Powered by LiquidWeb NEW SEARCH FEATURE! IT WORKS!
Search all of OO for news, columnists, and articles about your favorites!

 
News  -/-  Recaps  -/-  Columns  -/-  Features  -/-  Reference  -/-  Archives  -/-  Interact  -/-  Site Info
 

Donate to Online Onslaught!
CLICK HERE TO HELP KEEP OO ALIVE!
MAIN PAGE
NEWS
     Daily Onslaught
RECAPS
     RAW
     SmackDown!
     PPV
     NWA-TNA
     Heat
     Velocity
     Other 
COLUMNS
     Obtuse Angle
     RAW Satire
     The Broad
         Perspective

     Inside the Ropes
     OOld Tyme
         Rasslin' Revue
    
Circa/Dungeon 
     Title Wave
    
Crashing the
         Boards

     Deconstruction
     Smarky Awards
     Big in Japan
     Guest Columnists
     2 Out of 3 Falls
     Devil's Due
     The Ring
     The Little Things
     Timeline
    
SK Rants
    
The Mac Files
     Sq'd Circle Jerk
     TWiFW
FEATURES
     RAW vs. SD!:
         Brand Battle
 
     Cheap Heat 
     Year in Review
     Monday Wars
     Road to WM 

     Interviews
REFERENCE
     Title Histories
     Real Names
     PPV Results
     Smart Glossary
     Birthdays 
ARCHIVES 
INTERACT
     Message Boards
     Live Chat 
SITE INFO
     Contact
     OO History

If you attend a live show, or have any other news for us, just send an e-mail to this address!  We'd also love to hear from you if you've got suggestions or complaints about the site...  let us have it!

 
RAW SATIRE    
Pure Gold 

May 3, 2005

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: “Dave” Batista “Davidson” did the impossible when he kind of laid around after getting hit by Triple H’s Ultimate Pedigree. Chris Tian performed in a Rock Opera. And the Immortal Judy Bagwell returned to Pay Per View where she defeated Two Guys all by herself. Who will she beat…TONIGHT?!
 
Oh boy! Dave is Backstage with Christie Hemme.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I have seen your BOOBS!
Christie Hemme:
Hehe…Greeeeeat. Trish was right. This is getting a little old.
Batista:
I have tickets to Vegitales on ICE! Do you want to go with ME?
Christie:
Uh…no.
Batista:
Would it help if I did my Cabbage PATCH? 

Christie: You know who really likes you? Boobsy!
Batista:
I heard she had RABIES!
Christie:
Oh, that’s not true.
Batista:
Will you be my VALENTINE?
Christie:
Dave, Valentines day was months…Sigh…I guess you ARE kinda cute there, what with your orange tie and all.
Batista:
I have still got IT!
Eric Bischoff:
Hey, Dave….
Batista:
Don’t cock BLOCK!
Bischoff:
Hey, if anybody’s a cockblock, it’s not me, buddy. I was just out here to tell you about the new “Fool’s Gold” tournament, in which the winner, chosen at random by a tic-tac-toe playing chicken, will get a shot to face you at a PPV to be named later.
Batista:
That sounds STUPID! Why doesn’t Edge use his BRIEFCASE?!
Bischoff:
Hell if I know. Have a nice night!
Batista:
OSPREY BOMB TO….
Bischoff:
What? What’d I say?
Batista:
CHRISTIE!
Bischoff:
That was unexpected.
Batista:
Bitch got what she DESERVED!

(Opening Credits)

Chris Tian (w/ Tyson Tomko and the Flaming Goatee) v. Kane (w/ Lita and the Titties)
In a Goldfinger Tournament Match

As a professional wrestling fan boy, I am very much in support of pretty much anybody going out and so very blatantly swinging their titties at me like that. Thanks, Lita. You slut. I mean that in the nicest way possible. Both guy’s wives cheer them on from ringside, embarrassing the hell out of them. Tian bails to settle Tomko down, but the goatee lights him on fire. Damn. Kane bails to settle Lita down, but spends 10 minutes playing with her boobs. What is she wearing anyway? A scarf? A shirt? A shirft? Anyway, Tian and Kane get back to the hot in-ring action. Kane hits the chokeslam on Tian, Tomko, and the Goatee and picks up the victory, burying these slobs forever, thank God.

Wait…Tian is running to the back in tears, and the camera is following him rather than staying to gaze lovingly at Kane lighting Lillian Garcia on fire. Hey, it’s Triple Naitch. He’s backstage, and certainly HE has something momentous to say.

Ric Flair: WOO! Looks like Kane took your old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, Fat Boy! WOO!
Chris Tian:
Haha…Yeah. You’ve totally still got it, Naitch.
Flair:
Looks like YOU could use WOO a little less Kane!
Tian:
I said you’ve still got it! Ok? Leave me alone!
Flair:
It’s time for the Nature Boy to go Old School on your ass!
Tian:
No, Naitch. Please don’t.
Flair:

I’m MC Naitch, and I’m a hardcore freak,
You ain’t nothing but a stupid Geek!
Figure Four is the move for me,
I put it on your old lady!
Woo! Sixteen times, World Champ!
You won’t make it down the entrance ramp!
Triple H and Naitch together at last,
We’re Friends, you’re the Blossom Cast!
Woah! W-w-w-woah!

Tian: What. The. Hell. Was. That?
Marc Lloyd:
Oh! Harsh words from Chris Tian! Let’s see how the judges took it!
Theodore Long:
Dog, you’re my dog, Playa! That wasn’t you, buhleedat. You suck, Naitch. But you’re still my dog, playa!
Ivory:
I THOUGHT YOU LOOKED GREAT IN THAT HALLWAY! GOOD LIGHTING! YOU’RE THE BEST, NAITCH!
William Regal:
Bloody dreadful. Quite possibly the worst rap performance I’ve ever heard. Pack your bags, Naitch, because America is about to send you home.
Flair:
That’s why I’m the champ! WOO!
Lloyd:
Flair’s spirits are high despite the fact that the judges didn’t appreciate his…well…his flair. I swear I‘ll come up with something better next week. If you’re still on the show. But if you’d like to Vote for The Nature Boy, dial 1-866-WWE-IDOL and press 18572914293. Or just text the word “WOO” to my cell. That’s it for tonight! Thanks for joining us America! Lloyd out!

(ads)

Here’s Hassan and Daivari, who jobbed to Judy Bagwell last night. You KNOW they’re going to be pissed about that one.

Muhammed Hassan: Well, I just don’t get it. I mean, we lost to a old retired lady and Shawn Michaels last night. I mean, gee, you can pick one team to win! One, a semi-experienced pair of youngsters ready to break out, or two, a pair of old people ready to break their hips. Who do you choose?
Khosrow Daivari:
The old people?
Hassan:
Dude. What the hell are you talking about?
Daivari:
The nostalgia pop, man. People were only ordering the show to see us lose. They got their money’s worth, which means they’re more likely to spend again in the future, assuring us long and successful careers.
Hassan:
I liked you WAY better when you just shut up the whole time.
Daivari:
Well, if SOMEBODY would let me bring the magic carpet out here, maybe we never would have lost!
Hassan:
Dude, would you quite going on and on about your stupid friggin’ carpet.
Daivari:
It’s not stupid! It’s cool.
Hassan:
Oh, whatever. It’s a carpet. It isn’t even that magic!
Daivari:
Oh yeah? Well…You were adopted!

Hassan punches Daivari and leaves. Daivari cries and mumbles to himself that once he busts out the Magic Carpet, then he’ll see. Then they’ll ALL see!

(ads)

Back in the ring….

Viscera: Lillian, baby, Trish couldn’t appreciate me, but I KNOW you can. You’d love to have a big fat guy wrestle on your Heat.
Lillian Garcia:
Help me! I’m on fire!!
Viscera:
Girl, I’m going to love you so fine. Girl, I’m gonna make you dinner so bad, it’s gonna make your knees week. I’m gonna make some breadsticks, baby, breadsticks for your ass, and…
Lillian:
Somebody help me! Oh God! My shirt is melting!
Viscera:
Oh, yeah!
Nova:
No need to fear! Nova is here!
Lillian:
Crap!

Nova v. Viscera

This isn’t part of the World Title Tournament? Huh. Nova comes in fast and strong, knowing that with the ECW PPV right around the corner, there’s no way they’re not going to push him. Unfortunately for him, Viscera is fat. Nova goes for the Kryptonite Krunch and is crushed under the weight. Viscera wins! Poor Nova. It’s ok! The ECW PPV isn’t for another month yet. Surely you’ll get a push before that. After the match, Viscera eats Lillian Garcia.

(ads)

Backstage, Slutcy Keibler is trying to show Boobsy McTitsalot the Shoot Torch Talk Interview she did with Keller about the truth behind our relationship (LIES~!), but Boobsy won’t stop foaming at the mouth all over it. Eric Bischoff wanders by.

Eric Bischoff: Is that true? The thing about your ass?
Slutcy Keibler:
Totally.
Bischoff:
DAMN girl!
Slutcy:
Uh…Don’t you think we should do something about Boobsy? She’s frothing at the mouth a lot lately. At first, I thought, “Oh, that time of the month,” you know? But I just caught her gnawing on Val Venis’ leg a few minutes ago.
Bischoff:
I dunno. I guess. So what do I do? Shoot her?
Slutcy:
NO! What would we ever do without Boobsy?
Boobsy:
GRAWAFFLES!
Bischoff:
Oh yeeeeeah. You’re right. She’s key to the program. I forgot. Uh…take her to the vet then, I guess.
Slutcy:
Come on, Boobsy! We’re going on an adventure!
Boobsy:
Frrrrrrrgerrwomp?
Triple H:
What the hell was that about?
Bischoff:
Looks like we’re gonna have to put another one of the Diva Search Girls down.
Triple H:
Eric, what’s up with this ‘Race for the Gold,” thing? I thought I was already number one contender.
Bischoff:
To be honest, Hunter, a tournament was just the laziest plot device we could come up with this month. I mean, really with the ECW PPV and the draft lottery coming up, nobody really gives a crap who Batista is fighting.
HHH:
So we’re conserving the hard sell for my match until such time as when there is the least amount of distractions.
Bischoff:
Sure. You know what? That’s absolutely right.
HHH:
Brilliant!

Here’s Maria Tennyson Lund standing by with Shelton Benjamin.

Maria Tennyson Lund: Maria Tennyson Lund here, and I’m standing by with Shelton Benjamin, and Shelton, I’ve gotta ask a tough question.
Shelton Benjamin:
Ok, shoot.
Maria:
Can you be stopped right this moment?
Shelton:
Well…Uh…Maria…I can tell you that I have it on good authority that there ain’t no stopping’ me N….
Chris Jericho:
Hold on a second. I just wanted to come in here and say that I definitely would give up the Highlight Reel for an Klondike Bar.
Shelton:
You interrupted my promo time to say that?
Jericho:
What the hell were you going have to say to Maria anyway?
Shelton:
Good point.
Jericho:
God I hope I get traded to Smackdown.

Dying This Week: Skip or possibly Zip.

(ads)

DIVA SEARCH 2005~! Remember Ladies, send your pics to rawsatire@hotmail.com!

Shawn Michaels v. Shelton Benjamin
In a Bill Goldberg Tournament Match

Shawn is back to full prance after his win at Backwash. I’ve got a lot of money riding on Shelton here, because I have it on good authority that he cannot be stopped. He’s like a jumping machine. Er…if machines jumped, that is. Shelton kips up, and Shawn secretly wonders if Jesus is selling blackmarket powers backstage. While Shawn ponders this, Shelton jumps on top of his head! OH! 200 points for Shelton! Sorry, though, Mr. Benjamin, but your princess is another segment.

(ads)

Aaaand they’re still at it. Shawn goes for the elbow drop, but Shelton is standing up and on the other side of the ring. Shawn, man, there’s something to be said for structuring your match, but sometimes you’ve gotta improvise! Shawn throws a hissy fit because Benjamin is trying to show him up just like Judy Bagwell did at Backwash. Shelton attempts an apology, but Shawn hits him with the Superkick for the win, and then poses over his body. NOBODY shows Shawn Michaels up again! Blackmarket Jesus Powers and superior jumping ability or not! Dammit! All that money wasted!

Todd Grisham is standing by with Edge

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Edge. Edge, make the pain go away.
Edge:
No can do, Toddster. I’m out here because I’ve got my shirtsleeve and my briefcase and I’m really going places! But I’m still not nearly as over as I’d like to be, so I think it’s time to “work the smarts,” if you know what I mean.
Grisham:
Maybe, if I cast myself out to sea.
Edge:
Hey, all you “marks” out there, while you may think that this show needs more “Kane” and “OMG WORKRATE”~!, I think you guys are “stupid”. Also, I’m having sex with Lita.
Grisham:
Really?
Edge:
I just got off her five minutes ago.
Grisham:
No wonder you’re numb to the pain of this world.
Edge:
Don’t worry, Todd, you’ll find the right woman yet.
Stacy:
Boobsy! No!
Boobsy runs in and bites Todd’s head off.

Edge:
There. See?

Edge wanders down the hall.

Edge: Sup, ladies? Check out my shirtsleeve!
Victoria:
Oh, man! That’s so hot!
Lita: I can’t believe how dreamy you are.

Victoria: He’s way dreamier that Matt Hardy.
Lita:
Check out my boobs!

In Cameron, North Carolina….

Matt Hardy: See? They’re just rubbing it in my face now.
Jeff Hardy:
What‘s that?
Matt:
“Check out my boobs!” Come on. I BOUGHT YOU THAT SHIRFT YOU WHORE!
Jeff:
Calm, Matt. Calm. Find your spiritual center.
Matt:
Oooom…Oooom….
Rhyno:
Speaking of boobs, has anyone seen the friggin’ milk? I need some friggin’ Cookie Crisp REAL BAD!
Molly Holly:
I think the milk is in the fridge, silly.

Rhyno gores through the fridge.

Matt: I just don’t get it. Why leave me? I’m Veeeeoooooonah!
Molly:
Honestly, Matt, having lived with you for a few weeks now, you’re overbearing and annoying.
Jeff:
Plus, You built a fortress of solitude in my volcano.
Matt:
I can’t believe you people! I’m going to go post about all this in my blog.
Jeff:
I have composed a great piece of emoetry for you to post!

Roses are red,
Leaves are green,
I love Imagi,
Because I’m
2Xtreme

Molly: Jeff…Never mind. Why do I hang out with you people?

La Resistance v. Hurricane and Suga Rosey
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Yeah, that’s right. Hurricane and Rosey are the tag team champions. What the hell is with that? Were Nova and Maven busy or something? Hurricane just looks thrilled to be doing something for the first time in years. Conway looks distracted. Secretly, I think he’d rather be watching “Everybody Loves Raymond”. Only three episodes left, by Gawd! Me? It’s all E! Michael Jackson Trial Re-enactments all the time, baby. Hurricane plays Randy Orton, and Grenier falls over. Hurricane and Rosey win! IT’S A NEW DAY FOR THE TAG DIVISION!

(ads)

Happy Birthday, Maven!

Edge (w/ Shirtsleeve and Briefcase) v. Chris Jericho
In a Goose Who Laid the Golden Egg Tournament Match

Jericho promises before the match that if he loses, he’s leaving the wrestling industry forever to become professional spelunker. Oh, Chris. Of COURSE you’re not going to win. While Jericho is checking out little headlamp prices on eBay, Edge sneaks up and nails him with the briefcase. Edge wins. I question the legality of that move. After the match, Jericho announces that the first cave that he’s going to spelunk is Lita’s ass. Edge is not happy, but he hopes Jericho enjoys his ass herpes.

(ads)

Iron Chef Wresting Chris Masters v. Jeffy Robins
In a Boston Baked Beans Battle

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-San!
Kenji Fukui:
Go ahead.
Ohta:
This guy is boring the hell out of me.
Dr. Yukio Hatori:
Hahaha. I hear that. It looks like the challenger is cooking his beans in a microwave. Or something. Hell, I don’t know.
Fukui:
What are you Doctor OF anyway?
Hatori:
Little known fact: I got my doctorate in Foodology from Phoenix Online.
Fukui:
Oh.
Ohta:
Fukui-San!
Fukui:
Go ahead!
Ohta:
I just stole the Iron Chef’s Sake and I’m getting wasted!
Fukui:
You don’t say. Huh.
Random Female “Actress”:
I like the way beans feel in my mouth. Teehee.
Shoi Funaki:
INDEED!
Ohta:
Fukui-San!
Fukui:
What is it this time?
Ohta:
I’m wearing your wife’s panties!
Hatori:
That’s a strategy I haven’t seen employed before here at kitchen stadium.

Masters wins when Jeffy tries to bite into a yellow pepper and gets stabbed in the face by one of his assistants.

Triple H and Ric Flair are walking around backstage. Who will he face? Well, come on, there’s only one other semi-main event guy left. Stevie Richards!

(ads)

Chris Benoit v. Triple H (w/ Ric Flair)
In a Gold Bond Powder Tournament Match

Benoit? Ugh. Everything is going Chris’ way early, as Triple H’s power is no match for the sheer OMG WORKRATE~! of Benoit. However, when Triple H tosses Benoit out onto his head, he regains control. I guess Benoit is trying to look “concussed” there, but he’s kind of just settling for “perpetually surprised.” Like somebody just told him that Katie Holmes is dating Tom Cruise or something. I wonder what they have in common anyway? Maybe they just both really LOVE Laffy Taffy. Hey, you may think you can’t base a relationship on Laffy Taffy, but I defy you to prove me wrong!

(ads)

Hunter goes for the Ultimate Pedigree, but he hasn’t built up enough chi yet. Benoit continues to suplex despite his ever growing surprise. Maybe he’s just really surprised to be in the main event. He goes up top for the head butt, but misses, much to his surprise. Flair does a dance at ringside, vindicated that he’s not the only one who can never hit his top rope move anymore. Meanwhile, WWE RAW Referee M-m-m-m-m-Mike Chioda has decided to take a nap. Man, they should get these guys some coffee. Dave Davidson decides that this is as good a time as any to do a run-in, so he does, knocking out Flair on his way out. Triple H attempts and Ultimate Pedigree, but Dave is too quick with the OSPREY BOMB TO TRIPLE H~! Hey, why the hell did Dave change out of his suit anyway? That was a nice suit. Maybe he didn’t want to get any Triple H sweat all over it. Benoit uses this opportunity to lock in the Sharpshooter, and Dave keeps snapping the ropes in Hunter’s face. Eventually and with a heavy heart, Triple H decides to tap. Man, that’s weird. Who’s going to main event the PPV now? Edge? Charlie Haas? Dave celebrates his moral victory as Triple H cries. That’s the show.

Next Week: The Kurt Angle Home Town Gold Medal Challenge Tournament Continues. Kane and Edge argue over which which of Lita’s boobs they own while Matt Hardy cries all over his Cookie Crisp. And Superstars Line up, desperate to get drafted to Smackdown where at least they can hold down the Cruiserweights.

Until next time  and Satire. It’s all you need!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.