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RAW SATIRE: SPECIAL EDITION    
Lord of the Ring: Fellowship of the Reign
(Part Five) 

February 4, 2005

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

If you're joining the story in progress, please go back and read parts one, twothree, and four before continuing...

Volume I
Chapter TEN

ďIn Which What Remains of the Fellowships Pays a Visit to a Girl, and She Tries to Steal the Title.Ē
 

The Fellowship now wanders through the wilds of the South, toward a mysterious and annoying place. A place of both wonderment and danger, a place of magic and mystery. Louisiana.

Orton: Man, that trip through Alabama was rough.
Jericho: Who knew Bob Holly would be so pissed off about us 

asking for a snack? Geez.
Dreamer: I didnít even get a juice box.
Tazz:
Shhhh. You hear that? They say an evil harpy inhabits these woods. A witch who can destroy anyone who crosses her. Weíd better be careful, or else weíre gonna get our asses kicked.
A Voice:
BENOIT?
Tazz:
They say sheís got a nice rack though. Woohoo! Sorry. Jerry Lawler moment there.
A Voice:
Benoit, why do you have that belt? Itíd look really nice with this pleather skirt Iíve got. Can I borrow it?
Dreamer:
Who here likes Chili Cheese Fritos? Huh? I sure do!
Tazz:
I dunno, brotha. Iíd rather have some nachos or something. I wonder where I can get some nachos around here?

Suddenly, Tazz gets hit in the face by a chair and a kick.

RVD: Van Daminator! Yeah! All right!!
Tazz:
Ow.
Jericho:
Rob. Hey, man. Do you have someplace we can stay for the night? All this walking is exhausting.
Tazz:
No, no, no. Iím getting myself out of this frigginí bayou. Iíll see you guys later.
RVD:
Oh, come on, Tazz. Thereís gonna be cake! Cake. Oh man, Iíve got the munchies.

They set out through the wilds, and later that day, wind up in a quaint vacation community. They are met there by Stephanie McMahon, who is flanked by Rob Van Dam (who had doubled back to find his canister of spray cashews) and John Bradshaw Layfield.

JBL: Hey, you guys! Shane told us you were coming. Whereís that old ass, Flair? I wanna buy him a drink.

Stephanie looks into Jerichoís eyes.

Stephanie: Heís trapped in a well? He broke his knees? Okay, Iím getting nothing here. What is it, boy?
Jericho:
He, uh, fell into a bottomless chasm.
Stephanie:
Oh. Youíve got to work on your non-verbal communication skills. Boy, without Flair lending some much-needed credibility to your stable, youíre going to have it rough.
Christian:
Which is exactly what you wanted. Isnít it, you little minx? Dammit, youíve got your husbandís back in this one, donít you?
Stephanie:
I have no idea what youíre talking about. Weíre divorced.
Jericho:
UhÖ oh, right. We totally forgot about that.
Stephanie:
No you didnít. You ran over our dog.
Eddie:
Shhhhh. Letís not quibble.
Stephanie:
Yeah. But youíd better watch out, Christian. As for you, Mr. Benoit, welcome to the WWE Experience.

A shudder goes down the spines of all the Fellowship. Later that night, Ivory and Todd Grisham babble unintelligibly as the Fellowship sets up some cots outside one of Stephanieís vacation cottages.

Christian: I donít see why we canít stay inside. Lousy rental fees. What the hell are those two going on about, anyway?
Orton:
Theyíre doing a career retrospective on Ric Flair. I wonder if they know that nobody is watching it.
Chavo:
Have they said anything about my little Pepe?
Orton:
UhÖ sure they did. Sure they did.
Chavo:
(sniffles)

Jericho sits down next to Christian.

Jericho: Get some rest, nobody even knows this place exists. Thatís why I checked WWE.com at Bob Hollyís house to see where the Experience was being held this week. I knew it was safe from Vince and his cronies.
Christian:
I canít sleep, man. Listen to her. I need to watch out. ďI need to watch outĒ? Iím not being pushed. It sucks, you know? My leader, heís just gone completely nuts. Heís retired from wrestling, but heís absolutely crazy. I shudder to think what itís doing to my brother Edge. And what about me? You know Iím the captain of the guard? Captain Charisma, they call me.
Jericho:
They do not.
Christian:
Sure they do. Have- have you ever seen RAW, Chris? I mean the real RAW, not the crap theyíre doing over there now. With pyros and full arenas and great ratings and you should have seen the catering. Have you seen it?
Jericho:
Sure I have. It was pretty great.
Christian:
Yeah, yeah. Well, some day weíll march on down that entrance ramp as WWE Tag Team Champions again. Itíll be awesome.
Jericho:
Yeah, okay. Sure. Why not? You donít have real high hopes for any sort of push, do you?
Christian:
Should I, Chris? Should I?

Before the sun breaks, Chris Benoit is roused by the stamping of feet near him. He awakens to see Stephanie McMahon stumbling and falling into a hot tub. Benoit walks over to see if she needs any help.

Stephanie: Iím fine. Iím fine! I SAID I WAS FINE, NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!
Benoit:
Okay, okay. Geez. Shhhh. Tommy Dreamerís trying to sleep.
Stephanie:
Chris, look into my cleavage. What do you see?

Benoit stares deep into the cleavage, concentrating hard on trying to make sense of the images that appear. He sees a burning Smackdown sign, his friends standing in the unemployment line, being whipped by large untalented wrestlers, the cruiserweights begging to job to Gene Snitski. Then he sees the laughing face of Vince McMahon yelling, ďThe WWF is mine. ITíS MINE! I CREATED IT! IíM NOT GONNA LET RIC FLAIR KILL WHAT I CREATED! Because, Iím going toÖ killÖ what Iíve created. IíM GONNA KILL IT. Iím gonna inject the WWF with a LETHAL DOSE OF POISON. Iím gonna do it. MeÖ and the N-W-O.Ē Benoit shudders as Stephanie nods her head.

Stephanie: I know. The nWo again. Even Iím not that dumb. My fatherís gotta be stopped before he becomes corporeal again and I lose my trust fund.
Benoit:
But, I meanÖ WrestleMania? I just canít do it. Youíd probably get on, no problem. Why donít you take this belt?
Stephanie:
YesÖ YES! With me as the champion, the dominant queen of wrestling would rule once again! The men would be at my feet - BEGGING for a job. AND I COULD CHOOSE WHO WAS PUSHED! IíM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD!!

Stephanie continues to shriek for a few minutes before sitting down.

Stephanie: I canít. Itíd mean Iíd have to wrestle once a year, and I just donít have the energy for any of that. So you take it. Take it all the way to WrestleMania.
Benoit:
Thereís no way Iíll get there.
Stephanie:
Youíve got to.
Benoit:
Itís just that....
Stephanie:
Chris, itís hard for me to admit this. Really hard. But sometimes, the smallest wrestler can change the course of the future.

In Greenwich....

Triple H: Arise, my No Limit Soldiers! ARISE! Yes! Do you know what the critics said about you? That rappers shouldnít wrestle. That the angle completely sucked. That not a single one of you was worth the time that was spent on you. Well itís time to show those jerky, acne-covered, living-in-their-parentís-basement 14-year-old internet nut wads whatís what. Now WHO DO YOU SERVE?
Master P:
Triple H!
Swoll:
Hooty HOO!
Triple H:
Damn right. Hunt them down, and wipe them out. Last man standing. I donít want a single one of them to leave that area in anything but a stretcher or an ambulance. But save the one with the scruffy beard. He has something of mine, and I want it back.

Back in Louisiana, Stephanie stands on the banks of the Mississippi, and she kisses all the Fellowship on the cheek. Much to the delight of Tazz who is just tall enough to be eye to eye with her knockers. She hands a vial to Benoit.

Benoit: Whatís in here? Cocaine? Steroids?
Stephanie:
No, no. Itís the last of our pyro gunpowder. Use it when you need to make a huge entrance.

While the No Limit Soldiers do donuts in their Hummers in some parking lot, The Fellowship rows their canoes up the Mississippi.

Jericho: Look at that. Somebody built huge tin-can statues of Lou Thesz and Sting.
Benoit:
Why?
Jericho:
Hell if I know. But itís pretty cool, nonetheless.
Benoit:
Yeah. I guess it is.

Once they reach Arkansas, they pull the boats over to the shore and set up camp on the beach.

Jericho: All right, if we keep going west from here, we should be in L.A. in no time.
Tazz:
Yeah. Weíll just walk across the Rocky Mountains, and across that desert and waltz into the Staples Center NO PROBLEM!
Orton:
You know, I think there might be somebody following us over on the other side of the river. When I held up my mirror to check my hair, I thought I saw some thing.
Dreamer:
Like what?
Orton:
Something shiny on the other shore. You know, it reflected the sunlight. Like, bling-bling, you know?
Chavo:
Hey, has anyone seen Benoit?

Benoit has taken shelter in a small outcropping of rocks. He looks tired and haggard. Well, more haggard than usual. Christian approaches him.

Christian: Whatíre you doiní, little buddy? Itíd be totally heinous if somebody found you here. Why, if some wrestler hit you with his finisher? He could steal the belt. No problem. Then where would we be?
Benoit:
Oh, Christian. Donít tell me youíre about to turn heel.
Christian:
Donít you understand? I need that belt. Look at me! Iím a good wrestler. Iím entertaining. But do I ever get pushed? No! Iím a comedy wrestler. Iím a mid-card gimmick. What do I get? Nothing. I deserve a World Title.
Benoit:
NO!
Christian:
Come on. Just let-let me be a transitional champion. Iíll drop it to you at the next PPV. I promise.
Benoit:
No means no.
Christian:
Iím the more entertaining wrestler. Iíve got a better chance of getting into WrestleMania!

Benoit runs. Christian takes him down with a missile dropkick off the top of the rocks.

Christian: I HAVE THE POWER! Be a good little smackweed and give me the belt.
Benoit:
Never!

Benoit squirms away and puts the title on, and black rain clouds suddenly fill the sky, bringing near nightfall. On his way out, he kicks Christian in the balls.

Christian: Ow. I see your plan! Youíre going to give it to Vince in the hopes that heíll push you, right? Youíre no better than Triple H. No better. Oh damn. What am I saying? Of course heís better than Triple H. Anybody is better than Triple H. Come back! Take me with you to turn with Vince! We can win the tag team titles together!

Benoit rushes ahead through the rain. He stumbles back up the rocks and looks out at the long road ahead of them toward WrestleMania. He suddenly sees a phantom WWE Camera crew taping him, the camera crew that the wrestlers can never see in their backstage segments. Following the Fellowship and reporting their every move to Mr. McMahon. Benoit is suddenly very ill. He tumbles off the rocks, and the belt falls off in transit. Chris Jericho catches them both.

Jericho: Benoit?
Benoit:
Christianís turned heel.
Jericho:
And the belt?
Benoit:
You canít have it either? Canít you come to terms with it? Nobody trusts you as champion!
Jericho: Come on now, this isnít about me. Itís about you!

Benoit:
Is it? Are you still in my stable, Chris? Would you throw this title in the garbage in front of a PPV audience?

Jericho envisions his name on the beltís nameplate. He touches the strap lovingly. And then snaps it on Benoitís shoulder.

Jericho: I would have put Triple H himself in the Walls of Jericho until he tore his quad for you, Chris.
Benoit:
I know. I know. Youíre the head of the stable now, Y2J. Make sure Tommy gets to get a few shots in now and then. He feels underutilized.
A Voice:
HOOTIE HOO!
Jericho:
Oh snap. Run, Benoit. Run!

Benoit takes off down a small incline as Jericho turns just in time to nail Brad Armstrong with a chairshot across the skull. He poses and yells, ďCome On, Baby!Ē as the rest of the rap army approaches him.

In the forest near the camp....

Dreamer: Hello? Is anyone there? Mr. Benoit?
Master P:
Find the scruffy ones.
Dreamer:
Oh snap!

Back at the Pile oí Rocks....

Tazz: Need some help, brotha? This oneís gonna be rocketbustas.
Jericho:
Iíve never seen so many rappers. What a bunch of generic, wannabe poseurs.
Orton:
Did someone just say my name? Orton to the rescue!

Orton nails 4x4 with an RKO. Tazz locks Chase in the Tazzmission. Jericho fends off some of the other, more nameless, rappers. Near the bottom of the incline, Eddie and Chavo run into Benoit.

Chavo: Where are you going, esse?
Eddie:
Yeah, weíve got a great hiding spot, holmes.
Benoit:
....
Chavo:
Whatís the matter? Forget how to cut a promo?
Eddie:
He never knew how to cut one. Hahahaha. But seriously, I think heís leaving, Chavito.
Chavo:
Oh. Damn. Well, then you better run.
Eddie:
Yeah. HEY! Rap is crap, esse vato loco. Why donít you come and taste some LATINO HEAT!

The rappers all rush Eddie, led by Konan, who is pissed off that Eddie is more Latino than he is. Eddie and Chavo look at each other and freak out. They run off down the hill while Benoit sneaks off the other direction. As Konan is about to grab Chavo, Christian jumps out of a tree and nails him with the Unprettier. He blocks a heart punch from Swoll, but it becomes clear that the numbers are a bit overwhelming. On the other side of the battlefield, Tazz is suplexing rappers left and right, and Jericho is throwing inhuman amounts of dropkicks.

Meanwhile, Orton has 4x4 locked in a chinlock. Suddenly, they hear Christianís music from afar.

Jericho: Thatís Christianís theme.
Tazz:
He must be in trouble!
Orton:
To battle!

The No Limit Soldiers have parked their Hummers between Jericho, Tazz and Orton and Christian, Eddie and Chavo. Half the rappers rush one group while the others rush Christian.

Christian: Run! Run away!

Christian nails a few people with the Unprettier, but it takes too long to set up. How he longs for Tyson Tomko to have his back. Master P pulls out his gun and shoots Christian in the shoulder.

Christian: Oh. Oh damn! Not fair. Totally NOT FAIR.
Master P:
I ainít no wrestler, biatch. HOOTY HOO!

Eddie and Chavo look at each other, and charge ahead trying to spear Master P, but Swoll picks them both up and runs the other direction with them. Master P pops two more caps into Christianís ass.

Christian: Oh, My ASS! My lovely ass!

Master P swaggers up to Christian and raises his gun. When heís decked by a chairshot from behind by Jericho, he drops the gun. Christian smirks and then falls over, while Jericho rushes ahead to fight the lame rapper. Master P takes out a broken 40 of Silver Thunder and swings it at Jericho, who nimbly dodges. Jericho crashes the chair into Master Pís back, but the Kevlar absorbs most of the blow, so P is able to turn around and jab the glass into Jerichoís chest. Jericho grimaces, but uses the opportunity to headbutt Master P in the mouth. Pís ďicedĒ teeth bend under the pressure, and he looks ahead in shock.

Master P: Thatís it! Now Iím gonna make you say UUNGGGHHHH!

P charges ahead, but Jericho is swifter; he swings the chair, bending its seat around Master Pís head, killing rap in wrestling forever. Well, except for John Cena. And ďThe Truth.Ē Okay, killing RAPPERS in wrestling. There. Anyway, Master P has fallen. Tazz and Orton come upon the scene.

Christian: You were a little late making the save, Chris. Not just for meÖ for the others too.
Jericho:
Donít be silly. Faces canít lose in the end. Weíll get you to an undisclosed medical facility. Youíll see.
Christian:
Whereís Benoit?
Jericho:
Long gone. On his way to WrestleMania.
Christian:
Good. I couldnít do it.
Jericho:
Heís out of our hands now. Wow, thatís some blade job you did here.
Christian:
Donít you see? The midcarder has been sacrificed to make the main-event heel seem stronger.
Jericho:
I will defend our honor, Christian. The honor of all underpushed midcarders.
Christian:
Our honor. Yes. I made them look stronger for you. I can see itÖ the main event of BacklashÖ Christian vs. Chris JerichoÖ for the WWE TitleÖ one last time....

Christian has fallen. Jericho places his chair in Christianís hands, the face of Master P embedded deep within it, and pats his old partnerís head.

Jericho: Farewell, Vitamin C.

Tazz and Orton weep, causing Ortonís mascara to run. At the banks of the Mississippi, Tommy Dreamer has come upon the boat of Chris Benoit.

Dreamer: Mr. Benoit? Where are you going in that boat?

Mist rises up from the river.

Dreamer: Oh hell. I canít see.
Benoit:
Itís a flashback. Itíll pass soon.

A few days back....

Benoit: I wish Iíd never been given a run with this title. Who knew so much responsibility came with it?
Flair:
Few want that kind of responsibility, kid. But the important thing is what you do with the title. Itís your time now. Can you take the ball and run with it?
Benoit:
That phrase is so clichť.
Flair:
WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME? WOO! HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THE NATUR-

The mist clears. Tommy is now knee deep in the water.

Benoit: This tide will totally sweep you away, Tommy. Iím going to WrestleMania alone.
Dreamer:
Iím coming with you! Iíll be your manager.
Benoit:
Son of a bitch. Tommy, your fat ass canít swim, much less in this current.

Dreamer goes under. Benoit shakes his head sadly and begins paddling upstream, toward WrestleMania. Suddenly Tommy Dreamerís hand reaches up out of the water, and he pulls himself into the boat. Benoit looks surprised, but pleased.

Dreamer: I told youÖ I was hardcore.
Benoit:
What the hell are you doing here, Tommy?
Dreamer:
I told Ric that I wouldnít leave you. He said, ďWatch his back, Tommy Dreamer,Ē and thatís exactly what Iím on this boat to do.

Benoit smiles his gap-toothed smile and gives Dreamer a manly celebratory hug.

Benoit: Well, grab a paddle then.
Dreamer:
Oh, hell no. You were going to leave me to drown back there, werenít you?

Benoit and Dreamer share a laugh; crossfaces are threatened, and Tommy takes up a pair of oars. Back on the shores, Randy Orton is preparing the canoes for departure.

Orton: If we hurry, we can still catch up to Benoit, and I can get my beauty sleep.
Jericho:
No.
Orton:
What? Weíre done with this story?
Jericho:
Benoitís fate is in his own hands.
Tazz:
Some stable we made. Two of our members got killed. Two got kidnapped. Two quit. Weíre battiní 33%. And look what weíve got left here. An announcer, a no-good pretty boy, and a career midcarder.
Orton:
Iíll have you know Iíve been in plenty of main events.
Jericho:
You know what? I havenít been part of a good kidnapping storyline in a long time. What say we go try to get Eddie and Chavo? Huh? Would that make you feel better? Letís go bust some heels!
Tazz:
Itís gonna be rocketbustas! Letís go!

The 33% Society runs off cheering themselves on. Later that week, Benoit and Dreamer depart from their boats, paddle past the dangerous J.R. country, and take a train from Kansas City to Denver. As they approach the Rockies, they share a look.

Benoit: The Road To WrestleMania. I hope everybody else has an easier time at it.
Dreamer:
Iím sure Jerichoís got some scheme worked out.
Benoit:
I donít suppose weíll ever see them again.
Dreamer:
We may yet, Mr. Benoit. You know what they say, ďAnything can happen in the WWE.Ē
Benoit:
Eternal optimism. I knew there was some reason I liked you Tommy.

To Be Continued?

LotR Navigation
Part 1 -/- Part 2 -/- Part 3 -/- Part 4 -/- Part 5

 
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