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RAW SATIRE    
Cena Groks Spock   

June 13, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: Rob Van Dam took home two nightstands, in the lamest episode of Celebrity Game Show marathon ever. I can’t believe I watched Celebrity Remote Control. Eugene got up close and personal with Not Enter Sandman. And man, oh man, what the hell was Beulah doing there? She can’t even hit a DDT, y’alls. Maybe somebody will teach her one…TONIGHT! 
 
In Loving Memory of Earthquake. That guy…he could eat a whole pie, I bet. Awesome.

Speaking of people who could eat a whole pie, here’s Paul Heyman! He’s standing backstage in front of a Cardboard Cut-Out ECW backdrop that looks like it was put together over the weekened by

Stevie Richards and The Musketeer. Geez. ECW really is back.

Paul Heyman: Hello everyone, and welcome to Monday Night RAW! Paul Heyman here, and holy cow, did you guys check out Two Night Stand last night? It’s like we’re actually a wrestling company! With classic ECW Superstars like The Fat Guy from FBI and Randy Orton the ECW locker room felt just like home to me. As a matter of fact, with TNA booking itself like WCW, Triple H and Shawn Michaels playing DX again, and ECW back, why…it feels like 1997 all over again! Why…all Vince has to do is screw a semi-popular champion and force him out into TNA and we’ll be all set. Hell…Mysterio is RIGHT THERE!

Rob Van Dam: I got the spinny belt! It sure is shiny! Yeah! All right!!

(Opening Credits)

Randy Orton v. Kane

Oh, man. It’s like my friggin’ dream match. Why didn’t they do this at Two Night Stand. I hope eventually we get the Kane/More Kane v. Abe Orton/Randy Orton tag match we’ve all been waiting for. Anyway, Orton gets some offense in early, but it hardly phases Kane, who is riding off the waves of popularity surely brought on by the fact that See No Evil is a big hit at a dollar theater near you. This duel quickly becomes so epic that the ring cannot contain it, but when they get up onto the entrance ramp, the cosmos decide that it is time for us to be graced with More Kane. While the universe struggles to contain this mass of awesome on this small stage, Kane falls off the platform, and lies gently on a table. Orton wins!

(ads)

Charlie Haas is making his way to the ring, his beard looking particularly scruffy, as if some issue has been eating at him all week. Maybe he’s wondering what will happen on The OC now that Misha Barton has become too gaunt and stringy to successfully be filmed for television. Let’s find out.

Charlie Haas: So, many of you out there are wondering whether or not I meant to run full speed into the ring, find Lillian Garcia, head towards her, and then send her flying into the second row. Well, the truth is, folks that, yes, I did, in fact mean to do exactly that, because nobody friggin’ gives a rats ass about Charlie Haas. I have to do something to change my fortunes, and dammit, if that means attacking announcers, then, well, Howard Finkle had better watch his goddamn booties. But I still feel kind of bad about kicking the crap out of Lillian, so I’d like to know if she’d accept my apology.

Lillian Garcia: Hell no. I hope you accidentally choke on one of Jackie’s boobs and die.

Haas: I probably deserved that.

Viscera: Did I hear somebody talkin’ about breasts out here? Because I could really go for a chicken breast right now, all smothered in ham and roasted on a sea of butter, and wrapped in a bacon pita! Oh baby, you make me so hungry, I just want to eat you like a big ol’ mash potato and egg sandwich with slices of beef as the bread! That’s how you make me feel, honey doll.

Lillian: Look, Vis! A big ham!

Viscera quickly turns his attention to Charlie “Ham” Haas, whom he grabs and attempts to devour. Sadly, Viscera quickly realizes his error, that Charlie Haas is not, in fact, a giant ham, but some sort of person. So he humps him vigorously instead. Then, in an unrelated matter, Lillian Garcia lights on fire.

Backstage in the Oval Office, things are looking even more grim.

Jonathan Coachman: I want everything to be perfect for Vince’s State of the WWE address! This office just doesn’t convey, “Hey! Business is actually up!”

Tough Enough Jessie: I don’t know, I thought the little XFL flags were a nice touch.

Coach: Tough Enough Jessie, you have to stop living in the past and start living in the more distant, more successful past. I want you to take all these XFL flags down and replace them with “Austin 3:16” foam fingers.

T.E. Jessie: Nobody around here ever appreciates my work! WAAAAAAAAAH!

WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. The Boogeyman: There you go again. Making that poor girl cry. I hope your happy.

Coach: It is kind of cathartic. Besides, I think that girl has quit or been fired, like, 1,000 times now.

Dr. The Boogeyman: I’m WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. The Boogeyman, and I’m comin’ to LIGHT YOU!

(ads)

Eugene is sitting backstage.

Eugene: OH MY GOD! Did you see that?! I got f’n caned by the F’N SANDMAN! This is the greatest day of my whole life. You have no idea! Way better than the time I got Chris Benoit to accidentally touch my ass. I cannot believe it. Too bad they didn’t have “Enter Sandman” as his theme music though. That kind of stupidity gets my Starcade ‘91 panties all in a bunch, you know?

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan: What ‘re you talkin’ about, Tough Guy? HOOOOOOOOOO!

Eugene: Remind me again why I brought you back?

Duggan: Because I’m an Internet Wrestling Legend? U-S-A! U-S-A!

Eugene: Yeah. You got my vote on the RSPW awards. For most overrated! Hahahaha! Dissed!

Duggan: HOOOOOOOOOO!

Elsewhere, Torrie Wilson is pointing her nipples at things, which isn’t terribly polite. In his office, Vince McMahon speechifies.

Vince McMahon: I sit before these Austin 3:16 foam fingers a changed man. Last week, quite frankly, I was humiliated in my own ring. I had my son thinking evil thoughts about my buttocks, and not only that, I had Triple H with his groin all up in my grill. That’s enough to make any man very, very afraid of the incestuous nature of his daughter’s television writing. But hell, who am I going to trust the book with? Paul Heyman? He put the title on consistently high, spot blowing, no intensity having Rob Van Dam, and had Masato Tanaka job to a Styrofoam cup. That’s hardly the kind of Mickey Mouse operation I’m trying to run here. Stocks are at an all time high, attendance is up, Road Warriors are down, I should be taking the reigns of this chariot instead of letting my daughter drive it into oncoming traffic like so many Rothlesbergers. So, with that in mind, I’m going to go to catering, eat some Rothlesburgers, and take this show in a direction which it has never gone before! Unmitigated handicapped matches! That’s the wave of the future! We’re going to push the hell out of Umaga! We’re going to make Finlay’s Midget the focal point of Smackdown! That is what makes us so popular among the children! That and our tangential relationship with the Three Six Mafia. Triple H and Shawn Michaels, you may be able to act like it’s 1997, but I’m looking forward to a newer, brighter past. I’ll see you on the highway to hell. Now if only I had an XFL flag to salute!

Tough Enough Jessie: I tried to tell them! WAAAAAAAAH!

(ads)

Torrie Wilson v. Boobsie McTitsalot
In a Wet and Wild Match for the WWE Divas Magazine Cover

Woah, didn’t we just have a Divas Magazine? Honestly, this is just about the best women’s match the division can put on right now. I guess the objective is to…erm…Weigh your opponent down with water, thus making it possible to pin them? That sounds about right. Torrie apparently went to the Billy Kidman School of Aiming (where she graduated Magna Cum Loudly, ZING!) and cannot soak Boobsie, so Boobsie does it herself. Then Torrie rubs her ass in Boobsie’s face, which is enough for the win, I guess. Best women’s match this year, for sure. Torrie gives it two nipples slightly displaced, but up. I hope somebody slips on the water later. After the match, Torrie tries to chuck water balloons at J.R. and inadvertently puts out Lillian.

Canadian luminaries such as Eugene Levy and Dan Aykroyd agree, Triple H listening to Sarah McLaughlin is kinda fey. Also, Trish Stratus’ arm is fine. Those Liars! I thought this was all real!!

(ads)

Last night, at Two Night Stand, Paul Heyman counted the pinfall, which is perfectly legal in ECW, because nobody cares about the finishes to ECW matches.

Er…I mean because everything is legal.

The Spirit Squad is backstage.

The Spirit Squad: Ready? Ok!

We’re gonna beat Hunter,
No more DX,
Then let’s all go out,
For some Alexis Laree sex!
Yes! Spirit Squad rules!

S.S. Kenny: Hey…wait a minute!

(ads)

The Spirit Squad v. Triple H

Vince McMahon makes a late inning decision to pull the referee. That’s ok. WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton’s ERA is terrible anyway. The theme for this match is “Intentional Black Ninja” which doesn’t work too well early on. But after enough of the S.S. gets together, they start to take control over Triple H. Except Mitch. Of course, poor Mitch has to wait aaaaaaaaall the way until the end, and even then, he gets tossed out of the backstage area. Poor, poor Mitch. But, it’s all part of the story, you see! Because Mitch was tossed by none other than Stephanie McMahon, come to avenge her father’s critique of her booking skills. SUPERKICK by Stephanie on Mitch! She runs to the ring, as I ponder whether or not she has lost weight. Stephanie is a house afire. Rights to the Spirit Squad, going back to back with Hunter as they take out the entire S.S.! Finally, in the most dramatic moment in WWE history, Stephanie and Hunter turn their attention to their father/in-law up in the entry way, and deliver the crotch chops heard ‘round the world! DX IS BACK! Wait…that’s Shawn Michaels in a tube top? No wonder his titties were gone and he wasn’t pregnant. I just figured she sprung a leak. I guess I kinda dug Shawn pretending to be Scott Hall. I mean in that he did the little goofy point, not in that he showed up drunk.

(ads)

Backstage, Vince and the Squad are shaking foam fingers in anger.

Spirit Squad Kenny: I don’t get it, why did Stephanie attack us? Isn’t she supposed to be pregnant?

Spirit Squad Mikey: Dude, I told you not to put me in first! I’m more of a clean up guy. You should have put Johnny up there first!

Spirit Squad Johnny: Are you kidding me? I hate this gimmick. Why didn’t Mitch go out there?

Vince McMahon: Are you kidding me? Mitch?!

S.S. Johnny: Ok, even I have to admit that would have been a lousy plan.

Vince: Look, I’ve got a solution for all this. At Vengeance, you seven will have…A HANDICAP MATCH! Friggin’ genius!

Totally Not Jamal (w/ Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon) v. Hacksaw Jim Duggan (w/ Eugene)

In terms of corner men, I have to give the edge to Not Jamal, because Eugene spends the entire match constantly refreshing WWE.com on his laptop to see if he’d been traded to ECW yet. In deference to local sports stories, Not Jamal is wearing his classy “Blackened Out Teeth and Bloody Gashes” face paint tonight. That should be a new rule, football players have to wear their helmets at all times. Maybe I’d be less annoyed with Armando if I didn’t realize that his promos sound exactly like Flair’s and his catchphrase has exactly the same cadence as Justin Credible’s. Anyway, Duggan used to be a janitor and Not Jamal hails from Deepest Darkest Samoa, so I shouldn’t have to tell you who wins this one. Jamal takes it with his patented “Thumb to the Eye” and then ties Eugene up with some USB cable.

(ads)

Mick Foley is out to have a chat. Or maybe he’s out to do Kiss Cam. Oh! Oh! Pick J.R. and Lawler!

Mick Foley: I know what you’re all thinking, and no, I’m not out here to do the Kiss Cam. No, I’m out here for something more important. No, it’s not my hopelessly denying the fact that I was hiding in Melina’s closet. No, you see, I’m out here to proclaim victory in my war against ECW! By defeating perennial losers Tommy Dreamer, Terry Funk, and retiree Beulah, I can now officially say that I have won a match! In your face, America! So everything I said about ECW being a crappy place to work? Was true!

Ric Flair is out to dispute that. ECW, Naitch. E…oh screw it. I hope you enjoy that salad bowl I bought your old ass.

Ric Flair: Miiiiiiick By God Foley! I’ve been waiting three years to tell you this! I think you’re a horrible wrestler. In his darkest days, Sid was more carryable than you! Now look at you. A former champion. It’s a disgrace to real wrestlers like David Arquette, and Vince Russo and Vince WOO McMahon that a glorified stunt man like you ever won the title while guys like myself and Steve Austin and Vilano VIII kept people watching the shows. You’re a disgrace to the industry, Foley!

Foley: Now, now, Ric. Let’s not be hasty now. To be fair, I did a lot of things in my career other than fall off things. I also put my hands in my pants, and owned cacti…and…carried on dialog with a clown.

Flair: What I don’t WOO understand is why people are always talking about you and your goddamn sock! Why don’t they ever talk about my 16th title win?

Foley: Ric, wasn’t your 16th a fluke roll-up over Jeff Jarrett?

Flair: It was the greatest fluke roll-up of all TIME! WOOO!

Foley: Did you just say fruit roll-up?

Flair: Foley, I’m gonna take your old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN FAT BOY! WOOO!

Foley: Didn’t you just get married? Again?

Flair: Marry me? I’m already married! Marry me? I’m already married!

Foley: Then again, you’re a limo-ridin’, jet flyin’, wheelin’, dealin’, kiss stealin’ son of a gun, right?

Flair: Nah. My wife said I couldn’t go dealin’ any more.

Foley: Pansy. Let’s have a match at Vengeance. What do you say? Two weeks should be just about enough build up. Besides, it’s in Charlotte so nobody will give a crap about the build anyway.

Flair: You’re on!

Joe Paterno: Man, you guys are old.

Terry Funk: You ain’t seen nothin’ you, banana nosed…banana nose!

(ads)

Johnny Nitro (w/ Melina) v. Carlito

There ain’t no stoppin’ Shelton from doing commentary…NAH! Oh…that’s a bad decision. Shelton is practically the defacto World Champion of RAW right now, which is hilarious. You can’t say they aren’t pushing him! The story of the match is that Melina gets hungry during the middle of the match, and starts to eat Carlito’s apple. Carlito gets pissed off because all catering has left is bananas, and you can’t exactly spit a banana in the face of people who don’t want to be cool. This distraction is just what Johnny Nitro needs to miss his Shooting Star Press for the win. Another successful graduate of the Billy Kidman School of Aiming (where he majored in Missing the Shooting Star Press and minored in Hotel Management). I guess he might have caught a hunk of Carlito’s hair so…close enough.

Todd Grisham is backstage with Alexis Laree.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Alexis Laree, and Alexis, I’ve got to ask you. Is it true that you’re really WWE RAW Referee Mickie Jay?

Alexis Laree: No. That’s just a dirty, dirty rumor. Also, I’d just like to clear up the fact that Beth Dark Phoenix is actually my half sister’s roomate’s best friend’s cousin’s breeder’s sister’s daughter. Oh. And I like to cause freak injuries in the ring.

Todd: Thank you for working everything into one concise paragraph, at least. Now, I’ll just throw it back to….

Randy Orton: Not so fast Tacos Greasy! Hello, Alexisis! I saw you naked once in Leg Fancy.

Alexis: Sigh….

Randy: Toddster, I think that we meet here on the darkening of days is an homage. That’s right, it predicates the arrivening of a new age for the WWE! A downing of a new Eggo, so to spoke. You see, Mr. Grissom, I have no qualms! I was bested by Kent Ankles last night at ECW’s One Light Brand! I make admitance! But it only brightens my sporks brighter! That’s why I’m challengering Kangall to a match at Ven-Vengaiance! To fulfill my DESTINY! Spread the bird, Toddster! There’s one word I want you to make a rememberance for! You know what that word is, Toddster?

Todd: Let me guess…DESTINY~!

Randy: No! The word is “I will best Kurt Angle!”

Todd: That’s five words, Randy.

Randy: No, that’s DESTINY, Todd.

Todd Grisham then challenges Mickie James to a match, and is run over by a runaway motorcycle. Todd Grisham has fallen. Orton wins!

(ads)

The Highlanders are coming to RAW. Oh, snap. They’re going to have to duel with Edge, right? I think I saw that one.

Maria Caribbean Cool (nee Punk Tennyson Lund) is standing by with Lita.

Maria Caribbean Cool (nee Punk Tennyson Lund: Maria Carrots, Peas and Gruel neep Punny Loon here, and I’m standing by with Lita. And Lita, my sources say you’re going to take this mic away from me.

Lita: Thank you, Maria. Now let me introduce to you, the man that single-handedly changed the shape of ECW for at least a few more weeks, “The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge!

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: Thanks, snazzlecakes. Yes, it is I, the man who single-handedly defeated an eighty year old man, the guy who has never won a match, and his girlfriend all while being dragged down by a prostitute and a fat man.

Lita: Hey! Don’t call me fat!

Edge: Furthermore, I made sweet sweet scrambled eggs with Beulah after the match, if you know what I mean! But anyway, after I stole Ben Roth-

Lita: Let it go, hon. The joke’s been done to death tonight.

Edge: Ahem. I attacked John Cena because nobody can beat the little wigger, and everybody can beat Rob Van Dam. Furthermore, I’m going to show up at ECW on Sci-Fi tomorrow night in the hopes that I can meet Richard Dean Anderson.

Lita: Anything else, schnoogie bottom?

Edge: Also, Lita is fat.

Lita: Hey!

Stevie Richards, Balls Mahoney and Justin Credible are all sitting in the front row. Take your pick from one of these two jokes, please.

A) And this is as close as they’ll ever be to being on RAW

OR

B) And this is the first time they could actually afford these seats.

Thanks.

(ads)

Edge (w/ Lita) v. John Cena

Cena starts out as a house of fire, but transforms into a robot shortly thereafter. Hmm…I’d want to be a jet. The car ones were always kind of lame. After a few minutes, Lita checks her watch and notices that if she doesn’t hurry we can’t be bombarded with promos for Jack Black’s Lucha movie, so she jumps on Cena’s back which is enough for the DQ when you’re running late. Stevie tries to get all up in Cena’s grill, but just gets a chairshot to the back. Cena gets a huge pop for hitting Credible, and then gets booed for hitting Balls. Know your audience, John. Speaking of knowing his audience, Cena grabs the mic. This can’t end well.

John Cena:

Yo! I’m way hardcore,
You feelin’ me, right?
ECW on Sci-Fi,
Is hitting Tuesday Night,

I’ll be there,
Because I represent,
I am to ECW,
What Hamlet is to Rent!

I’m comin’ like Rollerjam,
I’ll pop you like Rock N Bowl!
In front of a Smackdown crowd,
Who will boo? Not a soul!

So I’ll see you there, Spock,
Wookies keep the runway clear,
Because ECW should know,
THE CHAMP IS…Oh wait…I’m not the champ any more.

Sigh.

Next Week: RAW’s lockerroom can’t cope with the shocking ECW defection of Rob Conway. Plus, Ric Flair and Mick Foley have a Wet and Wild match. And Rob Van Dam shows up because he forgot he doesn’t have to work RAW anymore.

 

 

Elsewhere….

Paul Heyman: All right, Rob, have you finished cracking the Da Baldies Code, yet?

Rob Van Dam: I have! Mary Magdalene is buried under the Lourve!

Ric Flair: That’s why you’re the champ! WOO!

Heyman: What the heck are you talking about? What does that have to do with saving the ECW mutants?

RVD: I’m the champ! Yeah! All right!!

Halle Berry: Gentlemen, perhaps I can be of assistance.

Heyman: Why…of course, Miss Berry.

Flair: WOO! I’m gonna take you for a RIDE ON SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOO!

Tommy Dreamer: Wai-

Halle: What you’re all failing to realize is that it’s not about “saving” the ECW mutants. It’s about equality for wrestling fans of all kinds, be they WWE, WCW, or, yes, even ECW.

Eugene: ECDub! ECDub!

The Mountie: What about TNA?

Halle: No.

Heyman: Maybe you’re right. Maybe we should be working for a better, brighter future for all of professional wrestling!

Flair: No! Nononono! She means to trick you! She’s not one of us! They’re trying to cure us of our fandom!

Chris Benoit: Let it go, bub.

Halle Berry leaves on an ethereal cloud back into the heavens.

Tommy Dreamer: Guys! That was-

Heyman: Let’s go help the mutants!

Benoit: With our help, ECW fans will be just as happy and well adjusted as WWE fans!

Tommy: Rob! Rob! Did you see! That was Lan-

RVD: I know, Tommy. I know.

To Be Concluded….

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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