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Valentine's Come Early! 

January 31, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Night:  After having been granted supreme alien powers, John Cena descended to the ring and defeated Edge.  Some midget won the Royal Rumble match, much to the shock and dismay of me, who had all my Rumble Money riding on Big Show, Benjamin, and Orton.  Plus, Shane McMahon stole the gift of prance from Shawn Michaels.  What will he steal…TONIGHT?!
(Opening…Uh…Hold on a sec….)

HOLY SWEET JESUS ON A POLE it’s a monster!  Oh, wait.  It’s just Edge’s gigantic head.  There’s Lita too.  I wonder how they feel about losing to a spaceman.

Edge:  I know what you’re wondering!  How in world does it feel to lose to a spaceman?  I mean, I’m the rated TV-14 superstar!  I was

drawing the highest ratings RAW has seen since that one time The Rock made out with Sylvain Grenier!  We were on a roll!  Why take the title off of me?  Can a girl get a salad here?!  So, what?  John Cena crashes through the ceiling of the arena in his alien pal’s giant spaceship, suddenly learns the ancient secrets of levitation locked away in our minds by earth’s overlords, and now he gets to be the WWE Champion again?  I knew I shouldn’t have held on to that spinnin’ title belt.  Stupid stupid stupid!

Lita:  Yeah.  You are pretty stupid.

Edge:  What did you just say to me?!

Lita:  Dude, you lost to a guy who came flying down to the ring in a spaceship.  The worst I did was get hit on by “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan.

Edge:  Shut up.


Well, Here’s Vince McMahon out for a chat.  I hope he actually does something productive with his time this week instead of trying desperately to sell this Michaels angle.

Vince McMahon:  Thank you, thank you.  In the interest of fairness, I thought it might be a good idea to finally name a new RAW General Manager tonight.  But then I realized that nobody’s even really missed it thus far, and, quite frankly, the inmates are doing a fine job of running this particular asylum and booking their own matches.  In fact I’m positively giddy at the Trevor Murdoch v. Matt Striker main event they booked for tonight.  I can’t wait.  Something else I can’t wait for is my weekly chance to mock Shawn Michaels in some hilariously uncomfortable manner.  So without further ado, I’d just like to remind you all that my son, Shane McMahon, threw Shawn Michaels out of the Royal Rumble last night and then stole his ability to prance.  Also I convinced Melina not to sue me by grabbing her ass, and I convinced Mileena to set aside her differences with her sister princess Kitana and work for a better Edenia together.

This draws out Shawn Michaels who is pranceless and full of anger.  Suddenly, it’s PBS Presents OLD MAN THEATRE~!

Shawn Michaels:  That is a bald faced lie, you jerk.  Mileena is an evil clone!  A Tarkatan clone, at that!  Much like our Melina, in fact.  And I don’t think either one of them would turn to the light side!

Vince:  I’m not out here to debate the Mortal Kombat mythos with you Shawn.

Michaels:  Then why are we out here?

Vince:  Shawn, as you know, I have zero tolerance for guys who cramp my style.  As a matter of fact, I fired Juventud a few weeks ago, because somebody told me I was hitting on a boy.  The point is Shawn, that I really don’t like it that there’s another middle aged pretty boy running around here.  What’s worse is that you can still squat.  I can’t squat anymore, Shawn.  This has to end.

Michaels:  Hey, what do you want me to do, turn the other cheek?  Show you my ass?  Do you want me to start doing drugs so that I can expose this drug testing policy as a fraud and we can all go home?  Should I shave my chest and make you a new toupee, so that you’ll be a bigger hit with the ladies?  Look, man, I’ve got Whysper sitting at home.  I don’t need any slutty Boobsies or Victorias.  All I want to do is wrestle, prance, pray and be old.  Not in that particular order or anything, but you get the gist.

Vince:  I oughta sue you!  You’re a bigger liar than that guy from Oprah’s book club!  You’re trying to horn in on my hot old man action!

Michaels:  Look here, everybody knows the reason you’ve got balls the size of grapefruits is because you can’t get it up unless you’re on the phone with Al Snow!

Vince:  That’s not true!  Why I’m so mad, I’m gonna…I’m gonna….

Michaels:  You’re gonna what?  Oh, hey, Shane.  What’s up?

Shane McMahon:  Yo!  I’m gonna hit you with this chair.

Michaels:  Oh.

Shane:  Booyah!

And so Shane hits HBK with a chair.  And then he prances.  Shane has really awful shoes.  Their next target?  The mirror pants.


Todd Grisham is standing by with the McMahons….

Todd Grisham:  Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with the McMahons, and guys, I have to ask you, what were you thinking taking the belt off Edge so soon?  And Mark Henry main eventing a major PPV?  Seriously?

Shane McMahon:  You’d better be careful, Toddster, because you mess with a McMahon, and we just might kill you….

Grisham:  Promise?

Shane:  Metaphorically speaking.

Grisham:  Oh.

Shane:  Because just like Steve Austin, and just like Bret Hart, and Doink, and Zach Gowen we’re never going to let you forget these guys, because we look a whole lot cooler when we’ve screwed guys over in a major way.  Look how cool we are!  We drove Scott Hall to drink!  Again!

Grisham:  I’ve had just about enough of this!

So Todd thrusts himself into the limo and speeds headlong into a semi  The limo explodes and Todd Grisham has fallen.

Shane:  Uh…Yo!  Taxi!  Yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo!

John Cena:  Yo!  YO!  Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yoyo yoyo yo.  YO!

Shane:  Yo?

Cena:  YO!

Shane:  Oh.

Abe Orton v. Rob Van Dam

I don’t know if putting the druggie and the Orton in there together is really a great pairing, but we’ll try to make the best of it for Rob’s big return.  Five seconds into the match, RVD’s covered in flop sweat and flailing around in the corner.  Welcome back, Rob!  The crowd is chanting for a Boeing Jet to crash into the ring in the hopes that some better wrestlers will come out.  That’s rather…specific.  Poor, Rob.  Sadly, the plane never does hit the ring, so we’re stuck with Rob hitting the Five Star Frog splash to pick up the victory.  Now if you’ll excuse him, he’s gotta try to smoke the rust away.


This year’s Wrestlemania theme is “Solsbury Hill” by Peter Gabriel.  Because nothing says “Professional Wrestling” like Peter F’n Gabriel.


Mamma Benjamin:  How could you not score any points in the Royal Rumble?  I bet all kinds of money on you!

Shelton Benjamin:  On me?!  Oh, come on, lady.  You know I ain’t winnin’ that crap.

Mamma:  You could’ve told me that before I bet $500 that you were going to eliminate Tatanka.

Shelton:  Whatever.  I’m out of here.  There ain’t no stoppin’ me from getting coffee…NAH!

Trevor Murdoch:  Oh good.  He’s finally gone.

Mamma:  Bring your Deliverance ass on over to Mamma!

Murdoch:  Oh yes!  You’ll never forget the name of ffffffffpt Murdoch-ch.

Mamma:  Wait a second!  Are you Goldust?

Murdoch:  Well…I mean…on occasion.

Mamma:  Get on out of here!  You need to leave my girl Teri alone!  You ain’t her man no more!

Teri Runnels:  Tell him sister!

Mamma:  AH!

Wait a second…Didn’t I hear a rumor that Hunter was looking for some new music?  SLEDGEHAMMER!

Speaking of which, Maria Punk (nee Tennyson Lund) is standing by with The Game.

Maria Punk (nee Tennyson Lund):  Maria Punk Neep Tennyson Lund here, and I’m standing by with The Game.  The Game, I understand from my sources that you’re planning to change your theme music to something by Phil Collins is that true?

The Game:  ….

Rob Van Dam:  Duuude.  Uh, Maria, I don’t think that game can talk.  That’s Battleship.

Maria:  But, I was told to interview the game!

RVD:  Yeah!  All right!!

Electronic Talking Battleship:  Man your battle stations!

RVD:  Woooooooah!

Maria:  Talking Battleship, is there a God?

They both stare intently at the game board.

Triple H:  So I didn’t win the Royal Rumble after all.  It looks like a Higher Power was watching over Rey Mysterio last night.  Maybe it was Eddie Guerrero, maybe it was Electronic Talking Battleship, maybe it was Vince, maybe it was JBL, I don’t know.  I don’t see what good it does me being King of King and Lord of Lords if I can’t use any of that swing to help me win a match, but then again, Shawn’s had that same problem for years.  But, since Rey is over on Smackdown, I think I’ll take on the Next Best Thing….

Brock Lesnar:  I hate to break it to you, man, but I’m not coming back.

Triple H:  I said next best thing.  Next BEST thing.


Theodore Long:  You can’t do that, playa!  Lashley is on Smackdown too!

HHH:  Who the hell is he?

Long:  Hey, dawg, when you can’t have Brock why not have the next best thing, Bobby Lashley?

HHH:  Does he talk?

Lashley:  Not very well.

HHH:  For the record, I was talking about Chavo.

Brock:  I don’t get it.

Long:  Me neither.

Lashley:  Chavo isn’t big or strong.

HHH:  Because, if I can’t face Eddie or Rey the next best thing would be….

Lashley:  Me!  Because I’m The Next Best Thing, right?

HHH:  No, what I mean to say is….

Long:  Holla Holla!

Brock:  Triple H, your words confuse me, Triple H!  Maybe I should sue you, Triple H!  That would help, Triple H, if I could sue you, Triple H, for confusing me with your Triple H logic, Triple H.

HHH:  Oh forget it.

Done and done!

The Chavo Memorial v. Triple H

Coach immediately secures the top spot in my ballot for best announcer of January 2006, for ragging on Chavo for milking whatever is left of his sympathy heat dry.  I think this makes Joey sad.  I was just thinking that if Vince REALLY wanted to screw Michaels over, he could have Bob Orton come and bleed on him.  Chavo takes control of the match by hitting a cavalcade of your favorite Eddie spots.  Like the “straight right hand” and the “accidentally screw up a tornado DDT.”  I want to buy a commemorative plate that features either one of those.


I’d just like to state for the record that Chavo is not Eddie Guerrero.  I’m not sure anybody else noticed that, so I’m going to throw that out there.  Chavo hits the Three Amigos and Steve Martin  wonders what the hell he did.  Cheaper By the Dozen 2, dude.  I was going to work a Piper Perabo joke in here somewhere, but I just don’t have the energy.  She’s cute though.  Chavo goes up top for the World’s Fourth or Fifth Greatest Frog Splash, but it misses, because RVD has control of that move once again.  Besides, Triple H has sold just hard enough for you tonight, thanks.  PEDIGREE TO CHAVO~!


Carlito Caribbean Cool:  Listen, I don’t know why they keep cramming us into segments together.  It’s like…we’re two guys and we’re higher up on the card than the midcarders, but we’re not high enough to be in the main event every week, but they’ve gotta do something with us so…I don’t think it’s cool either, but if we’re going to be stuck together like some kind of horrible odd couple, let’s make the most of it, ok?  You cook and clean and generally be the straight edge kind of normal guy, and I’ll be the wacky partier who likes to spit apples at things and not take showers.  How does that sound?  Cool?  Cool.

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters:  Dude, leave me alone.

Then Masters slaps him.  Upper midcarders gotta learn to get along, I think.


Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters and Carlito Caribbean Cool v. Kane and The Big Show
In a World Tag Team Title Match?  

The tag teams have titles now?  I’m just kidding.  The tag scene really has needed more Kane lately.  It’s nice to see he found the belt.  Actually, that’s a lie.  He had to play skeeball until he got 3,000 tickets, and THEN he could buy his belt back out of the lost and found.  Carlito bails on the match early after he realizes that he’s not nearly the size of either guy on the opposing team.  Not even with his afro.  Masters tries to convince them to listen to various artichoke recipes, but the only artichoke that Kane and Show are interested in is the artichokeslamming Chris Masters.  And with that pun they win the match.


Maria is backstage with RVD.  They make a cute couple….

Maria Punk (nee Tennyson Lund):  Why won’t it say anything else?  Is it broken?

Rob Van Dam:  I don’t think so, dudette.  I used to have this same problem with Lance.  I just think it’s trying to cover for its sexual insecurity.

Maria:  Don’t worry Electric Talking Battleship, I’d let you have your way with me if I didn’t already have too many names!

RVD:  Yeah!  All right!!

Maria:  What’s this I hear about you being dead, anyway?

RVD:  You didn’t hear about the dragon that came and flew me to safety after we jumped off that cliff?

Maria:  No, I don’t watch wrestling.

RVD:  Me neither!  Maria, we have soooo much in common!

Maria:  Do you want to be friends?

RVD:  The best.

Maria:  Yay!

RVD:  Come on, Maria, Q’Bert.  Let’s blow this popsicle stand and find, like, a real popsicle stand.

Q’Bert:  What idiots!  #%@*!

Elsewhere, Alexis Laree is standing by with her damn self.

Alexis Laree:  I don’t need Todd Grisham’s ghost here pestering me, I can tell you myself that tonight, I’m going to deliver a shocking announcement that will change the course of women’s wrestling for years to come.  Trish, thank you for counting my pinfall last night!


Goldust v. Shelton Benjamin (w/ Mamma Benjamin)

I’d forgotten how much I missed Goldust…which was not at all really.  When’s Vader coming back again?  Mamma’s in a wheel chair because she found out that Big Mamma’s House 2 made almost $30 million last week, and she done had herself a stroke.  Ok, not really.  She’s just lazy.  Another successful graduate of the Coach Nash School of Wrestling.  Goldie punts Shelton right in the ol’ balls, but Shelton no-sells it and rolls him up for the win.  Thanks for coming back, Dustin!  Ain’t no stoppin’ Shelton from having kids…NAH!


Backstage Shelton is in a hall with Ric Flair.  This will end well.  

Shelton Benjamin:  Hey, Ric.  You know, I was just thinking, wouldn’t it be awesome if you and I had a match?  You know?  For the WWE Intercontinental Title?

Ric Flair:  Do I even still have that?

Shelton:  Yeah, man.  You’re holding it right there.

Flair:  That’s why you’re the champ!  WOO!

Shelton;  So, what about it?

Flair:  I don’t feel like jobbing to your mom.  Besides, I’m gonna take your old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY!  WOOOO!  Where is she?

Shelton:  She’s…OH SHOOT!  Mamma!

Meanwhile, Abe Orton rolls Mamma away, singing a song of her jaw.  In the ring….

Alexis Laree:  I said I had an announcement that will change the face of women’s wrestling for years to come, and I don’t aim to disappoint.  When I said “I love you” to Trish Stratus at the Royal Rumble, I didn’t mean as a fan, or a friend.  I didn’t say “I love you” like you would to that sister you only kind of like, or like you say to your dog Mr. Snugglecakes.  No, when I said “I Love You” I meant, “Trish Stratus, this quasilesbian storyline has gone on just long enough, we need to take it to a whole new level if we’re going to ride this thing out to Wrestlemania, so come on out here!

Heeeeeere’s Trish!

Trish Stratus:  Alexis….

Alexis:  I bought you this card.  It says “Cowabunga, Valentine!” on the front and there’s a picture of Donatello.  And then on the back, it says “I like you more than pizza!” and it’s signed WWE RAW Referee Mickie Jay, but I crossed that out and wrote my name.

Trish:  That’s really sweet.  I bought you a card too.  It has a picture of Batman punching The Joker, and it says “Leave me alone you friggin’ psycho!” and then on the back it says “I’m not CRAZY about you.”

Ashley Massaro:  I bought you a Valentine too, Trish!  It says “This Valentine’s Day, have a HEART” and it’s got the picture of the crappy kid from Captain Planet.  Then on the back it says “Don’t Pollute!  The Power is YOURS!”

Trish:  What the hell?  You gave me the last card left in your pack didn’t you?  Oh well, I love Captain Planet, and I love you, Ashley!  Of course I’ll be your Val….

Alexis:  Ok, time to break out the angle Raven taught me…Trish!  I’m pregnant!  You can’t leave me!

Trish:  Whaaaa?  How is that even possible?

Ashley:  Oh yeah?  Well…I’m pregnant too!

Trish:  This can’t be happening!

Alexis:  Come on, Trish!  You have to be my baby momma!

Ashley:  Oh no!  She’s my baby momma!

Trish:  I have a secret too!  I’m pregnant…but I don’t know who the mother is!

The girls share shocked glances, and then they make out while “It’s a Girl” balloons drop from the ceiling.  Elsewhere, I think Edge and Lita are lost.  Too bad you don’t have a spaceship to take you to the ring, huh.

[Commercial Break]

Edge (w/ Lita) v. John Cena
For the WWE Spinnin’ World Title

APPLE DOUGH!  THE CHAMP IS HERE!  Cena is sadly sans spaceship, which makes him about a trillion times stupider.  Edge has his “I can’t believe after three weeks of great ratings and tremendous heel heat, I’m going to lose to this dumbass again” face on.  That’s ok, Edge, you can try harder tomorrow.  Besides, at least you can say you’ve had a better career than Chris Tian.  Right?  And you don’t even have to play Heat Machine for the Sting leaving fiasco.  Cena blows kisses to Lita as we prepare for these….


When we come back, Edge and Cena are locked in the immortal struggle that is bloody knuckles.  Edge flinches, so Cena punches him in the face.  The crowd is bored, so they just start booing everything anybody does.  That’s what you get when you can’t promise live sex anymore, WWE!  Edge goes for the spear, but Cena levitates above him.  That’s hardly fair.  Damn your alien powers, Cena!  Cena goes to give Edge the FU, but Lita grabs the Spinnin’ title and whacks Edge in the face with it.  That’s a…DQ?  Everybody looks confused, so Lita sheepishly hits herself in the face with the title, knocking herself out.  Your winner?  Uh…WWE RAW Referee Mickie Jay.  MICKIE JAY IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!  

Next Week:  Edge spends his entire paycheck to buy himself a spaceship, only to have Lita “accidentally” crash it on the way to the arena.  Shawn Michaels and Shane McMahon’s feud heats up when Shane steals the Mirror Pants.  And we have the Worlds Greatest Baby Shower!

All that and more…Next Week!


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RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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