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RAW SATIRE INSIDE THE ROPES    
Astrology and Assault  

December 1, 2005

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Murphy Brown! I’m going to take this ball, put my fingers in it, throw it down this long strip of oily wood and try to hit those white things down there, because THAT is how I bowl!"
      
-The Christian’s Cage to "Alphabet Male"
              Murphy Brown
, during a safari on the
           Serengeti, 11/21/05
 

 
Hello everyone and WELCOME TO ECW! Er…I mean, Hello and WELCOME TO ANOTHER JAM PACKED edition of Inside the Ropes! Well, I guess Cambodian Bullfrog is on the lamb from the evil alien mutants who have deposed his government and thrown Canada into a state of anarchy. No doubt they’ll blame the Americans who left the country to escape Bush. Don’t blame me, man. I 

voted for Hacksaw Jim Duggan. HOOOO! I’m your guest reporter, the fashion king of the world, and the Legend of Radio Disco, Matt Hocking. Let’s get to it, shall we?

Poll Question: Who will be the next NWA: T&A (National Wrestling Alliance: Tits and Ass) Triple X Division Champion?

A) Gay Porn Star B.J. Styles
B) Samoan Joe
C) SHNITSKY
D) Chris Masterpiece
E) Yes

Here are the results of the last poll:

What was the most shocking J.O.B. last month? (With a record-setting 359 votes cast, probably all by the same person)

The Christian, to unemployment (2 %)
JR's Ass, to Vince MacMahon (20 %)
Biggie Van Vader, to gravity (27 %)
Triple HHH to Val Venus (house show) (36 %)
Yes (14 %)

Now? For some news!

Mean Eugene Takes a Bite out of Some Pills!

You can’t feel bad for poor Mean Eugene. The wrestler, whose mental handicap causes him to emulate his favorite wrestlers, tried to one up his idol Jake “The Lizard King” Robertson by going on a alcohol, coke and pill fueled romp through Southern England last week. He was found hanging upside down from the minute hand on Big Ben sometime shortly after 3:20 a.m. GMT, by his former handler William Royal, singing Divinyls hit, “I Touch Myself.” This incident caused WWF Chairman Vinnie Max to immediately go on WWF.com and issue a statement saying that drugs are bad, and that people shouldn’t try to take advantage of poor Eugene. This message was very well received by OO’s own PyroFalkon, who is the only person to give a crap about WWF.com.

Top Selling Wrestling Books from 10 Minutes Ago According to Amazonian.com!

1. Screw You, Bret! by "Heartburn Kid" Sean McMichaels

2. Needs More Kane: The True Story of The Greatest Wrestler in the History of Our Great Sport by M. Tony Schiavone

3. When I Think About You, I Cut Myself, by Ricky Flare

4. Can You Believe Wrestling Is THIS Shitty? by “Real Deal” Reynolds

5. Fuck You, Shawn by Bret Heart

6. Tuesdays with Torrie by Billy The Kid Sized Man

7. I Can’t Believe I Wrote This Crap Scooter McKeith

8. The Untitled “Tennessee” Jeb Lund Novella by “Tennessee” Maria Lund

9. Rollin’ Up a Fatty by The Dog Father

10. Scooter McKeith by Mike Farley.

Not Listed: Thanks for the Compliment: Canadian Bulldogs Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!! by Dave Meltzer

To Be the Man, You Have to Beat Up a Man!

According to my sources at The Smoking Gun, WWF International Champion "Nature Guy" Ricky Flare (Real Name: Buddy Rogers) choked some poor guy out on a North Carolina Highway last week, before putting his car in the Figure Four. The police report says that the motorist, Steve Borden was punched in the crotch and his car was damaged by the enraged wrestler. Flare’s lawyer, Clarence Mason, says that his client was only acting in self defense as Borden approached Flare with a baseball bat while Flare was begging off. ITR was able to score this exclusive interview with “The Nature Guy!”

Inside the Ropes: Hello, Mr. Flare, thanks for giving us a moment of your time!

Ricky Flare: Didn’t you say this was CNN? Where the hell is Anderson Cooper?

ITR: He’s…uh…On assignment! First question: When the guy’s back was turned, did you hit him with your patented “chop block?”

Flare: Listen, my lawyer warned me about this. I can’t answer any specifics about the case, only that it’s very serious situation, and I don’t appreciate you making a mockery of it.

ITR: You lost didn’t you? I understand, though. I mean Triple HHH sent you to the hospital a beaten and bloody man. How you could work up the nerve to challenge somebody that soon after being hit with a sledghamm….

Flare: Listen, kid, my patience is wearing thin, can I just deliver my statement and then go?

ITR: Don’t dodge the question, Nature Guy. We all know that you’re the dirtiest driver in the game. You set this guy up, didn’t you?

Flare: Where the hell are the TV cameras! This isn’t CNN at all!

ITR: Uh…uh…this is Radio CNN?

Flare: Dammit, Bulldog! You set me up!

ITR: Actually, Bulldog came down with the avian bird flu. I’m Matt Hocking.

Flare: The guy who does the Satire?

ITR: Sometimes.

Flare: I don’t care! I’m not going to be set up by some third string wrestling reporter. No way!

ITR: Come, on. I’m at BEST fourth string. How about just a little soundbite for our audience at home.

Flare: Robert Steele? I took your old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, Fat Boy, because I’m a limo ridin’, jet flyin’, wheelin’ and a dealin’, kiss stealin’ sonofagunandtobethemanyou’vegottabeatthemanandI’mtheman! WOOOOO! WOO!

ITR: All right. Stay tuned for a CNN special report “Are Slides and Tire Swings Killing YOUR Children?” Nancy Grace overreacts, after the break! Until next time, THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!

Bullfrog got some Letters! How the hell does this guy get e-mail and I don’t? Anywho, let’s get at it!

hey dud,

Q: WFT is up wit SmacKdown? did u see dat siht, man they totally pised all over da grabe ov mah homey, Edgie Guerrrerro, man! WFT?!

A: Good question. Why would WWE piss all over the memory of one of the greatest Latina wrestlers of all time, by not having Kain and Ordertaker not acknowledge their union of brotherhood like that. That’s the kind of stuff that Latina Heat would never have stood for! And then, of all things the ORTON! ORTON! BY GAWD ORTON!! brothers come in and can’t drive a stick shift? WFT indeed!

Q: Is WWE SERIOULSY considering letting Chris Masters be the man to win the WWE Title from John Cena?

A: Thanks for the Compliment!

Q: Why did they cancel Edge’s new “Cutting Edge” Talk show? I thought it was going to debut on RAW!

A: There’s an interesting story behind that one. It seems that ThEdge’s first guest was supposed to be Triple HHH, but as usual, Hunter backed out at the last second, and hand to be replaced by Mike Hardy Version 2.7c. That didn’t sit well with The Returning Leetah who walked off the set in a huff. ThEdge tried to settle the situation down by taking them both out for ice cream, and then having sex with Leetah while Matt watched, but by the time they were done, RAW was over. Look for the segment to pick up where it left off last Sunday, when ThEdge interviews WWF Legend Mike Tyson Tomko next week, who will reveal that he’s been having a secret affair with SHNITSKY behind The Christian’s back. And then The Girl’s Division will come out and have a Softcore Lesbian Battle Royal and it will be the best edition of The Cutting Edge EVER!

EVER!!!

Q: what up!!!1 do u know whateva happen to major gunns, man?? she got som gig ol titties, man! lol.

A: Formerly one-half of perhaps the greatest tag team in wrestling history along with former partner BG James, Major Gunns entered TNA in 2005 and has made the 3Live Kru’s lives a living hell ever since.

Upon her TNA debut, Gunns sided with Jeff Jarrett and The Alpha Male Monty Brown, but her true intentions became clear when she attempted to break up the Kru. Driving a wedge between the 3LK, Major Gunns has managed to cause dissention and mistrust among Konnan, The Truth and BG.

Recently, the star renamed herself Tits James - a move many regard as a slap in the face to BG’s family. According to Tits James, she and BG are “like family”.

Whether Major Gunns will succeed in ultimately tearing apart the 3Live Kru remains to be seen, but her actions have certainly put their future in doubt. The question is - will Major Gunns find a way to win the tug of war over BG James with the Kru? Or, will the 3LK reunite stronger than ever to finally put an end to the star’s constant interference?

Q: Who do you think is the right person to win the title off of Batista? And don’t say Benoit!

A: You should be asking YOURSELF this question, my little friend: Is The Boogerman a lock to win the WWF Smack! Down World Title from Deacon Bautista at Wrestling Mania ‘06 this year? BANK ON IT!

Is it so wrong that I want a Joey Fairplay DVD? Come on T&A! MAKE IT HAPPEN!

In T&A News: WWF Hall of Famer Bobby Herman made his big debut for TNA this week, ending years of speculation as to where the 98 year old wrestling icon would wind up next…T&A is getting a video game, but it won’t be a wrestling game! No, no! It will be a Dance Dance Revolution-style rhythm game, where you have to hit the correct sequences of colored arrows in a certain amount of time to hit highspots. Don’t worry rhythmically challenged fans, the crowd will never turn on you, and besides, nobody was going to sell your move anyway. All the TNA wrestlers are expected to provide their voices to the game, except Double Jeff Jarrodd, who will be voiced by Roadog…Also set to debut on Impactful! This week is former WWF D-Von, Jackie Gaydar, who is sure to improve TNA’s Girl’s Division immediately.

ITR Horoscopes!

Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21): You share your birth sign with such luminaries as Matt Hocking and Gobbledygooker. To celebrate this accomplishment, the stars want you go rent a turkey suit and hump a life size cut out of Stacy Keibler.

Capricorn (December 22 to January 19): The stars have good news and they have bad news. The bad news is, Randy Orton is main-eventing on Smackdown again. The good news is that he just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by switching to Geico!

Aquarius (January 20 to February 19): A large Samoan man will punch you in the face today.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20): I wouldn’t suggest making any big plans for the next four or five weeks, because WWE 24/7 is going to be running that Berzerker series you’ve been waiting for.

Aries (March 21 to April 19): You’ve got great moves and a decent look, kid, but you’ll never get anywhere without learning some psychology. That shit might fly in the Impact Zone and in Ring of Horrors, but not with the stars! Now learn to work a proper match or get off TV.

Taurus (April 20 to May 20): Persistence pays off as, at last, you catch they eye of that special someone. Just remember, matching tights makes you come off too desperate and overbearing on a first date. Take it easy and buy him a beard comb!

Gemini (May 21 to June 21): The stars know you’ve been getting a lot of criticism over your work lately, but trust us, it’ll all work out in the end. The crowd may be booing now, but that’s just because they don’t “get” you. Van Gough, Copernicus, Gandhi, Shakespeare, they all started off this way too. Just keep plugging away at it and they’ll come back around.

Cancer (June 22 to July 22): Your first and only national exposure will come when you’re a security guard in a backstage segment on RAW. Make the most of your 15 minutes by copping a feel on Trish Stratus during the show ending brawl.

Leo (July 23 to August 22): The stars have you lined up for an appearance on Internet Velocity this week. We’re very sorry, but it’s the best we could do on such short notice.

Virgo (August 23 to September 22): Saturn has risen into the House of Pain this month, and you know what that means! JUMP AROUND! Oh wait…that says, “Haas of Pain.” Sorry, you’re doomed to obscurity and bitterness at your wife’s success.

Libra (September 23 to October 22): Look, the stars didn’t want to have to be the ones to tell you this, but you’re fat. Seriously. Buy a treadmill and put in some quality time at the gym. Then, maybe the next time you go to work, you won’t keep falling on your ass in front of the clients.

Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): An enraged old man will attack you and your car this week. Try to take everything in stride, letting him know that you’re a big fan of his work and the failure of his students and children to appreciate him isn’t his fault. Eventually, he will stop trying to slap you and hook you up with 13 moderately attractive women in a Leer Jet. You’re living the high life now!

That’s it for me for the rest of this year. If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to bail out and try to renegotiate my contract with The Rick. I don’t see his ungrateful ass helping ME write the Satire when MY brain gives out. No! I’ve had to turn to methamphetamines and whiskey, which isn’t helping my complexion any. Uh…Anyway, here’s to Bullfrog, hope you’re feeling better. Try not eating the chickens that are barfing all over the place next time. If you’ve got any comments on this thing here, send ‘em to RawSatire@hotmail.com, I’m sure the owner of that address will be happy to take your calls. And remember, if you heard it here first, it’s Inside the Ropes!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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