Man, that was totally the shortest RAW Ever.

Next Week:  Randy Orton gloats about being the number one contender, only to find out that Stevie Richards won the same thing by getting a Golden Ticket in his Wonka Bar.  Triple H and Dave engage in a hardcore Mario Party Deathmatch to settle their differences once and for all.  Also, Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho, having failed to make the main event scene once again, decide to steal lunch money from poor Heat wrestlers to make themselves feel better.

Next week, kids!


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SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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