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RAW SATIRE    
Who's Fired Now?   

August 9, 2005

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: His handlers tell me that famed psychic and Pulitzer Prize winner Canadian Bulldog did an excellent job continuing my Iron Chef and OMEGA Storylines. He also plugged his book. Matt Hardy made a shocking return that floored the ever loving crap out of Kane. And John Cena successfully defended his title with the help of his best buddy WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton. Which Referee will be his friend…TONIGHT?!
 
Backstage before the show.

Kane: So…I don’t get it. Was I ever married to Lita?
Eric Bischoff:
Well…that’s a confusing term…”married.” I mean…you were as “married” as any of us really. You know what I mean?
Kane:
No.
Bischoff:
Let me put it to you this way…You were about as married to Lita as 

you are the pyromaniac brother of a zombie with superpowers who killed his parents and raped store mannequins and also holds a degree in dentistry and a deep love for Kevin Nash. You see?
Kane:
So I was married to Lita.
Bischoff:
No…er…maybe I’m not making myself totally clear here.
The Voice of the Undertaker:
What’s goin’ on guys?
Kane:
Brother, was I ever married to Lita?
The Voice of the Undertaker:
Um…well…you see…Yeah. Sure you were, big guy. Bitch just ran out on you. Matt Hardy is friggin’ loony. Have you ever been on his message board?
Kane:
No. Big Pimpin’ Alex scares me.
The Voice of the Undertaker:
Maybe you should take the night off.
Bischoff:
Yeah. Just go home for a while. Regroup.
Kane:
I’m not getting fired am I?
Bischoff:
Nononononononono. No. Er…No. Well…no. No. No sir. No firings for Kane. Nope. Well…maybe.

Kane walks away in tears.

The Wind: So…I heard you’re getting fired….

(Opening Credits)

Kurt Angle v. Eugene (w/ Christy Hemme)
In a Eugene Invitational Match

Eugene cuts a promo before the match where he calls out Kurt Angle for losing his amateur roots and agreeing to do stupid storylines like the one with Paisley. Then he says he wants to insert his floppies into Christy’s disk slot. Christy doesn’t know to be offended because people haven’t used floppies for years. Plus, girls don’t know anything about computers. Except Morgan Webb. I’d like to Flash her BIOS, if you know what I mean. I mean I want to install a new operating system in Morgan Webb. Like Linux. Or DOS. I loved DOS. C:> C:> LoveMatt. Eugene and Angle exchange restholds for a minute, but quickly become bored with that and start beating up WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan. That will be a common theme tonight, I fear. Maybe they’re just pissed off that Songs in the Key of Doan sold more copies than Cena’s album. After Doan has been sufficiently beaten, Angle attacks Eugene for calling him out on his lameness earlier. Just when things look bleakest for our…umm…hero(?) who is there to save him, but Hulk Hogan! The Hulkster Hulks up and points at Angle, who leaves because he wants nothing to do with a feud with Hogan. When he comes to, Eugene looks up and gazes upon the Internet Anti-Christ, and falls to his knees praying to Benoit and Meltzer to provide him with the strength to survive. Hogan poses while Eugene crumbles into a corner mumbling something about a goblin.

(ads)

Shelton Benjamin v. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
In a Beer Battered Cod Battle

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-San!
Kenji Fukui:
Go ahead!
Ohta:
You’d think the Iron Chef would be the more confident one in this battle, but the challenger says there ain’t no stoppin’ him…NAH!
Dr. Yukio Hatori:
Too bad he’s a big jobber now because he can’t cut a promo.
Fukui:
What?
Hatori:
I said that the Cod came fresh from the Kyoto fish market this morning.
Fukui:
All right. And joining us this week’s special guest actor and comedian Stone Cold Steve Austin. Mr. Austin, do you like cod?
Ohta:
Fukui-San!
Fukui:
Go ahead!
Ohta:
Mr. Austin is running amok down here! He keeps bashing the cod together and squeezing their juices into his mouth! It’s pandemonium! STUNNER! STUNNER! STUNNER TO BENJAMIN! Austin hit the challenger with the Stunner By Gawd! Shelton Benjamin is broken in half!
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
What?
Sean Cold Val Venis:
What?
Fortune Teller Judge:
I predict another win for the Iron Chef!
Hatori:
Great. Nice foresight there, lady.
Fukui:
Well, looks like the Iron Chef has won again! Join us next week when we find out who will reign supreme!

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with the Bischoffice Door….

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m…Oh hell. The Door Interview again? This is ridiculous. I’m not interviewing a friggin’ door.
Bischoffice Door:
Hey, suit yourself.
Kurt Angle:
What are we doing over here? Talking to doors? I’m down with that.
Grisham:
Kurt, is it wrong to look around at how laughably terrible your company is and want to stab yourself in the face with a spork?
Angle:
I don’t know does this have anything to do with me having to feud with friggin’ Eugene at Summerslam? How terrible is that?!
Grisham:
You haven’t had to cover the Matt/Lita/Kane/Edge thing.
Angle:
Whatever, dude. Are you going to interview me or not?
Grisham:
How’s being stranded on RAW treating you?
Angle:
I’m lovin’ it.
Grisham:
Which, the horrible horrible wrestling? Or the shoddily put together angles?
Angle:
Yeah. I’m…lovin’ it.
Grisham:
Are you shilling for McDonalds?
Angle:
Hey, they told me if I said it three times, I’d get a burger the size of Mayor McCheese.
Grisham:
How pathetic.
Angle:
Pathetic? No way! I’m lovin’ it.

A giant burger appears out of thin air, hanging above their heads.

Angle: Woah! It worked! Now I’ve just got to figure out a way to say, “I’d hit it!” three more times for the fries.
Grisham:
Let’s…not go there.
Angle:
What, you’re not down with the K to the A? Let me tell you something, Toddster, you may think Lita’s a whore, but Lord knows, “I’d hit it!”
Grisham:
I’m doing this to save you! HARA-KIRI!

Grisham ingests the entire Mayor McCheeseburger and dies of a heart attack.

(ads)

Maria Tennyson Lund is standing by with Gay Biker, Rob Conway.

Maria Tennyson Lund: Maria Tennyson Lund here, and I’m standing by with Rob Conway, and Rob, my sources say that I’ve got to ask you, what the heck are you doing on RAW?
Gay Biker, Rob Conway:
Wait…this is RAW? Woah…They must have run out of ideas for things to put on the show! Conway wins!
Maria:
What’s up with the gay biker look anyway?
Rob Conway:
Let’s just say that: Rob Conway is the Stuff, and the crowd can’t get enough! HAHAHAHA!
Maria:
That doesn’t even rhyme right.
Rob Conway:
It was either that or “Conway is Gay, what more can we say?”
Maria:
So you’re planning on driving WCW out of business again?
Viscera:
What’s up, guys? It’s me! Viscera. Is this where we cut our exciting Heat Promos?
Rob Conway:
Dude! This is RAW! Can you believe it? I’m cutting a promo on RAW!
Viscera:
Daaaamn. Is this a good time to pimp my new finisher Visagra? Or the fact that I’m going to be reading excerpts from Tuesdays With Maurie next week at the Montreal Barnes and Noble?
Maria:
Not really, no.

Elsewhere, Edge and Lita are standing by….

Edge: I’ve been hearing a lot of things. Crazy things! Like that Matt Hardy is coming back to the WWE. Well, all I have to say about that, folks, is don’t believe everything you read on the Internet! It’s a web of lies!
Lita:
Actually, he’s been back for, like a whole week now.
Edge:
Oh, really? Well, what did he have to say?
Lita:
It was really weird. It was like…he exposed our whole lives as shams. I don’t even know why I’m wearing this neck brace. I’m not hurt. Whose storyline am I supposed to protect? Matt’s? Kanes? I mean, my whole world is out of proportion now. Did you know my name isn’t even really “Lita” at all? It’s Amy.
Edge:
That’s pretty boring.
Lita:
I know! And you? You’re “Adam.”
Edge:
Now wait a minute! No I’m not! I’m Edge! I always have been Edge and I always WILL be Edge.
Lita:
Oh yeah? Think about this: What were you doing before 1998?
Edge:
That’s easy I wa…woah…my head got all swimmy there for a second.
Lita:
I know, right? I vaguely remember some kind of Miss Congeniality thing, and that’s it.
Edge:
You’re Sandra Bullock?
Lita:
I don’t think so.
Edge:
Well, the important thing is that we’re here now. Edge and Lita. Together. You’re with a Main Eventer!
Lita:
Oh? What exactly is it you main event, “Edge?” Heat?
Camera Guy:
Oh! Tag!
Edge:
Shut up! I am too a Main Eventer! I’ve got this briefcase and everything! Nobody can hold me down!
Lita:
Uh-huh. Riiiight. Whatever Adam. I’m going to go try to get this neck brace off!
The Voice of the Undertaker:
Don’t do it! It will unleash a continuity vortex that will destroy the WWE forever! Then what will we be left with? Women’s Extreme Wrestling?
Lita:
You’re right. I shouldn’t destroy the WWE forever.
Voice of the Undertaker:
Ah, hell. Do it. This whole thing is messed up beyond repair anyway.

(ads)

(ads)

Viscera v. Gay Biker, Rob Conway

The Lyrics to Conway’s theme for those of you who asked:

And now, Heat is here,
And so I face the curtain jerker,
Like to Goldberg and the Spear,
I'll lose my match, I’m pretty certain.
At least the card is full,
I’ll take my rental on the highway,
I‘m not much more than this, I’m just Rob Coooonway!

Pushes, I’ve had a few.
But then again, so did Syvain.
I did what I had to do, and jobbed to every foe you care to mention.
I sold each and every move, even the crappy ones thrown my way.
I‘m not much more than this, I’m just Rob Coooonway!

Yes, there were titles, Tag team gold, a few,
But in the end it left me feeling blue,
I went through it all, contract status in doubt,
I watched everybody get written out!
Then I put on leather and remade Cooooonway!

I've waved, I've done crap, and sympathized
I've had my wins, my share of losing.
And now, I’m a Gay Biker, not of my choosing.
Think I put up with all that
I hoped it would go away,
"Oh, no no no, We love Rob Coooooonway!"

What did I do to deserve this lot?
I worked OVW and earned my spot!
Through boring spiels, La Resistance spun its wheels
All the B-Shows, I should’ve bought some blow for Rob Cooooonway!!
Who’s got blow for Rob Coooooonway?

Expect a remixed version from Limp Bizkit in time for Mania. Conway wins, for whatever that’s worth. Lillian doesn’t mind Viscera now, I guess. What she really needs is some more Kane to combust her panties. And the rest of her.

I wish I could get drunk and share some blow with Conway. Come on up before you swing into Canada, Rob. Here’s a Heat rewind…Heat? I’m supposed to watch Heat now? Crap!

The Hurricane, Suga Rosey, and Slutcy Keibler v. The Hearthrobs and Victoria

Is Victoria only with the Hearthrobs because they all love to dance? Hurricane and Rosey are still tag champs?! That’s hilarious! You gotta admit though, it’s way better than Animal and Hnnrnnr. At least Animal has his drumming career to fall back on. Well, that and Johnny Ace. Hurricane is wearing some really distracting blue pants. Isn’t he supposed to be green? I think maybe he’s just trying to draw Rosey’s attention away from the fact that football season is here, and the time to floatify has arrived again. The Hearthrobs win after Victoria successfully distracts everyone by still being part of the company.

(ads)

It’s time for the Highlights Reel!

Goofus: I’m going to cheat to win the WWE title!
Gallant:
I say! I don’t approve of that methodology!

Oh wait…sorry…This is the Highlight Reel. Sorry. Quick, see how many things you can find wrong in the crowd!

Chris Jericho: My guest tonight is…Eric Bischoff? Great.
Eric Bischoff:
How’s it going, Chris?
Jericho:
Do you think the people are taking me seriously as a Main Eventer, Eric?
Bischoff:
About as seriously as Edge.
Jericho:
Great. Just great.
Bischoff:
Well, we can’t all be JBL can we?
Jericho:
Here’s some music to fill time.

(Music fills the arena, calming the crowd)

Bischoff: In any event, to further your mid-card status, I’m going to book you against a referee this week.

Jericho: Oh great. Which one? Friggin’ Chioda?
Bischoff:
Nope. WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton!
Jericho:
Patton?! AWESOME! Match of the Year!

(ads)

WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton v. Chris Jericho
With Special Guest Referee Eric Bischoff

You know what? If Cena/Patton was the main event of SummerSlam? I’d be there. I would support that main event 120%. Patton and Jericho trade arm bars to start. Patton with the arm drag takedown. Jericho counters with some Mat wrestling. Backslide attempt by Patton, but Jericho bridges out. Indy Appreciation clap. Jericho floats around and tries for the back suplex, but Patton lands on his feet. German on Jericho. Punch, punch, punch, punch, Jericho’s in the corner reeling now. Patton goes up for the Missle Drop Kick, but Jericho meets him halfway with a dropkick of his own. Bischoff’s count is 8 before both men struggle to their feet. Neckbreaker on Patton. Lionsault attempt blocked with a knee. Patton kips up and goes up top for the 450 Splash, but the move has been banned, so Bischoff orders him down. When Patton gets back to the ground to try a standing moonsault, Jericho rolls him up, Patton rolls through, but Jericho pulls him over with the tights. In plain sight, 1...2...3. (Winner: Chris Jericho, 10:21 ---> Tights Pull Pin). Bischoff and Jericho put the boots to Patton. Carlito comes out to spit at him. Cena comes running out to make the save. F-U to Carlito. Cena and Patton celebrate in the ring while the heels lick their wounds back up the ramp. (**** Patton was excellent as always, but a sub par Jericho performance plus a lame duck finish kept this one from being *****)

(ads)

Backstage, Jericho and Bischoff complain to noone in particular that the match rating I gave was unfair. Hey, there’s always next month.

DIVA SEARCH 2005~!

Coach says that, unfortunately, this week Krystal has been cut. I guess she can no longer “Come on Down”. Christy purrs, “Smurf your ass on out of here, lady.” This week, the ladies react to getting hit in the face by a pie. Let’s hope they don’t sit on it. I can only take so many hungry asses.

Ashley: Oh! I’m so mad right now! I’m so filled with punk rage that I’m going to go post about this in my live journal. UnicornskittensPLUR.livejournal.com! Furthermore, I’d like to give out Rick Scaia’s phone number. Feel free to give him a call! (Christie’s Reaction: Looks like your ass wasn’t hungry enough to do good!)

Leyla: Despite the fact that I am wearing a bikini, I’d like you all to pretend I’m naked ple…wait…is that shaving cream? I LOVE SHAVING CREAM! I used to eat this stuff by the can when I was a kid! Excuse me. Narf narf narf (Christie’s Reaction: Narf isn’t a real word!)

Elisabeth: Elisabeth says nothing. She just stares down the camera and shaves her stubble with the shaving cream. Christie’s Reaction: That was tense!

(ads)

Matt Hardy v. Abe Orton

Awesome choice for his first match back. Here’s the history of this match: Matt Hardy once saved Lita from being the oppressed girlfriend of Los Super Astro Esse Rios. He then protected her from the advances of suitors like Elisabeth from the Diva Search and Dominic Myserio’s Father. Then they started dating, and they dated for the better part of both their careers, which took a steep slide when Matt started fighting Zach Gowen and Lita got DDTed by The Invisible Woman, which made for a messy lawsuit because as Sue told the Insurance company, “You can’t see ME!” Anyway, Lita got tired of Matt’s constant whining about how cool he used to be, and put herself up as a prize in his feud with Kane. Kane won the match, and the Lita, and he raped her and the people rejoiced (yay!). The result of their tryst, they learned from a visitor from the future, was X-Pac who would then return to the past to get revenge on his father by sleeping with his ex-girlfriend Tori. “Great Scot“ they thought, “We cannot foist this thing on the world!” So while Kane pondered this news and cooked dinner inside his Lita-shaped real doll, Lita went out and hired a “problem solver” from the same agency as former flame Chris Tian. Abe Orton burst onto the scene, and with one swift chairshot, was able to end the scourge of X-Pac forever (though many claim sightings of a strange X-Pac like creature lurking around Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida begging for change). Kane’s overreaction to his loss of his son drove Lita to flee back into the arms of her ex-boyfriend Matt. Matt, however, had gone completely and totally bonkers, and kept asking Lita if she’d like to play Triominos with him and Big Pimpin’ Alex. Lita refuses, and wound up in the bed of the only man she knew to be more vapid than her, Edge. Edge, whose aborted catchphrase “Can a girl get a salad?” endeared him to Lita’s animal loving sensibilities, seemed to be on the fast track to somewhere, which neither Matt nor Kane could provide her. Alas, she had to publically remain with Kane for one year as the stipulations of the Lawsuit with Sue Storm had provided (Lita could only collect the insurance claim if she or a spouse was gainfully employed for the full first year of the collection period, at which time Lita was still injured and on maternal mourning leave, and thus Kane was the only one collecting a full-time paycheck). Upon completion of that year, Lita separated from Kane, and informed Matt that she would no longer be seeing him, because he was a big fat whiner. Vince McMahon, in turn, fired Matt because without Lita, he was pretty much worthless. Matt immediately took this news to his message boards, where droves of overweight 15 year old girls (and Big Pimpin’ Alex) offered to fly to Cameron, North Carolina to have sex with him. Devastated, Kane took to weekly battles with the man he thought had stolen his wife (even though he’d originally lost her back to Matt, unknowingly, because Lita was a hard partier who was out late every night anyway). Matt got crazier and crazier forming The Matt Hardy Show and counting down the days before he could work crappy Indy shows and Ring of Honor (where good wrestlers go to die), and blaming everything on Internet Darling Johnny Ace, who had nothing to do with any of this. Edge meanwhile, continued his now public and increasingly boring love affair with Lita, until one day, Matt Hardy decided that his craziness wasn’t crazy enough, so he decided to show up and punch Edge while delivering live updates to his website. Everyone, well, everyone but Kane, Edge, and Lita, agreed that this was the stupidest thing they’d ever heard of, so Matt was hired on as a WWE writer (under the pseudonym Max Hearty). However, this was not enough for Vince McMahon, and soon, Matt was back on TV to deliver a “shoot promo” to rival those of Eugene and Shawn Michaels, in which Matt admitted to clubbing seals while with animal lover Lita. This is widely regarded to be the best promo not featuring the words “Suck It,” “Slap nuts” or “ass pirate” ever. Meanwhile, Kane failed to kidnap Lita during a match with Edge. Also, at some point Abe Orton began working for Edge and Lita full time, with the agreement that he be allowed to lick Lita’s man jaw once per month. Which brings us to this match, which Matt wins in 15 seconds, by blowing a Twist of Fate off the bottom rope. Welcome back. Edge runs out to attack, but then he’s not sure if he really should attack, because while Edge would do it in a heartbeat, he’s not sure what “Adam” would do in this situation. OVW Referee Chris Kay comes out for moral support.

(ads)

Matt Hardy is wandering around backstage with police. I think they’re all lost.

Smackdown Rebound:

Eddie Guerrero: ¡Dominic! ¡Soy su papi!
Dominic Mysterio:
¡No, de que no es verdad! ¡Eso es imposible!
Eddie:
¡Busque sus sensaciones que usted lo sabe para ser verdad!
Dominic:
¡No!
Eddie:
Usted puede destruir El Director General. Él ha previsto esto. Es su destino. Ensámbleme, y juntos podemos gobernar la galaxia como padre e hijo. Venido con mí. Es la única manera
Dominic:
¡Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

John Cena has a new rap video. I won’t transcribe it for you this week because I’ve already done one big musical number. Remind me next week. Oh yeah, and Trademarc can shut the hell up.

Shawn Michaels bumps into Matt Hardy, but they are unable to help each other with directions.

(ads)

Jerry Lawler will moderate this debate between Hulk Hogan and Shawn Michaels. Let’s get started!

Jerry Lawler: Question one, Shawn, do you like…PUPPIES?
Shawn Michaels:
King, I’m going to ignore that question. Hulkster, quite frankly, I don’t want to wrestle against you at SummerSlam. Now that I’ve had a few weeks to reflect, I think your sorry ass might be the only person I’m never going to be physically able to carry to a good match. I mean, think about that for a second. Sid was a better opponent than you. Friggin’ SID! But in the end, all that really matters is the buyrate, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let Austin have the first crack at that.
Lawler:
That sounds like a yes! Woohoo! Hulk? Your response.
Hulk Hogan:
Brother, let me tell you something, dude. You don’t need to have a good match to tear down the house, brother. Look at Hogan v. Andre, dude! Or the Yappappi Indian Strap match between the Hulkster and Ric Flair, brother!
HBK:
Listen to yourself! How out of touch with reality are you? We’re selling the whole PPV on this one match that is pretty much guaranteed to suck, and all you can do is cut the same lame ass promo that you’ve been cutting since 1986. Come on, Hulk! Get edgy! And by that I don’t mean cut a promo like Edge. God no. But come on, man. Shoot on me or something.
Hogan:
Brother, I don’t need to change my promo cutting, dude! Because this is a shoot, brother, I’m out here for the Hulkamaniacs, dude. I’ve never let them down, brother!
HBK:
Oh yeah? Dare I suggest that you left them when you formed the nWo?
Hogan:
Don’t you mess with me, brother, I’ll screw you worse than Bret Hart on a Sunday, Brother! You’re just jealous because of my awesome career, dude!
HBK:
Awesome career? You’ve been riding the wave of the friggin’ Andre the Giant match for 20 years! In the interim you’ve had exactly one good match, that being with friggin’ Warrior of all people, and that was only good because the variables sucked so bad there’s no way it could not have been.
Hogan:
And what have you done, brother? Skirted by on ability and charisma, dude. You had so many great matches, but you had them all when nobody was watching, brother! At least when Hulk Hogan was wrestling, people actually bothered to show up, dude.
HBK:
Bothered to show up and boo your ass for being so awful.
Hogan:
Well, brother, what’s worse, dude? Hate or apathy, brother?
HBK:
Man, I’m going to kick you so hard Brooke is going to feel it when I’m having sex with her.
Hogan:
Whatchu gonna do when Hulkamania and his millions of Hulkamaniacs run wild on YOU?!
Lawler:
Did somebody say Brooke Hogan? PUPPIES! WOO!

Shawn Superkicks Lawler. He and Hogan have a staredown. Shawn tries loading up another Superkick, but Hogan hulks up. They both bail for the big post debate staredown. Who will win?!

Next Week: Experiment: Carry Hogan begins when Kurt Angle gives it another shot. Plus, John Cena and Chris Jericho have a hoedown. And we’re in Montreal…wait a minute…Montreal…? Uh-oh.

 

OMEGA SUPER INDY SHOW II
The Bigger They Are The Harder They Brawl

Jim Cornette: I’m here with Ivory, and Ivory we’ve got a jam packed show for you!
Ivory:
YOU SURE ARE CREEPY!
SeVen
starts giggling and Cornette leaves to go slap him around with a tennis racket. Let’s get on with our first match.

Matt Morgan/Maven v. The Dudley Boyz
For the Omega Tag Team Titles, with special guest referee Dawn Marie

This is a continuation of the classic Morgan/Dudleyz feud over Bubba’s old stuttering gimmick. The Dudleyz put Dawn through a table to start. That can’t be good for the baby. Morgan tags in Maven, who is a house of Dropkicks. The crowd goes nuts because everybody loves an Indy Spotfest. D-Von starts to set up Morgan for the 3-D, when suddenly Bubba starts stuttering when he’s trying to call for it. D-Von looks on in Disbelief, which provides Morgan just the opportunity he needs to hit the 720 Splash on Bubba for Dawn’s woozy three count.

Backstage, Marc Loyd is with Marty Jannetty….

Marc Loyd: Quit following me around! I told you, I don’t have any money!

Marty Jannetty: Hey! I’m good for it! Just float me a loan until the WWE takes me back!
Loyd: Dude, come on. They’re not taking me back.

Jannetty:
Ten bucks. Come on.

Mark Jindrak v. Kenzo Suzuki
For the OMEGA Pure Wrestling Title With Guest Referee Spike Dudley

Spike is PISSED! Everybody knows he is a better pure wrestler than Jindrak. Jindrak throws some left hands. Left Left Left. Kenzo hits a closeline. Jindrak kips up. Indy appreciation clap. Kenzo works the arm, but Jindrak blocks an arm drag attempt. German suplex on Kenzo. However, Jindrak is distracted when he thinks he sees Randy Orton in the crowd. Unfortunately, it’s actually just Akio selling peanuts, but in the meantime, Kenzo hits him with a Shining Wizard and then a 840 Splash to retain.

Tough Enough Jessie is with Rhino.

Rhino: I’m in TNA! Or at least I think I am! The friggin’ Internet doesn’t work on my friggin’ laptop! I WANNA GORE SOMETHING!
Tough Enough Jessie:
You’re scary!
Rhino:
Maybe I’ll gore you!

Tough Enough Jessie:
WAAAAH!

Billy Kidman v. Charlie Haas
With Special Guest Referee Miss Jackie

Kidman weeps when he sees Jackie and Haas conspiring, because he never gets to conspire with Torrie anymore. Joy Giovanni comes out to try to cheer him up, but she’s just not blonde or naked enough to care. The Indy crowd is getting restless as nobody has attempted a high risk move all match, so Haas goes up top and hits a 922 Corkscrew Moonsault, accidently knocking the crap out of Miss Jackie. The crowd pops. Gangrel comes out in a striped poofy shirt and spits blood all over everybody. Disgusted, Kidman and Haas agree to disagree. They shake hands which gets a huge pop. CODE OF HONOUR!

Molly Holly: I’d really like everybody to buy my DVD. It’s going to be packed with lots of minutes of me sheepishly answering all sorts of questions before politely asking to move on to the next topic.
Will O’ The Wisp:
Any hardcore sex?
Molly:
No! Jeff! How dare you?!
Will O’ The Wisp:
Who’s “Jeff” I’m Will O’ The Wisp and I live by my rules, nobody elses!

Molly:
I really do hate you.
Will O’ The Wisp:
I’ve gotta get ready for my match. Here’s a poem I wrote for you.

Molly Holly made a DVD
Won’t you watch it with me?
It’s called Shootin’ the She Crap
I hope that it won’t be crap.
I can’t wait for the scene,
Where she is very mean,
To the WWE,
The company that fired me.
Will the DVD be very keen?
Or will it be
2Xtreme?

Molly: Mind if I use that as a media quote for the back cover?

Will O’ The Wisp and Kane v. Shannon Moore and Dave Hebner

Earl is the referee. He may be biased, but Will’s got a secret weapon! KANE~! Who Commissioner The Wind signed earlier tonight after a consultation with OMEGA CEO Imagi. Kane is very confused because he’s not sure if he’s even fired or not. Kane goes up top to attempt the 1024 Shooting Star Press, when suddenly the lights go out, which given that OMEGA is held outside by the Volcano, is pretty impressive. When they come back on, Will O’ The Wisp lies in the middle of the ring dead. Panic ensues. Kane lifts his fallen partner only to reveal that he’s actually JEFF HARDY! Shannon pulls Jeff out of Kane’s hands in the confusion and makes the cover. Shannon and Dave win! A mob storms the Hardy Manor, laying waste to all in their path. Rhino gores the crowd in an attempt to control them, but he only makes things worse. What will happen? How will OMEGA Survive?

WHO KILLED JEFF HARDY?!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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