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RAW SATIRE    
Homecoming's Final Surprise Guest?
Tony Schiavone. 

October 4, 2005

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: What the hell happened last week? This pre-show isn’t helping me remember at all. Sean Mooney tells me that RAW wa…Sean Mooney?! WTF?! Err…John Cena…rapped? And then there was something about USA NETWORK! USA NETWORK! USA NETWORK! What network will we be on…TONIGHT?!
 
(Opening Credits…welcome home, boys)

Here’s Mick Foley, assuredly here to let us know that we’re in Dallas and then plug his book. Oh, RAW, that unpredictability is back!

Mick Foley: It’s nice to be right here in Dallas, Texas to plug my book “Scooter!” But that’s not all I’m here for, because, you see, it’s time 

for my appearance on Piper’s Pit! I sure as hell hope I don’t get hit on the head with a coconut. Not that I’d friggin’ notice by this point, eh? Man, why do I have to work with Piper. I should have gone to TNA. All they asked me to do was job to Monty Brown. That’s cool. Hell, I jobbed bunches of times to Orton. Anyway…the most important thing here, is that Roddy Piper is here and he’s REALLY super drunk this week, guys. Awesome.

Piper staggers down to the ring. Upskirt alert! Egh…gross.

Roddy Piper: Thanks, Mike! Mike Folby everybody! This guy…man…this guy…I love this guy, man. Writing a book about Muppet Babies! You…you jump off 25 cages for thumbs, man! You’re a hardcore IHOP! Man, I just got one equestion…one…one equestrian to ask of you, man!

Foley: Uh…sure.

Piper: BLEEEEEEARGH!

Foley: Real, soon, Hot Rod. I’m coming back as soon as they can find me somebody to wrestle. Maybe I can go one on one with WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan or something.

Piper: Yeah? You want to go with me?! You’re sick, Figgy Pudding! You’ve got The Sickness!

Foley: Roddy, don’t start in on this….

Piper: No, no. You listner to me, mister. You’re sick! Me? I’m not sick. I’m not sick, you hear me! I’ma LEGEND!

Foley: Oh, crap biscuits.

Hey! Randy Orton is out with his dad, Cowboy Bob. Not pictured? Cousin Abe. So much for maintaining a healthy family relationship. Randy has the mic. A live mic in the hands of Randy Orton? What can go wrong?

Randy Orton: You may be wonderling what Ranky Morgan is doing here on WWV Monkey Night Rob! Well, you know that ROB IS WORN! It’s like a worm in your tights! So I’m here from Friendly Night Snackdown to issue a degree! Not to you, Mike Farley, though we’ve had our achoos in the past! No, no. To YOU Soggy Soggy Poplar!

Piper: Whag?

Sean Cold Val Venis: Whag?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Nah, man.

Piper: Fragga…What are you talking about, man? I helpered your daggy…helpered him to main event a WreskleMani-bleeeeeeeeeaaaaargh.

Orton: You ruined the music and movie career of my farter, Cowpoke Billy Ocean! If not for thou, Soggy, he would be starring in crappy HiFi network TV movies. If not for thou, he would still have hands! HANDS, SOGGY!

Cowboy Bob Orton: Uh…Son, the gimmick wasn’t that I didn’t have hands. It was that I always had a brok….

Orton: OMIGOD LOOK AT ALL THE LEGENDS!

Sure enough, a Gaggle of Legends sits at ringside.

Piper: One fink at a time!

Howard Finkle: Hey!

Fink stands up to protest, but slips on some popcorn. Orton wins! Foley goes to help the fallen ring announcer, but he’s too fat to make it under the ropes right, so he falls to the floor. Orton wins! Piper runs at Randy to punch him, but he trips over his skirt and falls to the mat. Orton wins! Randy and Cowboy Bob walk up the ramp celebrating three huge victories.

The Voice of the Undertaker: What the hell was that?!

Randy Orton: MEIN GOTH! The Underquacker has followed us from Snackdown! I commandeer thee to fall over!

Voice of Taker: Man, shut the hell up. What are you doing over here on RAW starting feuds. You’ve already got more feud than you can handle on Smackdown.

Orton: You can’t fuel me, Takerster! This is WWV Homerunning, and I know very well that I must start what I finished all those years ago when I was my spool’s Homerunning king! I’m the King!

Jerry Lawler: I’M the King!

Suddenly, Burger King’s King runs out and pushes Randy off the ramp.

Voice of Taker: I’m not even sure HOW to deal with that one. So, I won’t. So long, suckers.

(ads)

Back in the Bischoffice, trouble is brewing….

Eric Bischoff: I could really use some coffee right now.

Teddy Long: What’s happenin,’ playa?

Bischoff: Teddy, what the hell is Randy Orton doing on RAW trying to start feuds with my superstars?

Long: I’m gonna be straight with ya, playa. Mick Foley and Roddy Piper aren’t RAW superstars. Hell, they’re barely WWE superstars. Buhleedat.

Bischoff: Good point. But why is he on RAW?

Long: Playa, he’s Randy Orton. I don’t know why he does anything. Just a few weeks ago, the fool built an Undertaker Real Doll. What the hell is wrong with that boy?

Bischoff: All right, you’re right. I can’t hold you responsible for Orton’s actions.

Long: I feel that.

Bischoff: So why are you here?

Long: I’m just here for the coffee, playa.

Bischoff: I feel that, player. It’s going to be a long ass night.

Kurt Angle v. Shawn Michaels
In a Thirty Minute Copper Man Match

Shawn shakes hands with the Legends to start. They don’t want to say anything, but secretly they’re all pissed that he’s showing them up by still wrestling at 60. Hacksaw, in particular, looks genuinely ticked off that Michaels still knows more than four moves at this point in his career. In a refreshing change of pace, Koko B. Ware just looks thrilled to be there, even if everybody is ignoring him and his bird is pooping all over in his popcorn. This is easily the highlight of the last 10 years for Koko. He didn’t even get a WCW contract. How sad is that?! While Shawn is outside fraternizing, he gets counted out. Angle is up 1-0.

(ads)

During the break, Angle ran up the score 143-21. Michaels is really struggling in this one. They roll around for a little bit. What is this, UFC? Get your heads in the game. This is supposed to be a wrestletastic television event here, not “Shawn and Kurt’s Rollin’ Half Hour.” Finally, Angle locks in the Ankle Lock, but Shawn reverses it by twisting the glare from his mirror chaps into Angle’s eyes. While Angle is flustered, Shawn rolls him up. 143-22. Pissed off, Angle rolls back into the Ankle Lock and Shawn taps out. 144-22. Truly this is a match for the ages. Or the aged. Harley Race seems to be digging it.

(ads)

Shawn fired back during the break, bringing himself to 144-143 utilizing his amazing prance based offense. Shawn catches Angle with a Superkick and now it’s 144-144. Somewhere, Bret Hart is watching Matlock. Shawn goes up to try for his annual “Once a Year Moonsault,” but Angle turns it into an Anklelock. Unfortunately, time had expired about five minutes before any of this, so it doesn’t count. Content to take one point for the draw, Angle leaves while Shawn Michaels throws a hissy fit that his match didn’t have an ending. The Ghost of Gorilla Monsoon tries desperately to get the match restarted, but nobody can see him except for Whoopi Goldberg and she friggin’ hates Shawn Michaels.

(ads)

Hey! One of the Legends is Kevin Von Erich. He stands to acknowledge his applause, and suddenly explodes. Viva Von Erichs…wait…er…

Backstage, Eric Bischoff is having a touching heart to heart with Vince McMahon.

Eric Bischoff: So here’s the plan, I’m going to have the nWo run down and beat down John Cena, then, I’m going to come running down to the ring, and, here’s the tricky part, I’m going to act all excited, jumping around the ring, but when Cena gets up, he’s going to throw one punch and I’m going to go down. Then Cena and I can reveal that it’s been our plan all along to destroy the WWE!

Vince McMahon: No.

Bischoff: You never let me do anything fun.

Vince: Sure I do. Remember that time I let you wrestle Trish Stratus every week?

Bischoff: Oh yeah. That was pretty cool. Still…Man, I can’t help but feel like this entire run here has all been one ego trip by you to get back at me for beating you in the ratings with WCW every week for 88 weeks.

Vince: I’m an old pervert.

Bischoff: Yeah. Me too.

Vince and Eric stare at the coffee machine for a few seconds.

Vince: So…how about that football?

Bischoff: I’m not getting anything done in my fantasy league this year. I don’t get it. I’m starting Rich Gannon and Jerry Rice every game. I should be racking up the points big time.

Vince: You ruined the XFL!

Vince Storms off. In the ring….

Lillian Garcia: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the one and only chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment, the genetic jackhammer, Vince Russo!

Vince Russo: Oh, you should have had cue cahds, dahling. HAHAHAHAHA! Hey! Look who’s back! On this very show, I was responsible fah some of the best programming the world had evah seen! “Choppy Choppy You Pee Pee?” That was me! Mahk Henry, geriatric transvestite loving incestuous fat man? ME, BABY! I’m the-URK!

Hacksaw Jim Duggan nailed him with a broom. Vince McMahon stomps out.

Vince McMahon: Our time on here on USA was filled with many great moments too, and believe it or not, a lot of them had to do with me. Let’s run down a collection of my favorite Vince McMahon clips.

Various clips of McMahon stomping around and gulping air. I have to admit, back in the day, Vince was quite the stomper. Oh, wait, here’s Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Vince: We’re getting to clips of you, Steve. Geez, you don’t have to be such a glory hound. You weren’t cool until you melted Lance Storm anyway.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Vince: Look, what do you want, Steve?

Austin: Well, I mean, originally, I was going to come out here and give the crowd a chance to chant “What?” as I ran down huge lists and made sentences using synonyms, but I guess we’re in kind of a hurry, huh?

Vince: Well, yeah. You see the thing is, while I am just out here so that people forget that the UFC show is starting over on the other channel, we really don’t have the kind of time you usually try to chew up talking about Tazz’ watch and all the different types of booze you had earlier today.

Austin: I see. Can I at least show a clip of me hitting you with a bedpan or you peeing yourself?

Vince: No! What is it with you and potty humor anyway?

Austin: Hey, I’m not the guy who has everybody kiss his ass.

Vince: Only metaphorically.

Austin: What?

Crown: WHAT?!

Austin: There. Doesn’t that feel better?

Vince: No. They’re still doing it and it’s annoying as hell.

Austin Stunners Vince.

Austin: Don’t make fun of my catchphrase!

HERE COMES THE MONEY~! That’s right Scrooge McDuck skips out…oh wait…Shane McMahon? Sigh. Shane skips out, but before he can even get out, “Booyah, thanks for takin’ out my pops,” Austin stunners him too. Austin is a laugh riot! Is that Stephanie McMahon and her titties? IT SURE IS!

Stephanie McMahon: Steve, I can’t help but notice that you’re slowly taking my entire family. Who do you think we are? The Von Erichs? The Harts? Knock it off dude.

Austin: What?

Stephanie: I said, Steve, I-

Austin: Honey, it’s not going to work repeating it. I’m hypnotized by your gigantic knockers. If you want to see these sons of bitches jiggle, give me a “Hell Yeah!”

Crowd: HELL YEAH!

Austin hits the Stunner. Woah. Like jello. Backstage.

Nibblins: Meow!

Triple H: No, no. Stay back here. It’s not worth it.

Linda McMahon strolls to the ring. Uh-oh.

Linda McMahon: What in the name of Brock Lesnar’s genetic jackhammer is going on out here?

Austin: I stunnered Vince (What?) He was an asshole (What?) a moron (What?) a piece of garbage (What?) he lacks character (What?) scruples (What?). I stunnered Shane (What?) he annoys me (What?) I hate his fruity dancing (What?) and his stupid catchphrases (What?) and WCW (What?) and that his wife’s boobs (What?). I stunnered Stephanie (What?) to watch her boobies jiggle (What?) Bouncy (What?) bouncy (What?) bouncy! (What?)

Linda: I guess I can’t fault you for any of that, Steve. Sorry to bother you.

Austin: That’s ok. I think I might have killed them though. They’ve been down there for a while now. Geez, even Hebner never did a sell job like this. Linda?

Linda: Yes, Steve?

Austin: Do you want to make out here? In the shattered remnants of your family?

Linda: I’d love to. But…I can’t. What about Brock?

Austin: Brock’s in Japan. He can’t save you from the fiery passion of Stone Cold!

They embrace. Austin douses Linda’s blouse with beer. WOO!

Linda: Oh. Steve.

Austin: KISS ME DAMMIT!

Linda: Braaaaaaaaaaaaaains

Linda begins gnawing on Austin’s head. Austin tries to nail her with the stunner, but her zombified head pops clean off and lands in the fourth row. What a souvenir! Austin runs backstage and returns to the ring carrying Declan McMahon. STUNNER TO THE BABY! Austin downs some beers while his music plays.

Austin: AND THAT’S THE BOTTOM LINE, BECAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!

Backstage….

Abe Orton: Dammit! I didn’t even know there was a baby here tonight. Well, my hat’s off to you Austin.

Cowboy Bob Orton: You are both pathetic excuses for Ortons.

Randy Orton: Whatever, fodder of mine. Like you’re doing sooooo much more betterer.

Abe: Really, when was the last time you did anything worth mentioning?

Cowboy Bob: 1985.

STUNNER TO THE ORTON FAMILY! Austin drinks some more.

(ads)

Vince McMahon is sitting in his limo.

Vince McMahon: Somebody’s getting fired for this.

Todd Grisham: Oh! Oh! Me! Can it be me?!

Suddenly, Grisham is stabbed in the back. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Todd Pettingill: Amateur.

Vince: Hop in, Toddy. Let’s go chase people on the sidewalks in the limo.

Pettingill: I missed you, boss.

Vince: I missed you too, Toddy.

(ads)

Edge (w/ Lita) v. Matt Hardy
In a Bank On It Ladder Match for a Shot at the WWE Title Or Banishment to Smackdown

Lita’s wearing what I’ll lovingly classify as “a bra, and possibly part of some shorts.” They immediately launch into a series of death defying and innovative new uses for the ladder like: Checking the lights on the new set, asking for Home Improvement star Richard Karn’s seal of approval, and doing leg drops off the first rung. When they finally start to climb, the briefcase mysteriously begins floating in mid-air. Flabbergasted, Edge and Hardy both fall off the ladder and get hung up in the ropes. While Lita struggles to free them, the crowd amuses themselves by chanting “Needs More Kane.” Let’s take a commerical break!

(ads)

Edge jumps through a table at ringside. What in the hell is that doing out there? You’d think they’d learn by now not to leave random tables under the ring anyway. It’s not like somebody’s going to bring donuts down there and suddenly the producers are going to be in a panic as to where they’re going to put them. Just give them to Lillian, and hope she doesn’t start on fire/eat the box. Matt climbs the ladder, but the briefcase escapes his grasp again. While he works out this mental problem, Lita takes a swing at him but misses. Remind me never to invite her onto my wiffleball team. Matt attempts to counter this by sticking his face in her crotch, but Edge pushes him into the ropes where, Lita ties him up. Then, using the intermediary help of Whoopi Goldberg to tell Monsoon and Bossman’s ghosts to knock it the hell off, Edge gets his fancy briefcase back. He feels like a real adult again. Lita lets Matt go, and he is escorted away by Sting and the Police, dejected and demoralized. What will become of our beloved Matt Hardy now?! Somewhere, a Big Pimpin’ Alex cries.

(ads)

Backstage, Trish Stratus is oiling up with Ashley Massaro.

Trish Stratus: I can’t wait to see those other girls in their bras and panties.

Ashley Massaro: Yes. I like to strip other girls.

Trish: This segment, it cannot get any hotter.

Ashley: Do you want to make out?

Trish: Absolutely.

Mae Young: I’M HERE, BITCHES!

Mae and Moolah make out. While Trish and Ashley run away, Ted DiBiase, Jimmy Snuka, and Jim Duggan watch the proceedings.

Jim Duggan: What the hell is going on in the WWF? It didn’t used to be this stupid. Tough Guy! HOOOOOO!

Ted Dibiase: Uhh…it was even more stupid when we were on top. Not that you have ever been on top.

Duggan: USA! USA! USA!

“Superfly” Jimmy Snuka: Wemmena lammana toodetoo.

Duggan: I hear that.

Snuka and Duggan go chasing after Mae and Moolah. DiBiase shakes his head.

DiBiase: I guess every man really does have his price.

Trish: That hardly makes sense as a punch line.

DiBiase: Here’s $200. Please shut up.

Ashley: Yay! Now I can afford those eyebrow implants.

Homecoming Queen Maria Tennyson Lund is standing by with creepy old man, Ric Flair.

Maria Tennsyon Lund: Hi, Ric! Sources say that Triple H will be returning on this very show here tonight! What’s going on with that?!

Ric Flair: WOO! Let me tell you something, lady. I’m gonna take you for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOO!

Maria: Did you just call me a fat boy? WAAAAAAH!

Tough Enough Jessie: I feel bad for you! WAAAAAAH!

Flair: WOO! That’s why I’m the champ! Triple WOO! By God, H! You’re coming back to be my tag team partner tonight! I can’t stress this enough! We’re best friends. Don’t forget that! FRIENDS! Evolution! WOO! Triple H and the Nature Boy! BFF!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I thought we were best FRIENDS! L

Flair: AH!


(ads)


Carlito Caribbean Cool and Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters v. Ric Flair and Triple H

Triple H gets a huge pop coming out. He should make that a diet pop. Seriously, the dude hasn’t missed a meal in a long time. In fact, he probably added two or three new ones while nobody was looking. Masters offers to cook something up for Hunter, so Flair and Carlito start off the match. Carlito spits an apple at Flair, as if to say, “You weren’t really my father after all, jerk!” Flair’s best friend can’t bear to see food go to waste like that, so he punches Carlito in the jaw. Double strut. Things are getting Crazy Go Nuts!

(ads)

Hunter and Masters are arguing over the bill. Dude, Chris, I know you’re an Iron Chef and everything, but come on, man. You’re getting a push! Don’t let HHH be the one to break the Iron Chef Challenge! Masters relents on charging Hunter for the Andes mints so Hunter lets him go. Carlito offers peace, but it’s too late! PEDIGREE TO CARLITO~! Flair celebrates. But as Flair dances around the ring, Triple H tells him that he has a present for Flair. Flair begs off. OH NO! Sledgehammer to the face! That’s no present at all! Damn that Triple H! DAMN HIM TO HELL!

Triple H: Ow! God. I gotta stop putting my hand on top of the sledgehammer for that shot. Crap. I think I broke it. Ow.

Flair: Woo! That’s why you’re the champ!

(ads)

Hunter is still beating up a bloody Ric Flair backstage. Michael Hayes tries to break it up but, come on. He’s still Michael Hayes. Hunter asks a group of legends if they’d like to try to stop him from beating up Flair.

Ricky Steamboat: Uh…no.

Dusty Rhodes: Nope.

Harley Race: Nope. But you should shave. You look like a damn fool.

Hunter continues his assault. Things look bleak for our hero, but then help arrives in the form of an unlikely alliance.

Chris Benoit: Smackdown Squad powers activate!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Form of an OSPREY!

Benoit: We don’t have those kind of powers, Dave.

Randy Orton: Then what the heck are our powders?

Benoit: You know…wrestling?

Batista: I’m not very good at THAT!

Triple H: The Smackdown Squad!

Ric Flair: WOO! Get ‘em, Hunter!

Benoit: You don’t want our help?

Flair: This is just Hunter’s way of showing he loves me.

HHH: It is not! I’m trying to kill you!

Flair: I love you too! WOO!

Benoit: Come on, guys. It’s not worth it.

Orton: But, I wanted to talk to my old buggy, Triopoly H!

PEDIGREE TO ORTON~! HHH throws Flair into a nearby limo and smashes the window.

John Bradshaw Leyfield: Hey! What the hell was that all about! I don’t want this!

HHH: Shut up and take him to Smackdown.

JBL: Hell no!

HHH: PEDIGREE TO J-

JBL: Geez. Fine. Fine.


(ads)

WWE Legends Dusty Rhodes, Arn Anderson, Nikolai Volkoff, Superstar Billy Graham, Koko B. Ware (w/ Frankie II), The Ghost of Kevin Von Erich, Jimmy Hart, Pat Patterson, Howard Finkle, Ted DiBiase, Mae Young, Fabulous Moolah, Dr. Death Steve Williams, Ricky Steamboat, Tony Garea, Dean Malenko, Lita, Haku, the Berzerker, Mantaur, Lance Storm Action Figure, Paul Roma, the Maestro, the Kat, Shannon Moore, Kevin Kelly, Nailz, Tugboat, Virgil, AJ Styles, Maven, Daniel Puder, Chilly Willy, Skinner, Dr. Phil, Geraldo Rivera, Pete Rose and Super Shredder are all in the ring. Dusty has the mic. DUSTY HAS THE MIC?! Why the hell don’t you just give it to Patterson for Pete’s sake.

Pat Patterson: This match is banana. B-A-N-A-N-A-eh?

Eh…never mind. Dusty?

Dusty Rhodes: I’m pleased to be here in the wing with these fahn, fahn men, these legends if you wheeeel. I said to Harley Race, I said to him backstage, I say “We be clubberin’ Harley!”

Thank God. It’s Rob Conway to add a touch of class to this affair.

Rob Conway: Hi guys. Am I late? This is the WWE Legends party, right?

Ricky Steamboat: Who the hell let Bagwell in here?

Nikolai Volkov: In Soviet Russia, you don’t celebrate legend! Legend celebrate you!

Koko B. Ware: Let me back, Vince! I need the money! I’m trying to raise old Frankie back from the dead!

Frankie II: Shut up! Shut up! BRAWK!

Harley Race: I can’t believe I sullied my legacy to be in this segment.

Maven: Tell me about it.

Superstar Billy Graham: Hey! Aren’t you the guy from DOOM?

Everybody rushes over to Maven to get his autograph and they all trip over each other and fall to the ground, breaking several…dozen…hips. Backstage….

Cowboy Bob Orton: Randy! We came as soon as we heard what happened with Hunter. Are you all right?!

Abe Orton: He’s…he’s smiling Uncle Bob!

Bob Orton: What the hell is wrong with you boy? You just got your ass whupped!

Randy Orton: It was beautiful. As if a million legends cried out, and then suddenly fell over.

Bob Orton: Randy, did you just….

Abe Orton: In your pants…

Randy Orton: Sigh.

Bob Orton: Ew.

Abe Orton: IT WASN’T MY FAULT!


(ads)


Boobsie McTitsalot, Torrie Wilson and Victoria (w/ Wookles The RAW Satire Puppy) v. Trish Stratus and Ashley Massaro
In a Handicapped Bra and Panties Match

I wonder if there’s any tension backstage between Nibblins and Wookles. It’s no wonder Torrie’s not getting pushed. Torrie and Boobsie forget the purpose of the match and strip before the bell. You know, I like him, but WWE Women’s Referee Chris Kay is no WWE Women’s Referee Tim White. He’s just not portly or lecherous enough. Victoria successfully detops Ashley, and Trish already came out in just her bra, but Victoria can’t beat Trish in her specialty match, so Trish and Ashley get her pants off and that gives them the win. Ah, the return of women’s wrestling!

Kurt Angle is in the Bischoffice.

Kurt Angle: You’ll never guess who I saw backstage! Ken Kennedy!

Eric Bischoff: Who the-

Angle: Kennedy!

Bischoff: Who the hell is Ken Kennedy?

Angle: I don’t know. He’s like the new Billy Gunn or something. Hey, do you want me to come down and interfere in your match tonight?

Bischoff: Yeah, why don’t you. DDP couldn’t make it.

Angle: Really? Why the hell not? It’s not like he has anything better to do.

Bischoff: Apparently he’s too busy stalking Undertaker Real Doll‘s wife Lita Real Doll.

Angle: Oh yeah. I see where that could be an issue for him. Yeah, all right, I’ll come down with you.


(ads)

Michael Cole and Tazz at ringside!

Rey Misterio, Chris Benoit and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” v. Chris Tian, John Bradshaw Leyfield and Eddie Guerrero

Oh Dave and Chris Tian, how I’ve missed you so. Not you though, Benoit. These other guys? I have NO idea who these other guys are. Rey Misterio is clearly not tall enough to ride any rides. Teddy Long is dancing in the ring. Actually, you know what? They should start off every match with Teddy Long dancing in the ring. He can be like the new Nitro Girls. Teddy Long = AC Jazz. Eric Bischoff comes out and reminds everybody that Smackdown is stupid. Then the power goes out.

The Voice of the Undertaker: What the? Did I miss my cue?

Eric Bischoff: Nah, man. I think the segment was just over.

Teddy Long: But we didn’t have our match yet!

Bischoff: Yeah, well, what was going to happen anyway? The guys do their signature moves and then Dave and Eddie tease fighting, and Dave pins Christian and we’re out, right?

Long: You know it, playa.

Bischoff: Well, just imagine all that stuff happened. *****!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I win the MATCH!

John Bradshaw Leyfield: My finest performance to date!


(ads)

Mean Gene Okerlund is in the ring with Hulk Hogan.

Mean Gene Okerlund: Hulk Hogan, you said you had a big announcement tonight, so what is it?

Hulk Hogan: Well, you know something, Mean Gene, Hulk Hogan already took the Yappappi Straps to one young star of the generation, and now, brother, I think it’s time for me to take down another one, dude! Stone Cold Steve Austin-

Mean Gene: That’s all from us! Now for a word from our sponsors!


(ads)


Eric Bischoff (w/ Kurt Angle) v. John Cena
In a No Disqualification Match for the WWE Heavyweight Title


They should have a welterweight title. And…like…Nova is the only guy who actually goes after it. I love the look WWE RAW Referee M-M-M-Mike Chioda gives every time he’s handed Cena’s belt. “What the hell is this crap?“ Ted DiBiase, now THERE was a guy who knew how to make a blinging belt. Cena and Angle argue for a few minutes which gives Bischoff time to hit his one offensive move for this match. Low blow! Cena is reeling. Angle tries a chair shot, but he misses and takes out Lillian instead. He should probably have tried that…inside the ring. Cena hit’s the FU, and it’s all over but the shouting. Ok. Now the shouting is over too.

But WAIT! There’s More! More? Ugh.

Teddy Long comes out and says that he’s sick of RAW always showing up Smackdown. There was no ninety hour Smackdown when Smackdown went to Friday nights. No, no! Instead they got preempted by Bono for an hour, and then barely had time to rush through Dave’s big match before the local networks switched their feeds to the Everybody Loves Raymond reruns. So right here in this very ring, it’s all about the dollah dollah bills, y’all! Well, sometimes he’s coherent!

Sure enough, Smackdown Superstars Ken Kennedy, “Dave” Batista “Davidson,” Randy Orton, Rey Misterio, Eddie Guerrero, Christian, Chris Benoit, JBL, Funaki, Nunzio, Josh Matthews, Tazz, My Darling Stacy, WWE Smackdown Referee Jimmy Kordaris, and Bobby Lashlarue storm the ring. Cena and Angle fight back but there’s just too many of them. That’s when the RAW Cavalry arrives! Big Show! Shawn Michaels! Edge! Carlito! Chris Masters! Maria! Tough Enough Jessie! Coach! There’s a huge brawl happening in the ring! Who will win? Who will reign Supreme?!

Tony Schiavone: Sorry, folks, we’re all out of time!

Next Week: RAW is preempted for reruns of last year’s Westminster Dog Show. Ric Flair and Triple H show up together like nothing ever happened. Plus, did you know they had tag team titles on this show? Neither do the writers, which is why we won’t see them next week either!

 

Excerpt from the Casefiles of Dean Malenko
Chapter Eight

I was there to see if any of the legends knew where Kane was. None of them had ever heard of him. Sigh. This was going to take longer than I thought. I was hungry, so I went to catering and had a sandwich. It was the greatest sandwich in the history of sandwiches.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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