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Drunk Out of his Funkin' Mind?

May 16, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Happy Mother’s Day! Actually, I’m kidding. No mothers read this column. Not even mine!

Last Week: Tommy F’N DREAMER made his triumphal return to WWE riding his razor studded hobby horse over some barbed wire palm fronds. Triple H and Shawn Michaels were totally not going to reform DX. No sir. Uh-uh. Hey, does anybody know when Kane’s new movie comes out? Maybe it comes out…TONIGHT! 

(Opening Credits)

I guess we’re starting out with a title match. You know, there’s something funny about putting a WWE Title match first on the show, but who am I to judge?

Triple H v. Vince McMahon
For the WWE Heavyweight Title

Oddly, and disconcertingly, I can find nothing wrong with that…Oh, wait. Vince has a mic.

Vince McMahon: Quite frankly, I don’t know why in the hell we decided to start the show off with a title match. Isn’t the main event supposed to come at the end of the show? That doesn’t make any sense. If we do the main event first, won’t people just leave, because they saw the match they wanted to see?

Triple H: In all fairness to your booking habits, Vince. I’m pretty sure everybody is going to leave after the Totally Not Jamal match anyway. Really, I’ve got to say, tonight’s planned main event of Spirit Squad Kenny versus Shawn Michaels isn’t exactly going to be setting the remotes of the world on fire either.

Vince: Hmm…yeah. You’re probably right. Be that as it may, quite frankly, nothing would give me more pleasure than to put my company’s two most over used main eveners and some bland midcarders out here jerking the curtain.

HHH: Yeah? Well, I just jerked your daughter’s curtains about five minutes ago.

Vince: Yeah? Well, I just jerked Linda’s curtains about three minutes ago.

HHH: That’s gross.

Vince: In the Gorilla Position.

HHH: Ew.

Vince: Dust was flying everywhere!

HHH: Errr…So, anyway, what solution did you come up with to our booking snafu?

Vince: I’m just going to throw together some half-assed handicap match like I always do. Cheatum?

Cheatum The Evil Midget: Spin the wheel! Make the deal! Hahahaha!

Vince: And it’s landed on…Triple H, Shelton Benjamin and Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters taking on Rob Van Dam and John Cena in a match where the winner gets the title of his choice! Thanks for coming out tonight, Cheatum!

Cheatum: I’m coming for you next, Finlay!

Vince: Yes, yes! What fun!

Triple H, Shelton Benjamin and Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters v. Rob Van Dam and John Cena
In a Match Where the Winner Gets the Title of His Choice

Ain’t no stoppin’ Shelton from getting his WWE Title shot…NAH! Man, somewhere the Spirit Squad and Alexis Laree are PISSED they didn’t get in on this action. You know Mitch is ticked off. Anyway, Hunter, Shelton and Masters start off working together ok, but Hunter can’t contain his urge to bitchslap all these guys back down to the midcard for long (a feeling Shelton is intimately familiar with), and so soon we’re just at a Pier Five brawl. I think I bought my desk chair there. After Hunter, Shelton, Masters, and Cena go outside to discuss the political ramifications of illegal immigrants on the 2008 Presidential Elections, RVD jumps out on top of them. Who knew the Libertarians could be so aggressive?


When we come back, all the political ranglin’ has stopped. Don’t mess with Texas, I guess. Masters begins to bore Rob to sleep with selections from his thesis paper on the etymology of the word “ladle” when suddenly, Shelton hits him with the Exploder. Seizing the opportunity, Rob hits the Five Star on no one in particular. HHH picks him up and PEDIGREE TO RVD while Cena puts Masters down again with the FU. PEDIGREE TO CENA! HHH over for the cover, but cleverly, Shelton Benjamin already scored the pinfall and won the match about ten minutes ago. Shelton asks for the Women’s Title, but sadly, learns that only titles in this match were available to be taken. He opts for the Intercontinental title, because a black guy with a Spinnin’ World Title? Would be racist. Hunter is not exactly thrilled that he just, essentially, jobbed to friggin’ Shelton Benjamin again, so he hits the PEDIGREE TO WWE RAW REFEREE M-M-M-M-MIIIIIIKE CHIODA~! Ooooh! Don’t hate on Chioda, man!


Todd Grisham is standing by with Triple H.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Triple H, and Hunter, I’ve just got to know, are you so pissed off right now that you’ll agree to kill me? Or at least write an essay on how you would kill me?

Triple H: Nah, Todd. We’re cool. You’re one of the few people in the company I can stand.

Grisham: Not even if I say, oh I don’t know, “Stephanie is a whore?”

HHH: Hahaha…I’m right there with you, man. Six, seven years ago? She could’ve done sooooo much better than me. Now? Not so much. Hahaha.

Grisham: Hmph. Well…uh…Nibblins is a stupid name for a cat. And Sarah McLaughlin is a laughable vocalist with a horrible voice. And…and…Your mustache is stupid.

HHH: You know what I like about you, Todd?

Grisham: Sigh…what?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venus: What?

HHH: You’re not afraid to share your mind!

HHH brains him with a sledgehammer.

Val: All over the room!

HHH: Man, that was a terrible joke. Even by my standards.

Austin: And that’s the bottom line, ‘cuz Stone Cold said so!

Here’s Trish Stratus, still with one arm. Really, I’ve got a whole freezer full of arms I could sel-er…Never mind. Let’s just here what she has to say.

Trish Stratus: Alexis Laree! Get out here so I can fight you off with one arm tied to my side!

Alexis comes out and she beats on Trish for a few seconds before Some Big Blonde Chick comes out and attacks her. But she’s not just Some Big Blonde Chick, she’s…uh…she’s…Trish? A little help?

Trish: I know what you’re all thinking! Who is this mystery woman who is sure to win the women’s title within three months of her debut? This is Beth! Say hello, Beth.

Beth: My name is Beth, and I love to fight!

Beth is immediately attacked by Cheatum, while Alexis runs backstage to find some writers to kill.

Premiering last Monday? See No Evil, Kane’s hot new film. Let’s see what these WWE Superstars had to say:

Kurt Angle: They gave Kane his own movie. Kane. They couldn’t do a Kurt Angle biopic or something? They gave friggin’ Kane his own movie. I hate you all.

The Great Khali: Graffnarguffle! Bmphx Iktar! Mopinerelephant!

Triple H: Kane gives a stunning performance! That’ll get me on the poster, right?

Jim Ross: It was a slobberknocker, by Gawd! I almost broke my popcorn in half!

Mick Foley: Man, I just came to try the “popcorn trick” with Melina. Then J.R. broke my popcorn in half. I’m still recovering.

WWE Film Critic Roger Ebert: This movie sucks. Thumb way up for See No Evil.


This Week in WWE History: May 15, 1995 Bob Holly defeated Mantaur, a loss Mantaur swears to avenge to this day!

Backstage, Hunter is pouting.

Triple H: Nibblins is too a good name for a kitty.

Shane McMahon: Did you see that, crap, Hunter? Cirie got robbed! Aras is nothing but a no good daddy’s boy who mooches off his parents and didn’t do a damn thing right on that show. It’s pathetic.

HHH: Shane, buddy, I was with Terry until the end. He dominated challenges like I dominate my opponents! But I guess that Danielle was pretty hot, if she could keep her gums in check.

Shane: But that Chris Daughtry, I don’t get the love that guy suddenly got. Booooring, right? And that Elliot, what an ugly bastard, yeah? I’m down for Taylor! He’s a great dancer!

HHH: You lost me there, man. I don’t watch none of that fruity American Idol crap.

Shane: Right. Sorry. Hey, listen, do you want to be in Kenny’s corner for the match against Shawn tonight? Turns out the Spirit Squad was banned from ringside.

HHH: Aren’t they Vince’s guys? Why would he have done something to curtail one of his own guy’s momentum?

Shane: Hey, whatever, man. Don’t shoot the messenger, ok? Will you be there tonight or not?

HHH: I guess. Not like I’ve got anything better to do.

Shane leaves.

HHH: That Katharine McPhee is a fiiiiine piece of real estate though.

The Spirit Squad has taken the ring.

Spirit Squad: Ready? Ok!

We’re ready to party,
We’re ready to go!
At least we’re not stuck,
Feuding with Kane and Show!
Who are our opponents,
On Monday Night RAW?
Goldust and Abe Orton?

Aw crap.


Goldust and Abe Orton v. The Spirit Squad (w/ Mikey and Mitch)
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

Poor Mitch. The streak ends at three. Does it strike anyone else as odd that confessed baby killer Abe is now a face? Wait, what the hell am I talking about. Of course it doesn’t. Never mind. Goldust plays with Abe’s beard to start. After a few minutes of SS control, Abe Orton gets the hot tag. Read that again. Abe Orton gets the hot tag! THIS is the wrestling I’ve always DREAMED ABOUT! SS Johnny and SS Nicky try, but they cannot handle the awesome power that is the Hot Tag to Abe. In fact, it takes SS Mikey flying in from the outside with his finisher the “Jumping at Abe’s Back” which gets the win for SS Johnny. Thankfully, I notice, their names are back on their tank tops this week. Unfortunately, J.R. still calls them all “Kenny.”


Mick Foley is out, and for once, fingering Melina is not on his mind.

Mick Foley: For the first time in months, I’m not out here to bore you with stories about my raging hard on for Melina! No, no! I’m out here to tell you about another kind of raging hard on I have! Beating the hell out of Tommy Dreamer! I get asked all the damn time, “Why Mick? Why did you beat up Tommy? Why’d you do it?” Ok, people, show of hands, who in their life time has not thought about kicking Tommy Dreamer right in the balls? Exactly. Not a one of you. So I had exactly that chance. Can you blame me for taking it? HELL NO! In fact, if I ever see Tommy again, I don’t think I’ll be able to contain myself. Beating up Tommy Dreamer is the single most therapeutic thing ever, guys. It’s amazing! But enough about beating up Tommy Dreamer, I’d like you all to meet a very…special friend of mine. Texas’ own Terry Funk!

Terry Funk: Hello, Mick! I jus wanna say that you’re the cop of the world, Mick! You…Do you remember when we beat the James Gang at Western Mania?

Foley: Yeah. What an accomplishment that turned out to be. Terry, are you drunk?

Funk: Now, you Listerine here, you banana nosed, banana nose! I’m at the top of my gain right now! I just got one question, Mick! One question!

Foley: Nope, not drunk, just Funk. Oh, you should put that on a T-Shirt. Anyway, what’s your question, Terry?

Funk: I already know the answer, Mick! My question is this…why did you beat up Tony Dinner? Why do something like that, Mick?

Foley: Terry, think about it. Think about Tommy Dreamer for a second.

Funk: I don’t wagga think about that bastard, cuz I want to cut him open and watch him blink!

Foley: Exactly. Me too.

Funk: Aw, you’re both like sons to me, Mick! Like sons! Sons! Sons! Sons!

Foley: Well, Happy Mother’s Day!

And Foley kicks him straight in the old trick hip. Of course, since both his hips are trick hips, they counter balance and Funk is unaffected.

Funk: Hey there, banana nose! Don’t you do that to me! Do you want me to go all John Wayne Gacy on your ass? Let me get my make up! I stole it while I was bagging your wife and fathering your childrens! ECDoug! ECDoug! Kane and Dewey for Peppermint!

Foley has finally had enough old man ramblings, so while he distracts Funk, The Innovator of Breakfast, Edge comes down and tries to hit him with a barbed wire skillet! But the crafty old Funk learned some new tricks on his DX Ranch, so he hits Edge with a flurry…er…a drizzle of punches. When all hope seems lost for our heros, Lita comes in and punches Funk in the balls, leaving him for Edge to spear and Foley to gingerly caress his chin.


My favorite ECDoug babe was Patty Mayonnaise. Those pics they posted on ECD.com of her in the shower? Hot!

Matt Striker v. Eugene

Before the match, Striker points out that people in Texas may not really be the most educated. I don’t know if that’s entirely fair. I mean, think about all the great thinkers and luminaries that Texas has given us. Like…um…Amy Acker? The story of the match is that Matt Striker sure is smart, but Eugene has moxy, and you can’t beat the moxy out of some one. Believe me, I’ve tried. Eugene fires up with some Samoan turnbuckle headbuts and a leg drop, but then Striker uses complex trigonometry to punch Eugene in the face and get the win.

Here’s a brief history of Kane video package. This show needs more Kane Video Packages. Remember when he had Christmas Ornaments hanging from his eye sockets? That wasn’t included in this footage for some reason.


The WWE Production crew loved the opening contest so much, here’s a big heart around the replay just to show you. Aw.

Maria Punk (nee Tennyson Lund) is standing by with Carlito.

Maria Punk (nee Tennyson Lund): Maria Punk neep Ten Cookie Lunch here, and I’m standing by with Carlito. Carlito, my sources say that you’re attempting to turn face without turning face to avoid the “Curse of John Cena.” Ooooooh, that sounds scary!

Carlito Caribbean Cool: That wasn’t even a real question. But, yeah. I guess you could say I was trying to do that. Look at me, I’m even tagging with RVD and crap. That’s awful. I shouldn’t be doing that.

Maria: So, here’s the question I wanted to ask you! When dogs die, do they go to heaven?

Carlito: What does your heart tell you?

Maria: To start a rock band so I can have sex with all the groupies?

Carlito: Well then, I think dogs do go to heaven. So long as I’m a groupie.

Maria: Yay!

Elsewhere, Vince is talking to Boobsie McTitsalot.

Vince McMahon: I don’t get it. I’m a billionaire. Why am I hanging out with a hussy like you?

Boobsie McTitsalot: Is it the boobs?

Vince: Hmph. Must be. So what ever happened to you and Viscera?

Boobsie: Oh, we broke up. Turns out I just wanted him for his boobs.

Vince: Fascinating. Oh, hey, Hunter. What’s up?

Triple H: Vince, something about tonight’s show is bothering me. Who in the hell banned Spirit Squad from ringside. That doesn’t seem like something you would do. You’d just send me and them out there because it would be piling on. Then you’d have Shawn win because it’s heroic of him.

Vince: Yeah. That doesn’t sound like something I would do at all. Quite frankly, it sounds like a horrible idea to ban them from ringside. What the hell was I on?

Boobsie: You were on my boobs!

Vince: I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the one to order it. I’ll look into it though.

HHH: Between that and RVD suddenly having the authority to hire Charlie Haas, yeah. You’d better look into it.

Vince: Don’t forget your sledgehammer.

HHH: Did you kill that fish you were after? Wait…why is the handle all slimy?

Boobsie: Tee Hee.

HHH: Ew!


“Big Daddy” Chris Wellman v. Totally Not Jamal (w/ Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon)

Didn’t Not Jamal just squash two jobbers last week? What’s he trying to prove here? All I know is they’ve got a hell of a dental program in deepest darkest Samoa. Maybe Samoa Joe can get some veneers put in. That’ll get him out of the X-Division for sure. You know, I’ve got to wonder though, if all those people could beat Jamal back in the day, I wonder why they can’t beat Totally Not Jamal. Well, I guess that’s like comparing Jamals to Not Jamals, though, isn’t it? Totally Not Jamal gets the well deserved win after poking Big Daddy in the eye.

Backstage, Shane is with the SS.

Spirit Squad Mitch: This is it! Time for the SS to get its revenge on Shawn Michaels!

Shane McMahon: Well, you guys are barred from ringside.

Spirit Squad Nicky: But you do have SS Kenny’s back tonight, right?

Shane: Yeah. Of course.

Spirit Squad Johnny: Good, because the last thing you want to do is piss off the SS.

Shane: God you guys make me miss the Mean Street Possee. I loved Joey Abs.

SS Mitch: I can be your Joey Abs, Shane!

Shane: Sigh…it just wouldn’t be the same.


Spirit Squad Kenny (w/ Triple H) v. Shawn Michaels
With Special Guest Referee Shane McMahon

It’s lik-Oops, Sorry.


It’s like somebody is manipulating the booking from the inside, willing the DX reunion to happen to spite the unwitting Mr. McMahon. It’s all a plot, I tell you! A plot! Which immediately makes this one angle infinitely more complex than anything happing in NWA-TNA. The story of the match is that Kenny can’t get a pin on Michaels because Shane McMahon insists on saying “Booyah” between every count. Michaels fires back and even hits a Superkick on Shane, but that can’t win him the match. Frustrated, Kenny finally calls on Hunter to come in and not reform DX please. Thanks. Hunter slowly lumbers into the ring and Shane holds up the injured Michaels. Hunter slowly winds up and hits Shane in the face.

Triple H: Jesus. Tell me you didn’t see that one coming from a mile away, you idiot.

Jesus: No need to call me names, my son. Even a blind rat with a hearing impairment saw that coming.

Vince McMahon: Oh! WHY! Why did you hit my son?

HHH: Because I’m a jerk?

Vince: NOOOOO! You bastard! How will Shane ever recover?!

HHH: Geez, settle down. I hit him with my hand on top of a sledgehammer. This is the same guy who took a car battery to the balls and still fathered children, and routinely falls off of things. He’ll be fiiiiiiiiine.


Next Week: I don’t care WHAT you’ve heard, DX isn’t reforming, all right? Geez. Now stop whining about it. Mick Foley goes after Mikey Whipwreck in an attempt to make his ECW career seem relevant in today’s wrestling landscape. Oh, and Cheatum returns to action. YES!




Tommy Dreamer: Here we are, Rob. The start of our journey to find out why all these mysterious things are happening around the WWE locker room.

Rob Van Dam: An art gallery, Tommy? That doesn’t seem very…mysterious.

Dreamer: Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong, Rob. This art gallery is totally mysterious. For, you see, legend has it that at this very art gallery on the campus of Texas Tech University, one of the world’s most famous paintings is being held. And I mean to steal it.

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

They walk through the art gallery quietly, so as not to draw any suspicion, until they come upon a grand display.

RVD: That’s beautiful, dude! General T’dgarish would be proud of us!

Dreamer: Think about it, Tommy. Who keeps asking Kane what day it is? Who booked the Spirit Squad not to appear at ringside? Why did Lance have to die? There’s something bad happening here. Are you ready to find out what?

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Dreamer: Good. I knew I could count on you! Now, we have to find security so we can knock out the guards, cut the cameras, and turn off the alarms. Then we meet back here and steal the painting.

RVD: Dude, don’t even bother. I already put the painting in my briefcase.

Dreamer: What? Oh crap.

A security guard runs out and Tazers Tommy in the balls.

Security Guard: That was…kind of therapeutic.

RVD: Duuuuude, if you think that’s cool, you should try breaking his ribs with this Statue of Minerva.

Security Guard: Man, you’re all right. Why would you steal a painting?

RVD: Well, we need to borrow it to solve a mystery that could shake the entire World (wrestling entertainment) to its very core.

Security Guard: Well hell. Why didn’t you just come in to our office and fill out a “Painting Checkout for World Saving/Conquering” release form like everybody else?

RVD: Duuude, I totally missed the signs.

Security Guard: That’s ok. Which one you got there?

RVD: Dogs Playing Poker.

Security Guard: Ok, I need that back by August 8 at 9:25, got it?

RVD: Yeah! All right!! Tommy? Let’s go!

Dreamer: Urk…mpfl…ECDoug! ECDoug!

Around a corner….

???: So…they think they can solve a mystery, huh? Well the only mystery they will be solving is how to escape from my prison! Mwahahahahahaha-wait, that’s not right….

To be continued…


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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