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RAW SATIRE    
Not on MLK Day, Mama....   

January 17, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week:  Edge promised me some HOT Torrent Sex, but I timed out with 1GB at 20kb/s.  I guess we needed some more seeders.  Also, Kurt Angle prepared to square off against Shawn Michaels in the fourth match of their best of three series.  Wait…what?  Oh, and John Cena cashed in on his Spinny Title Rematch Clause…who will cash in on their rematch clause…TONIGHT?! 
 
There ain’t no stoppin’ Martin Luther King Jr….NAH!

(Opening Credits)

Here’s Edge and Lita.  No boner this week for Edge.  Laying in bed with John Cena is enough to do that for you.  Maybe they’re out here to finish their sex?  

Edge:  I know what you’re thinking, but no, we’re not going to finish our sex.  Not yet, anyway.  I just really wanted to complain, because tonight, I found out that I’m going to do a TLC match with Flair tonight.  What the heck is up with that?!  That guy should only be in Canes, Walkers, and Diapers matches!  I’ve gotta bump all over the place for this old hag just to make it halfway decent, all so we can capitalize on the popularity of Lita’s nipples last week.  Can a girl get an F’n SALAD here?!

Lita:  Normally this is the part where I’d yell and my little sludge muffin here for using his terrible catchphrase and whining, but he’s absolutely right.  Who the hell booked this crap?  Two broken neck new cripples, and a 90 year old man.  WTF WWE?

And here’s Kurt Angle…Why the hell does he have the WCW title?

Kurt Angle:  I know what you’re all thinking, “Why the hell does Kurt Angle have the WCW Title?”  This isn’t the WCW Title, you idiots!  I went over to Smackdown and won the World Heavyweight Title while nobody was looking.  This belt was just on this show last year.  Geez.

Oh.

Angle:  Anyway, it turns out I don’t even need to be a heel over there.  Their top face is, like, Scotty 2 Hotty.  So screw sitting around this junk heap trying desperately to convince you all to boo me.  No, no.  I’m going over to Smackdown and feuding with Melina.  Yeah.  That’s what’s up.

Edge:  This is an outrage!  How dare you interrupt my promo time to explain what the hell you’re doing on Smackdown!  Do you care to explain how you got over there anyway?

Angle:  Well, your honor, it seems as though my contract had expired and seeing as how RAW is currently being run by Winky the RAW Satire Wombat, I figured I could just sneak off the show and nobody would notice.  It was a rousing success.

Edge:  So…do you want to have a title v. title match, right here…TONIGHT?!

Angle:  Er…no.  Thing is…that Spinny World Title kind of scares me.  That’s why I didn’t win it in the first place.

Lita:  Suuuure it is.

Angle:  What?  You didn’t think I could beat Cena if I wanted?

Khosrow Daivari:  Kurt!  Kurt!  Can I come to Smackdown with you?

Angle:  Sure.  Maybe you’ll get lost in the Cruiserweight Division and end up on Internet Velocity where I’ll never have to see you again.

Daivari:  I will sing my song of praise!  Leyleahleyleahoooooooh!

Vince is out to clear things up.

Vince McMahon:  I’m drunk and I have no idea who any of you people are.

Angle:  What about my match with Shawn Michaels?  Do I still have to do that?  Because I’d really rather just go home and sleep.

Vince:  Shawn Michaels?  That guy still works here?  Damn, man.  I mean…woah…I’m feelin’ woozy.  I tell you what, if you can beat Shawn Michaels tonight, you can…you can fire him.  I’m gonna go lay down.

Then Vince throws up all over Lita.  That’s hot.  Well…good bye, Kurt.  It was nice knowing you.  Now, I’m pretty sure I’ll never have to look at you ever again…Until the Rumble.

(ads)

Shawn Michaels v. Kurt Angle (w/ Khosrow Daivari)

Shawn prances to the ring with Zest for the Lord, because he knows that God would never get him fired.  Unless he was supposed to go start his own promotion with Raven.  That might be the best promotion ever, actually.  Certainly better than anything ol’ what’s his face could fantasy book anyway.  At about the, oh we’ll say twenty minute mark, Daivari starts chanting Latin at HBK, so Shawn Superkicks him.  Exhausted at trying to keep this mess together, Angle takes a nap on the announce table.

(ads)

I really don’t know why he thinks it’ll be any better for him over on Smackdown.  Doesn’t he remember Beastiality sex?  I mean, sure, it’s marginally better competing for main event spots with WWE Chief Physician Dr. The Boogeyman and Funaki, but is it really worth it?  Then again, you do get to hang out with WWE Smackdown Diva Josh Mathews all the time.  I guess that’s worth it.  After a few more minutes of Angle and Michaels taking turns throwing each other off the top (what is this?  The X-Division?!), Daivari comes in and tries to do a backflip, but without his trusty magic carpet he ends up landing shin first into Angle’s face, and Michaels picks up the win.  Daivari tries to appologize, but Angle responds by suplexing him into the third row.  It’s nice to see the new World Champion being treated so well.  Maybe Shawn can claim to be the “Real” World Champion now.

(ads)

Todd Grisham is standing by with Kurt….

Todd Grisham:  Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Kurt Angle, and Kurt, I’ve gotta ask you…Can you take me with you to Smackdown?!

Kurt Angle:  Hell no.  I hardly know you.

Grisham:  But…Me and WWE Smackdown Road Agent Tim White signed a suicide pact!  We were going to do this on WWE.com together!

Angle:  Look, I don’t care about your stupid Internet romance, man.  I’m just back here to say that I’m firing Daivari.  He can’t come to Smackdown.  Maybe he can go to Internet Heat or manage Masters or something.  Maybe he can get a job introducing Sting in TNA.  He’d be better than Borash anyway.  No more chanting crap for me!  Laters, nerds!

In a last ditch attempt to impress his former boss, Daivari comes flying in with a 720 Backflip Moonsault.  But Angle already left, so Daivari just ends up clipping Grisham, killing him instantly.

TLC Memories….

Jeff Hardy: 

I remember the day,
Tables and Ladders and Chairs!
Tore down the house,
Then we all got fired.
Except for Matt and Edge,
Was it as it seemed?
Was it just a spotfest?
Or was it…
2Xtreme?

Elsewhere in Interviewland….

Maria Punk (nee Tennyson Lund):  Maria Punk Neep Tennyson Lund here, and I’m standing by with “Iron Chef Wrestling” Chris Masters.  We both have really silly names.

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters:  Yeah.  That’s right.  Did you have a question?

Maria:  I dunno…Did you?

Masters:  I guess…Wait.  I can’t think of anything.  Aren’t you the interviewer?

Maria:  I don’t know.  Am I the interviewer?

Masters:  You’ve got the mic.  So I guess you are.

Maria:  Is that what this is?  A microphone?

Masters:  I think so.  You know, I really think I’m getting better at these backstage thingies.

Maria:  Thanks for the scoop!  Back to you, J.R.!

Over in the women’s locker room….

Trish Stratus:  Is that seriously the transition I get?  “Back to you, J.R.?”

Ashley Massaro:  Trish, do you want to rub oil all over my heaving bosoms?

Trish:  Of course I do.  That’s what we quasilesbians do, after all.

Alexis Laree:  What’s up?  Rubbing each other down?  I’m cool with that.  Let me go get the baby oil.

Trish:  Actually, this is just between the two of us.  I really haven’t been paying enough attention to my Ashley.

Ashley:  What she’s tryin’ to say is BACK OFF, BITCH!

Alexis:  Oh no you din’t!

Ashley:  I’m twice the woman you’ll eva be, girlfriend!

Alexis:  Maybe you should stop eating all those cupcakes then, fatty!

Trish:  This storyline makes me look terrible.

Then they all grope each others asses.

(ads)

John Cena v. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
Snickers Bar Battle

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta:  Cena is reppin’ the MLK with his bling and throwback, showing that truly the dream has come true!  All the suburban white boys want to be black!

Dr. Yukio Hatori:  I bought one of those spinning necklaces at the ShopZone.  I’m totally rocking that next week.

Fukui:  Oh gag me with a spork.

Ohta:  Fukui-San!

Fukui:  Go ahead!

Ohta:  Edge has come down and stuck his boner in John Cena’s Snicker’s and Cheese Won Tons.  I don’t think the judges will like that very much!

Hatori:  I had boner cheese once.

Fukui:  Would you stop it!  I guess the Iron Chef wins again with his patented Snicker Roast.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta punch out my partner here.  Join us next week when we find out WHO WILL REIGN SUPREME?!

TLC Memories….

Brother Ray D:  Yeah, I remember the TLC matches.  They were crap.  Crap compared to the meandering brawls we’re having right now in TNA!  Yeah, take that Johnny Ace!  We sure showed you!  We’re working with all the great tag teams now.  AMW…uh…Team Canada…the…uh…Well, anyway, what I’m trying to say is that Team 3-D would willingly trade all our TLC matches and all our Wrestlemania paydays for just one meaningless garbage brawl against Sabu and Abyss!

Brother Devon D:  OH MY BROTHER, TESTI…Wait a minute, what?!

(ads)

Vince is wandering around the sick bay.

Vince McMahon:  What the hell is wrong with you?

Shawn Michaels:  I feel empty inside, Vince.  My victory over Angle should have given me great joy, but instead I feel only sadness.  Who will I work against now?  Abe?  Conway?  This is a depressing day.

Vince:  Shawn…you just talk too damn much.  Maybe if you shut the hell up once in a while, I wouldn’t keep pestering you.  And you?  What’s wrong with you?

WWE Chief Physician Dr. The Boogeyman:  Vince, the guy is, like, 90 years old.  I’m just fitting him for his body bag after the TLC match later tonight.

Vince:  Yeah.  Sorry about that, Naitch, but nothing says “Build on your Ratings” like beating on old people.  I’m sure you understand.

Ric Flair:  WOO!  That’s why you’re the champ!

Dr. The Boogeyman:  I’m Dr. The Boogeyman…and I’m comin’…To HEAL YA!

Jillian Hall:  Thanks for getting that Rice Krispie treat off of there.  How come nobody told me to wipe it off before?

Flair:  I woulda hit that anyway!  WOO!

Boobsie McTitsalot:  Dr. The Boogeyman, is there anything you can do about these boobs?  They’re not…Boobsie enough. 

Vince:  Why don’t you come to my office and have sex with me later?

Boobsie:  What will that do for my boobs?

Vince:  Nothing.  I just want to have some sex.

Boobsie:  You’re creepy.  I’d rather have sex with Boogey or Flair!

Dr. The Boogeyman:  I’m Dr. The Boogeyman…And I’m Comin’ TO SEX YA!

Flair:  Have sex with me?!  I already had sex with myself!  Have sex with me?!  I already had sex with myself!  WOO!

Trish Stratus, Ashley Massaro and Alexis Laree v. Victoria, Boobsie McTitsalot and Torrie Wilson (w/ Chloe The RAW Satire Mutt)

About halfway through the match, Raven comes down to ringside and starts bothering Alexis about trying to get him a job working Internet Heat, and everybody gets annoyed that Alexis’ deadbeat mentor is bothering her at work, so Trish asks if he’ll kindly butt the hell out and go back to haunting Larry Zybysko or whatever it is that he does, usually.  And Alexis apologizes and says that Raven shouldn’t bother her here, and meanwhile Ashley trips over Chloe and gets rolled up for the win by Victoria.  So Trish blames Alexis for losing the match, and when Alexis goes to grope Trish’s rock boobs, she is denied!  Oooh!

(ads)

Rob Van Dam:  Building Wall in an Arena Near You, Real Soon!  Yeah!  All right!

Carlito is in the ring….

Carlito Caribbean Cool:  Does anybody remember the part of the storyline that says that I’m the one that injured RVD’s knee? And I was all like, “But at the end of Lance and Rob Are Friends (an incredible tale of heroism and daring-do)…off the cliff….” and he was all “Yeah! All right!!” and then he made up a story about a flying Dragon name Mr. Periwinkle, and then I told him to “STAY DEAD?!”  Does ANYBODY else remember that?  Aw dammit…now who the hell am I supposed to feud with.

Of course what Carlito needs to cheer him up is a little more Kane!  Kane, who was feeling a little left out of the whole Rob and Lance thing anyway, charges out and dumps Carlito over the top so that he can be the one to feud with Rob when he comes back.  Maybe they can play Hungry Hungry Hippos again.

Back in the McOffice….

Vince McMahon:  What is it?!

Tough Enough Jessie:  Mr. McMahon!  There’s a lady here to see you.

Vince:  Don’t just stand there!  Send her in!  I’m ready for sex!

T.E. Jessie:  It’s me!  Let’s make wild passionate love!

Vince:  Shut up!  I’m going to stand perfectly still here until a REAL woman comes in.

T.E. Jessie:  Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

(ads)

True to his word, McMahon is standing perfectly still.

Vince McMahon:  Come on.  Somebody get in here.  That’s it.  I’m takin’ off my pants.

Mama Benjamin:  MmHmm!  What did I tell you, baby?  He wants me.

Shelton Benjamin:  Mama…please….

Mama:  Pay attention, Shelton!  I’m gonna show you how to please a man!

Shelton:  I am really glad we’re not actually related.

The Voice of the Undertaker:  Ehem.

Shelton:  Dude…LOOK at this angle right here!

Voice of Taker:  Err…ew.

Ric Flair:  Shelton Benjamin!  I’m gonna take your old Lady for a Ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY!  WOOOO!

Mama:  Oh, my!  How about a little double mama action?

Shelton:  Mama…not on MLK.  I’m the only black wrestler on this show.  Can we keep it clean for ONE week?

Viscera:  Hey!

Shelton:  Fine.  I’m the only black wrestler who matters.

Vis:  Yeah.  Ok.

Shelton:  Can I have a match, Mr. McMahon?

Vince:  What the hell do I care?

Shelton:  Equal opportunity my ass.

Vince:  You have an equal opportunity of me not giving a crap about anything you do.

Ric Flair:  ALL NIGHT LONG!  WOOO!

TLC Memories….

Chris Tian:  You guys…like…you know I quit, right?  But you don’t have to keep blurring me out of those clips though.  I won’t sue or anything.  Uh…my favorite TLC memory was the time Paige Davis was…Screw this…Can I come back?  I’m tired of playing the Heat Machine for Sting already, and he’s going to be there for a whole year?  Uh-uh.

(ads)

Shelton Benjamin (w/ Mama Benjamin) v. The Big Show

Mama sweet talks show while Shelton sits in the corner thinking that there ain’t no stoppin’ him…NAH!  At least he doesn’t have to be Orlando Jordan’s love interest or anything.  After Show throws him around for a little while with some left handed fury, then Triple H runs out and says that he’s got two tickets to the Golden Globes, and he’s totally going to get backstage passes to feel up Scarlet Johansen, and since Stephanie is knocked up, he’s got room on his jet for one more.  Show goes running because he loves him some titties.  Shelton wins, but Moma is disappointed that he didn’t go to meet that nice girl.

(ads)

My Darling Stacy got a really high score this week for being the only girl on that show who doesn’t look washed up (sorry Tia!) or like a Sea Hag (sorry Jerry Rice!).  Seeing Stacy and Master P together again sure brings back some memories though, doesn’t it?  HOOTIE HOO!

Ric Flair v. Edge (w/ Lita)
In a TLC Match for the WWE Spinnin’ Title
 

Little Ashley Flair is sitting at ringside.  My, she’s come a long way from when Vince Russo was threatening to rape her.  Yeah…Good times.  Flair and Edge brawl at ringside to start, and Edge suplexes Flair out of the ring and through the announce table.  Flair blades.  Edge closes in as Flair is begging off, but Ric grabs him by the balls and tosses him back to the top of the ladder.  Flair climbs up and power bombs Edge to the floor below.  Flair goes up to the top of the ladder and goes for a 450 Splash, but Edge moves.  Flair blades.  Edge spears a chair.  Flair begs off.

(ads)

When we come back, Flair moonsaults off the top of the Titantron, through 15 tables and a barrel of barbed wire while Edge looks on in horror.  Flair blades.  Edge dives off one of the electrical boxes at Flair’s prone body, but Flair kips up and locks him in a mid air Figure Four.  In the midst of the submission hold, Ashley sets up a cannon, which Flair uses to launch himself into Edge, who is laying on top of a stack of chairs and broken bottles.  Edge moves.  Flair blades.  Edge loads himself into the cannon, but gets stuck.  When Lita tries to help him, she accidently launches him straight down into the ground.  Edge finds himself in the basement, where he is bitten by a rat.

Flair goes up the ladder and goes for the belt, but a desperate Lita raises the belt.  Flair stacks another ladder on the first, but still not enough.  Ric stands on the point of a Kendo stick and Lita can raise it no further.  Flair grabs the belt, but it spins in his hands and he flops.  Flair blades.  Edge finally makes his way up from the basement in some kind of Mechanized Robot Suit, which fires a nuclear missile at Flair.  It misses, but Flair blades anyway.  Edge starts to climb the ladder, but Flair chops him down.  Edge goes for a Spear, but Flair shoots a grappling hook into the air, and glides to safety.  Then he swan dives back to the floor, where he crashes through the hole Edge made with the Cannon.  Flair and the rat both blade.

Slowly, Edge crawls up the ladder, then the other ladder, then the Kendo stick, and he grabs the belt, when the ring explodes beneath him.  Edge dangles from the ceiling while Lita desperately tries to lower the belt.  Suddenly, Flair emerges from the hole with an army of rats, who proceed to scamper around the arena eating stray popcorn.  Flair calls dibs on any peanuts.  Edge finally drops from the ceiling, through the hole, past the lair of the rat king, and into the boiler room.

Mick Foley:  It’s been a long time since anybody’s crashed through here.

Edge:  My name is Bobbin Threadbare.  Are you my mother?

Foley:  Edge?!  You’re the WWE Champion?  Aw, we’ve really gone to hell haven’t we?

Edge:  I’ll have you know I just finished a ***** garbage match with Ric Flair.

Foley:  What kind of drugs are you on, man?

Edge:  No!  Seriously!  It happened!

John Cena drops down the hole.

John Cena:

They had a good match,
That’s not a lie,
\
Flair took him to the limit,
Mr. Moon Pie!

Flair was bumpin’ like Jeff Hardy,
Edge took some bumps too,
I’d hit Flair’s daughter,
Hotter than she was in WCW!

But now we’re in this hole,
Listening to the crowd cheer,
Not because of the match,
But because THE CHAMP….

Edge:  You still don’t have the belt.

Cena:  Aw, shucks.

Next Week:  In an effort to top themselves, Vince books a match over an active volcano filled with sharks with friggin’ laser beams attached to their heads…Lava sharks.  Also, Shelton’s mama propositions Joey Styles.  And John Cena and Ric Flair challenge Edge and Lita to a battle rap with HILLARIOUS results.

Join us then, won’t you?

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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