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RAW SATIRE    
RAW is Going to the Dogs   

February 7, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Edge lost his chance to become WWE Champion again when Lita decided to hit him in the face. Triple H helped kick off, “Can we PLEASE Lay off the Eddie Heat?” week. And was that Shane McMahon who stole the gift of prance from Shawn Michaels? Yes it was, and he’s looking to steal a lot more…TONIGHT!!
 
Here’s a little video package I like to call, “Oh Crap, we can’t let Orton or Rey main event Wrestlemania! Find some way to get Hunter in there!”

(Opening Credits)

We are LIVE from Hotlanta, Georgia, birthplace of Chris Benoit, WCW, and OO Writer… uh… Canadian Bulldog? Anyway, here's

Edge and Lita and hopefully they’re going to offer an explanation as to what the hell was up with the ending to RAW last week.

Edge: I know what you’re all thinking, and no, I’m not going to offer an explanation as to what the hell was up with the ending to RAW last week. All you should do is shut up and stare at Lita’s tits. See, I figured since we’re here in the heart of WCW country, it would make perfect sense to just move on with no explanation of the events of the week before.

Lita: What he means to say is that I knew that he was going to lose the match if Cena was allowed to hit the F-U. I also knew that he had a clause in his contract that stated that he would get a second rematch in the case that the first one ended in a DQ victory. So I waffled him in the head to give him that second match.

Edge: No, I’m pretty sure what I mean to say is that I’m a dick, and I’m not about to get this angle over with these hicks. Now jiggle those titties and lets get out of here.

Lita: I’m pretty sure what I meant to say was that I like to hit you in the face with things, and I hope that one day, I either break your jaw so you shut the hell up or knock some sense into you. And a good catchphrase.

Maria Punk (nee Tennyson Lund): I’ve got a good catchphrase!

Edge: What in the hell are you doing out here?

Maria: Oh, I’ve been here the whole time, I was supposed to interview you.

Edge: How’d that work out?

Maria: Not very well.

Lita: What’s your catchphrase, hon?

Maria: I’m straight edge! Grrr!

Lita: You’re about as straight edge as Kate Moss.

Maria: Yay!

Hacksaw Jim Duggan: What’s goin’ on out here?!

Lita: Ok. What the hell do you want?

Duggan: I was backstage looking for the WCW TV title and then I came out here to check under the ring, and I find you guys arguing about catchphrases. Tough guys!

Lita: Go on, hit your big line.

Duggan: USA! USA!

Lita: No, not that one you stupid drunk.

Duggan: Yar, I’ll clean your toilets, Mr. Bischoff!

Edge: Huh? That guy doesn’t even work here any more! You know what? Get out of this decade!

Edge spears Duggan back to the 80s.

Edge: Wait a second. Hold the banana phone! I’m straight edge? I’m straight Edge! I’m straight Edge! I’m straight Edge! Somebody print up some T-Shirts!

Maria: But that’s my catchphrase!

Edge: Fight you for it!

Maria: You’re on!

They brawl briefly before Edge pulls Maria’s hair to take the advantage. Edge is about to roll her up for the win, when John Cena attacks him out of nowhere. Edge and Lita go up the ramp, as Cena checks on Maria, secure in the knowledge that Edge still doesn’t have a catchphrase.

(ads)

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters v. Kane
Jello Pudding Pop Battle to Advance in the Road to Wrestlemania Tournament

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: We certainly are lucky to get this draw in the Road to Wrestlemania tournament! Iron Chef has needed more Kane for some time!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: I’ll say. There’s only so many times you can watch Bobby Flay rub casserole on his nipples or Morimoto-san try to make a hamburger out of octopus. I can’t wait to see what Kane prepares.

Fukui: The man can certainly open a can of Chef Boyardee, if the going gets tough. Maybe some Chocolate Pudding Pop Beefaroni is just what the doctor ordered!

Hatori: I ordered the salad.

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Unfortunately, the challenger’s penchant for pyro has lead to his downfall, as he keeps lighting the pops on fire and melting them. It appears that the Iron Chef will pick up the win just by presenting each judge with an unopened case of Pudding pops.

Fukui: That seems kind of cheap.

Hatori: Screw you. I’m going to chow down on this melted Vanilla Pudding Pop Salad until the cows come home. And by the cows I mean your mom.

Fukui: Would you stop it? Oh well, the Iron Chef advances to the next round, join us next week in Kitchen Stadium when we find out who will reign supreme!

Backstage, Edge and Lita are with Mr. McMahon….

Vince McMahon: Look, if this is about becoming GM, I’ve already told you, I forgot all about hiring a GM. I thought I would have taken care of that weeks ago. Even still, I wouldn’t hire you because you don’t have a catchphrase.

Edge: I’m straight Edge!

Vince: Yeah, well unfortunately for you, Maria owns that one.

Lita: We’re not here about the GM job anyway, we’re here to see if you couldn’t let me be the referee for the title match next week.

Vince: Quite frankly, in the interest of fairness, I couldn’t see you calling that match straight down the middle.

Lita: Oh come on. I can’t stand Cena OR Edge. I’m perfect.

Edge: Plus, check out her boobs. Jiggle jiggle.

Vince: Be that as it may, I need some main event filler for tonight, and I can’t think of anything better than You and Lita taking on John Cena and Maria in a mixed tag match. Seriously. I can’t think of anything better. That makes me sad.

Edge: And the winner of the match gets to pick the guest referee?

Vince: Uh…sure. Whatever.

Edge: Can a girl get a salad? OF COURSE SHE CAN! This is great!

Vince: Now, if you all gather around my cell phone here, I’d like you all to take a look at the genetic jackhammer in action.

Lita: Haven’t you learned anything? Sigh.

(ads)

Ashley Massaro v. Alexis Laree
With Special Guest Referee
Trish Stratus

Correct me if I’m wrong, but it’s not really good for pregnant women to be having wrestling matches is it? Or refereeing for that matter? Maybe I’m wrong. Just seems that they’d be just as well off paying a visit to Ol’ Abe Orton is all. Anyway, the girls roll around for a few minutes, before things get SO hot and heavy that they decide that rather than wrestle, they’d like very much to have a tickle fight. However, in the middle of the tickling contest, Ashley nails Alexis over the head with a vase and picks goes for the cover. Trish decides to allow it so that they can pack it in early tonight. Alexis is STUNNED!

(ads)

The Spirit Squad are in the ring singing “Holla Back Girl.” Jim Cornette is very proud.

Backstage, Alexis is talking to Trish.

Alexis Laree: No, no. I think we’ll all make great single moms.

Trish Stratus: About that….

Alexis: Oh, man you’re not dating Viscera again, are you?

Trish: No, nothing like that.

Alexis: Good, because forget about what a dick move that was back in the ring, I’d never be able to forgive you for goin’ back to Garbage Bag Pants.

Jack Dodge: I am here to give flight to every ugly guy’s dream that he may some day get to hump Trish Stratus.

Trish: That’s my date? Remind me to throttle casting.

The Voice of The Undertaker: It’s a word joke. If you ever married him, you’d be Trish Dodge-Stratus. Just roll with it, baby.

Jack: Ready to go?

Trish: Go vomit maybe. Yeah. Let’s get out of here. The less screen I have to share with you the better.

They leave.

Alexis: That was awkward.

Josh Matthews: Just think of how conflicted you’d be if she was dating me.

Alexis: I’d be jealous. You’re a hottie.

Then Alexis starts squinting because her contacts are all dried out. Elsewhere….

Shelton Benjamin: Forget Shawn Michaels. I know very well, that there ain’t no stoppin’ me…NAH! Especially not with you at my side.

Mama Benjamin: Oh, Shelton. There will come a time when I’m not at your side, honey child. Moma’s going to have to leave you some day.

Shelton: No! Don’t say that Mama!

Mama: I have to, child. It’s called foreshadowing!

Shelton: Uh…whatever. I’m going to leave you to sit here while I wander off and look for a sandwich.

Mama: That boy! Didn’t he learn anything last week when Abe Orton stole me and tried to take me home before I was able to wheel myself out of his grasp? What the hell is that? A Skinner action figure? Who’d have that crap?

Eugene: A-ha! It is I! The master of disaster, Eugene! I’m on to you Mama Benjamin…or should I say…Thea?

Mama: Who the…Don’t say things like that around here, man! This is my job!

Eugene: I know who you are. I’ve seen Thea, yeah. I watched that episode of Whoopi….

Mama: Why?!

Eugene: Let’s just say that we Internet wrestling fans, we don’t take kindly to actors pretending to be wrestlers around here. And we especially don’t like what you’ve done to the great athlete known as Shelton Benjamin! He was well on his way to being released and to TNA by the end of the year before you had to come and give him a personality! Shame on you! SHAME!

Mama: OH! It’s all true!

Shelton: I’m back…What did you say to her, man?

Eugene: I voted for you right under Chris Benoit in the best Technical wrestler category!

Shelton: Aw, thanks, man.

(ads)

Triple H v. Ric Flair
To Advance in the Road to Wrestlemania Tournament

I guess no old ladies will be going for rides on Space Mountain tonight. Good news for fat boys everywhere. Woo? Hunter, of course, is willing to sell like hell for a 90 year old man, because Lord knows, Flair of all people isn’t going to try to jump him on the card. Much to his credit, Flair spends almost the entirety of his time on offense begging off. Did you know My Darling Stacy scored a perfect 30 out of 30 on “Dancing with the Stars” last week? Now if she can only spin kick the ever living crap out of Nick Lachey’s brother, she’s in it to win it!

(ads)

When we come back, Hunter’s locked up in the Figure Four, and he’s selling it for all it’s worth. Take that, Vince Russo! I know I suggested that Hunter use “Sledgehammer” as his theme song last week, but upon further review, I think WWE should see if Sarah McLaughlin would do a cover of it. That would be hot. Flair nails the low blow on HHH after the hold is broken, but it’s all for naught as his trick knee acts up and he falls into the Pedigree. While he’s being pinned, Flair whispers, “That’s why you’re the champ! WOO!” to Hunter. Flabbergasted that his old mentor would take the fall for him to advance towards Wrestlemania, Triple H nearly swallows his mustache.

If you missed the Superbowl, you didn’t miss much. The commercials were lame, and Ben Rothlesberger didn’t even give a shout out to Coach like he promised. Speaking of lame commercials, this one starring WWE Diva Boobsie McTitsalot didn’t air.

Boobsie McTitsalot: Hi! I have boobs!

Al Wilson: Oops, I died again!

Torrie Wilson: You killed my dad! Wanna make out?

At least it was better then that razor ad. Backstage….

Maria Punk (nee Tennsyon Lund): John, I’m really nervous.

John Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Maria: That’s great. Listen, can we talk about my feelings for a minute?

Cena:

We got a big match,
Edge cant’ see me!
I got the title belt,
He wants to be me.


Lita in his corner,
But I got Maria,
She’s got a nice ass,
I’m just John Cena!

Next week is the dog show,
My Bulldog has no fear!
He’s going to win the blue ribbon,
He can say…

THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Maria: That was terrible! And to think I was going to let you feel me up!

Cena: Damn! I KNEW I should have rapped about my prized Pekinese!

(ads)

Big Show v. Shawn Michaels
To Advance in the Road to Wrestlemania Tournament

Should be a good one fol…Oh wait. Here’s Vince McMahon.

Vince McMahon: Shawn Michaels, I don’t know how many weeks I have to come out here in a row and try to convince you that maybe, just maybe, it’s time to quit. I mean your comeback was new and exciting and refreshing, like four years ago. But now you’re just some old guy who wrestles all the time. So, I’m going to make your retirement effective next week mandatory. Uh…mandatory meaning not voluntary. Mandatory. Just in case there was any confusion there. I guess retirement angles are hot right now. Don’t worry though, you’ll be back in time to job to Jarrett at Nothin’ But Cage Matches. Err…I mean, Hunter at Backlash. And since nobody likes forgone conclusions in an already telegraphed tournament, I’ve picked a different replacement to take your spot while you can come up here and gripe about your back or whatever it is that old people talk about.

(ads)

The Big Show v. Shelton Benjamin (w/ Mama Benjamin)
To Advance in the Road to Wrestlemania Tournament

Well, now that he’s in the tournament, there ain’t no stoppin’ him…NAH! Shelton Benjamin is going to Wrestlemania! Nah, of course he’s not. The hightlight of the match comes when Show goes over to share a bag of popcorn with Mama, but she gets a kernel stuck in her throat and so she collapses. Temporarily distracted by Randy Orton’s impromptu win over his mother, Shelton Benjamin misses being choke slammed and jobbed straight out of the tournament entirely. Show, Shelton, a host of referees and WWE Chief Physician Dr. The Boogeyman gather around her.

WWE Chief Physician Dr. The Boogeyman: I’m…Dr. Boogeyman! And I’m comin’…to WHEEL you!

Big Show: I think she has a popcorn kernel stuck in her throat.

Dr. The Boogeyman: Leave the expert analysis to the trained professionals!

Dr. The Boogeyman declares her dead on the scene. They wheel her out while Undertaker’s music plays. At least Shelton can get a sympathy push out of this for a few months. He can even dedicate a match or two to her memory before Rob Conway says that she went to hell on Heat. Anyway, She…wait a minute!

You CAN’T die, Mama Benjamin! You’re on my fantasy team! Dammit! $1,000,000 wasted!

(ads)

Todd Grisham is standing by with Carlito….

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Carlito, and Carlito, I’ve gotta ask, are those apples poisoned? Because I have a serious jones for some poisoned apples.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: No they’re not poisoned! Geez. Guy does that one friggin’ time…anyway, weren’t you going to ask me about the premature blow off of my feud with RVD?

Grisham: Quite frankly, I don’t care.

Carlito: But I’ve got tons of great material about how I’m going to Wrestlemania, and how I’m going to beat the man that I put out for six months in the first place to get there.

Grisham: Yeah, yeah. You’ll just job to Triple H if you make it any further.

Carlito: You don’t have to rub it in! Rubbing it in isn’t cool!

Grisham: Just give me that apple.

Grisham eats the entire apple in one bite, only to have it get stuck in his throat where he chokes on it and dies. EMTs wheel him into a spot next to Mama Benjamin in the morgue.

(ads)

Carlito Caribbean Cool v. Rob Van Dam
To Advance in the Road to Wrestlemania Tournament

There are just far too many names in this match. Van Dam takes control of the match early, and he’s looking pretty good. Either he’s back on the weed, or being in the ring with anybody BUT Abe Orton is an exciting prospect right now. Hey, at least you’ll get to work the ECW Pay Per View this year, Rob. Probably. RVD jumps out of the ring, three rows deep into the crowd and takes out a peanut vendor while Carlito looks on in horror. It’s nice to have you back, Rob.

(ads)

Carlito does a backflip. The crowd chants TNA. Ok, ok. One guy chants TNA. He’s no Samosa Joe, I’ll tell you. Carlito knees Rob in the back, but RVD counters by jumping around the ring and kicking at random intervals. Carlito goes outside to get a chair and wait this out, but Rob is one step ahead of him and he nails the Van Daminator. Frog Splash. Pin. When RVD is one step ahead of you, you’re in trouble. RVD v. Masters next week, huh? I hope for Master’s sake it isn’t a Cheetos battle.

The results of the WWE.com poll are in, and a stunning 62% think that Tyson Tomko is on his way to Wrestlemania!

(ads)

Edge and Lita v. John Cena and Maria Punk (nee Tennyson Lund)

APPLE DOUGH! Cena and Edge start things off and things don’t look good for the reigning champion, as he can barely put two moves together, so he tags in Maria, who is the much more accomplished amateur. She and Edge go through a string of armbars which earns them an Indy appreciation clap before Cena gets back into the match. Lita hits Edge with a Hurricanrana. She’s…she’s rusty folks. Edge hits her with a retaliatory Spear. She should have said “no backsies.” When she recovers, Lita tries to distract everyone by taking off her shirt, but she’s wearing a bra, which kind of dilutes the point. Entirely. So, instead Cena gets her with the FU, followed up by Maria with the Pepsi Plunge, and Cena and Maria are your winners. Cena’s got the mic.

John Cena: I know we’ve gotta give the people something to look forward to next week, so instead of waiting to announce the special guest referee, why don’t I just let you in on a little secret. THE REF IS HERE! That’s right. It’s somebody cool! Somebody crazy! Somebody who’s a little hardcore….

Maria Punk (nee Tennyson Lund): Jenna Jamison?

Lita: Gordon Lightfoot?

Edge: Chilly Willy?

Hacksaw Jim Duggan: WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda?

John Cena: Better than all of that wrapped up in a bag of kittens! Mick Foley!

Mick Foley: Buy my book!

Next Week: Triple H and Nibblins stage a five star infiltration scheme to try to upset the judging. Chloe the RAW Satire Mutt scores high marks for her Pedigree, when she slams the other dogs out of the competition. And Al Greene drinks out of a toilet.

Also, I hear there’s something going on some other night of the week. Check your local listings.

And now, for something extra, the Smackdown Rebound: Satire Edition:

Randy Orton: Rey Misterio! I can’t believe you started what you finished at the Regal Tumble! But you’ll never beat me at your own game!

Rey Misterio: The Ghost of Eddie will save me!

Orton: I’m not ascared of no ghosts!

Misterio: Undertaker is…a kind of a ghost.

Orton: Oh no! Not the Takester!

Misterio: I’m…uh…Wait, why would I put my Royal Rumble win on the line against you again?

Orton: Edgie isn’t up there! Eddie’s down there! Under the ring!

Eddie Guerrero: Quiet holmes!

Rey Misterio: That’s it, it’s on like Donkey Kong!

Mark Henry: Did somebody say my name? I’m the worlds Stankiest man!

Khosrow Daivari: Layleyahlayleahoooooooh!

Kurt Angle: Why the hell did I agree to come over to this show.

Undertaker: Hell if I know.

Orton: The Takerster! Get back! I have a communicable disease!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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