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Needs More Doug Llewelyn   

December 6, 2005

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


This Just In: Matt Hocking receives Five Year Contract to host WWE RAW Satire.

OO.com: Mr. Hocking, what’s going through your mind now that you’ve signed this contract?

Matt Hocking: Fiv…Five YEARS?! That can’t be right. Can I quit again? This is seriously going to put a damper on me writing for 1Wrestling.

OO.com: Haha, yeah. You’re pretty well screwed.

Hocking: Shut up.

Last Week: Canadian Bulldog valiantly fought off both political intrigue and avian bird flu to bring you the greatest Satire ever (EVER!)! Plus, I guess Vince McMahon threatened to fire Eric Bischoff for not being his “dawg.” Also, we somehow persevered through the difficult breakup of Cade and The Other Guy, how will we persevere… TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Here’s Vince McMahon along with his pal, Duke “The Dumpster” Droese, who is still living the gimmick I see. Vince has a mic. I wonder if he’s out to address the controversial nature of his comments at Survivor Series!

Vince McMahon: I know what you’re thinking, but no, I’m not out here to address the controversial nature of my comments at Survivor Series. Instead, I’m going to just say that I’m very, very sorry and I wish that those gangstas would stop showing up and my house and threatening me with violence.

New Jack: I’ma cut you, McMahon! Yeah, I’ma cut you bad!

Vince: Be that as it may, what we’re here for today is to decide the fate of one Mr. Eric Bischoff, so Mr. Bichoff, if you wouldn’t mind, could you come out here to this very ring?

Duke “The Dumpster” Droese: Can I help, Mr. McMahon? Please! I’m ready for my big comeback! Yessir. Living the gimmick, I’ve taken it to heart, Sir.

Vince: Quit breaking kayfabe.

Droese: Dammit. Stupid! Stupid, Stupid! Why do I have to do this every time?!

Here’s Eric Bischoff, who doesn’t look so…minty fresh, if you catch my meaning.

I mean that he’s not covered in mints.

Eric Bischoff: Mr, McMahon, thank you for not firing me straight away. Listen, if there’s anything…anything…I can do to save my job, you just have to…uh…give me the ol’ sign right there. You know. Right in there. Anything.

Vince: Mr. Bischoff, are you propositioning me?

Bischoff: Uh…heh. No. Well…yes. I mean…Maybe. Do you want me to be?

Vince: No! Absolutely not! What I WANT is to announce that we’re expanding. Due to recent budgetary concerns, it’s time for WWE TV to expand once again, this time we’re going to go outside the ropes and tackle the first thing that comes to anyone’s mind when they think of professional wrestling. Intense court room drama.

Bischoff: Will Judge Jeff Jones be the judge?

Vince: Of course not! I will. And in the first case, The People v. Eric Bischoff, I’d like to introduce to you the Defendant, Mr. Eric Bischoff! But Eric will not be alone, no. In the interest of fairness I have lined up a lawyer who just happens to be one fine ni….

New Jack: HEY! What’d I just say?

Vince: Ehem…black superstar….

Bischoff: Please be Clarence Mason! Please be Clarence Mason!

Vince: Coach!

Bischoff: Ah dammit.

Jonathan Coachman: Yo! Yo! Yo! Sup, sup?!

New Jack: Man. I’ma cut you too!

Vince: And in the other corner, the WWE’s foremost legal expert and the man who was elected by the fans at this year’s Taboo Tuesday to be the WWE District Attorney….

Bischoff: Ric Flair?

Coach: Charlie Haas?

Vince: Mick Foley!

Mick Foley: I don’t know when I became an expert on anything, but I just bought this Hello Kitty lunch box on eBay for $295.88 from some little girl in Taiwan. BANG BANG!

Vince: Now, let us, as is our tradition, take this out of the wrestling ring and into the court room.

Foley: This is going to be more fun than the time I had to testify about the time Terry Funk set that guy on fire!

Vince: I just can’t believe after all the legal shenanigans I’ve been a part of in the past, they let me be the judge.

Coach: Don’t worry, EB, I got this one all down pat. I’ve been watching law training shows all night to prep for this case.

Bischoff: Like The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Civil Law Defense…on DVD?

Coach: No, no. Even better. Harvey Birdman: Season One! Wait ‘til they get a load of my cross examination on Snagglepuss!

Bischoff: Eggg…Exit…Stage Left!


Viscera and Sean Cold Val Venis v. The Heart Throbs v. Tyson Tomko and Abe Orton v. Kane and The Big Show
In a Quadruple Threat Match for the WWE Tag Team Titles

Quadruple Threat! I think poor Abe is suffering from a bit of an identity crisis after last week. At least you’re not having lighting drawn at you. That’s all I’m saying. Though I guess you’re still feuding with Kane, which can be just as bad some times. Show and Vis do the “Belly Bump of Extreme Fatliness” which is pretty much my favorite spot ever, and Vis bails. Am I honestly supposed to be cheering for these guys after the way the treat Dave every week on Smackdown? I know my Fridays needed more Kane, but couldn’t it have come at the expense of say…Benoit or something? Anyway, Kane and Show manage to find enough hands between them to choke slam everybody in this match including WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton, so I guess they win. Viva Tag Division~!

Banabah! Bananananabananana! Bahnanahbah!

Todd Grisham: Welcome to the Wrestler’s Court. First let us meet the defendant, Eric Bischoff. Bischoff claims that he’s done a good job GMing RAW, and it’s not his fault the writing has been so crappy, he’s countersuing for his job back. Now the Plantiff, Mr. Mick Foley. Foley asserts that Bischoff is just a plain crummy guy, and that any meat puppet they put in his place is going to do a better job. Unless it’s Al Snow. Today they’ll go head to head in case we like to call, “Smack My Bischoff!”

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters: All rise, the court is now in session. The honorable Judge Vince McMahon presiding.

Mick Foley: Objection, your honor. Why the hell is Masters the bailiff. That makes no sense.

Vince McMahon: Listen, Bossman is dead, and Mountie disappeared after that whole…Lance and Rob…thing.

Masters: Plus, I carry this little hat with me wherever I go.

Jonathan Coachman: If I may, though, before we begin. Isn’t Wrestler’s Court supposed to be Undertaker and JBL and Bob Holly sentencing guys to soapy shower fingers and buying people beer?

Vince: You shut up. This is my TV show.

Eric Bischoff: I demand a jury of my peers.

Vince: Old men who like to have sex with slutty old strippers? I don’t know anybody like that.

Ric Flair: Fire me?! I’m already fired! Fire me?! I’m already fired!

Bischoff: Ugh. Never mind.

Clarence Mason: Ric! Ric! What are you doing in here, man? Your court room is that way!

Flair: WOO! Judge! I’m gonna take your old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, Fat Boy! WOOO!

Mason: I demand that be stricken from the record!

Court Sexretary Stacy Keibler: Ohmigosh, was I supposed to be writing all this down?

Foley: If I may call my first witness to the stand, the prosecution would like to call Stephanie McMahon!

Stephanie McMahon: Hiyah, daddy.

Vince: That’s Judge Daddy.

Bischoff: Note to self: Call Jason Hervey Re: Judge Daddy pilot for UPN.

Mick Foley: Now I’m going to roll this video clip and I want you to tell me what you remember about the night in question….

A clip of Stephanie and Bischoff making out from the Halloween 2002 Smackdown rolls.

Stephanie: Eric Bischoff is SUCH a good kisser.

Stacy: Ew! Ewew! I’m not writing that!

Vince: I’m with Stacy. That’s gross, honey.

Stephanie: Look at my cleavage there. Who WOULDN’T want to make out with me?

Vince: You’ve got a point there.

Foley: I don’t remember why the hell I called this witness.

Stephanie: Remember when we were feuding over Zach Gowen? Hahahahahaha!

Vince: Hahahahahahaha!


Alexis Laree (w/ Trish Stratus) v. Victoria (w/ Candice Michelle, Torrie Wilson, and Bixby, The RAW Satire Mutt)

Don’t know what the hell ever happened to Mr. Wookles the Raw Satire Puppy, nor do I care really. I wonder where the hell Ashley is. I hope it’s not a Diva Search Girls getting fired epidemic or anything. Otherwise, she’s clearly losing out in the Lesbian Love Triangle against Alexis. Trish tries to stop all the copious interference, but there is two of them and only one of her, so Alexis falls victim to a Victoria roll up for the loss. After the match Laree pouts while Trish dreamily wonders what’s going on over at Wrestler’s Court.

Over at Wrestler’s Court, the court is taking testimony from Tajiri.

Vince McMahon: Who the hell are you again? Funaki?

Tajiri: Tajiri. I was a big star in ECW, remember? You helped strong arm my wife into a drivers license. She’s only crashed seven times now.

Vince: Hehehe…Uh…I demand that last note be stricken from the record.

Sexretary Stacy Keibler: Oh. Whoops. Can you repeat what I was supposed to strike?

Jonathan Coachman: I just demand that we forget this guy ever showed up. I don’t know who the hell he is!

Mick Foley: Come on, man. You used to watch Heat.

Coach: That’s Val Venis?

Tajiri: Forget it. I should just spray Lime Mist on you all and go.

Eric Bischoff: Is that the one that prevents scurvy?

Tajiri: No! It’s the one that gives you ringworm.

Bischoff: Gross.

Tajiri: I didn’t even get to hit my line about shoving Rhino up Bischoff’s ass.

Vince: Nobody would notice he was gone.

Bischoff: And he’s small enough to fit comfortably.

Vince: For being in contempt of court, TAKA, I’m sentencing you to job to Triple H.

Tajiri: Just like every other goddamn week.

Vince: What was that?

Tajiri: Que?

Spanish Rice Steve Austin: Que?

Sean Cold Val Venis: Oh, my kidneys!

Austin: Follow the script, man!

Mae Young: Who wants puppies?!


Back in the courtroom….

Mae Young: I’m old! Give me a hundred dollars!

Video airs of Eric Bischoff making out with Mae Young.

Eric Bischoff: Woah. I was soooo drunk that night. I don’t even remember that.

Mae: Eric Bischoff is my only friend!

Fabulous Moolah: What about me?

Mae: Who the hell are you?

Mick Foley: Can this whole segment be stricken from the record?

Sexretary Stacy Keibler: Sorry, I don’t have any records. Only CDs.

Vince McMahon: Yeah. I…I don’t know what the hell we’re thinking with this. Can’t we call some good witnesses?

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters: I’m a good witness!

Vince: No you’re not! I seriously doubt that you’re even a real Iron Chef.

Masters: Can I at least keep my fun hat?

Vince: No! Now get out of here.

Masters leaves and Vince puts on the Bailiff hat. Meanwhile, backstage at RAW, Shelton Benjamin has made a friend.

Shawn Michaels: I’m just saying that you need to learn how to cut a promo, man. Then you’ll be gangbusters in this business.

Shelton Benjamin: I know how to cut a promo.

HBK: Ok, hit me up with one.

Shelton Benjamin: You’re a doodoo head. Because…uh…there ain’t no stoppin’ me…NAH?

HBK: That was terrible. Where’s that drive? Where’s that intensity? Look at me! I got where I was by rebelling against society, ignoring all the rules, and being a total bad ass!

Benjamin: Was that before or after you started wearing mirror chaps and prancing around?

HBK: Some time between the fruity tassels and the mirror chaps. I’ve always pranced.

Benjamin: Right.


Back to the court.

Vince McMahon: All right, who ordered the taco salad?

Jonathan Coachman: That’d be me!

We’ll…check back in later.

Lance Cade v. Chavo Guerrero

Wonder whatever happened to that Gay Gobbledygooker guy. Chavo’s goin’ baaaaaald, man. In a few months, maybe they can give him Friar Ferguson’s old gimmick. Cade is dressed in his old Blinking Christmas Lights outfit, complaining that Goldust sold him out. Hey, look, if I were you, I’d just be happy I wasn’t feuding with Monty Brown right now, and kind of roll with the punches. Chavo wins in short order after Frogsplash, which would make him the NWA World Champion, right? CHAVO GUERRERO IS GOING TO TURNING POINT! Hahahahaha…Poor Chavo.

All right. Let’s check back into the court proceedings….

Khosrow Daivari: Mr. McMahon, you of all people should know, if the cod piece doesn’t fit, you must acquit.

Vince McMahon: I’m sorry, but does anybody else feel like taking a dance break? I brought my entire collection of Aqua CDs.

Jonathan Coachman: Play “Around the World”!

Eric Bischoff: You’re supposed to be trying to get me off the hook here!

Coach: Shut up and prepare to have your socks knocked off!

Mick Foley: Anybody want any Laffy Taffy? Oh! Hey, here’s a joke for you. “What is black and white and red all over?”

Coach: Newspaper!

Vince: My earnings report!

Bischoff: Mariah Carey in a blender?

Daivari: Leyleaahleyleaahooooooh!

Sexretary Stacy Keibler: I just spilt ketchup all over the record.

Foley: A zebra carcass which has just been brutally killed by lions.

Vince: I don’t get it.


It’s time for Cutting Edge, America’s fastest growing quiz sensation staring Lita and Edge!

Edge: So, it turns out that Cutting Edge has been cancelled again, because Ric Flair was thrown in jail for exposing himself to a District Court judge. And last week it got cancelled because Triple H is holding me down. Can a girl get a salad here? This is pathetic.

Lita: Yes, you are, honey. What does your shirt say? “Rated R Superstar”? Who the hell do you think you are? Dolph Lundgren?

Edge: That hurts, baby. Anyway, Ric Flair is a dirty old fleabag who sucks and I hate him.

Michael P.S. Hayes: More like you suck! Seriously dude, when was the last time you did something of note. ANYTHING of note.

Edge: Like…two months ago. What do you care anyway? If you give so much of a crap about Ric Flair, why didn’t you try to save him when Triple H attacked?

Hayes: I was too drunk.

Sgt. Slaughter: I would have saved him, but I was waiting for reinforcements to arrive. Damn Roadblock’s slow ass. He told me he’d be there!

Edge: You guys suck harder than Lita.

Lita: Let’s not go that far.

Then Edge hits Hayes and Slaughter with the briefcase. Somewhere, deep within his lair….

Cobra Commander: Destro! Get that guy’s number! Did you see that crap! He just took out two guys with a friggin’ briefcase! Why can’t we do that?

Destro: Aren’t you dead?

Cobra Commander: Waaaaaasssss…a…maaaaaaaaaaan!


Tajiri v. Triple H

Joey Styles notes that nobody ever used a SCREWDRIVER to hurt an opponent in ECW, to which New Jack responds by running into the ring and carving up Tajiri with a knife. That’s pretty much the story of this one, as Triple H hits the PEDIGREE TO TAJIRI~! and picks up the win. Oh well, Tajiri had a good long push there. Almost lasted the whole show! After the match, Big Show comes out and uses New Jack’s cheese grater to make a pizza.

Back in court….

Jonathan Coachman: I call Nova to the stand.

Eric Bischoff: What the hell?

Vince McMahon: Oh, man. Are we that far down the card already? Geez.

WWE Chief Physician The Boogeyman: In my medical opinion, Nova is not physically ready to appear in this segment.

Vince: That’s a relief. You’ve…got something hanging from your nose there.

Boogeyman: Eww…snoogie!

Mick Foley: Ok. Ok. Why did the chicken cross the road?

Bischoff: I don’t know, Mick, why?

Foley: Because the farmer had cut off his head, and his leg muscles involuntarily propelled him forward, which just so happened to be the location of a small dirt road.

Vince: No more Laffy Taffy.


Bill Cosby is at RAW. Will the wonders never cease? Backstage, Big Show is standing up to Triple H.

Big Show: Don’t you ever hurt Ric Flair again.

Triple H: Don’t you ever hurt Rey Misterio again.

Big Show: Man, you take the fun out of everything, don’t you.

HHH: That’s why they call me “The Game.”

Kane: Can I still hurt people?

HHH: Could you before?

Kane: Man…Shut up!

Back in Court….

Maria Tennyson Lund: And then I had scuba lessons at 4:30, and Yoga at 7, then I took a tea break to let things settle, and….

Mick Foley: Didn’t I ask you about Eric Bischoff?

Maria: The hell if I know. I wasn’t paying any attention to you, fatty.

The Voice of the Undertaker: See, Vince? I told you this wasn’t going to work. You guys are horrible at running these kinds of things. Best leave it to me and JBL.

Vince McMahon: You don’t own me, Taker!

Voice of Taker: Oh yeah?! How about THIS?!

Matt Striker runs in with a cardboard cut-out of a lighting bolt while Nunzio lights McMahon’s chair on fire.

Voice of Taker: We’ll…clean that up in post production for the RAW Rewind.

Vince: Court is adjourned. I’ll see you all back at the arena.


Carlito Caribbean Cool and Kurt Angle (w/ Khosrow Daivari) v. Shawn Michaels and Shelton Benjamin

I think I’m not alone in saying that I missed Daivari’s bad ass suits. My only regret is that the mustard yellow one is missing in action. Shelton is announced as being from “The State of South Carolina.” What, no love for Orangeburg? I’ve got lots of love for Duckburg. Woo-Oo! Shelton and Shawn seem to have a bit of trouble communicating, but it’s all smoothed over when Shelton goes under the ring and breaks out the TASSELS OF INTENSITY~! Ain’t no stoppin’ him…NAH!


I’ll solve a mystery, or rewrite historyyyyy…sorry. Shawn hits his 65 move Combo of Doom, so I’m guessing we’re closing in on the end of the match, which is good because I’m just dying to see the cliffhanger ending to this historic night. You know who would make a good new GM? Dusty Rhodes. I desperately want New Years Revelations to be an all Cage Match PPV. And really, let’s face it. It’s either him or Mongo McMichael at this point. Shawn loads up the Superkick, but Shelton suddenly tags himself in and does what he does best, jobbing to Carlito. Shawn is stunned, but Shelton is a little less so. When Shawn tries to comfort him, Shelton just runs up the ramp in tears. Oh, it’s not so bad, you could be jobbing to Matt Striker on Hea…oh. Wait.

Backstage, Vince is pulling up in his limo, when he bumps into Triple H.

Vince McMahon: Sorry. Didn’t see you there. Say, have you ever met my daughter, Stephanie?

Triple H: Uh…Yeah. We feuded over her once. You lost. I also drugged her, married her, took over your company with her, divorced her, she ran over my dog, and then we didn’t talk for, like, two years.

Vince: She’s got big boobs.

Stephanie McMahon: AWKWARD!

Vince: I’ll leave you two love birds to chat.

Stephanie: Sorry about the dog.

HHH: I hated that dog anyway. Nibblins is way better. I’m sorry about your FACE!

Stephanie: I love you too, Hunter. Let’s go cuddle.

The Voice of the Undertaker: Break it up, you two. I’m not dealing with this crap again.


Todd Grisham: Let’s go live to the ring where the judge has made his decision.

Eric Bischoff: Vince, whatever you decide is fine with me, but look. You know what? I friggin’ hate running RAW. I hate dealing with Triple H, I hate dealing with Angle, I hate dealing with Coach…I hate this place. Let me go home. Please. For the love of God, I just want out of this hell hole.

Vince McMahon: You don’t want to see your beloved Elimi-Date Chamber at New Years Resolutions?

Bischoff: Hell no.


Bischoff: Could this day BE any worse?


Eric Bischoff wants to get fired,
I say that he’s just tired,
A month off and he’ll be back,
I’m a white guy who thinks he’s black.

John Cena, rappin’ up a storm.
Evading the law with my art form!
Mick Foley is wasted in this skit,
Too bad his book wasn’t a hit!

I’m the king of the ring,
Every time I stand here and sing,
I’m rocking the mic, that much clear,
You know, oh you know,

New Jack jumps back into the ring and stats jabbing a pizza cutter into Cena’s mouth.

Vince: Now that that business is cleared up, there’s only one thing left. Eric Bischoff? You’re FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Bischoff: Oh, God. THANK YOU! I’ll go right now.

Vince: Oh, no you don’t. I’ve been waiting for this moment for almost ten years. I’m about ready to pop my monocle here, so I just need one more thing.

Raven jumps out of the garbage truck and tosses Bischoff into a wood chipper.

Perry Saturn: Moppy NOOOO!

Chavo Guerrero: Pepe NOOOOOO!

Alexis Laree: There you are. Will you teach me some more moves?

Raven: No.

Todd Grisham: That’s all for tonight folks, just remember, don’t take the law into your own hands! You take ‘em to court!

Grisham jumps into the wood chipper. Meanwhile, McMahon is crumpled in the middle of the ring holding his crotch.

Next Week: Who will be the NEW WWE Monday Night RAW General Manager? Smart money is on Vince Russo! Plus, will Stephanie and Triple H’s loins collide once again? And who will get the call to appear in the Elimi-Date chamber? The answers may surprise you!

Until then, go suck a Laffy Taffy!


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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