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God Bless the USA Network  

September 27, 2005

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: It was WiffleMania as The Chain Gang beat Some Other Guys. Vince McMahon came out and announced that TNA would be WWE’s Homecoming Opponent this year, geez, way to make a powder puff schedule. Plus, Spike TV finally started their long slow death. Who will die…TONIGHT?!
(Opening Credits…Sniff…I’m gonna miss you guys.)

And heeeeeeeeeeeere’s Vince. I’m really looking forward to seeing him on Spike next week. Thank God the WWE’s relationship with the Viacom networks is strong and healthy, and will be for years to come. Oh. Wait. What?

Vince McMahon: Now, I know this is a time of great uncertainty and doubt for our fans and our federation. This is a difficult transitory period for all of us, I assure you, and I only hope you stay with us through out. Yes, I know the move of Heat and Velocity will be hard, but…uh…nobody was watching them anyway. Think of it this way, folks, less Steve Romero! Yay!

Oooooh…right. There’s this whole thing with RAW moving. Look, folks, I’d love to say that all this time on Spike has been great to us, what with their “Slammin’ Saturday Nights” and getting rid of ECW, and changing the name twice, and letting us run all the rape and ball shocking angles we wanted. But I can’t. Mostly because they never let me go on that poker show and hit on Howard Stern’s girlfriend. Yeah…that’s pretty much the only reason we’re leaving. At least they let me go punt the loser dogs over on (…)! That’s right! I said it! I’m a rebel, dammit! Next week, RAW is going to be on (…) and we’re going to get preempted for the U.S. Open! Why? Because we’re going to be on (…) Mondays after Nash Bridges! (…)!

Paul Heyman: No, no, no. That’s not how you get back at this network for shafting you, stupid. What you do is you get a promo tape all loaded up, and you start screaming about how things aren’t fair and how much you hate Vince McMahon and…uh…hehehe…roll that footage!

Joey Styles is standing by with Paul Heyman….

Joey Styles: OH MY GOD!
Paul Heyman:
Whatever happened to Rollerjam? Or Rock ‘N Bowl? Huh?! You take US off to put WWE on, and now, WWE’s leaving? YOU KILLED ECW, GODDAMMIT! I mean, come on. What the hell was wrong with you people?! Now, WWE’s going back to (…)
SpikeTV Crawler:
This message has been edited for content by SpikeTV. Truth is, we never liked Paul. But he made a mean Mint Julip. Whooboy! But now that we’re a fancy pants network that was never from Nashville no never mind, we don’t care about such Southern Hospitality! As for the WWE? Well they can go suck on a lemon as far is we’re concerned.

Back in the arena….

Vince McMahon: That didn’t get my point across at all!
Paul Heyman:
I know. I’m sorry. Oh well, back to OVW for me.
Hacksaw Jim Duggan:
You look like you could use somebody to help you out, Tough Guy!
Sergeant Slaughter:
Yeah! Straighten up you, maggot! What’s the problem?
I can’t say (…). They won’t let me!
(…)? We’re experts at that! HOOOOO!
Leave it to us! Go Joe!

A giant American Flag drops in front of the entrance ramp and Duggan and Slaughter stomp around the ring.

Crowd: (…)! (…)! (…)!
Ugh! This is so frustrating! Now they’re going to tune in to Spike next week and watch a bunch of nobodies roll around for three hours!
Dave Meltzer:
Just what I wanted all along! Mwhahahahahaha!
Kurt Angle:
I’ll help Mr. McMahon. Because, the network we’re going to be on next week is the same as the country for which I won my Olympic Gold Medals. That’s right, the good old (…)!
I didn’t even know (…) had an Olympic team.
It’s not working! Crowd, you know what I’m talking about!
You Suck! You Suck! You Suck!
Shawn Michaels:
For the love of Pacific Blue, you guys, you’re not going be able to get it out. Why don’t you just say, “Check your local listings” or “We’re gonna be on where we used to be on.” You people are such idiots.
Nobody mocks me! Sir, I challenge you to a match!
A number one contenders Iron Man Match! We’ve got three hours to kill, what do you say, Shawn?
An hour? I dunno, man.
Make it a half hour!
Wouldn’t that just be a “Match.”
Rubber Man Match!
Whatever. Geez, I’m sick of this Homecoming show already!

Trish Stratus and Ashley Massaro are out.

Trish Stratus: What about us?! Where’s OUR Iron Man Match for #1 Contenders for the WWE Title Match?
Uh…Taboo Tuesday.
Ashley Massaro:
YES! 60 Minutes of Massaro.
On second though. Make that never.


Trish Stratus (w/ Ashley Massaro) v. Victoria (w/ Boobsie McTitsalot and Torrie Wilson)

Bitch already brought Wookles, the RAW Satire Poodle back to the pound I see. Terrible waste. Your referee? Why, OVW Women’s Referee Chris Kay! What kind of marathon is Torrie training for anyway? Running away from sandwiches? Trish or Victoria controls the tempo for most of the match, before switching off to the other one. Trish nails the Canadian Bulldog, but before she can get the pin, Torrie and Boobsie break it up. Boobsie gets caught, however, and stripped to her bra and panties. Boobsie can’t believe it. I can’t not believe it.

Boobsie McTitsalot: I cannot believe it! Stripping me down to my boobs! Almost 27.5% of my boobs are showing! I challenge you both to boobs! Next week! The boobs are on me!
Torrie Wilson:
What the hell are you talking about, girl. What you have on is like friggin’ parka compared to me.
And me.
DO NOT INCUR THE WRATH OF BOOBS! You, boobs! You don’t know the meaning of humiliation! Or boobs!
Don’t know the meaning of humiliation? Uh…Duh…I won the Diva Search!

Big Show is high fiving random backstage personnel. Dude must REALLY love his job to be doing that.

Big Show: Holy crap! Harvey Whippleman?! What the hell are you doing here?! Omigosh! I’m, like your biggest fan.
Harvey Whippleman:
Oh, they didn’t have a spot for me next week, so I’m making a backstage cameo this week.
Would you sign my shoddily grown beard?!
Sure. I do this a lot.
Hey guys! I’m making my cameo in this same segment.

Whippleman and Jamison brawl off screen.

But…my beard!


Big Show v. Abe Orton
In a Hardcore Match

This match is sponsored by “Oops, Triple H Broke the Show” Graphics. They’ve had them standing by all this time, I guess. TIME TO USE THEM! It’s now or never, really. Show starts things off by punching a chair into Abe’s face. I’m going to miss the Spike bumpers the most. You’re right, Mr. TV, I don’t need to check my e-mail one last time. Nobody ever e-mails me anyway. Big Show hits Abe with a wax statue of Andy Rooney. That’s going to be enough for the win, I think. Yep.

Maria Tennyson Lund is standing by with Ric Flair. Wait. No. She’s making out with Ric Flair. My bad.


Want to hear two hours of rambling promos and watch six mind numbingly boring matches? Then have I got the DVD for you! Total Destrucity: An Ultimate Warrior’s Story the true story about the rise and fall of Chris Benoit.

Mr. Flair is on the stage.

Ric Flair: WOO! After all the time spent over the last few weeks, it’s that time, once again for me to fade into simpering, inane, senile obscurity! That’s right! WOO! Because Triple, WOO BY GOD, H is coming back! And while I might not be taking his old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, fat boy, I am going to be there, by his side, to ensure that he gets a mixed WOO response that will make the WWE think that fans still want to cheer him. WOOO! That’s why he’s the champ!

Back in the Bischoffice, a phone call is taken.

Eric Bischoff: Yellow? Yeah. Hi. No, no. I don’t think we’ll be needing you, DDP. Yeah, we’re totally overbooked here. We’ve got…uh…all the big stars coming in. Yeah. Sean Mooney, Bastion BoogerTyphoon? Sorry. Uh-huh. I’ll tell you what. Show up anyway. Maybe we can have you Diamond Cutter Lanny Poffo or something.
John Cena:
I’m gonna have to let you go.
What in the hell could you possibly want.

I heard that you’re Karate Kid,
Thinkin’ you know Kung Fu,
But you don’t recognize real,
Like the Chain Gang do!

I’m John Cena, WWE Champ,
And I’m gonna kick your ass,
You can’t see me!
My moves is just too fast!

So man up, because next week,
I’m taking your brassiere,
At WWE Homecoming know,

Bischoff: Wow. That was worse than usual even. Congrats.

Cena then grabs the cell phone and drops it on the ground.

Bischoff: Oh no! A mild inconvenience!


I wish a ladder would appear in the ring.

Shelton Benjamin v. Gay Gobbledygooker (w/ Gene Oakerlund, Jr.)

Gooker’s finally got somebody to tumble with! Shelton has the mic. No, no, no, no, no!

Shelton Benjamin: It doesn’t matter if you’re Chavo Guerrero or Gay Gobbledygooker, you’ll always need somebody to break your eggs!

Sadly, that’s Shelton’s best promo to date. There ain’t no stoppin’ him…NAH! Jonathan Coachman notes that he envies Gooker’s rise from Hispanic superstar to gay chicken. Poor Coach is stuck being the only black guy left on this show. Oh. Hey, look! Shelton Benjamin! Isn’t he supposed to be on Heat? Gooker wins after Gene Jr. hit Shelton with a hamburger. After the match, they do tumbles over Shelton’s prone body. Just think, Shelton, next week, you’ll be on the Internet where EVERYBODY loves you!

Hey, a mysterious ladder just appeared in the ring! Awesome! Now I wish for a million dollars!

(ads, You know…if NWA-TNA changed their name to NWA: TNF, Total Non-Stop Fudge, I‘d probably never watch anything else.)

Is that that same ladder that RVD used to keep stuffed down his singlet?

Edge is out with Lita. Lita’s looking a little worse for wear with that neck brace. Geez. Man up, dude.

Edge: You probably know what I’m out here to address. That’s right. What the hell is up with that Nintendo Revolution controller? I mean, it’s kind of like a remote, which is cool, but then it’s got all these goofy ass buttons, and then you’ve got the analog stick on the other side, and it’s like nunchucks, and you’re swinging the thing around, and are they trying to make me look like more of an idiot? It’s bad enough that the only game I ever play is Harvest Moon, ok? I don’t need to be furiously making cow milking motions when my girlfriend walks in. What the hell will she think?
That I need to stop dating such huge nerds?
Exactly. See what I mean?
Honestly, I should have tried to stick it out with Doring. Or Esse Rios. Couldn’t understand a thing that guy was trying to say, but hey, he worked a long program with Angle, which was cool. I wonder whatever happened to Dean
Shut up. Anyway, next week at WWE Homecoming, Matt Hardy, you won’t be fighting Edge, you’ll be fighting a career killer!
Lita: Randy Orton
No…that’d be “Legend Killer.”
Who then?
Me. He’ll be fighting me.
But you said-
Well, I lied.
Say, didn’t you do a variation on this match during the first episode on Spike?
Heh. Yeah. That turned out…well?

Suddenly, Matt Hardy shows up, and tries to push over the ladder.

Matt Hardy: Uh…AAAAAH!
Hmm…that…doesn’t seem to be working.
I’m still up here.
Little help?

With Edge and Lita’s help, Matt finally pushes the ladder over.

Hardy: Next week, Edge! You’re going down!
Uh…yeah. Ok. See you then?

Back in the Bischoffice….

Eric Bischoff: I cannot WAIT to get the hell off this network.
Theodore Long:
Yeah. That’s what I said about moving to Fridays.
Edgada…what the hell are you doing here?
Just had to get on Spike one last time, playa. I loved Crooklyn, playa.
You know what, I’m gonna let that one slide. I could really give a crap any more.
Vince McMahon:
Teddy Long! What the hell are you doing here?
I was here to get on SpikeTV, but now that I’m thinking about it, how about a Smackdown match on WWE Homecoming to raise our flagging ratings? Smackdown could use a boost, buhleedat!
Sure! You and Carson Palmer over there let me know, and I’ll clear a spot on the show.
So much for my “The History of RAW” interpretive dance review.
I can feel that, Mr. McMahon. Paul London v. Paul Burchill! Funaki and Scotty 2 Hotty v. F.B.I.! Hardcore Holly v. JBL!
Try to make it good.
Playa, I’ve got to work with what I’ve got.
Good point.
Here’s a question. How the hell do you expect me to wrestle a match next week?
Eric, you’re fighting John Cena. Whatever you do will hardly be classifiable as a match anyway. So, just wing it. Do whatever, man. The teen girls will eat it up, whatever it is. Besides, you beat me with that crap in WCW forever, man. Just do what you did then.
Can I borrow $800 million dollars to go sign a bunch of guys to sit around and film grainy backstage segments?
No, but you can borrow $50 to go get yourself Koko B. Ware and Greg “The Hammer” Valentine.
I still hate you.


Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade v. Val Venis and Viscera

Viscera and Val are “already in the ring.” That’s what you get for being from Heat. Lance seems distracted. Probably trying to figure out how he’s going to explain to the pandas why he’s working both on Spike AND on (…). While he’s not paying attention, poor Dustin’s in there getting beat up. Can’t he complain to his dad? At least they didn’t drag Hurricane out here. AWKWARD! Val and Viscera trade splashes on Murdoch until, Lance comes in at the last second and nails Val with a guitar shot. That’s a DQ. Woah…Val and Viscera win? What crazy world is this?! When the hell is the last time someone “already in the ring” won a match anyway. Besides just now, I mean.

Carlito is backstage with Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters. Ooooh! Scintillating!

Carlito: Man, I don’t know what’s going on anymore? Am I even cool? Who’s my dad? Why am I in a tables match?
Chris Masters:
We’re in a tables match because we have to stake a claim in them this week. With the Dudleyz showing up in TNA, we’ve got to trump them early by doing their signature style match.
Yeah, but really, you couldn’t have picked four worse competitors for a tables match.
Just think of it as another week without needing a finisher.
Whew. That’s a load off my back. I was thinking about using a friggin’ full nelson this week.
That’d never get over.


Rob Conway v. Eugene (w/ HBearK)

HOLY CRAP! One of the stars of Lord of the Reign! Well, I guess given Eugene’s status on the ‘net, it’s no surprise he’d be familiar with a Internet Wrestling God like me. HOLY CRAP!! WCW Nitro Referee Mickey Jay is working this match! Where in the hell did he come from?! Conway grabs the bear and rips it up. What the hell was that all about?! Tommy Dreamer would be pissed if he wasn’t so dead! Eugene goes after the stuffing, figuring that if he eats HBearK’s brains, he’ll absorb its powers, so Conway rolls him up for the win. Sadly, this will go down in history as the best match on the last RAW on Spike TV.


USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network! USA Network!

I think Kevin Dunn killed the censor.


John Cena and Shawn Michaels v. Carlito Caribbean Cool and Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
In a Tables Match

Masters, seemingly misunderstanding the concept of the match, brings a buffet table down to the ring. Ooh, those little mints! Wait. I don’t like those. Or do I? I don’t know. Whenever I go to a wedding or something, I always grab a handful, and I’m always mildly disappointed. Sigh. Masters and Michaels grill some ribs while Cena and Carlito share a meaningful discussion about the Hurricane’s impact on oil prices. Man, without Spike, I never would have almost considered watching Joe Schmoe. I’m gonna miss you, SpikeTV. You brought me MXC and Bond marathons, but secretly, we knew it was never gonna work. Shawn Superkicks WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda into a table. Uh…that’s not how you win this, Shawn.


Sniff. The last Spike ads ever. Those…those aren’t tears. That’s sweat. Manly sweat. Say, couldn’t they have waited a few weeks until the Satiriversary? Geez. Are they still rerunning Wings over there? Michaels breaks out a five knuckle shuffle on Carlito. Just as good as Cena’s with 50% more prancing! Masters locks in a full nelson on Cena. Carlito gets up to yell at him for stealing his finisher, but the point is moot when Michaels breaks it up. Shawn gets almost a quarter of an inch on his flying forearm and kip up. They can’t all be winners. Maybe he’s silently mourning the death of HBearK. Shawn goes up top to try for the elbow drop, but Kurt Angle swoops in and throws him through a table. Then Eric Bischoff punches Cena in the balls and Kurt throws him through the table while Bischoff celebrates with the belt. Your last image of WWE RAW ever on Spike? Eric Bischoff holding the belt for 20 minutes while the announcers try to fit in as many “USA Networks” as they can over the credits. A fitting end to the their tenure if there ever was one!

Next Week: The WWE lands itself on another network! Who will show up? Will I be invited? How long before the rumors start circulating that the WWE is unhappy with USA again and is looking to make their big move over to GSN to throw in between that hot Dodgeball/Lingo Block and Amazing Race Season 2?



Excerpts from the Casefiles of Dean Malenko
Chapter Seven

I was tired. I knew I should continue my search for Kane, but there’s always time for a nap.

The Excerpts from the Casefiles of Dean Malenko Series will continue following the October 10th RAW.


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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