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RAW SATIRE    
The Power of Orton Compels You   

April 5, 2005

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: ďDaveĒ Batista ďDavidsonĒ did the impossible when he beat Triple H one on one for the title at Wrestlemania, and then unlocked the Super Secret Actual Ending on Rampage World Tour. Christy Hemme proved that the WWE doesnít need Gail Kim when it comes to finding people to job to Trish. Hey, did you hear the one about Randy Orton? He totally jobbed, if you missed it then, youíll see it againÖTONIGHT! 
 
Didnít see Wrestlemania? Hereís a video recapping every big spot from every match. Now you donít have to order he replay!

(Opening Credits)

Who loves you, baby? Itís Triple H. I think heís just pissed off that he couldnít get Sarah McLaughlin to play him down to the ring last night. Iíll tell 

you what, she wouldnít have forgotten the lyrics. What was up with that?  

Time To Play The Game (Wrestlemania 21 Remix)
By Motor Head

Itís all about the Game,
And how you play it,
All pancakes are the same,
Unless you use Bisquick.

Itís all about the Mets,
And if they can swing it,
Itís all about control,
I donít know what Iím saying.

Look at your sugar,
Get ready for fun.
See my mug shot,
On the Smoking Gun.
Time to burn a Flame!
Blah Blah Blah BLAH!
Woohaha!

Hunter is on the mic.

Triple H: Hi. You know, originally, this spot was reserved for Batista. I mean, I admit it, he won the World Title, last night, but if you think my winning it back is far off, youíre kidding yourself. I give Dave until Bad Blood, maybe, before he completely looses it and gives the title back to me. I mean, Nibblins is a better choice as World Champion. Besides, what would happen if we gave Dave the mic tonight? This is exactly what he would say, ďIím the World CHAMPION! Iím the stupidest person EVER! Triple H is super COOL!Ē Man, nobody wants to hear that crap. Everybody wants to hear MY crap. Or didnít we learn anything with Benoit? I mean, look at him. That was the most boring World Title reign ever, and donít get me started on Randy. Besides, youíre gonna get your fill of a champion talking and talking and never shutting up on Smackdown, believe me. If Dave knows whatís good for him, heíll just shut up and give me my win back at Backlash. Now, excuse me while I yell at this guy.

Hunter begins screaming at Jimmy McJones, Ringside Fan. Jimmy uses the opportunity to kiss Triple Hís nose. Not knowing quite what to do, Triple H backs up the entrance ramp.

(ads)

Chris Jericho v. Chris Tian (w/ Tyson Tomko and the Goatee) v. Shelton Benjamin
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Jericho and Shelton fight with Christian to start, but you can tell their hearts arenít in it. They are just absolutely sick of wrestling each other. Jericho locks Christian in the Walls of Jericho. Tian sighs, rolls his eyes, and takes a nap. Meanwhile, Shelton brawls with Tomko. They obviously havenít been in the WWE long enough to be bored with the midcard. Theyíll learn. I think Shelton is still just thrilled that he was able to drop Haas. Jericho begins nodding off, but Shelton comes flying off the top knocking Jericho down and Shelton picks up the win. There ainít no stopping himÖNAH! Shelton and Tomko high-five to celebrate their awesome match. Ah, the innocence of youth.

Edge is backstage in the Bischoffice.

Edge: This briefcase is AWESOME! Look! A pocket for my cellphone charger! Now all I need is a cell phone!
Eric Bischoff: I thought you were giving that to Matt Hardy.
EG: Screw Matt Hardy. With this briefcase, maybe people will finally take me seriously as a wrestler.
EB: Let me guess, youíre going to start wearing a tie and suspenders and be the new IRS.
EG: No, man. I canít. Trish stole my suspenders.
EB: So about that World Title shotÖ.
EG: Oh! Did you see this? A secret pocket! I can put all KINDS of crazy crap in there. LikeÖuhÖGum!
EB: Do you want to take that this week, orÖyou know? When?
EG: Man, I canít WAIT until I have some papers to put in here! Can I have these Post-It Notes?
EB: Go nuts.
EG: Crazy Go Nuts! Man, now I just need some pens.
EB: Edge. Do you want to wrestle Batista this week?
EG: What are you crazy? My first night with this main event briefcase, I donít want to be jobbing to no Daves.
EB: Then youíre wrestling Benoit.
EG: Aw crap.
EB: Hey, you had a choice.
EG: Yeah, yeah. At least Benoit is still a big jobber.
EB: Actually, heís a lilí tiny jobber.
EG: Yeah, he is. Look at that lilí Jobber.
EB: Yeah.
EG: Yeah.
EB: Did you just steal my letter opener.
EG: This briefcase has a SHEATH for that. I mean, a SHEATH!
EB: WaitÖReally? Man, Iíve just had that thing sitting in my office since I used it to give Triple H the World Title a few years ago. Itís got all that crap in it? Thatís awesome.
EG: Yeah well, back off.
EB: Man, now I want a briefcase.

(ads)

Randy Orton is in the ring.

Randy Orton: As a great lesbian of our day, Joey Lawrence, once said, ďWoah! Woah is me!Ē I canst not believe it, I jobbed to the Underquacker. Truly, he waddled down that island, struck his pose, and then he took me right down to where the sun doesnít rise, Japan I think? And there I jobbed to a Pepperoni Pizza. And I tried. I tried to have my daddy help. I tried to hit him with a Pizza of my own making. But in the end, it was that stupid Eugene that finished me. He came up to be before the show and said, ďRandy Orton, greaterest than any wrestler living or dead, is it true what I heard on the Extranet? Will you really miss four moths of action?Ē And I said, ďNah!Ē But then I got to thinking, what if heís right? Then my head hurt, and I forgot all about my match. So now I donít know whatís going on. What I do know, however, is that Iím tired of seeing Dave out here trying to start what I finished! A hot young wrestler out of Evolution who falters in his big push? Thatís my job, Davis! MY JOB!

Eric Bischoff is out.

Eric Bischoff: No. Weíve already got two world title angles.
RO: But whyyyyyy, Mr. Bigstuff? Youíve said it yourself! Iím the greetest Worldy Champion in all the seven seas! You cannot deny the magnatism that is the Orton!
EB: No, no. Iím not going to let you talk me into this.
RO: Talk you into what? Donít you agree that Iím a porcelain god?
EB: A huh?
RO: And that if you were missing your teeth, that you could find them carried on the moonbeams of a rainbow.
EB: I guess.
RO: You are truly bowling, sir, bowling for the donuts of life. I feel your pain and wish to correct the inconsistency of the pancakes of your soul.. Iím ready to flap to your rescue!
EB: IÖuhÖ?
RO: So what do you say, Erin? Can I open the cookie jar of life, one last time, stick my head in, and lick the creamidy centers of the Oreos of existence.
EB: Sure. I think?
RO: Fantastical! Iíll see you in the main event!
EB: Wait. No! Huh?

Trish Stratus is wandering around backstage looking for a dress shirt. No luck.

(ads)

Christy Hemme (w/ Lita) v. Trish Stratus
For The WWE Womenís Title

Trish is THIS close to making a passable Amish Roadkill. This was actually one of the ten best matches of the year. April Fools! Actually it wasnít even one of the ten best matches of this show. Trish kicks Christy to start. Lita is all offended because Trish is using an actual move. Trish kicks Lita in the knee. Iím with Trish here. Lita failed in her mission to get Christy grievously injured. Trish has every right to be pissed off. Trish rips Litaís leg off and begins beating Christy with it until Christy sprains her ankle. Good work, Trish! Matt Hardy begins to write a lengthy message board post about how this is Godís way of telling Lita that sheís a filthy slut.

(ads)

Ok, if you didnít see Wrestlemania, hereís what happened. Eugene came out, and he was talking about how heíd read some rumors on the Internet about how Mohammed Hassan was going to job to Hulk Hogan. Hassan was so pissed off that Eugene reminded people that that was supposed to happen that he ran out to stop him. Unfortunately, this led to Hulk Hogan hobbling out and attacking Hassan. Poor Hassan. Then, when Daivari attempted to make the save, Brooke Hogan came in and sang at him, rendering him stupid. Charlie Haas came out for his scheduled match with Hassan, but by that time, the show had already gone to video package. HeyÖNone of this happened tonight!

(ads)

Shawn Michaels comes out, and heís only at about half prance. Those injuries are sure bitches, Iíll tell you what. Heís trying though. Maybe weíll find out what heís thinking.

Shawn Michaels: Hi. Listen, Iíve gotta say, Iím sorry about that Mania match. I really should have won, but it totally slipped my mind for about four weeks that I even had a match at Mania, and then suddenly, I was like, ďOh, snap! Iíve got a match tonight?!Ē So Iím sorry I lost. Something tells me you people donít give a ratís ass though. You just came out here to see guys in underwear talk about each other and titties. Which is fine. I know Iíve still got all my fans. Right? Oh, screw you. Iím moviní to Smackdown. I AM NOT JOBBING TO DOGS! You hear me, McMahon? Get your ass out of your wheelchair, and call USA, and tell them Shawn Michaels is NOT being preempted by a Scottish Terrier ever again! Unless they bring back Pacific Blue.

Leyleahleyleahaaaaa! Itís Sting! Maybe heís out to laugh about how WCW loved Dog Show night. WaitÖItís Hassaan. What does he want? Oh great. Heís got a mic.

Khosrow Daivari: I canít believe I jobbed to Brooke Hogan!
Muhammed Hassan: Let me handle this one, Khos.
KD: I told you to stop calling me that!
MH: Hey, Shawn. Did you ever think that the Dogs are way more over than you are? That Scottish Terrier is drawing twice the ratings you are.
HBK: Thatís not true! Thatís impossible!
MH: Search the ratings. You know it to be true!
HBK: NOOOOO!
MH: What is it with you that you wonít believe me? Do you hate me because of my race?
HBK: Yes. I hate you because youíre Italian. Ever since I couldnít beat Mario Brothers, Iíve always had this thing against Italians with stupid facial hair.
Hassan: I thought so. But, before you make with the big talk, maybe you should shut up and deal with the fact that, unless you DO get thrust onto the Smackdown Roster with Orton, you DESERVE to get your ass humped by Lassie.
HBK: Nobody humps things around here but me!

With that, Shawn attacks, but unfortunately, his near victory is incredibly short lived, as Daivari notices the limp in Shawnís prancing and kicks Shawn in the back of the knee. With Michaels down, Hassan and Daivari spend some time beating up his body. The crowd chants for ďHogan,Ē whichÖDoesnít anybody remember the last time that happened? Anybody? Mr. America, people. Then again, if Hulk shows up and punks out Batista and wins the title, donít say I didnít warn you.

(ads)

Chris Benoit v. Edge

Benoit is wearing one sleeve. Heís like the new Kane! This show needs more Kane. Lots more. Edge has the briefcase. What the hell has he put in there now? Charlie Haas? I think thereís a Charlie Haas shaped pocket in there somewhere. Edge works the arm. And then he works the arm. The arm is worked. Benoit tries some suplexes and some arm related restholds, but he canít get them to work, becauseÖYou know? Edge has been working the arm. A Chris Jericho level of offense being applied here.

(ads)

Benoit tries the Sharpshooter, which, surprisingly enough, has little to do with the arm. He then goes for the head butt, also no arm. What the hell happened to the story of the match? See? Benoit has no grasp on psychology. Edge is totally schooling him. Benoit goes for the Crippler Resthold, which does involve the arm, and Edge takes advantage of this, by reminding Benoit that he shouldnít be able to do this move because his arm really hurts. Benoit crumples in a pile of pain, and Edge readies the spear. Unfortunately for Edge, however, Benoit doesnít know how to sell the arm either, and he rolls Edge up coming in. Benoit wins. Frustrated, Edge dumps Benoit onto his head on the steel stairs. J.R. goes nuts. What, did Edge do your wife?

(adsÖOh Holy Crap! A new Divaís Mag! OMG DIVA TITTIES~! I love you WWE~!~!~!~!TILDE EXCLAIMATION POINT)

Nova, Maven, and Lillian Garcia are all in the ring. Oh, man. If any situation called for Kane to run out and set everyone on fire, this is it.

Nova: Hello everyone. Iíd just like to tell you, that I should have been on Mania. I mean, what happened to my Battle Royal? I invented Wrestlemania! I invented Battle Royals!
Maven: Iím Maven!
Nova: Now weíre going to start Lillian Garcia on fire!

Hey! Itís Stone Cold Steve Austin!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?
MV: Huh?
SCSA: Not Huh. What?
MV: Ok.
SCSA: Wow. Look at this. Whoíd have thunk it? Look at us. Triple H, The Rock and Steve Austin together in the ring again.
MV: IÖuhÖno?
SCSA: What?
MV: Iím not The Rock.
SCSA: What?
MV: Not Dewayne Johnson.
SCSA: What?
MV: Iím Maven.
SCSA: What?
NV: And Iím not Triple H. Thatís why I cut my hair.
SCSA: What?
NV: Iím Nova.
SCSA: Aw, hell. Why am I in this segment with all these jobbers?

STUNNER TO MAVEN~! STUNNER TO NOVA~! STUNNER TO LILLIAN~! OMG~! AUSTIN~! AUSTIN~! AUSTIN~!

(ads)

Orton is wandering around backstage. He finds some more Kane backstage.

Kane: Dude, what the hell are you doing back here in this red corner?
Randy Orton: Oh. I thought it was pretty and shiny.
KN: I canít believe you. You sucked worse at fighting the Undertaker than I ever did. And thatís saying something.
RO: Yeah. Iíll make admittance that I was not much of a fighter against your evil twin brother the Underquacker.
KN: Man, if they gave out titles for not being able to speak intelligently, youíd be a twenty time World Champion.
RO: FALL OVER!
KN: No.
RO: I COMMAND YOU!
KN: No.
RO: THE POWER OF ORTON COMPELLS YOU!
KN: UhÖstill no.
RO: Damn. Maybe something IS wrong with my arm. Why arenít you wearing a shirt?
KN: Iím a wrestler.
RO: You donít have a match!
KN: I donít think I own any shirts anymore.

(ads)

Randy Orton v. ďDaveĒ Batista ďDavidsonĒ
For the WWE World Title

Man, weíre ALREADY in the overrun. Itís nice to see Dave getting such a strong start to his title reign. Orton spends the first few minutes of the match trying to talk Dave into falling over, but Dave isnít having any of that, because heís not dumb. He learned not to give in to peer pressure! DARE to Keep Dave from Jobbing! Dave hits a Spinebuster, Orton can hardly believe it. I mean, yeah, it was on WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton but it was still very impressive. Dave finally gets himself turned around, and he hits Orton with the OSPREY BOMB TO ORTON~! Dave wins. Itís nice to see theyíre treating Randy with the respect and admiration that he has earned with his awesome matches and promos. Dave dances around with the World Title, oblivious to the fact that heís only got a few more minutes to make a big impact with his World Title. DO SOMETHING MEMORABLE DAVE! Triple H enters the shot and makes kissy faces at the camera, blocking Dave entirely. Nooooooooo!

Next Week: Daveís limo gets stuck mysteriously in traffic, and he makes it just in time to do a run-in during th main-event interview segment with Austin and Tomko. Eric Bischoff wonders why in the hell he got a bill for Triple Hís rental of 15 rental cars, but only enough gas to get them onto the freeway. And Titties and Kane! Titties and Kane! Titties and Kane!

You know you love it! 

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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