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U's Can't See Me 

April 25, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: My monitor and video card exploded causing literally one or two people to wonder what the hell happened to the Satire. Plus, “The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge and John Cena won a totally unpredictable match that nobody was able to predict over Triple H. And Vince McMahon drew the wrath of his pyrotechnic people, who are going to miss setting up Shawn Michael’s column o’ sparks. Whose wrath will he draw…TONIGHT?! 
(Opening Credits)

Ohhh…We’re in England! You know what that means! “The Innouvator of Tea Time” Eudge and Liuta are making their way to the ring. I wonder whatever they could have to talk about!

“The Innouvator of Tea Time” Eudge: I say! It’s good to be back here in England, isn’t it, Liuta? There’s nothing I enjoy more

than waking up in the morning, watching Fawlty Towers re-runs and relaxing with a nice coconut cream crumpet. Really. Being over here is like living on PBS without all the nature crap. I kind of want to get on one of those double decker buses, ride up to the north and Spear a Scotsman. But in all seriousness, lads, isn’t it just the most incredible thing in the whole world that I won last week against Triuple H? I mean, who was predicting that? Certainly not everybody, that’s for sure! Besides, and don’t lie, there’s not a person out here who doesn’t still get some degree of satisfaction from Triuple H jobbing his jobby ass on back down to Jobbersville.

Here’s Huunter, and despite what you might think, I don’t know that he’s particularly happy about his newfound jobbery status.

Triuple H: You know something Eudge, you can go ahead and laugh it up now, but you just wait. After my baby is born and after I shed some of this…uh…sympathy weight, I’m going to come in here and make sure you job out every week and the closest you’ll ever come to the WWE Title again is if your head is between my legs.

Eudge: Ha! Face it, Buucky! With my new gimmick, I’m way over! There’s nothing you can do to stop the Eudge Train’s momentum now!

HHH: I’ll put you on Smackdown.

Eudge: Oh, God! Please no! I’ll do anything!

HHH: That’s what I thought! You see lords and ladies? That’s the kind of respect you garner when you are The Gaume!

Eudge: This sucks.

HHH: Not as hard as Liuta! Oh! I’ve still got it! DX in the house! This is the point in my promo where I’d usually make some lazy comparison between your short run as WWE Champion and your inability to have a healthy sex life. I, however, am tired. Please, feel free to make your own.

Liuta: His title run lasted longer than both his marriages. Combined.

Eudge: Listen here, Laudy Maucbeth! Haumlet! I’m sick of everybody always cutting me down! I’m the “Innovator of Tea Time” goddammit! I DEMAND some respect! I am over! And it didn’t take me 10 World Title runs before I stayed that way!

HHH: Methinks you doth protest too much!

Liuta: Oh, he doth plenty of protesting, all right.

HHH: Just shut up and look…eh…jawy, there, man jaw. We finally got our promo time back this week. We don’t need you mucking about.

Liuta: No, you shut up, mister! Stephaunie is pregnant, right? Well, I know a little something about being pregnant. You get cravings. Weird cravings. For things like peanut butter and ham sandwiches and things like-

Eudge: Don’t do it!


Much to the delight of British Schoolgirls and some of your nancier British Schoolboys, Jouhn Ceuna storms down to the ring, and a fight between the three wrestlers immediately breaks out. Fighting? On a wrestling show? Absurd! Thankfully, it’s not long before the Spiurit Squaud puts an end to that.

Spiurit Squaud:

Ready? Ok! To the tune of God Save the King:

McMauhon has made a match,
For tonight’s Main Event,
Oh, King of Kings!
The Squaud on one side,
Eudge and his not-bride,
And Ceuna tag with pride,
With the King of Kings!

We are the Spiurit Squaud,
Shauwn Michauels tags with Goud,
Whatever that means,
We’ll be victorious,
This segment is boring us,
It will be Crazy Go Nuts,
In that very ring!


“Iron Chef Wrestling” Chrius Mausters, Mautt Striuker, and Sheulton Benjaumin v. Roub Vaun Daum, Caurlito Cauribbean Couol, and Chaurlie Aunn Hauas

Holy Heat Main Events, Bautman! I took the liberty of adding the “Aunn” to Chaurlie’s name so he wouldn’t have felt left out. I could have added “Mauttmorgan.” But I didn’t. It’s a little ironic to see Caurlito and RVD tagging and being best of friends after Roub was so pissed at him over the whole “broken leg” thing only scant months ago, isn’t it? Like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a cricket bat. It’s worth noting, perhaps, that Hauas and Sheulton still dress each other apparently, as they’re both rocking the same effeminate vests. Anyway, a TNA match breaks out as everybody does backflips over the ropes, including a 720 Somersault Plauncha from Mausters, so we’ll reset the pins and come back in a minute.


As we come back, the fans are chanting “This is awesome” as Striuker sinches in a headlock. Do they even know who Striuker is? Of course they do! INTERNATIONAL HEAT~! He’s a huge star outside the U.S. And on the Internet. INTERNETIONAL HEAT~! So can WWE spin Hauas and Striuker into a Backlash feud? Probably not. Poor Chaurlie. The ending sequence of finishers goes as follows: Benjaumin hits RVD with the Exploder, Caurlito hits Benjaumin with the Back Cracker, Mausters bastes Caurlito in a nice Basil Pesto, Hauas locks Mausters in the Hauas of Pain, Striuker came into the ring, shrugged and then left, and RVD hit Benjaumin with the Five Star Frog Splash. All the momentum going into the PPV? Aw, Roub! You can’t lose your briefcase yet! You just got it detailed! Ain’t no stoppin’ Sheulton from getting that briefcase…NAH!


WWE MOBILE UPDATE: Palmer Cannon quits?

The WWE Lockerroom was stunned to learn that a worker named Palmer Cannon had been on the roster, and even more stunned to learn that now he was not. WWE Agent Harvey Whippleman had this to say:

WWE Agent Harvey Whippleman: I saw the whole thing! Bradshaw asked that Mercannon kid if he wanted to go with him to Germany, and Mercannon was all scared, and then Bradshaw says, “UPN isn’t even going to be a network in two months!” and so Mercannon started crying and then he ran off! I wonder if this means Bradshaw’s looking for a new image consultant?

Whippleman was seen later uploading his resume to job searching site Monster.com and looking wistful. More on this story as it develops!

Toudd Grishaum is backstage with Viunce McMauhon.

Toudd Grishaum: Todd Grisham here, and I’m backstage with Vince McMahon, and Vin-

Viunce McMauhon: Toudd!

Grishaum: NO! I refuse to do it. Adding unnecessary “u”s to our names doesn’t make any sense. Whether we’re in England or not.

Viunce: Honestly, Toudd, I’m a little disappointed in you! I would have thought you would have been a little more culturally diverse. Quite frankly, I don’t like your attitude.

Grishaum: Why don’t you just say your piece so I can get on a plane and get back home?

Viunce: Very well, then. I just wanted to mention that Goud couldn’t be here tonight-

Grishaum: What the hell are you talking about?! God-

Viunce: Goud-

Grishaum: -is omnipresent. He’s everywhere! You can’t just say, “Oh, I don’t think the Almighty is in England.” What about the Anglican church?

Viunce: What’s that? Some kind of Kuurt Aungle worshippers?

Kuurt Aungle: You know it, Viunce! Friaur Ferguuson is our Pope.

Friaur Ferguuson: Aye, my lord! I also serve as the minister for the Church of the Holy Anklelock.

Grishaum: That’s ridiculous!

Shaune McMauhon: I’m with you, Touddy. This whole angle gives me the heebie-jeebies. Just ride it out and keep collecting the paychecks. Booyah!

Grishaum: No! That’s it! I’m done with this world!

Toudd Grishaum looks back at Sodom and Gomorrah and turns into a pillar of salt.

Friaur Ferguuson: I’d give him his last rights…but I’m all out of bourbon.

Backstage, Kaune is with The Biug Shouw.

Biug Shouw: What is up with you lately, man? Ever since we were thrown together as part of a random tag team at Taboo Tuesday last year, you’ve been acting differently! You don’t call, you don’t text, you don’t send me e-mails anymore…hell, you don’t even send me forwards about how to tweak my MySpace anymore! You’re all obsessed about this movie crap now, you don’t even care that we lost the titles!

Kaune: I do care, Shouw. It’s just…with my movie coming out, and premiering against The DaVinci Code, it’s a lot of stress on me! This movie’s got to do at least as well as Ready to Rumble! And it’s not only that! People are shouting random dates at me lately, like I’m some kind of calendar or something. “What day is May 21? Is that a Thursday? How about August 11?” Like I’m supposed to know?! And the most terrible part about that is that I’m doing it to myself! Recording voice-overs for segments like this and shouting out random dates during them. I think…I think there’s a massive conspiracy among prominent figures in the African American community to get my movie shut down!

Shouw: That’s crazy!

Kaune: Yeah…I guess it is.

Shouw: I need some more Kaune here, man.

Kaune: I know. I’ll try.

Shouw: All right. Let’s have fun on Sunday. Oh, hey, I think I can get us another rematch on May 15. That’s a Monday, right?

Kaune: MAY 15!!!!!!!!!

Kaune takes off his spiked shoulder pads and drives them into Shouw’s eye. Then he grabs Duusty Rhoudes and does the same to him for good measure. Launce Caude, Aube Ortoun and Treuvor Muurdoch all flew out to England just to pull Kaune off Treuvor’s father.


Awwww yeah! It’s TITTY TIME!

Man, I miss My Darling Staucy. Here’s a brief synopsis of the outfits:

Tourrie Wilsoun: Turkey with boobs.

Mauria Puunk (nee Teunnyson Luund): Can of Pepsi with boobs.

Victouria: Steuvie Richaurds in Drag with boobs.

Booubsie McTitsaulot: King Arthuur with boobs.

Despite the fact that nobody likes her, Coauch declares Booubsie the winner due to her incorporation of a nationalist theme in tonight’s contest. As the winner, she gets a $100 gift card to Applebees which she can use when she gets home. Coauch offers to give her a kiss, but when he closes his eyes and puckers up, Visceura comes out and sits on him. Really? Your plan for while Vaul is out is for Booubsie and Visceura to go out? What would Lilliaun or Triush say? Well…I know exactly what Lilliaun would say. “Here is your winner, Teust!” Which is the exact reason she’s always getting set on fire. Afterwords, Vius and Booubsie make out, which is so hot it causes Lilliaun to spontaneously combust. See?


Shauwn Michauels v. Shaune McMauhon (w/ Viunce McMauhon)

HBK is just dying to prance, you can see it in his eyes. Viunce, for his part, notes that he’s happy that Shaune is a product of his omnipotent semen. I bet that’s how they killed Linda the first time. Anyway, the story of the match is that Shauwn and Shaune…Err…HBK and Shaune brawl all over the ringside area, while Viunce grabs his balls and chases them around. After about forty minutes of this non-stop thrill ride, the McMauhons finally corner Michauels, and lay him out on the announce table, which, in his infinite wisdom, Shaune proceeds to dive through. Well played. No contest via double countout? That sounds about right. Viunce has the mic.

Viunce McMauhon: Quite frankly, I can’t wait for Backlash. Because just like we took out Shauwn Michauels here tonight, we’re going to take out Goud on Sunday! And there won’t be any coming back from the dead this time, Lourd! Oh, no! In fact, I’d say there’s no chance in HELL that you’ll be coming back! Isn’t that right, Shaune?

Shaune McMauhon: Hi, my name is Boubbin Threaudbare. Are you my mother?


Ceuna and Eudge are backstage. What ever could they be talking about?

Jouhn Ceuna: You aren’t kidding. I had a lot of money riding on Alaun Thiucke too!

“The Innouvator of Tea Time” Eudge: Oh well, I guess I’ll have to turn elsewhere for my reality fix. I think I’m coming down with a case of the McPheevour.

Ceuna: Oh, man, that girl is fine! If that old dude wins, I’m going to go over there and wave my hand in front of my face at them.

Eudge: Speaking of which, do you think we’ll be ok in our match tonight? I mean…do you think we can work together?

Ceuna: Sure, man. You’re my dawg, you know? So long as you realize that THE CHAMP IS HERE, I think we’ll be ok.

Eudge: Ok. Let’s just make sure there’s a finish to our match, ok, whitey?


Backstage, Liuta and Eudge are totally making out. That’s all I had to say, really.

Mr. Englaund Steuve Englaund v. Toutally Nout Jamaul (w/ Armaundo Estrauda Raumon Cauribbean Couol Diauz Ruuiz Iniugo Montouya Raumon)

They should have just called Nout Jamaul “Uuuuumaga.” That’s a pretty cool name. In case you haven’t guessed, Mr. Englaund Steuve Englaund is from Hoboken, so he gets a nice pop. The English love Joisey. Not Jamaul beats the hell out of our man Englaund for a while, and then, just when it seems like he’s going to load up the Tongan Death Thumb, he pins him instead. That was…anti-climactic. After the match, however, the faint sound of wobbling man-boobs gives away the return of Riuc Flauir! Right hand for Nout Jamaul! Right hand for Armaundo! Somebody play his music! The Natuure Bouy is back! WOOO! And this time, he’s not going to sink in the water!

Liuta is backstage with Triuple H.

Triuple H: Look, bitchcakes, as much fun as I’d probably have being part of your whole “musical wrestlers” routine, I’ve already got enough diseases to last me for a couple more years, so why don’t you run off and go hump…uh…Kaune again or something.

Liuta: Look here, Huunter, I just came here to find out if you were going to be able to be a good tag team partner for Eudge tonight, despite the fact that you all are going to wrestle this Sunday at Backlash.

HHH: My head tells me “yes,” but my heart and history tell me “no.”

Liuta: Well, just try not to mess up his nails then, ok? He has really nice cuticles.

HHH: I’ll see what I can do. Honestly, the only thing that would piss me off is if we had another no contest tonight.

Liuta: That won’t happen.

HHH: No way. Actually, I now that I’ve had a chance to think about it, do you wanna have sex?

Liuta: Sure!


Aleuxis Lauree is in the ring. I bet she’s out here to talk about bangers and mash!

Aleuxis Lauree: I know what you’re all thinking, and no, I’m not out here to talk about bangers and mash! I had bubbles and squeak for dinner today! No, I’m out here to appologize to Triush Strautus for being a big meanie to her and Jauck Doudge the other day. Truth be told, now that Rauven is back on TV, I’m feeling more grounded and happier, and I don’t have to dress like somebody else anymore to find satisfaction in my otherwise dismal life. So, sorry about that.

Triush Strautus: You mean I’ve been dressing like you for the past few weeks for nothing? This wasn’t all part of some clever ruse or game? You were just toying with me because Rauven was off TV so you felt lonely?!

Aleuxis: Yeah. Pretty much. Hell, I don’t even really want this women’s title. You can have it back if you want. Women’s wrestling sucks anyway.

Triush: I’m so pissed I could just kick you in the head!

So she does. Well, on the second try anyway. It sure was nice of Aleuxis to stand there and wait for the second one too. These two just need to make out again, I think.


The Spiurit Squaud v. Jouhn Ceuna, Triuple H and “The Innouvator of Tea Time” Eudge (w/ Liuta)

Is that an ad break coming or are you just happy to see me?


Oh. Sigh. Heeeeey…wait a second…MIUTCH WRESTLES! I don’t believe my eyes! He’s supposed to be the manager! Oh, man! I bet his parents are proud of him this day. The story of the match early on is that while the Spiurit Squaud is a cohesive unit and can work together to isolate the other three, the other guys are main eventers and can toss around these dorks like there’s no tomorrow. And toss them they do, gone are the Spiurit Squaud that beat Kaune and Biug Shouw for the tag team titles so handily a few weeks ago, because this Spiurit Squaud is here to serve as a nice backdrop for the main event. A main event so huge that Eudge can’t help but leave. And Huunter and Ceuna? Can’t help but start punching each other after they’ve run out of Spiurit Squaud guys to punch. And WWE RAW Referee Miuke Chioueda? Thows out the match. Dammit! Nice to see they got the whole roster into two matches though.

Sunday: In his first match since he carried Jacob to a five star Stairway to Heaven match at the first ECW PPV millennia ago, God strikes the McMahons down and then carries Shawn Michaels off in a fiery chariot. Plus, Carlito beats Masters at his own game by whipping up a batch of Oreos made only from papaya extract and canola oil. And John Cena does the impossible, retaining again in the face of overwhelming logic.

Ta-ta for now!


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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