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Tricks and Treats   

November 1, 2005

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: In like a lamb, out like a crippled lamb who just got wasted on boxes of wine, The RAW Satire turned 4 years old. That’s old enough to vote in some states! Shawn Michaels performed the will of the Lord, thereby ensuring God will vote for him in the Taboo Tuesday voting. RECTAL SURGERY! RECTAL SURGERY! BY GAWD WE NEED SOME GAUZE!! Also Some Dudes from Smackdown showed up. Where will the dudes be from who show up…TONIGHT?!
(Opening Credits)

Eric Bischoff is out with Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters. Bischoff is dressed up as “nWo Eric Bischoff” and Masters is “Masaharu Morimoto,” which is overstepping his bounds a little bit. Bischoff has the mic! I hope he turns heel and brings out Hogan. Tear down the set!

Eric Bischoff: Thank you for your warm reception. I’m here tonight because I wanted to call out Vince McMahon! That’s right, I challenge Vince to a fight at Taboo Tuesday, but I know he won’t show up because McMahon Fears Bischoff!

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters: Uh…Eric, Vince will TOTALLY be there. He owns the whole company!

Bischoff: Oh. Well, in any event, have I got a main event for you, because tonight, right here on Monday Nitro, it’s gonna be Sting taking on Hulk Hogan in a STEEL CAGE MATCH!

Masters: Also the Chris Masters Iron Chef Challenge?

Bischoff: We’ll see if we can’t fit you in between the Lighting Foot Jerry Flynn v. Horace Hogan match in The Block and the segment where Ricki Rachtman sounds totally uninterested in being here!

Masters: Great. Seriously, dude. The Block?

Here’s Theodore Long dressed in Stephanie’s Slutty witch costume from a few years ago.

Bischoff: Teddy Long? The Manager of Doom?! I thought I fired you!

Theodore Long: Playa, have you been trippin’ out on acid again? This is Monday Night RAW, not none of that Nitro blibbity blap!

Bischoff: Sigh. It’s fun to pretend.

Long: Here comes Rey Misterio, buhleedat!

Bischoff: Oh man, I thought I got rid of all the luchadores. I’m not lWo Eric Bischoff!

Who’s that jump…wait. He changed his music. That sucks. Oh well, here’s Rey Misterio. He’s dressed as…Rey Misterio. Hmm…he doesn’t seem to grasp the concept of this whole thing. I mean, I know he’s already got a mask and everything, but geez, get with the spirit, man! Isn’t it Día de los Muertos? Dress up as Manny Calavera or something!

Rey Misterio: We better hurry up! I’m missing some prime Trick or Treating right now!

Gay Gobbledygooker, Abe Orton (as Captain Lou Albano as Mario), Lance Cade (as Jeff Jarrett), Trevor Murdoch (as Dustin Rhodes), and Edge all come running out.

Chris Masters: Aw. Look at him! He’s so damn cute! Can I give you a hug again, little man? I can’t fight this guy, Eric. He’s just way too cuddly. Hey, there, Rey Rey, do you want me to bake you up some cookies?

Rey: Uh…sure! That’d probably make up at least a little for all the missed candy action.

Long: Don’t be turning heel on me, playa! Here’s some other guys from Smackdown!

Hardcore Holly, Matt Hardy, JBL, and…Chris Tian? Come out dressed as the Ninja Turtles.

John Bradshaw Leyfeild: Chris Tian? I thought you got fired?

Chris Tian: I did not! I quit!

Hardcore Holly: Then what the hell are you doing here?

Tian: I…uh…already rented the costume, so I figured…eh? Why’d I have to be stupid Donatello anyway? Why Couldn’t I be…Leonardo?

JBL: Because I’m the team leader!

Holly: And I’m sassy and ornery just like Raphael!

Matt Hardy: Uh…heh. Cowabunga, dudes? Where’s my pizza?

Nunzio: God, I said thirty minutes or less, and I meant thirty minutes or less! Ok?!

Tired of waiting for their delicious pie, the Smackdown Superstars take this opportunity to kindly ask the RAW gentlemen to vacate the premises. Being fine, upstanding persons of good repute, the RAW faction does so post haste.


Backstage, nWo Eric is PISSED!

Eric Bischoff: How could you let them run us off like that! Not since the days of Lex Luger have I seen-

Edge: Eric! Do you want to come out to the parking lot with me? I’ve heard tales that a great wrestler comes down from Japan and grants gifts to all the good wrestlers on Halloween night! That’s TONIGHT!

Bischoff: No! Furthermore…oh forget it. It’s not like talking to either of you is going to be worth saying anything to anyway. Just know one thing, I WILL NOT GO DOWN ON TEDDY LONG! TO TEDDY LONG! I mean. To. Now maybe for the right price….

Edge: What about you, Chris? Want to come wait for the Great Sasuke?

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters: I’m not a very good wrestler. He’d probably just kick me in the balls.

Kurt Angle v. Tajiri

Angle came as Kane. This show needed another Kane! Maybe he’s trying to influence the voting! Tajiri is dressed as Jushin Thunder Liger. He playfully pokes Angle in the eye with his horns. Angle snaps them off. Sadly, Tajiri does not go all puroresu on Angle’s ass. Instead Angle locks in the Ankle Lock and that’s pretty much the end of that. Oh well. After the match, Angle rambles for a bit on he mic about how he made John Cena tap out last week, at which point Cena runs out (as Corey Haim Circa Snowboard Academy) and waylays Angle with fists of rage. Never mess with a Corey, Kurt!


Jonathan Coachman is dressed up as Skinner and Howler Monkey is dressed up as Jerry Lawler. Just in case you were wondering.

Here’s Ric Flair (dressed as Triple H) to provide expert analysis of his current feud.

Ric Flair: Hunter! You’re the Game! You beat me up so that I became a bloody wreck of a man. I was lost, beaten and confused. You had me on the ropes! And that’s why you’re the champ! WOO! Hunter, I could never take your old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, Fat boy, (WOO!) because you’re The Game, and compared to you, I’m just a withered old man! So, I hope, that tomorrow at Taboo Tuesday, the fans vote me off the Island! WOO!

Suddenly, the Burger King appears at the end of the ramp. Flair begs off.

Flair: I can’t! I can’t kill him, he’s my best friend!

The Burger King pulls out a small rabbit and stabs it with a chicken fry.

Flair: You’re right! I’ll do it for Reid and for the girl and, to a lesser extent, for David!


Rob Conway (as Buff Bagwell) v. Eugene (as Lou Thesz)

Eugene clearly blames Buff Bagwell for the downfall of WCW, and Vince McMahon for everything else. Eugene hits Rob with a Thesz Press. That’s pretty much the long and short of this match, as Conway bails out and Hacksaw Jim Duggan (as Ted DiBiase), Kamala (as Monty Brown), and Super Fly Jimmy Snuka (as Marty Jannety) come out and do a little dance. Then Kamala hits everyone with THE POUNCE! Better than any TNA Match this year. ******** out of 100! The Burger King appears in the ring and offers a cheeseburger to Conway.

Todd Grisham (as a Dead Body) is backstage standing by with Shane Helms (as Shannon Moore).

Todd Grisham: ….

Shane Helms: Hey, Todd. Nice costume! I’m Shannon Moore. Are you cool? Yeah, I bet you’re cool. Too cool to talk. I’m gonna go practice my moves. Dance along with Three Count!

Mick Foley (as Mr. Belvedere): Woah. Todd Grisham’s rotting corpse. I hope it doesn’t interfere with my segment with Carlito…Right here in Anaheim, California! Buy my book!


Carlito Caribbean Cool (as Philip Michael Thomas): Miami Vice is cool. Right? I mean, everybody remembers PMT, right? Man, I can’t believe I’m wrestling Mr. Belvedere tomorrow at Taboo Tues-

Mick Foley: Boo! Prepare for the Three Faces of Foley!

Cap’n Jack Foley: Yar, I can’t remember my fake family! Damn you Vader! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to sail the seven seas on my motor scooter! Yo Ho Ho!

Mick Foley, Professional Author: Please buy my book? Please?! I’m tired of doing this. I’m tired of jobbing to people like Carlito. I’m sorry Scooter and Tietam Brown are boring and depressing! I’ll spice the next one up with lots of fart jokes and inside references to Al Snow! Pleeeeeeease don’t make me keep having to wrestle for publicity!

Mick Foley, After 11 Chairshots to the Face: Uh…grwlp! Bmfx! Idonwaggadothejod! YOU DO THE JOD! Illcandianbullfrogyou you jebteysonlunch! Yeow!

Carlito: I hope I face Mr. Chairshots.

Jonathan Coachman: Hey, there. I’m the Coach! I sure hope nothing prevents Stone Cold Steve Austin from making an appearance at tonight’s show, like refusing to job to me!


Coach is still in the ring waiting for Austin. Vince McMahon (dressed as Lyle Lovett) comes out. Oh no! What could this mean.

Vince McMahon: So, it turns out Austin didn’t want to have to job to you.

Jonathan Coachman: That sucks. Now what do we do?

Vince: Run out Goldust and hope nobody notices?

Goldust (dressed as Trevor Murdoch) hits the ring.

Goldust: Ok, this doesn’t make any sense at all. Why in the hell would you bring ME in to help you stop Austin in the first place?

Vince: Because if we didn’t, your dad was going to throw a hissy fit.

Goldust: Oh.

Vince: Ok, this didn’t work. Here’s Funaki.

Funaki (dressed as Godzilla) storms down to the ring to take his rightful place as champion of the Immortals. But unfortunately, even on another network entirely, he’s still a huge jobber, so Goldust beats him up.

Vince: That wasn’t nearly distracting enough! DAVE!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” (dressed as Howard the Duck) comes out.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson“: Guess who I AM!

Coach: Uh…The ugly duckling?

Goldust: Donald?

Batista: I am Howard the DUCK! That is my favorite MOVIE!

Coach: I’m going to need back up. DVD promotional placement backup. Oh, Vader!

Fred Ottman (dressed as Darth Vader) bursts through the Titan Tron, falls off, and goes through the entry ramp.

Batista: I live in FEAR!

Coach: What the hell was that?


Viscera (dressed as Halle Berry) v. Triple H (dressed as Christopher Daniels)

It’s amazing what a bald cap and a little ankh sticker can do. I don’t know why Viscera is dressed as Lance Storm. Triple H wins it in 15 seconds with Angel’s Wings. Then, Hunter gets on the mic and reminds us that he’s “Mr. WWE” and that he’s not going to take any guff from a guy like Ric Flair. Then he rips off the bald cap and is all like, A-HA! It was me, Triple H all along! You suckers thought I was one of your beloved internet heros, but in fact you were cheering for me the whole time! Then he dry humps the J.R. mannequin at ringside.


Todd Grisham’s body is standing by with John Cena.

Todd Grisham: ….

John Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE! Why am I dressed as Corey Haim from Snowboard Academy? You better check yourself, man. I’m the raddest dude, this side of ALF. They said my rapper gimmick was getting old, so when they asked me what else I was into, I was like, “Well, duh, the Coreys, yo.” But Feldman, man, Feldman is too street for me to pull off, you know? There’s only so much street one man not named Corey can be. But don’t worry, man. It’s cool. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to save my old man’s Ski slopes from an evil troupe of skiers. Later, skater.


The Heart Throbs (dressed as MNM) v. The Big Show (dressed as Franken Berry) and Kane (Dressed as Bull from Nightcourt)

Needs more Bull, I always say. Show and Kane take turns trying to 1-Up the other one by throwing the poor Heart Throbs around the ring. They need a Melina, I think. They’re just MN. And nothing good comes out of Minnesota. Trust me. I know. Isn’t Kane supposed to be injured? What are they going to do with all these extra lives anyway? Give them to charity? Isn’t this basically just an admission by WWE that Kane and Show are going to have a run as “Goofy Main Event Face Tag Team Champions?” Is it so bad that I’m ok with that? All these questions and many more will never be answered because Kane and Show ended the match about three minutes ago with a Double Chokeslam.



A Brief Rundown of the Ladies and their apparel.

Ashley Massaro: Dressed as Kevin Nash, complete with Hospital Gurney to take her to the ring and a torn quad.

Boobsie McTitsalot: Boobs

Alexis Laree: Headbanger Mosh

Victoria: Stevie Richards in Drag

Maria Tennyson Lund: Jeb Tennyson Lund

Trish Stratus: The Yeti

Torrie Wilson: Was only wearing a pink slip. Psst. Your slip is showing.

All the girls proceeded to the Mash. It was a graveyard smash. Alexis hit everyone with her foam Tag Team Championship of the Universe belt, which knocked everyone cold. She celebrated briefly until Kurgan (Dressed as Golga) hit her with a chair and stole the belt.


Shawn Michaels (Dressed as Jesus) v. John Cena

Jesus comes prancing out with Reformation Day wishes for Lutherans everywhere. Then he proceeds to nail 95 Fists to John Cena’s face. I stretched the analogy too far there, didn’t I? Geez, what the hell do you want from me? You’ve probably got this match on Tivo or something, right? It’s friggin’ Jesus v. Corey Haim! THE MATCH OF THE CENTURY! But alas, Through Hellfire and Brimstone, it’s Kurt Angle. Kurt runs down to the ring, slides in and takes both men down. He’s going for the Chokeslam on Michaels, when Cena hits him with a snowboard. Cena’s dialing up the sword bashes he learned from Bridget Neilson, but HBK ascends to his feet and hits the Holy Chin Music. Then, Shawn miraculously turns the title belt from the spinning one to the normal one, and, after blessing us all, he floats up into the rafters.

Kane: Do you wanna…go stump for votes or something? Be involved in the main event angle.

Big Show: Nah, man. Main eventing is for squares anyway. Do you want to job to Triple H.

Kane: Not anymore than I already have to.

Big Show: Exactly. Let them fight it out. Who’s the jobberiest of them all? You and me? Midcard tag squashes, baby. I got my WWE Fantasy team all lined up.

Kane: Awesome. I’ll go buy us matching outfits.

Tomorrow Night: Will somebody friggin’ get Shawn the hell down from there? Plus, the Divas struggle to wrestle in their Liquid and Leather costumes. And did somebody say Triple H v. Ric Flair, Coal Miner’s Glove?! What do you mean, “No”?


It’s The Great Sasuke, Charlie Haas!

Lita: What the hell is that?

Edge: It’s a letter to the Great Sasuke. I hear he comes every year on Halloween to give good little workers and Divas new moves and stuff. I can’t wait to meet him!

Lita: There’s no such person as the Great Sasuke…wait…yeah there is. But he’s not going to be in some parking lot waiting to train you, you idiot.

Edge: Yes he is. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

Matt Hardy: Hey, guys! Wanna come to my totally rockin’ Halloween party? We got a haunted volcano in the back! Jeff’s ghost will probably make a guest appearance.

Lita: Don’t we still hate you?

Matt: Will you at least go trick or treating with me?

Lita: I guess. You coming, Edge?

Edge: No way! I’m going to be waiting in the parking lot.

The gang all gathers to go out for candy….

Matt Hardy: Hey, Lita. Nice slut costume.

Lita: Nice…ghost. We didn’t look very far for our costumes, did we?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I ate all my CANDY!

Rey Misterio: We haven’t even gone out yet, man. You just ate your pillow case.

Batista: It tasted like HAIR!

Linda McMahon (dressed as Brock Lesnar): Why hello children, can I interest you in some Gummy Brains? Braaaaaains?

The Gang: Trick or Treat!

Linda: Let me see what I have for you!

Lita: A ketchup packet! Awesome!

Rey: I got an opened can of soup! This is the best Halloween ever!

Matt: I got a rock.

Batista: I got a NICKLE! It was DELICIOUS!

Meanwhile, in the parking lot….

Stacy Keibler (dressed as Slave Leia): What are you doing out here, Edge? Shouldn’t you be trick or treating with the others?

Edge: Nah. I’m here waiting for the Great Sasuke to grant me a moveset. What about you.

Stacy: Oh, I don’t believe in candy.

Edge: Let’s cuddle by my safety briefcase and wait it out!

Stacy: Oh, sorry. I just remembered I have to go have a match on Velocity.

Edge: Hey! You don’t wrestle. You’re gonna miss out. Should be a good one.

Konan: Were my dawgs at, where they at?

Edge: Hey! You’re not the Great Sasuke!

Konan: No, but I am rowdy rowdy and ‘bout it ‘bout it.

Edge: Sigh.

Meanwhile, at the party….

Triple H: Honestly, I just don’t get it. Why in the hell do we keep having these lame ass parties?

Ric Flair: Not getting it? That’s why you’re the champ! WOO!

HHH: Who the hell are you supposed to be? Harley Race?

Flair: I’m Chester A. Arthur! WOO!

Great Sasuke: This party needs more booze. And women.

Rey: Aren’t you supposed to be in a parking lot helping Edge learn how to wrestle?

Saskuke: Hell no. Screw that guy.

Lita: Wanna have crazy costume sex, Matt?

Matt Hardy: No, no. I’m not falling for that again.

Lita: Come on. I promise I won’t kick you in the balls this time.

Matt: Well, Ok.

Matt runs at Lita and she kicks him in the balls.

Lita: Fooled you again, you stupid block head.

Matt: Good grief.

Charlie Haas: I’m not even sure why I’m in the title of this story. It has nothing to do with me! I didn’t even get any candy. Or rocks.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: And there were shepherds abiding in the FIELDS! Keeping watch on their flocks by NIGHT! And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon THEM!, And the glory of the lord shone round about THEM! And they were sore AFRAID! So he Superkicked THEM!

Shawn Michaels: It’s true.

Batista: I want CANDY!

The End…. 


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