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RAW SATIRE    
Olympic Bandstand, with Your Host,
Kurt Angle   

November 8, 2005

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: It was Halloween, and I went dressed up as Kevin Nash. Nobody got it until I tore my quad and faked a heart attack. I’m in a wheelchair, but it was totally worth it. Ric Flair opted for the old standbye, Bloody Chester A. Arthur, and defeated Triple H in a Four Sides of Steel match at Taboo Tuesday. And Taboo Tuesday went down in history as the single greatest PPV ever to feature a Fulfill Your Fantasy match. Will any of your Fantasies be Fulfilled…TONIGHT?!
 
(Opening Credits)

Our announcers for tonight? Jerry “The King” Lawler, Jonathan “The Coach” Coachman, and…Joey “1Wrestling” Styles. I hope he doesn’t shoot on me. Man, actually, it’s nice to hear Joey again. Better than hearing him yell “OH MY GOD!” during a Danny Doring/Chris Chetti match every week, anyway.  

Coach isn't very happy. Aw, Coach, that’s what you get for putting your career in the hands of The Shockmaster and Trevor Murdoch!

Everybody (Suga Shane Helms, Suga Rosey, M.I. Smooth, Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters, Carlito, Shelton Benjamin, Some Ducks, Boobsie, Victoria, Trish, Ashley, Alexis, Maria, Monica, Rachel, Joey, Antonio, Romeo, Mercutio, Edge, Lita, The Fuzz, Sean Cold Val Venis, Eugene, Abe Orton, Bastion Booger, Lance Cade, Trevor Murdoch, Rob Conway, Tim Conway, Tajiri, Viscera, Gay Gobbledygooker, Bi-Gobbledygooker, Some Jobber from Internet Heat, Matt Striker, Fake Sting, Tyson Tomko, The Goatee, Big Show, Kane, Shawn Michaels, Corey Haim) is on the ring apron. Good ring support this week. Conspicuous by their absences are Triple H, Ric Flair, John Cena, the Geese, Goose Gossage, Akeem the African Dream, The American Dream Dusty Rhodes, Johnny Parisi, Danny Basham, Rene Dupree, and Todd Grisham. Take your pick from any one or more of The writers didn’t give a crap/The wrestlers didn’t give a crap/They ran out of space on the ropes/Triple H didn’t want to appear in the same segment as Boobsie/He died/They were eating all the catering/Those were the guys in charge of watching out for Sylvan in case Teddy Long tries anything funny. Honestly, I would have stuck The Fuzz backstage. That guy disturbs me on many levels. Meanwhile, I’m THRILLED to have saved myself a ton of bolding later. My thrill at that, and Master’s new haircut, is short lived however, as here comes Eric Bischoff to explain why everybody is hanging out at ringside maybe. Oh! Oh! Maybe they’re going to have a cake walk!

Eric Bischoff: I know what you’re all thinking, and no, we’re not out here to have a cake walk. No, these are serious times. You see, at Taboo Tuesday, the RAW brand lost not one, not two, but 37 matches to Smackdown. Sometime around Hardcore Holly’s thrilling win over Bi-Gobbledygooker, it struck me that we should have at least won one of those matches. So this past Sunday, I waltzed right into Smackdown and challenged Teddy Long to a Survivor Series match where I’m sure at least one of these terrible people will score a pinfall.

Shawn Michaels: Uh…far be it from me to challenge anything about what you just said right then, but…How the hell could you have known on Sunday that you would have needed to go to the Smackdown tapings so that you could challenge Teddy Long to a match.

Bischoff: Uh…Guh. Um…Well, you see…Voice of the Undertaker, take it away!

The Voice of the Undertaker: I can’t. I’m dead.

Bischoff: Yipes!

Voice of Taker: Ah, hell. Come on, man. Smackdown doesn’t air until Friday, so you would have had plenty of time in between then and…then to challenge Teddy Long to a match inside a jam packed arena. Then, Kevin Dunn would edit that in to the broadcast.

Bischoff: See? I knew it made sense. Well, anywho, the team is gonna go like this. Shawn Michaels is the captain….

HBK: Aw man. I was hopping I could take Survivor Series off this year.

Bischoff: And his chief lieutenants will be Big Show and Kane.

Big Show: Oh. What a surprise. Having a crappy match with lots of people? Call on Big Show and Kane. Greaaaaaaat.

Kane: Speak for yourself, man. They don’t even HAVE five people on Smackdown, do they? Plus, didn’t you beat, like, a whole Survivor Series team by yourself one year?

Show: Yeah, but that team consisted of Bossman and maybe…Bart Gunn or something that year. I think Mideon was in that match. MIDEON!

Viscera: Man, I was in that match!

Show: See what I mean? It’s nothing to be proud of.

Viscera: HEY!

Bischoff: Now, I’ve got two empty spots! Who wants ‘em?!

Aw…it’s so cute to see guys like Striker and Romeo waving their hands. Poor guys.

Bischoff: Carlito? Why don’t you say why you should be the guy?

Carlito: Well, now with Jericho and Chris Tian gone, I don’t have any reason to do the Cabana anymore, and that’s not cool. I mean, that was the only way I was staying over! Now I’ve got to do something else, and if wrestling it must be, then I’d rather do it in a tag match where I can sit on the apron most of the match than anywhere else!

Bischoff: That was…rousing. Anybody else?

Shelton Benjamin: What you need is someone who their ain’t no stoppin’…NAH!

Bischoff: No good. I already booked Cena in a title match.

Benjamin: No! Me!

Bischoff: What’s you’re role going to be? Guy who jobs to Bob Holly?

Benjamin: I dunno. I guess.

Bischoff: Man, after Kane there really is a drop off isn’t there. Well, I guess you two can fight it out for the coveted “first one out of the match” spot.

Benjamin: Yes!

Trevor Murdoch: What about me and Je…I mean Cade? Can’t we have a tag team title match?

Bischoff: Eh, sure. Why the hell not. We’ll do that tonight.

Murdoch: Good. Because you’ll never forget the name of fffffffffffffffffpt…Murdoch.

Lance Cade: Would you knock that off?

Bischoff: Well, this has turned into pointless promo hour…anybody else want some mic time? Boobsie? Val?

Suga Shane Helms: I’d like to take this time to challenge Rosey to a Dance off!

Suga Rosey: You bettah bring it!

Suga Shane: I’m gonna bring it so hard you’ll hardly know what I’ve broughten.

Rosey: Oh no you didn’t!

Bischoff: Anybody else? Fresh off of Heat and dying for mic time?

Canadian Bulldog: I can’t believe I agreed to take over this show next week. Look at this. All you guys suck!

Bischoff: Bastion Booger’s back! Fantastic. Remind me to book you in a title match, man.

Alexis Laree: I’d like to congratulate Trish on showing that she can outwrestle anybody when it comes to tittie matches.

Bischoff: Wonderful. Congratulations Trish on having tits. All right, I’m just going to wrap things up here….

Matt Striker: No! Wait! I’ve got the best promo in the history of the business right here!

Bischoff: Edge and Lita if you’ll come in the ring please.

Striker: Dammit. Now I’ve got to do it on Heat where the only person who’ll listen is Todd, and Todd won’t care. Sigh.

Bischoff: Edge and Lita, you’ve been charged with the crime of not giving a crap about RAW, how do you plead?

Edge: Eric, really. Do you even give a crap about RAW?

Bischoff: All right, no. But you forced me to watch another friggin’ Abe Orton match. I don’t care HOW hurt you are. Nothing can excuse that.

Edge: Oh. That. Right. Sorry.

Abe Orton: Nobody loves me! WAAAAH!

Bischoff: For that offense, I’m banishing you to Smackdown for a week to think about what you’ve done!

Edge: But…but…nobody watches Smackdown! I’ll be ruined! Can a girl get a salad here or what?

Lita: Give it up, sweetie.

Then, for no reason, the crowd breaks out into a rousing chorus of “More than Words” by Extreme. More than words to show you feel, That your love for me is real.…

(ads)

Shelton Benjamin v. Carlito Caribbean Cool

Coach and Lawler bicker for a while about what number Survivor Series this is. Both settle on the 155th Annual. What a storied history! Though true wrestling historians would agree that the Allies v. Axis: Hoedown in Hamburg PPV doesn’t really count. Carlito will hopefully use his time off from the Cabana to learn a finisher. I’m not suggesting anything grand or anything. Didn’t he learn the Sitout Powerbomb down in OVW? Anyway, for a few seconds of offense, it seems Shelton’s claims of nobody stopping him…NAH! are well founded, but alas, it is not to be. Carlito wins with a…Roll-up. Oh forget it.

Backstage, Alexis is excitedly exiting the women’s locker room. Trish doesn’t seem too thrilled.

Trish Stratus: I’m just saying that the pink running lights may be overdoing it a little.

Alexis Laree: Well, it’s pink because we’re GIRLS!

Trish: I get it, but doesn’t that mean that we have to rip them out and reinstall them in every arena we go to?

Alexis: Nah, we’ll just keep installing them until every arena in the country has pink running lights.

Trish: Here’s something that’s always bothered me. If the women all hate each other, how can we share one locker room? Wouldn’t it be non-stop cat fights and clothes ripping?

Alexis: Enough with the damn pointing out of the show’s inconsistencies, ok? It’s WRESTLING! NOTHING MAKES SENSE! Now let’s go make like some Carolina Panthers Cheerleaders!

Trish: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Alexis: Too topical?

Austin: I’m not back or nothin’. I just wanted to know if I could watch.

Trish: Let’s just go have our match.

Alexis: Damn. What a tight ass. I know Ashley would be down for a little box lunch.

William Regal: I say! I do believe I’ve popped my monocle!

Trish: What’s he doing here?

Regal: Invading from Smackdown. Nice…veggie plate you have here.

(ads, Ever wanted to own the Owen Hart vs. Skinner classic from WrestleMania 8 on DVD?! NOW YOU CAN!)

Trish Stratus and Alexis Laree v. Victoria and Boobsie McTitsalot

Boobsie’s outfit consists of her ass hanging out of a pair of something that’s not quite a pair of pants. Alexis spends most of her time on offense for her team which is nice. It’s almost like the women are trying to create a whole division all for themselves! Unfortunately, they don’t have a Super Porky to carry it for them, because they cut Nidia months ago. I’m kidding! I’m kidding! I never once saw Nidia eat a whole ham. Just half of it. And three turkey legs. And a pie. But never a whole ham. The finish comes when Candice throws a magic wand to Victoria, who tries to use it to turn Trish Stratus into a frog, but Alexis jumps into the way and becomes frogersized instead. Victoria wins. Join us next week when Harry Potter comes in to turn her back, only to have to fight off Lord Triple H in the main event. I LOVE movie tie-in weeks! Sadly, Joey did NOT hit “CATFIIIIIIIIGHT!” at any point. For shame!

(ads)

Here’s some highlights from Taboo Tuesday. Hey, don’t blame me. I voted for Kodos.

Kane and Show are backstage discussing strategy!

Kane: No, no. I like to use a light coating of lemon juice. I really think that brings out the flavor in the avocados.

Big Show: Man, I don’t know. Lemon juice on my chili? Forget about it, man. That’s like putting lime in your Corona.

Kane: No! Don’t tell me you’ve never limed!

Show: I’m closed minded about my drinks.

Kane: Agh! You’ve never lived until you’ve limed. Oh, I’ve got a great recipe for a little drink I like to call “The Pink Lady.” It’s got strawberries and vodka, and it’s just to DIE FOR! You’re gonna love it.

Show starts convulsing.

Kane: You alright?

Show: Yeah. I think I just stepped on an exposed wire from this camera here.

Kane: Oh. Hey. A camera. Uh…let’s go out there and rip their spines off, eh, Show?

Show: Yeah! Harumph!

Elsewhere….

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters: Avacado Chili with Lemon? Amateurs. Any good chef knows you use a white wine sauce to compliment Avacado Chili.

(ads)

Suga Rosey v. Suga Shane Helms
In a Dance-Off

So then Rosey was all like, “Bring it!” And Shane was all like, Oh, “I’m gonna bring it!” And Rosey is all like, “Check out these fresh kicks.” And then he spun around on his nose for five minutes. And Shane was all like, “Oh no you didn’t!” And then Shane flopped around the ring, so Rosey was all, “Bitch, please!” And Rosey started grinding the turnbuckle. And Shane was like, “Oh, Snap!” So then he ran over and kicked Rosey in the back of the head. Then he did the Thee Count dance. Rosey just got served.

Cade and Murdoch are shopping at Target. Buy me a bag of discounted Halloween candy, will you?

(ads)

Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch v. Big Show and Kane
Hardcore Match for the WWE Tag Team Titles

Joey Styles rightfully points out that ECW never would have died had it just had a little more Kane. Not even that much more either. Just a little. The guys spend the first seventeen minutes of the match trading kendo stick shots. Cade hits Show with the NWA title. Murdoch tries to kick Show in the balls, but Kane puts a Trash can on him and that’s pretty much that. Nobody gets out of the trash can. Not even Triple H. Cade tried to escape, but Show and Kane carelessly throw him through the announce table, ruining Style’s can of…is that Diet Rite?! Whatever, Joey. They do a replay. “OH MY GOD! They just chokeslammed Jeff Jarrett right through my can of Diet Rite!”

(ads)

It’s time for the main event? WOAH! 45 minute Chris Masters match! YES! Finally he can showcase his wrestling talent. Angle has a mic. Man…more talking.

Kurt Angle: I’d like to try something new with my entrance. I’m going to come back out here and you can chant something other than, “You Suck.” Because seriously, guys. The year 2000 called, and they said you guys should shut up. So I want you guys to pick new music for me. Go with whatever your heart compels you to go with. Just…no Cher. Ok, guys?

Angle comes back out and the crowd chants the lyrics to “Pinball Wizard”.

Angle: Ok, I’m not sure we quite got the gist of that. I mean, seriously guys. I didn’t come back from three neck surgeries to job to John Cena and do a pinball gimmick. So let’s try this again.

Angle reenters the arena, where the crowd is now politely humming 1996 pop hit “Barely Breathing.”

Angle: I’m not even sure where you’re going with this. I’m going to come out one more time, and you guys better have selected some friggin’ awesome ass music for me. My wife didn’t leave me so I could come out to friggin’ Duncan Sheik, ok? Hardcore! Something with edge! You kids all know rap music. Come up with a Kurt Angle Rap.

Go Ninja Go Ninja Go! Lyrics fill in the gap! Drop that bass and get the Ninja Rap!

Angle: I…uh…I’ve got to go lay down for another half hour.

What? I like the Ninja Rap. Choose your weapon but don’t slip! Vanilla’s in control with the flex of the mic grip! Go Angle! Go Angle! Go! GO! GO! GO! Ooooooh…He’s mad because that’s to close to Victoria’s music. Sorry Kurt. Styles notes that he hasn’t seen Angle so mad since the Jews crucified Sandman.

(ads)

Bischoff is mighty ticked off….

Eric Bischoff: What, You’re too good for The Who?

Kurt Angle: Pinball Wizard? That doesn’t even make any sense! This crowd has terrible taste in theme music.

Bischoff: So…are you going to be ready for the main event?

Angle: As soon as I have some new theme music. And a guest referee.

Bischoff: When did you turn into a whiny ass? Man, I wonder if Teddy Long would trade some of them midgets for you.

Angle: What was that?

Bischoff: Eh. Nothing. Not like he would have parted with Super Porky anyway.

Triple H has his own chair on the entryway. Isn’t that the same chair Stephanie used to straddle him in? This is the entire segment. I guess Hunter sitting in a chair is TOO HOT FOR WWE.COM!

(ads)

Rob Conway v. Ric Flair
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Woah. WWE just blew my mind. If the main event was supposed to go 45 minutes then…how did they book this match?! I mean it’s like…they knew Kurt was going to throw a hissy fit about his music. Rob Conway seems equally confused, as he forgoes his foray into the world of Orton this week, and immediately jobs to the Figure Four. Triple H runs down to the ring with a chain, and he and Flair have the most awkward staredown ever, during which Hunter suggestively strokes his mustache while Flair begs off. Then Michael Hayes runs down to break it up. Match of the year.

(ads)

Lita is in the Bischoffice begging not to have to go with Edge to Smackdown.

Lita: Look, I’ve never liked the guy anyway. Can’t I just stay here and…I don’t know. Dance around with Boobsie until this whole RAW v. Smackdown thing blows over?

Eric Bischoff: Sorry, no can do. We promised UPN a slutty whore for Sweeps, and sadly, you’re the sluttiest whore we could find.

Lita: Oh yeah? Well, maybe these will change your mind? Huh? Bow to the boobies!

Bischoff: Look, put those away. I’m not fazed by your tits. Honey, I’m Eric Bischoff. I’ve slept with women so slutty, they’d make you say, “Damn that bitch is slutty!” I mean, random tits have kind of lost their appeal for me. Thanks though.

Lita: You’re sure?

Bischoff: Seriously. The donkeys don’t even get me off anymore. Even the penguins are starting to lose their appeal.

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters and Kurt Angle v. Shawn Michaels and John Cena

Kurt Angle’s music is now a techno remix of Falco’s classic “Der Kommisar.” Well…it could use some work, but I like it anyway. Somebody at USA doesn’t like it though as they keep cutting off the audio. Everybody’s a critic. His guest referee however?

Alaylelalaylelaoooooohoooh!

STING! YES! Oh. Wait. It’s just WWE RAW Referee Khosrow Daivari. Dammit. And I just let myself forget how to spell that too. I was kind of hoping for WWE RAW Referee M-M-M-M-Mike Chioda but if wishes were horses, then I’d have horse crap all over my living room. Daivari calls for the match to start which makes this a GREAT time for some….

(ads)

Iceman, you know I’m not playin’! Devastate the show while the Turtles are sayin, “Ninja! Ninja! Rap!” Sorry. Cena is in the corner playing Bayou Billy while Masters and Michaels rock the world in the ring. I’ve gotta say, Daivari is probably the best evil ref we’ve had in a long time. He’s the only guy who will dare enforce the No Prancing rule against Shawn Michaels. His prancing cut to a minimum, Shawn is helpless to stop Master’s awesome onslaught. During the commercial, on WWE Unlimited? It was an Online Onslaught. Just thought I’d mention that. Angle goes and gets a chair so that he can watch Cena try to tame the wild bayou, when he suddenly points out that Cena has a Game Genie! Cena’s been Disqualified for cheating! Oh, come on! You can’t beat Bayou Billy without a little cheating. Angle, Masters and Daivari celebrate by taking turns hitting Cena with a Genisis. Michaels looks on in stunned disbelief, until he realizes that the match is over, and he prances out of the arena.

Next Week: John Cena challenges Angle to a game of Super Dodgeball for the WWE Title, with Daivari and Michaels working as cornermen. Ric Flair eats a bowl of spaghetti only to be shocked and angered to find that Triple H has been eating the other end the whole time! Plus, I’m going to be AT the show (which is taping on Sunday so that the WWE can go tour Iceland or something), so Cambodian Bullfrog is going to be coming out of the bullpen to deliver another amazing Satire that makes me ashamed to be a man.

Until Two Weeks From Now…EVERYBODY DANCE! 

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
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RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
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RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
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RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
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RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
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RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
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RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
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RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
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RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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