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Witness the Wellness of Rob Van Dam  

May 23, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: MAY 19! MAY 19! MAAAAAAY 19!!!! Also, Mick Foley was forced to cut a promo on himself when Terry Funk showed up unfit to talk. And, hey, you know that little DX somethin’ somethin’ they’ve got going on? Well it didn’t happen. But maybe it will happen…TONIGHT! 
Oooh, but first, let’s throw it to our old pal, Vince, to kick things off.

Vince McMahon: Hello everyone, and welcome to Monday Night RAW. It has come to my attention that I made attention that I made a bit of a fool of myself last week, when I sobbed over the fallen body of my son, Shane. Quite frankly, Shane was fine. In fact,

he was trying to tell me that he was fine, but I guess my screaming kind of drowned him out. I guess when a guy falls off the Titan Tron, a little hand-assisted sledgehammer to the ol’ chin isn’t going to cause much damage. But still, though Shane may be hearty as a seaman, I’m going to order Triple H to come out and apologize for what he did. And if he doesn’t? Well then dammit, he’s going to be firrrred! Forever! Just like Good Ol’ J.R.! Wait…Crap.

(Opening Credits)

Here’s Mick Foley, and he’s got a thing under a tarp! Thing under a tarp doesn’t really grasp my attention quite like “thing in a box” or “thing in a briefcase” but I guess beggars can’t be choosers. Or users. Or losers. Wait…we can be that last one. Anyway, Mick probably has something to say.

Mick Foley: Thankfully, I’m proud to say that I studiously avoided the streets this week, so that people couldn’t walk up to me and ask me, “Why Mick? Why did you attack Terry Funk?” because I’m pretty sure that once I left Texas, nobody would have any clue who Terry Funk is. Since we’re here, I thought I’d mention that unlike you slimy scum balls in Vegas, I earned my fortune! That’s right! Unlike you idiots who try to hit it rich on the nickel slots or $5 blackjack, I earned every paycheck I ever cashed! I jumped off things! I fell off things! I had things fall on me! I attacked people with socks! That’s hard work people! You think you have it rough working in some stinky office or warehouse? Try having to put up with Abe Orton for five hours and you’ll never call what I do “easy” again. The only ones of you I respect out there are those of you who are out there every day, pounding the pavement handing out flyers for prostitution and phone sex services! You people, you are the heart of America! You work hard, and I respect the hell out of all of you. The rest of you? You all can suck my man teats. And speaking of men with teats, here’s Edge and Lita!

Uh-Oh. Lita’s wearing one of her “Hey! Look at my boobs!” tops, everybody drink!

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: Thank you ever so much, Mick. I must say my teets are looking quite manly today. In fact, a little man teat would go perfect with my new Strawberry Cream Omelets!

Foley: Edge, you’re a genius. I knew there was a reason I hooked up with you after Wrestlemania other than “nobody else wants to waste time doing an angle with Foley!”

Edge: Uh…yeah. Well, it was either this or feud with Totally Not Jamal for a few months. So…Gosh, I’m happy to be here with you Mick! Our hardcore match was the stuff of legends! When people look back at Wrestlemania in years to come, they’ll say that…that was the single hardcore match at Wrestlemania 22!

Lita: What about the Money in the Bank match?

Edge: That was the single…singles hardcore match at Wrestleman-

Lita: Michaels and McMahon?

Edge: You’re not helping, honey.

Foley: It doesn’t matter! The point is, I’ve proven all my doubters wrong! They said I was going to be irrelevant to the wrestling scene in five years when I got to WCW! They wouldn’t push me! Well guess what?! It’s taken me fifteen years to become irrelevant! And now ECW wants to come back and remind people about back when I was cool and had a career? Ha! That’s going to go over about as well as a Tommy Dreamer appearance in Anaheim!

Edge: So what’s under the tarp, Mick? Charlie Haas?

Foley: You wish! No, it’s the WWE Hardcore Title! I want you to have it.

Edge: Uh…That’s…great. Thanks. Wow. If I lose and win this 80 more times, maybe I can feel as cool as Raven. Seriously, I was WWE Champion like, four months ago. Does anybody remember that?

Foley: Fine, if you don’t want it, give it back to me!

Edge: Pfft. I’ll take what I can get, I guess.

Lita: Can I be the hardcore champion?

Edge: I’ve got my fingers crossed for you at next year’s AVNs, hon.

Lita: I’m nominated in for Best Female DP in a Science Action Comedy.

Here’s Paul Heyman, who’s lookin’ like he might have a Best Director AVN or two on his shelf.

Paul Heyman: It’s a good thing prostitution is legal in this state, because lord knows I’m not getting any action back in Jersey. There’s…there’s no joke there. I’m just lonely. Thanks for wearing that top for Uncle Paul though, cutesy buttons.

Lita: Back in ECW, I didn’t have boobs, so I owed you this one.

Heyman: Anyway, I just came out here to say that, Mick, you’re a pathetic joke of a man who keeps crawling back to this well because you love an easy paycheck, and what’s easier than coming out here and jobbing for real wrestlers? I mean, seriously, Mick, you should have stayed retired the first time around. You know? The first time? Back when the name “Mick Foley” actually meant something instead of an excruciating month long cameo that holds a legitimate number three or four guy out of the limelight so that somebody else can sneak in and steal his spot. You know who stole your spot Edge? Kenny. Friggin’ KENNY stole your main event spot.

Edge: Holy crap.

Heyman: And all because of you, Mick! But I’m here to change all that! You see, I’ve got a way to make you both interesting and relevant again!

Foley: Yeah? How? You’re going to repackage us as the World’s Tallest Midgets in OVW?

Heyman: Have you been listening in on my phone calls? Err…I mean…no! I’m going to book you in the main event of ECW’s Two Night Stand!

Foley: Wonderful. An off-brand, one night, wankfest tribute pay per view. Just the thing we need to revitalize our stagnant careers. It worked for Mike Awesome, right?

Heyman: And your opponents, are THESE MEN!

TOMMY F’N DREAMER and Terry Funk come out to the ECW Theme while the crowd goes…Uh…well, they kind of clap. That was nice.

Tommy F’N Dreamer: ECDUB! ECDUB!

Terry Funk: Folgey! Reg! Litco! Your asses are grasses and I’m gonna poke it!

Foley: Truly, this is the singular event that will add at least a page or two to my new book.

Funk gets to work on Foley, kind of stumbling at him until Mick bails out into the crowd. Tommy chases off Lita and then nails Edge over the head with a priceless painting.

Tommy: Oh My God! “Dogs Playing Poker!” What have I done?


DIVA SEARCH 2006!! I hope Halle Berry enters this year!

Rob Van Dam v. Shelton Benjamin
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Man, I wish Shelton showed half the charisma he has during his entrance on the mic. Half. If he did, we could truly say, “Ain’t no stoppin’ him from winning the WWE Title…NAH!” As it is, there’s plenty of stoppin’ him. In fact, Rob does just that when he kicks Shelton outside the ring. Actually, both these guys have the exact same problem. If Rob were better on the mic, maybe Shelton Benjamin would be WWE Champion by now. Wait…that’s not right.


Shelton locks in the chinlock when we come back. Bad promos, chinlocks, and a decent sense of being cocky in the ring? Shelton Benjamin is the new Randy Orton! WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton asks Shelton how Mama Benjamin is doing, so Shelton kicks him in the face. Damn. Not that he didn’t deserve it, but I bet poor Chad was only trying to fill out his WWE Fantasy Team. Anyway, Shelton goes out to grab the I.C. Title, but when he gets back in the ring, he finds that RVD has already been disqualified because Patton has Shelton on his fantasy team and he needs that three points real bad. I know that feeling. I should’ve known not to spend that $750,000 betting that Sable would be back this week. Dammit. Shelton wins!

Backstage, Vince is standing with…ZZ Top?!

Vince McMahon: Hahaha! After all these years, those beards are still ridiculous.

Billy Gibbons: Damn, Vince! After all the money we’ve spent coming to shows, it’s about damn time we got lines. How many more until I get to go over a cruiserweight?

Vince: I’ll pencil you in against Funaki on Internet Velocity.

Gibbons: Sweet!

Cheatum: Spin the wheel! Make the deal!

Vince: Uh…Cheatum? The RAW Roulette was kind of an Eric Bischoff thing. We’re not doing that tonight.

Cheatum: Damn.

Gibbons: Man, you should make me the GM of RAW. I’ve got crazy facial hair and I love spinny belts.

Boobsie McTitsalot: Sorry to interrupt, but I have boobs.

Frank Beard: Do you have legs?

Boobsie: Of course I have boobs.

Gibbons: Vince, you need to keep better company, man. What ever happened to that Stacy chick?

Vince: Oh, she had a seizure.

Beard: That’s horrible!

Vince: Hahaha! I know! Right? Serves her right for trying to leave WWE. Look, I’m going down to the ring, do you think you can keep Boobsie here…company?

Gibbons: This tramp?

Beard: Eh. Sure.

Vince: Thanks.

Gibbons: Soo…who do you think is going to win American Idol?

Boobsie: Wouldn’t you guys rather talk about the socioeconomic ramifications of the reelection of Ray Nagin as mayor of New Orleans?

Beard: Uh….

Cheatum: I can see up your skirt!


Vince is in the ring.

Vince McMahon: The time has finally arrived. Hunter, I want you to come down here, and quite frankly, I want you to apologize for the whole mess. Not just clobbering my son Shane with the sledgehammer, but for the last several weeks of you just kind of moping around here picking on the Spirit Squad. It’s not nice, and I want to hear you say you’re sorry.

Heeeeeere’s Hunter!

Triple H: Did you really have to make this a segment? I even said “Sorry” last week.

Vince: I want to hear those two sweet words out of your mouth. Come on.

HHH: You want two words? I got your two words right here!

Vince: Oh! Oh! It’s “Suck It” right? Right? Oops, did I just ruin that moment?

HHH: Wayoh, Wayoh.

Vince: Huh?

HHH: You know. Walk like an Egyptian.

Vince: The blonde waitresses take their trays.

HHH: They spin around and they cross the floor.

Vince: They’ve got the moves. What does that have to do with anything?

HHH: I’m staying at the Luxor.

Vince: Ah. I see. All right. Well, tonight, after the Spirit Squad beats Shawn Michaels, do you think you could run down to the ring and hit him in the face with your sledgehammer for reals this time?

HHH: Uh…sure thing.

Vince: Wait, did you apologize yet?

HHH: Yeah. Like, three times.

Vince: Phew. Ok. Thanks.


See No Evil grossed over half its budget on opening weekend. I saw it. Did you? More importantly, did Todd?

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Kane. Kane, I’ve got to ask you, can you pull my eyes out and stick me in the face with a big metal hook. Please? Pretty please?

Kane: Nah, man. That’s just a movie. You need to get out more. Man, what’s the deal with May 19, though? First Undertaker kills my mom, then my movie comes out and does terrible business. That day is weird, right?

Grisham: Uh…Actually, the awful fate of your parents was revealed on May 18.

Kane: No kidding? Huh. I guess my irrational fear of dates was all for naught. Geez, this renders this whole last couple of months of promotion for my movie useless.

Grisham: Wow. At least you don’t have to be afraid of calendars and stuff anymore though, huh?


Kane slams a hook into Todd’s mouth. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters v. John Cena

Rotisserie Squab Battle

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Squab is a type of pigeon. It sure is tasty! The challenger is spinnin’ up something fierce!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Do you suppose either one of them is going to make some Spirit Squab?

Fukui: Would you stop?

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: There’s a commercial.


Ohta: Aaaand, we’re back.

Hatori: The Iron Chef is clearly outmatched here, the Champion came prepared with his Rotisserie Title.

Fukui: Good point! Even though this is a non-title contest! And just like that, the Iron Chef has submitted. He just couldn’t crank that little bar fast enough.

Hatori: What a lame Iron Chef we’ve got.

Fukui: Don’t look now, but there’s something brewing down in kitchen stadium!

Hatori: I hope it’s my gin!

Rob Van Dam: John Cena! For months now you have reigned over RAW, despite your clear unworthiness to hold that Spinnin’ World Title. No more! You sire, have a date with destiny! Nay, a date with fate, for verily that rhymes better, and is thus more amusing when turned against you! For you see, at ECW’s Two Night Stand, I am going to cash in my Money in the Bank title match and I’m going to beat you, because I’m Mister P-P-V, Rob Van Dam.

Cena: Woah, did you just cut a coherent promo? And did you just call me “sire?” What the hell have you been smoking?

RVD: Indeed, Monsieur Cena, I have been smoking nothing, for you see, I must pass my next “Wellness program” test so that I may beat you for the title and not get fired.

Cena: Well, you’re on, cowboy! Two Night Stand it is!

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Then, RVD pulls out the exact replica of “Dogs Playing Poker” he painstakingly recreated backstage using crayons and condiment packets, throws it to Cena and then hits the Van Daminator.

RVD: Yea-CRAP! Where are we going to get another of those paintings?


Backstage, Carlito is talking to Maria. Uh-oh.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: See? What did I tell you? Was that not the best wedding you’ve ever had?

Maria Caribbean Cool (nee Punk Tennyson Lund): I’ll tell you what, Carlito! I’m so drunk on these free Strawberry Daiquiris right now I don’t even remember any of my names! Martini Caribtool neep Puke Thank You I Will? Bleeeeeeeeaaaargh.

Abe Orton: Geez. Watch where you’re aiming that. Guys, I’m really depressed. Nobody around here will let me lick their man jaws, and to make things worse, I haven’t killed a baby since I killed Kane’s. Thank God he forgot about that, huh?

Carlito: Don’t you talk to me!

Abe: Sigh…I just need somebody to love.

Goldust: How about me? I know I’m wearing this dress now, but just you wait until I get to the burlesque portion of my performance! You know, prostitution is legal here, Abey.

Abe: It is?! I’m getting me a big jaw whore then!

Goldust: Me too!

Carlito: That was kind of disturbing. And gross. And I think Akio was our minister. I should have held out for Brother Love.

Maria: I love you, Carpedo.

Carlito: I love you too, girl whose name I can’t remember.


Triple H: What the hell do you want?

Shawn Michaels: How could you agree to bash me in the face with a sledgehammer? I know you! You’re better than that!

HHH: Uh…dude, you’re talking to the guy who coaxed you into returning to wrestling in 2002 JUST so I could try to give you a crippling injury.

HBK: Oooooh yeah.

HHH: Not to mention that incident was prompted by the last time we tried to reform DX and I ended up hitting the PEDIGREE TO MICHAELS~!

HBK: I remember that…

HHH: Hell, come to think of it, I’ve hit you with a sledgehammer dozens of times.

HBK: Why in the hell am I here trying to give you a motivational speech then?

HHH: Because I’m standing in between you and the catering table?

HBK: Pass me one of them taco salads, would you?

Matt Striker: Can I be in this segment, guys?

HHH and HBK: NO!


Trevor Murdoch v. Kane

I guess the whores are going to have to wait? Meh, that’s ok, let Abe weed out the bad ones before you go, Dustin. Kane beats the crap out of Murdoch for a while so the announce team can get in the appropriate amount of shilling for his movie. Needs more Kane plugs. After the ref signals that all the plugs have been made, Kane hits the chokeslam for the win. But wait! What’s that on the screen? Why, it’s Kane’s Mask, come for a visit! How’s it goin’ Kane’s Mask?

Kane’s Mask: Duuuuude, X-Men 3 comes out this weekend. Between that and Davinci Code and that cartoon with Avril in it, you’ll be lucky to make $50 this weekend.

Kane: At least I’ll still be doing better than Akheela and the Bee.

That’s the spirit!


This Week In Wrestling History: May 22, 2005, I attended Judgment Day. Cotton Candy was served.

Torrie Wilson (w/ Chloe The RAW Satire Mutt) v. Alexis Laree
For the WWE Women’s Title

So Torrie is trying to wrestle again now? Be careful, Alexis. Waaaaaaait a second here. How does Torrie get new music again? That’s, like, the second time in six months. I never get new music. Alexis wins in extremely short order by just standing there and waiting for Torrie to hurt herself. That’s what she gets for training with Kidman. Afterwards, Trish Stratus comes out and announces that she’s just signed Beth Dark Phoenix to a contract. God, this show needs a GM. Next thing you know, you’re going to flip on RAW one night and Val Venis will have hired his entire family. Alexis is a little perturbed by this development so she runs off to check on the contract status of Raven. Meanwhile, while the camera guy is distracted by Beth’s skull thong, Kane runs out and sets her on fire. Yeah! Screw you, X-Men!


Viscera has hit the ring, and he’s got a mic. It’s just been one of those kind of nights.

Viscera: Man, it just hit me. Last time we were in Vegas, I was going to get Elvis Married to Lillian. Then I got distracted by friggin’ Godfather, and I never got my Spaniard on. So Lillian, come on up here, baby.

Lillian Garcia: I am shocked and amazed that you remember that. And also that you would dare bring me into the ring. Also, that I’m not on fire.

Viscera: Honey pot, I’m on fire. I’m on fire in love with you! I got a case of the continuity fever, and I want to spray my beautiful continuity all over you! Here, I got Ring Pop stuck in my belly button. What do you say?

Lillian: I say that I find it awfully odd that we would drag this angle up again, or that either of us would get TV time. Weren’t you just all up on Boobsie a few weeks ago?

Viscera: Aw, baby! I lost her to Vince. You’re my last hope, girl. I love you like a ham loves to be smeared in potato salad and baked in a tray of cookie crumbs.

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: I am…well, my name is not important! What is important is that Viscera is about to get…how you say? Squashed.

Lillian: This is almost starting to make sense now. Almost.

Viscera: Who you got? Jamal?

Not Important: Man, you’re WAY off!

Totally Not Jamal runs down to the ring and trades headbutts with Vis for a while before he finally nails him with the dreaded Samoan Poke in the Eye. Samoa Joe would be TNA Champion by now if he’d stayed in deepest darkest Samoa for a few more years and learned that move! Isn’t Chris Tian still the champion there? What the hell? Get on the ball, Joe! I could beat up Christian.

The Spirit Squad is backstage with Triple H.

Spirit Squad Mitch: Woo! Another match! Er…I mean…You’re down with the SS, right, Hunter?

Triple H: Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

Spirit Squad Nicky: Because bad things might happen if you’re not down with the SS!

HHH: Would you just do your stupid cheer and get away from catering?

Spirit Squad: Ready OK?

Pass Us the Mints,
Pass Us the Mints,
That’s all that’s left,
So Pass Us the Mints!


The Spirit Squad v. Shawn Michaels
In a Very Special “Extended Beatdown” Match

Before the match, Vince McMahon stomps to the ring and declares WWE RAW Referee Mickey Jay to be unnecessary. That’s no way to treat your women’s champion. Wait…that can’t be right. Anyway, the Squad piles on Michaels to start, but if you’ve learned one thing about Shawn Michaels, it’s that he can whine and complain his way out of any sticky situation. After begging off from the squad because of his sore knee, Shawn fires back taking down Johnny (or possibly Nicky) and Mitch (possibly Mikey). After successfully clearing the ring, Shawn loads up the Super Kick, but Mikey (who J.R. calls “Stevie” in a total shout out to Stevie Richards) hits him with a chair.






Johnny does a backflip.



Kenny jumps up and down.

Triple H has finally seen enough of this, and decides to saunter down to the ring to put an end to Michaels career. But a funny thing happens on his way to Michael’s face…Kenny takes the sledgehammer and challenges Taylor Hicks to a singoff. Befuddled as to why anyone would want to spend time with the old spaz over nubile Katharine McPhee, Hunter confronts him. Kenny, rightfully, points out that Hunter routinely shunned female accompaniment to play Connect Four with Ric Flair, which sends Hunter into a glorious rage where he whips every member of the Spirit Squad into the crowd, where they collide with guys passing out informative flyers containing the contact information of local prostitutes. Vince is befuddled.

Next Week: John Cena challenges Rob Van Dam to a rap off, which RVD wins inexplicably even though John Cena‘s belt doubles as a turntable. Triple H and Shawn Michaels do NOT bond together to form a new, older, wiser DX. Also, Totally Not Jamal’s win streak continues when he squashes, oh, I don’t know…Johnny Parisi. He’s still on the roster, right?


Tommy Dreamer: Rob, what are we going to do? We’ve accidentally destroyed both copies of :“Dogs Playing Poker! Now we’ll never solve the mystery of Lance’s death!

Rob Van Dam: Duuude, we’re at 13 pages, we’ve already blown through the overrun. It’s time to turn things over to repeats of Law and Order!

Dreamer: What?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?

???: You want “Dogs Playing Poker?” I’ve got “Dogs Playing Poker!” I’ve got “Dawgs Playing Poker,” I’ve got “Dogs Playing Poke Her,” I’ve got “Cat’s Playing Spades.” Whatever you need. Just step inside my trench coat….

Dreamer: Paul? What the hell are you doing on this shady street corner selling illicit paintings?

Paul Heyman: Wh…what paintings? I…I know nothing! Shh…the feds might hear us!

Mountie: It’s a little late for that!

RVD, Dreamer and Heyman: THE MOUNTIE!

Cheatum: Do you guys want some flyers for hot action?

To Be Continued….


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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