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RAW SATIRE    
Let the ElimiDating Begin! 

December 13, 2005

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: We had “The Wrestler’s Court,” where it was ruled, with no argument, that Josh Matthews is the hottest possessed woman ever. Also, the Bischoffice was scheduled to be demolished to make a playpen for li’l Declan. Plus, Triple H jobbed Tajiri straight back to Japan. Who will be jobbed back to Japan…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)
 

Vince McMahon is out on the ramp, and boy does he look happy. I’d be happy too, if I were him. I mean, he finally killed off his arch nemesis. I killed my arch nemesis once, but he’ll be back. Sometime around the fifth Satireversary, he’ll show up and we’ll have another goddamn duel on top of a half completed evil skyscraper. Always happens. Oh, hey! Vince has the mic, so I can stop rambling!

 
Vince McMahon: You know, I’m sure everyone watching last week was shocked when I made it through an entire legal segment without pulling something out of somebody’s ass. Quite frankly, I’m surprised about that myself. But that won’t stop me from pulling things out of my ass tonight, no sir. Because there will be no SHOCKING SWERVE~! Eric Bischoff is fired. Really fired. I mean…like…for real fired. “I wish him the best in his future endeavors” fired. Like, OMG “Vince McMahon, I challenge you because WCW rulez and Vince McMahon Droolz” “Oh yeah well you’re FIIIIIIIIIRRRRED! fired. So, yeah. I’m sure he’ll be back in a few months. Unless his future endeavors, which probably have something to do with him and Jason Hervey and Arli$$ running around trying to sell scripts for a new Wayans Brothers Show to UPN, pan out, he’ll be back within the month. Anyway, I guess it’ll be fun to run a “hire a new general manager” gimmick for a few weeks. Maybe we can get Maven back in here for that. You know, I really missed this, guys. This open dialog. I missed talking to you. Not in a skit, I mean, but really talking to you. Uh…here’s some matches.

Kurt Angle v. Ric Flair
Qualifying Match for the Elimidate Chamber

Oh man, the classic Old Guy/Bald Guy quarrel. Both these guys would do really well on Elimidate. Especially if Flair pulls out $100,000 diamond necklaces. Then, he’d punch her right in the balls. Er…What I mean to say is…Where the hell is Daivari and his really awesome suits? Actually, this match should be subtitled “The Battle of The Domestic Disputes.” We can put it on “Wrestlers Divorce Court” which is just a crappy spin-off of “Wrestlers Court” with paid actors. Paid actors in WRESTLING?! Somebody call Shelton Benjamin’s mama. Woah. I just got all meta there. I think I need to take a break.

(ads)

Notice I haven’t commented on the match, like, at all? Nothin’ but chops and restholds. TNA wishes they had this kind of hot action. Actually, I kind of wish that TNA had this kind of hot action. Flair locks in the Figure Four. How awesome would it have been if Flair had just chopped that dude out of his car, locked him in the Figure Four and then when the police showed up, he could have begged off and then flopped. Of course the guy wouldn’t sell it. Bastard. He’s holding other motorists down! Irwin R. Shiester comes out and crotches Flair, and that’s exactly what Angle needs to get the win. Man, they’re handing those legends contracts out like candy aren’t they. Maybe he got Heenan’s.

Now, Angle has the mic. Oh, Kurt, don’t cut a promo after a match. It ruins the illusion! Don’t ruin the illusion!

Kurt Angle: I hate to ruin any illusions you all might have, but geez, has anybody noticed how much I’ve sucked lately? I can’t beat Cena for, like, eleventy straight weeks, I can hardly beat Flair, I’m whiny, I’m complainy, and now I’m hanging around with Daivari. DAIVARI?! What the hell is wrong with me? Geez. In any event, WWE is going to do a Very Special RAW and Smackdown, where Eugene has an intervention with guest star Bill Cosby. Wearing an afghan. But I won’t be there, because I don’t give a crap about Eugene.

Hey! Daivari is on the Titan Tron! Ah the wonders of television!

Khosrow Daivari: Hey, Kurt! I bet I can tell you what else you don’t give a crap about!

Angle: Yeah. I bet you could.

Daivari: I found Bobby Orr and Larry Bird! They’re right here outside the arena!

Angle: Uh…that’s Cowboy Bob Orton and “The Bird Man” Koko B. Ware. That’s not even…close.

Cowboy Bob Orton: Have y’all seen my nephew, Abe? I really need him to help out mah boy Randy in his feud against the Undertaker.

Koko B. Ware: Have y’all seen my bird Frankie? I really need him to help me get some Indy bookings. Sigh.

Daivari: Rats. I’ve failed again! Oh well, I’ll just spray nWo on them and nobody will be the wiser!

John Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Angle: All right. I’m…I’m going home.

Cena:

Cowboy Bob is a tool,
Fightin’ the Taker,
Your boy Randy is trembling‘,
Harder than a Quaker!

And look at my homey, Koko.
You’re lookin’ good, man!
You didn’t just eat dinner,
You ate the entire pan!

I’m John Cena, the Man,
rhymes as cool as ice,
I’m going to get a comb,
And check myself for lice.

People might boo me,
But his rap makes it clear,
You may not like it but,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Daivari: Wow. Can I be your referee?

Angle: I hate you all.

(ads)

Edge and Lita are backstage pestering Flair.

Edge: $100,000 jewelry? What the hell, dude? You can’t really be serious about that.

Lita: Yeah. You couldn’t get a nice slutty chick like me for half that?

Ric Flair: I know…I know. I was drunk, ok?

Lita: Hey, at least you picked up one win this month, right? That’s one more than Edge, here.

Edge: Hey, baby, I’m injured!

Lita: Yeah, well, I don’t see Dave bitching over on Smackdown about it.

Edge: Yeah well, does Dave have a briefcase?

Flair: Actually, I bought him a Fisher Price one once. It was a pretty nice one too. I think he used it to store back issues of Highlights.

Lita: He’s probably getting more use out of them than Edge is from that Money in the Bank contract.

Edge: Hey! Shut up! When did this become gang up on Edge day!

Flair: That’s why I’m the Champ! WOO! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take your old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOOO!

Lita: Ew. You’re old.

Flair: Would you do it for this $100,000 ruby tiara?

Lita: Yes.

Irwin R. Scheister: Ehem.

Flair: Never mind. Sigh. Cock block!

Edge: I need a new segment.

Elsewhere, Shawn Michaels is putting on the armor of God. Behold the Mirror Chaps of Truth!

Shelton Benjamin: Did you hear what they’re doing to me, man?

Shawn Michaels: You think that’s something, you should have been here in the 90s, man. Your mom would have been, like, a muppet or something.

Shelton: What’d you think about my attitude adjustment last week, though? Pretty awesome, right?

HBK: Pretty awesome? Shelton, you lost, man. You’re the jobbiest jobber there ever was. Nice tassels, but you pretty well suck.

Shelton: But…there ain’t no stoppin’ me….

HBK: Nobody is buying it.

Shelton: You know what? I’m going to go kick Carlito’s ass, and when I get back, we’ll see who’s buying it and who isn’t.

HBK: Whatever, dude.

Shelton: Oh, hey, will you sign my copy of your book?

HBK: Sure. Who should I make it out to.

Shelton:

HBK:

Shelton: Uh….

HBK: Oh. Right. To Shelton, Hugs and Kisses, Love Shawn.

Shelton: Awesome! Thank you! Oh my gosh, I’m, like, your biggest fan!

(ads)

John Cena was in Italy and on Top of the Pops to annoy dozens of new fans! He’s no Alizee. That’s all I’m saying.

Shelton Benjamin v. Carlito Caribbean Cool
In an Elimidate Chamber Qualifying Match

Shelton comes out and instantly attacks Carlito with the heat of a thousand suns. I guess there ain’t no stoppin’ him…NAH! This lasts for all of about a tenth of a second before Carlito locks in the Boston Crab. Carlito added a new move to his moveset! Oh, it’s only because they’re in Boston. Never mind. There aren’t enough location based moves for that to become a cool running gimmick, though. “It’s the Providence Powerslam, King!” Shelton takes a break from the match to go get a snack, because snacking is INTENSE~! and winds up getting counted out. Damn. He should have waited until his mom brought him some chunky clam chowder. After the match, Shelton throws a tantrum, while Shawn Michaels slowly nods backstage. He’s finally getting it!

Vince is backstage with Trevor Murdoch. Oh boy!

Vince McMahon: Aren’t you Goldust?

Trevor Murdoch: Shhh…I just wanted to ask you if you could please let me be the GM? I know for a fact that nobody will forget the General Management of Trevor ffffffptMordochch.

Vince: GM of, like, Internet Heat, maybe.

Stevie Richards: Aw man. I was hoping I could have my office back for Internet Velocity!

Vince: Look. I’m not just going to hand out General Managerships to random discarders that walk up to me, OK? Let’s stop that right now. Also, no district managerships, ok?

Boobsie McTitsalot: Perhaps the power of boobs will force you to let me become the general manager of boobs?

Vince: Ok. No. No. No. HELL NO!

Boobsie: Don’t you mean? Yes! Oh yes! Oh yeah, baby! BOOBS!

Vince: Meh. Christy did that better. I wonder what happened to her….

Kurt Angle: I hate to interrupt that fantastically logical aside, but we need to talk.

Boobsie: Ok, Kurt. What’s on your mind. Is it my boobs?

Angle: Uh….

(ads)

Shawn Michaels v. The Big Show
In an Elimidate Chamber Qualifying Match

In the long run, I kind of wish this would’ve been for a spot on Fifth Wheel. Not that I don’t like Elimidate, but Fifth Wheel will always be my show. Plus there’s always a shot of the fifth wheel being, like, a crazy lesbian or something. Those episodes are awesome. Uh…anyway…Shawn Michaels comes out full prance. They brawl for a while, before Show realizes that it’s silly and stops selling Shawn’s prance-based offense. Shawn nails a SuperKick anyway, but Big Show no sells that too, and hits a choke slam. HAHAHA screw you, Michaels. You’re no better than Benjamin now. Triple H decides to come down and hit Show with a chair to defend the honor of his best buddy, Rey Misterio. And that’s…a DQ. Shawn Michaels wins. Well hot damn. See, Shelton? That’s all you need to do! Err…I mean…SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Actually, Heels should end EVERY match like that. In fact, if Bischoff were SMART he would have made Cena v. Angle with the belt changing hands on a DQ, and then Angle could hit Daivari and that would be the end of that. But of cou….

The Voice of The Undertaker as Relayed By Matt Hocking: The WWE is just fine the way it is. There are no storyline problems to be found. Buy Armoiregettin’ only on PPV to see who gets out of hell and into an armoire!

Woah. That was awesome. Backstage….

Kurt Angle: It’s like…Why couldn’t I just have a match where the title would have changed on a DQ? I could have hit Daivari and that would be the end of that.

Khosrow Daivari: I’d never disqualify you, Kurt.

Kurt Angle: No…you see-

Boobsie McTitsalot: I don’t think your boobs would make a very good GM, Kurt.

Angle: Why the hell not?

Daivari: Man, you were terrible over on Smackdown. Talk about forgettable.

Angle: I thought you were supposed to be my hype man.

Daivari: Leyleahleyleahooooooohoooh!

Angle: Better…I think.

Vince McMahon: I hate to interrupt you guy’s conversation. I just thought of a good match.

Boobsie: Oh, I doubt that very much.

Vince: Hey!

Boobsie: Boobs.

Vince: Better.

(ads)

Viscera v. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
In a Kobe Beef Battle Qualifying Elimidate Chamber Match

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui San!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Can you believe this match? Seriously? THIS is your Elimidate Chamber contest? Masters and Friggin’ VISCERA? Could you imagine if Viscera won? The front office would fall apart!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: When they say Kobe beef, do they mean, like, Kobe Bryant‘s beef?

Fukui: Hell if I know. Aren’t you the Doctor?

Hatori: I thought that was an honorary title. Like Dr. Jay.

Ohta: Fukui-San!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Turns out that Viscera ate some bad sushi, so he’s out of the competition. Wanna waste any more time here?

Fukui: Nope. Join us next week when we find out WHO WILL REIGN SUPREME!

(ads)

What’s the point of WWE Unlimited if you’re going to show the segments on RAW anyway. Let’s find out!

Alexis Laree: My grand pappy taught me everything I know about wrestling. Until he died that is. Frowny face.

Trish Stratus: You mean Raven? He’s not dead. He’s still in TNA.

Alexis: I know. But he’s feuding with Larry Zybysko. He’s dead to me now.

Trish Stratus: Oh. That’s harsh.

Alexis: He taught me never to trust slutty women who are always sleeping with Vince McMahon.

Trish: Oh really. You weren’t happening to be watching WWE around 2001, were you?

Alexis: Was anybody?

Trish: Phew.

And now we throw to our man, Matt Striker to find out about…something.

Matt Striker: I’m here to teach you all a lesson. Those that say that Rome wasn’t built in a day aren’t lying. In fact, even if you take it’s rather apocryphal founding by Romulus and Remus on April 21>st in 753 B.C. as being factually accurate, it still took generations of people moving into the area then known as Latium for the township to be fully established as any sort of bed of culture. The fact of the matter is, as an aside, that the area we now know as the city of Rome was actually somewhat of a military settlement in possibly as early as the late 10th Century B.C., before the Etruscans swept into the area. What we do know, however, is that by the 3rd Century B.C., the Republic of Rome had become a major political, economic and military player in the area, leading to….

Joey Styles: Be sure to catch the rest on WWE Unlimited!

Meanwhile though, something is brewing backstage!

Vince McMahon: I’m making coffee.

Chris Nowinski: Hey, Mr. McMahon, how about making me the GM?

Vince: What? Am I still paying you?

Nowinski: Yeah.

Vince: What the hell do you do around here anyway? I should’ve made you Palmer Cannon. Dammit. Get out of here! Oh. No. Hell no.

Dusty Rhodes: Ahbuleebah, Mr. MacMahon! Itsa blebah do debbah, if you wheeel!

Vince: I wheel not. Ok? I’m not letting you run RAW.

Dusty: I buhleeda Turnbuckle Championship Wrestling, adoobah nothin’ but cage matches!

Trevor Murdoch: Hey, dad.

(ads)

Alexis Laree v. Victoria

Why isn’t this an Elimidate Chamber match? I wouldn’t mind an Elimidate with them, if you know what I mean. I mean that I would Elimidate Victoria and then get turned down by Alexis. Sigh. Anyway Trish Stratus is on commentary, talking about how she doesn’t really “get” why Alexis is always hanging around with her, and wondering what the hell ever happened to that Ashley girl. I heard they’re grooming her for Tough Enough Jessie’s old spot. Anyway, the whole thing is pretty much a wash until Alexis nails the Evenflow and gets the win. This makes her the number one contender to the Women’s Title, which comes as a great disappointment to the other two women in the division.

Hunter is wandering around backstage. Pick up some nachos while you’re back there. I’m starving.

(ads)

Triple H v. Kane
In an Elimidate Chamber Qualifying Match

Ooooh. If there’s one thing that needs more Kane, it’s dating shows. Believe me. In fact, if Kane would have met Lita on say, Blind Date, they never would have broken up. Hunter, on the other hand, is trying to avoid pushing the issue with Stephanie, I think. He’s just trying to get the belt back so he can say, “Oh, yeah, baby. I’d LOVE to have sex, but you see, I’m the champion! I’ve got to conserve my energy so I don’t let the company down!” Then he goes and runs around the house with Nibblins for an hour. Kane no-sells Triple H’s powers, so let’s take a break.

(ads)

How in the world Kane gets away with no-selling Hunter at this stage in their careers is beyond me. Hasn’t Kane lost about 1,000 consecutive matches to this guy? Hunter goes for the Pedigree, but Kane blocks it by lighting Lillian Garcia on fire. Triple H is so befuddled by this seemingly inconsistent logic, that he totally misses Big Show coming in to help Kane hit a Double Chokeslam. There’s the pin. Kane wins! Whoa, wait. What?! Kane celebrates in the ring while, over in the Internet Heat locker room, Tajiri fumes that he never will get his win back over Hunter.

(ads)

John Cena v. Khosrow Daivari
In a “You Can’t See Out of This Bag on Your Head” Match

You know, the more people in the IWC say they hate Cena, the more I hope he wins? He’s like my new Triple H. Oh wait. You’re the IWC. Uh…Come on, Daivari! Win this match! This match is pretty much exactly like Jamie Noble v. Nidia from No Way Out a few years back, ‘cept that Daivari isn’t nearly as fat and has a nicer ass. Cena does the old tried and true “point to a corner and let the crowd lead me technique,” but it doesn’t work as the crowd pretty much just makes him lap the ring a few times. After a while of running around in circles, Cena accidentally runs into a sleeping Daviari and locks him in the STF for the win. Angle tries to get into the ring to protest the stupidity of the match, but Cena tosses him, because, even though he’s blinded, Kurt Angle must job to John Cena. It’s in both of their contracts. Cena dances around the ring for a little bit, soaking up the cheers of his Boston homey’s girlfriends.

Next Week: The RAW roster heads to Afghanistan, to entertain the troops with their sweaty, greasy rolling around. Don’t ask, don’t tell! John Cena suffers from a little case of, how you say, “friendly fire.” Oh, and next week’s interim GM will be Muhammed Hassan. Leleyeahleleahoooohoooh, indeed!

Don’t know if I’ll be here next week or not! I hate recapping matches, and that’s pretty much all we’ll be getting. If not I’ll see if I can’t cook up somethin’ else!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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