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RAW SATIRE    
Batista vs. JBL? Batista vs. JTL?   

February 15, 2005

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week:  RAW was live in Japan the land where Pokemon battle and everybody speaks English, only backwards! Davezilla destroyed the city and helped make sure that HHH retained his title.  And Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho were violated by tentacles, who will get violated by tentacles…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Jericho is out and he seems sad. I guess nobody will be his Valentine. He sent out a thousand “Dora the Explorer” cards and nobody sent him one.  Aw.  Wait!  Hark!  What light through yonder window breaks?  It’s Josh Mathews holding a card that reads “I’m glad I FOUND you, Valentine!”
  

Josh Matthews:  Hey, Chris.
Chris Jericho:  Hey there, Valentine!
Greg “The Hammer” Valentine: Hi, Chris.
CJ: So, Josh, I heard you were in a controversial Super Bowl ad.
JM:  No.  I WAS on a very boring episode of Smackdown, though.
CJ:  No, no, no.  I have the video proof right here!

Video rolls of Josh Mathews holding a lifeless cat and a knife.

JM:  Err…yeaaaaaah.  About that….
CJ:  What a crazy ad!  That sure was crazy!
JM:  Ad.  Right.  I totally forgot I was in that…Super Bowl commercial.
CJ:  I was in an “ad” for WrestleMania where I looked up Stacy Keibler’s skirt.
JM:  Ad.  Right.
CJ:  I’m glad you’re my Valentine, Josh.
JM: This’ll be the best Year of the Cock ever!

This of course brings out Muhammed Hassan and Khosrow Daivari.

Mohammad Hassan:  Goddammit.  Stop.  Stop this nonsense right this minute.
CJ:  Are you wearing a tunic?
MH:  Maybe.  Anyway, you guys shouldn’t support this stupid corporate holiday.  It’s ridiculous.  It really is.  You’re just wasting money on one stupid day which could be better spent on food or hookers…or something.
CJ:  You’re just pissed because you don’t have a date aren’t you?
MH:  This is like, eight years in a row, man.  What does a brother have to do?
CJ:  I’ll wrestle you tonight.
MH:  Really?  You mean it?
CJ:  I do.  Valentine.
JM:  What the hell, dude?
CJ:  Sorry, Josh.  You’ll land on your feet.
JM:  Hmph.  How about you, Daivari?  What are you doing?
KD:  Chickens.
JM:  Ew.

(ads)

Muhammed Hassan (w/ Khosrow Daivari) v. Chris Jericho

Jericho takes control early by nailing Hassan with a bouquet of flowers.  Thankfully for him, however, there wasn’t a lead pipe in the flowers.  Daivari tries to get involved by jumping into the ring, but he’s allergic to the flowers, so he sneezes his ass back on out.  Then, Jericho gets hit with Hassan’s finisher, which is just Jericho’s old finisher that never got over, and in such a way, Jericho jobs again.  Poor, Chris.  At least he has Fozzy to fall back on.  How many records did they sell again?  I think last week they went Double Tin.

Backstage, Triple H and Triple Naitch are talking about stuff.  Man, HHH is rocking a pretty awful mustache tonight.  I hope he realizes how stupid he looks and grows out the Rich Uncle Pennybags mustache.

Triple H:  Hey, Naitch, did you here what I heard?
Ric Flair:  Yes, and quite frankly, I won’t stand for it!  WOO!
HHH:  Yeah, I can’t believe that JBL is coming HERE!
RF:  Oh, is he?
HHH:  What’d you think I was talking about.
RF:  The hockey season is over!!
HHH:  Is it?
RF:  Yes!  And I’m really pissed.  I’m a big Carolina Hurricanes fan.
HHH:  You are not.
RF:  You’re right.  I’m not.
The Hurricane:  Did somebody mention a Carolina Hurricane?
HHH:  It was a mistake.  Sorry.
HC:  Oh.  It’s cool.  I just thought I might be on RAW tonight.
HHH:  Nope.
HC:  Oh.  Cool.  Cool.

(ads) 

Now in the Hall of Fame:  Rowdy Roddy Piper.  This is great news for TNA, because now a week after WrestleMania, he can show up and talk about how Vince McMahon is the Devil and how he’s infecting the business with the Sickness.  AGAIN!  Yay!

Speaking of Hall of Famers, Randy Orton and Intergalactic Space Hussy and Wife Beater Stacy Keibler are backstage.

Randy Orton:  Hello, Stacy.  Have you come here to learn the history of the Aztec people?
Intergalactic Space Hussy and Face Sucker Stacy Keibler:  No, silly!
RO:  Then tell my, My Darling Stacy, why have you come here?
IGSHFSSK:  I thought maybe you would want to go to dinner with me?  You know, because it’s Valentines day?
RO:  No, Stacy, I’m afraid not.  I have to program all these microprocessors before Wednesday.  Perhaps there is some other strapping young buck who will take you out so for a grape?
IGSHFSSK:  I don’t think you understand my situation, Randy!  I broke up a longstanding professional relationship for you.  I was a championship, Randy K. Orton, and now I’m nothing.  I’m just some throwaway feature in one of your segments.  Do you know how that makes me feel?
RO:  Thirsty?
IGSHFSSK:  A little!

Too bad, bitch.  You had your moment in the sun.

Elsewhere, Flair runs into an even more awkward romantic encounter between Maria Tennyson Lund and “Dave” Batista “Davidson”.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”:  You have pretty HAIR!
Maria Tennyson Lund:  Thank you.  I’m here with Dave Davidson, and Dave, I have to ask, how are you going to spend your Valentines Night?
DBD:  I’m going to play the Mario BROTHERS!
MTL:  That sounds like fun, can I come?
DBD:  I GUESS!  You have to be LUIGI!
MTL:  Um…Sure.  I guess.  I have to level with you, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
DBD:  You have pretty HAIR!
MTL:  So do you, big guy!
RF:  You two almost make up a fully developed person!  WOO!
DBD:  What do you WANT?  You’re ruining my GAME!
RF:  Are you jumping to Smackdown or not?
DBD:  I’ll tell you next WEEK!  Until then, I want ACTION!

(ads)

Abe Orton v. Shelton Benjamin
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Nothing says, “Honest to God, we don’t know what to do with you” like wrestling Abe Orton on the Road To WrestleMania, unless you’re Kane.  Shelton tries to get some wrestling moves in there, but Abe nosells them all in favor of standing around and growling quite a bit.  This, by the way, is a tactic Abe learned in Sun Tzu’s “Art of War”.  “Growl a lot.  It works!” - Sun Tzu.  However, Shelton hits the Stinger Splash, which of course leads to that sinking feeling that poor Shelton is on the path to a disappointing wrestling career until he finds God, blows a huge heel turn and then stars in a really terrible movie about how he became a Christian.  Then Christian will get pissed because HE’S not getting pushed.  In any event, Abe is disqualified for shooting binders from his beard at Shelton.  This match proves nothing!  Plus I’m pretty sure beard binders weren’t part of the Art of War.

(ads)

La Resistance v. William Regal and Tajiri
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

La Res has Heart flags this week which is a nice touch.  I think Tajiri will always carry a bit of a torch for William.  He’ll forever be Tajiri’s secret Valentine, but he’s too British to figure it out for himself.  Or maybe they’re just tag team partners again by coincidence.  Hell, I don’t know.  Tajiri blasts Conway with the pink mist, the mist of love, which immediately causes Conway to bolt down the ramp to buy chocolate for every wrestling fan in the world.  Expect yours in the mail soon!  Unless he eats them all!  This allows Regal to pick up the win by running into Grenier while they are both running the ropes.

Cameramen are outside in the parking lot, just in case somebody decides to park in their spot.

(ads)

Chris Tian (w/ Tyson Tomko and The Goatee) v. Randy Orton

I have a bad feeling about all these concussions Randy is getting.  Something leads me to believe that Randy will suffer one too many concussions one day and become Randall K. Ortune, who will be the suave, cool ultimate ladies man who will hook up with all the Divas on RAW, and then the next concussion will turn him back into lowly, nerdy, crappy Randy Orton.  Are they lifting storylines from Family Matters?  Hell, they’ve got Coach to play Karl Winslow.  The only problem with that scenario is that it would eventually lead to TWO Ortons.  Maybe they can deal one to Smackdown for Nunzio. 

(ads)

Tian’s music is good, but I can’t wait to hear The Goatee’s.  Tomko and The Goatee get thrown out because they’re distracting people from how Pretty Orton is.  It’s for the best I think.  I don’t want to even think about the reaction people would have if this one didn’t end in some sort of clean pinfall.  Or falling over.  You know.  Whichever.  The ending to this mess comes when Christian tries to go for the Unprettier, but Orton is JUST TOO PRETTY so he breaks out and Christian falls over~!  Orton wins!  OMG~!

In the Bischoffice, Bischoff and Theodore Long are conversing over the phone.

Eric Bischoff:  I don’t care if you’re roaming.  Yes I can hear you now.  No, it’ not good.  I don’t know if I “buhlee dat”.  Listen, are we going to talk about JBL or not?  I don’t care if he got married.  Or if his Diva quit.  Shut up and let me talk for a second.  You are NOT going through a tunnel.  I can hear you making those static noises.  Dammit….What do YOU want?
Edge:  Love.
EB:  Too bad.
EG:  I want to be respected.
EB:  No.
EG:  I want to be Made.
EB:  I’ll tell you what.  If Batista quits RAW, I’ll see what I can do about putting you on “Made:  I want to be a Country Music Star”.
EG:  Will you be my Valentine.
EB:  No.

(ads)

Trish Stratus is out and she’s pissed off.  About what?  Who the hell knows.  Maybe she’ll tell us.

Trish Stratus:  I hate men.  I can’t believe Christian dumped me to hang out with the Goatee.  But what I hate even more is not having any opponents to wrestle.  I mean what the hell is going on here?  They fired all the women, and then stupid Lita gets hurt, so now who am I supposed to wrestle at WrestleMania?  Victoria?  For the third year in a row?  Oh, how about Rhyno?  That’d be great.
Christie Hemme:  How about me?
TS:  Who the hell are you?
CH:  I’m Christie Hemme!  I won the Diva Search.  I’m in Playboy?
TS:  Debbie Gibson?
CH:  No.  No.  Listen, will you wrestle me or not?
TS:  Probably not.
CH:  Damn.  I was hoping to ruin WrestleMania.  I’ll have to think of something else, then.  Aren’t you that girl that sleeps with everybody in storylines?
TS:  Stacy?
CH:  No, the other one.
TS:  Oh, yeah.  That’s me.
CH:  What the hell?
TS:  I need to be loved.
CH:  We should hook you up with Edge!

Kiss!  Kiss!  No?  Damn.  Why the hell am I still watching this show?

(ads)

Kane v. Nova

I think my Valentine’s Day needed a bit more Kane.  I wish somebody would send me a Valentine’s Card of Kane kissing Lita from the wedding with a caption that says “My Fire Still Burns for You, Valentine.”  But they probably won’t.  Nova informs us he invented Valentine’s Day, which  draws boos from all the men in the audience.  He goes to try to make some cocoa during the match, but Kane knocks it out of his hand and hits a chokeslam.  Then he does pushups because Kane is the last surviving member of the Scott Steiner Fan Club. Kane wins.  Huzzay!

Cameras still outside.  The pizza isn’t here yet.

(ads)

Shawn Michaels is backstage with The Coach.

JC:  The Coach backstage with Shawn Michaels.  Shawn, what’s up with you and Kurt Angle, man?
HBK:  What?
JC:  Kurt Angle.  He attacked you during the Royal Rumble.
HBK:  Man, hell if I know, dude.  I thought they just dropped that like they do everything else.
JC:  No, we got a whole thing here to do about it.
HBK:  Do you know who taught me to Superkick?
JC:  Jose Lothario?
HBK:  No.  It was Jesus.
JC:  Really?  The guy from Smackdown?
HBK:  No, THE Jesus.  Did Jesus teach Angle the Ankle Lock?  Hells no he didn’t.  So I’ve got nothing to worry about.  My talent is from God.  His talent is from…I dunno…Bob Backlund.
JC:  Are you wearing a suit with mirror chaps?
HBK:  I know, isn’t it awesome?

HHH is backstage with Dave.

HHH:  Focus on Edge, I’ll worry about JBL.
DBD:  What about JTL?
HHH:  Who?
DBD:  I just found out my new girlfriend has a BOYFRIEND.
HHH:  Silly, Dave.  You could take him.
DBD:  I can because I am DAVE!
HHH:  Whatever.  Just go have your match.  I’ll watch your back.
DBD:  I hope he arrives before the show is OVER!
HHH:  Oh, Dave, you so crazy go nuts.

(ads)

Chris Masters is coming next week to pose all over the competition!

Edge v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” (w/ Triple H)

Dave’s cabbage patch is very violent.  I’m guessing Flair is on “finishing the cheese tray so we didn’t waste our money” duty for Evolution.  The action is pretty back and forth to start, if by “back and forth” you mean, “Edge gets beat up for a while, then Dave beats up Edge for a while”.  However, the real story of the match is HHH’s goddamn mustache.  Look at it.  Mocking us.  I can’t believe it’s audacity  “I will never job!  I am the mustache of doom!”  Dave hits the Osprey Bomb, but suddenly Flair runs in and chops everyone.  That’s a DQ.  Poor Dave.  He lost to Edge.  Evolution runs out to the parking lot.

On the way out there, Dave tells Hunter not to get involved, but Hunter isn’t hearing any of it.  He’s hardly gotten any airtime for the mustache this week.  And his Valentine is Stephanie.  Eeeeeew.  Maybe he could ask Nibblins.  In any event, as Dave walks out, he’s almost run over by a limo, but HHH pushes him into a pile of conveniently stacked boxes.  Thank God those were there, if only Austin would have had them, he could have been saved!  The driver pokes his head out.

Jeb Tennyson Lund:  You don’t mess with my girl on Valentines, bitch.

The limo drives off.  Dave vows to appear on Smackdown to try to get a girlfriend over there. 

Next Week:  RAW or Smackdown?  Dave makes the biggest choice of his career since he picked to be the minnow in Odell Lake!  Plus, Edge complains about some stuff that hasn’t even happened yet.  Also, Chris Benoit explains his absence from this show by noting that “Nobody cares about Chris Benoit” and then crying.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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