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RAW SATIRE: SPECIAL EDITION    
Lord of the Ring: Fellowship of the Reign
(Part Three) 

January 26, 2005

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

If you've not been following the story to date, please get caught up on Part One and Part Two of this fantastic tale....
 

Volume I
Chapter SIX

“In Which Shane McMahon Tells a Story and Some Background is Finally Given”

Benoit awakens in a strange locker room.
  

Benoit:  Where… where am I?
Flair:
  You’re in Pittsburgh at WWE, by God, VELOCITY! WOO!

Benoit Chops Flair, Flair chops Benoit. They do a stare down, which Flair stops with a strut.

Benoit:  Flair, why did you abandon us?
Flair:
  Because I AM THE NATURE BOY! STYLIN’ AND PROFILIN’, WOO!

Benoit:  No, seriously.
Flair:
  Oh, seriously? I was… my flight was delayed.

The room goes all hazy for a second as Benoit looks around the room, thinking he’s about to pass out again.

Flair:  Don’t worry about the haze, Chris, it’s just a flashback.
Benoit:
  Oooooh.

Earlier, Triple H and Ric Flair stand atop the lovely Triple H Mansion.

Triple H:  Are you ready to accept Vince McMahon as your lord and master?
Flair:
  NEVER! You should know better, Hunter. To be wooo! I said, “To be the man, WOO, you’ve got to beat the man.” And I’m the man.
Triple H:
  Then prepare to get beaten.

Triple H steps forward to hit Flair with a gutshot, but he misses when Stevie Richards steps in front of Flair and takes the full force of the kick.

Triple H:  What is this madness?
Stevie Richards:
  Your… help… has arrived.

Stevie Richards has fallen. Raven steps out of the shadows.

Triple H:  I’m still waiting for an explanation over here.
Flair:
  Just a second. What the hell are you doing here?
Raven:
  Stevie just told me to follow him. He didn’t say where he was going or what we were doing.
Flair:
  You’re supposed to rescue me and bring me to Philly.
Raven:
  Oh. Yeah? I probably shoulda brought a car then or something.
Flair:
  You just follow Stevie Richards around? I thought you were in MENSA.
Raven:
  Well, I mean… yeaaaah....
Triple H:
  I hate to butt in, but will this take much longer? I’ve got some kinda-rappers to unearth yet today.
Flair:
  Yeah, yeah. Just a second.
Triple H:
  Okay. Let me know when you’re done, I’m gonna go try to spit off the roof into the pool.
Flair:
  So what’s the plan then?
Raven:
  Hell, man, I dunno. I’ve been busy in TNA all week. You’ve been up on a roof.
Flair:
  Uh… oh! Oh! I’ve got it! Hold on.

They confer briefly, then Raven tosses Ric into a shopping cart and begins to push him away.

Triple H:  HEY! Where are you going with that?
Raven:
  Um, hello, good sir. My son and I are just heading to the produce aisle to see your fine produce selections.
Triple H:
  Ah, yes. Our lettuce is the freshest you can buy. Hey there, little guy, you want a lollipop?
Flair:
  Now you listen here, fat boy I—
Raven:
  Ahem.
Flair:
  I wanna lolly!

Triple H hands over a cherry lollipop, and Raven and Flair roll off the edge of the house.

Raven and Flair:  Ow.
Triple H:
  Hey! Aw, dammit. How the hell did I get up here anyway? Hey! Down there! A little help?

Back in the present day....

Dreamer:  Mr. Benoit! Mr. Benoit? Are you in here?
Benoit:
  I am.
Dreamer:
  Do you know who you are? Do you know who the President is? How many fingers am I holding up?
Benoit:
  I’m fine, Tommy. 
Shane McMahon:
  Yo, Yo, Yo. Welcome to Velocity, home of the cruiserweights. Make yourself at home, Mr. Benoit.
Benoit:
  Thank you, Mr. McMahon.
Shane:
  Don’t you speak that name around here.
Benoit:
  Yeah. I’ve been meaning to ask you, if Vince is—
Shane:
  It’ll all be explained at some predestined point in the future. Until then, shove it.
Benoit:
  Yessir.

Benoit runs into Eddie and Chavo, and they all ride around backstage in the lowrider, popping the hydraulics and celebrating Benoit’s recovery.

Eddie:  How are you, holmes?
Benoit:
  I’ll tell you like I told Tommy, I’m fine.
HBK:
  Fine, huh?
Benoit:
  SHAWN!!

Benoit runs over and gives Shawn a manly hug.

HBK:  Okay, okay. That’s enough, man. Yeaaaaah. I retired to Velocity apparently.
Flair:
  Actually, I just think you’re here because we really need you to exposition some about the autobiography that you’re writing. It will soon be available at the WWE Shopzone and at bookstores. But not any of the ones anywhere near you, you know?
HBK:
  Errrrr, oh. Right. Well. Look, do you have any advice about a title? I guess we’re going with How Shawn Got His Smile Back for the DVD, but I was also thinking of The Schlong and Short of It or I Can’t Believe I Ate the Whole Thing: A Wrestler’s Tale. The title is kinda a work-in-progress-type thing.
Dreamer:
  I thought that was what they were calling Viscera’s.
HBK:
  No, no, no. That’s Viscera: A Cupcake is Undertaken. And that’s no autobiography. It’s an epic work of fantasy and fiction. It all starts with a boy, who finds a magic cupcake, but it‘s an evil cupcake, so he goes into the fiery depths of Mount Doom and—
Benoit:
  Sounds lame.
HBK:
  Yeah. I guess it is at that.
Benoit:
  Why not just call it: H.B.K.: How to Back Kick. I mean, that’s your finisher?
HBK:
  Allright, knock it off.

Tommy Dreamer begins packing his bags. Benoit joins him shortly.

Dreamer:  Are you ready to dump the belt back off onto Flair? We could go back to Smackdown and eat some great catering?
Benoit:
  You mean those dry pastrami sandwiches? I thought you were happy here on Velocity?
Dreamer:
  I am. It’s just that— my back hurts. My knees hurt. I just want to go home and go to bed.
Benoit:
  Me too, Tommy. Me too.

Flair and Shane watch the goings on from a luxury box.

Shane:  At least the concussion doesn’t seem to affect him much.
Flair:
  Yeah, but he’ll feel the effects forever. Just like Chris Nowinski. WOO!
Shane:
  Still, I never expected much from Benoit. So something is ahead of expectations.
Flair:
  Benoit can’t carry the entire burden by himself.
Shane:
  Well then who will? Who are we gonna get? Shannon Moore? Most everybody we’ve got right now is awful. It’s not like you can do it. Or me. Maybe you want me to just hand it over to Triple H? Or just take it to my dad and say, “Hey! Here’s the title, then.” This is something the whole roster, all the midcarders, all the faces — we must band together to defeat Vince. 
Flair:
  So the midcard holds all our hopes?
Shane:
  And you’ve seen what that’s gotten us before....

Mist fills the room, and Shane appears standing next to Sting.

Shane:  Sting, come on! I know where a garbage can is. We’ll destroy my father once and for all!
Shane’s Voiceover:
  I took him to the trash can. I even friggin’ took the lid off for him.
Shane:
  All right! Throw it in! Come on! Please?
Sting:
  No! I’m joining the Nation!
Shane:
  NOOOOOOO!

Back in the present....

Shane:  Yeah. We should have killed off WWE that day. But no. That took all the wind out of a midcard push, that Sting turned heel that day. It failed miserably.
Flair:
  There is another.
Shane:
  Yeah, but I mean… come on.

Elsewhere, Chris Jericho sits in the WWE museum. It is filled with such artifacts as Mae Young’s hand, Mick Foley’s cacti, and Sting’s broken baseball bat. He fingers the bat lovingly before slumping down in the corner. Christian enters the room.

Christian:  The Bat of Sting! Wow, he used this to defeat Vince McMahon himself in the Monday Night Wars. Wow. And here, look! A bottle of J.R.’s BBQ Sauce. I heard they had to bury 30 million ounces of this stuff in Oklahoma. But… all this stuff sucks. See you later, suck wad.

Christian storms out; Jericho looks up from his copy of RAW Magazine to watch Trish step in.

Trish:  You’re Sting’s spiritual successor, you know.
Jericho:
  I know.
Trish:
  Always popular, but never getting a real push.
Jericho:
  I know, I KNOW!
Trish:
  I’m just saying. Maybe you should throw some paint on and hide all the time.
Jericho:
  Do you remember when we first met?
Trish:
  Absolutely not. Sounds like a good time for a FLASHBACK!
Jericho:
  Oh great.

Smoke fills the room. Jericho begins hacking. We are transported to a time long ago, in an arena not all that far away.

Jericho:  Hey there, hotcakes! How about shakin’ that ass for Uncle Jericho.
Trish:
  Okay, that was a little creepy. Why would I want to shake anything for my uncle?
Jericho:
  Er… uh… I hadn’t thought about that. 
Trish:
  Chris Jericho, I think I’m in love with you.
Jericho:
  What? Really?
Trish:
  Well, you’re the only guy around here who actually looks and acts halfway decent. So, yeah. I guess this is what they call “fate.”  Here, take this “WWE Trish Stratus’ Cleavage Pendant” available for only $14.95 at Shopzone.com.
Jericho:
  You can’t give me this. If you do, it means that you give up.
Trish:
  My wrestling career? I know. But have you seen the women’s division lately? This isn’t exactly a gigantic leap of faith for me here.
Jericho:  Thank you.

Dave Meltzer:  What? This doesn’t make any sense?
Bryan Alvarez:
  You don’t think the women’s division is in shambles?
Meltzer:
  No, no, no, no, no. How does Trish giving up her cleavage pendant cancel out her wrestling career?
Alvarez:
  Maybe there’s a clause. You know? In her contract.
Meltzer:
  Of all the stupid— how are we supposed to know that?
Alvarez:
  Maybe you should be paying more attention. Trish totally mentioned that… like a half hour ago. “If I ever give up my cleavage pendant, I’ll retire!” She said.
Meltzer:
  Oh. I stand corrected, then.
Alvarez:
  Sure do. Bitch.

Volume I
Chapter SEVEN

In Which a Journey Begins and a Song is Sung

Wrestlers continue to file in, as is their habit, until the show is nearly over. As the fans leave, Shane McMahon gathers together the wrestlers to determine what they should do about the Undisputed Title.

Shane:  Thank you all for coming on such short notice. I assure you that I wouldn’t have called you together if I didn’t have something really important to show you. Benoit....

Chris Benoit steps forward and places the WWE Undisputed Title onto the steel chair in the middle of the room.

Christian:  It’s a belt. Wow.
Shane:
  No, no. It’s more than a belt. It’s a belt of power.
Christian:
  Power? I’ve got an IDEA!

The band strikes up....

Christian:  
We’ll use this belt!
We’ll get a big push!
We’ll use this belt!
Shove it right up Vince’s tush!
We’ve been held down far too long,
Now it’s time to sing our song.
We’ve been given the belt of power,
Now it’s time to make Vince cower,
The midcard will revolt
And we will WIN!
Let’s use the belt!

Jericho:
Let’s use the belt? 
Have you gone insane?
Let’s use the belt?
Are you as nuts as Kane?
Hunter and Vince will put us in our place,
You should know this has always been the case.
Vince has all the power,
Vince has all the might,
Vince will beat us all in a fair fight.
We have no other recourse,
We have no other cause,
We must stop ourselves,
We must give PAUSE!

Christian:
What would you know?
You foolish twit?
All you ever want to do,
Is look at the belt and sit.

Shane:
I don’t think you all understand
The gravity of these things,
This goes beyond wrestling,
It goes beyond the ring!
What you see before you,
Is not just some stupid title,
It is the Undisputed belt,
The greatest tool of evil ever felt!
We must destroy it,
We cannot let it live,
No matter what kind of power it might GIIIIIVE!

Randy Orton:
Shane is right, we must finish what we start!
See I got it right, how smart!
Jericho’s the man, to head this quest,
He’s the heir to Sting, he’s the BEST!

Christian:
Heir to Sting?

Others:
Heir to Sting?

Benoit:
Heir to Sting?!

Jericho:
Shove it!

Flair:
The fat boys are right,
I’ll sleep with their old lady
We must destroy this belt
It’s awfully shady!

Tazz stands up and picks up a sledgehammer.

Shane, Flair and Jericho: NOOOO!

Tazz swings the hammer at the belt, but it just bounces off and flies over his head, into the crowd, and knocks out Shannon Moore.

Shane:  
That was stupid, Tazz
You just don’t see.
The belt can’t be destroyed
Not even by me.
It must be taken away
To WrestleMania
Where it can be thrown away
In a Garbage Cania!
I know that was a stretch,
But I’ve gotta advance the plot!
This song really sucks… a lot!

Christian:
What, are you serious?
Get on a PPV?
Have you even seen
Anybody around you?
None of us can do it,
Especially not there,
It will be impossible
For us to get inside Vince’s Lair!

Benoit:
I CAN!

Silence.

Benoit:  
I CAN!
I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!

Flair:  I doubt that. WOO!
Christian:
  Yeah. What the hell are you going to do? Job to Sylvain Grenier all the way to WrestleMania?
Benoit:
  Could be.
Flair:
  I’ll go with you. Because to BE THE MAN, WOO! You’ve gotta beat the man. And I’m the man. WOO!
Jericho:
  You will have my chair!
Orton:
  And my chair!
Tazz:
  And my chair!!
Benoit:
  Wow. That’s great. Thanks, guys.
Christian:
  Well, I hope you’re happy, Benoit. You better not friggin’ screw up or your ass is SO grass.
Benoit:
  Thanks for the vote of confidence.
Dreamer:
  So when are we leaving?
Eddie:
  And where are we going, esse? I told my wife I’d be home by six.
Chavo:
  Yeah, holmes, I’ve got chicks to carouse.
Shane:
  When did you all get here?
Dreamer:
  We’ve been hiding just off camera.
Shane:
  Oh. Yes, yes. A stable of nine. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring.
Christian:
  Man, that name is lame.
 
 

LotR Navigation
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E-MAIL MATT
   
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