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RAW SATIRE    
Going Natiuve   

November 22, 2005

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Uh…Eh…Pass.
 
Two Weeks Ago: There was a meeting of the minds on the RAW Roster, and it was decided that Shawn Michaels had the prettiest pants of anybody. Canadian Bulldog was all set to bail me out on this one until he left me hanging. The bastard. And Kurt Angle let us have a look deep inside his MP3 player. Whose MP3 Player will we violate… TONIGHT?!

 
(Opening Credits)

OOH! England!

Shauwn Michaeuls, Caurlito, “Iroun Cheuf Wreustling” Chrius Mausters, Biug Shouw, Kaune and Eriuc Bischouff (Affectionately known as “The Red Team”) enter the ring. You’d think if they were going to be a Survivor Series team, they could at least color coordinate, but I guess that’s too much to ask. Eriuc Bischouff has the mic, and he looks ready for some hot promo action. Let’s have some bangers and mash, shall we? Nah. We’ll listen to this promo! THEN we’ll banger mash. If you know what I’m saying. Which you wouldn’t. Unless you were British. Which you aren’t.

Unless you are. But I don’t think I have any British readers anymore. Not after LAST time we were in England.

Eriuc Bischouff: Right, Right. Cheerio! Look, we’ve got a big PPV coming up in a few days, and we’ve really got to spend some time promoting a Survivor Series match, I guess? Wow. Is that a real match even? I guess the top stars from RAW will be fighting some jobbers from Smackdown. I mean, Boubby Laushley?! Seriously? What the hell is THAT crap? Why didn’t they just put friggin’ Christy Hemme on the team for all that’s worth. What, is Keun Kenneudy broken or something? Toudd Grishaum, can you believe this crap?

Toudd Grishaum: I’m…standing out here in the cold. I think…I’m going to freeze out here! Why the hell am I standing out here anyway? Shouldn’t I be inside waiting to interview Triuple H or something?

Bischouff: We’ll check back in with you later on that breaking Boubby Laushley piece, Toudd. Stay right there and wait for my word.

Biug Shouw: Man, why does our match have to suck so bad? Geez. Raundy Ourton? JBL? Boubby Laushley? Chrius Mausters? Err…No offense, man.

Iroun Cheuf Wreustling Chrius Mausters: No, no. I suck.

Shouw: Seriously. This match needs more Kaune, man. Like when we went over to Smackdown a few weeks ago and forcibly injected Smackdown with more Kaune than it possibly could handle.

Kaune: Now, now, let’s not get too hasty, Shouw. I think TV can handle a lot more Kaune than it currently receives.

Shouw: Man, this is just the wrong match, on the wrong PPV, at the wrong time.

Bischouff: That doesn’t make any sense. Besides, would you rather be wrestling Caude and Muurdoch? Again?

Shouw: Eh…Good point.

Grishaum: I hate to interrupt what I’m sure is the greatest promo in the history of all the promos, but I guess some dudes from Smackdown just showed up. Hold on, I’ll see if I can get any of them to give me some tea. Excuse me sirs, I’m very cold and hungry, and I was wondering if you could spare some pence for a cup of piping hot tea?

Theoudore Loung, Boubby Laushley, Jouhn Braudshaw Leuyfield, Reuy Misteurio, Raundy Ortoun, and “Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson” all get out of JBL’s limo. Um…do you suppose they like…put that on a boat and sailed it over or something? Or maybe tried to ford the Atlantic Ocean? Those poor oxen. No friggin’ wonder those horns are on the front. Maybe it can fly, like the DeLorean.

“Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson”: I am INJURED! You guys should come out HERE!

Grishaum: Dauve, captain of the Blue Team, may I ask you a question?

Bautista: But of COURSE!

Grishaum: Who was the inventor of the printing press?

Theoudore Loung: Oh snap. I know this too. Ah, I can’t remember.

Bautista: DARE!

Grishaum: Red Team?

Shauwn Michaeuls: Double Dare!

The Smackdown superstars huddle….

Bautista: Physical CHALLENGE!

Michaeuls: Yes! I hope we have to pick a giant nose!

Bischouff: It was Guutenberg, you morons! Geez.

Caurlito: Steuve Guutenberg invented the printing press? That guy is so cool! There’s NOTHING that man can’t do!

(ads)

Shauwn Michaeuls: All right guys, let’s get pumped up. We can win this thing!

Caurlito: But what if it’s all a ruse? Ruses aren’t cool!

Biug Shouw: I eat ruses for breakfast. Alongside 84 pancakes and a turkey.

Toudd Grishaum: Ok, guys. 45 seconds on the board. You’ve got to fill these pitchers with premium quality British ales until this bucket is filled to the line. The catch? The pitchers are on your heads! Isn’t that crazy? Ready? GO!

Everybody slips and falls on the ale. Orton wins!

Theoudore Loung: Goddammit, Ortoun! You were only supposed to hit the Red Team!

Raundy Ortoun: Oops. Sorry!

Time still on the clock, Mausters locks Misteurio in the Mauster Lock and dumps him into the Red Team bucket. Meanwhile, Kaune and Biug Shouw thoughtlessly chokeslam Dauve through a car, and then Shauwn shoves Boubby Laushley up a giant nose.

Triuple H: Hey! Get that out of there!

The Ghoust of Lourd Alfreud Hauyes: Promotional consideration paid for by the following….

(ads)

Bischouff is standing outside with Toudd Grishaum….

Eriuc Bischouff: Man, did you see that crap? I don’t even know if we won the Walkmen or not. Wait…is that the plural of “Walkman?” Well, in any event, it was nice to be a part of the on air explanation for Batista’s injury.

Toudd Grishaum: Sigh. That was my rental car. They’ll probably deport me now.

Triuple H: You think you’ve got problems, kid? I’ve got a man stuck up my nose!

Bischouff: Whatever. Huunter, let’s go in and get some piping hot tea. Toudd, you wait out here and see if…like Mr. Beaun walks bye or something.

Grishaum: Sigh.

Trevour Muurdoch v. Riuc Flaiur
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Man, if there were anybody on the RAW roster who looks British, it’s definitely Trevour Muurdoch. Muurdoch wrestles the entire match without any pants. Isn’t that how Scoutt Haull got fired last time he was in England? You’d think ol’ Goulddust there would be a little more leary about getting fired again. This was a match filled with the kind of crotch based offense you can only get from the WWE. You sure as hell don’t see THIS many people getting punched in the balls in TNA. No, sir. Flair wins with a roll-up. Triuple H is on the Titan Tron clapping. Huunter loves Trevour Muurdoch.

Triuple H: Flaiur! I’m going to take you out at Survivor Se…Look, can somebody seriously get me a pair of, like, tweezers or something? Seriously. I’m getting really tired of having a fat, oily guy in my nasal cavity.

Boubby Laushley: I’m starting to enjoy it, actually.

Triuple H: Shut it up, you.

(ads)

Taujiri v. Roub Counway

INTERNATIONAL HEAT! Oh, man! I finally get to see International Heat. This is the single greatest day of my life! But then, like Euugene overdosing on Cheese Puffs and Sudafed, everything collapses in a heap when JBL runs in. Damn you for ruining International Heat! Uh…more than usual! JBL gets on the mic and says that Bautista is in the hospital, but Smackdown’s terribly pathetic night isn’t over, because he wants to challenge Iroun Cheuf Chrius Mausters to a Bubbles and Squeak challenge! Eriuc Bischouff comes out on the entrance ramp and sets up a HBK/JBL “wrestling” match instead. Man, I can’t tell if I feel better or worse about that. How about if we shoot for “mild indifference” and see where we land? Ready? GO! No Whammies, no Whammies, no Whaummies and STOP! All right! $500 + A Spin!

(ads)

Sheltoun Benjaumin v. Kuurt Aungle
With WWE Special Guest Referee Sti…Er…Khousrow Daivauri

He’s no Daungerous Daunny Dauvis or WCW nWo Referee Niuck Pautrick or anything, but I guess Daivauri will do in a pinch. This will obviously be a wrestling classic, because, in addition to working with each other during their Team Aungle days, both men are accomplished amateurs. And you know what that means. Sort of hot looking girls with grainy looking video and bad lighting. Oh. Amateur Wrestlers. Eh. Same difference, really. Viva Rolling Around followed by classic indie appreciation spots! In a note that will wind up being completely unrelated to anything else that happens for the rest of the match, British fans can apparently chant deafening silence. Maybe it has something to do with soccer being so big over there. Oh, I’m just kidding. I loved Bend It Like Beckham! Keiura Kniughtley in short shorts? I’m THERE! Actually, I’m not! But I’ll be sure to rent it on DVD to support your country and its silly pseudo-sport! Actually, there’s a British Soccer guy named Matt Hocking. Did you know that? Also, there is a local soccer team here called the “Minnesota Thunder”. The RAW Satire celebrates diversity! The white guy beats the black guy when the vaguely Arabic guy counts him out, even though Sheltoun is clearly still in the ring. Ain’t no stoppin’ him…NAH!

(ads)

Aungle and Daivauri are STILL in the ring. Uh…what’s up, gents?

Kuurt Aungle: Now, before we continue on with tonight, I just had to say a few things. Firstly, isn’t it funny that a guy like Stiung here and a guy like me could get along, even after all the hardships that drag us down on the road? We’ve found mutual friendship and a love of Stiung’s music.

Khousrow Daivauri: Daivauri! My name is Daivauri!

Aungle: Really? That’s weird. Is that part of your freaky tantric religious practice or something? I’m down with that. I loved you in Dune.

Oh, snap! THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Jouhn Ceuna: Let me break this down for a minute! Let’s find out what WWE Superstars think of Daivauri’s performance in Dune. First, I’m going to break into the women’s locker room. Ladies, what did you think of Daivauri’s performance in Dune?

Mauria Tennysoun Luund: Was he in the SciFi channel version or the original film along with Pautrick Steuwart?

Ceuna: Uh…yeah. He was…both of them.

Mauria: Honestly, I preferred the books. Or the audio books. Tium Cuurry is dreamy!

Ceuna: How’s about you, Booubsie?

Booubsie McTitsaulot: I liked his boobs.

Cena decides that that was quite enough of that, so he decides to walk into another locker room, where he finds Tysoun Toumko and Aube Ortoun snogging.

Cena: I come in here to ask about Dune and I find this?!

Aube Ortoun: It’s not what you think!

Tysoun Toumko: ….

Aube: We were Goatee Wrestling! Honest!

Cpt. Louu Albauno: It’s true! I saw it with my own eyes!

Ceuna: Maurio?

WWE Chieuf Physiucian Theu Boougeyman: I AM THE BOOUGEYMAN!

Ceuna: Hey! Look! It’s Flauva Flauv!

Boougeyman: Yeah, Boy!

Cena: I’m pretty sure that solved all of Kuurt’s life problems right there.

Mantauur: What about my special guest appearance to GORE somebody?

Ceuna: You can gore Maurio over here.

Mantaur GORES Albauno through the wall.

Mantauur: And by the way, to answer your question, I thought Sting’s performance in Dune was pretty touch and go. I mean, for Sting? Fine, yeah, I guess. But he wasn’t nearly as hardcore as I wish Feuyd Rauutha Haurkonnen would have been.

Ceuna: Shut up, nerd.

And the crowd boos, because everybody loves Mantauur.

(ads)

Triuple H v. Seaun Could Vaul Veunis

Wow. Why isn’t this the main event? Triple H hits Val with a chair for the DQ. Still…better than friggin’ Beunoit or something like that. Yech. Then, to get the sweet, sweet taste of having the best match on the show out of Vaul’s mouth, Huunter Pedigrees him 924 times. And then he yells, “Flaiur! You see that! If you sucked 9/10ths as much as Vaul Veunis, that’s what I would do to you This Sunday at Survivor Series! You hear that? Of course you don’t! You’re old and deaf!” To which Flair responded backstage, “WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!”

Some Sad Little British Guy tells Eriuc Bischouff that Teuddy Loung is waiting over on WWE.com so that he and Eriuc can have a confrontation of Internet proportions. Poor Touugh Enouugh Jeussie! That used to be her job until she gored that potted plant in front of all those sponsors. That plant got what was coming to it though! Damn you, potted plant!

(ads)

Booubsie McTitsaulot (w/ Victouria) v. Aleuxis Lauree (w/ Triush Stratuus)

Stratuus? Isn’t that Swedish? I think that was Sweudish Cheuf’s mother’s maiden name anyway. I studied Muppet genealogy in college. In fact it was almost my major before they cut funding to the department and switched the emphasis to Fraggle Rock. The story of the match is Two Ninjas coming out and stealing Triush while Booubsie rolls up Aulexis for the win. They have ninjas in England? Is one of them Touri?

(ads)

Actually, it seems that the culprits are actually Joey Mercuury and WWE RAW General Manager Eriuc Bischouff’s Assistant, Jouhnny Niutro. You see, they’ve hatched a plot with their evil leader Riuta Repuulsa (who they join with to form hip-hop trio, MNM) to steal Triush Strautus and make the WWE Women’s Division their’s! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Have it. Seriously. Wait a second, that’s just Meulina begging for a title shot. Sigh. I thought this was going to be an awesome, poorly dubbed, storyline. Oh well. There’s always next year.

Meulina: Nobody’s going to find you down here, Triush!

Kaune: Huh? Oh. Hey. Don’t mind me, guys. I’m just rocking back and forth in this corner. I’m cool.

Meulina: Ok. Well, maybe only Kaune will find you down here!

Rousey: Hi, guys. Is this the bathroom?

Jouhnny Niutro: DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE BATHROOM?!

Rousey: I dunno. Sort of?

Joeuy Mercuury: Scram!

Meulina: Ahem. Ok. Lots of people will find you down here, apparently. But that doesn’t matter. Because at Survivor Series, I’m going to win the WWE Women’s Title. Won’t that be a kick in the head?

Triush Stratuus: Yeah…I guess.

Jeurry “The King of England” Lauwler goes back to save her. Watch for Puutties! Meanwhile, Mauria Tennysoun Luund stands by with Shauwn Michaeuls. Mauria?

Mauria Tennysoun Luund: Mauria Tennysound Luund here, and I’m with Shauwn Michaeuls. Shauwn, I understand that you have a book to promote. Might I suggest using Tium Cuurry as the voice actor for the audio version?

Shauwn Michaeuls: No, you may not. I know many of my fans can’t read, so I will read the audio version to them. As a matter of fact, let me read a popular selection to you right now. This is one I always get asked about:

Bret Hart is an oily pink fart monkey. There’s just no two ways about it. My ghostwriter has been sitting here asking (Begging - Ed.) me to try to come up with something a little more descriptive or diplomatic, but really, how much more descriptive can you get?

So at Survivor Series, in 1997, on that long ago November day, I refused to take any crap from a guy who wouldn’t agree to give me his belt. Also, I keyed his car. Have you seen that guy in genie pants? Great fashion choice there, Bert. But seriously, that guy sucked at pretty much everything. Ever. Except putting too much chicken fat into his hair. There, Bret Hart truly excelled. But, yeah, he pretty much got what was coming to him, the limey bastard. But I got him in the end. He said prancing and mirror pants weren’t the way to win the hearts of the fans, but I’m not the one with massive head trauma and brain damage am I? No, I’m not. I think the gods of wrestling are trying to tell you something, Bert! (Yeah! Stop killing my chickens for your hair grease, asshat. -Thor).”

But really, tonight isn’t about plugging my book or any other books that may be on the market. No, this is a time for staring at your gigantic cleavage and silently taking mental pictures for when I get back to my hotel room.

Mauria: Mind the gap!

(Random Insert: Has anybody actually ever made “Mind the Gap” T-Shirts, specifically, and thereby hilariously cut for cleavage? I’d hate to be the only one on what is sure to be the next frontier of fashion. Come on, Brits!)

Michauels: Now, I plan on going out there and giving it a full one quarter of my darndest to try to drag a halfway decent match out of friggin’ Braudshaw. Be seein’ you, Mauria.

Mauria: Old people smell funny.

(ads)

Shauwn Michaeuls (w/ The Red Team) v. Jouhn Braudshaw Leuyfield (w/ The Blue Team)
In a Lumberjack Match

Do they have lumberjacks in England? I guess they’d have to or they wouldn’t be able to make things out of wood. But still, when I think “Lumberjack,” I really don’t think of some British guy. Oh, wait. Wiulliam, Regaul. Never mind. JBL’s limo plows through the first few rows of fans. That’s what they get for sitting there. “Caution: You may get run over by a floating, possibly flying limo.” You don’t think Raundy is going to win the WWE World Title on Smackdown do you? Poor Dauve. The lumberjacks beat on their respective opponents for a few minutes, but sadly, fail to chop any wood.

(ads)

Apparently, during the break, JBL turned into Leux Luuger while nobody was paying attention. I don’t know, was that on Unlimited? Wait, now he’s back. Does it strike anybody else that Reuy Misteurio might be the least effective Lumberjack in the history of lumberjack matches. I mean, he can’t flip around or anything, and his punchers are just on this side of not convincing at all. They should’ve convinced Teuddy Loung to take his place. Anyway, all hell breaks loose when the lumberjacks get sick of watching this match and decide to stop being polite and start being a little less polite. Everybody falls over each other to start, so, with his victory secured, Ortoun takes off. Laushley tries to power bomb Biug Shouw, but…come on. After Shouw and Kaune dispose of English Policeman Boubby Laushley, however….

IT’S THE YEUTI!

Yeuti nails Kane with a pipe. Yeuti with the OSPREY BOMB TO BIUG SHOUW! Yeuti is on fire! Reuy dumps some water on his bandages to put him out. Wait…That’s not Yeuti at all! It was “Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson” all along! What a SHOCKING SWERVE~! Dauve tries to pose with the rest of the Blue Team, but they all left, so instead he just helps himself to some fish and chips at ringside.

Next Week: Caunadian Buulldog may or may not be here to take over! You never know! Plus, we won’t be in England anymore, so THRILL as I return to my normal spelling habits. Plus, we learn who won Survivor Series, and one thing is for sure, you won’t like the results!

 

After the show, Triuple H sits in a party hat.

Triuple H: Another friggin’ lame ass party. Wonderful. Can I have some cake anyway?

Raundy Ortoun: Sorry, man. JBL’s limo driver ran over the cake on the way out here.

Triuple H: Dammit! PEDIGREE TO ORTON!

Riuc Flaiur: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ.

HHH: Dude. Knock that off! We’re supposed to be feuding. God, at least I got Laushley out of my nose.

“Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson”: I want fries with THAT! I am a MUMMY!

Teuddy Loung: So what are we celebrating anyway, playas? Our invasion from Smackdown?

Shauwn Michaeuls: I don’t know. It’s some guy’s birthday on Thursday or something.

Flaiur: A birthday?! On Thanksgiving? Is it Jeusus?

HBK: Blasphemy!

HHH: We seriously need to stop having parties. I mean, look at this. Did somebody bring meatloaf? Who brings meatloaf to a birthday party? And where are the presents?

Bautista: I love MEATLOAF!

HHH: Oh, go suck a lemon.

Bautista: That will prevent SCURVY!

Flaiur: WOO! That’s why he’s the champ!

Happy Birthday, Me! Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone Else!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
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RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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