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Shawn Michaels' Time Machine 

February 17, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: Fluffers the Cairn Terrier shocked the competition by hitting Buttons the Schnauzer with a Rock Bottom. Plus, Chloe the RAW Satire Mutt scored Gold in the Biathlon. And…Wait…none of that happened last week. That was THIS week. Maybe some of this will happen…TONIGHT! 
(Opening Credits)

Triple H v. The Big Show
In a Road to Wrestlemania Match

Well, geez. We start off with a match. Wonderful. Haha…I’m writing this so now Rick has to write a recap. Yeah…I’ll take my shots where I can get them. Eventually, Show gets sick of selling for Hunter, so he goes outside to 

get some pudding pops, then when HHH gets close enough, he stabs him with a pudding pop shiv. Ouch. WWE RAW Referee Mickey James decides to allow it on principals of creativity. While the announcers fawn over Show’s hands, Triple H tosses Show, who slowly runs toward the steel post, stops, and then falls over. Show is a bloody mess!


Show is bleeding all over the damn place when we come back. I hope he’s been checked for STDs. Actually, Hunter’s probably the one to worry about here, eh? He counters a chokeslam attempt by asking Show if he’s still one half of the WWE World Tag Team Champions, waiting for Show to work it out in his head, and then kicking him in the balls. It only gets a two count. Surprisingly, Hunter works some knee based offense. More knees. More knees. Oh! He totally faked like he was going to kick him but then he hit him with a knee. After the knee has been firmly established as a threat, Hunter goes for the rare Spread Eagle Pedigree, which only gets two because it looks ridiculous. He goes for a regular ol’ Pedigree, but Show don’t bend like that any more, so instead he just ends up flailing around until Show tosses him out of the ring. They threaten to take out the announce table, but Lawler maces them away from his laptop. That’s where he keeps all his porn! You gotta fight to save the porn, Jerry! The announce table spot cancelled, Show just decides to spear Triple H through the guard rail.

Big Show: Geez. Good thing nobody was in this section when I did that. How did you know we were coming?!

Security Guy: I read the damn script.

The Voice of the Undertaker: Hold on a second there, mister….

Security Guy: Hey! I don’t have to bow down to you. I exist in the real world!

Voice of Taker: Damn.

Security Guard: And another thing, your ass is old. Get out of the main event!

Voice of Taker: Don’t make me nail you to a cross.

Show: Symbol. “Don’t make me nail you to a symbol.” And seriously, man, that was like seven friggin’ years ago. You don’t do that crap any more. All you do is ride around on ponies and shoot photoshopped lightning at people.

Voice of Taker: And all you do is steal spots from Goldberg.

Security Guard: Don’t you mean Austinberg?

Triple H: Holy Crap! My pelvis is in my Face!!

Chief WWE Physician Dr. The Boogeyman: Don’t worry! I’m The Boogeyman, and I’m comin’ to STRAIGHTEN YA!

HHH: Hold on a second…Hmm…Oh, that’s the spot…you’re the best, Hunter!

Then WWE RAW Referee Mickey James finally calls this a double count out. Woah, wait…double count out? But what does this mean for the Road to Wrestlemania? WHERE WILL THIS WEB OF LIES END?! Something tells me that RVD still has no chance at winning.


Shawn Michaels Flashback: February, 1997

Shawn Michaels: Folks, this has been a long hard road for ol’ HBK. My bad back has nearly forced me to retire twice, I won the World Wrestling Entertainment title by screwing over Bret Hart at Survivor Series, and to make matters worse, Vince McMahon is trying to get me to retire. I guess you could say I’ve lost my smile.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Time Travelin’ Jim Cornette: This is ludicrous! None of that stuff has even happened to you yet! This makes me so MAD I could just slap somebody if it wouldn’t get me fired. Again.

Bret Hart: Wait…what did you do to me?

Steve Austin: What?

80’s Hair Tough Enough Jessie: NO! Don’t leave Shawn! Tell me a lie! Say that you won’t go! Waaaaaaaaaaaah!

Jim Cornette: Wait…why do you have 80s hair in this Flashback? It’s 1997!

Tough Enough Jessie: I don’t know! WAAAAAAH!

Then the spirits of 1997 Goldberg and 1997 Steve Austin merge and use their combined powers to punt Bret Hart in the head.

Todd Grisham is standing by with Vince McMahon and his Legal Team.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Vince McMahon, and Vince, at least I can say that your lawyers look like actual TV lawyers and not anybody who will take a bump for you. Good casting.

Vince McMahon: Do you have anything relevant to say, Todd?

Grisham: Each day I stay under your employment I want to destroy myself so that one less person in this world serves your purpose of subjecting others to your grand mediocrity.

Vince: Well, I’ll have you know that, quite frankly, you’ll want to be here next week, because in that very ring you’ll see Big Show AND Triple H competing against the winner of tonight’s other qualifying match for a shot at the WWE Title at Wrestlemania.

Grisham: But…They both lost! LOST! They can’t both advance if they’re losers.

Vince: You of all people should know that losers can get somewhere in life, Todd.

Grisham: Screw you! This whole company is a sham!

Todd wraps a plastic bag around his head and very…very slowly passes out. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Lawyer: Workplace suicide. That’s not good!

Vince: We’ll just say he fell over, then claim that Orton killed him, and then claim that Orton was driven temporarily insane by the dismissal of his father. OR claim that he was under the control of the Undertaker.

Lawyer: And you can’t charge a disembodied voice with any crimes. Excellent.

Mama Benjamin: I’m back from the dead, and I ain’t happy.

Lawyer: Be adviced, Mr. McMahon that under subsection 22 of paragraph 18a in the case of L. Kennedy….

Leon Kennedy: Kennedy!

Lawyer: ….vs. The People of Raccoon City, you don’t have to answer to the demands of the living dead.

Vince: Be that as it may, what do you want?

Mama: I’d like to know why my baby, Shelton hasn’t beaten Ric Flair for the Intercontinental Title yet.

Vince: Well, usually we like to let these things simmer a little bit, Mama, you see, Wrestlemania is right around the corner, and with nothing lined up for Mr. Flair or Mr. Benjamin, I just figured I’d let it run until then. I know you come from the world of sitcoms where you’re used to instant gratification, but things take a little longer around here.

Rob Van Dam: A “little longer” is that what you call it?

Vince: Here’s some crayons and an old box. Make a space ship.

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Mama: I didn’t come no way from OrangeyougladIdidntsaybanana, South Dakota to be disrespected by no tanning parlor gropin’ 90 year old man!

Vince: Only parts of that statement are partially true!

Lawyer: Deny everything!

Shelton Benjamin: I’m sorry, Mr. McMahon. I can wait. I promise I’ll be good!

Mama: I knew it! There ain’t no stoppin’ my baby…NAH!

Elsewhere, Mick Foley checks out his Referee Shirt.

Mick Foley: Eat your heart out TNA iMPACT! Referee Earl Hebner, you’ve never looked this cool!

Edge: Hey, Mick! So you’re not going to blatantly cheat against me are you?

Foley: Are you kidding? Of course not! Sodas Rule! Remember? And the Kazoo? What fun!

Edge: Phew. I was thinking, for my next title run, what if I dressed like a pirate every night and called myself the Rated Yarrrr Superstar?

Paul Burchill: Ey! That’s stealing my gimmick and phrase, it is!

Foley: I hate to break it to you both, but I’ve already got “Rated Yarrrr Superstar” Trademarked from my stint as Cap’n Jack Foley.

Lita: Just face it baby, you’ll never come up with a good catchphrase.

Chris Tian: So what the hell is up, bro? I held up my end of the bargain. Where’s your World Title?

Edge: I…lost it. At the Royal Rumble, because I couldn’t come up with a good enough catchphrase to beat John Cena.

Tian: Damn…that sucks.

Edge: Nice title you got there though. What’d you do? Rob a bowling trophy store?

Tian: Pfft. Probably. It’s not much to look at is it? At least it doesn’t spin. I can’t wait to job it back to Jarrett so he can face Sting at TNA Nothin’ But Cage Matches, and I can go over to Japan and win one of those titles that’s, like, 20 different belts and a ten foot tall trophy.

Edge: Hey, that’s an idea. I wouldn’t even need a catchphrase to get over there, I’m a silly gaijin.

Foley: Worked for me.

Lita: I’m not moving to Japan.

Tian: Don’t be such a chum bucket, Lita. Japan has a lucrative used panties market you could get in on.

Lita: Oooh….

Foley, Edge, and Christian: Sodas Rule!


Shelton Benjamin (w/ Mama Benjamin) v. Eugene

Eugene comes out with a box of chocolates to give to Shelton in the hopes that Shelton will be his Internet Valentine. The Valentine on the front reads:

Roses are Red,

Violets are Blue,

Northern Lights Suplex,

1...2...And He got him! No he didn’t!

Mama Benjamin always said Shelton was like a box of Chocolates, there ain’t no stoppin’ him…NAH! Eugene is showing now signs of being totally cracked out which is nice. I knew having Kate Moss as his sobriety buddy would help. She scared him straight! If not for her, he’d probably be in some chat room ODing on Ho-Hos. I told u he waz hardcore! Anyway, Shelton wins after a suplex. Awesome finisher, dude.

Shelton Benjamin: I decided that I can’t wait for Wrestlemania, I’m going to face Ric Flair next week! Then we’ll see who’s taking whose old ladies for rides on popular theme park rides. Woo?

Eugene: Your promos still suck.

Shelton: Man, shut up!

Shawn Michaels Flashback: October 1997.…

Shawn Michaels: Dude! I lost my contact! Hold on….Don’t move!

Kevin Nash: Ok…ok…where were you when it fell out.

Michaels: Right over here somewhere….

Scott Hall: What’s going on?

Nash: Shawn lost his contact.

Hall: Where?

Nash: Down there!

Hall and Nash: Hahahahahaha….

Triple H: Come on, guys! This is real serious business! Mr. Shawn lost his contact! Let’s help him find it! I like to help people!

Nash: Shut up, Triple Gay!

Kanyon: Who’s Gayer than Kanyon?!

Pat Patterson: Me?

Michaels: I found it! I can see again!

And so they all celebrated. Backstage, Ashley makes sure she still has boobs. Yep.


Ashley Massaro v. Torrie Wilson (w/ Chloe The RAW Satire Mutt and Boobsie McTitsalot)

Chloe skis down to the ring and shoots Ashley in the foot. I think that’s worth ten points on WWE Fantasy. I KNEW I should have traded Tomko for her. Maybe I’m just distracted by the fact that there isn’t anybody in that ring that I haven’t seen naked already. Even WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton. Torrie hits all the moves Kidman taught her (the X-Factor), but Ashley picks up the win by rolling Torrie up doggy style. That’s ok, though because Boobsie’s got the mic.

Boobsie McTitsalot: OMG! Torrie, guess what? I’m going to be on the cover of BOOBS Magazine! Isn’t that exciting? I heard Boobs Hebner is going to sleep with me! It’s going to be the hottest boobs ever!

Torrie is pissed, because Boobs Hebner never offered to sleep with her. What the hell, man? She’s blonde!


Yes! It’s retirement party time. I’d like to thank everyone who has read the Satire over the years, CRZ, Ri…Oh…Shawn Michaels’ retirement party. Damn.

Vince McMahon: Shawn, welcome to your retirement party. I bought you a cake, and I was going to have Stephanie jump out and hit you with a chair, but then she ate the cake. What a fatty I raised, huh? Anyway, I was thinking how best to celebrate the retirement on one of my most popular great wrestlers ever. I thought first, fire you and just put up a notice on WWE.com wishing you the best in your future endeavors and that would be that. Then I thought, no! I’ll have you job out to Triple H! But…that’s been done to death. Then I thought I’d remind you that poor lil’ Whysper and your kids are sitting at home wondering where the hell daddy is, but then I remembered that we’re on national TV. So…I’m completely at a loss. Why did I announce this segment last week?

Spirit Squad:

Who’s got the body that rocks the party?
Shawn’s got the body that rocks the party!
Shawn’s the man!
Yeah! WOO! You’re old!

Shawn Michaels: Wow…I don’t know what to say…this is the single worst retirement party I’ve ever been to. Even worse than the one I had in Lord of the Reign…at least there I still had a belt.

Vince: You’re totally rocking that pink tie though. Seriously, though, man, just sign this contract and everything will be taken care of.

Michaels: This is a tender offer to play for the Washington Nationals.

Vince: Well…Can you play left field?

Michaels: Yeah, but I can’t steal for crap anymore.

Vince: Seriously though, dude, we’re running out of guys to induct in the Hall of Fame. If you don’t retire now, the lead induction next year will be Abe Knuckleball Schwartz. Is that something you want to see?

Michaels: Hehehe…Actually…kind of.

Vince: What would it take to get you to retire?

Michaels: A parade? Here’s some confetti.

Vince: Hey! You just ripped up the contract!

Michaels: Yeah…I’m going to take the ol’ reduced schedule thing this year anyway. You can just pretend I’m retired.

Vince: Damn you for besting me, Michaels! I’ll see you in hell!

Michaels: Apparently, I’ll have good company anyway.


Bret Hart is being inducted into the Hall of Fame. Who the hell is this guy?

Rob Van Dam v. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
Cheetos Battle in the Road to Wrestlemania Tournament

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Oh man…I’ve been eating M&Ms for…like…twelve hours now. Except for the green ones. The green ones are trying to eat me!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: It seems as though you’ve been spending too much time in the challenger’s area.

Fukui: Is he building a wall out of Cheetos?

Hatori: And a life-sized tribute to Lance Storm!

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: I ate all the challenger’s beef jerky. There goes his Jerkeetos Pot Roast. Hahahaha…duuuude.

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters: This is ridiculous! Kitchen Stadium is no joke!

Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All right!!

Hatori: Let’s throw it over to the judges!

WWE Chief Physician Dr. The Boogeyman: This wall of Cheetos tastes better than a whole pile of worms! I’m the Boogeyman, and I’m comin’ to JUDGE YOU!

Fortune Teller: I predict that you’re going to win!

Local Politician: I don’t know what you people see in this, it’s…woah…this Lance Storm is BLOWING MY MIND!

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Masters: Preposterous!

Fortune Teller: Don’t player hate! Bitch!

Fukui: Looks like RVD has beaten our Iron Chef! What a shocking turn of events! Join us next time when we find out Who Will Reign Extreme!

Alexis Laree is enjoying some of Trish’s fruit tray, when in walks Jack Dodge.

Jack Dodge: Hey, Alexis, is Trish around?

Alexis Laree: Ah! A troll?

Jack: No, it’s just me, Trish’s ugly boyfriend.

Alexis: Is she seriously that desperate for some sex?

Jack: Casting apparently thinks so….

Alexis: I wonder what Christopher Walken is doing right now….

Christopher Walken: I’m trying to find a pair of pants. All anybody’s got around here is underwear, and I can’t just wear underwear, you know? Also, I think this episode of RAW needs more Kane. I get paid $5,000 to say that, did you know?

Jack: Alexis, do you want to have sex with me?

Alexis: Hell no! But I will let you grab my boob.

Jack: Thank you.

Jack grabs her boob.

Alexis: Help! I’m being sexually harassed in the workplace!

Big Bossman Tribute Worker: All right! That’s it, trollie. Party’s over. Come with me, and you’re gonna serve some hard time.

Alexis: Have fun playing hide the pudding pop with your new roommate Nailz!


Back in Trish’s dressing room….

Trish Stratus: Alexis what happened?!

Alexis Laree: That foul man Jack Dodge grabbed my boob! Without my consent!

Not Quite the Bossman: So I took him into custody.

Trish: Thank God! Did they fire him yet? People were starting to think I didn’t have any standards! I do!

Camera Guy Steve: Isn’t anybody going to ask me what I think?

Trish: Hell no.

Alexis: AH! There’s a camera guy in the women’s locker room!

Trish: Yeah, that is a little funny.

Alexis: So…wanna grab my boob?

Not the Bossman: Do I ever!

So everybody gropes Alexis. Meanwhile, ol’ Cap’n Jack Foley is wandering out to the ring.

My Darling Stacy is a Perfect 10! I would’ve thought she would’ve sprung for Playboy first, but whatever.


Edge (w/ Lita) v. John Cena
For the WWE Heavyweight Championship with Special Guest Referee Mick Foley

Foley uses Lita’s four lane cleavage to demonstrate to Edge that he’s going to call this match right down the middle. Then he gets hungry, so he must be smelling some APPLE DOUGH! That’s right, THE CHAMP IS HERE! Did you know that John Cena recently went on a tour of India, where he was mobbed by thousands of people who thought he was Corey Haim? On the plus side, I heard his CD is still selling better than PoPoZao. Not that that means much, of course. Foley throws Lita out of the match now that her cleavage has served its purpose. Maybe the Olympics are on…Oh…hey…I found out who’s gayer than Kanyon. It’s Johnny Weir. Nice cape though, dude.


That Sasha Cohen is mighty bendy though. She’s legal right? 1984. Yes. Ok, I’d luge it. They should have a WWE Title match consisting entirely of a curling match. Edge tries a pin with his feet on the ropes, but Foley is smarter than the average ref. Marginally. Which is still really saying something. Anyway, Cena goes for the FU, but instead we get a ref bump, and the guy who fell off Hell in a Cell, suddenly can’t take a mild shove, as he goes to the outside to nurse his wounds. I think he’s just tired and he needed to slip out to take a nap. While he’s out, Lita wanders back to ringside, and is accosted by Cena. She should just carry some mace with her. Geez. Or a mace. That would be hot. Edge grabs the belt, but it spins out of his hands, and Cena gets the FU just in time for Foley to snap out of his sleepy daze and count the pinfall. Edge gets up and, not taking too kindly to Foley’s skills of a referee, instructs Lita to hit him in the balls and then Spears him. Poor Mick’s always getting punched in the balls. So I guess Edge doesn’t like Foley anymore? I bet Mick is totally going to write an emo blog about this!

Next Week: Shelton Benjamin takes on Ric Flair, and Mama turns after a ride on Space Mountain. WOO! Triple H does his best to make sure Rob Van Dam looks like sta…like a st…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. And Shawn Michaels finally gets an answer to the burning question, “Why were there no Shawn Michaels moments from before 1997?” The answer may shock you!

See you in a few days! (Or Tomorrow for No Way Out Coverage!)


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