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RAW SATIRE    
Everybody Speak in Verse, Now!   

April 19, 2005

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Molly Holly got fired, thus killing off a division that nobody cared about in the first place. Randy Orton lost his arm, but he gained a friend…no…wait…he didn’t. Hey, did Shawn Michaels just call for Judy Bagwell? What the hell? Let’s find out together…TONIGHT!
 
Before we begin, Eric Bischoff has something to say to Jim Ross.

Eric Bischoff: YOU’RE main-eventing RAW?
Jim Ross: Yes. By Gawd.
EB: How the hell did I let that slide?
JR: It happened at the end of the show last week.
EB: Damn. Guess I should start watching RAW more. Well, how about this, I’ll give 

you this bottle of Jack Daniels and you can forget your match tonight ever happened.
JR: You’ll pretty much have to give the same deal to yourself and all the fans too.
 
EB: You got it.
JR: You’re the best GM ever! BOOMER SOONER!

(Opening Credits)

Chris Benoit v. Edge (w/ That Goddamn Briefcase)

Seriously, I really can’t help but doubt that Edge has THAT many notes to carry around with him. “Cheat on Lita” “Buy new leather jacket”. That’s about it. On the other hand, I can totally understand his need to get a shirtsleeve. Edge and Benoit roll around for a little bit, hitting flawlessly executed resthold after crappily executed brawling sequence. Finally, tired of all this crap, Edge and Benoit both bail and head backstage for shakes. WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan begs them to stay and try this wrestling thing, but they’re not having any of it.

(ads)

Some Divas are standing in a line backstage.

Slutcy Keibler: I sure am glad Kane isn’t stalking anyone this week.
Josh Matthews: Totally, now we can stand in this line!
Maria Tennyson Lund: Ohmigosh, do you guys think we’ll get in trouble for taking up this WHOLE hallway by standing in it?
SK: You think too much.
JM: Yeah, lighten up, Maria.

Edge and Benoit run into them, and the Divas run off screaming.

Chris Benoit: I told you that’d be fun!
Edge: Wow, you’re right, Chris. This has been an enlightening experience. Who knew scaring women could be this much fun?
Eric Bischoff: What’s all this then? Aren’t you all feuding? Hate each other!
EG: Geez, ok, DAD! Benoit, you’re going down faster than Ashlee Simpson on a Record Exec.
Dean Malenko: Oh snap! He really tagged you there, Chris.
CB: God, shut up, Dean! Who’s side are you on anyway?
DM: You have to admit, that was a good one. Or not. Give him your best, Chris!
CB: Edge, you’re about to fold faster than…a…folding chair. When I hit you with it in the face. Because it’s pretty easy to fold those chairs. You know?
EG: Yeah…I got it. Good one.
CB: I’m the Comedian Crippler!
EB: This exchange gives me an idea! At Eric Bischoff Presents WWE RAW Presents A WWE Production of WWE RAW Backwash, it’ll be Chris Benoit v. Edge in a Last Comic Standing match for the Shirt Sleeve! Who ever zings their opponent into submission wins!
EG: Benoit’s got about as much chance of surviving as a crack baby in a dumpster.
CB: Oh yeah? Well you’ll find out what “Silent but violent” is all aboot!
DM: Uh…Chris?
CB: Shhhh…don’t interrupt this intense staredown!

Here’s Trish Stratus out to finally put the women’s division to rest. She was a good old dog, but there were no new tricks to learn. I know we all cried the day Pa took her out back and shot her in the head, and I know we don’t like dog stew, because dog stew doesn’t really do any tricks, but you’ll learn to like dog stew during DIVA SEARCH 2005~! Plus, dog stew can only lead to another awesome feud between Al Snow and the Ghost of the Big Bossman! And that’s cool.

Trish Stratus: Contrary to popular belief, I’m not here to deliver the final bullet to the women’s division.

Buh?

TS: Instead, I, who am currently suffering from a major back injury that will surely put me out of action for several weeks, am going to continue my feud with Lita who will be out of action with her knee injury for several more weeks as well in the hopes that at some point in the future we will both be healthy at the same point in time. Lita, come on out!

The crowd chats “You screwed Matt”. Thanks for the complement, but I don’t really remember that. Was I drunk? That’d explain a LOT of things, actually. Lita’s on crutches. Maybe Edge has a cripple fetish. It’d certainly explain why he was so hot for Lita in the first place. Lita’s got a mic. Well, crap.

Lita: Hahahahaha! This is great! We add nothing to the show. How we stay gainfully employed is beyond me.
Trish Stratus: Speak for yourself, asscakes. I add plenty to the show!
Lita: Like what?
TS: Watch this. Hey everybody, do you want to see me lick Lita’s privates?

The crowd pops.

TS: See that? I get the crowd all riled up. Who’s ready for some Hot Lita Action?

In Cameron, North Carolina.

Matt Hardy: I’ll tell you who! Everybody! That’s who! What a slut!
Jeff Hardy: Matt, I told you not to say things like that. Imagi doesn’t like your foul language.
MH: Well, Imagi can just blow it out his ear, can’t he?
JH: If you don’t like it, why do you keep watching the show? Matthew, my brother, escape into the Wind O’ the Wisps and wait out your 90 day clause so that you can join with me in tag teamery in TNA!
MH: You don’t understand, Jeff. I loved her! You’ve never been in love!
JH: I have too!
MH: With a woman!
JH: Oh.
MH: You were everything to me you little ho!
JH: Matthew, have you been drinking the fruits of the vine again?
MH: What’s it to you, Jeffery?
JH: Sigh…I guess it’s to be expected. Maybe some of my emoetry will cheer you up!

Black Glass
White Room
A knocking at the window
Is it from inside?
A dark place burns me,
Feelings and mystery
Is it me?
Is it you?
Or is it
2Xtreme?

MH: Go to hell.

Back in MSG….

LT: Now for something different, here’s a little more Kane!

Lita hits Trish with a crutch.

TS: Isn’t that a crutch? Not a cane?
LT: Give me a break here, not everybody can be a cunning linguist like you.

Kane materializes and discards his can of Black Cherry Implosion YJStinger.

Kane: What the hell is going on out here anyway?
TS: Kane? What do you want this week? What the hell?
LT: Honey, go back to the back. This segment has already had a random poetry run-in.
Viscera: I’M GONNA EAT YOU ALL!

The crowd loves it. Really, who doesn’t love Viscera? Not just the guts, neither, the fat guy too. Kane prevents Viscera from chowing down on Lita, but before anybody can react, he’s already got hold of Trish’s boobies and he’s off, waddling away. Kane and Lita turn to each other and shake their heads. Then, Kane suddenly turns white and collapses, the shock of a looming PPV match with friggin’ Mabel overwhelming his system.

(ads)

Back in the Viscoffice….

Viscera: …and that’s why I feel the theory of time/space relativity is a load of crap.
Trish Stratus: Interesting. Yeah. Wait…I thought you were going to eat me?
VC: Oh, I AM going to eat you, Trish!

Viscera winks at the camera.

TS: Hey, look, I don’t mean to be mean, but I’ve gotta get going. I’ve got…Diva Search girls to kill.
VC: So what, that’s it? You use me and then you leave me?
TS: Oh, come on, Mabes, it’s not like that.
VC: I thought I was gonna get to hump your leg.
TS: Okay. Maybe later.
VC: And get my stank on ya.
TS: That’s going too far.
VC: I’m the new Stanky!
TS: Ok, I think you’re great, Visc. Really I do. You’d probably be a much more caring boyfriend that that goddamn Chris Tian, but honestly, babe, I’m not for you. See I have this thing about big fat black dudes who wear trash bags. See, I made out a list.
VC: Let me see that. “People Trish Stratus will never have sex with….1) Guys named “Hank”…33) People who do nothing but post pictures of me on the Internet….211) Big fat black dudes who wear trash bags. Damn.
TS: Yeah. That pretty much eliminates you and Missy Elliot.
VC: Dammit.
TS: Better luck next time, big guy!

The Heartthrobs (William and Charles) v. William Regal and Tajiri
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Str8 from the hard knock streets of OVW come friggin’ Too Cool 2005. Now they just need a dancing fat samo…ROSEY! BAM! I swear, trade Hurricane to Velocity, and this team will TEAR IT UP ON HEAT! Lillian Garcia has trouble pronouncing things, so Tajiri hits her with the beige mist (sets ring announcers on fire) and sets her on fire. Seriously, her intro for the hottest new tag team in the history of wrestling today went something like, “And now introducing from Greentucky, Mount Virginia the Heart Breters, Steve…Jones? And A…Ar…Aradam….William Regal and Tajiri! Things aren’t looking well early for the champions when Tajiri goes nuts and starts trying to spin kick the air trying to see if their ACTUAL opponents are there and just invisible. However, they regain control and the champions take the victory, shaming the young bucks back to OVW, or at worst, Heat. Regal celebrates like he friggin’ won the World Cup (which I hear is a big deal for those guys) and even Tajiri looks at him as if to say, “Knock it off, dude.” The Heartthrobs try to get their heat back…but they really needed heat to get back in the first place, you know?

(ads)

WWE RAW Referee Never gonna stop, such a dirty mind. I always get it up for the touch f the younger kind. Mi-Mi Miiiii WOO. MMMMiiike Chioda is backstage with J.R.

WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda: Uh…Remember two weeks ago, how there was this rumor that Triple H was gonna take all the rental cars, and park them in the highway…so that Dave wouldn’t be able to show up and get any camera time?

Jim Ross: Yeah?
WWERAWRMC: Well, that happened this week.
JR: Damn. Now how will I shout, “He’s an ANIMAL BY GAWD?!”
WWERAWRMC: I don’t know. You know, I’ve delivered my contractually obligated two minutes of mic time per year, so I’m going to shuffle off to the left.

Chioda shuffles off to the left. Outside on the highway….

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Move your CARS! I’m late to the SHOW! Why aren’t you MOVING?! Are ducklings trying to cross the ROAD? Move quicker little DUCKS!

Back behind Triple H’s Door, he and Ric Flair were being in cahoots.

Triple H: Man, that was the best plan ever. I can’t believe how smart I am.
Ric Flair: That’s why you’re the champ! WOO!
HHH: Uh…Ric?
RF: Oh sorry.
HHH: You prepare for my match for me. I’m gonna go listen to some Sarah Mac and look up topless Natalie Portman pics. See you later.
RF: Oh sure. Leave the Nature Boy all alone! I can’t fend for myself! WOO! You just wait! The next person to ditch Evolution and become World Champion HAS to be me! And then I’ll take your old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN FAT BOY! WOOO!!
HHH: Uh…Naitch?
RF: Yes, Hunter?
HHH: I’m still in the room with you.
RF: Nothing, Nothing.

Muhammed Hassan and Khosrow Daivari are standing by with Todd Grisham.

Todd Grisham: Now, wait. I though the stipulation was that if Daivari won last week, you wouldn’t have to face Shawn Michaels this week.
Muhammed Hassan: Yep.
TG: And…Daivari won last week.
MH: Uh-huh.
TG: So I’m supposed to ask you, “Muhammed Hassan, this week you wrestle Shawn Michaels, how does that make you feel?”
MH: Well, Todd, let me tell you-
TG: NO! That doesn’t make any sense! It completely invalidates a perfectly valid segment of last week’s show!
MH: Yeah. So?
TG: So? SO?! AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES WHAT HAPPENS ON THIS SHOW?!
Edge: Pretty much, Toddy! I’m livin’ the highlife now, baby! Look at this briefcase!
The Voice of the Undertaker: I care.
TG: Then what the hell are you doing here? Shoo! You’re from Smackdown!
TVotU: Nah, man. We’re all here. It’s a Super Show.
TG: What’s so “Super” about it?
TVotU: Well, I’M on it for one, and for two, SHUT UP AND QUIT BREAKING KAYFABE BEFORE I CRUSH YOUR FACE IN!
EG: Woah!
MH: You really pissed him off, Todd.
KD: Can I say something?
TVotU: No.

Distraught, Todd Grisham ran to the Smackdown locker room, where he was beaten to death by Hardcore Holly.

(ads)

Shawn Michaels v. Muhammed Hassan (w/ Khosrow Daivari)

Shawn has his prance back this week. What is with the mirror armor he’s wearing lately? I mean, chaps not gaudy enough? Hell, I don’t know, maybe they’re +3 v. Italians pretending to be Arab. That’d probably be a pretty rare spell. I don’t even think it’s in my compendium. Then again, the only thing in my compendium that’s worth anything is Magic Missile. Hassan attempts a punch, but it bounces off the Mirror armor. Well…Maybe I underestimated the effect? Hassan makes his Saving Throw v. Stun, and eventually struggles Shawn out of his armor. Damn, thankfully the ladies aren’t so hard to get out of THEIR armor, you know what I mean? Huh? Huh? Not that I would know. Sigh. Man, I better get out of this segment before I’m making Saving Throws v. Nerd.

(ads)

And I’m back. Did you miss me? Sorry, I had to go post some emoetry in my blog. This match is still going? Damn. All right. Hassan pulls out his towel and starts whipping Shawn with it. Daivari jumps in and to get in on the action, and that’s a DQ. Shawn wins! Daivari and Hassan take turns choking Shawn and the crowd chants for a Savior. Who will it be? Charlie Haas? The Cardinals have voted, the white smoke has been…billowed? And the new Pope of Saving Shawn Michaels is out! Judy Bagwell (w/ Buff) slowly shuffles her way down to ringside while Shawn passes out from the lack of oxygen. Hassan and Daivari attack, but Judy, while slower, is not jobbin’ to no rookies. Big Boot! Big Boot! Double Leg Drop! Judy cups her hand to her ear as the crowd roars!

Shawn Michaels: Ahhh…ack…Cough. Hey! Jud…You’re not Judy Bagwell!
Judy Bagwell: Whatchu talkin’ about, brother? I’m as Judy Bagwell as Judy Bagwell will ever be, dude!
HBK: Then what’s with the flexing? And the boas?
JB: That’s just my in ring flair, Brother? You don’t like it? Bite it, Brother!
HBK: And the mustache?
JB: How’s your hairline?
HBK: Fair enough. Buff? I NEVER thought they’d let you in here.
Buff Bagwell: Daddy? What the hell is he talking about?
JB: Listen up, Brookester…hehe…I mean, Buffster, just read the cards I wrote for you, little dude!
BB: I am…Buff. And I am…The stuff? And the crowd can’t get enough. Hey! That rhymes!

Buff dances around and slowly makes gun fingers at the ramp while his pyro explodes.

HBK: I see you got those pec implants, and those…hair extensions?
BB: My daddy paid for those. Isn’t that right, daddy?
JB: Brooke, don’t ruin this for your dad, brother. I mean…Call me “Mom,” dude.
HBK: Do you want to cut the promo, or should I?
JB: I’ll do it. Hassan and Daivari? You two have crossed the line that most people dare not cross, brothers, you’re in the territory of Judymaniacs, dudes, and I’ll make sure your time here is short, because the millions of Judymaniacs are dying for the Judester to drop that leg and take you out, dudes! So whatchu gonna do, when these 24 inch pythons, and Shawn Michaels run wild on yooooou?!
Charlie Haas: Hey, can I ask you guys something? Seeing as I’m here for the big “Super Show” anyway.
HBK: What’s up kid?
CH: When am I GOING TO GET MY FRIGGIN’ MATCH WITH HASSAN!
HBK: Probably never
CH: DAMMIT!

Shawn, Judy and Buff leave. Shawn keeps the towel. He wants to be ready for Hitchikers, I guess.

(ads)

Larry “The Larry” Billdunderson v. Iron Chef Chris Masters
Taco Salad Battle for 43 Cents of the Iron Chef’s Own Money

God, I HATE sweeps. They always put on these stupid battles. I don’t care about this friggin’ “Iron Chef Challenge” nonsense. Give me more hot Batista stuck in traffic action!

Still on the highway….

“Dave” Batista “Davidson: There must be a lot of DUCKS! Hurry up little DUCKIES! It’s getting DARK! You guys should turn your lights ON! HELLO? Can you guys hear ME? I just do not want any ACCIDENTS! Batista says be SAFE!

Masters hands the money to WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan who runs off. Your winner in 0.:33:04, Jack Doan by theft.

(ads)

Nova is in the ring.

Nova: Hi, everybody. It’s me, and I just wanted to remind you that I invented mic time, and if I didn’t look so much like Triple H, I bet I would be getting a ton more of it.
Shelton Benjamin: I just wanted to remind everybody that there ain’t no stoppin’ me…NAH!
Chris Jericho: I wanted to remind everybody that I’m in a band! Hit it, lone guitarist!

Hey, I’m in a band called FOZZY!
Just like Andre, I have a posse!
Unfortunately it includes guys like this!
And everybody in the WWE named Chris!
Except that guy from last angle!
Fozzy rocks we love to monkey wrangle!

Now watch this match!
Watch this match!
Because you’ve got nothing better to do
Watch this match!
Or else I’m going to get fiiiired!

Inspirational.

Nova v. Shelton Benjamin
For the WWE Intercontinental Title, Maybe?

I guess Jericho and Shelton are going to fight at Backwash. Man, I hate that. Not the match idea, that’s fine. Backwash. The lone guitarist leaves. Thanks for coming out tonight! You know, this show is juuuuust enough like Heat that I hardly noticed Coach on commentary. Way to be consistent in your mediocrity! Shelton hits Nova with a bunch of moves that NOBODY else can do (suplex, punch, Stinger Splash, another, more different, suplex) and picks up the win. Jericho seems intrigued, but really he’s crying on the inside because nobody popped for FOZZY.

(ads)

Chris Tian is out with Tyson Tomko.

Chris Tian: I am out here to discuss comments made by Trish Stratus earlier tonight. She said I wasn’t a very good boyfriend. Can you believe that Tomko?
Tyson Tomko: ….
CT: What do you mean I treated her like crap? I hired your sorry ass to protect her! Some job you’re doing letting Viscera do your work for you.

Here’s Vince McMahon?! Holy CRAP! HE WALKS! When he comes to the ring, rather than slide in, this time he levitates over the ropes.

CT: Sweet Jesus, what the hell are you doing here?
Vince McMahon: YOU’RE FIIIIIIRED!
CT: OH NO! My family!!
VM: Hahahaha…Got you! Actually, I’m here to announce a big event for the WWE!
CT: The creation of the XHL, Xtreme Summer Hockey?
VM: No.
CT: We’re being preempted again for a dog show?
VM: Well, yes, but not until next year.
CT: You’re releasing Shannon Moore?
VM: Well, ye-Wait. Hush.
CT: DIVA SEARCH 2005?
VM: No. God. It’s a draft lottery. In a few weeks.
CT: Oh. Yeah. Great. Now I can be held down on Smackdown instead of RAW.
VM: Come on-
CT: Oh, and Smackdown will draft Triple H! But then trade him back within hours for Chris Masters, Nova and Tomko here!
TT: ….
CT: I don’t care if you think you could tear it up in the Cruiserweight division!
VM: That’s not really fair.
CT: Or maybe Teddy Long can get drafted and quit, and we can have ANOTHER Smackdown GM.
VM: Will giving you a World Title shot next week shut you up?
CT: Yes.
VM: Done.

(ads)

Josh Matthews is standing by with Triple H.

Josh Matthews: Josh Matthews here and I’m standing by with Triple H, and Hunter, would you say that the Pedigree is a move that needs to be more over, because it isn’t over enough already?
Triple H: Yes I would, Josh. Josh, do you even know what the Pedigree is?
JM: A double underhook piledriver, without the vertical lift that makes the Tiger Driver ‘91 a more dangerous yet more visually impressive maneuver?
HHH: Shut up.
Here’s a video package all about the PEDIGREE~! PEDIGREE TO THE ROSTER~!

J.R. walks around backstage. This SO feels like it should have some sad piano music playing behind it. Plink plink plink plinkplink plink plink plink.

(ads)

Triple H (w/ Ric Flair) v. Jim Ross

HHH beats on J.R. for twenty minutes while Flair struts around. J.R. is at like .9 Mutah. Lawler suddenly remembers that he used to be a wrestler, but he eats a PEDIGREE TO LAWLER~! Those Pedigrees aren’t made of Jello Pudding Pops, folks, you can’t eat them. I shouldn’t make fun of the poor bloody guy there. Hunter sets up the PEDIGREE TO J.R., but suddenly, Batista enters the arena, carrying 80 empty cars and a large family of ducks on his back. He throws the cars at Flair while the ducks peck at Flair’s manboobs. Flair begs off. Then Dave slides into the ring and hit’s the OSPREY BOMB TO TRIPLE H~! This is clearly the Greatest Match in the History of Our Great Sport! Jim Ross hulks up and nails HHH with the Big Splash. 1...2...3!! J.R. Wins! It’ll be Jim Ross v. Batista at Backwash!!!~! Damn, what time is it? I’m watching J.R.’s fat ass instead of Morgan Webb? What the hell am I thinking?

Next Week: The WWE, realizing that J.R. won’t sell PPVs, puts Mike Chioda in his spot. Ok, it’ll be Triple H. We’ll be LIVE VIA TAPE FROM THE UK, blokes, and you know what that means! Another Token William Regal Match! And the WWE knows what you want! More Chris Masters!

LotR Part III: Coming this Week! 

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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