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RAW SATIRE    
MechaHHH vs. DaveZilla 

February 8, 2005

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week:  Dave celebrated his Royal Rumble win by contemplating eating an entire cheesecake.  Eric Bischoff freaked out when he heard that Smackdown was at the show as well, but nothing ever really came of it.  And Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit couldn’t combine to win even one match, but one or the other will have to win…TONIGHT!
 
(Opening Credits)

We’re live in the land of the rising fun!  You know what that means?  That’s right…Eric Bischoff is out to cut a promo.  First, he regales the crowd with a short tale of his karate exploits, and he also introduces his translator, Fake nWo Sting.  Nobody lakes Fake nWo Sting.
 

Eric Bischoff:  Hi, we’re in Japan!  I know, I can’t believe it either.  But look at this friggin’ crowd, there’s actual people here.  This reminds me of WCW in Austrailia.  Speaking of WCW, how is nWo Japanese doing?  I know nWo Italian and nWo French jobbed out, but you guys are still doing great, right?  Right?
Fake nWo Sting:  Sure, boss.
EB:  YES!  Now here’s a little something we in America like to call a “Wrestling Match”. 

Wild Pegasus v. “Lionheart” Chris Jericho

Wild Pegasus is “Now Hailing from Mount Olympus”.  The Japanese fans cheer because they all love the silly Americans who wrestled in Japan for lots of money.

Lionheart:  I will beat you!  HahaHA!
Wild Pegasus:  You do not have the power!  HAHA!
LH:  Perhaps he is right.  I cannot even beat MechaHHH, how will I ever hope to beat the mysterious and mystical Wild Pegasus.  I can…feel…his…POWER!
WP:  You will fight me NOW?!
LH:  I will, for I wish not to bring shame to my family! 

They lock up, and are immediately raped by tentacles.

(ads)

When we come back, Benoit is floating in the air and glowing because he’s gone up 12 levels and his chi is, like, off the charts.  Jericho, o the other hand, lays at the bottom of a crater that was once a ring.

LH:  Ughn!
WP:  Now you will feel the might!  SHARP SHOOTER ATTACK!
LH:  Oh no!  Think, Jericho, think!  WALLS OF JERICHO!
WP:  Blast!  You have more fight in you than I’d ever imagined, Jericho!
LH:  Perhaps we are more evenly matched than you have thought?
WP:  Or perhaps I’ve yet to hit you with my most devastating attack possible?!  CRIPPLER CROSSFACE!! 

The arena explodes and a small cut opens on Chris Jericho’s face.  He falls to his knees and curses Benoit’s name.  Meanwhile, Benoit flies away.  He wins this match, but I expect it to go at least another 12 more weeks before its unsatisfying conclusion.  A winner is us.

(ads)

The arena is back.

MechaHHH is backstage with Master Flair….

Master Flair:  WOO!  Hunter, have you seen the vending machines around here?  I bought some squid salad and a pair of your old lady’s panties, and I took them for a ride on Space Mountain, fat boy!  WOOO!
MechaHHH:  This does not compute.  Engage Holding Down Sequence.
MF:  No!  NO!  It’s me, the Nature Boy!
HHH:  Analyzing.  Identity confirmed. 

Flair begs off anyway.

MF:  Now, let’s go get with some robots in school girl outfits.  WOO!
HHH:  Affirmative.  Query:  Will the one known as Dave win the WWE Title on Smackdown?
MF:  Hell if I know.
HHH:  Query:  Why am I talking like this?
MF:  The only steroids you could get around here were rob steroids, you’ve been on some kind of metallic high all week.
HHH:  Your response makes sense.  You will be spared in the great roster purge.
MF:  Awesome.  That’s why you’re the champ.  WOO!

Elsewhere, Chris Tian is speaking with a Japanese business man about creaking a manga about Intergalactic Ladies Man and Werewolf hunter Chris Tian and his cyborg servant TomKO.  The business man, however, seems more interested in the raping of Intergalactic Space Hussy and Bed Wetter Stacy Keibler by some kind of Demon.

Demon:  NOW, are you READY TO ROCK?!
Intergalactic Space Hussy and Source of All Evil Stacy Keibler:  Yes, KISS Demon.
Japanese Business Man:  Best show ever.
ISHSAESK:  Does everybody get raped by a demon here?
JBM:  Only in games, comics and movies.
ISHSAESK:  Oh!  Right.
Chris Tian:  Shut up!  I want to pitch my manga idea!  It’s awesome, right Tomko?
Tyson Tomko:  ….
ISHSAESK:  See?  Even your own bodyguard doesn’t think it makes any sense?
JPB:  Doesn’t make sense?  Perfect!
ISHSAESK:  You know what else doesn’t make sense?  Randy Orton!
JPB:  AH!  Orton-san!  I will meet him!

They walk off.

CT:  What the hell just happened there?  Tomko?
TT:  ….
CT:  I KNOW we got served.  Take care of it.

(ads)

Maven:  Can you believe it?  It’s me!  Maven!
Crowd:  Nani?!
MV:  I said it’s me….
Crowd:  Nani?!
MV:  Maven!
Crowd:  Nani?!
MV:  Man, why am I here?  This is insane.
Crowd:  Nani?!

Maven v. Davezilla

Davezilla breaks up his ramp poses by breathing fire on the audience.  He gets into the ring and steps on Maven.  Davezilla wins.  Everybody cheers because, Davezilla is the biggest star they’ve seen so far.  However, all the cheering gets him worked up, and you know that means that everything goes crazy go nuts.  Davezilla runs out of the arena and begins destroying Tokyo, he takes down the arena and swats down buildings.  Hiroko runs away screaming.  THIS is the road to WrestleMania.

Somewhere, a promo runs where The Big Show says he’s big enough to eat Davezilla.

(ads)

The arena is back.

Backstage, Eric Bischoff has Davezilla contained.

Eric Bischoff:  You can’t go running around destroying Tokyo, Dave.
Davezilla:  I KNOW!  ROAR!
EB:  Listen, Dave, I know you’re thinking about going to Smackdown, but think about it, would you rather job to MechaHHH or Cena?
DZ:  I’d rather not job at ALL!
EB:  Come on, Dave.
DZ:  Let me think about IT!  ROAR!

William Regal and Tajiri v. La Resistance
In an Exploding Arena Match for the WWE World Tag Team Titles

The crowd goes nuts for Tajiri because he’s from the entire country of Japan.  He, of course, represents by working in the traditional Japanese “Nothin’ but kicks and green mist” offense.  The crowd gets into some rhythmic clapping that makes me very…very…sleeeeeeepy….  When I wake up, Tajiri has Conway pinned and he and Regal win the tag team titles.  It makes Regal getting stripped of the tag team titles pretty pointless doesn’t it?  Everybody is clapping and happy, then the arena explodes.

(ads)

The arena is back.

Shawn Michaels v. Master Ric Flair
Pokemon Battle

Shawn Michaels:  Hey, Ric!
Ric Flair: You don’t talk to me, fat boy!
HBK:  Woahho, what’s you’re problem?
Misty:  Let it go, Shawn, he’s not worth our time.
Brock:  You know what?  HERE COMES THE PAIN!
HBK:  Pikachu!  I choose you!MF:  Mr. Mime, I choose WOO!
John Cena:  Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, YO!  YO!  Prepare for trouble.
Torrie Wilson:  And, like, make it double.
JC:  To protect the world from devistation.
TW:  To unite all people within our nation.
JC:  To denounce the evils of truth and love in the CHAIN GANG!
TW:  To extend, like, our reach to the stars above!
JC:  Cena.
TW:  Torrie.
JC:  Team Smackdown blasts off at the speed of light.
TW:  Surrender now or prepare not to see us again until April.
Teddy Long:  Buhleedat.
HBK:  The hell?
JC:  Word life.  You ust got knocked out by the Doctor of Thuganomics and the Smackdown Crew!
Mr. Mime:  MIME!

Pikachu zaps them all, bringing down the whole arena.  Michaels wins.

(ads)

The arena is back.

Jerry “The Ring” Lawler is in the ring.  Don’t look or you’ll die from embarrassment in seven days!  He drags out Christy Hemme, Josh Mathews, Victoria, and Maria Tennyson Lund.  They all do various dances which delight the Japanese men.  Then they are interrupted by Nova.

Nova:  Did you guys get ECW here?  Seriously.  I was awesome.  Best…uh…Best guy ever.
Jerry Lawler:  Were not!  You weren’t even better than Tommy Dreamer.
NV:  Was too!
Maria Tennyson Lund:  Maria Tennyson Lund here with Nova, and Nova you’re here in Japan, how does it feel?
NV:  Uh…Ok?
Christy Hemme:  Should I shoot the T-Shirt gun, yet?
Josh Mathews:  I wouldn’t.  I don’t think those Adam Bomb shirts would go over very well here.
CH:  Why ever not?
Yokozuna’s Ghost:  I couldn’t help but watch this from ringside.  Knock it off and get back to the wrestling.
CH:  Ew, who’s the fat guy?
NV:  Don’t worry, baby, I’ll protect you.
JL:  Who are you to talk?  There’s no way we’re getting back to the wrestling, titties is universal!
YZG:  Don’t make me attack!
JM:  To be fair, sir, you’re a ghost.  What are you going to do?
YZG:  BONZAI!!

Yokozuna’s Ghost eats Lillian Garcia.  The others are scared off by this showing of supernatural power.  On the way back to the locker room, Christy gives Nova a grope for being so brave for a few minutes.  A winner is everyone!  It was DEFINITELY worth bringing all those guys over there.

(ads)

MechaHHH is talking to Davezilla and Master Flair in Super Evolution Mega Power Great Strength Fortress of Light and Rest X28~~

MechaHHH:  Davezilla, it is my determination that you should go to Smackdown win that sector’s championship.  It would make us both champions and we would control this entire industry.  Does that compute?
Davezilla:  You already control the BUSINESS!  ROAR!
Master Flair:  I can’t believe I picked Mr. Mime.  Stupid, Stupid, Stupid.  I’m gonna take his old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, Fat boys.  WOO!
HHH:  Deleting from memory banks.
DZ:  I wish I had that POWER!  All I have is fire BREATHING!
HHH:  Consider my speech patterns, Davezilla.
DZ:  Whatever you say, ROBOMAN!

Elsewhere, Coach is standing by with Edge.

Jonathan Coachman:  This CAN’T be depressing.  Come on, you’re in a foreign country, you’ve got a World Title Shot.  A great day for Edge!
Edge:  Yeah, I guess.
JC:  What?  What could possibly be wrong?
EG:  Oh, you wouldn’t understand.
JC:  Sure I would, kid.  What’s on your mind?
EG:  Man, everybody’s got all these great Japanese gimmicks, but what about me?  What about Edge?  All I’ve got is “Smells Like Sake,” and that doesn’t really translate well to TV.
JC:  Especially not on a tape delay.
EG:  Man, I wish I was still on Smackdown, I would’ve main evented a PPV by now for sure.
JC:  Hey, I’ve got an idea.
EG:  Suuuuuure you do.
JC:  No, seriously.  Let’s go.

(ads)

Legendary Samurai Randy Orton v. TomKO (w/ Werewolf Hunter Chris Tian)

Orton comes out in full Samurai regalia and bows humbly to the audience to a huge pop.  Randy Orton is a legend here.  The fans chant LKO, do they mean LWO?  That’s Smackdown, kids.  I’m sorry that was a cheap shot.  Only some of the LWO is on Smackdown.  Orton aims to use his skills of the blade to behead TomKO, but the cybernetic chin implant that also gives TomKO the power to see in the dark, stops Orton’s blade in its tracks.  Chris Tian runs to the back and brings out Intergalactic Space Hussy and Possible Werewolf Stacy Keibler, so that they can copulate and then, possibly, so that he can slay her.  Do it!  However, before any of that can happen, Orton slices and dices TomKO’s cybernetics with razor sharp efficiency and TomKO falls over.  A winner is you, Randy!  What he doesn’t see, however, is Chris Tian impaling him with his 29 ½ foot sword.  Orton is down and bleeding as Intergalactic Space Hussy and I Guess Not a Werewolf Stacy Keibler attends to him.  The crowd is insane with boos as their national hero lay hurt.  They tear the arena down in frustration.

(ads)

The arena is back.

MechaHHH (w/ Ric Flair and Davezilla) v. Edge
For the WWE World Title

Edge announces before the match can begin that this contest will be contested under Most Extreme Elimination Challenge rules.  Let’s get it on!  Man, where the hell is Kane tonight?  Japan needs more Kane.  Instead what they get is Sinkers and Floaters.  HHH tentatively hops from brick to brick, slowly but surely making his way across.  And he makes it!  But wait!  Ric Flair was hiding just below the water’s surface wearing a rock helmet to help HHH!  That’s unfair!  But it counts anyway.  Edge tries to speed across, and almost fails, but at the last second he’s able to jump atop the bewildered looking Flair and score a win.  It’s 1-1.  Time for a commercial!

(ads)

WWE RAW Referee Jack Babaganoush explains the rules of the next contest, “Door Jam”.  Let’s get it on.  HHH barrels through the doors with the help of his trusty sledgehammer, making short work of the course.  Then he goes back and lays in wait, ready to nail the PEDIGREE TO EDGE~! whenever Edge makes it through to the third level.  However, Davezilla is lying in wait, and he chases HHH off, telling him to wait until the Eliminator to cheat if it comes to that.  Flair adds, “WOO!”  Edge gets the signal to go, and Spears a solid door immediately, knocking him out and rebreaking his neck.  That’s the #1 Most Painful Elimination of the day!  It also means that HHH is the winner.  Sorry, Edge, better luck next time.  Until Then:  DON’T GET ELIMINATED!

MechaHHH doesn’t see it, but thankfully we and our loving cameraman do, but Davezilla is totally checking out HHH’s belt.  I think a certain monster has a crush.  A crush which will soon become an obsession, just as soon as he’s done fighting this giant radioactive moth.

JAPAN RULEZ~!

Next Week:  We’re back in the United States where everybody goes back to their boring old gimmicks.   Kane will make his triumphant return by fighting Yokozuna’s Ghost in an Iron Man Match.  Randy Orton will STILL be wearing the goddamn Samurai suit though.

Now go read the Lord of the Ring’s Satire if you haven’t yet, would you?

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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